I'm not dead. Not yet, anyway.
According to my primary blog home at http://ralphtettascomedyroadtrip.blogspot.com/, I haven't written since August 3rd of this year. That's o.k. with me, I guess, because I've been busy, and not much has prompted me to want to share. Even now, I'm only writing out of guilt and that I feel I owe it to myself to put something down in print, just to get it out of my head.
I'm not a healthy person. And by that, I mean physically healthy. Where I'm at mentally and spiritually is a good place, I think. I've picked up some solid coping skills and I like who I am much more than the person I was ten years ago. I'm not a hot-head, I don't scare as easily, and I try to consider the other person's situation before I judge them too harshly. In my opinion, I'm doing pretty good for myself from a mental health standpoint.
Physically, I need some work.
I could list off the maladies, and all the usual suspects would be there, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea; but the worst one is diabetes. I'm a type-II candidate, which means "adult onset." My pancreas doesn't make enough insulin to keep my blood sugar at a manageable level. I take oral medication in lieu of insulin injections, and that's fine with me; they work like a charm.
Unfortunately, diabetes has led to a loss of kidney function. I'd been seeing a nephrologist and we saw my kidney values decreasing as time went on, but this last Friday I went in and we discovered that I have some blood in my urine. I'm no doctor, but even I knew that wasn't good. A week or so ago I was on the road, and noticed my urine had gotten very dark, like the color of A-1 steak sauce, and then lightened up. I was out of blood pressure medicine and was waiting to get back home to get my prescription filled, so that may have had something to do with it, but my nephrologist ordered a CAT scan for me for this week, just to make sure I didn't have a blockage or anything.
The only thing we're waiting for right now is for insurance to give the o.k. for the CAT scan. An insurance company has gotten between me and my doctor. Not the government; an insurance company.
I don't know how you feel about health care reform, but I've pretty much made up my mind.
I'll keep you posted as my condition is diagnosed and treated.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Monday, October 26, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
Eat It ("Weird Al" Yankovic)
Life is what happens when you're making other plans.
When last I wrote, other than bitching about Blue Oyster Cult (NO caffeine before bed! NO caffeine before bed! NO caffeine before bed!), I was updating everyone on the goings-on in the life of me, Ralph Tetta, Mr. Big-Shot Comedian.
Our family picnic came off *almost* as planned, with mom driving up from Florida with her friend Robert. Only problem was that when she got here, she had a heart attack. It was a minor one, but a heart attack just the same, and she missed the picnic and spent the week at Rochester General Hospital. After five bypass surgeries, she's resting and recuperating at an assisted living facility, and she'll be heading back to Florida in a week or so. The bum deal is that she also missed the Donroe family reunion, as her father (my grandfather) was one of eight children, so we have dozens of cousins that we'd never met before.
My brother Christopher and his family made the trip in from Syracuse to attend the picnic, and then got to go see mom in the hospital, so she had no shortage of visitors. Pamela sent me an e-mail after the fact about the statistics regarding the picnic, which made me laugh a little bit because I have a live album from a British band called Saxon and in the liner notes, they go through their live tour that the album was recorded on and talk about how many guitar strings they went through, how many tea bags (because they're British, y'see) and it smacked of that. For the record, we had 39 guests, went through almost a whole case of burgers (40), a case of hot dogs (32), two pounds of Italian sausage (thanks Tim!), five 2-litre bottles of soda, 2 gallons of iced tea, various chips, dips, and dishes-to-pass including a veggie tray, bean salad, fruit salad, excellent chili, mac salad, potato and broccoli salad, two kinds of cake (none left over of either....go figure) and after it was all over, we donated 2 cases of leftover, unopened hot dogs and the associated hot dog rolls to the Open Door Mission....we bought too much, but Pam had coupons.
Sunday night was my third of three shows at D'Youville College in Buffalo, and Ray drove along with me. On the way, we stopped off at Chef Mike Kolady's house to drop off my sound system for a performance at his 45th birthday party (Happy Birthday Mike!) by Rochester comics Joe Fico and Pat Duffy. I would have liked to have performed, but was already committed to the college show. We dropped off the sound system, and while I was getting things ready, checking levels and all that, Ray was getting himself some of Chef's fine barbecue, and fine it was. Ray got a big "to-go" plate of ribs, chicken, various salads, and we snagged two Diet Pepsi's with lime for the trip. I didn't eat, because I know I would have been wearing barbecue sauce by the time I got to Buffalo. I had to wrestle with the mic stand because the clip lost it's screw, and we jury-rigged a replacement by putting a bent roofing nail through it. Not the prettiest repair job in the world, but it worked.
The gig was a good one, an orientation show for new students, and even though it was the smallest of the three groups, it was the most lively and the kids really got into it and enjoyed themselves, which is the essence of the live game show. If the kids don't want to play, there's nothing I can do to make the show a success other than throw money into the crowd.
After the show, I delivered some flowers and cannolis to some of Pamela's friends who had been in a car accident earlier in the month, and it was very late, between midnight and 1 AM, and after getting the "get well" presents at a Wegman's that was open all night, we rolled the van down Pamela's friends' street, looking for the right house number in the pitch black. Finally, I got fed up at my night-blindness and hung the plastic shopping bag on the door of the house I thought was the correct one, figuring that if it wasn't correct, they would enjoy the flowers and cannolis anyway (it turned out to be the right one).
Ray and I got back into town by 2 A.M., and had to make our way back to Mike's to pick up my sound system. The gear was out in Mike's shed, and his back yard was pitch black. Mike was still up, and shooting pool with some friends, and while I was fumbling my way around in the dark trying to find the gear, Mike was helping Ray light a tiki torch so that we'd have some light. I somehow found the mic stand by waving my arm around in front of me, and then moved up the stand to find the mic, and then followed the cord down to the amplifier. Once I got the cord wound properly, it was a piece of cake to find the bag that the mic and cords went in, and start my way back up Mike's steeply graded back yard. While all this was going on, Ray was getting the tiki torch and then moving towards me, forgetting that the yard had a very steep slope. He slid down the wet grass, landed in the ashes of what had been a fire pit earlier in the evening, and the tiki torch went out. All I saw from my vantage point was the light of the tiki bobbing as Ray walked, and then flashing quickly to the ground before being extinguished, followed by Ray's cursing and spitting. As I had gotten back too late to enjoy any of the barbecue, we then made our way to Jay's Diner for some late night food, and I ate my cheeseburger plate with a tired satisfaction. At least I didn't have jury duty the next day.
Yeah, that's right, I pulled jury duty as I seem to do every three years, and had put my service off until July. They originally were asking for my service in May, but my contractually-obligated college tour wouldn't allow it. My number was ridiculously high (945), and I checked the website dutifully each evening to see if I was required to attend, but the numbers never got higher than the 500's. I had scheduled a show on the Friday, figuring that I wouldn't be called, and by Thursday night, I had been released from my jury duty obligations. I guess the trick was getting the duty postponed, because they put me at the end of the new list, which is the same as not being called at all. I think I may have found a loophole in the system for use at a later date; not that I don't want to do my civic duty and serve on a jury, but I have a job that requires me to travel and more than that, be able to schedule months out in advance. If I'm on a jury that goes three weeks, there's no way I could predict something like that without an awful lot of notice.
So on Friday morning, Ray piled into the car with me and off we headed to the Wit's End club located in the Ramada Inn and Conference Center in Morgantown, West Virginia. We had an easy drive down, fueled by Sheetz Made-To-Order sandwiches, satellite radio, and conversation courtesy of over 20 years of friendship. I can't remember when I laughed so much. We got into Morgantown, checked into the room, and then headed back out so that I could get a haircut....I was due. After a nap, I shaved and showered and we headed down to the club and I introduced Ray to Larry Nelson, the host of the long-running comedy night. I couldn't coerce Ray into doing a guest spot, but Larry did, and Ray did great. My feature act, Washington D.C.'s Clay Miles, did a great job of revving the 40 or so people up for my act, and I went balls-out and did my thing. The weirdest point of the night was when a West Virginia state trooper appeared in the doorway of the lounge, suddenly silencing the crowd, which consisted of 36 white redneck bikers, and four black people. And don't forget the loud-mouthed guinea on the stage! Come to find out, he was looking for a gentleman (and I use the term loosely) who had battered his female companion after an evening of imbibing in the hotel bar, then trashed his first-floor hotel room and snuck out a side door.
The next morning, I grabbed breakfast down in the restaurant (best hot complimentary breakfast buffet in the business!) and trotted over to Wal-Mart to fetch watermelons and ice. We were planning on attending the Natarelli's (Steve and Eileen) Redneck Luau on Saturday night, and Pam committed me to bringing vodka-infused watermelon. I told her about the technique, but I never tried it before and she thought it sounded like great fun. It isn't great fun, by the way. It's a lot more fun to eat than it is to create. I had brought a big cooler with me in my trunk, and purchased a knife at the Dollar Store and vanilla-flavored vodka at a liquor store on Friday. I dumped 20 lbs of ice and two seedless watermelons into the big cooler, cut a hole in one of the melons, and turned the bottle of vodka upside-down and shoved it into the hole. Long story short, it works, but you have to keep turning the bottle so the vodka can work it's way into the melon. I kept the other melon clean, for the kids and anyone else who just wanted melon but no booze.
We drove back to Rochester, and coming through Buffalo in the home stretch, the skies grew dark and it started to hail and rain. It was real wrath-of-God stuff, and large men with big pickup trucks were pulling their vehicles over underneath bridges to escape the weather. Meanwhile, I'm slooshing along in the water and ice in my Toyota Camry, a Japanese roller-skate careening down the I-90. I got home, dropped Ray off at home, changed clothes, picked up Pam and Harmony, and off we headed to the Natarelli's. It was a fine day, and unfortunately we missed some of the earlier festivities, but the food was good, the watermelon went over pretty well, and we got to see a water-spout courtesy of the lakeside view of Steve's back porch. Another part of our indoor fun included watching the weather report on TV to decide if my house was still standing.
The next week was a whole bunch of nothing, and it was planned that way months ago, deciding to take some family time and enjoy my family and some nice outdoor activities. Well, up here in Rochester, it's been constant piss-rain all summer, so none of that was happening. Thursday night, I made my way out to Chet Wild's Open-Mic-A-Palooza, a showcase at the Comedy Club that wound up featuring 30 comedians. You heard me right....the show went three and half hours. I went on at the end, after spending some time around the corner with my mom, showing her pictures on the internet of the family reunion we both missed. I don't know how the remaining folks stuck around for the last comic (me) after over three hours of show, but they did.
Friday, I had a gig out at the Cedar House in Skaneateles, NY, with special guests Ray Salah and Travis Worth. After picking up some replacement parts for my sound system (that sometimes seems to get more work than I do), we headed out. I replaced the roofing-nail clip with a new one courtesy of the Guitar Outlet (four bucks, not bad) and purchased a new, longer cord for the mic. Come to find out, the cord was incompatible, but I had back-ups, so it didn't kill the show. What *did* kill the show was the first sunny day in Upstate New York this year, and we drew far fewer folks than we did the last time I was there. The show was fun, and I sold some CD's after the show. We would have stuck around, but there was literally no one in the place, not even bowling, so we headed back to Rochester, stopping off at a Buffalo Wild Wings for some food because I hadn't eaten all day. Just a word of caution....the mango habanero wings are HOT, and they mean it. Get the double bleu cheese if you know what's good for you, or skip the middle man entirely and just drink the liquid out of your car battery.
Saturday was a day of rest and recuperation, and then last night, I performed with Rochester's Dan Viola at a private party fundraiser for the Webster (high school) Warriors football team. I seemed to have remembered the words "clean show" being uttered when I was booked months ago, and I double-checked that with Joe at the club, and he said (quote) "Nah, you can do what you want. I came here on purpose to see Dark Ralph."
Now, Dark Ralph is my doppelganger, my other persona. Sometimes, I get tired of being Mr. Jolly Pants, and I let my inhibitions go and I wind up saying some pretty outrageous stuff. And I'm proud to say that I let Dark Ralph off the leash last night, but not so much that he bit anyone, just so that he could eat a little bit. I used some coarse language, and some overt topicality, but wasn't even as raw as I usually am. I was definitely not *clean*.
I did an hour after Danny's set, and the crowd seemed to have really enjoyed themselves, and I worked material in with some crowd work, and after the show, I got a really solid ovation, and made my way back to the sound booth. Mark, the house manager, shook my hand and said "You know, this was supposed to be a clean show, right?" and all the color drained out of my face. I guess they stopped counting f-bombs at around 85, which may have been exaggerated for comic effect, but is probably in the right neighborhood. I definitely left at least a dozen in a plastic bag on somebody's front door handle.
The folks shook my hand afterward, including the lady who was paying the club the money, and I apologized because I didn't know the parameters, and she said that it was fine and that the group really liked me. I wouldn't have had a problem working clean, I do it all the time, but I was working off of faulty intelligence. Still, the client had no problem, so I went home with my head held high, if not a little red in the cheeks.
This week, I start my August session of comedy classes at the Comedy Club, and I'm looking forward to a new batch of students along with some of the folks from the June session looking to brush up their skills. The game show tour starts up again on August 16th in Huntsville, Alabama, so I'll have plenty to do along with my teaching schedule.
The opposite of burn out is rust out. I've done 'em both, and given my choice, I'll take the burn.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
When last I wrote, other than bitching about Blue Oyster Cult (NO caffeine before bed! NO caffeine before bed! NO caffeine before bed!), I was updating everyone on the goings-on in the life of me, Ralph Tetta, Mr. Big-Shot Comedian.
Our family picnic came off *almost* as planned, with mom driving up from Florida with her friend Robert. Only problem was that when she got here, she had a heart attack. It was a minor one, but a heart attack just the same, and she missed the picnic and spent the week at Rochester General Hospital. After five bypass surgeries, she's resting and recuperating at an assisted living facility, and she'll be heading back to Florida in a week or so. The bum deal is that she also missed the Donroe family reunion, as her father (my grandfather) was one of eight children, so we have dozens of cousins that we'd never met before.
My brother Christopher and his family made the trip in from Syracuse to attend the picnic, and then got to go see mom in the hospital, so she had no shortage of visitors. Pamela sent me an e-mail after the fact about the statistics regarding the picnic, which made me laugh a little bit because I have a live album from a British band called Saxon and in the liner notes, they go through their live tour that the album was recorded on and talk about how many guitar strings they went through, how many tea bags (because they're British, y'see) and it smacked of that. For the record, we had 39 guests, went through almost a whole case of burgers (40), a case of hot dogs (32), two pounds of Italian sausage (thanks Tim!), five 2-litre bottles of soda, 2 gallons of iced tea, various chips, dips, and dishes-to-pass including a veggie tray, bean salad, fruit salad, excellent chili, mac salad, potato and broccoli salad, two kinds of cake (none left over of either....go figure) and after it was all over, we donated 2 cases of leftover, unopened hot dogs and the associated hot dog rolls to the Open Door Mission....we bought too much, but Pam had coupons.
Sunday night was my third of three shows at D'Youville College in Buffalo, and Ray drove along with me. On the way, we stopped off at Chef Mike Kolady's house to drop off my sound system for a performance at his 45th birthday party (Happy Birthday Mike!) by Rochester comics Joe Fico and Pat Duffy. I would have liked to have performed, but was already committed to the college show. We dropped off the sound system, and while I was getting things ready, checking levels and all that, Ray was getting himself some of Chef's fine barbecue, and fine it was. Ray got a big "to-go" plate of ribs, chicken, various salads, and we snagged two Diet Pepsi's with lime for the trip. I didn't eat, because I know I would have been wearing barbecue sauce by the time I got to Buffalo. I had to wrestle with the mic stand because the clip lost it's screw, and we jury-rigged a replacement by putting a bent roofing nail through it. Not the prettiest repair job in the world, but it worked.
The gig was a good one, an orientation show for new students, and even though it was the smallest of the three groups, it was the most lively and the kids really got into it and enjoyed themselves, which is the essence of the live game show. If the kids don't want to play, there's nothing I can do to make the show a success other than throw money into the crowd.
After the show, I delivered some flowers and cannolis to some of Pamela's friends who had been in a car accident earlier in the month, and it was very late, between midnight and 1 AM, and after getting the "get well" presents at a Wegman's that was open all night, we rolled the van down Pamela's friends' street, looking for the right house number in the pitch black. Finally, I got fed up at my night-blindness and hung the plastic shopping bag on the door of the house I thought was the correct one, figuring that if it wasn't correct, they would enjoy the flowers and cannolis anyway (it turned out to be the right one).
Ray and I got back into town by 2 A.M., and had to make our way back to Mike's to pick up my sound system. The gear was out in Mike's shed, and his back yard was pitch black. Mike was still up, and shooting pool with some friends, and while I was fumbling my way around in the dark trying to find the gear, Mike was helping Ray light a tiki torch so that we'd have some light. I somehow found the mic stand by waving my arm around in front of me, and then moved up the stand to find the mic, and then followed the cord down to the amplifier. Once I got the cord wound properly, it was a piece of cake to find the bag that the mic and cords went in, and start my way back up Mike's steeply graded back yard. While all this was going on, Ray was getting the tiki torch and then moving towards me, forgetting that the yard had a very steep slope. He slid down the wet grass, landed in the ashes of what had been a fire pit earlier in the evening, and the tiki torch went out. All I saw from my vantage point was the light of the tiki bobbing as Ray walked, and then flashing quickly to the ground before being extinguished, followed by Ray's cursing and spitting. As I had gotten back too late to enjoy any of the barbecue, we then made our way to Jay's Diner for some late night food, and I ate my cheeseburger plate with a tired satisfaction. At least I didn't have jury duty the next day.
Yeah, that's right, I pulled jury duty as I seem to do every three years, and had put my service off until July. They originally were asking for my service in May, but my contractually-obligated college tour wouldn't allow it. My number was ridiculously high (945), and I checked the website dutifully each evening to see if I was required to attend, but the numbers never got higher than the 500's. I had scheduled a show on the Friday, figuring that I wouldn't be called, and by Thursday night, I had been released from my jury duty obligations. I guess the trick was getting the duty postponed, because they put me at the end of the new list, which is the same as not being called at all. I think I may have found a loophole in the system for use at a later date; not that I don't want to do my civic duty and serve on a jury, but I have a job that requires me to travel and more than that, be able to schedule months out in advance. If I'm on a jury that goes three weeks, there's no way I could predict something like that without an awful lot of notice.
So on Friday morning, Ray piled into the car with me and off we headed to the Wit's End club located in the Ramada Inn and Conference Center in Morgantown, West Virginia. We had an easy drive down, fueled by Sheetz Made-To-Order sandwiches, satellite radio, and conversation courtesy of over 20 years of friendship. I can't remember when I laughed so much. We got into Morgantown, checked into the room, and then headed back out so that I could get a haircut....I was due. After a nap, I shaved and showered and we headed down to the club and I introduced Ray to Larry Nelson, the host of the long-running comedy night. I couldn't coerce Ray into doing a guest spot, but Larry did, and Ray did great. My feature act, Washington D.C.'s Clay Miles, did a great job of revving the 40 or so people up for my act, and I went balls-out and did my thing. The weirdest point of the night was when a West Virginia state trooper appeared in the doorway of the lounge, suddenly silencing the crowd, which consisted of 36 white redneck bikers, and four black people. And don't forget the loud-mouthed guinea on the stage! Come to find out, he was looking for a gentleman (and I use the term loosely) who had battered his female companion after an evening of imbibing in the hotel bar, then trashed his first-floor hotel room and snuck out a side door.
The next morning, I grabbed breakfast down in the restaurant (best hot complimentary breakfast buffet in the business!) and trotted over to Wal-Mart to fetch watermelons and ice. We were planning on attending the Natarelli's (Steve and Eileen) Redneck Luau on Saturday night, and Pam committed me to bringing vodka-infused watermelon. I told her about the technique, but I never tried it before and she thought it sounded like great fun. It isn't great fun, by the way. It's a lot more fun to eat than it is to create. I had brought a big cooler with me in my trunk, and purchased a knife at the Dollar Store and vanilla-flavored vodka at a liquor store on Friday. I dumped 20 lbs of ice and two seedless watermelons into the big cooler, cut a hole in one of the melons, and turned the bottle of vodka upside-down and shoved it into the hole. Long story short, it works, but you have to keep turning the bottle so the vodka can work it's way into the melon. I kept the other melon clean, for the kids and anyone else who just wanted melon but no booze.
We drove back to Rochester, and coming through Buffalo in the home stretch, the skies grew dark and it started to hail and rain. It was real wrath-of-God stuff, and large men with big pickup trucks were pulling their vehicles over underneath bridges to escape the weather. Meanwhile, I'm slooshing along in the water and ice in my Toyota Camry, a Japanese roller-skate careening down the I-90. I got home, dropped Ray off at home, changed clothes, picked up Pam and Harmony, and off we headed to the Natarelli's. It was a fine day, and unfortunately we missed some of the earlier festivities, but the food was good, the watermelon went over pretty well, and we got to see a water-spout courtesy of the lakeside view of Steve's back porch. Another part of our indoor fun included watching the weather report on TV to decide if my house was still standing.
The next week was a whole bunch of nothing, and it was planned that way months ago, deciding to take some family time and enjoy my family and some nice outdoor activities. Well, up here in Rochester, it's been constant piss-rain all summer, so none of that was happening. Thursday night, I made my way out to Chet Wild's Open-Mic-A-Palooza, a showcase at the Comedy Club that wound up featuring 30 comedians. You heard me right....the show went three and half hours. I went on at the end, after spending some time around the corner with my mom, showing her pictures on the internet of the family reunion we both missed. I don't know how the remaining folks stuck around for the last comic (me) after over three hours of show, but they did.
Friday, I had a gig out at the Cedar House in Skaneateles, NY, with special guests Ray Salah and Travis Worth. After picking up some replacement parts for my sound system (that sometimes seems to get more work than I do), we headed out. I replaced the roofing-nail clip with a new one courtesy of the Guitar Outlet (four bucks, not bad) and purchased a new, longer cord for the mic. Come to find out, the cord was incompatible, but I had back-ups, so it didn't kill the show. What *did* kill the show was the first sunny day in Upstate New York this year, and we drew far fewer folks than we did the last time I was there. The show was fun, and I sold some CD's after the show. We would have stuck around, but there was literally no one in the place, not even bowling, so we headed back to Rochester, stopping off at a Buffalo Wild Wings for some food because I hadn't eaten all day. Just a word of caution....the mango habanero wings are HOT, and they mean it. Get the double bleu cheese if you know what's good for you, or skip the middle man entirely and just drink the liquid out of your car battery.
Saturday was a day of rest and recuperation, and then last night, I performed with Rochester's Dan Viola at a private party fundraiser for the Webster (high school) Warriors football team. I seemed to have remembered the words "clean show" being uttered when I was booked months ago, and I double-checked that with Joe at the club, and he said (quote) "Nah, you can do what you want. I came here on purpose to see Dark Ralph."
Now, Dark Ralph is my doppelganger, my other persona. Sometimes, I get tired of being Mr. Jolly Pants, and I let my inhibitions go and I wind up saying some pretty outrageous stuff. And I'm proud to say that I let Dark Ralph off the leash last night, but not so much that he bit anyone, just so that he could eat a little bit. I used some coarse language, and some overt topicality, but wasn't even as raw as I usually am. I was definitely not *clean*.
I did an hour after Danny's set, and the crowd seemed to have really enjoyed themselves, and I worked material in with some crowd work, and after the show, I got a really solid ovation, and made my way back to the sound booth. Mark, the house manager, shook my hand and said "You know, this was supposed to be a clean show, right?" and all the color drained out of my face. I guess they stopped counting f-bombs at around 85, which may have been exaggerated for comic effect, but is probably in the right neighborhood. I definitely left at least a dozen in a plastic bag on somebody's front door handle.
The folks shook my hand afterward, including the lady who was paying the club the money, and I apologized because I didn't know the parameters, and she said that it was fine and that the group really liked me. I wouldn't have had a problem working clean, I do it all the time, but I was working off of faulty intelligence. Still, the client had no problem, so I went home with my head held high, if not a little red in the cheeks.
This week, I start my August session of comedy classes at the Comedy Club, and I'm looking forward to a new batch of students along with some of the folks from the June session looking to brush up their skills. The game show tour starts up again on August 16th in Huntsville, Alabama, so I'll have plenty to do along with my teaching schedule.
The opposite of burn out is rust out. I've done 'em both, and given my choice, I'll take the burn.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Friday, July 17, 2009
Dr. Music (Blue Oyster Cult)
You know how I figure out if someone I've just met, like at a cocktail party or something, is worth talking to or not? I ask them their favorite Blue Oyster Cult song. Based on the answer, I'll decide how to treat them. There are several levels, like the rings of hell in Dante's "Inferno."
If someone mentions "Harvester of Eyes," "Astronomy," "E.T.I." or something cool like that, we're going drinking. Unkle Roger, dearly departed disc jockey from WCMF, loved "E.T.I." and that made him a cool motherfucker in my book and I hope they find the person responsible for his death because a cool guy like Unk shouldn't go out like that.
The next ring would be songs like "Godzilla" or "Cities On Flame." These are deep cuts, but still get enough radio airplay that they're considered fairly common. A mention of these will still get you into the brotherhood, and I'll talk as long as you want.
The next layer is "Don't Fear The Reaper" or "Burnin' For You." These are the most common Blue Oyster Cult songs and they don't require any special fan appreciation to pooch out. As a matter of fact, if these are the only song titles the person can produce, I usually write them off at that point as a walking waste, either too young to know any better or too lame to matter. I won't be more inconsiderate to them than I would a stranger on a bus who wants to talk about the weather, but basically, we're in the same neighborhood.
Almost to the bottom of the rings, there's the response "I don't have a favorite song" or "Who is Blue Oyster Cult?" or worse yet, "I don't like them." The truth of this is that Blue Oyster Cult was always a group that required a little imagination to like; they weren't singing about love and relationships, and when they did, it was something dark like a suicide pact or a sado-masochistic sexual affair. To admit that you don't like them or didn't take enough time to get familiar with the material basically is an admission that you're a second class person, more concerned with style over substance, and you're part of the problem (and by that, I mean *all* the problems....teenage pregnancy, overcrowding in our cities, hunger in the third world, gang violence, the poisoning of our food supply by contamination, and the prospect that the Earth will be struck by a huge meteor). I'm sorry, even if you think you're innocent, you're not, and if you're not willing to take the blame, then it's my civic duty to hang that shit around your neck. For Christ's sake, just get one of the live albums and work your way through it. It's not that hard, and you'll be a better person for it.
The bottom ring is reserved for folks whose only exposure to BOC is that sketch that Will Ferrell and Christopher Walken did on Saturday Night Live where they talk about needing more cowbell. If you're a young punk and that's all you've got, I blame it on your parents. They obviously didn't love you very much, or realized that you were "special needs" and couldn't handle anything more. That's a shame, but not everyone gets the nurturing that they deserve.
Will Ferrell is a putz. If you think he's funny, you can't name a Blue Oyster Cult song. You need to draw yourself a bath, plug in a toaster and drop that motherfucker right in the water. You'll be doing us all a favor. Actually, if there's any way you can get Ferrell to take a bath with a toaster, that might earn you some points, but you'll still have to learn a song or two.
Now, you're reading my blog, so I automatically think you're a decent person, but you still have to do the work. If for some reason you never got savvy to Blue Oyster Cult, I'll help you along. You can probably look these songs up on YouTube or download them to your iPod or if you're really interested in being a top-notch human being, you can buy the old albums or CD's and listen to them at home. But here's a good list to start with.
From their debut, "Blue Oyster Cult" listen to "Transmaniacon MC," "Stairway To The Stars," "She's as Beautiful As a Foot," "Cities On Flame with Rock and Roll," or "Workshop of the Telescopes."
From "Tyranny and Mutation," try "O.D'd on Life Itself" or "Hot Rails To Hell."
"Secret Treaties" yields "Career of Evil," "Dominance and Submission," "ME 262," "Harvester of Eyes," and "Astronomy."
"Agents of Fortune" features "This Ain't The Summer of Love," "(Don't Fear) The Reaper," and "E.T.I. (Extra Terrestrial Intelligence)."
From the "Spectres" l.p., check out "Godzilla," "R.U. Ready 2 Rock" (doing the initials thing before Prince ever did!) and "Goin' Through The Motions" (featuring Ian Hunter!)
The "Mirrors" album is excellent, and you'll enjoy "I Am The Storm" and "In Thee."
The phenomenally titled "Cultosaurus Erectus" has the fine tracks "Black Blade," "The Marshall Plan" and "Lips In The Hills."
"Fire of Unknown Origin" is the album you may be the most familiar with, with the hit song "Burnin' For You," but also "Veteran of the Psychic Wars" from the Heavy Metal movie soundtrack album.
"The Revolution By Night" is amazing, and you can enjoy the songs "Take Me Away," "Shooting Shark" (featuring bass guitar work by American Idol's Randy Jackson), "Veins" and "Let Go."
"Club Ninja" has a pair of Bob Halligan songs (he's a famous songwriter for many cool bands such as Judas Priest, Helix and others) "Make Rock Not War" and "Beat 'Em Up" but you may also enjoy "Dancin' In The Ruins" and "White Flags." You might also enjoy "Perfect Water."
"Imaginos" needs to be listened to all the way through, but if you're gonna cherry-pick the songs, how about "I Am The One You Warned Me Of," "In The Presence of Another World," "Del Rio's Song," "Astronomy" (they re-did the song) and "Blue Oyster Cult." This was also the last album to feature Albert and Joe Bouchard.
"Heaven Forbid" was their reunion album, and features many great songs including "See You In Black," "Harvest Moon," "X-Ray Eyes," "Live For Me," and an acoustic rendering of "In Thee."
And their last studio album, released in 2001, "Curse of the Hidden Mirror" features the songs "Pocket" and "Here Comes That Feeling."
And like I said before, any of the live albums are good, and they usually put one out every three or four albums, to connotate a change in style or direction.
So go on, enjoy some good music and listen to the lyrics because there's a lot of good stuff going on in there. If you're more of a pop music person, and you like singles and you listen to music but don't really listen to the words, then you're doing your brain the same disservice you'd be doing your body if you ate ice cream all the time and never ate any vegetables.
And I'll never, ever tell you which category my wife falls into....there's a marriage at stake here. But I've tried to start righting some wrongs and I've played a few CD's in the car when I've taken Harmony to school, and she seems receptive. Good habits begin when we're young.....
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
If someone mentions "Harvester of Eyes," "Astronomy," "E.T.I." or something cool like that, we're going drinking. Unkle Roger, dearly departed disc jockey from WCMF, loved "E.T.I." and that made him a cool motherfucker in my book and I hope they find the person responsible for his death because a cool guy like Unk shouldn't go out like that.
The next ring would be songs like "Godzilla" or "Cities On Flame." These are deep cuts, but still get enough radio airplay that they're considered fairly common. A mention of these will still get you into the brotherhood, and I'll talk as long as you want.
The next layer is "Don't Fear The Reaper" or "Burnin' For You." These are the most common Blue Oyster Cult songs and they don't require any special fan appreciation to pooch out. As a matter of fact, if these are the only song titles the person can produce, I usually write them off at that point as a walking waste, either too young to know any better or too lame to matter. I won't be more inconsiderate to them than I would a stranger on a bus who wants to talk about the weather, but basically, we're in the same neighborhood.
Almost to the bottom of the rings, there's the response "I don't have a favorite song" or "Who is Blue Oyster Cult?" or worse yet, "I don't like them." The truth of this is that Blue Oyster Cult was always a group that required a little imagination to like; they weren't singing about love and relationships, and when they did, it was something dark like a suicide pact or a sado-masochistic sexual affair. To admit that you don't like them or didn't take enough time to get familiar with the material basically is an admission that you're a second class person, more concerned with style over substance, and you're part of the problem (and by that, I mean *all* the problems....teenage pregnancy, overcrowding in our cities, hunger in the third world, gang violence, the poisoning of our food supply by contamination, and the prospect that the Earth will be struck by a huge meteor). I'm sorry, even if you think you're innocent, you're not, and if you're not willing to take the blame, then it's my civic duty to hang that shit around your neck. For Christ's sake, just get one of the live albums and work your way through it. It's not that hard, and you'll be a better person for it.
The bottom ring is reserved for folks whose only exposure to BOC is that sketch that Will Ferrell and Christopher Walken did on Saturday Night Live where they talk about needing more cowbell. If you're a young punk and that's all you've got, I blame it on your parents. They obviously didn't love you very much, or realized that you were "special needs" and couldn't handle anything more. That's a shame, but not everyone gets the nurturing that they deserve.
Will Ferrell is a putz. If you think he's funny, you can't name a Blue Oyster Cult song. You need to draw yourself a bath, plug in a toaster and drop that motherfucker right in the water. You'll be doing us all a favor. Actually, if there's any way you can get Ferrell to take a bath with a toaster, that might earn you some points, but you'll still have to learn a song or two.
Now, you're reading my blog, so I automatically think you're a decent person, but you still have to do the work. If for some reason you never got savvy to Blue Oyster Cult, I'll help you along. You can probably look these songs up on YouTube or download them to your iPod or if you're really interested in being a top-notch human being, you can buy the old albums or CD's and listen to them at home. But here's a good list to start with.
From their debut, "Blue Oyster Cult" listen to "Transmaniacon MC," "Stairway To The Stars," "She's as Beautiful As a Foot," "Cities On Flame with Rock and Roll," or "Workshop of the Telescopes."
From "Tyranny and Mutation," try "O.D'd on Life Itself" or "Hot Rails To Hell."
"Secret Treaties" yields "Career of Evil," "Dominance and Submission," "ME 262," "Harvester of Eyes," and "Astronomy."
"Agents of Fortune" features "This Ain't The Summer of Love," "(Don't Fear) The Reaper," and "E.T.I. (Extra Terrestrial Intelligence)."
From the "Spectres" l.p., check out "Godzilla," "R.U. Ready 2 Rock" (doing the initials thing before Prince ever did!) and "Goin' Through The Motions" (featuring Ian Hunter!)
The "Mirrors" album is excellent, and you'll enjoy "I Am The Storm" and "In Thee."
The phenomenally titled "Cultosaurus Erectus" has the fine tracks "Black Blade," "The Marshall Plan" and "Lips In The Hills."
"Fire of Unknown Origin" is the album you may be the most familiar with, with the hit song "Burnin' For You," but also "Veteran of the Psychic Wars" from the Heavy Metal movie soundtrack album.
"The Revolution By Night" is amazing, and you can enjoy the songs "Take Me Away," "Shooting Shark" (featuring bass guitar work by American Idol's Randy Jackson), "Veins" and "Let Go."
"Club Ninja" has a pair of Bob Halligan songs (he's a famous songwriter for many cool bands such as Judas Priest, Helix and others) "Make Rock Not War" and "Beat 'Em Up" but you may also enjoy "Dancin' In The Ruins" and "White Flags." You might also enjoy "Perfect Water."
"Imaginos" needs to be listened to all the way through, but if you're gonna cherry-pick the songs, how about "I Am The One You Warned Me Of," "In The Presence of Another World," "Del Rio's Song," "Astronomy" (they re-did the song) and "Blue Oyster Cult." This was also the last album to feature Albert and Joe Bouchard.
"Heaven Forbid" was their reunion album, and features many great songs including "See You In Black," "Harvest Moon," "X-Ray Eyes," "Live For Me," and an acoustic rendering of "In Thee."
And their last studio album, released in 2001, "Curse of the Hidden Mirror" features the songs "Pocket" and "Here Comes That Feeling."
And like I said before, any of the live albums are good, and they usually put one out every three or four albums, to connotate a change in style or direction.
So go on, enjoy some good music and listen to the lyrics because there's a lot of good stuff going on in there. If you're more of a pop music person, and you like singles and you listen to music but don't really listen to the words, then you're doing your brain the same disservice you'd be doing your body if you ate ice cream all the time and never ate any vegetables.
And I'll never, ever tell you which category my wife falls into....there's a marriage at stake here. But I've tried to start righting some wrongs and I've played a few CD's in the car when I've taken Harmony to school, and she seems receptive. Good habits begin when we're young.....
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Cat Scratch Fever (Ted Nugent)
Good morning, North America, and anyone else who cares to read. Rather than get a good night's sleep, I decided to toss and turn and keep flipping the pillow to the "cool" side, and finally, I've just said "fuck it" and thought I would blog....it's been a couple of weeks, and I've been piss-poor about keeping in touch.
Stuff on the comedy front's been few and far between, and by design, as I thought I would spend the Summer doing family stuff and spending time with Pammey and Harmony. We've mostly done that, but the weather around here has been decidedly un-summer-like. We've always kept cool by installing two window unit air conditioners on either side of the apartment, but this year, we've only run them once....for the most part, the outdoor temperature has run only into the low 70's, and at night, we're down into the low 50's. I'm not complaining because we're saving a ton of money on our electric bill, but little things are being affected. I usually take advantage of the warm weather to hang clothing on the clothesline out in the backyard, but we really haven't had any days that were hot (or dry) enough to pull that off. Also, you can't really mow your grass when it's wet, and it's been perpetually wet out there. My backyard looks like a jungle! I planted some pepper seeds earlier in the year and I was worried that I wouldn't be around to water them enough, but they've gotten plenty of water, now I'm worried about the sunlight!
If I had things to keep me busy, I guess I wouldn't be so down on the weather, but it's been a lot of "sit around and wait" around here. I did a "Dash For Dollars" gameshow date at D'Youville College in Buffalo last week, and I have another one Wednesday night and a third one this coming Sunday night as part of D'Youville's freshman orientation. The Incredible Cash Cube had a small stress fracture to be taken care of, and as luck would have it, there is a welding shop right around the corner from my house....walking distance, actually. They got the piece back into shape, and then my comedy buddy Ray Salah's father helped me replace some missing fasteners with his 50+ year collection of screws and bolts. The D'Youville folks were awesome and it's a great performance space...I'm looking forward to the next two shows, knowing that it's a good situation.
I did a standup date at a club called Dubland Underground on July 4th weekend. I was concerned that the club wouldn't draw very well, but they actually had a good group down in the basement club. I shared the stage with Rochester comedians Paris, Joe Cumbo, Katie Wood, Billy T. Anglin and Dan Maslyn. I didn't know how long of a show I was going to do, what with it being a very young crowd, but they hung out with me for 45 minutes or more and I had a good time with it. This past weekend, I was supposed to do a comedy train in Vermont with Steve "The Nuclear Guy," but reservations were thin and they pulled the plug on the show. I was sad to see the shows not come off, but after 20 years in this business, I understand that no Summer gig is completely secure.
So with no work for the weekend, I attended two weekend gatherings, on Saturday, a birthday party for our friends Maria and Billy Griffin's son Aidan who was turning 9, and on Sunday, a birthday party for our friend Mike Visconte who was turning 60. Saturday's party was enjoyable, and even though I was upset about the loss of work, I decided not to be a grouch about it, and I kept to myself until folks coaxed me out of my shell. The star attraction of the cookout, in my opinion, was Billy's food, where he put his restaurant experience to good use and rustled up some top-notch grub. His burgers were so thick, you could've chocked the wheels of a 747 with 'em. And they were incredibly juicy; they didn't need one condiment, just a fresh burger bun.
Mike's party was big on the grub, too, with a combination of standard cookout food, birthday cake, and Italian cuisine. The hots were huge, and there were plenty of them, and even though it got a little cool later in the evening, there was a lively discussion courtesy of the party guests, many of whom are teachers, involved in the City School District in some way, or like Pam and myself, have a child that is school-age. One of the guests was a truck driver for Wegman's, and after having seen him at the last few get-togethers at Mike and Fran's, I found out that he worked for my father for years over at Boise Cascade. He told me stories about my father that I'd never heard before, stories that made me laugh and made me incredibly proud of my dad (not that I wasn't already proud of him). I knew he was well-liked at his job, and this gentleman told me that he actually turned down a promotion so that he could keep working for my father. It was great to hear those stories, and sad, too, because I love to hear good things about my father, but I hate being reminded that he's no longer with us.
We're still getting over our recent loss in the family, and yesterday, I had to take one of Dina's cats into the vet for shots and a pedicure so that he and his sister could be handed over to one of Dina's co-workers who volunteered to take the animals on. Chester, the cat in question, is not a friendly guy, and he's scratched and bitten everyone who's come into contact with him. So who's the natural choice of person to take him to the vet? Me. The guy who's on blood thinners and doesn't clot very well.
In the past, when I've gone to the apartment to feed Chester and his sister Fauna, Chester's been friendly to me, and I figured I'd have a decent chance of getting out of the operation unscathed, but I was going to have to be clever. I grabbed an old towel, and started petting Chester, slowly wrapping him up in it and picking him up and moving him towards the ol' cat carrier. The carrier was fairly big, but even *I* don't like seeing it because we've taken at least four cats to be put down in it, and if I were a cat with a hunter's sense of smell, I think I would detect the stench of death. I made sure to get Chester's front paws wrapped up, but the problem appendages were those back feet, powerful pouncing haunches that somehow stopped me from completing the delivery of cat into carrier.
I tried another time, and then finally I realized that I was being too gentle, and for no good reason, and shoved him into the carrier. I got the door fastened, and with nary a scratch. I got Chester into the car, and played some soothing music for him and opened the back window so he could enjoy the fresh air. I actually didn't know which station he would like to hear the most, so I picked 100.5 The Drive because they had New Music Monday; no reason for both of us to be pissed off.
I got Chester over to the veterinarian, and the vet went to work like a ninja; he clipped Chester's nails in less than a minute, and administered a couple of booster shots, and it was all over. I explained that it wasn't my cat, and that I didn't want to get scratched because of my being on blood thinners, and a young lady was called in to do the holding. She grabbed Chester by the scruff of the neck, which to us looks pretty aggressive, but is really no more uncomfortable to a cat than a firm handshake. After everything was done, the young lady opened the door to the cat carrier, led Chester in by his front paws, and he complied like it was the most natural thing in the world. "This is bullshit!" I protested. "Please, can't you make it look like it was at least a *little* bit of a struggle?" The vets laughed. They explained that it's all in the intimidation factor, and when it's your cat, you've got no shot at intimidating them because they know you. I've got to get tougher with the family pets if I expect any cooperation, and we've only got one cat now, Little Monet (I'm not sure that the "Little" part is actually her name, but that's what we call her all the time, so it's stuck), and she's pretty skittish to begin with. Although in the morning she gets pretty friendly and she even lets Harmony pick her up and carry her around, so maybe she's not that skittish after all.
This week, we're hosting our own shindig at the Millennium Lodge, and on a Saturday rather than our regular Sunday date. We've tried to get all of our invites out by e-mail, but as always, some folks fall through the cracks, so if you didn't get an invite, it's not because we don't want you to come, we just don't have a comprehensive, all-inclusive list! If you're interested in coming, here's the info, courtesy of Pamela:
Please join us for an afternoon of fun at the Greece Canal Park's Millennium Lodge,
on Saturday, July 18th, 2009!
http://www.monroecounty.gov/parks-greececanal.php
Food hits the grill at noon. We supply the hots and hamburgers, soda and waters. We'd love it if you'd like to bring a dish, chips, or dessert to share, if you can.
There's a playground there, as well as three tennis courts, and a soccer/baseball field! Come prepared to have fun! Bring any games/balls/equipment that you'd like as well!
We'll be there all day, from Noon until 9PM!
Drop-in any time - stay for as long as you'd like!
Please RSVP (Pam's email: CoolGrrl28@aol.com or Ralph's email: YuksOnMe@aol.com or our home phone: 585-254-6256) by July 15th so we buy enough supplies!
We look forward to having some fun in the sun with YOU!
Next week: Ralph has jury duty, a gig in West Virginia (can't do 'em both at the same time, let's see how this shakes out), Mom comes visiting from Florida, and MUCH MUCH MORE! Stay tuned everybody! Also, in August, I'll be teaching another round of comedy classes (because the last ones were so popular) and you can find the info at http://www.thecomedyclub.us/Comedy_Classes.html. If you want to be funny, or know someone who you think would be interested, pass it along. I made the classes cheap for the summer, and we've got some returning folks from our June session, so it should be a lot of fun.
Thanks for reading!
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Stuff on the comedy front's been few and far between, and by design, as I thought I would spend the Summer doing family stuff and spending time with Pammey and Harmony. We've mostly done that, but the weather around here has been decidedly un-summer-like. We've always kept cool by installing two window unit air conditioners on either side of the apartment, but this year, we've only run them once....for the most part, the outdoor temperature has run only into the low 70's, and at night, we're down into the low 50's. I'm not complaining because we're saving a ton of money on our electric bill, but little things are being affected. I usually take advantage of the warm weather to hang clothing on the clothesline out in the backyard, but we really haven't had any days that were hot (or dry) enough to pull that off. Also, you can't really mow your grass when it's wet, and it's been perpetually wet out there. My backyard looks like a jungle! I planted some pepper seeds earlier in the year and I was worried that I wouldn't be around to water them enough, but they've gotten plenty of water, now I'm worried about the sunlight!
If I had things to keep me busy, I guess I wouldn't be so down on the weather, but it's been a lot of "sit around and wait" around here. I did a "Dash For Dollars" gameshow date at D'Youville College in Buffalo last week, and I have another one Wednesday night and a third one this coming Sunday night as part of D'Youville's freshman orientation. The Incredible Cash Cube had a small stress fracture to be taken care of, and as luck would have it, there is a welding shop right around the corner from my house....walking distance, actually. They got the piece back into shape, and then my comedy buddy Ray Salah's father helped me replace some missing fasteners with his 50+ year collection of screws and bolts. The D'Youville folks were awesome and it's a great performance space...I'm looking forward to the next two shows, knowing that it's a good situation.
I did a standup date at a club called Dubland Underground on July 4th weekend. I was concerned that the club wouldn't draw very well, but they actually had a good group down in the basement club. I shared the stage with Rochester comedians Paris, Joe Cumbo, Katie Wood, Billy T. Anglin and Dan Maslyn. I didn't know how long of a show I was going to do, what with it being a very young crowd, but they hung out with me for 45 minutes or more and I had a good time with it. This past weekend, I was supposed to do a comedy train in Vermont with Steve "The Nuclear Guy," but reservations were thin and they pulled the plug on the show. I was sad to see the shows not come off, but after 20 years in this business, I understand that no Summer gig is completely secure.
So with no work for the weekend, I attended two weekend gatherings, on Saturday, a birthday party for our friends Maria and Billy Griffin's son Aidan who was turning 9, and on Sunday, a birthday party for our friend Mike Visconte who was turning 60. Saturday's party was enjoyable, and even though I was upset about the loss of work, I decided not to be a grouch about it, and I kept to myself until folks coaxed me out of my shell. The star attraction of the cookout, in my opinion, was Billy's food, where he put his restaurant experience to good use and rustled up some top-notch grub. His burgers were so thick, you could've chocked the wheels of a 747 with 'em. And they were incredibly juicy; they didn't need one condiment, just a fresh burger bun.
Mike's party was big on the grub, too, with a combination of standard cookout food, birthday cake, and Italian cuisine. The hots were huge, and there were plenty of them, and even though it got a little cool later in the evening, there was a lively discussion courtesy of the party guests, many of whom are teachers, involved in the City School District in some way, or like Pam and myself, have a child that is school-age. One of the guests was a truck driver for Wegman's, and after having seen him at the last few get-togethers at Mike and Fran's, I found out that he worked for my father for years over at Boise Cascade. He told me stories about my father that I'd never heard before, stories that made me laugh and made me incredibly proud of my dad (not that I wasn't already proud of him). I knew he was well-liked at his job, and this gentleman told me that he actually turned down a promotion so that he could keep working for my father. It was great to hear those stories, and sad, too, because I love to hear good things about my father, but I hate being reminded that he's no longer with us.
We're still getting over our recent loss in the family, and yesterday, I had to take one of Dina's cats into the vet for shots and a pedicure so that he and his sister could be handed over to one of Dina's co-workers who volunteered to take the animals on. Chester, the cat in question, is not a friendly guy, and he's scratched and bitten everyone who's come into contact with him. So who's the natural choice of person to take him to the vet? Me. The guy who's on blood thinners and doesn't clot very well.
In the past, when I've gone to the apartment to feed Chester and his sister Fauna, Chester's been friendly to me, and I figured I'd have a decent chance of getting out of the operation unscathed, but I was going to have to be clever. I grabbed an old towel, and started petting Chester, slowly wrapping him up in it and picking him up and moving him towards the ol' cat carrier. The carrier was fairly big, but even *I* don't like seeing it because we've taken at least four cats to be put down in it, and if I were a cat with a hunter's sense of smell, I think I would detect the stench of death. I made sure to get Chester's front paws wrapped up, but the problem appendages were those back feet, powerful pouncing haunches that somehow stopped me from completing the delivery of cat into carrier.
I tried another time, and then finally I realized that I was being too gentle, and for no good reason, and shoved him into the carrier. I got the door fastened, and with nary a scratch. I got Chester into the car, and played some soothing music for him and opened the back window so he could enjoy the fresh air. I actually didn't know which station he would like to hear the most, so I picked 100.5 The Drive because they had New Music Monday; no reason for both of us to be pissed off.
I got Chester over to the veterinarian, and the vet went to work like a ninja; he clipped Chester's nails in less than a minute, and administered a couple of booster shots, and it was all over. I explained that it wasn't my cat, and that I didn't want to get scratched because of my being on blood thinners, and a young lady was called in to do the holding. She grabbed Chester by the scruff of the neck, which to us looks pretty aggressive, but is really no more uncomfortable to a cat than a firm handshake. After everything was done, the young lady opened the door to the cat carrier, led Chester in by his front paws, and he complied like it was the most natural thing in the world. "This is bullshit!" I protested. "Please, can't you make it look like it was at least a *little* bit of a struggle?" The vets laughed. They explained that it's all in the intimidation factor, and when it's your cat, you've got no shot at intimidating them because they know you. I've got to get tougher with the family pets if I expect any cooperation, and we've only got one cat now, Little Monet (I'm not sure that the "Little" part is actually her name, but that's what we call her all the time, so it's stuck), and she's pretty skittish to begin with. Although in the morning she gets pretty friendly and she even lets Harmony pick her up and carry her around, so maybe she's not that skittish after all.
This week, we're hosting our own shindig at the Millennium Lodge, and on a Saturday rather than our regular Sunday date. We've tried to get all of our invites out by e-mail, but as always, some folks fall through the cracks, so if you didn't get an invite, it's not because we don't want you to come, we just don't have a comprehensive, all-inclusive list! If you're interested in coming, here's the info, courtesy of Pamela:
Please join us for an afternoon of fun at the Greece Canal Park's Millennium Lodge,
on Saturday, July 18th, 2009!
http://www.monroecounty.gov/parks-greececanal.php
Food hits the grill at noon. We supply the hots and hamburgers, soda and waters. We'd love it if you'd like to bring a dish, chips, or dessert to share, if you can.
There's a playground there, as well as three tennis courts, and a soccer/baseball field! Come prepared to have fun! Bring any games/balls/equipment that you'd like as well!
We'll be there all day, from Noon until 9PM!
Drop-in any time - stay for as long as you'd like!
Please RSVP (Pam's email: CoolGrrl28@aol.com or Ralph's email: YuksOnMe@aol.com or our home phone: 585-254-6256) by July 15th so we buy enough supplies!
We look forward to having some fun in the sun with YOU!
Next week: Ralph has jury duty, a gig in West Virginia (can't do 'em both at the same time, let's see how this shakes out), Mom comes visiting from Florida, and MUCH MUCH MORE! Stay tuned everybody! Also, in August, I'll be teaching another round of comedy classes (because the last ones were so popular) and you can find the info at http://www.thecomedyclub.us/Comedy_Classes.html. If you want to be funny, or know someone who you think would be interested, pass it along. I made the classes cheap for the summer, and we've got some returning folks from our June session, so it should be a lot of fun.
Thanks for reading!
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Teacher (Jethro Tull)
Tonight I want to extend a special congratulations to the graduates of my most recent comedy class. Earlier this evening, Anthony DiMuro, Eileen Loveman, Tim "Tizo" Maduro, Elliott Marino, Tim Shea and Steven "Sure Shot" Sorensen took the stage at The Comedy Club in Webster, NY (www.thecomedyclub.us) and put into practice the concepts and craft that they studied the last month. I'm proud to report that they all performed fabulously, to the delight of their families, friends and co-workers.
As their teacher this last month, I'm proud to say that they all took the material seriously and some of the students even took advantage of a few extra "voluntary" classes that I offered to make sure that their material was refined and polished. It paid off; they took the stage with confidence and precision, and I couldn't be prouder of them if they were my own children.
Several area comedians stepped forward and participated in the program, taking the stage in the early part of the show so that none of the graduates had to be "first" and be thrown to the lions. Local comedians Nigel Larson (who also sat in on our classes and offered feedback to the material that was being presented), Rachael Druszkowski (Western New York's Mom of Comedy), Josh Smith (The Rated-R Rockstar) and Andy Boccacino (a graduate of one of my first comedy classes almost ten years ago) took the stage and entertained our audience, setting the table for the graduates to do their thing.
Some people criticize standup comedy classes; they say "you can't teach funny." I might agree with that, but my retort would be that I don't need to teach funny. Everyone is funny. Everyone has the ability to tell a story, relate a personal experience, kid around, come up with a funny retort. The sense of humor is universal. As a comedy teacher, my goal is to show my students how to translate that sense of humor to a group of strangers. It's easy to make your friends and family laugh, they already know who you are. The trick is taking it to the stage and making strangers like you and laugh along with you.
In addition to that, you can teach public speaking and you can teach comedy writing, and if you combine them, you have what can reasonably be argued is the starting point of standup comedy.
Attending the performance tonight were Danny Liberto of the Comedy Company (www.noclowns.com) who I had the privilege of working with Saturday night at a room he books in Du Bois, Pennsylvania, and who also has taught comedy classes with me in the past, and Steve "The Nuclear Guy," who is a former student of mine who now tours around the country doing his standup act and booking his own shows. My thanks go out to them for coming out to support our class. Special thanks also go out to Mark Ippolito(the manager of the club, and believe it or not, a comedy class graduate), who tolerated our class messing up his showroom on his off nights, and Joe T. who gave the go-ahead to me to offer the classes after a long hiatus. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my webguy Bruce who came out, took some group photos after the show, and also is a comedy class graduate (two times!) from back in the day. There was so much love in the room, even my mother-in-law came to the show (no lie!) and her comments, related to me by my wife, was that she really enjoyed the show and she could see these students becoming professionals someday.
I sure hope so.
This week, it's some well-deserved time off before my college game show tour picks up again with the first of three shows at D'Youville College in Buffalo next Sunday. Happy 4th of July everyone! Remember, the Declaration of Independence states that we have certain unalienable rights, and that chief among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And making people laugh, if done well, can combine all three.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
As their teacher this last month, I'm proud to say that they all took the material seriously and some of the students even took advantage of a few extra "voluntary" classes that I offered to make sure that their material was refined and polished. It paid off; they took the stage with confidence and precision, and I couldn't be prouder of them if they were my own children.
Several area comedians stepped forward and participated in the program, taking the stage in the early part of the show so that none of the graduates had to be "first" and be thrown to the lions. Local comedians Nigel Larson (who also sat in on our classes and offered feedback to the material that was being presented), Rachael Druszkowski (Western New York's Mom of Comedy), Josh Smith (The Rated-R Rockstar) and Andy Boccacino (a graduate of one of my first comedy classes almost ten years ago) took the stage and entertained our audience, setting the table for the graduates to do their thing.
Some people criticize standup comedy classes; they say "you can't teach funny." I might agree with that, but my retort would be that I don't need to teach funny. Everyone is funny. Everyone has the ability to tell a story, relate a personal experience, kid around, come up with a funny retort. The sense of humor is universal. As a comedy teacher, my goal is to show my students how to translate that sense of humor to a group of strangers. It's easy to make your friends and family laugh, they already know who you are. The trick is taking it to the stage and making strangers like you and laugh along with you.
In addition to that, you can teach public speaking and you can teach comedy writing, and if you combine them, you have what can reasonably be argued is the starting point of standup comedy.
Attending the performance tonight were Danny Liberto of the Comedy Company (www.noclowns.com) who I had the privilege of working with Saturday night at a room he books in Du Bois, Pennsylvania, and who also has taught comedy classes with me in the past, and Steve "The Nuclear Guy," who is a former student of mine who now tours around the country doing his standup act and booking his own shows. My thanks go out to them for coming out to support our class. Special thanks also go out to Mark Ippolito(the manager of the club, and believe it or not, a comedy class graduate), who tolerated our class messing up his showroom on his off nights, and Joe T. who gave the go-ahead to me to offer the classes after a long hiatus. Also, I would be remiss if I didn't mention my webguy Bruce who came out, took some group photos after the show, and also is a comedy class graduate (two times!) from back in the day. There was so much love in the room, even my mother-in-law came to the show (no lie!) and her comments, related to me by my wife, was that she really enjoyed the show and she could see these students becoming professionals someday.
I sure hope so.
This week, it's some well-deserved time off before my college game show tour picks up again with the first of three shows at D'Youville College in Buffalo next Sunday. Happy 4th of July everyone! Remember, the Declaration of Independence states that we have certain unalienable rights, and that chief among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. And making people laugh, if done well, can combine all three.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Psalm 9 (Trouble)
Wow. Where have you been the last month, Ralph? None of yer damn business, Shecky.
Actually, things have been pretty rough around our house lately. My wife's Aunt Dina, who had been battling cancer, succumbed on Wednesday night, June 17th.
Dina was good to me, my wife Pamela, and our daughter Harmony. She was a member of our family, a remarkable group that took care of us, sheltered us and loved us. I married a great young lady, but I got a bonus with her family.
Years ago, when I proposed to Pamela, my parents were getting ready to retire to Florida and I was living in the basement apartment of the multi-family house they owned. In order to sell the house, I needed to get out and was about to go look for a place when Pamela suggested that we live together at her apartment. I wasn't against living together, especially when we were properly engaged, but we had to ask permission of Dina, as she owned the house. She said yes, and very cautiously explained to me that her niece was a special girl, and that if I hurt her in any way, she would come looking for me. It's been almost 15 years, and I guess I'm doing all right, nobody's taken a swing at me yet.
Dina worked in Social Services, was active with the union, and often would walk a picket line with other unions in solidarity. She was liberal in a lot of things, but insisted that things would be better if people got up off their ass. She was very Catholic, sang in the folk group at Holy Apostles, and deserved a much longer retirement than the one she got. She retired at 60 after the rigors of her disease started causing complications, and spent the last year of her life managing pain when she should have been enjoying herself.
She particularly liked a song that Pamela and I wrote about Harmony called "The Baby With The Nice Round Head" that we would sing all the time. She thought we should get it published, even though it was just a fun little ditty that we would sing to Harmony when she was really little and we wanted to change her diapers.
Dina wanted the best for us and loved us and we tried to help, but at the end of the day, it was cancer, the heavyweight champion of the world. I've done three cancer benefits alone this year, and I could have done three hundred and I don't think it would make a difference. It's a horrible disease, hard to diagnose, murder to treat, and we're no closer to understanding what it is, why it occurs, and why it's so different from patient to patient than we are to understanding God.
When Dina decided to stop treatment and go gracefully, I couldn't fault her. The treatments left her weak and drained, and she'd had enough. Making that decision required courage, a courage I'm sure I wouldn't have. She had plenty of visitors those last couple of weeks, cards, letters, flowers, folks from church, former co-workers, and of course Pamela and I brought Harmony to see her, hoping that her nice round head would bring a smile to Dina's face. I'm happy to report that it did. Harmony still doesn't really understand what heaven is, or what happens to people after they go there. She knows that "Auntie Dee" is up there with Grandpa Tetta, Great Grandma, and Snax The Cat. My mother-in-law Anne described it to Harmony as a big party that never ends, and she seemed o.k. with that. I guess I'm o.k. with it, too, but I picture it more as a state of bliss, basking in the love of the Creator, unaware of what's going on down on Earth. Lord knows, there's plenty going on down here to make anyone frantic, upset, scared or angry, and I don't think heaven would allow those things of their denizens.
On Wednesday night, when it happened, I was driving east towards Syracuse to do a TV program on Thursday morning, and the sky was pissing rain like I'd never seen. It was just ridiculous amounts of water coming down, and no more than 15 minutes after I'd hit the road, my wife called me with choking sobs and I knew that Dina had gone. With the time frame we were looking at and the experience of my father as a cancer patient only a couple of years ago, I knew after hearing that Dina was sleeping and mostly unresponsive that it would be quick, but I had no idea that it would be so soon. I'm happy to report that on the day of her interment, the skies were cloudless, the sun was out, and the service was joyous and well-attended. They even let me get up and read a passage, which I thought was nice. My original choices were considered too heavy-handed, I think, but they found a passage that got the message across and was considered more appropriate. Dina had an ex-boyfriend for years and he turned out to be a real scumbag, and as a present to her, I wanted to read something that basically gave him the guns, but in retrospect, I guess it was better that I just concentrated on a passage that indicated that Dina was a good person and her place in heaven was assured. Afterwards, members of the family including my wife's Uncle Joe from Boston and his wife Gretchen congregated at the Peppermill Restaurant and we had lunch. This was an old haunt of mine, and I could never get Pam to go there, but it was close by the cemetery and a good place to decompress.
Other than that, it's been a pretty busy June with two weeks in the Cleveland area and a week in Syracuse, and then the invitation to go on the Bridge Street show on WSYR-TV channel 9. I talked about teaching comedy, and I've been teaching a class in Rochester for the last month. Our graduation show is this coming Sunday at the Comedy Club in Webster, and everyone's excited and working really hard to brush up their material for the occasion.
There's a lot of work to be done around the house, and today I got the air conditioners in to help combat the 85 degree weather. I planted peppers in the back yard and I'm excited to see if anything comes of it, I'm not exactly known for my green thumb. Yesterday, we took Harmony to see a live exotic animal program at the library up the street, it was fun and a nice change of pace from all the stuff we've had to deal with the last couple of weeks. This weekend, I have a one-nighter down in Pennsylvania with old buddies Danny Liberto and Joe Bruno, and it should be a lot of fun. I've got a low-key yet busy July planned, including a week of jury duty, so we'll see how that goes.
O.k., that's enough. Thanks again for everyone who knew what was going on and their show of sympathy to our family in this time, it's really appreciated. Special thanks to my good friends Steve and Eileen for coming to the memorial service, I know it was a long drive and you're good friends and good people and my wife and I appreciate you. We'll see you at our picnic, and then out at your place for the redneck luau.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Actually, things have been pretty rough around our house lately. My wife's Aunt Dina, who had been battling cancer, succumbed on Wednesday night, June 17th.
Dina was good to me, my wife Pamela, and our daughter Harmony. She was a member of our family, a remarkable group that took care of us, sheltered us and loved us. I married a great young lady, but I got a bonus with her family.
Years ago, when I proposed to Pamela, my parents were getting ready to retire to Florida and I was living in the basement apartment of the multi-family house they owned. In order to sell the house, I needed to get out and was about to go look for a place when Pamela suggested that we live together at her apartment. I wasn't against living together, especially when we were properly engaged, but we had to ask permission of Dina, as she owned the house. She said yes, and very cautiously explained to me that her niece was a special girl, and that if I hurt her in any way, she would come looking for me. It's been almost 15 years, and I guess I'm doing all right, nobody's taken a swing at me yet.
Dina worked in Social Services, was active with the union, and often would walk a picket line with other unions in solidarity. She was liberal in a lot of things, but insisted that things would be better if people got up off their ass. She was very Catholic, sang in the folk group at Holy Apostles, and deserved a much longer retirement than the one she got. She retired at 60 after the rigors of her disease started causing complications, and spent the last year of her life managing pain when she should have been enjoying herself.
She particularly liked a song that Pamela and I wrote about Harmony called "The Baby With The Nice Round Head" that we would sing all the time. She thought we should get it published, even though it was just a fun little ditty that we would sing to Harmony when she was really little and we wanted to change her diapers.
Dina wanted the best for us and loved us and we tried to help, but at the end of the day, it was cancer, the heavyweight champion of the world. I've done three cancer benefits alone this year, and I could have done three hundred and I don't think it would make a difference. It's a horrible disease, hard to diagnose, murder to treat, and we're no closer to understanding what it is, why it occurs, and why it's so different from patient to patient than we are to understanding God.
When Dina decided to stop treatment and go gracefully, I couldn't fault her. The treatments left her weak and drained, and she'd had enough. Making that decision required courage, a courage I'm sure I wouldn't have. She had plenty of visitors those last couple of weeks, cards, letters, flowers, folks from church, former co-workers, and of course Pamela and I brought Harmony to see her, hoping that her nice round head would bring a smile to Dina's face. I'm happy to report that it did. Harmony still doesn't really understand what heaven is, or what happens to people after they go there. She knows that "Auntie Dee" is up there with Grandpa Tetta, Great Grandma, and Snax The Cat. My mother-in-law Anne described it to Harmony as a big party that never ends, and she seemed o.k. with that. I guess I'm o.k. with it, too, but I picture it more as a state of bliss, basking in the love of the Creator, unaware of what's going on down on Earth. Lord knows, there's plenty going on down here to make anyone frantic, upset, scared or angry, and I don't think heaven would allow those things of their denizens.
On Wednesday night, when it happened, I was driving east towards Syracuse to do a TV program on Thursday morning, and the sky was pissing rain like I'd never seen. It was just ridiculous amounts of water coming down, and no more than 15 minutes after I'd hit the road, my wife called me with choking sobs and I knew that Dina had gone. With the time frame we were looking at and the experience of my father as a cancer patient only a couple of years ago, I knew after hearing that Dina was sleeping and mostly unresponsive that it would be quick, but I had no idea that it would be so soon. I'm happy to report that on the day of her interment, the skies were cloudless, the sun was out, and the service was joyous and well-attended. They even let me get up and read a passage, which I thought was nice. My original choices were considered too heavy-handed, I think, but they found a passage that got the message across and was considered more appropriate. Dina had an ex-boyfriend for years and he turned out to be a real scumbag, and as a present to her, I wanted to read something that basically gave him the guns, but in retrospect, I guess it was better that I just concentrated on a passage that indicated that Dina was a good person and her place in heaven was assured. Afterwards, members of the family including my wife's Uncle Joe from Boston and his wife Gretchen congregated at the Peppermill Restaurant and we had lunch. This was an old haunt of mine, and I could never get Pam to go there, but it was close by the cemetery and a good place to decompress.
Other than that, it's been a pretty busy June with two weeks in the Cleveland area and a week in Syracuse, and then the invitation to go on the Bridge Street show on WSYR-TV channel 9. I talked about teaching comedy, and I've been teaching a class in Rochester for the last month. Our graduation show is this coming Sunday at the Comedy Club in Webster, and everyone's excited and working really hard to brush up their material for the occasion.
There's a lot of work to be done around the house, and today I got the air conditioners in to help combat the 85 degree weather. I planted peppers in the back yard and I'm excited to see if anything comes of it, I'm not exactly known for my green thumb. Yesterday, we took Harmony to see a live exotic animal program at the library up the street, it was fun and a nice change of pace from all the stuff we've had to deal with the last couple of weeks. This weekend, I have a one-nighter down in Pennsylvania with old buddies Danny Liberto and Joe Bruno, and it should be a lot of fun. I've got a low-key yet busy July planned, including a week of jury duty, so we'll see how that goes.
O.k., that's enough. Thanks again for everyone who knew what was going on and their show of sympathy to our family in this time, it's really appreciated. Special thanks to my good friends Steve and Eileen for coming to the memorial service, I know it was a long drive and you're good friends and good people and my wife and I appreciate you. We'll see you at our picnic, and then out at your place for the redneck luau.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Thursday, May 28, 2009
The Writer (UFO)
Thursday, May 29, 2009
11:45 P.M.
Just going down memory lane on a rainy, muggy night in Rochester. Ray Salah accompanied me to my last "Dash For Dollars" show of the season down in New Jersey on Wednesday, and for two days, we laughed and talked about the past.
Ray and I have been friends since I met him at Yuk Yuk's Comedy Club in Rochester back in May of 1988. We've been friends for 21 years, played countless shows together, and this summer, we're going to be doing something new, an improv show targeted towards families with children looking for entertainment options for their kids.
After two days in the car talking about all the stuff we've been through, I found a folder full of pictures, including a picture of our friend, Tiny Glover, who passed away last year. I also found folders full of jokes I'd written, hoping at one point to start my own "morning radio joke service" to funnel material at that market. I also found a folder full of poems that I wrote during a time when I was black-balled from the only comedy club in town, Hiccup's, and the only stage time that Ray and I could get was the Pure Kona open mic poetry night at Java Joe's. The black-balling basically occurred because there were two clubs in town, and Hiccup's didn't want me working at the other club, but the other club treated me better so I went with them, and then they went out of business, turning me into a man without a country.
Looking through the joke folder first....wondering what dusty gems lay in waiting....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Letterman returned to the Late Show on February 21st after undergoing quintuple bypass surgery. All that work, and they didn't do anything about his teeth.
The TV show ratings leader this week was ABC's "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" UPN is introducing a knock-off of the popular show called "Who Wants To Get Their Heat Turned Back On?"
Magician Doug Henning passed away on February 7th. Six pallbearers carried his casket to the grave site, and then sawed it in half.
Every year on George Washington's birthday, they have a mattress sale. Shouldn't they have it on Bill Clinton's birthday?
Monica Lewinsky's book tour is causing anger all over America. Democrats are mad because she disgraced the President. Her parents are mad because she embarrassed the family. Even her dentist is mad at her because he can't get her to spit.
A women's basketball league is being introduced for fans who can't get enough of the NBA. The WNBA promises the players are just as good as in the NBA, but they wear one more pad.
Wal*Mart is expanding it's presence in Europe, where it is taking over 21 supermarkets in Germany. No word yet on whether or not they're planning a Berlin Wal*Mart.
A ring of Canadian counterfeiters was caught trying to pass phony U.S. bills here in the states. They were caught when it was noticed that the $1 bill featured George Jefferson.
Thousands of Chinese-made condoms were returned to China as defective because an hour after you use them, you're still horny.
Business leaders in Hawaii are trying to stimulate business in the 50th state with a program called "Thumbs Up, Hawaii." New York state has a similar program, except it's not a thumb.
The National Support Group for Bulimia is having their annual fund-raising spaghetti dinner this Saturday. Dinner will be served at 7:00, 7:30, 8:00, 8:30, 9:00, 9:15, 9:20.....
The World Series contest this year will feature the Cleveland Indians and the Atlanta Braves. Tickets are only available through scalpers.
The mayor of Charleston, West Virginia was reprimanded for using city workers to repave his home driveway. He was caught when the crew painted a double yellow stripe down the middle of it.
Hugh Grant is selling the car he picked up prostitute Divine Brown in. He's going to take the money and buy an Escort.
It's a true fact: the first fortune cookie ever was manufactured in the United States. And the first fortune was "Inspected by #5."
A study by the American Medical Association shows that men who masturbate regularly are less likely to develop prostate cancer. But they suffer from a malady called "penis elbow."
The town of Preston, Mississippi has discontinued their recycling program because they're tired of reading the same newspapers over and over again.
A study at Johns Hopkins University shows that the poorest-selling flavored condom is peanut butter. Consumers didn't like it because it sticks to the roof of their mouth.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow. Say what you want, at least I never stopped working.
The poetry was, in a lot of circumstances, standup comedy disguised as poetry. Here's a taste.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tradition 5/20/94
"Eat it,"
my buddy said-
the worm at the bottom of the bottle;
"it'll be cool."
So I ate it.
It was bitter
and nasty
and I felt sick instead of cool.
I don't hang around with Larry anymore
and tomorrow I'm writing a letter of complaint
to the Heinz Tomato Ketchup company.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that's enough for tonight. Maybe I'll share some more next time. I'm off until Thursday when I'll be at the Cleveland Improv, which I'm looking forward to.
Take care, and thanks for reading.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
11:45 P.M.
Just going down memory lane on a rainy, muggy night in Rochester. Ray Salah accompanied me to my last "Dash For Dollars" show of the season down in New Jersey on Wednesday, and for two days, we laughed and talked about the past.
Ray and I have been friends since I met him at Yuk Yuk's Comedy Club in Rochester back in May of 1988. We've been friends for 21 years, played countless shows together, and this summer, we're going to be doing something new, an improv show targeted towards families with children looking for entertainment options for their kids.
After two days in the car talking about all the stuff we've been through, I found a folder full of pictures, including a picture of our friend, Tiny Glover, who passed away last year. I also found folders full of jokes I'd written, hoping at one point to start my own "morning radio joke service" to funnel material at that market. I also found a folder full of poems that I wrote during a time when I was black-balled from the only comedy club in town, Hiccup's, and the only stage time that Ray and I could get was the Pure Kona open mic poetry night at Java Joe's. The black-balling basically occurred because there were two clubs in town, and Hiccup's didn't want me working at the other club, but the other club treated me better so I went with them, and then they went out of business, turning me into a man without a country.
Looking through the joke folder first....wondering what dusty gems lay in waiting....
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Letterman returned to the Late Show on February 21st after undergoing quintuple bypass surgery. All that work, and they didn't do anything about his teeth.
The TV show ratings leader this week was ABC's "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" UPN is introducing a knock-off of the popular show called "Who Wants To Get Their Heat Turned Back On?"
Magician Doug Henning passed away on February 7th. Six pallbearers carried his casket to the grave site, and then sawed it in half.
Every year on George Washington's birthday, they have a mattress sale. Shouldn't they have it on Bill Clinton's birthday?
Monica Lewinsky's book tour is causing anger all over America. Democrats are mad because she disgraced the President. Her parents are mad because she embarrassed the family. Even her dentist is mad at her because he can't get her to spit.
A women's basketball league is being introduced for fans who can't get enough of the NBA. The WNBA promises the players are just as good as in the NBA, but they wear one more pad.
Wal*Mart is expanding it's presence in Europe, where it is taking over 21 supermarkets in Germany. No word yet on whether or not they're planning a Berlin Wal*Mart.
A ring of Canadian counterfeiters was caught trying to pass phony U.S. bills here in the states. They were caught when it was noticed that the $1 bill featured George Jefferson.
Thousands of Chinese-made condoms were returned to China as defective because an hour after you use them, you're still horny.
Business leaders in Hawaii are trying to stimulate business in the 50th state with a program called "Thumbs Up, Hawaii." New York state has a similar program, except it's not a thumb.
The National Support Group for Bulimia is having their annual fund-raising spaghetti dinner this Saturday. Dinner will be served at 7:00, 7:30, 8:00, 8:30, 9:00, 9:15, 9:20.....
The World Series contest this year will feature the Cleveland Indians and the Atlanta Braves. Tickets are only available through scalpers.
The mayor of Charleston, West Virginia was reprimanded for using city workers to repave his home driveway. He was caught when the crew painted a double yellow stripe down the middle of it.
Hugh Grant is selling the car he picked up prostitute Divine Brown in. He's going to take the money and buy an Escort.
It's a true fact: the first fortune cookie ever was manufactured in the United States. And the first fortune was "Inspected by #5."
A study by the American Medical Association shows that men who masturbate regularly are less likely to develop prostate cancer. But they suffer from a malady called "penis elbow."
The town of Preston, Mississippi has discontinued their recycling program because they're tired of reading the same newspapers over and over again.
A study at Johns Hopkins University shows that the poorest-selling flavored condom is peanut butter. Consumers didn't like it because it sticks to the roof of their mouth.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow. Say what you want, at least I never stopped working.
The poetry was, in a lot of circumstances, standup comedy disguised as poetry. Here's a taste.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tradition 5/20/94
"Eat it,"
my buddy said-
the worm at the bottom of the bottle;
"it'll be cool."
So I ate it.
It was bitter
and nasty
and I felt sick instead of cool.
I don't hang around with Larry anymore
and tomorrow I'm writing a letter of complaint
to the Heinz Tomato Ketchup company.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that's enough for tonight. Maybe I'll share some more next time. I'm off until Thursday when I'll be at the Cleveland Improv, which I'm looking forward to.
Take care, and thanks for reading.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
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