LoveWill Tear Us Apart 4774 (624)
Friday, May 25, 2006-12:38 A.M.
A wiser man than me once said, "Better a hell gig than no gig." And he was right.
I'm in Spring Lake, Michigan, just a hop, skip and a drunken stumble from Muskegon, Michigan, a delightful little burg on the eastern shores of Lake Michigan. The scene of the crime is the Spring Lake Holiday Inn, home of Jack's Lounge and the weekly debacle that is Thursday night comedy. I've played this room five times, and never really done well with the hecklers, drunks and children who seat themselves throughout the room, spacing themselves away from each other like every third person has the bird flu.
Tonight, though, the unthinkable happened. I had a great show! And by great, I mean the time flew, the material was working, and the ad-libs were quick and funny. It's almost like I had a team of writers in my head, and they kept handing down post-it notes with jokes on them for my mouth to say. Perhaps the late start had something to do with it; our show was at 9:30 rather than the traditional 8:00 start.
I started out my day thinking that the show was at 8:00, and I had a 490 mile drive in front of me. Counting on an average speed of 70 mph, I was looking at a seven-hour drive, possible seven and a half, counting on stops for gas, plus traveling through Canada to cut time off the trip and having to pass through customs for inspection. I wound up not getting to sleep last night until late, so I set my alarm for 8:30 A.M. and decided to take my chances.
I woke up shortly after 8 and decided to get moving. I showered and packed, and started humping gear out to my car. I was greeted by the sight of a dead squirrel in the driveway, and not just any dead squirrel; this one looked like the neighborhood cats hunted him down and made a meal out of him. There was a thing near the carcass that looked like an organ, but I couldn't identify it...picture a mandarin orange slice, except a pale yellow color. I'm no animal biologist, but I'm thinking it was pretty important to the squirrel to keep him functioning and living, along with his head which was no longer there, either. I disposed of the critter with the help of a shovel, and I marveled at what a pussy I am when it comes to dead animals. I suppose that's a good trait to have, what with rabies and all the other animal-based diseases that are out there. Oddly enough, by the time I got to the Burger King drive-thru, I had no problem ordering the sausage 'n' cheese croissants...I was able to block out the nausea of seeing dead animal long enough to order myself a dead animal breakfast.
The funny thing about seeing the dead squirrel is that currently, we have a squirrel infestation problem in our attic. They've chewed their way in and have started pulling down our insulation, just causing a general disturbance. I've been waiting for the summer, when they will probably vacate the attic as being too hot, to seal the hole and not actually trap one of them inside; a trapped squirrel can become a savage fighting machine, and rip holy hell out of your window moldings trying to free itself. And yet, seeing my rodent adversary ripped asunder, I felt sorry for him. It made me wonder about the nature of "enemies," how it's easy to hate until we see our nemesis in a weakened, helpless state (or worse). I imagined the squirrel's last moments alive, with a cat, four or five times his size, sinking teeth and claws into him, biting down hard and shaking the life out of him. I hate having squirrels in my attic, but never wished this kind of death on them. I just want them out. It was a weird way to start the morning.
The trip through Canada and into Michigan was a bitch, because it was good 'n' hot, and I have no air conditioning. Luckily, it cooled off as I got closer to Lake Michigan, but I had a pretty sweat-soaked shirt when I arrived. I got slowed down in construction traffic going through Lansing, and just as I crossed over the Canadian border into Michigan, I missed my interchange and wound up caught in a construction detour down around the northern suburbs of Detroit. I still wound up getting to the hotel here in Spring Lake about two and a half hours before the show, plenty of time to get a nap, shower and a nice salad before showtime.
The NBA playoffs almost made our show less than the success it was, but Michigan's beloved Detroit Pistons wound up beating the Miami Heat to even the series, and it made everyone in the room happy. The last two or three years, it seems that I'm always in Michigan during the playoffs, and the Pistons have been in the hunt for the championship the last five years or so. It's better, I suppose, than playing in Phoenix, Arizona in front of hapless Cardinals football fans and looking back into their blank, hopeless faces.
Tomorrow it's off to Merrillville, Indiana, home of Wisecracker's Comedy Club at the Raddison Star Plaza hotel. It's a cute little gig, but nothing to write home about, and the beautiful accomodations just barely make up for the substandard pay and lackluster audiences. It's a calendar-filler job, but if I want to keep calling myself a comedian, I feel like I need to be peforming somewhere every week, and getting paid for it. Wisecrackers fills the bill.
I'm working with headliner J. Scott Homan out of Knoxville, Tennessee. He's a good comic and a nice guy to work with, and he really knocked it out of the park tonight, despite a drive just a little longer than mine and a good amount of liquor in him. We should have a fun weekend, despite the Memorial Day holiday and what may turn into lousy crowds, if at all.
Off to sleep now, and another update coming maybe Saturday morning. Hopefully, no more dead animals to report on. Or dead crowds.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
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