Thunder and Lightning

Thunder and Lightning                              4660  (510)

Thursday, May 11, 2006- 4:44 CDT

Hello from Minot, North Dakota, on the other side of the Continental Divide (if you're an Easterner like myself) and the latest stop on the never-ending Ralph Tetta Comedy Tour.

Now, I don't wanna cry poor or anything, but the drive out here was 1,671 miles...I definitely have to learn to route better.  I left Rochester, NY after securing an oil change on my soon-to-be departed Toyota Corolla, and got moving around 11 A.M. on Tuesday, ready to make the charge towards the Upper Prairies of America and my final destination of Williston, North Dakota.

I took advantage of my time in the car by calling bookers with my cell phone, trying to secure work for the Fall.  I learned a couple of years ago that you have to keep on top of that sort of thing, or you wind up with big unemployed holes in your schedule.  I didn't get anything, but got in touch with a couple of folks that I need to contact on Friday for work.  It's all timing with the booking agents, you just have to be patient.  One booker confided in me that he booked three months of dates for a one-nighter that was on Thursday, and he booked it for Wednesday.  That's at least 24 comics that have to be called and notified that they're unemployed, and a possible 24 new calls to fill the dates....not fun, and I know because I've been there.

On the NYS Thruway, an asshole passed me at about 85 miles an hour.  I'm not calling him an asshole because he was 20 miles over the speed limit, I'm calling him an asshole because he had a HUGE Pittsburgh Steelers emblem on his back window.  Steelers fans are dicks, they used to gloat over their 70's Super Bowls like it was yesterday, now they finally won another one and we have to listen to them for another 35 years.  Swell.  I was overly sensitive about the speeding thing because I got two speeding tickets in two different states the last two months, so I was pacing myself as not to get into trouble.  The Steelers fan found himself pulled over about 20 miles down the road from where he passed me, and as I breezed by him at a respectable 5 miles over the speed limit, I gave him a little head nod....one for the thumb, if you will.

I didn't have to stop for gas until I was well into Ohio, and I noticed gas prices going down significantly from the New York State raping that I've become accustomed to.  I paid 2.71 a gallon for regular unleaded, and haven't seen it that cheap since.  The average seems to be hovering around 2.89 nationally, or at least up through Wisconsin, Minnesota and North Dakota.

I was planning on driving until I hit Minnesota, but just couldn't pull it off.  I got just past Eu Claire to the town of Knapp, Wisconsin, and had to pull into a rest area to get some sleep.  I wound up sleeping for about three hours or so, and got up as the sun was rising.  I noticed that a couple who had pulled in to the parking lot a few spots away from me had devised a clever system to keep their truck dark enough to sleep in...they put black plastic garbage bags over all their windows.  That's a trick that I'll have to remember.

I drove through Minneapolis and listened to some of the worst morning drive talk radio I've ever heard in my life.  The jocks were boring, uninspiring and repetetive.  Radio sometimes makes me laugh because it's the only field where if you fail in other endeavors (comedy, politics, show business), they welcome you with open arms.  It's a level of quasi-celebrity that attracts the folks who want to be well known and liked, but just don't have the tools to get it done themselves.  And I will be the first one to throw myself under the bus, because I worked in radio for a long time as a fledling standup comic because I thought it would help my career.  It didn't, and exhibit A should be that I was sleeping in my car in a truck stop in Knapp, Wisconsin.

I continued my drive through Minnesota, and by the time I hit Fargo, North Dakota, the rain had gotten heavy and my back tires, balding to the point of embarassment, had ceased to hug the road and I had to stop and get new ones.  I didn't want to spend the money, and I'm planning on getting rid of this car any day now, but I couldn't guarantee that I wasn't going to go sliding off the road into a ravine, so I bit the pillow and got two new all-seasons to the tune of 140 bucks.  The rain stopped and the skies cleared up exactly one hour later.  Still, with almost 2,000 miles still left before I got home, it was nice to feel secure that my vehicle wouldn't just go careening into oncoming traffic after a wheel exploded.

Later, I drove through the Little Missouri National Grassland, a national park that consists of a road going through a valley, but a valley filled with hills, if you can imagine that.  There were no guardrails, and the speed limit was 65 mph, and it was possibly the most dangerous road I've ever been on in my life.  Also, I had been in the car for 30 hours with only a few hours of sleep, and I was hallucinating.

I got to the hotel in Williston just a couple of hours before showtime, and I was able to check in, iron a shirt and have a nice, relaxing hot shower to get ready for the show.  I was upset that I didn't have time for a nap, but made up for it when I fell asleep while putting on my socks.

The gig was at a club across the parking lot from the hotel called P. Nuttz, a sports bar with bowls of peanuts on the tables and shells on the floor.  I met the headliner, Fred Bevill, and the owner of the club, Mike Smith, and we shot the breeze while the crowd trickled in.  At first, it looked like it was gonna be a real bomb, but the room filled up, and we started only about half an hour late (not a good sign, mind you, but the club was new so I forgave).  I took the stage, which was a triangle style job in the corner of the room, and noticed that dead center of the front of the stage, there was a steel pole.  Not thick enough to be a strip-club pole, mind you, but just thick enough to be in my way for the evening.  I used it to my advantage, leaning on it rather than holding myself up as I was devoid of energy caused by denying myself proper food and sleep for 30 hours.

The show was good and I sold one CD after the show, which was one more than I thought I wood.  Fred and I got along well, and it looks like it's going to be a good weekend here in Minot, which was only a couple of hours to the east (and went a long way toward sending me closer to home).  After I checked in, Fred and I ate lunch in the hotel restaurant, which I found out is open 24 hours a day.  That's a break, because it basically means I don't have to leave the hotel if I don't want to, and I don't want to because I got a great parking spot up front.

Crowds may be sparse at the show this weekend because Minot State University is holding their graduation ceremony on Friday night, and college towns usually become ghost towns after graduation.  Still, I'm happy to be working and I'll give the folks who show up the best performance I possibly can.  The local paper printed a list of the graduates by name and home state and town, and come to find out, there's a young man from Irondequoit, New York (just outside of Rochester!) who's getting his masters degree this weekend.  My other Rochester sighting this week was a guy in a blue Honda Civic that I passed (twice) on the route 94 who had New York plates, and a Dick Ide Honda license plate holder (Dick Ide being a car dealer in Rochester).

Viva La Raza!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY