Water of Love

Water Of Love         6342  (2402)

Thursday, December 28, 2006-8:30 A.M.

Time waits for no man, especially a man waiting for a plumber.

Yes, we've got plumbing problems here at the apartment of love, nothing terrible, just a shower that won't turn completely off.  It wouldn't be so bad, but it's the hot water that's leaking, and that can be costly, not to mention causing the house to run out of hot water more quickly than usual.

So I'm up, waiting for the plumber...not a bad time to clue you in as to what's been going on the past week.

It was Christmas on Monday...hope yours was as good as mine...more about that later.

I finished up my shows in Toledo on Saturday night, working with Jon Ueberroth,  all around nice guy and Toledo native, and John Face, of Albion, Michigan.  Had a lot of nice feedback (much of it from Jon's family and friends) and sold a Christmas bonus' worth of merchandise.  Not bad for having originally been canceled and looking down the prospect of no Christmas money.

Steve Brewer, a very funny comic from Detroit, hung out and did a set Saturday late show.  He's an "edgy" comic, and a good one.  I like the edgy humor better than bland, observational stuff....not that observational humor can't be funny, but it doesn't take any risks.  Steve and Jon have known each other for a while, and they hung out after Jon and I went to lunch.  Jon took me to Tony Packo's, a hotdog place in Toledo with some modicum of celebrity after being featured in several M*A*S*H* episdodes courtesy of Jamie "Klinger" Farr, a Toledo native.  The place was quite good, with nice food and ambiance...I recommend it if you're going to be in the area.

After lunch, I found gas at a Flying J truckstop for $2.11 a gallon!  And it's nothing but death sent from Hell that I should be excited about such a bullshit fuel price.  Regardless, my Flying J bonus card got me a penny off per gallon, so I actually paid only $2.10 a gallon, and my spirits were high (at least until I returned to New York State).

The hotel I was staying at was right next to a Speedway gas station (I have their bonus card, too) and I stopped in there a few nights in a row, getting late night munchies, and struck up conversation with the night clerk, a young ladynamed Vee.  I wound up getting her and her boyfriend tickets to the show, and they actually showed up!  A lot of times, people will say they are coming just to be nice, and then blow it off because they won't ever see you again, but I was pleasantly surprised when they came out, and afterwards, said they enjoyed the show.  It's nice to spread the love whenever you can, it's good karma.

I drove home after the second show, hitting the road about 12:30 and getting home before daylight, around 6:30 in the morning.  The drive was made a little easier courtesy of some tapes I found at a thrift store, the Rolling Stones "Bridges to Babylon," Bruce Springsteen "Darkness On The Edge of Town," Lyle Lovett live, I forget which, and a few others.  Terrestrial radio along the 90 expressway can be dodgy as you make your way from Toledo to Cleveland to Erie, Pa, on up to Buffalo and into Rochester.  You'd think that towns like Sandusky, Ohio, Batavia, New York and others "in the middle" of the bigger cities would have some low-wattage rock or pop station, but they don't seem to.

I got a few hours of sleep before being pressed back into duty by my beautiful wife and Christmas angel, Pamela.  It was off to the craft store and liquor store and grocery store and at one point I was in a photomat, and they don't have those anymore.  I loaded the car with boxes, bags and many foods and beverages and made my way home.  We needed to get ready for a Christmas party we were attending later in the evening, and wound up getting there around 9 P.M.   The party was nice, and Harmony liked playing with the other children.  We got back from the party around 12:30 and went to work putting together gift baskets for some of my wife's friends and family.  They came out really nice and I was impressed with myself a little bit that I was able to put them together.  I told Pam that her homemade soaps might sell better at her craft sales if she put them together into gift baskets....I was certainly pleased with the overall presentation of them, as faggy as that sounds.

Christmas day was low-key, with a nice dinner at Pam's grandmother's house, with the bulk of her Rochester-dwelling family there.  After dinner, we drove around in the rain looking at Christmas lights and we took some pictures, ate potato chips in the car, and Harmony got a nice nap.  Of course abig meal and the excitement of opening presents will do that to a youngster...I wish I slept so soundly and so readily in a car.  Usually I have to be driving to fall asleep in a car.

Our Christmas was marred slightly by the news that my father was checked into a hospital down in Florida.  He's a cancer survivor and was complaining of back pain, and the painkillers they gave him seem to be causing a mild dementia.  My sister called this morning to tell me that Dad checked himself out of the hospital (which probably isn't good because they hadn't really finished doing all of the tests they needed to do) and that he was being mean and abusive to the nurses, my mother, and anyone else in earshot.  My mom's been staying with him and took him to the hospital, which is really nice because they're divorced and she's really not obligated.  So my sister's flying down there to settle everything down and hopefully get some sort of intervention going on Dad's behalf with his friends down there and my mom and I hope it works.  If it doesn't, I'm going to have to cancel some comedy work and head on down there myself. 

Last night, my comedy buddy Mike Dambra and I went out to visit some friends who were doing a show in town, Steve Burr and Marianne Sierk.  We were invited to perform, and because we're road dog comedy junkies, of course we said yes.  We shared the stage with Steve, Marianne, Matt Rohr and another cat, last name D'Amico, a thousand apologies that I don't remember his first name...my eyes are red and the plumber just got done working his magic on my leaky shower.  I took the bullet and went on first, and did pretty well considering there wasn't much of a warm-up.  I tried some new things and did some of my money-in-the-bank material to cushion the new stuff on both sides, and I was pleased with the set.  They offered my ten minutes but I kept it to under seven, because there were already plenty of comics on the bill and I didn't want to be greedy (my New Year's resolution, by the way....don't be greedy with stage time).   After the show, I ran into an old buddy, Alan Tanski, who is an employee of the U.S. Postal Service and a former member of my improv comedy group, the Inner Loop.  We chatted for a bit, got our groceries and parted ways.  It's funny who you run into when you stay up late.

Tonight's Syracuse with comedy buddy Ray Salah, one show tonight and one show tomorrow.  It's a new club so I don't know what to expect, but I'll go in hoping for the best and try to make the best of the situation...it's another headlining shot, so even if attendance is not up to snuff, it's still a good experience, and I'm looking forward to it.

So it's back to bed I go now, getting ready for work in a few hours and I'd like to do it well-rested for a change.  I'll check in before the New Year with my end-of-the-year recap, don't miss it because it'll be a doozy!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

No Leaf Clover

No Leaf Clover                    6309  (2369)

Thursday, December 21, 2006-5:30 P.M.

Today is the shortest day of the year...unless you're a road comic trying to kill time in his hotel room.

When I left this journal, I was recounting the Friday night that my feature act didn't show up.  Saturday, he showed up.  Jack Warren, a comic from Michigan by way of South Carolina, met up with me at the Lafayette Hotel in Marietta, Ohio.  We had a very good show Saturday night, and spent the time before the show recounting how we had originally met during a layover in Omaha, Nebraska.  Jack was touring with another comic from South Carolina and was performing the week after me, and I was staying at the condo on my day off.  Jack and I wound up going to lunch, hitting the post office and visiting a thrift store.  I didn't recognize him by his headshot when I saw it in Morgantown, because like most comics, he doesn't look like that anymore.

After the show, I drove home overnight which took around six hours.  I entertained myself by listening to Christmas music on the radio, which helped put me in the holiday spirit.  When I got home, all that spirit drained out of me as I was looking at the week before Christmas and the prospect of being unemployed.

Monday, I started working the phones and got a lead on a gig, a feature spot at Connxtions Comedy Club in Toledo, Ohio.  The booker didn't know if they were going to need me, but that I would find out about it the next day.  I found out Tuesday afternoon that the gig was on, and that I'd be leaving Wednesday morning.  My wife wasn't happy about me going away, but we both agreed that it was better that I be working than not, especially with her student loan payment being due.

Tuesday night, I went to Danny Liberto's open mic at Alfano's Italian restaurant.  To say that I was mistreated was an understatement.  They treated every comic on the bill so poorly, the only thing I can say is that the last time someone got treated that poorly at an Italian restaurant, Al Pacino had to fish a gun out from behind a toilet tank to do it.

Mike Dambra, one of my bestest friends in comedy (and otherwise) won the money, but that's because he got into a ragging match with the female bartender who wound up dumping a cup of ice water down his shirt.  The exchange got so ugly that she couldn't retort, she had to resort to a physical attack.  Well, the bar loved it and Mike won the money, which was good because he was having a bad day and needed the boost, I think.

So Wednesday, I drove to Toledo, arriving about two hours before showtime, and got to the club right on time, thirty minutes before showtime.  I knew that the headliner was Toledo native Jon Ueberroth, but I also found out that my mc for the week is none other than Michigan's John Face, organizer of the Relay For Life cancer benefit that I am lending my talents to early this coming year.  John and I met at the last Relay event that he organized this past Spring, and it was great seeing him again.  Connxtions runs an "open mic" portion of their show to start out Wednesdays, and I met some of the local guys.  My set was fun, although it started off a little unevenly as I tried to ad-lib some stuff and wasn't sure exactly what I wanted to say.

After my set, Steve Brewer, a headliner from Detroit who I've worked with several times, took me aside because we apparently are doing a bit that is very similar, and he wanted to let me know as soon as possible lest there be any misconceptions from third parties that we are somehow doing the same bit and that it might be stolen.  Come to find out, we were just working from a similar premise and move to different conclusions, but it's easy for confusion to reign under those circumstances, particularly because we work a lot of the same clubs.  Well, Steve's a real professional and I admire his abilities and I really appreciated him approaching me the way he did because a lot of other comics would have been pissy about it, saying "don't do this bit," or "change your bit" or whatever to protect their own interests.  Steve is an intelligent guy, and again, we've worked together before, so there were no problems from the get-go.  I actually feel encouraged that I'm thinking in the same vein as an established headliner, it makes me feel like I'm moving in the right direction.

After the show, I did the pal-around thing with some of the guys, I shook hands and sold some CD's.  There was a Christmas party of about 13 folks, and the boss bought them all a copy of my CD....that was excellent, as the money is always helpful.  Today, I felt like a money magnet, because as I ventured out to my car to go get some lunch, there was about three dollars' worth of change all over the ground next to my car.  It looked as though someone dropped it and didn't feel it was worth picking up.  Well, fuck that, I have a wife and daughter to support, so you're damn right I'm picking it up!  It actually totaled $3.06, so if you're a gambling person, maybe you play that three digit number in tonight's lottery....it's as good as any other, as far as I'm concerned.

So I'm a lucky guy, I'd say.....finding work where there was none, finding money on the ground, and I also juggled around the week in March when I was supposed to come to Toledo and filled it with another gig, and I also secured a return date at the Rivercenter Comedy Club in San Antonio, Texas for March, which is a nice time to be in Texas.  I also found a good comic book shop today and picked up new issues of Civil War: Frontline, Justice League of America, the new Exiles annual, and a What If? featuring Wolverine.  Quite the treasure trove for one such as me, I'd say.

I will probably wind up driving home overnight on Saturday to get the most mileage out of Christmas Eve day with my wife and daughter, finish our shopping and present delivering, and then indulge in our holiday get-togethers with family and friends.  I'm sure I'll check in before the end of the week, so I'll wish you a safe and happy holiday season, and if you aren't on the Tetta family Christmas card list, it means I don't have your address.  If that's the case, please forward that to me by e-mail at Yuksonme@aol.com and we'll add you to the fold.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Sole Survivor

Sole Survivor                                          6276  (2336)

Saturday, December 16, 2006-1:10 A.M.

Comedy is about survival.  It shouldn't be like that, but it is.

The language about comedy even sounds like a fight for survival....."I killed them, I murdered them, I died, I bombed," and my favorite "I ate it."  I picture the comic as a cheetah or panther chasing down the audience antelope and either killing them or eating it.

But there's also the "making a living" survival thing to comedy....stringing along enough working days and weeks to make enough money to pay your bills, or doing comedy part-time and having a straight job to pay the bills while you pursue your dream.

I've been surviving in both senses of the word.

This week I had a three-day week scheduled courtesy of Hysterical Management, headlining the metropoli of Mansfield, Ohio, Morgantown, West Virginia, and Marietta, Ohio.  Earlier this week, I received notice that Mansfield was canceled as the room is reorganizing.  That's fine and dandy, but I don't know anyone who appreciates having a third of their paycheck disappear with such short notice.  I hold Hysterical faultless in the matter, as they are losing commission money in the deal, and the remaining work is still intact.  Still, I decided to be proactive and use the time off to my advantage.

In Rochester, NY, we're lucky to have a resource called the Comedy Company, run by comic/booker Danny Liberto.  Danny runs three open mics in Rochester on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, each carrying a $50 cash prize for the funniest comic.  I decided to throw my hat in the ring and see if any of those prizes could be harvested.  Even if I won all three of them, it wouldn't have replaced the earnings I lost due to the cancellation, but it would have been money in my pocket and an opportunity to get on stage and pal around with comics and friends from my hometown.

I showed up at Alfano's Italian Restaurant on Tuesday, and things went extremely well.  It's a small neighborhood bar, and I had an advantage over the other comics on the bill as several of the bar patrons seemed to recognize me from my time managing the Comix Cafe, Rochester's full-time comedy club.  I was a regular fixture on stage there during my tenure, and it paid off as I seemed to be the only comic who the audience deemed worthy of their attention.  Regardless, I was awarded the $50 and I was happy to have it.  It was the first week of comedy at the club, and I guess I helped kick things off with a bang, and I'm happy I was there to help.

Wednesday, I met Danny at Slammer's Pub, a sports-themed bar in Greece, NY, north of the city.  The only comics to show up were myself, Joe Cumbo (a very funny young man) and a kid from Buffalo who's name escapes me.  The poor kid went up first with a set list, and basically vapor-locked and bailed without telling even one joke....I felt sorry for him driving a whole 65 miles to stand on stage stammering and not being able to even make a sentence, and then have to drive 65 miles back home.  Joe went up and did very well, and I went up and did a melange of old and new material, working out some bits and using some tried-and-true stuff to keep the flow.  Joe and I wound up splitting the $50, which was fine with me, I'm not greedy.  I then hung out with Joe and Danny and watched them play Quick Draw, and Joe won another $50 on one game, and could have quadrupled it to $200, but he didn't play the bonus option for the extra buck....oh well, live and learn.

Thursday night, Danny asked me to host his open mike at Sneaky Pete's bar in downtown Rochester.  Sneaky Pete's is a tiny little neighborhood bar that is one flight of stairs down and a few blocks away from the Genessee River.  There wasn't much of a crowd, but Joe wound up rocking the eight or nine people there and winning himself the cash prize, and I scooped up the money for hosting.  It was combat comedy to say the least, but it was money in my pocket and I was happy to have the work.

Today I headed down to the Ramada Inn in Morgantown, West Virginia, and long story short, my opening act didn't show up.  I wound up doing the entire show myself, but for no extra funds because the checks were written ahead of time, and if there's any bonusing to be done, it'll have to be done after the fact.  I had a lot of fun with it, but now I'm pretty tired and ready to get some sleep, but have to do my regular "wind down" thing to shake off the adrenalin of the night.  Tomorrow I'll hit the bank, cash my check, take advantage of the free breakfast buffet here at the hotel (yummy bacon and pancakes!) and make my way to the historic Lafayette Hotel in Marietta, Ohio.  It's only two hours away, but then I'm looking at a six hour drive home which I'm not looking forward to, but the weather's nice, and I've certainly driven farther and in worse conditions.

Next week  I've had my entire weekend in Traverse City, Michigan canceled, so I'm back to "survival" mode, and I'll probably hit all the open mics in an effort to make the best of a bad situation.  There's still the possibility that work will arise, but if it doesn't, there's nothing I can do about it.  I'll enjoy the time home with my wife and daughter, celebrate Christmas, and then get back to work...the work of surviving.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Lay It On The Line

Lay It On The Line              6237  (2297)

Sunday, December 10, 2006-8:10 A.M.

God, I feel like a wetback!

Reporting from my cozy home in Rochester, NY after a delightful weekend at the House of Comedy in Niagara Falls, Canada.  I did two shows for our neighbors to the north, actually, if you look at the map, our neighbors to the west, but that would be nitpicking.

The highlight of the weekend was passing through Canadian immigration; I didn't want to arouse any suspicions that I might be working in Canada without proper paperwork, so I had to explain why I was coming into the country.  There is a lovely restaurant in the Americana hotel on Lundy's Lane called Jack Tanner's, and I explained that I was meeting some friends for dinner there.  I wasn't sure if that would raise any eyebrows, because the restaurant is just a notch below Applebee's, and why would I drive 90 miles from home just for some chicken fingers?  Well, it's for the company, isn't it?  I explained that I was meeting good friend Marc Sinodinos, a young man who describes his name as "so Greek my ass hurts" and his girlfriend Kendra.

Still, there's so many questions to answer...the customs guy makes the baby seat in the back of my car..."You've got a child then?"  "No, I like to sit in it and pretend I'm the world's largest infant!"  "How much money do you have on you?"  "Why, do you need a loan til' payday?"  These got good laughs on stage, also a new bit that I wrote about Sharper Image that I came up with while listening to a couple of college radio jocks talking while I drove home past Bucknell University last Monday.  It's a TV clean bit that turns out to be a funny act-out bit, therefore has no place in my dick-joke riddled corpse of an act.

Friday night there were a couple two-three Christmas parties on tap in the club, including a group from St. Kevin's, a Catholic high school.  Of course, I did the dirtiest show I've ever done, stopping only ten minutes from closing and asking if there were any nuns or priests from the school in attendance.  I asked for forgiveness about all the masturbation material (a Ralph Tetta comedy staple) and closed with some pointed political material.  I apologized for the Bush administration, mentioning that our nation's leader can't lie and chew gum at the same time, which caused the room to erupt into laughter and applause.  Saturday was much more of the same.  Also, there was a young man in the next-to-front row who had curly black hair and a bushy beard.  I was talking about the difference between men and women, what makes them sexually attracted to each other, and that women are tactile, utilizing their sense of touch, and that clean-shaven men felt good to them.  I told the kid with the bushy beard, "Not only are you not getting laid, I wouldn't let you on an airplane, either!"  His skin color wasn't that dark, but his thick black beard definitely gave the visual shorthand for Middle Eastern if not full-blown Arabic, and the crowd got a good laugh off it.  He was a good sport, and his buddies gave him the ribbing.  It was a nifty comedy moment.

Marc wound up working on both shows, featuring for me the first night and then running upstairs to work a corporate gig in the banquet hall of the Americana.  He came down sweating, mumbling about "the worst show ever," and then explained that it wasn't HIS worst show ever, it was THE worst show ever.  I've been there, friend Marc, I've certainly been there.  Try making a room full of engineers and their wives laugh...it's excruciating.  Our show was rounded out by a lad named Graham Davidson, who is relatively new in the business, and dresses like that jackass from Green Day with the black shirt and white tie, although the kid's about two inches shorter than Yao Ming.  I broke his balls about his stage attire, and at one time I even told him that he looked like he got kicked out of the Strokes.  Thank God I don't drink, imagine what an asshole I'd be with three or four bourbons in me.

Today I'm going to put our Christmas lights up, nothing ostentatious, just a few strings in the front two windows of the house, just enough to light up our otherwise bleak little ghetto street.  We have our tree set up in the hallway, and Harmony likes watching the colored lights, and Christmas means so much more to me now that Pam and I have a little baby daughter.  I'm getting excited about the season, and even though I had work fall out on the weekend before Christmas, I have a couple of leads to fill it in, make some of that Christmas money, and even if they don't come to fruition, I'll enjoy being home with my family.

This week, it's off to Ohio and West Virginia for three days working in the headlining spot (come to think of it, all the work I've got in December is headlining...I must be doing something right) and at some point, I have to get my improv group together for a run-through for our big New Year's Eve gig in Binghamton.  Busy, busy, busy....and there's still Christmas cards to write as well....oh, well, I usually don't get to those until the last minute anyway, so if you don't get a card until Tuesday the 26th, please don't be insulted, it's just the way I roll.

Have a great week, and enjoy the season!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Tired

Tired                             6211  (2271)

Wednesday, December 6, 2006-1:30 A.M.

Tired.  Home.  Finally.

North Carolina tour over.  Fun.  Tiring.  Three headliners.  Five cities.  Six days.  Nine shows.  12 hours home.  2100 miles.

Tape deck's dying, radio all the way.  Cold, but no snow.  Greensboro MC wants to buy my closing bit.  Chris Wiles.  Nice guy.  Too much liquor.  Whiskey when I shouldn't have.

Mike McCarthy, Comedy Barbarian.  Nice guy.  Good stories.  Long time, no see.  Good friend.  Dirty comic, like me.  Fun week.

Sunday, Raleigh.  My sister Nickki and her husband, little visit.  Sports bar, watched the Bills play.  Nice visit, frustrating game.  Maybe next year.

Route 15, Pennsylvania.  Long road home.  Nicely decorated, holiday season.  Made me homesick, made me drive faster.

Got home, checked e-mails.  Tons of work for 2007, pair of cancelations for 2006.  Checked books.  Bad year, 2006...down a grand from last year...too many cancelations this year.  Like Buffalo, mathematically eliminated.  Depression sets in.

Too tired to write more.  Next journal, more words.  Maybe some verbs.

Thank you.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Love That Dirty Water

Love That Dirty Water            6186  (2246)

Friday, December 1, 2006-4:00 P.M.

Most of the country is freezing and dealing with snow, and I'm in North Carolina sweating my balls off!

Greetings from the Red Carpet Inn, the preferred lodging for the comedy talent for the Greensboro, North Carolina Comedy Zone, a club I've played so many times now I've lost count.  I don't know why they call this place the Red Carpet, because they don't have red carpets, and I certainly don't feel like I won an Oscar or anything, but they have wireless internet, so they can call the place whatever they damn well please.

I'm chilling out, getting ready for my shows tonight, which I'm very much looking forward to after the "road-house"-ey last two nights in Goldsboro and Greensville respectively, where the crowds were nice if not very substantive in numbers or accuity, if you know what I mean.  I worked with alcoholic headliner Monte Allen who did an excruciating 15 shots of Tequila on Wednesday, and my liver spent the evening hiding behind my pancreas just watching him do it.  And lest you think I'm being mean or judgmental, Monte introduced himself to me as an alcoholic, so that's his language and not mine.  I enjoyed his company and we had nice conversation.

On Sunday, I'm visiting my sister Nickki and her husband Dennis who live in Garner, NC, and we're going to a sports bar that will be carrying the Buffalo Bills game.  The Bills are blacked out in Western New York for the second home game in a row, because they didn't sell out, and that's a shame because they are technically the smallest market in the NFL (actually, Green Bay is the smallest, but the team is community owned so they fill the stadium every week regardless).  Buffalo is playing the 9-2 San Diego Chargers, and if the weather is shitty, it might be the Bills' only hope.  They're not stopping the run very well, and LaDanian Tomlinson is leading the league in rushing, or at least in the top three spots, I forget which.  It could get ugly early, and I don't want my reward for being somewhere else to beat the blackout to be watching my team get thumped.

Not much to report, other than tonight and tomorrow I'll be working with Mike McCarthy, the Comedy Barbarian, who I haven't worked with in 15 years since we did a college gig in Upstate New York at Alfred State College.  Mike had a reputation at the time for being a dirty act, and I got a phone call from the college a couple of weeks before asking me about that rumor.  I had already done my homework and got the inside scoop from a Boston comedy buddy (Mike's home base at the time) who told me Mike was indeed a pretty blue act, but I wasn't gonna throw the guy under the bus, so I pled ignorance and kept my mouth shut. I was happy that I was working with him, because I figured if I screwed up and did something that was over the line, they'd never remember it after Mike did his thing.  It was like a license to kill!  Mike has since moved to Florida, and we've communicated over the internet, but it'll be nice to work with him again.

O.K., I'm gonna iron a shirt and grab a nap, y'all be cool, now, y'hear?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Dreams

Dreams                      6166  (2226)

Wednesday, November 29, 2006-8:20 A.M.

You wanna be a comic?  I'm pretty sure that the life I lead would kill you dead.

It's feast or famine in this business.  One minute, you're living high on the hog, flush with comedy money, and the next, you're rolling pennies for gas money.  I'm not proud.  Right now, I owe my daughter Preschool Harmony (that's what she calls herself), a two-and-a-half year old girl, about $200 that I took from her piggy bank.  Where does a toddler get that kind of money?  From Daddy, who put all his money in there in the first place because Mommy told him to.

I got spoiled on Thanksgiving week.  I worked at home with my good friends Sky Sands and Mike Glosek, filling that cushy middle slot and selling some good product.  Thursday was a day off for Thanksgiving and remembrance, and a nice restaurant cooked meal-the compromise when your wife and daughter don't eat meat, and you still want a slice or two of roast turkey.

The shows were good and I spent the week trying to be the buffer between Mike (a rather "salty" act) in the mc spot and Sky (who prefers to work clean) headlining.  The late shows were young kids and there isn't much you can do except demand their attention and be rude as possible, or else they float away like you're an internet page that's taking too long to load.

A single day off to hit the bank, do laundry and run errands, and I'm looking down the barrel of another 12-hour drive....didn't I just do this?  I'm scheduled to play Lake Norman, North Carolina on Tuesday night.  Lake Norman's just outside of Charlotte, which is where I was the week before last.  I'll be driving through the town of Summersville, West Virginia, proud recipient of $155 of my speeding ticket money.  I hope they choke on their biscuits, those bastards.

So I get everything ready for a death drive on Tuesday, a 4 A.M. wakeup call and I go to bed around 10 PM, only to be awoken by my daughter at 11:30 (Daddy!  Wake up, Daddy!) and don't really get back to sleep until 2 A.M.  I reset my clock for 5 A.M., and drift off to sleep.

Only I don't sleep the whole time....I wake up 20 minutes before the alarm, and figure I'll get a jump on the day, even though I'm 40 minutes behind the 8-ball.  I still have it planned that I'll get to the gig a couple of hours early, and maybe I'll take a nap.

So I shower, dress, and finish packing.  I kiss my wife and daughter and load the car, hop in and start the ignition, only I'm greeted with dead battery.  I didn't drive the car the whole week I was home, and the battery went dead from non-use, I guess.  Luckily, my mother-in-law parks on the street, and I have a key for her vehicle, so I spring into action, pulling the car into the driveway and executing a jump start.  Now I'm ready to go.

Only my oil light is on.  My car leaks oil when I take it on long trips (which is all the time), so now it's dry.  I use synthetic oil, so you're never really "out" of oil, but who wants to take chances?  I drive to Jiffy Lube, as it's 6:30 and all of the auto parts stores that are only blocks from my house are closed.  Jiffy Lube also is closed until 8:00 A.M., and I can't wait that long.  So I head to Wal-Mart, up the road.

Wal-Mart's open, but it's not 24 hours open, so it's open for employees to come in.  I'm not an employee, and they know it, and I have to stand on the carpet for 10 minutes until they "officially" open at 7 A.M.  So I stand there and wait until I'm released, and head to the automotive section.  Three quarts of Quaker State Full Synthetic, and I'm ready to go, only now I have another problem....my hood won't latch.  I can get it to close and click to the thumb latch, but it won't click all the way down.  Time is melting away, and my blood pressure is rising like corn futures in the Spring.

I head further down the road (I'm so far west I'm almost in Buffalo by now) to Vanderstyne Toyota, my regular mechanics who work on the car.  They're closed tighter than a drum.  So now I'm completely at a loss.  I can't drive more than 40 miles an hour with any reassurance that my car hood won't go flying up into my face, and at 40 miles an hour, I might as well be driving to Mars, there's no way I'm gonna make an 8 P.M. show.

I head towards home and drive past Ralph Pontiac Honda, and notice their service department is open, and they have no customers.  Hoping against hope, I make a U-turn and pull in.

I explain my situation and as I have neither a Pontiac nor a Honda, I'm a little embarassed asking for help, but figure the service shouldn't be more than I can afford.  I left most of my money home with Pam to pay bills, but figured if the repair was ridiculous, I could go home and get the money.  Steve Pecora, the service man on duty at Ralph, was familiar with the Corolla because his wife has the same car.  He got under the hood and after messing around with screwdrivers and some WD-40, found the part that was failing to release and got it to work.  I sheepishly asked what the charge would be, and he told me "no charge today."  I want to point out that that kind of generosity is not often found in the automotive repair business, and this guy is getting a nice fruit basket from me this Christmas.  I don't begrudge Vanderstyne for not being open at such an early hour, but they were happy to take my $700 for auto emissions equipment last month, and it feels funny that they weren't there when I needed them.  Also, they popped the hood to put that equipment in, didn't they notice that the hood wasn't closing properly?  This isn't a new problem, you think they would've fixed it, or at least mentioned it to me.  My faith is definitely being tested here.

So now it's 20 minutes before 8, and I'm really cutting it close.  To make a long story short, I motor the 728 miles to Lake Norman, arriving just before 7 P.M.  if you're keeping track, that's 11 hours and 20 minutes later.  I averaged 64.4 miles per hour the whole trip, and that includes when I was standing there pumping gas (three stops for that), in line at the drive-thru getting something to eat (twice) and stopped for rush hour traffic/construction/accident slowdowns (one each).  In other words, I was speeding most of the way.  I'm not proud, again, but drastic times call for drastic measures.

I got to the hotel, and instead of that nap I'd been craving, I got a nice hot shower and got my ass to the gig.  And that wasn't even easy because the decrepit desk clerk sent me in completely the wrong direction.  I had to call the club three times to get reoriented, and made it with ten minutes to spare.  I never understand how people who are FROM a community can be so dismally poor at directing strangers to destinations in or around that community.

The show was absolutely the best show I could put on, despite the fact that even after a nice hot shower, I was hallucinating.  My redneck audience (oh BOY were they redneck, not that that's a bad thing) were easy to read, but I insisted on testing them with material you had to think about (bad judgement brought on by the hallucinations).  I wasn't unhappy with the show as a whole, and headliner James Sibley went up and did his "aw shucks" hillbilly humor and they ate him up with a spoon.  He was fun to watch, even though I almost fell asleep in my chair twice from exhaustion.

Today, it's off to Goldsboro, North Carolina, stop number 2 on my 6-day whirlwind tour of the "First In Flight" state, and today it's my sister Nickki's birthday, so if you see her, wish her a happy one.  Right now, I'm going back to bed for an hour and let the images in my head melt through my eyes.  And by the way, when I talk about hallucinations, I'm not just waxing metaphorically, I actually see small moving objects just outside of my peripheral vision, like small bugs or animals flying past.  It's very distracting when I'm driving, and I've hit the brakes more than once to avoid something that wasn't there.  Just thought you should know.

Pleasant dreams.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Radio Song

Radio Song                       6112  (2172)

Tuesday, November 21, 2006-1:30 P.M.

O.k., so Michael Richards is apparently doing my act in Los Angeles...how exactly does a small-time nobody like me with no financial resources get him to cease and desist?

I'm home after my wonderful weekend in Belmont, North Carolina.  The Comedy Zone there in Starz Restaurant in a neat little room, 60 seats, maybe, and one of the nicest staffs you'll ever meet.  I checked in Thursday to the Holiday Inn, which is a short ten-minute drive away, closer to the heart of downtown Charlotte.

I was working with headliner Robert York of Tulsa, Oklahoma.  Robert's a variety act, he juggles, balances a cowboy hat on his nose, and cracks an 11-foot bullwhip over the heads of the audience.  If that doesn't sober ya up, I don't know what will.  Robert's good people, and I've known him for several years, so we had a good time working together.  The room was rated PG-13, but I found that you can get away with a lot as long as it's funny and not disgusting.  I gots plenty of that funny stuff, and I try to walk around the sticky parts whenever possible, if you get my drift.

Friday's early show was fun, we had some latecomers arrive during my set, and I had to address them, because it's such a small room that it's perfectly obvious that four people are coming in and seating themselves near the stage.  I did a lot of impromptu stuff and was able to direct a lot of set material towards their table, and we had great fun.  It reinforced the illusion that I was making all this great comedy up as I went along, the illusion that most comedians strive for.

Unfortunately, the late show was canceled for lack of patronage.  We probably could have done the show for the five people that showed up, but the club opted out.

Saturday, Robert and I decided to take the restaurant up on their employee discount and had lunch together, and we wound up talking about art, culture, the fine art of finding treasures in thrift stores, and a few hours' worth of like-minded conversation.  It was definitely a welcome change of pace.  I caught the tail end of the Ohio State/Michigan game, and headed to the club.

Saturday's shows were excellent, well-attended and fun, but I had a dark cloud hovering over me in the form of conflicting weather reports as to what I'd be driving home in....some called for snow, some called for just rain showers, but either way, I wasn't pleased.  I had 11 hours and 45 minutes in front of me, and snow can definitely make the driving treacherous and slow.

After getting paid and settling up for my food tab for the weekend (they graciously let the hotel tab go....hooray!), I headed back to the hotel, packed up, and started my way northward.  I don't exactly know how I made it as far as I did, but somewhere around 5 o'clock in the morning, one of West Virginia's finest clocked me at 75 mph in a 55...that's gonna hurt...it's my second West Virginia speeding ticket of the year, and their modus operandi seems to be that they park themselves at the bottom of a hill (and mountainous West Virginia's got plenty of them) and as you coast downhill, you almost always wind up heading toward a town, and the speed limit comes down from 70 to a 55, and you get nabbed.  I haven't called yet, but that's probably gonna be in the $160 range.  Shit.

I stopped driving around 7 A.M. when my ability to read road signs had left me.  I saw signs but couldn't put the letters together into words, so I pulled off at an exit that didn't have anything but an RV dealership.  I pulled into their driveway, which was closed by a big swinging metal gate, and put my seat back, put my sweater hood over my eyes and began to doze.  Around 9 A.M., someone came to open the dealership, and I must have noticed that someone was in the area, because my eyes flicked open and I craned my head up to see a man walking toward the gate....I must be part whitetail deer or something.

I put my seat back up, put the car into drive and headed north again.  I wound up arriving home around 3:30 in the afternoon, prodded on the last few hours by getting to listen to my beloved Buffalo Bills beating the Houston Texans on the radio.  A little snow fell, but nothing on the level of what I was expecting.  I probably could have stayed at the hotel and slept in, and gotten home safely a few hours later and without the speeding ticket, but what's done is done and I can't change that.  I somehow think that God has been telling me the last few months that I'm just not meant to have any money.  I know I have a tendency to mismanage it, paying bills and buying food for my baby and stuff like that....I'm going to have to learn to tighten my belt.

This week is a homestand at the Comix Cafe in Rochester with my buddy Sky Sands.  I've known Sky for a long time, too, and it should be fun working with him again...we haven't really shared a stage together since a year ago this summer, and Wednesday night, the night before Thanksgiving, is one of the busiest club nights of the year, so I'm really looking forward to it.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, watch the roads, and save me a drumstick!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Too Much Time On My Hands

Too Much Time On My Hands                                  6085  (2145)

Friday, November 17, 2006-3:15 A.M.

Good morning my red-eyed speedfreaks.  If you are up at this hour, you are either a night-shifter, a milkman getting the jump on his day, a fisherman, or you're hopped up on the jobabba juice.  Regardless, good morning, amen, and good morning.

I'm chilling out in the Hee-to-the-Eye, Holiday Inn, in Charlotte, North Carolina.  I started out my little jaunt by heading out to Huron, Ohio, gateway to Sandusky, and a show at a club called i5's, which is an abbreviation for "It's 5 o'clock Somewhere."  Well, showtime was at 8, but it might as well have been at 5, because we only had about 20 people.  They were nice enough, but how do you rock 20 people?  If I was a drummer and I threw my sticks into this crowd, they would have hit the floor.  I worked with a comic who shall remain nameless who I caught pilfering a line or two from a big-name comic's HBO special....not a classy move, even in front of 20 people.  He's a guy I've worked with before so we had a nice chit-chat, but nothing beyond that.  It's a shame because his own stuff is plenty funny....I guess headlining is a different sport for some.

Wednesday, it was on to Kelsey's in Bluefield, West Virginia, and a reunion with my pal R. Bruce from Fredericksburg, Virginia.  Bruce and I have been friends for almost 13 years now, and he's one of those guys that I'll see once a year, and we just pick up right where we left off.  We did our show for about 50 West Virginia hillbillies, and from past experience, I knew I really had to just pound it out to them....you take a pause, and they'll start a conversation or heckle or do some other stupid thing to stop the show.  Bruce did his thing and showed off for me a little, playing some of his new songs (he's a guitar guy) that he knew I hadn't heard.  I contributed a line to one of his songs, and he goes out of his way to mention it from the stage everytime we work together.  It's nice if not totally necessary, but he's a gentleman and that's how gentlemen conduct themselves.

We hung out after the show, showing off pictures of children (my kid, his grandkids) and talking business. I was bummed to be spending my 40th birthday away from home, but it was nice to at least be with a friend for it.  I didn't have cake, but there were pop tarts in the vending machine, and I had a brown sugar cinnamon one...yummy!

While I was driving to Bluefield, I worked the phones, not for comedy work but to figure out where I was gonna stay on Thursday, my day off.  I called the Holiday Inn, but they were interested in charging me $129 for one night, and I was interested in them kissing my black ass.  The Comedy Zone (where I'll be playing on Friday and Saturday) is getting a drastically reduced rate, and I talked the club into extending my reservation to Thursday, which got the aforementioned rate (I'll spill it....it was $45....much better than $129, eh?).  Katie, the big kahuna over at Starz, graciously did the legwork making the reservation and paid for the room in advance, and they'll take the difference out of my check for the week.  It's nice being able to spend the whole week in one place, and with a Holiday Inn, you can't hardly go wrong....wireless internet, restaurant on the premises, no bars on the windows, you know, the good stuff.

I took a nice nap which turned out to last until almost 10:00, and I hadn't had dinner, so I headed out to find some chow, and I ran into hypnotist Rich Guzzi in the lobby....Rich started out as a standup comic back when I ran the room in Rochester, and he remembered me....we had a nice chat, and might have lunch together tomorrow or the next day.  He's playing at the Comedy Zone's main room in Charlotte this week (they have three, plus a one-nighter in Lake Norman just north of here, that I'm actually doing in two weeks).  I'm working with Robert York this weekend, so it's gonna be like a comedy frat house up in this hotel because the comics from the Matthews, NC room will be staying here, too.  I'm wondering if my old buddy T.L. Johnson will be in town....he lives here, and I've known him for several years from his time in Rochester.

I really need some sleep....I tried to buy a soda from the vending machine right outside my door, and the Diet Pepsi was sold out, relegating me to purchase Diet Mountain Dew.  I've had three of them tonight, and I'm so jacked from the caffeine that I'm ready to challenge a bunch of guys in a meth lab to a staring contest.

More foolishness about the shows later this weekend.  Have a happy!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

A Pirate Looks At 40

A Pirate Looks At 40                  6065  (2125)

Tuesday, November 14, 2006-12:50 A.M.

I got my car back today; it was a good feeling and horrible at the same time....$710 after tax for emissions work on the engine.  It felt good to drive, though, like it was getting more air or something, just responding to the gas pedal and moving without hesitation.

We bought a Christmas tree for Harmony today....a small one, but an artificial one with colored lights, it's about 4 feet tall, so for Harmony, it's just right.  This is the first year that she really knows about Christmas, I think, so it felt good and right to pick it up today and set it up and watch her wonderful, beautiful brown eyes soak up the wonderment of it all.  I get maudlin, joyous, overly romantic and sullen this time of year, it's a time when I feel close to God and I lay all of my hopes and dreams at his feet and ask forgiveness for my vanity, sloth, and a host of other sins.  Buying Harmony a tree definitely makes me feel more hopeful and positive; she doesn't know about car repair bills and canceled comedy shows (and I hope she never will).

So the big news is that I turn 40 on Wednesday...the first of the three Tetta kids to cross that black line.  Nickki's happily married (after an early misfire) and working a good job in North Carolina, Chris just got a promotion at the radio station he's working at, and he'll get to work a more steady schedule so that he can enjoy time with his wife and two children.  I'm getting into a car tomorrow morning and leaving and won't return until late next Sunday night, the eve of my 6th wedding anniversary.  I've been a little wound up about this turning 40 business, and what it all means.  I read an article in a men's fitness magazine (several years ago) that described 40 as the perfect time in a man's life; knowledge and experience coupled with the physical energy to make the best use of them.  I don't know if that's true, I don't feel very energetic, much less knowledgeable or experienced.

My good friend Kevin Naughton told me, "You'll be 50 someday and wishing you were 40, so enjoy it."  That seemed kind of simple to me, but correct if not inspiring.

I have to admit that I don't know what life is.  All I know is what life isn't.

Life isn't about the foolish pursuit of wealth and material things.  High ticket electronics make you dependent on them, and then they break down.  Clothing wears and frays, and low ticket items that you think will make you happy wind up on a table at your garage sale, sold cheaply and without hesitation.

Life isn't about worrying.  Nature corrects itself, and your worry neither adds to nor subtracts from the process.  The Bible says this well, that worry will not turn one white hair on your head back to black.  It's true.

Life isn't about anger or grudges.  Most of the time, the person you are angry with or have a grudge against doesn't even know it.  So you waste your time and increase your blood pressure over someone who doesn't even know you have a problem with them.

Life isn't about waking up to alarm clocks or drinking coffee to "get going."  If you have to wake up this way, you aren't done sleeping and you're just wearing your body out and forcing your mind to operate before it's ready.  Not smart at all.

I guess I do know what life is about, maybe just a little.....life is about reconcilliation, mending fences and helping people.  Life is about listening more than talking, giving more than you expect to return, teaching what you know and learning what you can.  Gayle Sayre's book "I Am Third," which was made into the TV movie "Brian's Song" comes from a quotation of his, "God is first, my family is second and I am third."  I can't argue with that.

40 is coming and it's not a death sentence, but it is a line of demarcation in my business.  Comedy and show business worship youth, and I have none to offer anymore.  I still haven't received my big break!  And yet, the success stories of Jimmie Wiggins (google him if you don't know), Rodney Dangerfield and the likes of David Letterman and Jay Leno (who all got their breaks after the age of 40) give me inspiration and hope.  If nothing else, I've got the easiest job in the world, one that gives me satisfaction if not material reward.

Is that knowledge or wisdom, I wonder?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Jackson

Jackson                                       6052  (2112)

Sunday, November 12, 2006-2:10 A.M.

Hello from Jackson, Michigan, home of the Jackson Comedy Club.  I headlined a show this evening with feature act Jesse James Lundy, guest performer Kate Brindle and MC Chris Young.  Our crowd was small but spirited, and I had fun in my closing role, despite a 7-hour drive across Canada and into Michigan.

My weekend originally included a Friday show, but the club hasn't been drawing well, so they cut the Friday show.  It's a shame, because it's a really nice room with good sound and lights, and also I really could have used the money this week.  I took my car in to (finally) get my New York State inspection, and the repairs necessary to get it up to snuff were $600-some-odd dollars (before tax) which put an ass-whuppin' on the family finances.  I actually took my wife's car to the gig this weekend because we couldn't really afford to get my car out of the shop without taking all our scratch....I needed X amount of money for gas, so I wound up taking the Mazda, which doesn't get as good a mileage as my Corolla.

The only thing that really brought a smile to my face this week, other than having good quality time with my wife and daughter, was the election results on Tuesday and the resignation of Donald Rumsfeld.  I have had an itchy asshole about that guy ever since the "hillbilly armor" story broke, and this prick had the audacity to say that you go to war with the army you have, not the one you hope to have.  For the billions of dollars being funneled into the war effort, you'd think the soldiers would have the armor on their person and vehicles that they would need......but I don't want to get into a long political dissertation.  All I know is that payback is a bitch, and with the majority party now in the minority, I look forward to seeing some radical shit coming down the pipe.

I've got a 6 or 7 hour drive in front of me tomorrow, so I'm gonna keep this brief and catch some sleep.  But before I go, I want to mention something.  I notice that there is a trend that's been going on for some years, and it started in e-mail and spread to websites like "myspace" and the like....it's the personal information quiz.  I don't know who writes these things, but they are more often trite than not and while I want to answer them, I can't bring myself to answer questions like "what's your favorite color?" and "what is the last thing you ate?"  If you really want to know, my favorite colors are the Buffalo Bills team colors, Scarlet Red, Royal White and Navy Blue, and the last thing I ate was some Burger King chicken nuggets (the only food I could find this late at night, Steve).

So I thought, why not go ahead and answer a quiz, but the questions would be provided by folks who read my blog.  So I submit to you, my faithful readers....what do you want to know?  I'll assemble the first 20 questions and answer them, and then pass the quiz along into the ether, where people will answer for themselves or delete at their discretion.  So when you write a question, don't direct it at me, but at anyone who would want to answer such a question.

That's it.  Nappy nap time.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Where Is The Love

Where Is The Love                 6021  (2081)

Tuesday, November 7, 2006-1:50 A.M.

Well, good morning.  It's election day, so don't forget to go out there and fire someone (or hire someone, for that matter).

I'm home after the two-week jaunt in Wisconsin.  I worked this week with Chicago's Kevin Naughton, a comic I have been in the trenches with before.  We had decent shows all week at the State Street Comedy Club in Madison, one of the coolest places to play.  Gus Pappas and his wife Mary are the genial proprietors, and they definitely make you feel welcome in their club.  For God's sake, they pay you in an envelope with a thank-you card....how cool is that?  Mary turned me on to Keith Olbermann, who I've been watching on YouTube.  It's not a hard sell because he's beating that left-wing drum, but I like hearing it and I can't get enough, either.  He had one commentary that lasted about ten minutes that said either President Bush was lying or too stupid to know the truth.  Well, that may be pandering to the liberal base, but I can't say I didn't enjoy listening to it.  I have to switch off from CNN now and again and catch some MSNBC, now that I know what sort of flag they're flying.

I spent the weekend in the Monona Lake Suite at the Madison Concourse Hotel.  It's a beautiful property, really, and just a short, two-block walk from the club.  I've been to this club five times, and only once was the hotel sold out, and they had to move us to another place.  I think Gus has a deal with the owner of the hotel, because we had strange accomodations this week.

Instead of a regular guest room (which I guess were all sold out), Kevin and I were put in what is called "parlor suites."  Basically, these are rooms that are set up for meetings and don't include the regular guest room amenities.  For example, my room was basically double the size of a normal room, but there was no bed, so they rolled in a rollaway bed.  I had the normal TV/entertainment center with bureau drawers, a phone, iron and ironing board, but I also had a long meeting-room table and four chairs, also a small sofa (on wheels).  There was a normal bathroom, but I also had a bar area with another sink, and a small refrigerator.

There was a lot of extra room, so I spent the first hour moving furniture, condensing all of the items into a space about a quarter of the entire room.  This made things cozy and accessible, and I made sure I was going to be comfortable for the three days so I could do my job.  I set up the ironing board out in "no-man's-land" so it wouldn't be in my way, and ironed the shirts I would need for the weekend, hanging them on the backs of three of the four aforementioned chairs.

The hotel had wireless internet, so I set up my laptop on the big meeting room table, which I placed adjacent to the TV/entertainment center.  My bed was tucked in the corner, facing the TV, and I moved an end table next to my bed for the lamp, clock/radio and still had plenty of space for my CPAP machine (a piece of equipment that humidifies and blows air through my nose while I sleep to counter my sleep apnea).  I rolled the couch up to the table and sat on that while I worked at the computer, because it was much softer than the chairs.  Also, I had room on the sofa next to me for my briefcase, so from a convenience standpoint, it was optimal.

Thursday night was open mic night, and there were three of them, plus our mc.  They were very clique-ey and unwatchable, spitting out half-baked "shock" humor and then chastising the audience for not "getting" them.  It was really an obnoxious display.  I went up with my old school "setup-punchline" jokes and slaughtered, and none of the new kids talked to me afterwards.  I guess it must hurt to be 25 and hip, and some 40-year old bastard comes out of nowhere and shows you how it's done.  I hate to pat myself on the back, but the pretentiousness of some of the youth in this business is really starting to get to me.  When I was starting out, we paid our respects to the older comics who had figured out the game, and we learned from them.  These kids seem to think they know it all, and I never thought I would be talking like this, but I guess old people prattle on for a reason....it's a never-ending cycle that keeps getting played out over and over.

Friday night's shows were soft, but Saturday was excellent.  The University of Wisconsin won their big football game against Penn State, and I literally walked against the crowd earlier in the day as they headed down State Street from the stadium towards the downtown where my hotel was, and I was walking up State Street looking for lunch.  I was the only person out therenot wearing the red 'n' white of Wisconsin, as a matter of fact, beneath my black hooded sweatshirt, I was actually wearing Tennessee orange.  It was a faux pas easily remedied by not taking the sweatshirt off.

For a little while, I thought about driving home overnight, if for no other reason to get through Chicago in the night when traffic was light.  I nixed that idea in favor of six or seven hours of sleep (closer to six, to be honest), and headed out in the morning.  Chicago wasn't bad, but Indiana was very slow going....lots of trucks blocking both lanes (get right, asshole!) and construction cutdowns to one lane changed my estimated time of arrival from 8 o'clock in the evening to my eventual return sometime after 11 P.M.  Still, it was great to get home after two weeks on the road, and today I spent practically the whole day watching Harmony while Pam went out running errands.  My little daughter gave me the biggest hug I ever got, and it hurt a little bit (o.k., a lot) to realize all at once and in a very physical, tangible way what I deny myself because of my vocation and the pursuit of it.  At one point, I took out the colored pencils and we colored together in one of her coloring books, and it didn't matter that the sky had a big orange splotch in it even though I was trying to show her how to color it blue, she just appreciated that I was there with her, spending time with her.  Children spell "love" T-I-M-E, and I musn't forget that.

Wives spell love a bunch of different ways, and when I got home, Pamela had showed off the special things she got me at Tops, namely products with the Buffalo Bills logo on it....they were simple things, chunky-style soup, cornflakes and peanuts, but she knows how much I cherish the Bills, and got them to make me happy.  I had a big bowl of the cornflakes and enjoyed the soup for lunch.  It's a little thing, but much appreciated.

And while I'm on the Buffalo Bills, on Saturday night, a comedian friend of mine named Nathan Craig (I worked with him in Cleveland back in September) stopped in.....Madison being his home town (he basically lives in Chicago now).  We did the pal-around thing, and one of our last conversations regarded his beloved Green Bay Packers and how they were going to beat Buffalo this weekend, and I told him that Brett Favre sucked so bad, his football card was worth more than he was.  I listened to as much radio as I could on the drive home Sunday, and when I couldn't get a radio station in, I called my brother Christopher in Syracuse and made him describe the play-by-play to me over the phone until it was certain that Buffalo had won.

I have to go now...I'm really tired and I have to send Nate an e-mail telling him that the Packers suck.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Whatever

Whatever                              5979  (2039)

Thursday, November 2, 2006-1:10 A.M.

Well, I'm in Iowa.  Calling home and saying that I'm in Iowa is just a little less embarassing than calling home and saying I'm in prison.  And at the very least, no one has ever had to be bailed out of Iowa.  Except Howard Dean....boy, that was a mess.

Saturday night, I did my first ever three-show evening.  I had to look it up in my past road books, and apparently, it's never happened before.  I feel like a rookie, and I'm fast approaching 19 years of doing standup comedy.  And boy, doesn't that feel weird.

The shows were good, if not very well-attended....we probably could have gotten away with two shows, but the money was better, so I wasn't complaining.  I got back to the room and didn't realize how tired I actually was, I was out like a light.  I got some good rest, which was appropriate, because I had a big couple of days "off," and needed to prepare for them.

I had scheduled an audition on Monday for the NBC TV show "America's Got Talent."  I found out about the audition in Chicago through my friends at the Comedy Zone, who forwarded the press release to all of the comics on their roster.  I decided that because I was in Milwaukee, and staying at the club's comedy condo (a two-bedroom apartment where they store the comedians while we're in town), I might make good use of one of my days off by going down and throwing my hat into the ring.

On Sunday, I paid my cellular bill (had to drive all over Milwaukee to find a Cingular Wireless store that accepted cash payments) and just around the corner, as good luck would have, there was a public library branch that was open on Sunday!  I went in, used the internet to print out directions to the Chicago Navy Pier, which was much farther than I would have budgeted time for.  It was definitely a lucky happenstance that I wasn't able to pay my bill on Saturday, because I most likely would not have tried to print directions to Chicago, figuring it to be a "straight shot" and trusting myself to get there on my own instincts.

I was going to sit in the apartment on Sunday and go over my act with a fine-toothed comb, as I had to prepare two 90-second sets to perform for the casting people.  I decided I was better off not to dwell on it, and went to go see the new Robin Williams movie.  I highly recommend it, if you're interested in taking a nap in a movie theater.  The film has a great premise, but it does less-than-nimble handsprings around itself, trying to become something, and merely tangling up the cord of the kitchen telephone.  I got home in the early evening, less than inspired, and popped one of my DVD's into the player to see if there were any jokes that I'm not doing anymore that I should be doing.  I wound up writing down a dozen or so that I thought were good and appropriate, leaving out anything racial, sexual or controversial.  Also, anything having to do with pooping or gas also was deleted.  For some reason, they love that material in the club, but get the same people home in front of the TV, and all of a sudden they're picky.

I got up good 'n' early, shaved, showered, dressed, and headed to Chicago.  I got there relatively on time despite the heavy traffic, and instead of arriving an hour before my 1:30 audition, I got there 40 minutes early.  A stop to the bathroom ate up 20 minutes, and I cursed McDonald's and their dollar menu.  I had 20 minutes to go, and the information desk informed me that the auditions were at the other end of the Navy Pier, which is a big tourist trap (on an actual pier) with a food court, gift shops, a stained glass museum, and large banquet halls.  I beat feat for the end of the pier, as fast as my dress-shoe shod feet would allow, and got there with exactly two minutes to spare.  Come to find out, they had me down for 1:45, but it didn't matter, because nobody saw me until 2:30 anyway.

The audition went pretty well, as well as could be expected, doing a minute and a half of comedy in front of five people sitting at a table with no alcohol in front of them, and knowing that they sat through a whole day of auditions yesterday, and were going into the second half of a busy day when I arrived.  They were friendly, but didn't inspire any real hope in me....the actual selection process doesn't begin until they go to Los Angeles and one other city, New Orleans, I think, and then they alert the folks they're interested in by phone.  My phone might never ring, but if I stayed in the apartment in Milwaukee, it definitely never would have rung.

The guy that went in before me was a variety act, and I have to comment on this.  He was a tall, like Tim Robbins tall, guy, wearing a suit.  When he came out, some fifteen minutes later, he was naked except for his shoes and socks, and a pair of pink and white striped boxer shorts.  He also had a huge afro wig that was pulled down so far it obscured his vision, and he had his clothes in his arms, and was asking where the bathroom was.  I pointed him to the men's room across the way, and he went ass over teakettle into an easel with a sign with all the NBC audition rules.  I figured that this guy is definitely getting on to the program, but for all the wrong reasons.  They're gonna make fun of him, and he's got no shot at the cash prize, which I did not know was a million dollars until my wife looked it up online.  I hung out with a pair of magicians, Dean and Denise, and we chatted to make the time go faster.  They went in just before I did, and came out pretty quick.  While they were in there, an older guy with a bullwhip and his wife came up, the next act after me to try out.  They had roses, which I presume they would be using the bullwhip to whip out of each other's teeth, and I thought that no matter how clever I think I am, if I'm putting someone on TV, it's the old guy with the whip.

The drive home to Milwaukee from Chicago was a monster, and the next day, Halloween, it was off to Lacrosse, Wisconsin.  Now, having comedy on the same night as Halloween may seem like a great marketing plan, but it really isn't.  There were seven people at our show, and while they were great and fun to work in front of, it felt like the audition in Chicago the day before.  If it wasn't for the money, there'd be no reason for me to even have been there, having played Lacrosse just a month and a half before (at a different room for a different booker).  Today was Dubuque, Iowa, at the 3100 club, which is a pale replacement for the old Brass Ring lounge that used to put 300 people in the club each night.  Our crowd tonight was about 50, and not bad until folks decided that they could chime in with their two cents like it was a town meeting.  Again, if it wasn't for the money, I wouldn't even come.

The rest of the week, it's Madison, Wisconsin, one of the smartest (and most liberal) towns in the United States, and the lodging is at the five-star Concourse Hotel, which just happens to be walking distance from the State Street Comedy Club.  This is one of the clubs that I look forward all year to playing, I always do well and have a really good time.  Hopefully, tomorrow I'll find a comic book shop (I know they have one, just don't remember how to get there) and have some gyros at this Greek place down college row.  State Street, where the club is located, follows all the way to the University of Wisconsin at Madison (Go Badgers) and features a long string of shops that are very eclectic and interesting.  There's also the obligatory Starbucks and chain-style fast food (Taco Bell, Burger King) and a great pizza place that stays open quite late.

It's been a fun and interesting tour this last couple of weeks, but I'm reaching saturation and can't wait to get home again.  I don't know how the "big name" guys do it, touring for months on end; actually, I do know, it's called drugs and alcohol and meaningless groupie sex.  I guess I really need to make sure that I'm home at least once a week, my body can't handle any of those three things.  I turn 40 years old on the 15th, and it's a milestone that I'm not going to be able to ignore, at least because the people around me probably won't let me.  But inside, I definitely know what's going on....I've looked forward to 40 as the perfect synergy between wisdom and physical stamina, figuring that as I've collected knowledge, I would still have (at this point) the energy to use that knowledge.  There are some days I'm not so sure, but as my health gets better and I continue to do the important things, watching my diet, excercising and monitoring my blood sugar, I'm sure my outlook will change.

OK, that's it.  I'll check in again before the end of the week, I'm sure, and if I don't, make sure you vote this Tuesday.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Halloween

Halloween                            5944  (2004)

Saturday, October 28, 2006-2:15 P.M. CDT

Wow...tonight, I'm doing three shows....I can't remember the last time I did that (did Iever do three shows in one night?  I'm gonna have to look at my old road journals).

I'm working at the famous Giggles Comedy Pub in Germantown (Milwaukee), Wisconsin.  I got in Thursday afternoon to find no one at the club to give me keys to get into the condo where the comics stay, had to call the owner's cell phone and wait around for an hour.  I made the mistake of going to the old apartment where the comics used to stay, to find a locked door and a barking dog...they moved the accomodations to another complex, and somebody has rented out the old place.

Thursday was kind of stiff, a little older crowd and an early start.  It was nice getting everything done by 9:30, but then I stayed up so late because I wasn't tired, I thought I'd never get to sleep.

Last night, we did two shows and they were excellent, but the house manager was flashing me the light at 15 minutes....I looked at my watch and couldn't believe it, I thought I offended somebody or something....I asked them why they were flashing me so soon, on stage, in the middle of my show, and then explained to the crowd what "the light" meant, and that they time the shows to make sure everything runs smoothly.  It didn't affect my overall performance, it actually might have added to it a little bit.

In honor of the Halloween holiday this weekend, the servers are wearing cute little Halloween costumes.  They're very tasteful and non-intrusive, just things like a set of clip-on tiger ears, and a tiger tail, very minimalist.  I think that's a lot better than having servers dolled up in full costumes, plus who wants to give their cocktail order to a girl dressed up as a train-hopping hobo?  Not me, I can tell you that.

Yesterday, Chris Johnson (our good and honorable headliner) and I went to lunch and somewhere along the line, found out that we both had a penchant for garage sales.  Incredibly, in Wisconsin in 50 degree weather, we found several (and on a Friday afternoon....it was amazing).  I scored big in the used book department, picking up piles of Little Golden Books and Dr. Suess books for Harmony, and finished my score with a trip to the Menominee Falls library, where the used books go out at 6 for a buck.  I bought two dollars' worth, and got some interesting reading titles, but most of them are going to be resold on the internet.  A quick browsing of them found some of the titles to be worth five dollars or more each....I'm not getting rich, but it's a fun hobby to search out cheap used books and resell them at a profit.  Plus, it keeps me busy during the day...you can only watch so much World Series of Poker on TV before your brain starts turning to mush.

Yesterday was also a very good day for comedy business, I picked up four weeks of work from Funny Business Agency (one week of headlining work thrown in), and one of the weeks was in Battle Creek the week I'm performing at Gary Field's for a cancer benefit.  I was worried I wouldn't find any work that week, and I managed to get a week at the very club I'm performing in....that means no extra driving, and I can't tell you how happy I am about that!

I have a few hours  to prepare for my three-show evening, so I'm going to call it quits here and go pay my cell phone bill and try to rest up.  Have a happy Halloween, and don't eat too much candy!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

One More

One More                         5926  (1986)

Wednesday, October 25, 2006-3:30 P.M. CDT

I'm in Oshkosh, Wisconsin, getting ready for the big show at Fratello's Restaurant tonight, on the shores of Lake Winnebago, just a stone's throw from legendary Lambeau Field and home of the Green Bay Packers.

I finished up last weekend with Michael Winslow of "Police Academy" fame, doing two shows....it was a flip-flop of the night before; first show was good, second show crowd was listless and unresponsive.  I did my time and got the hell out of there, Michael was doing an hour and fifteen minutes every show!  I cut my time to seven minutes and feature act Sal Demilio was doing about fifteen to twenty, if that.  We had a good time, and we talked at length about the club he's running in Wyandotte, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit.  I managed to get a booking out of him, and I'm going in March, at which time I will also do a little consulting, offering what club advice I can give from my vast experience running such a place.  I'm looking forward to it, Sal's good people, and this is the perfect remedy for my falling out with Billy over at Chaplain's, the club that wouldn't let me sell my CD's after the show this past spring.  I'd rather work for people that are nice and amenable than a guy with the demeanor of strip club owner going through a tax audit with a porcupine halfway up his ass.  It was fortunate that I got canceled in Harrisburg this past weekend, that I could take the mc work in Rochester and reconnect with Sal and get this opportunity.

Pam and I chilled out this weekend, and I started work on buttoning down the house so my two week tour of Wisconsin wouldn't weigh too heavily on her.  We went shopping (much easier with both of us, someone can watch the baby while the other juggles all the coupons) and when we got home, I knotted things up, did some basic housecleaning and got Pam to a clean slate.  I think I do all this out of guilt that I'm leaving her with the baby while I'm out eating in restaurants, watching movies, sleeping in big, luxurious hotel beds and enjoying the low-pressure life of complete freedom.

I got about three hours of sleep before I had to hit the road for Rockford, Illinois.  I stayed up getting my luggage packed, printing out driving directions and checking hotel reservations.  I went to bed at 2:30, fell asleep at 3:30, and woke up at 6:30.  Thankfully, all I had to do was shower and dress and load luggage into the car at that point. I used to always forget one thing when I packed, and it was always different.  Usually it was never a disaster, but one time I did forget to pack a pair of slacks, and did my show in a jacket and jeans.  That's a good look for Jeff Foxworthy, but not me.

I had to mind my p's and q's to the Pennsylvania border because my New York State inspection sticker on my car was out of date.  Once I got out of New York, I didn't care, because other states don't have the jurisdiction to ticket me for such an offense.  I have a couple of repair issues that I have to attend to before I get the inspection, and I couldn't afford them due to three weeks of unemployment and underemployment, so I basically became an official member of the criminal underground.  Poverty leads to crime, my Sociology major friends, it's not an inborn trait.  Anyway, I have one tire that's going bald, and I found out how important something like that is, when I was leaving a gas station just outside of Cleveland and felt the back of the car completing a turn that I hadn't made yet....a little scary, for sure!  I'll try to get repairs done here in Wisconsin as I make the money, and get a new sticker when I get home.

I made it to Rockford about an hour before showtime, just enough time to shower up and make it to the club.  I'm working with Chris "Boom Boom" Johnson, a Rockford native, and LT's was packed, with quite a few people coming to see him.  I had a strong set and sold a good bunch of CD's after the show, and for a few minutes, I was disoriented because I forgot what it was like to have money.  Chris killed, and then I left him with his family who came out to the show, and I headed back to the hotel to get some rest.

Tonight's a late starter, 9 PM Central time, so I've got about 5 hours to kill.  I have a big audition on Monday, and I'll write more about that later, but it's going to require a little preparation on my part.  Maybe I'll start picking apart my act and figure out what material I'm going to showcase....or maybe I'll take a nap.  I'm still pretty tired from the big drive, and I've got five days to prepare.

And oh, that big fluffy bed looks sooooooo inviting....

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Say What Ya Want

Say What Ya Want                5901  (1961)

Saturday, October 21, 2006-3:26 P.M.

I opened for Wu Tang Clan!  Holla!

Actually, I opened for Michael Winslow, AKA Officer Larvelle Jones from the "Police Academy" movies, for two shows last night at the Comix Cafe, my home (sigh) club in Rochester, NY.  I've got two more shows tonight, and I'm happy for the work after being unceremoniously canceled at the Harrisburg, PA Comedy Zone due to a double-booking I had no control over.

Well, where Wu Tang Clan comes in, Michael's road manager/soundman is a gentleman who introduced himself as "Chi" from Wu Tang Clan, although I know he is not one of the original 9, I figured he is a new guy working with the group.  Anyway, I've seen Michael Winslow many times, and he has re-upped his stage show to include multi-media (read: he flashes films on the back wall while he does his stuff).  He still does his fabled Jimi Hendrix bit "Night of the Jimi's" which still makes the hairs on my neck stand up, and I've seen him 30 times or more.

The feature act, Sal DeMilio, is a cool guy from Detroit that I worked with before in Jackson, Michigan at a bowling alley on a Sunday night.  You don't forget a guy when you've been through the trenches with him like that.  We had a great time talking comedy business and such, and I'm looking forward to more chatting around tonight.  Michael has an inordinately long show, so we'll have plenty of time to talk in the bar, don't you worry about that.

Wednesday I headed down to Blacksburg, Virginia, and worked at Attitude's Lounge in the Holiday Inn, one of my favorite one-nighter's to play, and I was working with Mike Siscoe, a guy I only knew from www.roadcomics.com and the spirited discussion that he brings to the site.  We had a good crowd and it was a good show overall, hosted by Anthony Quinn, the house mc at Attitude's, and we were treated to a guest set by a young lady named Laura Prangley, who was funny and not hard to look at, by any means.  I am still suffering from bronchitis, but I managed through my half hour without losing wind.

It was 600 miles down there, almost to the knuckle, and a little shorter getting back home, which always surprises me...how can it be 604 miles down, and when I arrive home expecting my odometer to say 1208, and it says 1198?  That's just confusing, unless my tires weren't actually touching the ground for six miles or something.  The highlight of my trip was finding gas in Virginia (I-81, exit 128) for $1.99 a gallon, and Siscoe told me he saw it in West Virginia for less than that!  That's a big deal for a New York State boy who's used to paying $2.39 a gallon nowadays.

Anyway, I didn't sell any product (college kids have NOOO money these days!) and wound up losing about $20 for doing the gig and not canceling, but I don't like canceling on short notice, and I already canceled the date last winter, and I didn't want it to happen again, thereby eroding the booker's confidence in me.  I'm happy to be picking up the work this weekend, courtesy of my buddy Ray Salah who was originally scheduled, but graciously stepped aside because he knows I've got a wife and child to feed...Ray's my best friend for the last 18 years, and there's not many out there like him.

I leave Tuesday for Wisconsin, and hopefully the return of regular income as the last couple of months have left our household dangerously in arrears.  I also have an audition for "America's Got Talent" in Chicago on one of my days off, so hopefully I'll pass and you'll get to see Yours Truly on NBC during primetime someday.  It worked out perfectly that the Chicago auditions are happening while I'm in Milwaukee, which is a piddling hour drive away....it's almost like fate, only with a toll booth every four miles.  I have to prepare 90 seconds of comedy for my audition, and I figure my best bet is to just go raw dog political on their ass, because I'm just another white guy and I feel I need to stand out.  I've got some stuff that's been killing lately, and I think that's my big finish, I just have to decide what to do to open up.  I've never done a 90 second set, but that's a lot of time, if you think about it.

O.K., it's off to the mall to find a child-proof lock for our refrigerator, as little Harmony has learned how to open it and take stuff out and put it on the floor, looking for chocolate cookies and ranch dressing and other potables that she enjoys.

Have a great weekend, talk to ya soon.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Trick Or Treat

Trick Or Treat                           5862 (1922)

Monday, October 16, 2006-9:00 P.M.

Well, it's official....I saw my nutritionist today, and for the first time in over 15 years, I am under 300 pounds.  I weighed in today at 295 and a quarter, and I gotta tell you, it feels great.

I've been watching my sugars and starches, and getting light exercise in whenever possible, and although the results are coming slowly, they're coming.  I was 329 lbs. only six months ago, so at the current rate, I'll be at my recommended weight of 190 pounds in no time.

I think one of the components of my weight loss has been the unemployment that's been plagueing me these last couple of weeks, although last week didn't turn out half bad.  Instead of hosting at the Comix Cafe on Thursday and Sunday, I featured, and Sunday night I sold a good amount of product.  Then on Friday, I picked up a gig from Danny Liberto (mentioned in the first previous blog) as his headliner, one Danny Pordum from Buffalo, New York, was trapped in the Queen City due to the freak blizzard that hit.  There was speculation going around (and I add, unproven speculation) that he was called upon by Jr's Last Laugh, the full-time comedy club in Erie, Pennsylvania, to fill in, and canceled Danny's one-nighter, using the snow as an excuse, but for whatever reason, I was happy to pick up the work.  Danny hosted the room, and our feature act was Joe Cumbo, a student of mine from way back when I taught the fine art of standup comedy to starry-eyed dreamers.  We had a leisurely ride to Oswego, New York, only about two hours away (if that), and got ready for the 9 P.M. show.

I considered the show to be decent, if under-attended.  The crowd seemed to like what I was doing, although they got to be a little chatty, and I'm still battling an upper respiratory illness, bronchitis or something, and I told them flat out that I would not be able to talk over them, even with the mic.  I finished fine, and sold a couple of CD's to some army guys who were loud, but enjoyed the show.  They even mentioned that even though our politics were different, they liked what I had to say.  That felt good.

Wednesday, I have a one-nighter in Blacksburg, Virginia, a gig I picked up to go along with my Harrisburg, Pennsylvania weekend that is now not happening.   I'm probably going to do no better than break even on the gig, depending on the price of gas on the way down and back.  Still, it wouldn't be very wise to cancel with such short notice, especially since the booking agent has been very good to me in terms of passing work my way on my request.  Big ups to Chuck Johnson at Summit Comedy, Inc!

I got word today that the check I've been waiting for should arrive tomorrow or the next day, and not a moment too soon; this time off has been whittling away at my reserves.  Tomorrow is car inspection day, and I'm bracing for a kick in the nuts in that respect, depending on what my faithful Toyota Corolla needs  to be considered up to speed.  Time will tell, I'm sure.

I'm picking up readers to this blog, which originates under AOL: Journals as Ralph Tetta's Comedy Roadtrip, and is cross-posted to MySpace blogs under www.myspace.com/rabidralph and at www.comedysoapbox.com.  I'm always flattered when I find out someone I know is a regular reader, I wish I was as good at cultivating actual real-life friendships as I am at attracting blog-audience.  Either way, I'm thankful for the attention.

Today's joke, came up with it in the car the other day with Pamela...

"I love Halloween, everyone gets into the spirit of the holiday with their lawn displays.  I saw one lawn with all sorts of homemade wooden crosses, I thought it was a graveyard, until I realized it was just a really bad curve in the road."

Hoping you get more treats than tricks...

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Seems Uncertain

Seems Uncertain                            5824  (1884)

Thursday, October 12, 2006-2:15 P.M.

The worst part about being a standup comic, I've come to realize, is the uncertainty of it all.  It's uncertain whether you will get to your show or not, as any kind of weather, road construction, or automobile accident could stop you from getting to the gig, never mind car trouble.  At least car trouble you have somewhat of a manner of control over, if you regularly maintain your vehicle, you should probably make it where you have to go.

It's uncertain that the gig will even happen; cancellations have been the flavor of the month for me, and it's being held over as a flavor for a second month despite my arguments to the contrary.

Finally, it's uncertain that you'll ever be paid for a gig, particularly if you are sent away with a check, or worse yet, the promise of a check.

I had two weeks of October blocked out to work at the new Comix Cafe room in Syracuse.  Only problem was that the room isn't there.  I said "no" to other solid work, because I was specially requested to make myself available.  I made myself available, and wound up sitting on my ass last week.

This week, I actually had work fall from the sky in the form of a new room being run by the former manager of the Lake Ontario Playhouse in Geneva, New York, only to receive a call today that the club isn't opening until January because the hotel that it's in isn't ready to open.  I also got victimized next week by Comedy Zone in the form of a double-booking of the headliner, which meant that the double-booked guy had the option to drop down to feature, which left me out in the cold with my fingerless gloves, singing over a burning trash can and hoping to pick up a token so I could unload ships in the morning.

Well, when a dog's hungry, it's up to his friends to throw him a bone, and my buddies definitely ponied up.  Mike Glosek over at the Cafe' threw me a gig tonight, a private party entertaining a businessman's bachelors club (a little less fun than it sounds) where I basically would do a joke and then listen to 30 guys yell epithets at each other.  The biggest laugh I got was when I told the oldest guy in the room that I was going to rub my balls on his head, but that I had hairy balls and I didn't want the hairs to be lonely (he was balding) and I think he called me a cunt.  They definitely wanted the abuse, but I wasn't completely into that.  I did my time, grabbed the check and scrammed.

I headed immediately to the Comedy Company open mic at Slammer's Bar and Grill, hosted by Danny Liberto, and I signed up on the big list.  When I arrived at the bar, the total number of comics in the room doubled.  By the end of the show, there were five of us total, including longtime comedy pal Tim Thomas, Joe Cumbo, Danny Brown, a new kid from Buffalo, and a guy I met at the Comix Cafe last night (open mic canceled due to no crowd showing up).  There was a $50 cash prize, which I won, and I think that it was no coincidence that Danny was familiar with my tale of woe, because to be honest, he could have thrown the prize to any one of us as the responses were all very similar...it's hard to rock a room that is straining to maintain double-digit attendance at any given time when people are getting up two-by-two to go outside and smoke.  Anyway, Danny is a righteous guy and alright by me.  We traded war stories before the show and I appreciated the opportunity to pick up the money, which may be the difference between me making it to my next gig or not.

So I played in front of white-collar and blue-collar in the same night, and wound up making the best money of the week.  I scored an mc spot at the Cafe on Thursday and Sunday due to a scheduling change (a guy went over his time, stole material from numerous sources and got booted), so there's another 60 bucks into the coffers to play with.  Next week, I'm in the same predicament, and I had to ask my good friend Ray Salah to do me the favor and step aside from an mc week that I scheduled him for so I could make the money.  He obliged, knowing full well that I have a wife and child who depend on me, but it was an ugly feeling all around.  I don't like being canceled, and I don't like doing it to others, especially friends.  It's good to have them, though, because they help you get through the hard times.

I guess this is what they would call a "starving artist" period, which is funny, because I have work the rest of the year, it's just these three weeks off in a row that are kicking my ass, and also despite the Comedy Zone canceling me next week, the owner of the agency called me, gave me three days as an add-on toa week in December, and then his partner called me the next day and gave me 15 weeks of work for 2007.  Also, I'm still waiting on a check for a gig that I performed two weeks ago, and it still hasn't come.  I called the agency, and didn't get a live person, so it could be in the mail, or hasn't been sent yet, or I can go pound rock salt.  I have no idea!  It's either feast or famine, and I really wish things would even out and become somewhat manageable or predictable, but uncertainty is the name of the game.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Meat Sandwich

Meat Sandwich                          5778  (1838)

Wednesday, October 4, 2006-10:00 P.M.

It's another rainy night in Rochester, but so nice to be home.  I rolled in at around 2:30 Monday morning, after 18 1/2 hours in the car.

Friday's show in St. Cloud, Minnesota, was absolutely excellent.  The room was full, and except for a table up front that was having table conversations that were disturbing people around them, everything went fine.  There was a guest spot kid who went up before me, and they let him do 15 minutes....only problem was he never did comedy before, so all of his material was absolutely untested.  He got nothing out of the crowd, and I felt bad for him, because he was a nice guy, brought people with him, and resisted all of my attempts to tell him not to do standup....that's real committment.

Saturday was a different animal...same table, different trouble table.  This one was four divorcees in their 40's, who felt they had to tag every joke with a comment, funny or not.  One woman got mad and threw a piece of pizza at me.  She was being a total crotch.  The headliner, Dave Nickerson, gave them hell and then finally asked them if they shouldn't leave.  "If you're not having a good time, why are you staying?  You're wrecking the show for everyone in here!"  It was ugly and unnecessary, and the room wasn't that full to begin with.  It was kind of a punk way to end the tour, but you don't get to call your shots, you take them as they come.

Sunday morning got off to a bad start...I wound up driving around like a hummingbird trying to find route 94 that would send me east.  When I finally found it, even though I kept crossing bridges that took me over the expressway, I couldn't find the on-ramp, and that's because the on-ramp was fed from an access road, and you had to drive almost a mile perpendicular to the highway to get to it, and then drive back.  It was plenty weird.

The next thing I had to deal with was the rising sun shining right into my eyes.  I wear prescription glasses, and can never find clip-on sunglasses, so I was pretty blind until noon.  I was sweating it out as I headed toward Chicago because I knew they were playing at home and didn't want to get harried by stadium traffic, but come to find out they weren't playing until late, and I wasn't going anywhere near the stadium.  Thank God for small favors.

Speaking of acts of God, as I came out of Madison, Wisconsin and south through the towns of Janesville and Beloit, I stopped for gas, only to notice that the I-94 was backing up something terrible.  I was happy not to be caught in that traffic, and the clerk at the gas station let me know that they were repairing a bridge on 94 that cut the traffic down to one lane, and that I needed to take a detour (not a posted detour, by the way) and it still took me 45 minutes to an hour, but at least I kept moving.

I survived the long drive due to a couple of tapes I picked up at a truckstop...Jimmy Buffet Live, and George Carlin Live.  The Carlin tape was actually the show he was doing while I toured with him as an assistant to the Road Manager back in 1995-1997.  It was neat to hear how the material evolved from this early taping, to what it eventually became.  Also, I didn't realize what a parrothead I had the capacity to become...I played that tape over 'n' over again, I must have every little bit of "between song patter" memorized.  I must remember next time to pack some music a little more thoroughly than I did on this tour (which means I didn't bring any).

When I drive, I usually pass a whole lot of cars and trucks, it's just the way I do it.  I was pretty cautious though, what with it being the beginning of the month (quotas for speeding tickets) and I wasn't interested in buying some little town's new stop sign.  I passed a couple of livestock trucks transporting pigs, and I could see their little snouts and tails sticking out of the vents in the side of the truck.  I went quickly from being entertained at their little piggy antics to being consumed by horror as I saw what I assume to be their final destination...a Hormel meat packing plant.  I didn't see the plant right away, but there were signs for the Spam museum, and I was interested to see what that looked like...when I looked off the exit, there was the plant, and my heart got a little heavy.

Now, I know where meat comes from, I'm not delusional.  And I'm a meat-eater, even though my wife is a moral vegetarian.  But I'm not going to lie to you and tell you that seeing a couple of trucks of animals that were surely being taken to slaughter didn't affect me in a bad way.  I was choked up and unhappy for several miles.  I think that the physical process of driving for such a long time (and with little sleep, I might add) takes it's toll on me and my ability to control my emotions.  I get all weepy over nothing after I've been in the car for 9 hours or more, and it's getting worse in my old age.

Now, just to prove to you that I'm not a big crybaby sissy, I'll tell you another story.  Later that evening, I was on line at Burger King at an Ohio rest stop (yeah, I got the Whopper combo).  I was third in line at the only register open, manned by a largely uninterested young man who's demeanor and speech made me think "community theater" right away.

So I'm in line, and what looks like an army of Gypsies, or Eastern Europeans of some designation, come descending on the rest stop, and suddenly, there's 20 people or more in line.  A young man, looking all of maybe 10 years old, but visibly brandishing his own money, asks the old man in front of me if he can get behind him.  The old man shrugs, and the kid takes his place in line IN FRONT OF ME.

Now, that's not the way cuts work.  I'm not saying that Gypsies or Romanians or whatever these people were don't play by the rules, but clearly, this young man never got the rules.  So the old man steps up, places his order, and he needs some change, so he asks the kid for it.  Well, they're together, I guess, it's his grandfather or somebody from on the same bus.  And that's what Community Theater thought, too, because after the old man paid, he looked at me and said "Can I take your order?"

Now, I'm plenty road weary at this point, been in the car for about 12 hours and still have around six to go.  I put my order in, and then the kid chastises me and says, "Hey, I was next!"

Now, in my head, I'm thinking "What brass balls!  You little fuck, how dare you!"  But I'm not going to say anything, because he's a child, an infant.  Besides, my order's in, I've paid, what the hell is he gonna do?

"Sorry, my friend, I thought you two were together, I didn't mean to cut in front of you" and I say it good 'n' specific so he gets my meaning.  Now, I'm not proud or anything, but the kid backs off and says "O.K., as long as you didn't do it on purpose."  And I'm thinking, this is a kid who's either going to become an attorney or a politician, he doesn't give a crap what anyone thinks,he's gonna barge into a situation and take what he wants and piss on anyone who doesn't like it.  And that's if he doesn't go back to the old country on vacation and step on a landmine and get his skin blown off.

And I think that's sad.  But at least I got him before he could get me.  I never enjoyed a Whopper sandwich so much in my life.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY