Talk

Talk                                     3528

Thursday, February 16, 2006-8:09 A.M.

Bluefield, West Virginia is trying to kill me!

In spite of that, I hope everyone had a good Valentine's Day, either spending some quality time with the love of your life, or in the absence of that, making it through the day without sucking on the business end of a shotgun...of course, if you did that, you wouldn't be reading this, so disregard if it applies to you.

I got all the maintenance done on my trusty steed, the Periwinkle Toyota Corolla with 287,000 miles on it.  At Jiffy Lube, they informed me that my front tires were filled with nitrous (the new thing in tire inflation....more costly than regular) and I was a little irked because when I bought them at Dunn Tire, they didn't mention that to me....and I do know from the signage in the store, nitrous costs about $5 extra per tire.  I don't feel cheated because I received the product I paid for, but I do feel cheated because I didn't ask for that product, and they took it upon themselves to upgrade me.  I used to swear by Dunn Tire and their service, and now I'm upset because I have to take another look at them.

Valentine's Day, my lovely wife of the last five years (eleven if you count all of our time together) accompanied me to Red Lobster for a nice dinner date.  Mama Davis volunteered to watch little Harmony Rose so we could have dinner undisturbed, which I thought was very nice of her.  We got to the restaurant about 8:00, and it was *jammed!*  They gave us a pager and told us it would be an hour and a half wait, so we went and did some light shopping, picking up some clothing for the infant (she's growing so fast, we needed some new pajamas) and some miscellaneous kitchen items.

We returned to Red Lobster in time to hear our name being called, and we were whisked to our table.  Our server was flying around like a plastic shopping bag in a windstorm (like all the other servers), and we got our order in quick-style, as to keep things efficient.  We got our bread but no plates, and I spotted a stack on a server station across the dining room.  Rather than sit and steam about it, or wait for our server to reappear, I walked over and retrieved a couple of plates for Pamela and myself.  I was dedicated to the idea of having a nice time with my wife, and we get so few opportunities that I didn't want a little inconvenience to spoil the evening.

Pamela was in rare form....she's as funny as she could be, but she really made me laugh.  There was a party of four seated a couple of tables away, and we had seen them come in...it was two young guys, either Hispanic or Italian or some cocky ethnicity, dressed in fur coats (that's right....fur coats) and their dates.  Pammey called them "Poser Mobile" ("Fees, shorty, fees!") and I about fell out of my chair.  She's getting good and vicious in her (old) middle age...I think I'm rubbing off on her.

I wound up not getting to sleep until almost 3 A.M., and I had a 7 A.M. alarm set to hit the road by 8...I have a bad habit of getting insomnia the night before a big trip.  There was extra pressure to be on time, because I was picking up fellow comic Mike Dambra to shuttle him to Buffalo where he's playing the Comix Cafe this weekend, and I didn't want to be late.  I managed to get to his house only a few minutes late (and after five years, I think he expected that).  We hit the New York State Thruway and I dropped him off at the comedy condo, and continued south.

I passed through Buffalo and Erie, PA, and then down through Pittsburgh.  I was happy as hell to make it to Morgantown, West Virginia at the northern border of the state, but my trip was only half over at that point.  The next five hours was a steady mountain drive, pushing uphill and coasting down the other side for what seemed like forever.  I got to Bluefield around 5:30, and slept the sleep of the damned.  Originally, I thought I had an 8 P.M. show, but further examination of my itinerary indicated that showtime wasn't until 9:30....a bonus of an hour and a half to sleep and rest.  I needed it.

Bluefield is a nice room....the bar is called Kelsey's in the Holiday Inn, and it's always a bonus to be performing right in the hotel you're staying in.  I used this room as a vehicle to get back to New York State from Florida in September of 2004, the time of my infamous abcess injury.  I also had the flu the last time I was here, and barely made it home alive.  Every time I've played here, I've been tired or injured, and I was hoping to break the cycle last night.

Unfortunately, even though I was rested and ready (two cups of coffee helping me along), the crowd was mostly disassociated.  I did my contractual 35 minutes, but it was clear about 15 minutes into the show that the crowd of 50 or so would rather talk at their tables than listen to anything I had to say, and even though there were a few tables that were clearly into the show and laughing, it was too difficult to overpower the group in the middle of the room that just didn't give a damn.

Headliner Brian T. Shirley, from Charleston, South Carolina, fared little better, and after the show, Laurie the lounge manager paid us and apologized up and down for the substandard audience.  Normally, I don't blame the crowd, but I pulled out every trick in the book, and got no love whatsoever.  Brian, who is a very funny comic, actually walked a table of four, which made no sense because they were one of the tables that were actually paying attention during my show.  It was surreal and weird.

Today is Prestonsburg, Kentucky, and another one-nighter in a Holiday Inn.  I had a very good show the last time I was there, and it's only a three-hour drive from Bluefield.  I'm looking forward to it, because at least I know what to expect...it's a real rabble-rousing type room...the only way I survived the last time was to pick out the drunkest guy in the room and start picking him apart.  They liked that, and while it's not my favorite type of comedy to do, I'll not die the death of a dog....not like last night.

O.K., so it's back to sleep for a couple of hours, cash my check, and then head on to the Bluegrass State and get settled in for the show.  I'll report back tomorrow, or maybe later tonight with the show report.

Stay healthy.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY