Animals

Animals                                     3941 (72)

Monday, March 20, 2006-6:48 A.M.

What's worse than calling an audience member retarded and then finding out he's actually retarded?

I guess, putting the guy in the front row at a comedy show.  Why would you do that?

Submitting the weekend wrap-up, I got home Friday somewhere around 6:30 P.M. and somehow never got to bed until around 10:30, and I slept like they were about to do my autopsy.  I did well driving down through Michigan and across Ontario, Canada without having any bowel "events" (I'm suffering through a constant state of irregularity, and I'm beginning to think I have colon cancer or something...it's quite the irritation), and I used Saturday as a nice day at home to rest and recuperate.

Saturday night, I worked with Annette Lorenzo out of Rochester, NY, who had booked a gig for us in Camden, NY.  Now, at first, I thought we were working in Medina, which is halfway between Rochester and Buffalo, but she corrected me and said we were actually working in Auburn, NY, halfway between Rochester and Syracuse.  That was fine; I was looking forward to going back to the Apple Orchard in Medina, one of the first places I headlined way back about 10 years ago (and did very well, as I recall).  I was booked by a guy named Cal Touhey who only booked me because I booked a room or two at the time, and he was hoping for that "log-rolling" thing, vis-a-vis you book me and I'll book you.  Only he was terrible, and even though I wasn't as good then as I am now, at least I knew I was better than he was.  Doesn't that sound terrible?  At least I was working pretty regular...I didn't know anyone that was hiring Cal.  Consequently, he's fallen off the face of the earth...but I digress.

So I met Annette at her house, and we took off for Camden, NY.  She had directions, courtesy of Yahoo, which got us sorta near where we needed to be.  I preach, and will continue to preach, www.randmcnally.com for any and all directions and map making online...they are the best.  We hit the NYS Thruway, and the snow started coming down somewhere just before Syracuse.  We hit Syracuse and headed north on I-81, and then got off at route 41 or some such 30 mph road, and began a winding tour of the Adirondack mountains.

We got to the gig about a half hour late, but with the weather, the folks who hired us understood.  It was a group of middle school teachers, about 60 of them all told, at a private function at an American Legion hall.  Annette went on and did a 30 minute set, which I listened to with one ear from the lounge.  She got a couple of applause breaks, but I happened to notice that the graphic sexual material was getting no love.  I do quite a bit of that in my act, so I just decided to forget about it and went another way when I got onstage.

Anyhow, there was a guy sitting by himself, front row, all the way to the left of the room, and he was a little older (I called him Bob Newhart), and Annette had asked him "What are you, retarded?" and the room got quiet...I actually missed the whole interchange, as I was out in the bar flirting with the bartender and playing pull-tabs trying to win some money.  Come to find out, they guy was retarded, and he was part of the school's maintenance staff, and they invited him out because he was part of "the family."  Great...put the guy right up front, why dontcha.

The show was good, and we got better directions home, which still took us the better part of two hours.  Annette was all wound up and wanted to talk about business, and I just drove and tried to keep the vehicle between the guard rails.  When I got home, Pam had torellini for me (I hadn't eaten much all day and was starving pretty good), and I slept really well.  It was quite a weekend, I haven't worked a one-nighter in New York State in quite a while, and it felt like getting back to my roots as a road comic.

Another thing before I go; I'm still getting responses from the Bill Hargis incident in Detroit, where I was told I couldn't sell merchandise after the show.  My buddy, Ricky K. from Florida, who is one of my best friends in the world, wrote me an e-mail with the title, "Rickey K has your back !" and I wanted to share it with you.  Here it is, unedited and unexpurgated:

CITY OF DETROIT
HUMAN RIGHTS DEPARTMENT
2Woodward Ave., Suite 1026
Detroit , MI 48226
(313) 224-4950
Hours of Operation
8:00 a.m. - 4:30 p.m.

 

To whom it may Concern.

 

I'm writing your office today out of frustration. I'm an employee of Chaplin's Comedy Club.The club is ran by Bob and Bill Hargis  .

My compliant is against Bill Hargis.I'm a female in my twenties.I need to be anonymous  for the time being until I find out what my options are. I feel that Bill Hargis has been making unwanted sexual advances towards me. That man could pass as my  grandfather ,Bill should be in Depends instead of running a Comedy Club . The comments that comes out of his mouth are just pure evil. He has been know to hire street walkers to service him in his office. He told me to meet him in his office and when I walked in there was a midget hooker on a donkey(yes a donkey was in that small office to )  performing a sexual act on him with apple sauce.I heard of whip cream but apple sauce.You should have seen how long the donkey tounge was.

This man is sick. Than he said "Come on in Babe show me your  merchandise" And I really took offense to that.

I mean like ,that is just plain rude.I'm not merchandise....merchandise is what comedians sell at the club. My tits are real.

Anyways please let me know what I can do.

                                                                      Thank You

 

Now, I don't know if Rickey actually sent this e-mail, but I will say this...he's never been a guy who was shy about that sort of thing, and he definitely doesn't have anything to lose.  Fortunately, it reads very much like a joke, a satire of a complaint letter, so if he did send it, there probably wouldn't be any repercussions, but boy, if that letter got dressed up just a little bit, there'd be some trouble now, wouldn't there?  It never occurs to me to try and hit my tormentors where they live, but I suppose Rickey just has way more experience with that sort of thing, and he's a fighter from the 10th Ward, so it's in his blood.  God bless you Rickey, and keep fighting, dude!  I'm glad you're on my side.

 

This week, I'm finally getting the work done on my battle boat, the good ship Toyota Corolla, and then a one-nighter in Orchard Park, NY, home of my beloved Buffalo Bills (also fighters) and then off to Washington, D.C. to Wiseacres comedy club for two nights of fun.  It's a short weekend, so I'll get a few more days to mend, God willing, and enjoy a little down time with the wife and baby kid.

 

Have a good week, why dontcha?

 

Ralph Tetta

 

Rochester, NY