Who Made Who

Who Made Who                                                    1871

Friday, September 30, 2006-11:48 P.M. CDT

Technology hates me.  Cars, cell phones, laptop computers and vending machines have all conspired against me this week.  But I am unscathed.  The lowest human being is still better than the best machine.

O.K., it's not as bad as all that, but it's pissing me off pretty bad.

The week started out crappy in western Nebraska, South and North Dakota, where I had a tough time getting a cell phone signal.  I remember when I first started doing comedy, it was all about pay phones, and you made sure you had quarters before you left the house in case you had to make a call.  Cell phones made us dependent, and now when you can't get a cell, it's like you're cut off from the world like Gilligan.

Traffic is a bitch....I had to drive through Minneapolis yesterday to get to La Crosse, Wisconsin, and back through today to get to St. Cloud, Minnesota.  I got mutilated by traffic jams both times.  Yesterday, it was a crash that closed off one lane.  O.K., I understand.  Today, it was just idiot drivers hitting their brakes and waiting until the last minute to drive across 4 lanes of traffic to get to their exit ramp.  Buncha assholes.

I'm at the Thrifty Inn in St. Cloud, Minnesota...it's the first hotel this week that doesn't have wireless internet.  I knew that wasn't going to happen when they handed me a door key to my room that wasn't a swipe card.  Hello, 19th century.  I didn't mind using a wire to connect to the internet, but I kept getting an error message.  Come to find out, I was asking my laptop to dial "9" instead of "8."  I was just following the instructions on the call guide...fuck me. 

Finally, I was taking a nice nap before the show, and some jackass called my room looking for "Mike."  I swear to God, I wished I could send electricity through the phone line and fry his nuts.  All I wanted was a NAP!  I suffered in traffic all day, it's the least I deserved.

O.K., rant is over.

The show last night at the Starlite Lounge in La Crosse, Wisconsin was cool.  The lounge is "cocktail cool" with a late 60's, early 70's motif and I felt like I was Joey Bishop.  The mc was a radio kid with a Simpsons fixation....he had a giant Simpsons tattoo on his leg, the "Sopranos" spoof with the Simpsons characters in it.  Also, he showed me his driver's license, where he had his last name legally changed to "Simpson."  Needless to say, he went up on stage and dug a comedy hole the equivalent of the Marianis Trench...why do d.j.'s think they're funny?  Please, just play the new Kelly Clarkson CD and get off the stage.

Tonight, Bob Jay and I lit up the stage at Rum Runner's in St. Cloud, Minnesota.  It's a nice club with a comedy lounge on the second floor (sorry, handicapped folks...there's premium parking for you, but no elevator).  The last time I played this room, I opened for the Disgruntled Clown, and I mentioned that when I went up tonight, and many people "ooohhed" and "aaahhed" in recognition.  The show rocked, but Bob and I aren't the party types, so when the show was over, we hauled ass back to the hotel.

I'm happy to be settled into one place for at least the next day.  The Thrifty Inn is like my home away from home....they have my headshot up in the lobby, for God's sake!  There's a nice comic book shop halfway between the hotel and the club, so that's on the docket for tomorrow, and I'm probably going to hit some church rummage sales looking for books.  I'm doing great so far, I've sold 4 of the books I picked up on this roadtrip.  With gas going at $2.75 a gallon or more, every dollar counts!

I'm very tired, so I'll go now.  I'm looking forward to returning home after 12 days on the road, but not looking forward to the 15 hour drive home from Minnesota.  It'll be nice to see my wife and daughter again.  I heard Harmony playing with her toy blocks today, while Pam narrated over the phone, and I felt so lonely I almost broke down in tears.

Have a good weekend, and enjoy the nice weather while it lasts.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Ticket To Ride

Ticket To Ride                              1855

Wednesday, September 28, 2005-11:24 MDT

Days off suck.  There's no sense of purpose, no direction.  I don't kill time well.  However, I did get on the phones and squeezed four weeks of work out for 2006, so that's a plus.

Headliner Bob Jay accompanied me to the Dickinson, North Dakota Public Library's bookstore where I cleaned up on some resale prospect books.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm an avid Half.com salesman (www.half.com) and make some good money in my off time buying books at thrift stores and the like, and reselling them online.  I bought about 10 bucks worth of books today, and I've already sold two of them.  When you're supporting a wife and child on a comedian's salary, every spare dollar counts.  Although, I got word that I'm going to be in a commercial that is being shot next Tuesday, so that's going to be some nice extra money for the cause.

So after the book shop excursion, Bob retired to his room, leaving me on my own for lunch.  In the plaza across the street from our hotel, there was a Bonanza steakhouse (clearly a Ponderosa that went independent), so I grabbed a local paper and had a nice lunch.  I discovered a North Dakota regional delicacy called Knoephla, which is pronounced "NUFF-leh."  It's basically a chicken 'n' dumpling soup, and it was so good, I went back for seconds on it.  I did some investigation, and found a recipe for it here; The NDSU Libraries: Germans From Russia.  The folks at the Bonanza steakhouse told me they feature that soup every day that they're open, and they go through about 300 gallons of it a week.  I found that pretty impressive.  If you have a spare moment, call them at 701-225-4481 and ask them what their soup of the day is.  When they say "knoephla," ask them what it is.  I think it would be a neat prank for people to call them from all over the U.S. asking them what knoephla is.  Please remember that Dickinson, North Dakota, is on Mountain time, so call at the appropriate hour.

Bob talked me into going to see "The Brothers Grimm," which was playing at a movie theater, also across the street from the hotel.  I'm not a huge Matt Damon fan, aside from "Rounders" which is one of my favorite movies, but "Brothers Grimm" was really good.  It was directed by Terry Gilliam of Monty Python's Flying Circus, who also did "12 Monkeys" with Bruce Willis (another of my faves) and it was an amazing visual spectacle.  I'm glad I went.  It's pretty dark, like Johnny Depp/Edward Scissorhands dark, so if you go to see it, be prepared.

I have a 683-mile drive tomorrow, and I lose an hour going into the Central time zone, so I will close here.  Wish me luck as I make my way closer to home.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

p.s.  The picture above is my pal, SnaxTheCat.  Snax has been with me for 12 years now, and he's a good boy.  Here, he's taken up residence in a nook in our bookshelf in my office.  We thought he was cute there, so Pam and I took a picture of him, and I'm happy to share it with you.

RT

Badlands

Badlands                                                  1844

Tuesday, September 27, 2005-12:48 MDT (Wednesday morning)

Hello from Dickinson, North Dakota, home of the new Days Inn Grand Dakota Lodge, and the field office for Ralph Tetta and Inner Loop Comedy Productions for the next day or so.  I left Lexington, Nebraska, around 7:00 this morning, and drove about 9 hours, trimming 3 hour or so off of the expected drive time (according to RandMcNally.com).  I traversed western Nebraska, South Dakota and North Dakota, going through a part of the country known as "The Badlands."  If you've never been out here, there's really no way to describe it, other than that there's absolutely nothing, and plenty of it. You might see a herd of cows, about eight or twelve of them, and have no idea who they belong to, because you won't see a barn or a house for miles.  The curvature of the Earth seems to disappear, and you can see absolutely nothing for ever and ever....it's very humbling.  About six hours into my trip, I absolutely declared my unquestioning faith in a God because only a supreme being could make a place like this, but at the same time, I decided that His love for us is overrated.  The Badlands are a Godforsaken place.

I hit the road as the sun came up, and it was one of those red sunrises that they tell you sailors don't like, because the weather is supposed to be bad.  I got lucky and stayed in front of it all the way to Dickinson.  A little rain might have been nice, because there's an overpowering animal waste smell in the midwest, either from the animals they raise, or the crops they fertilize.  Either way, western Nebraska needs a flushing.

My biggest fear was running out of gas or having a mechanical problem on my way to North Dakota.  I had zero cell signal for most of the day, which meant I was subject to the loneliness of no human contact.  Luckily, I brought music for the car, because radio wasn't happening, either.  For long trips, I recommend blues and jam band stuff like Widespread Panic.  It really makes the miles melt away.

I'm working with Bob Jay this week, formerly of Full Contact.  He's an impressionist and is a lot of fun to watch on stage.  The bar was a rowdy place to work tonight, and I didn't envy him having to do his thing.  I fought my way through, but only had to hand for half an hour, and I could do the mc/warmup thing and not try to drive my material home.  Afterwards, it was Taco John's for us, and now I'm getting ready for a nice nap.

In the meantime, I got my pictures back from the developer, so I thought I would share some with you.  This is me after my headlining set in Niagara Falls at the House of Comedy with a couple of fans back in August.  Ain't I the chick magnet?

Have a nice day!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Every Picture Tells A Story

Every Picture Tells A Story                                        1827

Monday, September 26, 2005-12:04 A.M CDT (Tuesday Morning)

Hello folks, from Lexington, Nebraska, right at the intersection of Smack and Dab.  I did a show tonight with Patrick Candelaria (www.pcandelaria.com) at RC's Galley in Johnson Lake, Nebraska.  The smell of fertilizer filled the air, and the smell of audience members in the chairs didn't.  They were the nicest folks in the world, but there was 20 of them, and I don't care if you're Guns 'N' Roses with an 8-ball of coke, how do you rock THAT room?

I should've know what I was in store for.  When I left Omaha this morning (and by the way, damn U.S. Bank and their assinine $5 charge for check cashing....I don't have an account with you, but the guy who handed me this check does!  Aren't you obligated to hand over the money from his account?  It's just ridiculous and assures that I will never do business with U.S. bank.  Fuck 'em with a big rubber dick, then break it off and beat 'em with the rest of it), I should have known that I was driving towards a Hell Gig.  I called ahead to the hotel, and they said I wouldn't be able to check in until the guy from the gig came down and paid for the room.  I said that was no problem, that I would go to a movie or go mall-walking or something, and she just laughed at me.  Lexington is the kind of town where you stop only if you need gas.

Or if you want to work at a Tyson chicken packing plant.  I noticed that there were mucho signs in Spanish, because there's Mexican-Americans a'plenty up in this piece.  I also noticed that the Tyson plant had a daycare center and a playground out in front...now that's a worker benefit...a lot of people can't work because child care just eats up the money they would have made.  For a company to see that and offer child care right on the premises shows a proactive spirit, and it's smart business.

Lexington has a Wal-Mart, signs that it's a town with people with basic needs like food and clothing.  I found a Canadian penny in the parking lot, and I had to wonder how it made it's way all the way down here.  I picked it up, and will return it to Upstate New York where it will be appreciated (or at least accepted in lieu of a U.S. penny).

Still, the show was good and the folks were appreciative...and how often in this business do you get to work on a Monday?  I'll tell ya, it's not frequently, although I did a show at my home club last Monday (no show, but got paid anyway), so that's two weeks in a row.  I guess I shouldn't bitch, because statistically, I'm the luckiest guy in the comedy business.

I have a long drive tomorrow....574 miles, or about 12 hours according to my good friends at www.randmcnally.com and their online driving directions.  I pick up an hour because I'm heading into Mountain Time from Central, but I want to get there early enough to have a shower and a nap.  The gig in Dickinson, North Dakota, is in the hotel where they put up the comedians, so that's an added bonus.

I go now.  Until then, I wanted to share with you a thing I saw on TV; hope you enjoy it.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

I'm Winning

I'm Winning                                              1813

There's nothing worse than a sports bar.

I'm back at the Ice House Live, where for some reason, the wireless internet wasn't working for me last night, but today, it's fine.  I'm chilled out in the corner of what was the comedy showroom last night, but today it's the secondary seating for a packed, NFL-crazed crowd.  I'm watching my beloved Buffalo Bills all by myself in a corner on one of the smaller sets, and while Buffalo currently trails 13-6, there's a contingent of Miami Dolphins fans (read; dicks) enjoying the Dolphins current domination of the Carolina Panthers.  Also, they cheered when St. Louis ran back an interception against Tennessee, so basically, they're just WAY too into the game (and that's why they're dicks).  Hey, I'm a fan, but I don't flounce around in my team's jersey like I just blew the quarterback and stole it off his bedroom floor while he was sleeping.

Maybe I'd be in a better mood if Buffalo was winning.

Anyway, last night's shows were just as weird as Friday's....the early show was light, and the late show was packed.  There was a huge table of lesbians, and a huge table of scruffy Iowans, and they were all looking at me like I killed their puppies.  I battled them and eventually got them, but it was too much like work.  It's a new club, and they're getting a lot of folks who have never been to comedy before, so it's going to take some breaking in.  It was fun though, and Scotty Goff, the headliner from Tucson, Arizona, was a pleasure to work with.  He's the type of guy that works his ass off on stage and he's very funny, plus he's experienced without being bitter and jaded (which happens to us long-timers some times).

Carolina just pulled off a long pass play complete near the goal line, which shut those Dolphins dicks up pretty good.  I just noticed that one of them is wearing a cheese head hat.  Which to me means they have no idea who they're rooting for.  Maybe it's just a field trip from a group home.

Anyway, I got a nice little surprise last night; the club was supposed to mail my paycheck to my house, and instead, they presented it to me in person, which means a lot less jumping through hoops to access my money.  It makes a big difference to have cash when you're on the road and gas is $3.00 a gallon.

O.K.  I'm going to eat my cheeseburger, enjoy the Bills game (win or lose) and go do some laundry.  Have a nice weekend (what's left of it).

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

p.s.  While I was trying to think of a classic rock song to name this column after, Willis McGahee punched the ball into the Atlanta Falcons' end zone for a quick six points.  Oh, lucky day!

My Old School

My Old School                                                                     1804

Saturday, September 24, 2005-2:36 P.M. CDT

Good afternoon and what a fine day it is today in Omaha, Nebraska.  I'm in the Ice House Sports Bar and restaurant, my home for at least one more day before pushing off to Lexington, Nebraska, and taking advantage of their wireless internet.  I have to say, it's quite handy, and I am getting used to it to an unhealthy point.  Yesterday, I sat in the bar for almost four hours online, doing God knows what, and today, I made the smart move of grabbing a booth rather than a table, because the high-back bar stools made my butt numb.

The staff here at the Ice House have been over-the-top nice to me this week.  The food has been complimentary, and delivered with a smile, and of course, I tipped generously each time.  It's nice to be treated like a commodity once in a while rather than an interruption of business or a nuisance.  If a comedy club is charging a ten dollar ticket for their comedy show, and you could see a mid-level rock act (let's say, Government Mule or the Spin Doctors) and get the same ticket price, believe me, nobody would think of treating the members of those bands the way that comedians get treated...it's almost a foregone conclusion that comics can be mistreated because we're of a lesser calibre.  It's nice when you get to play in a place that doesn't subscribe to that school of thought.

I just got back from the bathroom, where I had a nice pee and then washed my hands.  As I was leaving the restroom, I used the door handle to open the door (duh), and because it's a sports bar, the door handle was shaped like a baseball bat.  And suddenly, it occured to me; not every gentleman who uses the bathroom washes his hands, but EVERY gentleman uses that door handle.  Henceforth, I just put my clean hands on every kind of germ, virus, microbe, amoeba and pestilence that every guy before me had.  And I'm sure that whomever cleans the bathroom didn't give the door handle a good Lysol spritz...I've cleaned many a bathroom in my day, and the thought never occured to me until just now.

It's college football day, and here at the Ice House, there are several contingents watching the games and hooting and hollering.  I just looked up and besides the full compliment of Nebraska Cornhusker and Iowa Hawkeyes banners and paraphenalia, there's a United States Navy banner.  Now, I love the good fighting men and women of the Navy as much as anyone else, but this is Omaha, Nebraska...they are as land-locked as you could possible be.  Anyway, Iowa is getting drubbed by Ohio State, and everyone's pretty quiet, but Miami is beating Colorado, and that must be important because everytime Miami scores, confetti falls, horns blow, all the girls in the bar take off their shirts and dance on the bar, and free drinks get passed around.  I'm kidding....there's no confetti.

Last night's shows were just as backward as they could possibly be.  The first show, the MONEY show, there were about 14 people in the place.  I sat on the edge of the stage, dangled my feet, and talked to the audience like we were around a campfire and I was about to make some S'mores.  The second show, it was a viking ship full of people, every possible race, color, creed and economic status was represented, plus a table full of Iowans (wretched, wretched bastards).  These were the kind of people that trailer park folk band together and get kicked out because they're "bad for the community."  I had fun, although it was like being a cop during a British soccer riot...I did my best, but it wasn't enough to keep the peace.

To pass away the time, I took one of those online tests to see where I fit in the political spectrum (like I really didn't know where I was).  The results were as follows.  I always thought I was a fair and decent person, but it's nice to have that validation.

 

You are a
Social Moderate
(55% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(18% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Democrat

You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness. loc: (18, -119)
 w: (1531)

For the record, I am a registered Independent (Liberal).  And apparently, I'm also Fair and Balanced.  Ain't that a kick?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

p.s. Take the test here if you wish, and drop me an e-mail with your score.

http://www.okcupid.com/politics

It Keeps You Running

It Keeps You Running                                                                1791

Friday, September 23, 2005-4:40 P.M. (Central Daylight Time)

Hello from the IceHouse Live! Sports Bar and Restaurant in  IceHouse Sports Bar and Restaurant - Omaha, NE  Omaha, Nebraska.  I'm here in Steak City (or whatever they call it....they do have good steaks, though) at the club taking advantage of their wireless internet for the first time ever with the new laptop.  It's great, learning this new technology, but I wish I was smarter about it.  Maybe I need to take a class or something.

I started driving Wednesday night around 8:00 P.M. and got as far as Chicago, about 5:00 in the morning.  I napped in the parking lot of a Pilot truck stop for about two hours, grabbed some coffee and headed west.  I arrived in Omaha around 2:00 in the afternoon, sixteen hours later; not bad for a one-stop drive.  During the second leg of the trip, I got a call from the booking agent indicating that the lodging had changed from a Best Western hotel to a house that the club bought.  It's nice, and close to the club, but because it's new, there's no phone yet and no cable TV.  Both of those are available at the club, but it's an inconvenience to have to get up, schlep the laptop over to the club, and try to wrestle the remote away from the other restaurant patrons.  Although, today they bought me lunch, and they had Spanish TV on the big screen.  I don't understand anything they're saying (despite four years of high school Spanish at my command), but one thing's for certain....Spanish TV sure knows how to trot out the T 'n' A.  It's nice to look at, but it just makes a man homesick.

The show last night was interesting....we had about 40 people, slow for a Thursday, I'm told, but the crowd was good.  I was sleep deprived and tired, and even though I thought my set was good, I knew it could have been better.  A guy from the show named Phil hung out with me at the bar for lunch...he's a salesman, and he took the day off,and we wound up doing the pal-around thing at the Ice House.  He's a regular here, and I did a mind-reading trick with the head server, and now she hates me (because I read her to a T).  Women like to be cool and mysterious, but they're generally all the same animal...they have wants and needs, and they want a man to supply them without being told what they are, but when you read their mind, they feel violated and resentful.  It's a very feline tendency, and I think it's tied to hormones.  Oh well.

Today I found a library and pillaged their used book section for a couple of interesting titles, including a murder mystery novel by a standup comedian named Dan Barton.  The book is called Killer Material, and I've already listed it for sale on www.half.com, but I may wind up reading it.  I'm not much into fiction, but if it involves standup comedy, I get interested.  I'm working on Pagan Babies by Elmore Leonard, because one of the characters is a standup comic.  Leonard wrote Jackie Brown and Get Shorty, along with the sequel Be Cool.  I enjoy his stuff, and recommend it thoroughly.

I'm working on a book about standup comedy myself, and I did a little more work on it this morning.  It's coming along pretty good, but I'm a ruthless editor.  I have to just write the damn thing, and let a professional editor make the changes.  I'm getting hung up on tense and word choice and forgetting the meat of the book.  Still, it will be the first full-length thing I've written, so I'm proud that I'm making the effort.  So far, all I have to my credit is standup comedy, poetry and short stories.  And the songs that I make up and sing to my baby daughter.....

....who, by the way, is doing great, thanks for asking.  The other day, she said pop-pop, which to me is close enough to Papa, so I cried joyful tears.  She also picked up my wallet and started running through the house with it, which is a habit she picked up from her mother.  She had no problem picking up my wallet, because there's hardly anything in it, but that's another story.  When Harmony was born, I told Pam that I thought I was too old to be a father, because at 38, I would be 54 when the child turned 16, and I didn't think I'd have the energy to run after her.

She's coming up on 2, and the running has begun.  God help me.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

P.S.  I forgot to mention something....this club, the Ice House, is a new location for the former Joker's Comedy Club.  Last year when I played here, I was working with Chicago's Tim Joyce, who was born and raised in Buffalo and is a big Bills fan (like myself).  We wanted to watch the Bills play the Dolphins at the end of last year's NFL season, and came to the Ice House to watch the game, because each of the booths has their own TV.  Everyone in the bar was watching the Chiefs (Kansas City is the next closes NFL town) and I kept yelling "PAY-TON MAN-NING!" just to stir up the pot.

I feel like I'm back home.

RT

Rochester, NY

Baby Talk

Baby Talk                                         1771

Wednesday, September 21, 2005-3:15 A.M.

Good morning.  I'm up late again tonight, lately my sleep has been all screwed up.  I'm taking off tomorow for a good old-fashioned cross country trip....Omaha, Nebraska beckons, with stops in Lexington, Nebraska, Dickinson, North Dakota, LaCrosse, Wisconsin and St. Cloud, Minnesota.  This is touring, and when I started doing comedy way back when, this is what I assumed it would be...hitting five cities and four states in ten days.  I'm psyched, though...I've been to all of these places, and even though the rooms have changed in most of the locations, I love the people...or else why would I even do this?

Pamela cut my hair today...I finally feel like a human being again.  I had this untamed mop on my head, and now I feel groomed and proper.  It'll be grown back in thick by the time snow starts flying in North America, so I'm covered.

Everybody and their brother has sent me this joke today, so I'm going to pass it on to the maybe two people who haven't heard it yet...What did President Bush say when they asked him about Roe Vs. Wade?  He said he didn't care how they left New Orleans.

I've been up all night doing laundry...I really drag my feet when I'm getting ready for a roadtrip.  I still have to get an oil change for Scooby, my faithful Toyota Corolla (so nicknamed by my wife who outfitted the interior with the famous detective dog's paraphenalia).

My daughter Harmony continues to impress...she's adding words to her vocabulary daily, and now she's up to cat, Mom, fries, up and hi.  When she says up, she actually says it in multiples, because when we pick her up, we say "Up up up!" and so she says "up" to get us to lift her up.  She also says "Mom" about 14 times in a volley of request for maternal attention.  Today's addition was "keys," which are her favorite toys to play with, for some reason.  She will take a key and try to open a door with it, whether that key goes to that door or not.  And somehow, Harmony really dislikes any door that's shut...she pushes them open as if to say "I don't think you'll be keeping me out of here, thank you."  Being a father and watching your child grow and learn day by day is like being a retard and gazing into a prism...you're bedazzled by the simplest things.

O.K., I really need to get some sleep.  I'm sorry to all the retards out there.  I don't mean to make slight of the retarded, but a dog gazing into a prism didn't really make it, and I was under the gun to come up with a decent simile.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Birthday

Birthday                                       1754

Sunday, September 18, 2005-2:32 A.M. (Monday morning)

Hello, my friends, and welcome back to my running narrative.  I hope you enjoy reading this journal and feeling what's on my mind.  I think, not to pat myself on the back, but I think I have an interesting life, at least at this point in time, and something worthwhile to say.  Of course, I could be wrong, but I'd be willing to gamble otherwise.

Today was Pamela's birthday...she's 34, and handling it well.  I drove home all night from Washington, D.C. to be with her today, and we had a nice, quiet day at home.  My overnight drive got me home around 10:00 in the morning, and she was leaving with our daughter for an all-day craft show, which gave me the opportunity to get some sleep.  I left D.C. around 1:30 in the morning, and except for a one-hour nap in northern Pennsylvania, I really hadn't slept, so I was exhausted.  The whole trip was about 500 miles total...a good day at the office.  She got home around 6:00, and we've had a nice day together so far.  We actually planned on celebrating Tuesday, but we started today.  So what, wanna fight about it?

My shows last night at Wiseacres were fun, but strange.  The attendance could've been better, but I like that room...it's very supportive of creative comedy, meaning I could feel free to riff a little and take chances, which I did.  Also, because Mike Diesel (the boss) is supportive of his local comics, the place is always jammed with guys hanging out, doing guest spots, rotating in the m.c. position, and I like that.  It's a very comfortable atmosphere.  I sold a modest amount of my comedy CD's and DVD's this weekend, a portion of which I am donating to the Red Cross for hurricane relief.  It's not a lot of money, but I figure a dollar here, a dollar there makes a difference.  The other day, I realized in a moment of clarity that if you have just one change of clothing, a clean shirt, pair of pants and underwear and clean socks to change into, you're better off than most of the residents of that city and what they have left.  Sometimes I take for granted what I have, and I'm trying hard not to make that mistake anymore.

So today I slept thorugh the Buffalo Bills' loss at Tampa Bay, which is fine with me.  I love the Bills, but I hate watching them lose...I always feel so powerless in the outcome, and that's not something I handle well.  I actually have a record going that the Bills have won their games 100% of the time when I've been  in attendance, which leads me to believe I should be going to more games.

I only have a couple of days to prepare before leaving for Omaha, Nebraska, so I'll keep this entry short.  Love one another, support others in what they do, and watch the dividends come back to you.  Cast your bread on the waters....

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

That Smell

That Smell                                                                        1742

Saturday, September 17, 2005-4:58 P.M.

Good afternoon, and hello from McLean, Virginia (not Reston as earlier reported), home of the fabulous Wiseacres Comedy Club in the Best Western Tysons Westpark Hotel.  Last night's show was lots of fun, with headliner Randolph T. and opener Clay Miles joining me for the festivities.

The crowd was a little bit of a slow starter, but after beating them into submission with my never-say-die attitude (and letting Dark Ralph out of his cage), they were won over.  After the show, a bunch of local guys congregated across the street at one of the watering holes, and we let some people who were at the show fawn over us a little bit before letting the conversation relapse into relentless shop talk (as most comics do when they get together; gossip like washer-women).

After closing time, we got booted and took up the conversation in the parking lot for another 40 minutes, and finally, we went back to the hotel and our respective cars and overnight lodgings.  The bad thing about talking in the parking lot was there was an odor of cooking cinnamon buns wafting through the parking lot, and it was driving me crazy trying to figure out what store it was coming from.  I have a weakness for all foods, but cinnamon buns are something special for a sugar 'n' starch addict.  If I was in New Orleans during the looting, I would've looted a Cinnabon store just for the cinnmon buns.

After winding down from the show, I finally got to sleep around 4 A.M., and at 5 A.M., my clock radio alarm went off!  I swear, it's a conspiracy, because I stay in hotels every week, and this ALWAYS happens.  I think the housekeepers set the alarms for early in the morning so patrons will get up, get an early start and get out so they can clean the rooms quick and go home early.....anyway, it wound up waking me up for the next three hours that I couldn't go back to sleep, so I trolled the internet and watched horrible late night cable TV (Dick Clark's Uncensored Bloopers....what was I thinking?) until I could finally get to sleep.

I overslept and almost missed my lunch date with Randolph and Sean, one of the other comics here in the D.C. area.  We hit the Chinese buffet (where else?) and did some mall walking, and to be honest, after 5 hours of sleep, I need a nap.

So that's what I'm gonna do.  I'll give you the two-show report tomorrow.

Signing off from our nation's capitol (or right across the Virginia state line from the nation's capitol),

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

...And Justice For All

...And Justice For All                                                      1727

September 17, 2005-6:06 P.M.

Hello from Reston, Virginia, just outside of our nation's capitol, where I'm settled into my luxurious hotel room at the Best Western and getting ready for the big 9:00 P.M. show at Wiseacres Comedy Club with headliner Randolph T.

Last night's show in Washington, North Carolina t the Southern Cheers Restaurant was a by-the-book affair, despite some low spirits due to the hurricane and some flooding that Ophelia brought.  Attendance was feh, but the room was small so it didn't detract much from the show.  I worked with Jim Holder from Houston, Texas, and we had a delightful chat befoe the show, along with some of the house gumbo, which was good 'n' spicy.

Because of the early showtime, I was back at the hotel by about 10:30, and after a failed attempt at sleep (I slept 5 hours before the show), I got up and started trolling the chatroom on the internet, something I hadn't done in easily ten years.

I wound up in a nest of Liberals, and I had a discussion with an American Indian fellow who was swearing up and down that the inclusion of "Under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance constituted religious instruction, or religious indoctrination of schoolchildren to say the least.  I told him he was nuts, and that there was no way the Supreme Court of the United States was going to entertain that argument, because the Pledge is voluntary, and uttering the words "Under God" (which a child can choose to do or not) does not constitute worship.  He got mad and asked me if I would approve of my child reading the Koran in school...now first of all, if I'm a good parent, and I want to pass along my religious beliefs, I should be fine if my child, upon reaching an age old enough to reason (she's 18 months right now, and spirituality is a little bit beyond her....right now, she thinks food comes when you cry), decides to accept or reject my teachings.  But of course, I would want her exposed to all of the information out there to make that decision.  My friend on the chat line (until 4:00 A.M., mind you) couldn't get his head around the idea that reading a book and worship are two different things.  If a teacher read a passage from the Bible, let's say, and then followed it up with "this is the truth, and you should dig what it has to say," versus "this is a piece of popular mythology that some folks believe and others don't," then we don't have an issue.  It's only when the piece is presented as worship that anyone should have a problem.

Now in the Pledge, the phrase used is "Under God."  And which God is that?  Most of the people in the world believe in some sort of being that they call God, except for Atheists and Agnostics.  And even they believe a little bit, because when the shit starts coming hot and heavy, like gunfire or extreme weather, they start praying like a muthafukka.  Therefore, the phrase is only (or should be only) objectionable to people who don't believe in any deity whatsoever.  At which point, you are free to abstain in recognition.  You don't have to sit on Santa's lap either, but he's at the mall every Christmas season if you want to.

Extremism is dangerous.  The only good place, I believe, is the middle of the road, because that's where you respect others' rights, and they respect yours.  We live in a country where you can swing your fist if you want, but that right ends where someone else's nose begins.  If people could compromise a little better, oh, what a wonderful world we would live in!  Unfortunately, there's large groups of people out there who don't dig the way some people swing their fists, and they want them to change because they can't not meddle in others' affairs.

You don't believe in abortion?  Cool.  Don't have one.  But don't tell someone else they can't have one...who put you in charge?  Some people say that they try to oppose abortion because the woman would be committing the sin of murder and would burn in Hell for it.  Unless she asks for forgiveness, but I guess some folks forget about that part of the equation.

I guess my biggest problem with the "Under God" question is that nobody is really getting hurt by the recognition of God in the pledge.  Let's say that you're a kid in school, and you do the pledge in the morning, and you're forced to say "Under God" along with the other students, and you really don't believe in God.  Is this an outrage?  Are your rights being trampled?  Do you go home every day, hating yourself, feeling your convictions dashed?  I gotta think, no you don't.  Because as heineous as it would be to be forced to deny a God that you believe in and trust and worship, to acknowledge a God that you really don't care about is not the equal opposite.  It's rather pithy, actually...it's a two-second thing that is fleeting and forgotten almost immediately after saying it.

Maybe I'm allowing my personl convictions to color the argument, but that's why I'm not on the Supreme Court.  And if I can't use my personal convictions to form an opinion, who's convictions should I use?

Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice For All.  Amen.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY 

Let It Rain

Let It Rain                            1716

Thursday, September 15, 2005-5:30 P.M.

Well, Hurricane Ophelia is definitely no Katrina, that's for sure.  I'm in Washington, North Carolina, just a few miles from Greenville, and all it's doing down here is raining.  I thought for sure I was heading into a hurricane zone like I was Geraldo Rivera, but Joel Pace at the Comedy Zone assured me Ophelia was pushing out to sea.  Thankfully, that was the case.

After doing some shopping and setting Pamela up for the weekend, I hit the road about 10:00 P.M. last night and drove overnight to NC.  I wanted to make sure I didn't have to drive through D.C. traffic.  I wound up hitting D.C. by 4:30 A.M., and route 95 wound up having a major detour, and I lost about half an hour winding around I-495, but I beat the traffic just the same.  At 5:30 A.M., the traffic coming into our nation's capital was four lanes of cars not moving at all, which I don't understand...every car heading north or south on I-95, one of the busiest highways in the country, has to go through D.C., and it's always a mess....they need an express skyway over the city, I think, or a bypass or something.

I hit Richmond, Virginia by 8:00 A.M. and had no problems at all.  For a big city, it's a piece of cake to navigate, and they do have a bypass route, which I always used to take.  Lately though, I've driven right through the city, just to see what it's all about, and I can tell you that if you stay left, you can cruise right through.  Isn't that the way it should be?  I think so.

I pulled into Washington, NC about an hour and a half too early to check in, so I grabbed a little McDonald's breakfast and napped in the car.  Once I checked in to my luxurious suite in the Holiday Inn Express (mini fridge in the room....ooooooh), I crashed out for about five hours and dreamt about hurricane survivors...somehow, I empathize with them, because I feel displaced, I'm tired and I need a shower.

Tonight, the gig's at a restaurant, so I'm going to head over a little early and grab a bite before the show.  I'm much funnier on a full stomach, and right now, my belly's growling.  Tomorrow, I have my exciting trip back into the D.C. area, and if I'm lucky, I can get in during the middle of the day and beat the drive in-drive out commutes.

Peace and blessings to you all!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Wild Horses

Wild Horses                                             1688

Monday, September 12, 2005-4:20 P.M.

Happy Monday, people.  I hope your weekend was good, and the September 11th observations didn't get you down.

Things were quiet here around the ranch, just taking a nice day to decompress and enjoy the family.  God, there's so much to do before the cold weather comes, and it's just starting to register with me.  I have some home repairs that I've been putting off, just because it's been so damn hot, and now that it's pretty mild, I actually have a shot at getting them done.  I'm not the handiest guy around, but I know a few things, and I purchased some tools...and there's nothing more dangerous than a guy who knows a little about home maintenance and owns tools.  If I'm lucky, I'll just lose a finger or something.  I'll let you know if that happens.

The price of gas dropped four cents.  I suppose I should be happy, but I'm really not.  One of the cool cats on one of the comedian online message boards posted a nifty photo from a gas station on their price board.  We've all seen variations of this, but I thought this one was original enough to pass along...I hope you like it. 

Michael Brown from FEMA quit.  Barn door, horses, etc.  I wonder what his next job will be.  Hopefully, they'll actually look at his resume first.  I hope he does something with horses.  Horses are easy to handle, and if something bad happens, you just shoot them.  I think Brownie can do a good job with that, too.

O.K., enough out of me.  I have to go to the post office, and I owe myself a haircut.  Have a nice day!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Art Lover

Art Lover                                                   1673

Saturday, September 10, 2005-2:14 A.M.

Well, the weekend at the Geneva Comedy Playhouse is at a close, and I'm back in the relative safety of my lil' grass shack on Cameron Street in Rochester, NY.  Tonight was the show that made up for Thursday and Friday.  We had a women's quoit league in attendance, and they drank like a bunch of lumberjacks.  They were fun, and the audience really enjoyed me when I strayed from my set and became abusive.  I found out that I'm really funny, but I'm getting bored of my written material and it's starting to affect my show.  I need to seriously channel what I want to talk about and get interested in my act again.

Today the wife and I continued our Herculean task of going through years worth of paperwork and trying to shred/file/condense it into a workable body.  I have warranty cards to fill out and send that have stacked up like cordwood...who knew we owned all this crap?  Also, even though they suggest that you should hold on to your tax records for seven years, there's no such moratorium for medical records, and now I have enough medical statements, invoices and doctor-distributed literature on health and wellness to reassemble a tree if I so chose.

Now I have four days off before the little trip to Washington, North Carolina and then Washington, D.C. (two Washingtons in one week....that's some sort of feat, innit?)...I like the D.C. room a lot, the club is right in the hotel, and the little side trip to North Carolina is strictly to make it worth my while to leave the house.  Either gig would be lousy due to the doubling of gas prices in the last year, but together, it works out o.k.  I'm excited to get back in the car and drive for 10+ hours....I love that stuff, and I can't explain to you why.  I flew to Ft. Myers last week, and it was just draining and felt funny, and then this week, I drove back and forth to Geneva, got to sleep in my own bed and be home, and that felt weird, too.  I guess I've just become accustomed to grueling drives and the comfort of a nice hotel room...it's like a reward for a job well done.  And anytime you can drive 600 miles and not die in a flaming fireball, that's a job well done, son.

My buddy Ricky Kingston has started blogging, and he's a sick and twisted individual.  If you want to check him out, go to The Insanity Of Rickey K ...I guarantee you won't be bored.

O.K., I think I'm gonna try to get some actual sleep tonight instead of walking through the apartment dragging chains behind me...that is, after I troll the internet for another hour or so, looking for mentions of my name.

Have a great weekend, y'all.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Sunday Bloody Sunday                               1657

Friday, September 9, 2005-12:14 P.M.

Last night's show at the Geneva Comedy Playhouse was interesting, to say the least.  I worked with Joe Mulligan, a headliner out of NYC who I never saw before; actually, I never even heard of him before!  He's a really nice guy, and extremely talented.  His online profile led me to understand that he was a guitar comic, and I enjoy that stuff, so I looked forward to our show.

After gassing up at BJ's wholesale club (cheapest gas in town...$3.23 a gallon), I headed off to Geneva, about 55 miles east of Rochester.  When I arrived at the Playhouse, Chris, the manager, told us that we only had two reservations.  With walk-ins, our total house was SIX!

Now the last time I played in front of six people was in West Palm Beach last June, and that was the show where I drank 11 shots of whiskey and went all ker-plooey on stage.  Last night, I passed on the alcohol and just did my show...or a variation thereof.

I sat on a chair, and talked to the group, two tables of three who were all seated right up to the stage.  There was Rachel and her brother Jay, and Jay's girlfriend Courtney.  At the other table, there was Quinn and another guy and a girl, and unfortunately, their names escape me.  I talked to them on a person-to-person basis, and again, snuck my material in to regular conversation so they didn't really feel like they were being "played" to, just talked to by a funny guy.  It was interesting.  This whole summer has been a kind of comedy exploration for me, and it feels good to get back to the roots of why I ever got on stage in the first place.  I think that will be the difference for me in making it in this business, along with getting in front of the right people, which I really need to start doing and not so much worrying about just making money week to week.

Joe did his set from a seated position as well, and did guitar improv stuff...he would get personal information from the folks in the audience and then compose funny songs about them in a style suggest by the audience.  He never seemed at a loss for what the next line would be, which means he's either the fastest man alive, or he's done this act so much that no one could possibly stump him.  At first, no one could suggest a style of music, so I yelled out "Irish protest song," and damn if he didn't nail it, complete with the Dublin accent...I felt like I was at a U2 concert, only if U2 were two comedians trapped in a small town on a Thursday night.

On the way home, I had some errands to run, including picking up some "items" for the wife.  Pamela, as all women do, has "her" product that she uses, and recently, it's become hard to find.  On a gig in Syracuse about six months ago, I wandered into a Wegman's and found that they carried the "item" she favors, and I bought out the shelf.  The plan last night was because I was already about 55 miles east, perhaps I would find a Wegmans that carried the brand she likes.  I was unable to find a Wegmans until I got back to Rochester, and after hunting through two of the suburban stores as well as a 24-hour CVS, I headed to the Wegmans just down the street from El Casa Ghetto (our house in the ghetto), and lo and behold, they carry them again!  I had two coupons, so that made the experience all the sweeter, not only did I not have to come home empty-handed (unthinkable) or with a substitute product (are you kidding me?), I actually found the right stuff and was able to save three bucks.  I'm a superhero!  I'm Pad Man!  I can hear the theme music now....na na na na na na na na na na na na PAD MAN!  BIFF!  POW!  SQUISH!

Alright, that was unnecessary.  I apologize.  O.K., hopefully tomorrow I'll have nice news to report about how the club was packed tonight...stay tuned, same Pad time, same Pad channel.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

p.s.  I always title these journal entries with a classic rock song name...I work really hard to match them up, I write the entry then try to think of a song that fits what I just wrote about.  Today's wrote itself pretty quickly, and I hope you appreciate it.

Irish protest music, indeed.......

Caught In The Middle

Caught In The Middle                                    1639

Wednesday, September 7, 2005-3:26 P.M.

Good afternoon from sunny Rochester, NY, where it's 80 degrees today, and excellent weather for drying clothing on the line.  I'm taking advantage of the nice weather to do some laundry today, and while Pamela is out running errands, playing on the floor with my baby daughter, Harmony.  Today, I decided that we would work on stacking blocks, and see how much hand/eye coordination the infant has developed, and the answer is not as much as I thought.  Because I'm never home, I sometimes don't have a grasp on what Harmony can and can't do, but I did find out that rather than stack blocks, she'd rather pound them together while I sing "Old MacDonald."  Maybe she's a percussionist instead of an engineer.  That's o.k., there's room enough in this world for both.  For lunch, we had cheese ravioli, and then when she had enough of that, we had honey-mustard pretzels for a snack.  It wasn't my idea; she grabbed the bag and handed it to me, which is toddler for "Gimme some pretzels, be-yotch!"

Business-wise, I've thrown my hat into the ring to participate in a Hurricane Katrina survivors benefit at the Acme Comedy Club in Minneapolis.  I called the club this afternoon and offered my services, and if they accept, I'll be performing there on September 28th.  This is my only day off that whole week, but I'd rather do something worthwhile than sit in a hotel room watching TV.  Also, it'll be a nice opportunity to introduce myself and showcase, and perhaps be able to add the club to my schedule next year.

I've started booking 2006, and it's slow going for the moment, and it looks as though I got myself caught in the crossfire again between two booking agencies.  Seems that I turned a gig down in a particular market from booker "A" because I already worked for booker "B" in that market.  It's a loyalty thing that people in our business have different opinions about, but I feel that if you work in a town for the first guy, you should only work for the second guy if the first guy's room goes out of business or specifically says that they're not interested in having you back.  So I passed on booker "A's" offer, and now they're all over my ass, saying I'm booker "B's" puppet, and I have no backbone, etc.  Truth be told, it sounds like a lot of griping because other comics are doing the same thing, and they don't like it.   Unfortunately, there are a lot of sketchy characters in the comedy business when it comes to stuff like this, and I have learned to steer clear whenever possible.

Fortunately, even though the specifics of the future are uncertain, I can always count on things to happen when I need them and not when I want them.  I have a wonderful family and I'll do whatever is necessary to provide for them, regardless of how many booking agencies I have to lose because I don't agree with their business practices.  I believe that there's more than enough work to go around for good comics, and I'm a good comic.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Hurricane

Hurricane                                                1624

Monday, September 5, 2005-4:48 P.M.

Happy Labor Day from Rochester, NY.  I'm home, and all of the news from Hurricane Katrina is finally sinking in.  My wife saves me the week's newspapers when I go on the road, and seeing all of the coverage and allowing it to register has made me a sobbing mess today.  As a father and a husband, my main concerns this past month have been how I can continue to make a living with the gas prices rising the way they have, and now I'm just thankful that my home is still standing, and my wife and daughter weren't whisked away in a wall of water.  Can you even imagine?

Saturday night's 8:00 P.M. show was great.  My buddy Ricky Kingston came down from Englewood and hung out, and got to see some of his fine written material work out on stage.  We had a great time doing the pal-around thing, and the first show was packed, but the second show was pretty light.  We had a heckler who couldn't get enough of the abuse, and finally, the staff removed him to the V.I.P. lounge that they keep out in the parking lot.  Nuts to him, that redneck loser.  Al Katz lost his mind on stage and started in with the Bush-bashing, which lost half the crowd, but the other half cheered and carried him off on their shoulders.  I don't understand how this country can be so completely split down the middle, it's as though one out of every two people have completely lost their minds.  I can say this...after this hurricane and the slow response by the federal government to get aid down to Louisiana, I wouldn't count on one black vote in the 2006 election for a Republican anything.  If I were a Republican, I would just tell people I was a Conservative and run that way.  It's elephant hunting season for sure.

My flight home was grueling, and today I'm still stiff from doing seven hours in airplanes and airports.  No yakking though, so I thank God for small favors.  I'm working close to home this week, the Comedy Playhouse in Geneva, NY, so that will give me some time to regroup.  Also, with gas at $3.50 a gallon (BJ's wholesale club hasit for $3.08), it will give me a chance to make some money before long roadtrips to D.C. and then the big one out ot Omaha, NE, Lexington, NE, Dickinson, ND, LaCrosse, WI and St. Cloud, MN.  In booking my 2006 year (which I haven't done yet), I may seriously have to reign in my touring radius, or do something drastic in terms of routing.

O.K., gotta go get milk for the baby.  And actually, it'll be nice paying less than $3.00 a gallon for something.

Enjoy the last day of Summer, and keep in mind that God has a wonderful plan for all of us, and that He put us on Earth, not to fail and suffer, but to succeed and minister to each other's needs.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY 

Eat The Rich

Eat The Rich                                                                   1602

Saturday, September 3, 2005-5:16 P.M.

Well, it's another day here in sunny Florida, and I'm counting the minutes until I get to return home.  Flying in to the gig was o.k., but without a car, I feel stranded.  Normally, I would go to the mall and walk around, shop at thrift stores and the like, take in sights, go to garage sales, anything to escape being trapped in a hotel room, but today, the only respite was hanging out with headliner Al Katz (www.alkatz.net) for lunch at the delicious Firehouse Subs (why we don't have these in NY is beyond me) and then some side trips to Barnes & Nobles and Wal-Mart where we saw a black transsexual with stunning fake breasts.  Al failed to observe the "one block" rule, which is you wait until the person passes at least one block before you start verbally mocking them.  He didn't seem to care.  Am I the only one who thinks this is too rude?

Last night, I made the acquaintance of two young ladies, both named Nicole.  They were sitting up front, and we traded barbs back and forth, as I'm starting to do more and more on stage now for some reason.  Al got into a whole thing with one of the Nicoles about sushi...what was sushi, and what wasn't, and what sushi actually means.  Sushi is taken to mean "raw," but actually means "little bits o' fish."  They do have cooked sushi, deep fried, tempura, etc. and this was the source of the confusion.  The show was good, anyway, and the Nicoles were very nice.  I should have taken a picture of them for the journal...Nicoles, if you're out there, send me a picture!

There's a dance club next to the Laugh In Comedy Cafe, and it's actually the home of the Buffalo Bills fan club down here in southwest Florida.  Pity the Bills lost to the Lions, but thankfully, it's only preseason and I didn't have to watch.

Today, my good old friend Ricky Kingston, a former New Yorker who has transplanted himself down here in FL is coming down to hang out with Al and myself at the club.  It will be good to see him; I have too few friends and too little time to hang around with the ones I have.  It will definitely be cool for Ricky to be at the show, because he's written more than one line in my act, and I want him to see the stuff in action.  One of them is a money-in-the-bank applause break...I'm so excited!

Tomorrow's gonna hurt a little bit...I have to get up at 6:00 A.M. for a 9:00 A.M. flight, and a two-hour layover in Chicago.  I'll use the time to work on my book, and I have stuff to read, too, if I don't feel like writing.

Keep your powder dry and I'll report back from Rochester tomorrow afternoon.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Dear God

Dear God                                                          1588

Friday, September 2, 2005-6:42 P.M.

I have just spent the last hour or so in my hotel room reading about the hurricane in New Orleans.  I've read the paper, watched CNN, and read about it on the internet.

No one deserves to have their life and possessions destroyed the way that many of these people have.  The thousands of poor, clinging to what little they had, were right in the path of the storm.  Even lower class people had means to drive away or get away...the poor clung to what little scraps they had.  And now they're gone.  Looters are pillaging the city, showing the desperation of people who can't find food and water, much less shelter.  It's enough to make a man drop to his knees and pray.

Lord, hear my prayer.

Lord, please ease the suffering of the victims of Hurricane Katrina.  Please help them reassemble their lives as best as they can, as best as you allow.  Please ease the painful mourning of those who lost loved ones in the devastation, let them know that their friend or relative is in your arms and sharing in your peace.

Lord, hear my prayer.

Lord, please work in the hearts of everyone to help do your awesome work on Earth.  Make available the funds to donate, the food to offer, the strength to help and the time to care.

Lord, hear my prayer.

Lord, thank you for the mercies you have shown me.  Thank you that I am fed every day, and don't worry about where I will live.  Thank you for the friends and family that love me, and thank you for returning me safely to them wherever I go.

Lord, hear my prayer.

Lord, I can't know your wisdom, and why terrible things happen.  I only know that you have a plan, and it is good.  Lord, continue to bless the faithful and have mercy on us all.

Lord, hear my prayer.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Jet Airliner

Jet Airliner                                                          1588

Friday, September 2, 2005-10:30 A.M.

Good morning from sunny Fort Myers, Florida, where the gas is $3.00 a gallon and there isn't anything anyone can do about it.  There are gas stations where literally every pump has an "out of service" cover over the handle, and it's starting to look like 1979 all over again.  You think Jimmy Carter was an ineffective president, this Bush is going to go down in history as the worst of the worst.  Who expects a lousy economy during wartime?  Wars are supposed to help the economy, not create a recession.

All bitching aside, my 10 hours of airplanes and airports was the worst I've ever experienced.  I had a one hour and ten minute layover in Cleveland, but because I misread my ticket, I thought I only had ten minutes until my plane took off, and I was running through Cleveland-Hopkins airport like O.J. in a Hertz commercial.  When I finally settled down, I had some nice Burger King food which settled me down considerably.  I only had about 45 minutes sleep the night before, because my baby daughter refused to go to sleep and kept me and the wife awake with all her crying.  I still wouldn't trade her for a sack of gold coins, I tell you what.

Cleveland to Atlanta, the flight was fine, but culminated in a 3 1/2 hour layover.  I went insane trying to kill the time, and ate lunch at Popeye's, sampling their delicious new naked chicken strips and working on my book.  Gosh, having a laptop computer to travel with sure does make a difference!

On the flight from Atlanta to Fort Myers, I finally passed out, and when I awoke, the plane was spinning in circles to the left.  I grabbed a barf bag and lost about two chicken strips.  Needless to say, the damn plane was packed, so there was no privacy, and the stinking drink service was coming through, so I couldn't get up and dispose of my newly acquired carry-on luggage.  Definitely a low point in my air travel career.

The hotel shuttle got me to the Holiday Inn Select, where I slept the sleep of the damned for about 90 minutes, then showered and met headliner Al Katz in the lobby where he whisked me to the Laugh Inn Comedy Cafe.  It was open mic night before the regular show, which cut me down to about 15 minutes, and I made the most of it.  I harangued the crowd a little bit before getting into my canned stuff, and basically did the dirtiest show I possibly could have.  They loved it, and after the show, Al and I hit the gas station where I watched a Florida Jew pump gas at $3.01 a gallon.  I took a picture of him pumping and scowling, which will grace this journal when I get the film developed.  It was priceless.

Two acts on the bill were quite notable last night; Bryan Hamilton (www.bhcomedy.com) and the mc duo Buddy and Honey (www.buddyandhoney.com) who were great to hang out with and a lot of fun to watch on stage.  Look them up if you have time.

Today, it's Chinese buffet with Al and hopefully some rest.  My body is all aches and pains from the planes, and even though I've lost enough weight that I can fasten my safety belt without the extender, I'm still pretty cramped on the planes and I hurt pretty bad today.

Be good wherever you are.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY