Everything Is Broken

Everything is Broken                           4737  (587)

Saturday, May 20, 2006-11:16 A.M.

You know, normally I write this journal, just free-flowing the events of the past few days, and at the end, I come up with an appropriate song to tie the whole thing together.  But today is different; I know so much of what I want to speak about, the theme of the last few days, that the song presented itself before I even started writing; and that song is "Everything Is Broken" by Bob Dylan.

When last I wrote, I was detailing the trip back from Minot, North Dakota, and I failed to mention that my trusty old war wagon, the 1996 Toyota Corolla with no name, had topped the 300,000 mile mark.  It happened somewhere on the New York State Thruway between Buffalo and Rochester, the last leg of the journey home, and I didn't stop to say a few words or offer up a little ceremony, I just soldiered on and arrived home.  For history's sake, and as I hope someday my daughter will read over these journals to find out what exactly her father's life was like (and what killed him at a young age), she'll find out that the car hit that venerable milestone sometime between 1 and 2 P.M., Monday, May 15, 2006.

The car is in great shape, and horrible shape, all at the same time, if that's possible.  Through the dilligent use of synthetic oil, the engine is strong, reliable, and free of wear.  I've blown rods on two other cars due to my ignorance in the importance of changing oil and maintaining a vehicle, and I've decided to have no more of that.

And yet, despite the wonderful, dependable state of the engine of the vehicle, the items that are in need of repair are daunting and insurmountable; consider this:

1.  There is an oil leak in the engine area, and the oil is getting on the timing belt.  Whether or not this will cause the belt to slip off it's moorings (and the vehicle to come to a dead stop) is questionable, but also the effects of oil on the belt causing it's rubber to break down and snap have also been offered as a possibility.  Not good.

2.  The air conditioning is no longer working, as parts of it have completely disintegrated.  Recharging the AC is not a possibility, as the freon would just dissipate into the atmosphere, leaving me sweaty and unrefreshed.

3.  Road salt from several northern winters has begun a slow decay of the radiator.  Just the right hot day and a long road trip and it's goodnight, Bessie.

4.  The rear driver's side door is mechanically frozen into the locked position.  It doesn't open for love nor money.

5.  The trunk no longer opens by key, you must use the interior latch release by the driver's seat, next to the gas cap release.  Through constant use, I snapped the latch off, and had to drill a hole in it and stick a small screwdriver into it as a temporary handle.  Yesterday, pulling into Greensboro, North Carolina, the screwdriver bent and no longer operates the latch.  I had to retrieve items from the trunk by putting the back seats down and crawling in like I was fishing Saddam out of a spider-hole.  Luckily, nothing was bigger than the aperature, or it would have turned into Al Capone's vault back there.

6.  The passenger side seat belt doesn't work, because the latch lost a spring.  I still have the spring, but it's mangled beyond use.  Not a big thing, as long as I don't have any passengers.

7.  My "check engine" light is on.  This might be due to the oil leak, but whatever it is, the light's been on for almost a year.  I just consider it part of my private light show.

8.  The radio doesn't light up with the rest of the dashboard at night when the lights are on.  It's probably just a bulb, but I'm not savvy enough to start opening shit up and trying to replace it.

9.  There's a ding in the windshield, courtesy of a gravel truck in Minnesota, more fun from last week's helldrive back from North Dakota.  I've got full glass coverage, but at this point, what's the use?  The only reason to get the glass fixed is to make it slightly less unattractive to a prospective buyer.

10.  The back reflective lens is cracked, and there's a crumple damage area over the right rear wheel well.  Those defects have been there so long, I don't even consider them.

11.  I'm missing a wheel cover on the back right tire.  One day, I went out to the car, and it just wasnt' there.  That was the beginning of the end.

12.  There are plenty of miscellaneous scrapes, tears and stains in the passenger compartment, some could be fixed with super glue, some not at all, but they reflect 1,000 miles a week on the road for the last (almost) five years.  Shit happens.

Yeah, the car ain't pretty, but it gets me from here to (way over) there.  I honestly don't know if I could find a buyer with all that stuff wrong with it, but to the right person who knows how to fix stuff, it could be quite a gem.  Hey, I almost said that with a straight face!

Not to say that that's the only place where stuff is broken.  Earlier this week, the fan/light fixture in my home office blew a bulb, so I got the stepladder out and went about replacing the bulb.  I changed the bulb, and when I did, a small screw fell out of the unit.  I put it back (I think) in the correct spot, and now the light doesn't work.  The fan still works, which is nice, but that brings the count up to three rooms in my apartment that have switch/fixture problems with the overhead lights.  We have to get an electrician to come in, but the general rule is that we don't have servicemen come to the house unless I'm home, because my wife, mother-in-law and aunt-in-law (who is also our landlord) feel that because they're all female, that a serviceman will try to give them the old dippity-do and screw them out of money for unnecessary repairs because they're female and don't know about such things.  I guess they have a point.

What else is broken?  Well, I guess you could say that my home computer isn't operating up to snuff.  We had to take it in a few weeks ago for a replacement of the video card, and now the video is working fine, but we're getting an error message that our copy of Windows may be counterfeit (that's never happened before) and it's not a big deal, but you shouldn't get something fixed only to find that something else is now wrong that wasn't wrong before it got fixed.  Also, our DVD burner is no long burning DVD's, which means I have no DVD's to sell on the road.  I have CD's for days, so it's not a mechanical thing, but all the tricks we've tried to get it up and running have so far been fruitless.  I'm about to abandon all technology and go Amish, although I'm on the fence about that because I think the beard might itch.

So I'm in Greensboro, North Carolina, working at the Comedy Zone, a club that worships and reveres me, even though they always look at me like I'm a damn Yankee come to hornswoggle them out of money and despoil their women (which, to be honest....).  Last night I found out that Chris Wiles, the local hero/house mc, was on vacation in Europe, so I didn't have to battle over the hump of working with him.  He's well-beloved, and hard to follow.  I do o.k., but not like I'm used to doing.

Instead, Charlotte's own Ryan V. was our host, and he's a good kid, but no Chris Wiles.  I hit the stage and my right foot got caught on a step, breaking my shoelace in two places.  The double-knotted bow ripped right off!  I worked the whole set worrying whether or not my shoe was gonna go flying off.  I planted my right foot and pivoted the whole set like I was a Chucky Cheese band member.  I had a good show, but it was weird, and at the end, I copped to the broken shoelace and got a big round of applause, and when I left the stage, I found the busted part that had fallen off and held it high so that everyone could see it.

I did the second show with a knotted-together mess of a shoelace, but it held.  The second show was a typical Friday late show....young, drunk kids, and plenty of them.  I got a shot of Jagermeister sent up to me moments upon taking the stage, and that was the beginning of the end.  I had a good show, but it was a total knife-fight, and it wasn't like it was just one table that I had to battle, it was everyone.  I finished up and left the building, heading back to the hotel to detoxify myself and get some food.  I was worried about doing the shot on an empty stomach, but as of this morning, I'm o.k.  I'm on a couple of medications that specifically say not to drink alcohol, but it wasn't a big shot and I'm pretty big to begin with, so I took my chances.  I took my regular evening medications, ate some lousy McDonald's food (the only thing open near the hotel) and went to sleep.

Well, what else could possibly be broken?  I'll tell you, gentle reader.  When I arrived here at the luxurious Red Carpet Inn here in Greensboro, I was delighted to see that my room is outfitted with a fridge and a microwave.  I won't be here long enough to use them, but it's a nice touch and an upgrade since I was here last.  But the bathroom sink had no stopper!  I wanted to shave, and need a bowl of water to work over, to rinse the razor, wet my face, etc.  I improvised a stopper by taking a wad of toilet tissue, rolling it to the appropriate size, ie: a bullet-shapped plug to fit the drain.  I wrapped the wad with the plastic wrap from one of the disposable plastic cups, making a semi-waterproof drain plug that lasted long enough for me to shave off six days of beard growth (which, yes, itched like a motherfucker).

I did get one nice surprise, and that is the night auditor recognized me from the last time I was here, and hipped me to the wireless internet that the Red Carpet just got.  He passed me the access code, which I guess they don't hand out to the regular guests, meaning I get to use wireless all day today, and then the hotel that I'm staying at tomorrow in Fayetteville has the wireless.  It's so much more convenient than doing the dial-up thing.

Play nice today, and don't break anything.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY