Flirtin' With Disaster

Flirtin' With Disaster

Friday, April 1, 2005-12:16 P.M.

Reporting from Spring Lake, Michigan, on the (almost) shores of majestic Lake Michigan.  Last night's show at the Holiday Inn turned out to be what I expected-fuck or fight night.  Half the room (thankfully, the half closest to the stage) was attentive and really wanted a show, the other half (in the back) wanted to heckle and talk during my entire set.  The headliner, Chris "Boom Boom" Johnson, made it a point to shred one particularly rude older gentleman when he walked out of the room because he was overly talkative and responded to requests that he quiet down with a dismissive wave of his hand.  I'm always flattered when my co-stars on the bill leap to my defense, because I'm not very good with just asking people nicely to be quiet...it always comes across like I'm the substitute teacher or something, and I get all the respect of Al Gore on the Bill O'Reilly Show.

The drive in was a bitch and a half....all across Ontario and into Michigan, the wind whipped and wailed, and three times, my car was dragged by the wind into another lane.  The fact that I was going between 75 and 85 miles an hour probably didn't help.  When I finally got to Spring Lake, I overshot the hotel and attempted a U-turn, and almost bashed into a small white car coming from the other direction.  God must love bad drivers and fools, because He saved my life yesterday.  Also, I'm seeing a general increase in the dead animal population, particularly in Michigan....it's almost as if the deer are committing suicide.  Raccoons, too.  It's a little curious.

I just got an e-mail from Bobby Dean from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, offering me not one, not two, but three weeks of work this Summer.  After I check my book to make sure I'm not driving across half the country to get to the dates, I'm going to accept at least one or two if not all three of the weeks, which would pare my unbooked schedule down to a mere eight weeks.  2005 is turning out to be an incredible year...I think I should pinch myself, actually.

Which leads me to yet another gripe....I'm starting to realize I have too much material.  When I hit the stage, I get 25 to 35 minutes to warm the air, unless I'm filling the ever-so-rare closing spot, where I get 45 minutes to an hour.  I simply can't get out all of the material I want to do.  I need to find a way to stanch the gluttony of doing every single joke I ever wrote, but I still come off stage whining to myself that I didn't get to do this bit or that bit, or the piece I came up with in the car on the way to the gig.  I should just be happy that I'm getting paid on a weekly basis to stand in front of a crowd of people and talk to them, tell them what's on my mind, and make them laugh.  Or heckle.

Not to shift gears so suddenly, but today the Pope's health has taken a very grave turn.  Whether or not you are Catholic, I ask that your prayers go out for him today, either for health and recovery, or more likely, a painless and quick passing to his final reward.  And if you're the praying type, also throw a prayer in for peace amongs Terry Shiavo's living relatives, who I understand are bickering after her death about the final arrangements for her burial and/or cremation and memorial.  The time for arguement and divisiveness in our world is over.  We need to pray for peace and commiseration.

Peace be to you.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY