Whatever

Whatever                              5979  (2039)

Thursday, November 2, 2006-1:10 A.M.

Well, I'm in Iowa.  Calling home and saying that I'm in Iowa is just a little less embarassing than calling home and saying I'm in prison.  And at the very least, no one has ever had to be bailed out of Iowa.  Except Howard Dean....boy, that was a mess.

Saturday night, I did my first ever three-show evening.  I had to look it up in my past road books, and apparently, it's never happened before.  I feel like a rookie, and I'm fast approaching 19 years of doing standup comedy.  And boy, doesn't that feel weird.

The shows were good, if not very well-attended....we probably could have gotten away with two shows, but the money was better, so I wasn't complaining.  I got back to the room and didn't realize how tired I actually was, I was out like a light.  I got some good rest, which was appropriate, because I had a big couple of days "off," and needed to prepare for them.

I had scheduled an audition on Monday for the NBC TV show "America's Got Talent."  I found out about the audition in Chicago through my friends at the Comedy Zone, who forwarded the press release to all of the comics on their roster.  I decided that because I was in Milwaukee, and staying at the club's comedy condo (a two-bedroom apartment where they store the comedians while we're in town), I might make good use of one of my days off by going down and throwing my hat into the ring.

On Sunday, I paid my cellular bill (had to drive all over Milwaukee to find a Cingular Wireless store that accepted cash payments) and just around the corner, as good luck would have, there was a public library branch that was open on Sunday!  I went in, used the internet to print out directions to the Chicago Navy Pier, which was much farther than I would have budgeted time for.  It was definitely a lucky happenstance that I wasn't able to pay my bill on Saturday, because I most likely would not have tried to print directions to Chicago, figuring it to be a "straight shot" and trusting myself to get there on my own instincts.

I was going to sit in the apartment on Sunday and go over my act with a fine-toothed comb, as I had to prepare two 90-second sets to perform for the casting people.  I decided I was better off not to dwell on it, and went to go see the new Robin Williams movie.  I highly recommend it, if you're interested in taking a nap in a movie theater.  The film has a great premise, but it does less-than-nimble handsprings around itself, trying to become something, and merely tangling up the cord of the kitchen telephone.  I got home in the early evening, less than inspired, and popped one of my DVD's into the player to see if there were any jokes that I'm not doing anymore that I should be doing.  I wound up writing down a dozen or so that I thought were good and appropriate, leaving out anything racial, sexual or controversial.  Also, anything having to do with pooping or gas also was deleted.  For some reason, they love that material in the club, but get the same people home in front of the TV, and all of a sudden they're picky.

I got up good 'n' early, shaved, showered, dressed, and headed to Chicago.  I got there relatively on time despite the heavy traffic, and instead of arriving an hour before my 1:30 audition, I got there 40 minutes early.  A stop to the bathroom ate up 20 minutes, and I cursed McDonald's and their dollar menu.  I had 20 minutes to go, and the information desk informed me that the auditions were at the other end of the Navy Pier, which is a big tourist trap (on an actual pier) with a food court, gift shops, a stained glass museum, and large banquet halls.  I beat feat for the end of the pier, as fast as my dress-shoe shod feet would allow, and got there with exactly two minutes to spare.  Come to find out, they had me down for 1:45, but it didn't matter, because nobody saw me until 2:30 anyway.

The audition went pretty well, as well as could be expected, doing a minute and a half of comedy in front of five people sitting at a table with no alcohol in front of them, and knowing that they sat through a whole day of auditions yesterday, and were going into the second half of a busy day when I arrived.  They were friendly, but didn't inspire any real hope in me....the actual selection process doesn't begin until they go to Los Angeles and one other city, New Orleans, I think, and then they alert the folks they're interested in by phone.  My phone might never ring, but if I stayed in the apartment in Milwaukee, it definitely never would have rung.

The guy that went in before me was a variety act, and I have to comment on this.  He was a tall, like Tim Robbins tall, guy, wearing a suit.  When he came out, some fifteen minutes later, he was naked except for his shoes and socks, and a pair of pink and white striped boxer shorts.  He also had a huge afro wig that was pulled down so far it obscured his vision, and he had his clothes in his arms, and was asking where the bathroom was.  I pointed him to the men's room across the way, and he went ass over teakettle into an easel with a sign with all the NBC audition rules.  I figured that this guy is definitely getting on to the program, but for all the wrong reasons.  They're gonna make fun of him, and he's got no shot at the cash prize, which I did not know was a million dollars until my wife looked it up online.  I hung out with a pair of magicians, Dean and Denise, and we chatted to make the time go faster.  They went in just before I did, and came out pretty quick.  While they were in there, an older guy with a bullwhip and his wife came up, the next act after me to try out.  They had roses, which I presume they would be using the bullwhip to whip out of each other's teeth, and I thought that no matter how clever I think I am, if I'm putting someone on TV, it's the old guy with the whip.

The drive home to Milwaukee from Chicago was a monster, and the next day, Halloween, it was off to Lacrosse, Wisconsin.  Now, having comedy on the same night as Halloween may seem like a great marketing plan, but it really isn't.  There were seven people at our show, and while they were great and fun to work in front of, it felt like the audition in Chicago the day before.  If it wasn't for the money, there'd be no reason for me to even have been there, having played Lacrosse just a month and a half before (at a different room for a different booker).  Today was Dubuque, Iowa, at the 3100 club, which is a pale replacement for the old Brass Ring lounge that used to put 300 people in the club each night.  Our crowd tonight was about 50, and not bad until folks decided that they could chime in with their two cents like it was a town meeting.  Again, if it wasn't for the money, I wouldn't even come.

The rest of the week, it's Madison, Wisconsin, one of the smartest (and most liberal) towns in the United States, and the lodging is at the five-star Concourse Hotel, which just happens to be walking distance from the State Street Comedy Club.  This is one of the clubs that I look forward all year to playing, I always do well and have a really good time.  Hopefully, tomorrow I'll find a comic book shop (I know they have one, just don't remember how to get there) and have some gyros at this Greek place down college row.  State Street, where the club is located, follows all the way to the University of Wisconsin at Madison (Go Badgers) and features a long string of shops that are very eclectic and interesting.  There's also the obligatory Starbucks and chain-style fast food (Taco Bell, Burger King) and a great pizza place that stays open quite late.

It's been a fun and interesting tour this last couple of weeks, but I'm reaching saturation and can't wait to get home again.  I don't know how the "big name" guys do it, touring for months on end; actually, I do know, it's called drugs and alcohol and meaningless groupie sex.  I guess I really need to make sure that I'm home at least once a week, my body can't handle any of those three things.  I turn 40 years old on the 15th, and it's a milestone that I'm not going to be able to ignore, at least because the people around me probably won't let me.  But inside, I definitely know what's going on....I've looked forward to 40 as the perfect synergy between wisdom and physical stamina, figuring that as I've collected knowledge, I would still have (at this point) the energy to use that knowledge.  There are some days I'm not so sure, but as my health gets better and I continue to do the important things, watching my diet, excercising and monitoring my blood sugar, I'm sure my outlook will change.

OK, that's it.  I'll check in again before the end of the week, I'm sure, and if I don't, make sure you vote this Tuesday.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY