Traveling Man

Traveling Man                                2936

Thursday, January 5, 2006-7:01 A.M. CST

Bruised and battered, weakened in body but strong in resolve, I report to you from San Antonio, Texas, just an Ozzy-piss away from the Alamo.

This is my first post of the new year, and I've got some catching up to do.

First things first; New Year's Eve in St. Louis at the Comedy Forum was great, although the first show I drew some heckle-birds, which I did my best to dispatch but was overwhelmed by the shear numbers.  Second show was great, but we wound up running just a bit short, and Mike Dambra, Chris Smith and I had to go back on stage and kill time while we waited for the ball to drop.  The evening was mercifully short, and then New Year's Day was basically spent in the car driving home.  Mike dropped me off at my doorstep around Midnight.  I got bonused from the club, which is kind of rare, but it's nice when it happens.

The next two days off are a blur; I think I did laundry and went to stores and bought things and paid bills.  On the one day, I was thwarted at every turn by old people...everywhere I would go, some old bastard would be holding up the line with their incessant whining or digging through some sarcouphagus of a purse looking for a penny that was minted sometime during the Woodrow Wilson administration.  At the post office, there was this old biddy who was trying to sell her 37-cent stamps back to the guy in favor of the new 39-cent stamps, and she refused to just buy the 2-cent makeup stamps....she felt she already paid the money, and they should exchange the old stamps for the new ones, less the 2-cent increase.  When they finally came to an agreement, she looked at all the people behind her and said "Gee, the lines are long today!"  I wanted to beat her with her own cane

So with all of my chores and tasks completed, I got ready for my flight Wednesday morning to Texas.  Mike Dambra, the Ultimate Warrior of comedy, picked me up at 6:00 A.M. to take me to Buffalo, where I had a 8:24 A.M. flight to Chicago, a brief layover, and a 10:00 A.M. flight to San Antonio, where I would arrive at 1:00 P.M., just in time to have a nice nap, a shower and maybe a meal to get ready for the big 8:30 show.

Just as Mike was dropping me off at the United Airlines check-in counter, my phone rang with a special automated message from Expedia.com.  The flight from Buffalo had been delayed and wouldn't take off until 10:00 A.M.  At the ticket counter, I was informed that my new arrival time in San Antonio would be 11:52 P.M., approximately two hours after my show was scheduled to end.  UNACCEPTABLE!

Luckily, the United ticket agent was able to put me on standby for a 2:37 P.M. departure out of Chicago that would get me to San Antonio by 5:30, three hours early for the show, and time to get a nice shower and a meal.  Off I went into the friendly skies.

Upon arriving in Chicago, I immediately turned into Tom Hanks in "The Terminal."  I had my laptop, but they wanted to charge me $6.95 to connect to their wireless internet, and I'm on a budget this week, so I declined.  I ate a McDonald's lunch, which wasn't bad (I swear I must be addicted to fast food) and took my afternoon prescription medication which I had judiciously moved from my checked luggage to my carry-on bag, just in case this "standby" thing didn't work out to my favor.  I can walk around stinking in my clothes and go buy new things if possible, but replacing lost medication can be a bitch.  Then, I started walking around the terminal.  I got some excercise, which in retrospect was a good idea, because I needed my legs limber for the tribulations that would follow.

Getting closer to the 2:37 P.M. mark, I called Coastal Entertainment to tell them of the situation, and kept calling to update them as the picture became clearer.  While waiting, I struck up a conversation with a young man from Indiana named Jay who was heading to San Antonio to take pictures of his church's mission group.  We talked about religion at length, and as he had two daughters, we did the obligatory picture swap, showing off our little darlings.  He was flying standby as well, but was 10th on the list, and as I was first, I was hopeful for my chances of getting on the plane, but not so much for him.  He wasn't in any particular hurry, so he was taking everything in stride.  Somewhere along the line, I let go of my expectations, too, figuring that I wouldn't be the first comic who missed a show because of airline complications beyond their control, and I should just stop stressing about it.  Still, I said at least one silent prayer that there would be room on that plane for me.

Around 2:30, it was announced that the plane we were going to take wasn't arriving until 2:35, meaining the flight was delayed because you can't deplane 100 passengers and their luggage and reboard another 100 people in two minutes.  The plane boarded, and my name was called even before the first passengers got on.  I was ecstatic, and started making calls to my wife and booking agent to let them know that I was going to make it.  Still, I felt a little sorry for Jay, who possibly was looking at spending another 4 hours in the airport, sitting and waiting.  We had been talking earlier about the whole standby experience, and he mentioned that he changed into slacks and dress shoes because you have a better chance of getting a first-class seat if you're dressed well.  And sure as shit, Jay got on the plane, and from seat 11-F, I could see him stowing his luggage into the overhead compartment in the first-class section.  You go, boy!  I guess when the Bible says "the last shall be first and the first shall be last," they weren't kidding.

So our 2:37 flight wound up being pushed to 2:50, then 3:00, then 3:15.  After everyone had boarded the plane (and believe me, there were plenty of seats....the one next to me remained empty, meaning everyone who wanted to fly to San Antonio got on), we sat for another 45 minutes while the baggage guys loaded some bags they forgot to bring on their first trip.  So now, I'm calculating my arrival time with a 4 o'clock departure, I'm getting to Texas at 7 o'clock, picking up my bags and catching a cab to make an 8:30 show, and I'm figuring that I might not even have time to shower, much less eat.  I grab my bags, which were within the first dozen off the baggage carousel, and ran outside after giving Jay a fond farewell.  I grabbed the first cab available, and explained my hurry, and 12 minutes later, we pulled up in front of the Maverick apartments.  I had a nice shower, changed into some clean clothing, and headed over to the Rivercenter mall.

The show was light, about 35 people, and I laughed a little inside, that this was what I labored 13 hours to make it to on time.  But I ran on shear adrenaline (and a diet coke) and turned in a good performance.  Headliner J.J. Ramirez from NYC did a great job, and after shaking hands and kissing babies (and selling one of my "Ralph Tetta Box Sets," namely a CD/DVD combo), J.J. and I beelined for the Denny's restaurant next to the mall, and I ate a Super Bird sandwich like they were going to take it away from me any second.  We told stories about comics we knew in kind, and retreated back to the Maverick where we parted company.  The building has a keypad security feature that didn't work last time I was here, and while J.J. was trying to remember the digits, I just opened the door and gestured for him to enter.  At least it's a deterrent for any shady folk who haven't completely cased the joint.

I'm looking forward to a good week; our mc is in his 70's so I hope they don't give him the light, because he might start walking towards it....Bada Bing!  I'll be here all weekend.

And try the veal (have you ever seen veal on the menu at a comedy club?  If I opened a club, I would put it on there just to be funny, and if anyone ordered it, I would tell them we were sold out of it).

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY