Breakfast In America

Breakfast In America                                      4681  (531)

Saturday, May 13, 2006-11:02 CDT

Whim Wham Woozle, bitches!

I'm sorry...that's a line from the Futurama episode that spoofs Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, where Fry, Leela and the gang go visit the Slurm factory, and when I woke up this morning, for some reason it was stuck in my head.  Also, Slurms McKenzie (the Ultimate Party Worm) didn't say "bitches," but it seemed to fit, so I put it in there.  It was in my head, and I had to get it out, so now you're stuck with it.  Deal.

It's a beautiful morning here at the International Inn in Minot, North Dakota, and so far, it's been a pretty good weekend.  The show Thursday night was well attended, but somewhere along the line, I had to fight for my life on stage because they just weren't digging what I do.  I called a table full of middle-aged women "bingo ladies," and they treated me like I was the Antichrist.  They were really offended!  The crowd was really chatty and unfocused, and even though I got laughs, it was still that ugly, "gotta take a shower" feeling after the show.  I didn't do what I usually do, there was no ingratiating myself to the audience, connecting with them, and I just started getting self-deprecating (not necessary) and abusive (also not necessary).  After the show, headliner Fred Bevill and I retreated to the Primo for a late breakfast and a chance to perform the autopsy on the show, and while he was quite apologetic, blaming the mc, blaming the audience, the duty to make them laugh rested squarely on my shoulders and I would not shirk the blame.

Friday, Fred and I met up and had lunch at a local buffet restaurant called the Royal Fork, which we thought might be a Chinese place, but was more like home-style cookery.  I had a nice salad, some fried chicken and mashed potatoes, and then we headed across the parking lot to the mall to seek out the movie theater.  We decided to check out Mission Impossible 3, and killed some time shopping before the movie started (we had about 40 minutes to kill).

After traipsing around the rather limited shopping mall, we got to the theater and watched the movie.  They showed about 100 previews, commercials, snack bar adverts, and all in all about half an hour's worth of stuff that was not the movie.  By the time the movie was actually over, I was fidgeting in my seat like a 5-year old at the DMV.

Now, I used to do movie reviews and the like (several years ago), and the temptation is to use this space to do the same, but there are others more qualified to do that, so I'll simply say that I enjoyed the film but wasn't overly impressed with the script, and leave it at that.  The experience gave birth to a bit that I used on stage last night, and it went over pretty well, and I may use it for the duration of the summer, or the film's run, whichever ends first (I'm betting on the summer to go the distance on this one).

Afterwards, it was back to the ranch to get ready for the show, and the hotel was already starting to fill up with Minot State University students and their families, the graduation ceremonies having commenced earlier in the day.  When I learned that the college was graduating, I figured that our show would be a big bust, with everyone's attention being drawn elsewhere, but I was assured that because graduation was during the day, we'd have huge crowds for our show at night.

We wound up having a decent show, but it was only half the room's worth, but the people were right on point.  They were focused and enjoyed the show, and I had a really good set.  It's very important for me to have a dynamite show right after a disappointing one, because I need to get the monkey off my back and prove to myself that I'm still funny.  It's obsessive, I know, but that's how I am and it's not like I developed that trait yesterday.  If I detailed for you the rituals I go through getting ready for a show, you'd think I was nuts (if you don't already think that now) and I wonder sometimes if I eliminated all of the things in my life that I do "just because," would I be happier?  And the answer is, "probably not."

After the show, which I should say, was fantastic all around, Fred absolutely destroyed, we headed back to Primo's for a late breakfast.  Our server, a middle-aged Asian lady with a surprisingly round rump (you don't see that ever, do you?) who was our server the night before, was flying around like a dead leaf in a tornado, even though there were only four tables seated in the whole restaurant.  Our service was friendly and polite, if not excruciatingly slow, but she gave us a $5 each discount, as she did the night before.  Apparently, there's a coupon that you get when you check in to the hotel, but it's only for the high-rollers who rent out the suites, and she said because we were the comics, we must have just forgot our coupons up in the room.  Sometimes, inefficient customer service works out in your favor.

Today, we have two shows, although the prospect of the late show actually happening is a little foggy.  If it doesn't come down, the question is there whether or not I start dog-legging it back to New York, or get a good night's sleep, start early in the morning, and hit the road with daylight and fresh horses.  I can't do a thing to make it happen one way or the other, so I'm just going to rest up today so that I can drive confidently that I haven't been awake all day and only have a few hours of energy reserves to get me closer to home.  I might hit the big North Dakota State Fairgrounds, which are right down the street, and check out the flea market that starts today.  It'll get me out of the hotel room to gets some air and a little walking-around excercise.

Have a great weekend, and I'll check in with you all later as to my travel plans.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY