Speed Demon

Speed Demon                          4512  (362)

Friday, April 28, 2006-1:20 A.M.

I made it home, and it took me four days to get settled and sit down and update this little running commentary of my life on the road.

The road back from Minnesota took about 1300 miles, 23 hours, and one Minnesota speeding ticket.  I got nailed going through St. Cloud, and the officer who issued the citation said he caught me going 85 in a 70 (which I was), but that he would only write me up for 14 over so I would get a lower fine and no points.  I allegate that if the officer can just go ahead and reduce the charge on the spot, for no other reason than benevolence, than the whole thing should get thrown out.  In no other area of law enforcement is there such a "de facto" reduction of charges...they just want the money!

I drove 'til I couldn't take it anymore, which was about 1 A.M. on Sunday night going into Monday morning, and I pulled over at a rest stop just outside of Cleveland, about three and a half hours from Rochester.  I slept in the car, fogging up all the windows in the process, and woke up to flashing police car lights everywhere.  I thought that I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be, but come to find out, Ohio State Troopers had pulled over two guys in a Jimmy wagon.  I used the facilities, started my car and headed on my way.  I was thinking about some vending machine coffee or a diet Coke, but there was a shabby man near the vending who looked like a hitcher, he had three garbage bags full of what I assumed were clothing (what ever happened to the handkerchief on the end of a stick?  Hobos are moving up to plastics, now!).  Even with the cops over at the other end of the rest area, it was still dark out and I didn't want to risk a confrontation with a homeless guy.  Hey, he's got nothing to lose, so I'm not going to test him.

I finally got home around 7 in the morning, and slept like a dead man.  My legs were sore, I was tired even though I had a two-hour nap, and my jaws were sore from chewing gum for 24 hours straight (peppermint keeps you awake, but chewing that much gum makes my temples ache).

I spent all week trying to get myself back together, and now I have to head back out again tomorrow to Traverse City, Michigan.  I'm taking the war wagon, which after 4,000 miles, has indicated that the two Toyota dealerships I took it to were trying to scare me into repairs that I wasn't financially ready to make.  I do two days up in Traverse, and on Sunday, I make my way south to Battle Creek, Michigan, home of Gary Field's comedy club and the Relay For Life cancer benefit.  I volunteered for this event months ago, and the lineup has changed several times, and now it looks like I'll be doing the first headlining spot, about 20 minutes, just before the intermission.  I'm hoping the event goes well, and will look forward to working with pals Chili Challis and Kate Brindle, as well as six or seven other new friends.

My home computer is in the shop, on the fritz with some sort of mecha-malady, so I'm leaving the laptop home for the wife to use.  I'll do the old-fashioned thing, hopping around to libraries and the like for internet use, and try to keep things fresh as far as the goings-on.  Hopefully this will be a stress-free, satisfying weekend.  I know that the drive home is only seven hours from Battle Creek, and I can probably do that without any problems.

Knock on wood, of course.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Blood Sugar Sex Majik

Blood Sugar Sex Majik          4454  (304)

Sunday, April 23, 2006-2:00 A.M. CDT

Well, I'm gearing up for the big drive home.  The problem with long drives is that everyone has their own opinion of how long it's gonna take.  Around here, the big burgs that people get headed to are Minneapolis/St. Paul and Chicago.  My guess is that Chicago is 10 hours from here, and about 10 hours from home (counting the time difference from Central to Eastern Time).

Friday night, we had two good shows.  Al got a standing ovation in Grand Forks, but they had lead in their asses in Fargo/Moorehead.  I had two really good shows, Courtneys' comedy club is a nice room in a small town, and with a little promotion, they could really build it up into a professional room.  As it stands, I got middle money that trumps most of the middle pay that I work for, so I'm not complaining.

Today, I had blood sugar problems, and for a little while, I thought I was dead.  My hands and feet were cold and numb and I thought I had low blood sugar, so in my delerious state, I ate a pack of sugar and then tested my blood sugar, and come to find out it was high.  I called Al in a panic (he has sugar issues, too) and he suggested to go to the workout room and sweat it out.  I did 20 minutes on the treadmill, and my blood sugar started coming down.  By showtime, 8:00 P.M., I was exhausted, but ready to go on stage.  I did a by-the-numbers set first show, and then some folks stuck around for the second show, and it was a little sparse, so I opened up, tried some new things, and closed with a new bit that I wrote but never tried on stage before...it was risky, but they loved it, even though it was political in nature, and I was worried about red-state backlash.  One old guy looked down and away, but all the younger people keyed in and it got an applause break.  It's staying in the set!  Now I have the problem that I have too much material and not enough time to do it night after night.

I have a 7:30 A.M. wake-up call, which is 8:30 east coast time, so I ought to get home at like 4:00 in the morning Sunday going into Monday.  Pammey put Harmony on the phone and she talked to me between shows, and I ached like I never did to be home.  The drive tomorrow should go quick, with that carrot dangling in front of me.  Whether the car will cooperate and get me home is up to question, but I'll try it and take it as far as it goes.  I got a feeling it's gonna make it, the weather is pretty cool so there's not much chance of overd-heating or any of that bad stuff, and not having AC isn't an issue, either.

Next week is my return to Traverse City, Michigan, and a cancer benefit on Sunday in Battle Creek.  It's gonna be nice playing closer to home, but I really enjoyed my trip to Minnesota.

Have a safe weekend, and hope you get where you're going safe and sound.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Two Story Town

Two Story Town                            4319  (279)

Friday, April 21, 2006-10:50 A.M. CDT

It's the last stop on the Ralph Tetta Badlands Tour '06, Moorehead, Minnesota (sister city to Fargo, North Dakota) and I'm counting down the hours until I hit that big black ribbon that takes me home to my family.

It was a short drive yesterday, 78 miles on route 29 south, with a 75 MPH speed limit...that's one thing that I learned about the upper plains...you can drive as fast as you want, because everything's a million miles away.  One state over, Montana, has no daytime speed limit...90 MPH is o.k., the trooper just waves at you as you pass.  Of course, the state's so big, you never see a trooper, I was just making that up.

We arrived at the Days Inn, home of Courtney's Comedy Club, and headliner Al Katz and I checked into our rooms.  We got two rooms on the second floor, and I loaded up my luggage cart and headed for the elevator that wasn't there.  Al chuckled at me as he took his one bag up the stairs, and I headed back to the desk to secure a first-floor room.  They put me in a business King, which has a fridge and microwave, and I found out later that Al has neither of these, but he has the rack that would hold them, if such appliances were made available.

We dropped my car off at Corwin Toyota to see if they could do anything about my oil leak, which is dripping onto my timing belt, and they later called me and quoted me $500.  They might as well have said they wanted to defile my mother on an altar under a full moon on my birthday in front of all my friends, because I was hearing none of that.  All I was looking for was "Mr. Tetta, you have a busted seal, we can repair it, it will take 5 minutes and cost $10."  As soon as the guy said, "Well, it's pretty complicated..." all I heard was "you're from out of town, so we're gonna make you grab your ankles."  I'll take my chances...my wife is already looking at new cars.

I'm gonna miss the Toyota...she's good on gas, engine purrs like a kitten, and even though the body is battered and bruised, she's taken me across the country more times than I can count.  I've been to Wisconsin four times, Florida three times, St. Louis at least twice, and so many times to Michigan I might as well get orange and blue license plates.  I've eaten about a thousand fast food meals in that car, slept, listened to thousands of hours of music, heard Presidential debates and news of planes hitting skyscrapers.  I've taken my daughter to the doctor, brought home Christmas presents, taken cats to the vet to say their final goodbyes, and cried a river of salty, homesick tears.  It's going to be difficult letting go of the car and getting used to another one, but that's the way of the world.  I feel like I've done so much road work the last five years (5th anniversary comes up in June) that I've spent more time in this car than I have in my own bed....and I probably have.

I respectfully declined the repairs and made arrangements to pick the car up today, which Al and I will do sometime before our radio interview at 2:30.  We did laundry at a convenience store which had a laundromat in the back room, caught some quick dinner at Subway (the only place to eat within a short distance of the hotel), and returned to get ready for the 8:00 P.M. show.

The show was a mess, with no crowd being the biggest hurdle to overcome.  I did my time, although it felt like I went over, and I burned the first few minutes trying to get people to move up.  El, our host, seems like a funny guy, but I think that he hosts every week, so the locals have familiarity, and the contempt it breeds.  One girl spent the whole show sending text messages on her phone.  A lot of the guests were friends of the staff who were called to come out (at no charge) to beef up the dwindling attendance.  Al did his thing, snapping a little at a drunk girl who wanted to participate in the show, and we broke camp afterwards to our respective rooms and the cable TV and wireless internet that they provided to insulate us from the post-show depression.

I talked to my wife for half an hour, and she scolded me about working so far from home when I told her about my plans to drive the 20 hours home on Sunday.  I tried to explain that the money is so much better here than the work that is closer to home, and easier to get because I'm not competing with the comics from New York, Boston and Philadelphia, but I think that the two-week separation was getting to her, too.  I think sometimes that she'd rather live in a refrigerator box and have me home than have me out here earning a living.

Sometimes I feel like that, too.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Jumping Jack Flash

Jumping Jack Flash                                              4301  (261)

Wednesday, April 19, 2006-12:08 A.M. CDT (Thursday morning)

Continuing the big tour through the Upper Midwest of America, last night was Walker, Minnesota and tonight was Grand Forks, North Dakota.  Still working with Al Katz from Orlando, Florida, a longtime comedy buddy who used to work for me in Rochester when I was GM of the Comix Cafe.

Last night at the Northern Lights Casino, you would have thought we were the biggest prima donnas there ever was.  We tried to get comps for the buffet (an industry standard for casino shows) and were roundly rebuffed.  We wound up eating there anyway, and met the casino promotions director who was assigned  to babysit us.  We were told that the week before, the comedy show drew five people, and had been moved from the big special events room into the casino lounge.  The show wound up not being that lousy, we started with four people and by the time the show was over, the crowd had swelled to about 35, more than enough to fill the seats in the lounge, and that's not counting the folks at the bar (who were listening and playing video poker at the same time, which is why I didn't count them).

The show was an early one, 7 PM, and was over by 8:30.  I didn't know what to do with myself, so I hung around the casino snack bar and chatted with some of the employees and guests who had seen the show.  I did a mind-reading trick with Lavonne, the cashier at the snack bar, while her manager/fiancee' and some other employees looked on.  I met some folks from International Falls, Minnesota, which is way up there near Canada.  They were new grandparents on their way to St. Cloud, Minnesota to see their granddaughter, who was born premature and was only a little over a pound and still in an incubator.  I met a woman who was also a grandmother, only she didn't look old enough to have accomplished such a feat.  She was enjoying one of the casino's $3.50 hot dogs, and I was eating a $5.95 hamburger, and the whole time, I was looking for a board full of departure and arrival times just out of reflex.

Tonight was the Ramada Inn in Grand Forks, North Dakota...the show was well attended, mostly college-aged folks, and I had a great time.  My half-hour whisked by quickly, and I abandoned a lot of material in favor of spritzing, which is becoming more natural and successful for me.  I learned what I know by working so much with Mike Dambra, who is probably the quickest and funniest crowd-work comic I've ever seen, but I had to work up the confidence to try that sort of thing myself.  I've found that you don't have to say the funniest possible line, as long as you spit it out quickly, with emphasis and conviction.  I always used to take a few seconds to think about it, which to the audience looks like I'm taking a few seconds to think about it.  It's better to just lay it out there and if it lays flat, sling another line right behind it.

I met some interesting people after the show.  One guy threw a Rochester Americans (our Triple A affiliate to the Buffalo Sabres NHL team) reference at me, and come to find out, he's Bill Bredin, the deputy commissioner of the United States Hockey League (www.ushl.com) and used to work with the National Hockey League.  This is the second NHL-related person I've met in the last month...the last one was a girl in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan, who used to date Buffalo Sabres goalie Ryan Miller.  I'm not much of a hockey fan, but if I was, I guess I'd be thrilled, but as it is, I'm still intrigued.  Still, I got into comedy because I like people, and I think it's neat to talk to people after the shows and see what they're all about.  One guy was a rather portly young man in a "Flash" T-shirt...you usually don't think of the Fastest Man Alive and a 30-something kid with a beer gut in the same take, but here he was.  I'm a huge comic book fan, and have been collecting them for 30 years or more, and we were having a long conversation when Al decided he would "save" me by telling me I had a message at the front desk.  It's an old ploy that we sometimes use when you're "trapped" in a conversation with a boring guest, but in this case, I was the one doing most of the talking so I don't understand why Al thought I needed saving, but I appreciated the effort.  Al was talking with a couple of young ladies who saw the show, and I think they knew the guy I was talking to because he's a bartender at the local watering hole, and they may have put Al on the idea that I was gonna get my ear chewed off.  It's nice to have people looking out for you, I guess.

Tomorrow, it's off to Moorehead, Minnesota (sister city to Fargo, North Dakota) for three days at the club there.  This is one of the best paying weeks I've ever worked since I started doing comedy on the road, but it's also the most nut-busting drives home that I'll have when I'm finished.  The actual drive is 20 hours, and I lose an hour because of the time difference between Central and Eastern time.  I'm wrestling with the dynamics of attempting the drive, because I don't want to have to get a hotel in the middle, but I also don't think I can do 20 hours straight driving without amphetamines.  I will have the prospect of reuniting with my wife and daughter after two weeks on the road to spur me along, so that's good.  I can't wait to see them again.  When I called home after the show tonight, Pam answered in a whisper because Harmony was sleeping and she didn't want to wake her, and all I could think of is my baby daughter in the crib, my wife hovering over her, watching her and caring for her, and feeling like the luckiest guy in the world.  They are worth what I put myself through, the long drives and the smoky one-nighters.  I do my shows to earn money, and I earn the money to make a nice life for them.  When I started this comedy game almost 18 years ago, it was all about me and my glory, and now it's all about their comfort and security.  It's nice to have a reason for doing what you do, it keeps you focused and honest.

Enough for today.  I'm going to finish my Sudoku puzzle and catch some zzzz's.  I'll check in with you again tomorrow, and thanks for reading me.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Ten Miles From Nowhere

Ten Miles From Nowhere                                4279  (239)

Monday, April 17, 2006-11:48 P.M. CDT

Good evening from Thief River Falls, Minnesota, home of the Black Cat Tavern, the Best Western, and not much else.  Seriously, the biggest town close by to here is Grand Forks, North Dakota, and the town is 56 miles away from Manitoba, Canada, which is by far the most desolate of the inhabited Canadian provinces.  O.K., maybe that's not fair, but even if I'm wrong, what's the difference?  There is fuck all up here in Northern Minnesota, and the horizon only offers the promise of more nothing.

Easter Sunday I drove 820 miles, dreamt of chocolate and felt sorry for myself.  I didn't have any unscheduled improptu automobile maintenance to deal with, knock on wood, and after the first 200 miles, my sphincter loosened up and I was able to drive like a young person instead of a grandmother on her way to bingo.  I wound up bunking in the town of Tomah, Wisconsin, which was my goal, and today I had a solid 480 miles to drive through some of the most desolate country I've ever seen.

My engine was a little low on oil so I added a couple of quarts that I had the foresight to pick up at a Wal-Mart on the way...you never know on those holiday weekends if you're going to find synthetic oil anywhere, and I didn't want to get caught out of position.  Bad stuff, that blowing your engine because you don't have any oil in it.  I've done that with two other cars, and it's no good for anyone, I can tell you.

I got to Thief River Falls just a few minutes after headliner Al Katz, and we did the pal-around thing, having dinner together at the club (half-off employee discount...can't go wrong with that) and then retired back to our rooms to freshen up and get ready.  We almost wore the same shirt, which I find hysterical...we both shop the Casual Male, as they cater to the well-dressed fat man, and the deal is that I get to wear the shirt tomorrow in Walker, Minnesota at the casino.  He also had a version of the shirt I was wearing tonight, a black button-up with a check pattern.

The show tonight was well enough attended, but didn't live up to the earlier billing.  We were expecting a crowd of just under 100, and we wound up with just under 50.  They were good and attentive, which is what you want from a crowd at a comedy show.  I'd rather have 50 people focused in on what I'm saying vs. 300 people who could give a shit.  Ultimately, this was an extra show...I couldn't tell you the last time I worked on a Monday, so it was nice getting the one-nighter bread up front.  For the record, the last Monday I worked was September 26, 2005 in Lexington, Nebraska.  I guess it's my lot in life to bring the funny to people in tiny, desolate towns on off-nights.  Still, I fill a niche, and that's the first step to success!

More updates as the week wears on.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Four Cars Ago

Four Cars Ago                        4261  (221)

Sunday, April 16, 2006-9:24 A.M.

The trail of tears beckons, and I don't want to go.

Good morning, and Happy Easter, Passover, or just plain ol' Sunday if that's what you choose.  I'm getting ready to shake the dust of Knoxville, Tennessee from my feet and make my way to Thief River Falls, Minnesota, for my show tomorrow night.  Only I don't wanna go.

On Friday, I took my Toyota Corolla, current mileage 292,000+, in to a Toyota dealership to get the air conditioning recharged.  Only it didn't work out that way.  Apparently, the AC is shot, there's about $300 worth of parts that need replacing, and it's just not in the budget to do that.  Also, I laughed a little when the mechanic asked me if I was driving near the ocean because he saw all the salt on my engine...that's road salt from New York snow removal...I guess they don't see that in Tennessee...they told me that when it does snow, they spray the roads with brine ahead of time.  I guess it must work.

Regardless, the prognosis was that not only am I not getting air conditioning, which may be uncomfortable until I head significantly north, but apparently there's oil on my timing belt, which isn't good.  If the timing belt goes, the whole car stops, which is what happened to my good buddy Steve Burr the last time we worked together.  I have a 1,283 mile drive ahead of me over the next two days, and I'm not enjoying the idea that my car might not be there for the whole trip.  If I can make it home, I can probably get it repaired, if that's the route I want to go, but I don't want to have to get repairs done on the road...I won't have a choice of mechanic, and it will probably throw my whole schedule off.  The way I figure it, I have to drive 10 hours or more over two days, and the more miles I drive today, Easter Sunday, the fewer I have to drive tomorrow.  My route takes me through several big cities, including Louisville, Kentucky, Indianapolis, Indiana, Chicago, Illinois, Madison, Wisconsin, and Minneapolis, Minnesota.  If there are problems, I have AAA and can get towed, I only hope that if I break down, I break down 100 miles from a major city (AAA's towing limit).  I really hope that I just finish the tour and get home, to be honest, but I have to prepare for the worst.

The shows on Friday and Saturday were excellent, the only downside being that when you open for a celebrity comedian, as I did this past weekend with Tim Wilson, you usually get your time cut back so the big name draw guy can do his thing.  I put out the hottest 20 minute sets I could, and got really great crowd response and merchandise sales to match.  I actually ran out of DVD's, but I still have a decent number of CD's for the trip up North.  The money will actually help if I have to do any emergency road repairs, but I'd rather bring the money home.

Tim was great to work with this week...he had his wife with him, so he wasn't really available during the day to hang around with, but he was friendly, cordial and complimentary between and after the shows.  He gave props from the stage, which is flattering and unnecessary, but it's nice to hear that your headliner likes you and publicly acknowledges that. 

Mark Craycraft, the new manager at the Knoxville Comedy Zone, runs a tight ship and everything went well all weekend.  I got scolded a couple of times for being in the office while the box office was trying to take phone reservations and sell tickets, which I thought was a little over the top, but I vacated when asked.  The rest of the staff were great, and it's always a pleasure coming back to this club.

Chad Riden, our mc for the week, finally made it from Nashville after having car troubles of his own, and on Saturday we hooked up for lunch.  He's a funny guy and a good mc, and he took the bullet from a couple of rowdy crowds over the weekend.  You don't really appreciate that mc job until you start middling and think "thank God I didn't have to go first."

O.K., it's time to hit the showers and start packing out.  Wish me luck as I head North, and I'll keep you posted on my progress.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Stay Cool

Stay Cool                                        4244  (204)

Friday, April 14, 2006-12:10 P.M.

Good afternoon from Knoxville, Tennessee, home of the Comedy Zone, one of my favorite clubs in the country.  I'm working this week with celebrity headliner Tim Wilson, who is very big here in the south, but to be honest, being from upstate New York, I never heard of him.  Still, he draws big crowds and they pay the money, so more power to him.  Our mc, Chad Riden, broke down on the way here from Nashville, so I had to do the mc/middle thing on Wednesday.  It went o.k., not great, and it was a weird little crowd, and even Tim, who indicated he was going to do an hour, bailed on them after 45 minutes.

The Econolodge where the Comedy Zone comics stay (although I don't think Tim is staying here) is right down the parking lot from the club, so it's very convenient.  Also, there's a supermarket really close to here, a post office, a library, and everything else a travelling comic could want.  There's even a Chinese Buffet across the street!  I don't think I've moved more than 2 miles from the hotel since I got here Wednesday afternoon.  I'm thinking about getting a haircut (the salon is next to the buffet) and today I'm getting my car's air conditioning recharged (it's butt-ass hot down here and having no AC is making me cranky)...the Toyota dealership is like 4 miles away.  It's perfect!

Yet again, the last two nights, as the entire month before, every show I've done, people have come up to me after the show and indicated that they're either from western New York or they have relatives that live there.  It's been a little erie, actually.  I sold a CD last night to a guy who was lamenting the loss of Wegmans and Nick Tahoes and Country Sweet Chicken and Ribs, all Rochester staples.  I came up with a funny line about southern cooking that I think is going to be a regular part of my act when I tour the south...I ad-libbed a bit and it got a big laugh, and I think it will do well in other southern markets, too...Greensboro, North Carolina in particular.

I did a little hotel-room cooking last night, franks 'n' beans done wok-style, courtesy of a late-night shopping trip to Food City.  I signed up for their value card and saved some decent cash on my foods, which is always a good thing.  With the gas up around 2.56 a gallon here in eastern Tennessee, every penny counts.

Don't forget that taxes are due on Monday....last chance to file an extension is today.  Have a great weekend!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Freeway Jam

Freeway Jam                             4211  (171)

Wednesday, April 12, 2006-6:35 A.M.

I've been dodging bullets for a week now, and I'd like it to stop, please.

Coming to you live from my tastefully appointed hotel room at the Quality Inn in Huntersville, North Carolina, just outside of Charlotte, and just a few minutes away from heading down the hallway to enjoy the complimentary continental breakfast (the comic on a budget's friend).

I didn't report last weekend's wrap-up, because there wasn't much to say.  Saturday's show was sparsely attended, and our mc was 16 years old...I joked that he looked like Steve from Blue's Clues (and he did).  I presented my set with a slower, more conversational delivery, and it was just right for the situation, and after club owner Jonathan Dean Belt paid me, he invited me back in August.  Unfortunately, I won't be able to come, as I'm already booked for my yearly excursion to Florida to see my parents.

Sunday was wrap-up day, trying to get things done before having to leave Tuesday morning for a two-week trek across America.  Pam and I (o.k., mostly Pam) rifled through medical receipts getting everything ready for a 10 A.M. appointment with tax preparer Mark Block.  Mark and I worked together in the popular Joey and Maria's comedy wedding shows in Rochester, and it was nice to see him again.  He worked his magic and got us a sizable tax refund, and also by looking at last year's return (which Pammey painstakingly filed using H.R. Block's online resources) that we also had a sizable refund due to us as well.  Pam used schedule "A" instead of schedule "C" or some such folderol like that...I failed Accounting twice, so all of this is lost on me.

An oil change later, some laundry and some other basic house maintenance, and I was ready to hit the rack for a 5 A.M. wake up.  Sleep came tough, but the show must go on, and I woke up, showered and packed and hit the road.  I had a 700 mile, 11 hour drive in front of me to make it to the Lake Norman Comedy Zone and an 8 P.M. show with headliner Robert York.  I headed south through New York and was taking route 15 thorugh Pennsylvania, looking to hook up with I-81, and suddenly, without warning, a traffic jam sprung up.  The Pennsylvania D.O.T. had actually coned off the lane and was detouring traffic away from rout 15...I was sent down route 80 east, and then to 81 south, a 100 mile detour that added about 90 minutes to my drive.  I still wound up getting to the hotel just a little before 7:00 P.M., time enough to shave and shower and make the gig, but when I tell you I didn't have much juice left in my battery, I'm not kidding.  I had a decent but uneven set, and the crowd responded appropriately.  They were very young, and overwhelmingly female, and a birthday party of about 20 college-aged girls dominated the show with unrelenting table talk and general lack of attention.  I did my time and got out, and let Robert York get up there and crack his bullwhip and juggle his rings around.  I've seen that guy about 40 times, and I still enjoy watching him.

John, the manager at Galway Hooker's (yeah, that's the name of the club) paid us by check, which was annoying, but the bank is right across the street from the hotel so that will be my first stop today.  I have a four-hour drive to Knoxville, Tennessee, my home for the next four days, where I'm opening for big name guy (in the South, anyway) Tim Wilson.  I'm anxious about the shows, and excited to go back to the Comedy Zone there.  The last time I was there, I had a great time and was pleasantly surprised at how receptive the audience was to me.  It's been 17 months since I was there last, and that's about 9 months too long, if you ask me.  But the club's so popular with comics that there's a waiting list to get booked back!  I'm just glad to be working, to be honest.

I miss my wife and my daughter, I started missing them when I closed our apartment door and starting heading down the steps.  I'll be away for Easter, and won't be getting home until a week from Monday.  Next week is my first engagement from Ken Muller and Comedy Productions, so I'm excited about that, too, and hope that I can make a favorable first impression.

O.K., coffee and cereal await.  I'll probably stick with decafe so I can sleep some more.  I'll keep you updated as the tour progresses.  Thank you for reading and have a good one.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

T.V. Party

T. V. Party                                            4167  (127)

Saturday, April 8, 2006-2:25 A.M.

I've been bitching to my wife for the last six months that I need a T.V. credit to beef up my resume.  I guess the moral to today's story is "Watch out what you wish for, you just might get it."

I'm playing Fat Katz Comedy Club in Utica, NY, exit 31 off the New York State Thruway if you're counting, working with Mike Dambra, one of my best friends in the business and a damn funny headliner.  I'd played Fat Katz a couple of times before, but hadn't been here since the club changed hands.  It is now being handled by Jonathan Dean Belt, a comic from Syracuse, NY, that I worked with about 15 years ago.

This week, the plan was to tape our 8:00 P.M. show for broadcast on a FOX affiliate station here in Utica, to bump up club attendance.  They figured that Mike was a damn funny comic, and hence, his act would draw the masses back to the club (open as it is under the new management).

We were greeted by Jonathan with hugs all around, and then it was down to business.  He wanted me to perform an 8-9 minute set, take a break, and then Mike would do a 10-12 minute set for the audience in attendance.  Then there would be an intermission, the cameras would be turned off, and we would go back up and finish our feature and headliner times, respectively.  We both bristled, not wanting to burn our funniest material up front, and then have to go back up to a crowd who had basically just seen us.  The other problem, for me, was that I would basically have to follow Mike's funniest material.  I wasn't looking forward to that.  After a few discussions with Jonathan and Jason, the video production guy, we talked them into just letting us do our full sets, and then edit for the show from that footage.  It made more sense, really, and would have been way more comfortable for both of us.

The show didn't get started until 8:30, and I didn't find my way onstage until about 9:10.  Most of the crowd (about 50 in all) had been there since 7:30, so they were antsy, to say the least.  I rattled off a 22-minute set (which is what you get out of me when you ask for 20 minutes), and headed next door to the pizza place to get a submarine sandwich.  The guys who own the sub shop used to own the comedy club, and they would feed the comics.  I didn't get a free ride on the sub, but the kid behind the counter remembered me and I got a 25% discount, which isn't shabby and was much appreciated.

I walked back across the parking lot and back into the club's front bar, where I enjoyed my sandwich and listened to Mike's act.  He was doing well, but not really holding back on language for the T.V. taping...I definitely tried to sanitize my set, wanting to give them the most usefull footage as possible.  I also wrangled a deal guaranteeing a DVD copy of the show while signing the waiver, and got Mike the same deal as well.  After the show, the video team told me that they thought most of my act would make it into the final cut of the T.V. show because it was more "family friendly" than Mike's material, and while I don't revel in that at Mike's expense, I'm looking forward to seeing the material edited into a three-camera shot.  It might make for a nice new demo tape that I could send around to club bookers, and that's always a good thing to have.

Tonight, things go back to normal, and we get to just do our shows as we want, and the crowd should be bigger as well.  It's a nice club, and they're still doing some work on it, but they've improved it quite a bit.  One thing they still need to do is get some doors for the toilet stalls in the men's rooms....curtains just don't cut it when you're pinching a loaf in a public place.  C'mon, Breeze!  Plywood is cheap over at Home Depot....all you need is some hinges and a barrel latch.  I'll come over early and do the work!

'Course, then I'll have to stink up your men's room...you know, just to make sure the doors are steady and secure during use.

Have a good weekend!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Shock The Monkey

Shock The Monkey                                       4147  (106)

Thursday, April 6, 2006-1:05 A.M.

When I carry around baggage, I really carry it around...I have moments of embarassment dating back to third grade that I remember vividly and play in my head like noxious little music videos without the music when I'm laying in bed and the room is dark but my eyes are wide enough to count the veins in my eyelids.

One of my more recent embarassments was a corporate Christmas party that I did for a group of engineers.  It didn't go as well as planned, and I severely underestimated their playfulness, and was rewarded with a group of staring, condemning faces.  I was pretty sure I'd never take another corporate gig again.

Then I got a call from the Transportation Council of the Rochester Business Alliance to be the keynote speaker for their 82nd annual dinner.  My father was a shipping supervisor for almost 40 years, so these were my people.  I accepted the gig, and peformed tonight at the Downtown Hyatt Hotel here in my hometown of Rochester.  The gig went swimmingly, and I had a great time.  The major difference was that I worked up a set list before I went up, so I didn't have to edit and scramble in my head if a bit fell short.  I had confidence, I was organized, and I got the presentation to end by 9:00 P.M...the organizer's plan.  The monkey is officially off my back.

The nice thing about the show was that there were many folks in attendance who knew my father and worked with him and remembered him well, and that was a nice ice breaker for me.  I actually got set up, and the President of the Transportation Council apologized...just before my keynote address, they gave a posthumous award to a man who had died of cancer, along with a presentation of a plaque to his widow, a tear-jerker of a testimonial, and a standing ovation.  And now, your funny guy!  I don't mean to pat myself on the back, but I think I got through it well.  I acknowledged the situation, and made the transition to the ha-ha's, mentioning my father and then dovetailing that into some jokes and stories.

I have a day off, and then it's off to Utica, NY, where I've already had a day shaved off of the week (and the money that went along with it), but the corporate show is providing the bank for this week, and Utica is just sprinkles on the ice cream.

It's an early day tomorrow, Harmony has an appointment, so it's off to bed.  Here's hoping that you give your monkey the slip as easily as I did mine.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory

You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory                 4103  (62)

Sunday, April 2, 2006-2:10 P.M.

What's worse than losing a precious gift?  Probably, never having it in the first place.  But definitely, being tricked sucks the worst of all.

Corning, NY, home of the Corning glass works and Fat Cats blues 'n' jazz club, home of the Friday night comedy show that was watered down like a pack of Kool Aid thrown into a swimming pool, is over now, and just a memory.  Washed away by a two-hour drive home and a good night's sleep, I can talk about it.

As previously chronicled, Friday's show was considerably less than somewhat, artistically and in audience response...I'm no com to be entertaining the old folks.  They're patient with me, but I never get off the ground with them, their frame of reference just isn't playful enough to enjoy me.  I'll pull every trick out of the bag, sight gags, book jokes, and Don Rickles-style abuse, but somewhere along the line, I can't shake the feeling that they think I should be delivering their newspaper or something.

I slept in Saturday, to be good and rested for the night driving after the show.  A trip to a comic book shop that was closed turned into a good thing; I found a newsstand with an old creaky metal comic book rack, and several copies of Marvel's "Exiles" title to be had, to finish up a two-part story I'd been looking forward to.  Dumb luck, providence and the good Lord smile every once in a blue moon.

A trip to Wegman's (thank God for Wegman's) and a nice roast beef sub with their new special horseradish mayonnaise, and I was back to the Best Western to kill another five hours until showtime.  Unfortunately, I spent part of that time talking with my wife on the phone about the bastard family that lives next door to us...there was a verbal altercation Friday afternoon regarding some of their crap that found it's way onto our front lawn, and my mother-in-law who lives downstairs from us took it upon herselfto throw the crap out.  The thugs that live next door, whom we've never liked, threatened my wife's mother, and said something to my wife as she left to go out with our daughter.  Of course, she had no clue what the neighbors were talking about, so she let it go, and then when Mama Davis filled her in, she felt a little threatened and scared.  Once upon a time, Rochester Police reported seizing a sawed-off shotgun from one of the three apartments next door to us, so you never know what surprises there are to pop out at any moment.  It's no way to live, and I certainly don't appreciate these people speaking to anyone in my family, especially when I'm miles (and hours) away.

I strolled in to Fat Cat's just a little before showtime, anxious to get the whole evening over with and get in the car and head home, if nothing else, to reassure my wife that she was somewhat protected.  The neighbors aren't very confrontational when I'm home, and have never said anything to me.  I think they know that I've read enough Batman comics that I could chill their blood just by looking at them, although I've never tried it.  I'm only hoping that if push came to shove, I could dodge bullets like Batman, but criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot, and when they're afraid, they fire their weapons blindly and with no accuracy, so I've got that going for me.

I had a brief conversation with the owner's wife, and I mentioned that I was going to be splitting after showtime, because of the situation back home.  She asked me if I checked out of the hotel, and I told her no, because I was there all day and if I had checked out, at noon, or whatever check out time the Best Western offered, I would have had to sit in my car all day, and wouldn't have had anywhere to shower and get ready for the 8:00 P.M. show.

The show was decently attended, not as full as last night, but a more public show and a group of people I felt I didn't have to censor myself for.  I had a loose, fluid feel, was good and funny, and got some nice results.  At one point, I ditched the microphone, to give the theatrical illusion that I was about to reveal some truths that were "just between you and me," and I really didn't need the mic, because there were only about 50 people in the room, and they could hear me fine.  Hans, the owner, who also doubles as the mc, went up after me and ribbed me a little bit about not using the mic, that he had rented it and I didn't wind up using it.  I used it for much of the show, I just ditched it for the last 10 or 15 minutes.  Hans has a weird way of saying something where you don't know if he's joking or not...I don't care for it very much, but the gig was only two days, so you suffer it and move on.

Miss Gayle went and did her thing, and I retired to the first floor for a complimentary food item.  I enjoyed a plate of chicken salad-stuffed tomatoes, a modestly priced menu item, as I don't like to abuse the food and beverage privilege when a club extends it to me...I think it's only respectful.  At the bar, I struck up a conversation with a young lady who had seen my performance last night and liked it.  She was a medical person, a nurse, and she was there with one of her friends who was playing in the blues band that was to perform later in the evening.  The girls in the band had a severe Indigo Girls thing going, but I don't wish to cast any aspersions, everyone was pleasant enough, and then I realized that I virtually opened my Friday show with a joke that could be conceived as gay-bashing, but apparently, no umbrage was taken, because the girl probably wouldn't have started the conversation with me if she were gay (which I can't be certain of) and took offense at my joke (which she may or may not have, and was just talking with me to be polite).  Luckily, I didn't put two and two together until just now, or I'm certain I would have been embarrassed and said something untoward in the purpose of being apologetic.

After a few minutes, I headed back upstairs, where Miss Gayle was still doing her thing, and got ready for the closing of the show, the settling up of payment, and the road home.  I had already packed my car, so I didn't even need to go back to the hotel, and I was anxious to knot things up and shove off.  We shook hands with the audience on the way out, and I actually had a young lady ask me if I had performed at the Hilton in Elmira, just a few miles down route 86, a couple of years ago, and I had, and was surprised that she remembered me!  It was actually October 11-12, 2002, and I can tell you that because I keep my engagement books back that far-how anal can you get?

So Miss Gayle and her husband and I head on downstairs while Hans is getting our checks ready.  I hate check gigs...if the check's no good, you're hundreds of miles away when you find out, particularly when they hand it to you on Saturday, and you can't cash it until Monday.  For the second time in a month, the check was drawn on my bank, so I didn't worry too much about it, I just headed back to Rochester and deposited it.  But in the handing off of the check and the obligatory hand-shaking and thank-you's, Hans started asking me if I was driving home or if I was staying the night.  I again replied that I was heading home, and he informed me that he paid for two nights, and didn't say it, but sounded like somehow I was wasting his money by not staying.

Now, if this gig had only been one night, believe me, I would have driven down and driven back, and had no problems with it.  But it's 120 miles from my club to his house, and the money just wasn't good enough to drive down and back twice.  So I stayed over Friday night into Saturday morning, and after the second show, made my plans to drive home.  I still used the room all day Saturday...like I said before, if I checked out, I'd be homeless for the day and have to sit in my car.  If I slept over and left at 6:00 in the morning, he'd still have to pay for the room, if I left at 3:00 in the morning, he'd still have to pay for the room.  If I choose to leave at 10:00 at night, isn't that my prerogative?  Isn't the room part of my compensation?  I apologized, pleading that I didn't mean to step on any toes, but what else was I to do?  He shook my hand, and said that he hoped I'd be back, that I did a good job, but with that tone of his that you don't know if he's breaking your balls or not.  I drove home in a huff.

I picked up some food on the way home, and my wife and I ate at the kitchen table while I recounted the evening and read the paper.  She finished and left to go check on the baby, and I picked up SPIN magazine, where the coup de grace happened.  I was reading the mag, and looking how decidedly un-cool I was...I don't know any of the bands in this magazine.  It's a by-product of being a shade under 40, and compounded by being a radio veteran...I used to be the hippest guy around to new bands in almost every genre, now I don't know the Strokes from my earlobe.  The SPIN top 15, for example...I've heard of Warren G. and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, but I've never "heard" them... the other bands are a fog of college-rock pretentiousness to me.  C.L. Smooth?  Sufjan Stevens? Art Brut?  I'm lost.

So then I head off to the reviews section, and Chuck Klosterman has a review of Guns 'N' Roses "Chinese Democracy."  After 15 years, the wait is over!  I read the piece hungrily, not realizing what a GNR fan I was, and the review was pretty amazing.  I had to get this CD just to read the liner notes, never mind what the album sounded like!  And how had I missed the news that a new Guns album was coming out, anyway?

Because it ain't  At the very end of the review, there's a little sidebar box with five "Fast Facts" about the album, the last fact being that the record doesn't exist, only in an alternate universe where the "Fools of April" rule.  I'd been had!  And I laughed and felt good for the first time in the whole weekend.  I actually got the April Fool's joke on the actual April Fool's Day, and I felt good about it.

This week, I got a nice-paying corporate show and a weekend in Utica, NY, my third New York State gig in three weeks, and I'm happy to be home (or close to it) before my big road trip to Tennessee, then no break before I have to go to Minnesota.  April should fly by almost as quick as March did, and hopefully with fewer car accidents, speeding tickets, and bitchy club owners.

I know this was a particularly long-winded entry, but thanks for hanging in with me on my emotional roller coaster.  Have a good week.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY