My Old School

My Old School                                     4030 (162)

Saturday, March 25, 2006-1:30 P.M.

Who is George Mason and why did I drop my pants on stage for him?

Reporting from the Best Western in Tyson's Corners, Virginia, home of the fabulous Wiseacres Comedy Club, just outside of Washington, D.C.  Last night, I worked with headliner John Marks, mc Jessica Pacquin, and we were treated to a guest spot by local hero Clay Miles.  Before the show, they had the NCAA Men's Basketball tournament on the big screen TV, specifically, George Mason University, which I had honestly only heard of once or twice, but come to find out it's a big deal around these parts.  When Leonardo, one of the hotel's restaurant managers, told the audience that the TV would have to be turned off (honestly, a half hour before showtime....why not just poke the people with hot sticks while you're at it?), they rebelled like Iraqi dissidents.  I mean, they literally declared Jihad, threw stones, and burned American flags.  I'm kidding.  They didn't declare Jihad.

So, mustering all of the ex-club manager skills at my possession, I suggested that they keep the TV on until 15 minutes before, and let them watch a little longer.  The crowd cheered, and were amenable that a compromise had been reached.  Still, during the show, somebody had the scores delivered to his cell phone and was giving the faithful periodic updates.  George Mason U. actually won the game while I was on stage, and in order to maintain some semblance of attention, I was doing my "prairie fire" show...I was all over the board, riffing, stream-of-consciousness and pooching out lines and chunks of material, quickly and never letting up on the crowd.  I stood on chairs, dropped my pants, and one woman tried tipping me a cigarette because she didn't have any single dollar bills.  Cheap whore!

I thought I was over, but I actually hit 30 minutes right on the money.  The young locals patted me on the back, shook my hand and congratulated me on such a good set, when in fact, it was anything but a good set.  It was undisciplined, full of filler and completely throwaway.  Although, I did a minute or two on a guy in the front row with long hair who I called Ted Nugent's illegitimate child, and it was funny enough that I might try to remember what I said for recycling purposes.  I would have rather done my regular show, but there were so many table conversations going on, it was clear that it was just going to be a fight to be heard, and I don't function well.  I wound up calling out a table of three women who were among the loudest groups in the room, and they wound up getting thrown out during the headliner's set.

John Marks is a funny guy, but he's also a quiet, dignified kind of comic, and he was shouted down by the sports-fan crowd.  I didn't help things by getting them revved up with the set I turned in, and I felt guilty afterwards.  We both wound up selling some merchandise, and I retired to the room to watch Bill Maher on HBO (actually, caught it twice last night courtesy of HBO 2).  The good news is that we have two more shots at the stage tonight, and I suspect it's going to be a lot better, unless Georgetown or some other school is playing, in which case we're screwed again.  Thank you, March Madness.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY