Saturday Night Special

Saturday Night Special                                                 1225  

Thursday, June 30, 2005-1:58 P.M.  

And hello one final time from the Lady Lake Public Library in Lake County, Florida.  I have bidden a farewell to my father (until I return with wife and daughter in tow this September) and thanked him for his gracious hospitality for this past month.  It's on to West Palm Beach, Florida, for a three-day stand at the Palm Beach Comedy Club (www.palmbeachcomedy.com) with headliner Mo Alexander, and then the trail of tears, nutbuster journey back to Rochester, NY.  

As longtime readers know, I'm going to run for public office, and I declared that I would address my stance on the issues of the day on this here journal page.  Here's today's topics.  

GUNS  

 I don't own a gun and have never used a gun, and I don't mind the idea of gun ownership.  I don't hunt, but I'm not against the rights of others to hunt.  I do know that there are plenty of illegal handguns on the street, and that's the price you pay for allowing private citizens the right to own guns.  They become available, they get stolen, sold illegally, or they disappear from police evidence rooms.  Hey, it happens, let's not pretend it doesn't.  Bottom line on guns for me, we can dig into the lyrics of Lynyrd Skynrd from the song "Saturday Night Special:   "Handguns was made for killin'/they ain't no good for nothin' else/and if you like to drink your whiskey/you might even shoot yourself."   They later sing that we should drop all the guns "...to the bottom of the sea, before some ol' fool comes 'round here, and tries to shoot either you or me."  That's good advice, but then later on, they also sing "Gimme Back My Bullets."  That's completely contradictory.  And the root of our problem.  The adage "Criminalize guns and then only criminals will have guns" is true.  There has to be a balance.  And until we invent a bulletproof cop, I'm sure they wouldn't mind guns being off the street.  In the end, I believe personal liberties and freedoms must supercede all other considerations.  Keep guns legal, stress gun education and safety training, and aggressively keep working to get guns off the street.  

 FOOD  

Here's a topic that's close to my heart.  The knowledge that Americans go hungry every day, a great deal of them children, sickens and saddens me.  When we pay farmers subsidies not to grow crops so that they can stay competitive in foreign markets, I feel we are missing the boat.  Food stamps and welfare programs are nice band-aid solutions, but shouldn't we look toward solutions that don't create a culture of helplessness?  Why aren't we giving low-income people the opportunity to farm for their living?  Agriculture has fed people since the beginning of recorded history, and it shouldn't stop now.  Super Agri-businesses like Con Agra should be given huge tax breaks and should pump out the crops like there's no tomorrow.  Then, money that's being thrown into food stamps that's currently being spent on Doritos and junk food could be used to purchase all of the excess food, then the food could be warehoused and vouchers could be issued to the poor to come down and get their free food.  Vouchers could be issued to the truly needy, elderly, handicapped, etc, and other vouchers could be issued to able-bodied folks based on their work. I'm sure there are many loopholes here to be figured out, but dammit, no American should go to bed hungry.  We have enough fertile farmland to feed the world 20 times over...let's get to it, huh?  The only thing stopping us is greed.  

EMPLOYMENT  

Everyone should have a job.  And business should be encouraged to employ as many people as possible.  Well, businesses cannot employ larger workforces unless they are competitive.  And the problem in this country is that we don't make anything anymore.  Products need to be created that can be shipped to overseas markets and sold.  And I think food is a good place to begin.  That's definitely the one thing that we make better than anywhere in the world.  We need to encourage international trade, and actually, before we do that, we should work a little harder to get our trade partners not to hate and fear us so much, eh?  

GAY MARRIAGE  

...Is a total greed issue.  The bottom line is that if gay persons were allowed to marry, they would enjoy the same employee benefits as straight persons; benefits like pensions, health insurance, and the like.  Employers would have to pay for benefits of the spouses of these extra marriages or "civil unions" if you like, and it would cost them more.  Cut into the bottom line.  Well, two gay people is not a marriage, they argue.  The Bible (or whatever religious document you wish to use) says they're not.  So I'm not paying.   Here's what Ralph says.  People get married to folks from out of country all the time in search of a green card, and then after citizenship is granted, they divorce.  And this type of marriage has never been censured or spoken out against.  And it happens every day, mind you.  And those marriages are more legitimate than two gay people who are happily monogamous and wish to spend their lives together.  Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, people.  That's what we signed up for when our forefathers created America.  The Bible speaks out against homosexuality, but our country is not run by the Bible.  It's run by the Constitution.  Ipso facto, like it or not, gay marriage is acceptable.  I'm not a fan of the gays, but I do believe in doing the math and living with the answer.  

 MANDATORY VOTING  

This is a pet project of mine.  I believe that we have election problems in this country not because too many people vote, but because not enough people vote.  I believe that on the first Tuesday in November, if your city, town, state, county, hamlet or whatever doesn't make a mandatory 90% turnout of registered voters (even if all they do is go in the booth and choose "obstain"), we shut off your streetlights and stop picking up your garbage.  And we publish your non-voting name in the paper, along with your home address, so your neighbors can walk through the dark, through the piles of garbage, and pull you out of bed and slap the shit out of your non-voting ass.  Too many people died for your right to vote, and you're a lousy American if you don't participate.  And I came up with the 90% number to account for sickness, family emergency, death, dismemberment, assignmentout of your voting district, or other acts of God or man that would prohibit voting.  I'm not a cruel man...just apragmatic one.

Enjoy your freedoms today.  And eat something, wouldja?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY