Circumstances

Circumstances                                                           3730

Thursday, March 2, 2006-11:49 P.M.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Reporting live from the coldest hotel room I've ever stayed in, in the luxurious Mansfield Inn in Mansfield, Ohio.

Tonight, I'm officially back on the road with long-time comedy buddy Mike Dambra.  We played Joez Lounge here in Mansfield, Ohio.  I've played Mansfield a bunch of times, as Funny Business used to have a room here in the downtown area called the Skylight Comedy Club, a decent one-nighter on a Thursday, and Hysterical Management (our employer this weekend) used to have a gig downtown at a Mafia hangout where they used to love me.  The hotel was iffy, but the folks came out and drank and laughed, so I'd take the gig whenever it came up.

Mike and I hit the road at 9:00 A.M., a little early for a five-hour drive, but in anticipation of the crap weather that we got.  It sleeted, hailed, snowed, and was every sort of freezing precipitation with under-salted highways that you could possible want (or not want, as the case may be).  We rolled into town in time to have a nice dinner, and back at the ranch, I got in a nap and a shower in time for the 7:30 P.M. show.  Actually, my nap wasn't that good because my hotel room door isn't very well insulated, and the winter freeze is seeping in from the cracks all around it, making my room very difficult to heat.  Thank God I'm only here for one day.  Then, to make matters worse, the bewildered front desk person called me and woke me up from my sound sleep requesting that I come down to the desk and pay for my comped room.  I explained that I was one of the comics performing in their lounge this evening, and then the dawn came for our dim-witted girl.  "Oh, so that's why they put down zero on your account paid."  Maybe a quick look at the name of the person signed in, and then a cross-reference with the pictures hanging in the lobby might have unearthed a possible answer to the mystery, but apparently she was sick that day at hotel college.

This wasn't my first run-in with below average customer service today.  I went into Staples this morning, around quarter to nine, to get a short run of black and white copies made.  The store was ghostly empty, so I went to the copy desk and asked for help...I never use those self-service things if there's someone there to help me; why should I?  So I ask the young lady for help, and she answers, "I don't know if I can fit you in, I have five orders ahead of you."

Now, for real, there was no one in the store...these five orders all had to be drop-offs, in which case, help the muthafukka standing right in front of you!  Nobody will know that I "cut!"  And it's a short run!  I need 50 copies...what's that gonna take, 4 minutes?  Your production schedule isn't going to get thrown off that much.  And she wasn't working on any of those five orders when I walked up....is this bullshit, or what?

Finally, she helps me set up at the self-service area, but I made her do all the work, and then I was out of there.  She fessed to only have worked there for four months, so I guess she doesn't have this whole "customer service" thing sharpened down to a fine point yet.  Unfortunately for her, I have the whole "customer complaint" thing sharpened down to a machete, and I have nothing to do during the day other than call stores and complain.  She gave me their little value card application, too, further highlighting her innattentiveness to my needs, namely, to get my copies and get the hell out of the store.  You will pay, Staples girl, oh, you will pay.

Our show tonight was good, with a solid number of folks in the room (although the front three tables were empty, and six chairs never made a room look so unbalanced) and it was a redneck Git-R-Done-Fest if there ever was one.  I did my 30 and scooted, and then watched Mike Dambra do his spinning plate act with all of the hecklers in the room.  Sometimes it's magical, and sometimes I just shake my head....they sent him enough shots and drinks on stage to anesthetize me for tumor surgery; I really don't know how he does it.  Not for me, brah.

After the show, we hung out and signed some autographs, sold some CD's to the adoring throng, and grab-assed with the owner and his wife.  It's a nice gig overall, and it's such a benefit not having to drive from the hotel to the gig...those five steps from the hotel lobby to my room were like nothing, and fine by me.  My car's covered with snow and ice, and I don't even want to think about it until tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow is Morgantown, West Virginia, a scant four hours away.  It's a bit of a hike from here, and most likely will be all slick mountain roads, but showtime isn't until 9:00 P.M. so there's plenty of wiggle room to drive slow 'n' safe to the gig.  The lodging is also in the same facility as the gig, but there's only one room available for Mike and I to share, so he's gonna have to cope with my sleep apnea and snoring.  I get my sleep apnea gear next week, but that does nothing for his comfort tomorrow.  I think he's gonna get some earplugs.

I'm going to sleep in my bed here in my drafty room.  Hopefully I won't wake up with a head 'n' chest cold, I've almost got the old one kicked.  Stay warm, wherever you are.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY