Drive

Drive                           4707  (557)

Tuesday, May 15, 2006-8:50 P.M.

WARNING!  If the idea of discussing POLITICS or RELIGION makes you angry, DO NOT READ THIS POST!!!  (Especially the end!)

I'm back home from my nut-busting trip from Minot, North Dakota to Rochester, NY, and it only took me 27 1/2 hours to make the 1,558 mile jaunt.

Saturday night was an unworthy denoument to an otherwise fun week.  After Minot State University graduated on Friday, the town became a ghost city...I swear to God, a tumbleweed (a real tumbleweed like in the movies) hit my car!  I'm not lying!  I laughed out loud like I never have before!  The show was a bust, a small crowd full of the rudest people you'd ever want to get stuck in front of, and a bachelorette party, to boot!  Headliner Fred Bevill left the stage after his set and spit on the ground and vowed never to come back to.....let me try and remember his words exactly....."this piece of shit club."  And he did well!  Fred Bevill's a good comic, and I was glad to share the stage with him this week.  We were going to try and check out the flea market at the State Fairgrounds, but Fred got tired after our Chinese lunch, and I got there exactly 20 minutes after it closed.  Fuck.

I shook the dust of Minot off my heels at approximately 10:30 (EDT), and started off on the long journey home.  I passed through the towns of Velva and Jamestown, North Dakota, the homes of newsman Eric Sevareid and Major League ballplayer Darin Erstad of the 2002 World Champion Anaheim Angels.  I don't know why that sort of thing appeals to me, knowing the celebrity birthplaces, but I think it's cool that anyone from anywhere can eventually become a famous person in any kind of field.  Although, to be truthful, I guess after media, entertainment, politics and sports, there's not a lot of other fields that are really in the public eye.

I made it into Minnesota just a little after 2:00, and then got to Wisconsin about 7:30.  It started raining and there was construction, and that went a long way towards keeping me from getting home in a timely fashion, but I clenched my teeth and kept moving.  I hit Chicago around 1:00 P.M., and then spent the better part of an hour getting lost in construction detours.  I wound up in Calumet City and was largely disoriented until I found State Line Road, a residential street that runs North to South and is literally the state line between Illinois and Indiana.  I pulled into a Mobil gas station with huge overhead lights and consulted my road atlas, and found that I was only six blocks away from the 90 Thruway, which would take me the rest of the way home.  I was in a very bad neighborhood, and with the added rain and pitch darkness (very few streetlights for some reason), I was pretty scared for a little while.

I kept soldiering on, and made it to South Bend/Mishawaka, Indiana, before I decided that I better get some sleep.  It was pushing 4 A.M., and I figured that a couple of hours of sleep would do me good.  I pulled into a rest stop and parked among the truckers who were bedded down for the night in their sleeper cabs.  I slept until about 6:30 and then got back on the road.

By the time I arrived home, it was about 2 P.M., and I was tired, but thanks to Sugar-Free Red Bull, I was wide awake.  I had an argument with the clerk at the Angola Service Oasis about the addictive properties of energy drinks.  I took the stance that they were not addictive, although they probably are because caffeine is addictive, but she was a droopy little noodge who was so cocky I felt like I had to take her down a peg.

The thing that kept me really going on the whole journey (besides the energy drinks...I can quit whenever I want) was the phone calls to family, friends and loved ones.  I can listen to music, talk radio, or even books on tape, but nothing passes the time like good conversation.  I caught up with my brother Christopher and we talked for about an hour (my niece Olivia made daddy give up the phone so she could talk to me, too) and we discussed everything from our beloved Buffalo Bills to how our mother is doing, the tour, his new job and everything in between.  He recently picked up the movie "Second String" which was a made-for-TV movie about the Buffalo Bills and a fictitious season in which all their offensive starters got food poisoning and how a quarterback off the waiver wire helped lead them to the championship, despite a coach who didn't believe in him or want to give him a chance.  I asked Chris how he liked it, and he said he cried.  Well, we both did, so there's nothing to be ashamed about.  It's a pretty cookie-cutter sports film, but for Buffalo Bills fans, it's like a love letter...it gets you right in the chest.

Also, I spoke with comedy buddy/Los Angeles legend Steve Burr.  Steve is working on a radio show for Sirius Sattelite Radio called "The Three Things You Never Talk About," and he has asked me to be on the panel of his demo episode.  We're going to record it in Rochester with a live comedy club audience on Monday, June 26th.  The premise of the show is that it will be a panel-type talk show centering on politics, religion and sports.  I told Steve that the three things are actually politics, religion and sex, not sports, but it's freely up to interpretation.  Also on the panel will be Jaime Lissow (Jaime, Steve and I are performing at the Comix Cafe that week, so it's very convenient), and rounding out our group is Marianne Sierk and Mike Dambra, two very talented comics who are also friends of ours.  Mark Wiedmann, an emerging comic talent here in Rochester, has been tapped to be our "man in the street" taking audience questions.  It's a good group with a lot of excellent parts.

I got picked, not only because of my enormous comic talent, but because of my insight into politics and religion (I'm a ham 'n' egger when it comes to talking sports, but I can spit out cliche's with the best of them) and the fact that I'm a blustery blowhard with an opinion about everything and I'm not afraid to ram it down everyone's throat.  I don't mind that role; when I was in high school, the yearbook committee my senior year labeled me "chronic complainer," and if I can carve a show-biz niche for myself by bitching about current events, then I will.  I guess that the only thing I'm concerned about is that the panel will skew too hard to the left, with no dissenting viewpoint.  That can lead to a boring show.  I know Mike's politics, and he's along the same lines that I am, and maybe I'm judging Marianne and Jaime as being more left-leaning than they are. 

Truthfully, it sounds like an awesome show and I'm flattered to have been chosen to be on it.  I'm getting to work with some very funny people, and even though I'm a role player, I feel like the show will be richer for my contribution.  If you're in the Rochester area on Monday, June 26th and you're interested in attending the taping, let me know and I'll arrange for you to get in.  If you want more information about the show, Steve Burr is your man and I'll forward all inquiries to him.

O.K., the mundane task of laundry beckons as I get ready for my return to Greensboro, North Carolina this weekend.  I also want to spend some time with Pam and Harmony...it's good to spend time with the family; it reminds me why I'm doing all of this stuff.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY