The Breakup song

The Breakup Song                                                3426

Thursday, February 9, 2006-8:21 A.M.

Good morning from the Red Roof Inn in Maumee (Toledo), Ohio.  I'm here, a scant 370 miles from home, and lucky for it.

My best-laid mice-like plans of leaving and arriving early were sent awry courtesy of my circadian rhythm which lately hasn't allowed me to get to sleep until 4 A.M. each morning, which is inconvenient at best.  I wound up getting up a couple of hours later than planned, and hitting the road at noon, rather than 10:00 A.M. as hoped.

The gist being that for a six-hour drive (which I could shave down by speeding), leaving at 10 A.M. would allow me to roll into town at 4 P.M., time to have a nice nap, shower and a meal before the big 8 P.M. show.  Leaving at noon meant no nap, and no wiggle room for bad weather, traffic or unforseen car trouble.  I didn't anticipate any of these things, but the car trouble thing was on my mind because my AAA membership lapsed and I haven't renewed it (nothing like needing it and not having it) and my "check engine" light has been on...signs point to transmission issues, which due to the high mileage of my vehicle dictates that I need to have the system serviced by the dealer rather than my beloved Jiffy Lube, purveyors of all manner of car care and located conveniently all over the country (they said they could service it, but could not guarantee the work due to the 285,000 miles I previously drove).

So at noon, I hit the highway and sped happily through the metopoli of Buffalo, NY and Erie, PA, on my way through the I-90 corridor towards Cleveland, OH (the most boring patch that Interstate 90 offers) and I experienced a little snowfall in Buffalo, but nothing to be concerned about.  Little did I know that the horrors of lake effect snow, which denizens of the Great Lakes will understand to be hellacious, unrelenting and merciless, were about to be unleashed upon me and my battle-scarred Toyota Corolla.

I rolled into and through Cleveland around 4 P.M., and I was hoping for the best, to beat rush-hour traffic, when the snow started falling.  And when I say falling, I mean a whole winter's worth of the white stuff started coming down and even though my fully-warmed car windshield melted every fluffy Christmas flake as it hit, the cold road just allowed it to pile up, causing slick bobsled tracks with tire ruts cut into them from the vehicle before.  It wasn't long before we were slowed to 10 miles per hour, which with 90 miles to go, I calculated that my trip would take an additional nine hours, putting me in Toledo about 5 hours after showtime.  Plus I had to pee.

Thankfully, the traffic broke and by the time I entered the toll portion of the I-90 in Ohio, the roads were clear of both frozen crystallized precipitation and other travellers and their vehicles.  I shot happily down the road, my "check engine" light cheerfully twinkling back at me from my dashboard like the star of Bethlehem.

I arrived at the Red Roof and checked in without incident (always a plus, in my book...sometimes the club forgets to make the reservation, which I never understood....if you're a comedy club, and you know you have at least two comics coming in from out of town EVERY WEEK, how exactly do you just forget to make the reservations?  I'm not accusing Connxtions, my employer this week, of ever being guilty of this, but with other clubs, believe me, it's happened), and got to the business of showering and shaving and made it to the club with a few minutes to spare of their requested 7:30 P.M. arrival time.  I don't know why they insisted that I be at the club a half-hour early, but the printed itinerary threatened a docking or cancelling if that criteria was not met, so I complied.  When I arrived, the staff sort of mulled around in that listless way that I hate to see, the way that indicates that no one wanted to be in charge, and they all just wanted to go home.  I attempted to be friendly to a couple of them, and one of them was friendly back but not very talkative, and another just walked past me like I hadn't said anything at all, so I just chose a seat in the back of the club and sat quietly until showtime.

A little before 8 P.M., I decided to press my luck and ask for coffee, to get a little caffeine in my system and stave off the effects of a six-hour, bad weather drive with no afternoon nap, and when coffee wasn't available (they offered to make a fresh pot, but I didn't want them to do that on my account), I settled on a diet coke.  As I was exiting the service bar area, comedian Jimmy Hamm, a performer who had appeared in Rochester several times when I was General Manager of the club, whisked past me, and as our eyes met, a recognition sparked, even though Jimmy had changed considerably, his hair several shades darker, his clothing less conservative, and a few pounds lighter all around (I'm sure I looked different, too).  We exchanged greetings and wound up sitting down and catching up with the last couple of years, which for Jimmy included a divorce, a move from Detroit to Toledo, and a radio job.

Jimmy's jocking for KISS-FM here in Toledo, and he's the morning show host and the host of the Wednesday night comedy show at Connxtions, which drew a little bit better than the last time I was here.  We started a little late, but not terribly late, and I was asked to do 20 minutes.  I think I went over, but had no way of knowing because I forgot to look at my watch when I hit the stage.  They didn't flash the light at me, so I figured I was o.k., and after I left the stage I checked with Jimmy and everything was fine.  The set went well, and then headliner John Roy, formerly of Chicago and now living in Los Angeles, had a good show and really made me laugh with his act, which I had never seen before.  He has a good blend of laughs and message, which is something that I really respect...it's exactly what I'm aspiring to do with my show.  After the show was over, we set up our merchandise, and sales were soft, but acceptable.  We had a lot of nice comments, and before Jimmy split, we arranged for me to do a call-in on his show on Friday morning.  We're going to do a prank where I'm going to call in and say that I'm planning on breaking up with my girlfriend before Valentine's Day, and I'd plannned on doing it before Christmas, and then New Year's, and didn't want to be mean but now it's turned into this long, drawn-out thing.  The purpose of the call is to rile up the mostly female listeners of the station and get them to call in and lambaste me about my insensitivity (which of course, most women love).  I'm really looking forward to doing it, I think it's gonna be a blast.

I hit Meijers after the show and picked up some groceries, and I think I'm going to just stay in the room today.  I've got my wok and kitchen stuff, along with a cooler to keep my cold stuff, so I can do some hotel-room cooking.  I might venture out to get some copying done, I have CD's and DVD's this week, but noinsert cards, so I might get that done or just gamble that the ones I have that are completed will satisfy tonight's after-show sales.  Frankly, I can't believe I'm up this early to begin with, so depending on when I wake up from my afternoon nap (and oh, I'm getting one, believe you me), I'll decide whether or not that's a today task or a tomorrow task.  I brought along a box and a half of comic books, which represent the stuff I've purchased over the last year or so, and it all needs to be alphabetized and filed in amongst my main collection.  Several of the books I got are going to be farmed out to my wife's "nephew" Shaun, who has a birthday coming up, so I want to get those separated so the young lad doesn't get stiffed.  And Lord knows, there's nothing better than a big box of comics for your birthday when you're 15.  I'm 39, and that's what I would want.....

I think I'm going to enjoy a nice chilled can of pineapple and a look at this morning's USA today to check out the Grammy winners, seeing as I missed the show last night, and only got to see the finale, which included Bruce Springsteen, Elvis Costello, Dr. John, and some other folks I couldn't identify.  I think Bonnie Raitt was singing backup and playing guitar, but I can't be sure.  Also, I'm pretty sure the Edge from U2 was on stage.

Have a nice day, and get some rest.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY