Home Sweet Home

Home Sweet Home                3005

Monday,  January 9, 2006-8:21 A.M. CST

Well, another successful week at the Rivercenter Comedy Club in San Antonio, Texas is at an end.  The crowds weren't anything special, but the staff is always great, I sold a smattering of merchandise and worked with some very nice guys, J.J. Ramirez and Lew Richmond.  It's going to be great to get back home to the wife and kid, though.

I'll miss this little efficiency apartment that I've been holed up in since Wednesday night.  As far as comedy condos go, it has it's ups and downs.  The fact that as a feature, I get my own apartment and my own bathroom is a big plus.  It's a nice convenience to have a little kitchen to cook in, which saves big bucks from the normal road food budget.  Dining out usually means either the worst nutrition available, or a sit-down place with inflated prices and a gratuity to boot.  You save money and come home malnourished, or be healthy and eliminate your profit margin.

And while I'm thinking about it, why don't we send those starving kids in Eurasia big bags of McDonald's french fries?  I saw Morgan Spurlock's documentary "Super Size Me" and it seems that Mickey Dee's food could be a quick fix to fatten up those little walking rib-cages.  Just a thought; don't crucify me....I'm only trying to help.  I figure a couple weeks of an American diet would get those kids back to fighting weight, and then maybe they could farm or walk to where the food is.  I'm just saying.

So I cooked meals in the condo this week, subsisting on whatever food the Walgreens grocery aisle had to offer.  They had the basics, milk, bread, eggs, butter, hot sauce, microwaveable rice in a bag, cheese, canned roast beef with gravy, ramen noodles, peanut butter, powdered sugar-free drink mix (I'm pre-diabetic), canned beef ravioli (sometimes you don't want to cook...don't judge me) and granola bars for the plane ridehome.  I kept the food budget nice 'n' tight, and ate pretty good considering the circumstances.

Now, last year when I was here, I bought the place a colander at a goodwill store so future comics could make spaghetti.  For whatever reason, the colander is gone now, meaning I couldn't make spaghetti, one of my favorite road meals.  I'm bummed, because last time I was able to catch a ride from one of the local comics, and this week, no one really hung out so I was kind of stranded.  I like to buy things for the condos that I stay in; I think it's just a good karma thing to do.  Last year, I also bought a bath mat for the place because I hate stepping out of the shower onto a bare floor, and I'm proud to say that it's still here.  It's the little things like that that go a long way towards making a place livable.

The apartment here in San Antonio is as Spartan as you could be.  Sure, there's a TV with cable, and a phone line so I could hook up to the internet.  Last year, the TV remote went missing (come to find out it was in the headliner's apartment, 5 floors up....I didn't find that out until the last day I was here), and sometimes, the club decides they're just going to save money by not putting in a phone line...after all, comics all have their own cell phones, so why on Earth would they need a land line?  I'm not pointing any fingers *cough* *cough* Omaha *cough* *cough* Milwaukee *cough* but that gets downright annoying, especially when you get used to hotels that by and large have the wireless internet.

Now, I'm no prima donna....I drive to gigs, and I can rough it with the best of them.  But if you're going to set up a condo for me to stay in, shouldn't it be at least as good as a place you would have to stay for a week?  I know that there's a small minority of comics who abuse the place, and they spoil it for the rest of us, but there are some basic amenities that shouldn't be skimped on because it's just disrespectful.

1.  Is it too much to ask for the place to be cleaned properly?  I don't mean hire the maids to come in, but if there's still garbage in the wastebasket, it doesn't do much for my condo confidence.  Also, a dirty sink with whiskers from the last guy (or gal...I don't discriminate) is a dead giveaway that the cleaning person might have skimmed over the place in some areas.

2.  Phone line and TV with remote, as outlined above.  I'll work with broadcast TV if I have to; the networks are o.k. for me, as little TV as I watch to begin with.

3.  If you're going to provide me with a kitchen, there should be some pots and pans to cook with.  Basics; a frying pan, sauce pan and a spatula, and I'm in business.  Also, how about some dishes?  Preferably microwave safe.  I stayed at a condo oncethat had 1500 glasses and no can opener.  Take the glasses back to the club, and get a can opener....they have 'em at the dollar store.  I said fuck it a long time ago, and now I pack my own in my luggage like it was my toothbrush.  And if the microwave doesn't work, don't tease me...throw that shit away.  If I want to know what time it is that badly, I'll just look at my watch.

And while I'm at it, let's have a burlap bag party on these asshole comics who adulterate the food in the condo fridge.  If you're so bored that you have to jerk off in the mayonnaise, maybe some healing time in the hospital is just what you need.  Comics get the short end of the showbiz stick enough times without having to worry about what one of our own is willing to do to us.  I am leaving a part bottle of hot sauce in the fridge when I leave today, and I know damn well that it's just going to get thrown out because no comic in his right mind would trust it to be safe to consume.  Which is a damn shame, I might add.

4.  Proper window covering isn't just a good idea, it's for our safety.  Anyone who has half a brain knows that different comics are checking in each week, they know the showtimes we perform, and when the condo is absolutely, positively uninhabited.  What better time to sneak a peek through those broken blinds and look for DVD players, laptop computers, iPods and other electronic goodies?  It's simple security, dammit!

5.  Last but not least, just consider that most of us are professionals, trying out best to put on the best show possible for you, to make you money.  If we have to live in a depressing, ramshackle place, we're not going to be enthusiastic, creative people.  The comedy condo is a device that helps the club save on lodging costs, and most comics are respectful of the facilities because we'd like to maintain our employment.  As a club manager, shouldn't you do your part to make sure that the accommodations are livable?  Just asking.  I reported last year on a condo in Tulsa, Oklahoma, which had a nasty roach problem, the furniture was beyond curbside, and the place was filthy.  For real, what did I do to deserve that?  Luckily, the club closed...no shit.  Good riddance.

My plane for home doesn't leave for another eight hours, so I have some time to kill.  Can't wait, to be honest.

Have a nice day.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY