Ten Miles From Nowhere

Ten Miles From Nowhere                                4279  (239)

Monday, April 17, 2006-11:48 P.M. CDT

Good evening from Thief River Falls, Minnesota, home of the Black Cat Tavern, the Best Western, and not much else.  Seriously, the biggest town close by to here is Grand Forks, North Dakota, and the town is 56 miles away from Manitoba, Canada, which is by far the most desolate of the inhabited Canadian provinces.  O.K., maybe that's not fair, but even if I'm wrong, what's the difference?  There is fuck all up here in Northern Minnesota, and the horizon only offers the promise of more nothing.

Easter Sunday I drove 820 miles, dreamt of chocolate and felt sorry for myself.  I didn't have any unscheduled improptu automobile maintenance to deal with, knock on wood, and after the first 200 miles, my sphincter loosened up and I was able to drive like a young person instead of a grandmother on her way to bingo.  I wound up bunking in the town of Tomah, Wisconsin, which was my goal, and today I had a solid 480 miles to drive through some of the most desolate country I've ever seen.

My engine was a little low on oil so I added a couple of quarts that I had the foresight to pick up at a Wal-Mart on the way...you never know on those holiday weekends if you're going to find synthetic oil anywhere, and I didn't want to get caught out of position.  Bad stuff, that blowing your engine because you don't have any oil in it.  I've done that with two other cars, and it's no good for anyone, I can tell you.

I got to Thief River Falls just a few minutes after headliner Al Katz, and we did the pal-around thing, having dinner together at the club (half-off employee discount...can't go wrong with that) and then retired back to our rooms to freshen up and get ready.  We almost wore the same shirt, which I find hysterical...we both shop the Casual Male, as they cater to the well-dressed fat man, and the deal is that I get to wear the shirt tomorrow in Walker, Minnesota at the casino.  He also had a version of the shirt I was wearing tonight, a black button-up with a check pattern.

The show tonight was well enough attended, but didn't live up to the earlier billing.  We were expecting a crowd of just under 100, and we wound up with just under 50.  They were good and attentive, which is what you want from a crowd at a comedy show.  I'd rather have 50 people focused in on what I'm saying vs. 300 people who could give a shit.  Ultimately, this was an extra show...I couldn't tell you the last time I worked on a Monday, so it was nice getting the one-nighter bread up front.  For the record, the last Monday I worked was September 26, 2005 in Lexington, Nebraska.  I guess it's my lot in life to bring the funny to people in tiny, desolate towns on off-nights.  Still, I fill a niche, and that's the first step to success!

More updates as the week wears on.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY