Riding The Storm Out

Riding The Storm Out                                          713

Monday, April 4, 2005-1:37 P.M.

Closing out the weekend in Merrillville, Indiana...what a hell ride it was getting home.  After the two shows Saturday night, which were o.k., no great shakes, I got a nice night's sleep and prepared for the odyssey ahead.  I had a 580 mile drive, roughly a nine hour trip by my estimation, but I had the added bonus of losing one hour to daylight's saving time, and one hour for the time change from the Central to the Eastern time zone.  I got out of the hotel by 9:20 A.M., so I instantly set my watch and car clock to 11:20 A.M., and cursed that half the daylight driving day was gone.

Upon loading the car, I was treated to the unexpected pleasure of having difficulty with my ignition key.  It opened the car just fine, but wouldn't turn the ignition to start the car until I wiggled it around.  Not a good sign; bad when you're near home, definitely bad when you're nine hours and half a thousand miles away from home.

I drove about 80 miles and stopped at the travel oasis at Howe, Indiana, and upon returning to my car, was greeted by the same problem, however, wiggling the key did nothing.  I was stranded!  I thought the key might be bent, or the wheel locked, but no such luck.  I called AAA, which were as useful as a pig with side pockets....the first truck was to arrive in a little over an hour, and then I got a call indicating that they were swamped, and another truck was coming in 45 minutes.  I was as stranded as stranded could be.

I went into the gas station and struck up a conversation with the two girls working there, and they gave me a couple of numbers for locksmiths.  I got a very skilled locksmith by the name of Ron www.ronslockandkey.com who wasn't able to get the key situation settled, but he removed my dashboard panel, removed the lock barrel, and started my car with a pair of needlenose pliers.  I drove the car hot the whole way home, fueling up with the car running.  I know that's a no-no, but I didn't have any other choices.

Driving was good until Cleveland and Erie, Pennsylvania, who got hit with a foot of snow or more the day before.  Erie must have really gotten caught with their pants down, because they had to close the 90 Expressway, putting me on a slow crawling detour through North Erie.  By the time I was routed back onto the 90 back into New York, it was 1:30 in the morning.  We then proceded to sit on the Expressway, not moving, as ten miles of cars were allowed to start driving again.  I must have been at the back of the pack, because we didn't start rolling until almost 3:30.  I actually fell asleep for half an hour, which actually felt good.

The road wasn't exactly plowed; there were caterpillar ruts like they actually used backhoes to clear the road....I guess I've gotten spoiled as a New York State resident, because we actually have snowplows and trucks and the like to clear the snow.  I thought I was a tank gunner in Beirut, Lebanon driving over that stretch of the road.  I almost kissed the ground when I got back into New York, because lo and behold, they were actually plowed clean to the ground.

To tie things up, I got the car to a Toyota dealership where my wife met me, and they have already repaired the damaged cylinder.  I got home at 7 A.M.,  and I feel like my body was thrown down the stairs and stepped on about a hundred times.

One note.  If you know you're going to be stranded in a traffic jam, which I did, thanks to my good comedy buddy Steve Burr who was reporting to me ahead of time as he left St. Louis the night before and had to drive through the same area, three things are very, very important.

1.  If you can stop and get a piece of food or water, do it.  There's nothing worse than getting a miss-meal cramp because you've got no Slim Jims in the car.  Also, water is nice...it rehydrates the system and keeps your mouth from getting all pasty.

2.  Fuel up.  I saw many cars that just plain old ran out of gas because they were sitting, running, and not going anywhere for eight to nine hours.

3.  And last but not least, gentlemen, carry a bottle to piss in if the chips are down.  I used mine five times on the trip home, and can happily tell you right now that my bladder holds a half litre.  Luckily, I had a one-litre Aquafina bottle to work with....nice wide spout and large capacity....nothing worse than getting pee in your car.

It's nice to be home.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY