Black Dog

Black Dog                                                                       868

Friday, April 29, 2005-9:15 A.M.

Good morning, and hope you're doing well.  I'm typing this entry courtesy of the Puscharik Public Library in Central Eastern Ohio.  After a remarkable five hours of sleep, courtesy of the giant Diet Pepsi I got with my Taco Bell meal last night, I am on the road to Fredericksburg, Virginia.  I dread the trip, because it means going through Washington, D.C. on a Friday....not a successful proposition, if past experience bears any weight.

Speaking of delays and not making the gig, yesterday almost turned out to be a disaster.  I was headed for Tuscarawas, Ohio, for an engagement at the wonderful Canal House restaurant and music venue with headliner Dan Ellison, the Educated Redneck.  I've had the pleasure of working with Dan in about three different states so far, and it's always a good time.  Anyway, thanks to some construction delays in Pennsylvania and Ohio to a lesser extent, I wound up arriving at my hotel with only about 50 minutes to spare before showtime.  I shaved quickly but carefully, treated myself to a hot shower and some clean stage clothes, and then it was off to the club, which was about a 15 drive away.

If you know where you're going.

For the second time in as many weeks, www.randmcnally.com decided to tell me to go left when I should have gone right....actually, last week it was the other way around.  Regardless, it sent me off in the wrong direction for about 4 miles worth of wrong-way driving before I called the club and got set straight.  The only problem is, once I got turned around, the roads in the area tend to spiderweb into all different directions.  Long come short, I got to the club in time to set a spell and have a nice Diet Pepsi before I had to go on.  The m.c. was a nice man named Doug who played guitar and had a wooden leg.  And last night, the wooden leg was full of gin.  He hobbled onstage five minutes before the end of my show because he thought I was closing, so I got him a chair and told him to sit his old ass down, which got a nice bit of laughter and applause from the room.  Apparently, they all know Doug.

The moral of the story is always allow extra time to get where you're going because it isn't always cut-and-dried that you're going to find thegig.  You young comics out there, heed my words.  Not all clubs are as patient as the Canal House, and they will start the show without you, and not pay you, and worst of all, blow you in to the booking agent and you'll never work for them again (or at the very least, work more infrequently).  That's why I'm up so early, I'm anticipating problems getting to where I have to go on time, so I'm going to get there, and if I get there early, maybe I'll treat myself to a little nap.  Better than arriving late and falling out of the car and having to go onstage in your driving apparel stinking of the road, tired and hungry.

One other note.  While driving yesterday, I had the unfortunate experience of seeing my fifth or sixth dead dog by the side of the highway.  My wife and I happen to be animal lovers, and nothing breaks our hearts more than the prospect of a loved family pet going out to do their business and not making it back home.  Somebody loved that dog I saw yesterday, a German Shepard laying by the side of the road, and someone will miss it profusely when they find out what happened.  Drivers, please watch the sides of the road as you travel the highways...there's plenty of deer, raccoons, possums and the like in addition to domestic animals that don't know the rules of the road.  And pet owners, please, please, PLEASE, keep your animals inside, leashed in a yard, or whatever you have to do to keep them safe.

'Cause dogs don't come home late.  They either come home, or they don't.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Paperback Writer

Paperback Writer                                                     847

Wednesday, April 27, 2005-8:27 P.M.

OK, so here's the baby update....she's doing well.  Our doctor told us Harmony has a thing called Rotavirus, which pediatricians lovingly call "Roto Rooter" because it combines diarhea (sic) and vomiting and creates general unpleasantness for the infant (and mom 'n' dad) for 7 to 10 days.  Ouch.  Lots of Pedialyte and clear liquids is the prescription and just wait it out.  And I actually had goals for the week...now it's just administer fluids to the youngster and hope she doesn't spew all over everything.  As the wise old Hebrews said, thousands of years ago, "Man plans, God laughs."

Speaking of plans, here's a few that I thought I'd run by you.  Years ago, I was blackballed from my home comedy club here in Rochester.  I worked for their short-lived competition, and had broken the "loyalty" oath that I apparently had no idea I had sworn, and was unwelcome thereafter.  This was 1993, and I've survived pretty well....the kicker is that the club isn't there anymore!  Ha!  He who laughs last, and all that....

Anyhow, the reason I bring it up is that I could only get stage time at "alternative" venues, including a poetry open mic at Java Joe's Coffee House.  Joe sold the place, and now it's just "Java's," but a nice little bohemian dump for the various Eastman School of Music students and other East-side avant-trash that need a morning pick-me-up and won't patronize Starbucks for political reasons (I personally would never boycott a food establishment for political reasons...KFC could be kicking their chickens in the ass every day, and those snacker sandwiches wouldn't be less tasty in the least).

So my good friend Ray Salah and I used to go to Java Joe's every Tuesday night for the big "Pure Kona Poetry Series" which featured a stunning array of Rochester's "cooler than you" open mic poetry talents, as well as some exciting spoken word artists.  Ray and I were the clowns who would read our stuff and sneak the standup comedy into the mix, unbeknownst to our elegantly hued (black and off-black) patronage.

I still have a good amount of poetry left in a big file (I never throw anything out) and I also play bass, and it always struck me that a cool vanity project to put out would be to put out a CD where I read some of my poetry over a bass track, provided of course by moi.  Of course, to me, everything is a vanity project, and I'm always embarassed by the thought of putting my work out there, but I chose the show business, and the rules say that you have to be pretty unabashed about putting the work out there.  So that's project number 1 in the works

Project number 2 is a CD idea that I've been working over in my mind, and it's essentially a set of "radio plays," for the want of a better phrase to describe them.  Basically, sketch comedy with the audio part only.  I have a couple of good ideas and a few fudgy ones, and of course, the artistic process usually hammers that stuff all into place.

Project number 3 is a "How To Do Standup Comedy" book that I'm almost halfway through with, and it's based on the notes that I've used to teach standup comedy classes at my home club, The Comix Cafe in Rochester.  I'm excited at the prospect of putting out such a book, because it would be something that I could really be proud of, because standup comedy is really the thing that I do well.  I juggle with some skill, play guitar and bass well enough to get into the band, and sing better than karaoke night, but none of these skills is going to make me a star.

So if you happen to see me perform live a year from now, don't be surprised if you see a book and couple more CD's on the merchandise table after the show.  I've planted the seeds and I'm watering them now.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

The Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Blues

The Rockin' Pneumonia and the Boogie Woogie Blues                          821

Tuesday, April 26th, 2005-1:32 P.M.

I'm so exhausted.  My daughter Harmony has had some sort of stomach problem for the last week, and can't keep anything down.  We have to give her small sips of water, formula or Pedialyte in order to keep her from starving.  It's a 7 to 10 day thing, and it's got Pam and me completely wiped out.  The worst of it is that she's still happy and active, just can't eat properly.  As new parents, this is the first time she's really been sick besides Winter sniffles, which was just a bunch of nose-wiping but nothing serious.  It's very daunting.

The biggest problem (besides getting sick myself once I got home from the road) is that you can't get anything done hardly when you're tending to a sick child.  We literally have to give her small sips of liquid every 10 minutes.  You can't hardly compose an e-mail in that time, much less make the phone calls that every comedian needs to make to ensure that their work schedule is full.  I only have the luxury of typing this journal entry because Harmony decided to take a nap for me.  Even so, we give her her bottle in her sleep, and let the instinctual suckling reflex take over.

This was shaping up to be a crappy week, work-wise, but a couple of bookings fell in my lap which will help me make my nut for the week.  It's quite a blessing to be considered a commodity in this business, because you always wind up finding something.  The great pleasure of being a comic is that you have a lot of freedom, but the great curse is that when you don't work, there's no money.  It's not a huge problem for young, single guys who can literally live out of their cars, but for a guy with a family and responsibilities, the tightrope walk is a dire one sometimes.

Harmony has a doctor's appointment at 3 o'clock, so I'm going to finish up here.  News of all the upcoming projects will be dispensed when I can next get around to it.

Today, consider children and how fragile they are, and how much work they are, and think of what your parents went through to try and raise you properly and keep you healthy, and be thankful that they loved you enough to put forth the effort.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Love Reign O'er Me

Love Reign O'er Me                                                 808

Sunday, April 24, 2005-6:31 A.M.

Just got back from Uncasville, Connecticut where I performed at the Polish American Club with headliner Paul Nardizzi and m.c. Ray Salah.  The drive was six hours down and six hours back, and it rained most of the way.  The show, however, was worth it.  The group was small, but was probably the best audience I worked in front of all month.  Compliments were passed around afterwards, and I just have to say they were the nicest people they could have been.  Exhibit A; I was concerned about the weather and the time that I had allowed for Ray and I to make it to the gig for an 8:00 P.M. show, so I passed on the opportunity to eat any food whatsoever all day long.  Now, some of you folks can probably pull that stunt off, but I'm on some medications that require that I eat a little something.  When I got to the gig after six hours in the car, I had eaten only a Slim Jim that Ray bought me while I was pumping gas, and I was ready to gnaw off my own arm.  When Ray and I got to the hall and introduced ourselves around, the first thing they did was walk us over to the hors d'ouvres buffet and instruct us to help ourselves; there were spicy chicken wings, mini quiches, potato wedges, clam strips, Italian style meatballs, and my favorite thing by far, jalapeno poppers.  As a comic, any time you get fed, even something simple as fried appetizers, it's really a show of hospitality that we're not used to, and goes a long way towards keeping the morale up.  Isn't sharing your food around the nicest thing you can do for someone?

WWW.RandMcnally.com, the website that I use to navigate when I'm going to parts of the country that I'm not real familiar with, almost caused a disaster for me today.  The directions that it provided got us to the proper exit of the expressway, but directed us to turn right instead of left, which would have sent us careening away from our destination like the Phantom Zone criminals in the plate glass window from Superman: The Movie, but the booker, Matt Jedynak happened to come up behind us in his jeep, and we were able to follow him to the venue with no fuss or muss.  Divine intervention occurs once again on the Ralph Tetta Comedy Roadtrip.

Last but not least, a short sidetrip past the Mohegan Indian Reservation and casino revealed gas prices at $2.47, $2.57 and $2.67.  I thought the gas was supposed to be cheaper on the reservation!  This is getting ridiculous with the gas prices...I always said, if Social Security ran out of money before I retired, I was going to douse myself with gasoline and light myself on fire, but now I can't even afford to do that!  I don't care where you stand in the politcal rainbow, be it red, blue or some shade of purple in between, we must elect representatives who will bolster our economy and bring fuel prices back under two dollars a gallon....if things keep going the way they are today, every product that we buy that is transported by truck, train or plane is going to carry a fuel surcharge in the buying price and it's going to hurt even worse than we can possibly imagine.  Vote your wallet in 2006!  And if that doesn't work, maybe we better start impeaching leaders with a bullet in 2007...that'll get some pens rolling and some ink flowing.

But hey, I'm just a comedian....wouldn't want anyone to think that what I write here is serious....it's all for entertainment value only.  Let's keep Ralph off the F.B.I. "nut" list!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting

Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting                            803

Saturday, April 23, 2005-2:56 A.M.

Will wonders never cease....I ran down to the Comix Cafe, my home club and alma mater, and stumbled into feature work for the evening.  And not just any feature work, but opening for Aries Spears from MadTV!  The first show, I experimented with my set, which was dumb, because I wound up having a soft show, and even though it was O.K., it wasn't O.K. by my standards.  The second show, I did my set the way I do it every night when I'm on the road, and it was much more pleasing.   I had a couple of very nice comments after the show, which is all I could ask for.

I'm completely physically drained now, having done the two shows after dealing with my daughter's stomach virus all day.  Plus, I got into a verbal argument with a guy over Long Island Iced Teas in the bar....he wound up smashing a glass table candle and a fragment hit a girl and cut her....very uncool.  He was a drunken schmuck.

Tomorrow, Connecticut.  Keep your powder dry.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

The Letter

The Letter                                                    798

Thursday, April 23, 2005-2:27 P.M.

Today is absolute living hell....Harmony's still sick, not even keeping liquids down.  We have some prescription medication for her that I got today, BUT IT'S LIQUID!  Where am I going with that?  Thankfully, our backup baby doc called and counseled Pamela and myself and we should have a healthy baby in a day or two, provided there aren't more serious problems.  Makes going out of town tomorrow all the more stressful, knowing I'm sticking Pam with the brunt of a semi-crisis situation.  Kids get sick, but this is the first time for us and we're new parents, and rightfully scared and worried.  We don't want to do the wrong thing, even if that is nothing, which is what we were basically told to do.  "Let the fever and stomach virus run it's course" sounds good on paper, but in practice, just feels like parental neglect.

In the good news department, I just got an e-mail missive from Mark Jabo of the Comedy Block Party (which I participated in last night).  I pass it along for your perusal and to give props to all involved:

Hey all,

Thanks and props to everyone for an excellent show last night...

Wow.  Rockin' the house in the East End.  Thought we had our strongest show to date top to bottom.  Thanks to everyone for being not only funny but also so much fun to work with.  We're trying to create something really unique and special downtown and nights like last night are the foundation that we'll build on.

Block Party party favors go out to...

Matt (Rohr) - Always cool when somebody comes up before the show and hits you with one of your own lines ("Hey, it's Mr. Right Before!")...Mr. Right Before should be Mr. Right On - your tireless efforts at promoting the show were a big reason everyone got to perform in front of a good crowd last night...thank you for your help, advice and web skills....I missed "slightly more complicated mac"....

Jim (Meisner) - Enjoyed having you...thanks for making the trip in from Buffalo...maybe we can even do a fundraiser to get you a new mattress...had a blast seeing you for the first time and hope you'll join us again soon...

Ralph (Tetta) - A pro's pro...you have been a friend of the show since we started and I thank you for that...I've seen you a bunch of times and I always enjoy your stuff...thanks for hanging with us...if word of the Army retirement plan gets out we may have to switch to a draft from an all-volunteer army....

Marianne (Sierk) - Sparkling as usual...the spinning bit was brilliant....thank you, too, for hanging in there and coming back...hope it's the start of a long and beautiful fully attended relationship....

Josh (Wade) - Thanks for stepping to the plate to reveal that the Pope is really a vampire...guess we won't be seeing garlic flavored communion wafers anytime soon...thanks for bringing us home strong and striking a blow for cell phone etiquette....look forward to seeing you again in a couple of weeks.....

Thanks again to everyone for bringin' the funny last night.  Our goal is to build the most comic-friendly room we can...a place where you can hang out and try new stuff in front of a smart, fun and appreciative audience and a place where we can hang out with great comics who are also great people  Nights like last night are the start of something we hope will be really big and really special in the East End.  Glad you're all a part of that.

A special thank-you this week to Matt Rohr.  Matt has been absolutely tireless doing all kinds of behind the scenes stuff to promote and run the show.  He also is responsible for getting a website up in record time.  We all like to perform in front of a full crowd.  That we were able to do that last night is largely a result of Matt doing all kinds of stuff behind the scenes.  Thanks, man. 

 

Rockin' in Rockchester,

-Mark

PS - Matt, if you get the chance, could you forward this to Jim Meisner - I don't have his email address.

 

I thought it was kind of Mark to send out such a nice e-mail, and I wonder how many other employers do the same sort of recognition.  It helps morale to know you're appreciated, doesn't it?

Let somebody know today that you appreciate your good work.  Pamela, you are a wonderful mother to our child, and I couldn't live without you (at least not as happy!).

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Somebody Call Me A Doctor

Somebody Call Me A Doctor                                     796

Thursday, April 21st, 2005-1:04 A.M. (Friday morning, technically)

What a wonderful week it's been, spending time home with my lovely wife and daughter; everyone's sick, there's some sort of flu or cold going around, and we got it good.  Harmony's been running a fever, so of course, as new parents, we're freaking out about it, but a visit to our pediatrician today put our minds (mostly) at ease.  Babies are little miracles...they can run temperatures that would kill most adults, or at least leave us dehydrated, and twisted into knots in our beds.

I did a show tonight at Milestones for the Comedy Block Party, and it was a lively affair with Matt Rohr kicking things off, Buffalo's Jim Meisner in the second slot, yours truly alienating and causing discomfort to the audience in the coveted third spot, and then the lovely and talented Marianne Sierk batting clean-up, and Josh Wade from NYC closing it up.  It was a fun show all around, I decided to veer away from my "tried and true" material and go wacky with some new stuff, including a small dollop of Bush-bashing political material up front.  Go figure, there were some righties in the room, including a guy who looked like Dick Cheney.  I was happy to point that out, and then later, Josh told him he looked like the new Pope.  This guy got no love.  Hey, point blank, what the hell are you doing in Milestones on a Thursday night, old dude?  'Cause Matt Rohr gave him and his family free tickets to the show, that's why!  Attaboy, Rohr!

I stopped into the Book Rack on West Henrietta Road yesterday, and picked up the new Justice League of America comic....they've really got me on the hook with a 7-part story pitting the JLA against the Crime Syndicate of Amerika...the evil duplicates.  They've always been my favorite bunch of bad guys, because they basically come from a planet full of bad and evil people, so they don't even know they're evil, they're just going along with what's accepted.  It's a whole new angle on the good guy/bad guy thing, and they're written with just a level of evil that is deeper than anything you've ever seen, it's captivating to see how far the writers take these characters.  For a comic-book-head like myself, it's the ultimate high, and it's been going on for the last six months!  The best part is that next month when the story arc concludes, a new arc begins which pits Batman agains the rest of the League.  Apparently, at one point in the League's history, they lobotomized some super-villains to help in their rehabilitation, and Batman didn't want to take part, so they erased the part of his memory where the lobotomies were performed, and those memories were recently restored, and now he's out for vengeance!  I can't wait....it's going to probably take me into this Christmas by the time the arc is complete, and I'm totally psyched.  The nice thing about being a touring comic is that I always have time during the day to go to the local comic book shop, wherever I am, and pick up the new issue of whatever titles I'm reading.  Right now, it's JLA, Exiles (a group of alternate-reality X-Men) and The New Invaders (World War II era Marvel heroes set in modern times).  Hey, a little arrested development never hurt anybody!

O.K., I'm gonna go make sure Harmony Rose is settled down to sleep, and Pamela Ruth isn't on deathwatch for her.  Tomorrow should be improved conditions for everyone involved.

Rest easy, take Vitamin C, and be healthy.  Then tend to someone you love.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Old Friends

Old Friends                                                                782

Monday, April 18, 2005-6:11 A.M.

Reflecting on the past weekend in Allentown, PA; I had a good time working with D.J. Hazard and Ken Perlstein from Boston and New York City, respectively.  Our one Friday show actually outdrew both Saturday shows put together, and that's a shame because the room was really nice.  The comedy at the Allentown Ramada Inn used to be in the bar/lounge, but has since moved to the restaurant across the hall.  They've got a great stage, and although one of the klieg lights blew out, the other can provided enough light to get the job done admirably.

I made a side trip to York, PA on Saturday to see my good friend Douglas Berryhill.  He's involved with a church group there, and they were having a car wash and barbecue to raise funds for the mission, which helps homeless people, recovering alcoholics and drug addicts, and other people who are "sick and tired of being sick and tired."  It was quite an uplifting experience to see this group of men working together towards a common goal and cutting a big piece of sunshine out of a neighborhood that had grown dark with drug dealers, poverty and squalor.  Their church was over 300 years old, and had been abandoned as the congregation had gotten older over the years, and was down to five parishoners before it closed.  Set Free ministries reclaimed the property, and now continues spreading the Gospel in an area where Good News is sorely needed.  It's quite inspirational, and the group is full of success stories.  You can read about the group at their website at www.setfreeatlanta.org .  I admired their discipline and dedication to the word, and as a believer in Jesus and the work he does here on Earth today, I was proud to meet and speak with the people who are working with my friend Douglas today.  I knew him when he was nothing more than a slave to his addictions, and lamented the waste of his talents as a comic, speaker and motivator.  He was an energetic person with a fatalflaw that as a friend, I could never help him with, and now I'm happy that he's in a support system that will help him stay clean and make the most of his gifts.  Praise God!

Last night I dropped in to The Comix Cafe to see my good friends Ray Salah, Fred Potter and Kenny Robinson.  I first saw Kenny at the Rochester Yuk Yuk's Comedy Club many years ago, and he was a spectacular headliner then, but last night, he put on an excellent show, combining topical humor with the frank sexual humor he is best known for.  It's very difficult to do topical humor because a lot of times, the audience is tired of hearing about the current events that they've been bombarded with in newspaper and TV coverage, and just want to get away from all of that with escapist fare.  Kenny does a great job of keeping people focused and involved with smart observations and a fast-paced delivery.  Watching him work when I was just starting out provided part of the blueprint of what I wanted to do and to be as a comic...unapologetic, strong and black.  I'm still working on the black part.

This week is a little slow business-wise, with an appearance at Milestone's Comedy Block Party on tap (I was scheduled to appear last Thursday as a fill-in, but the show cancelled due to lack of attendance) and then a one-nighter in Uncasville, Connecticut, just outside of New London at the Polish American Club.  I worked a one-nighter for the same booker in Connecticut about two years ago, and had a really good show and I enjoyed it, so I'm going back.  It's quite a luxury to be able to pick and choose where you work and not just grab every engagement that gets offered to you because it's the difference between being employed or unemployed.  I'm working with my best friend Ray Salah on the road for the first time in a long time, so I'm really looking forward to it.

Basically, this week is going to be a good opportunity to do some spring cleaning around the house, and spend some quality time with Pamela and Harmony before I have to go back into comedy mode, and I'm welcoming the change (because I'm sure I won't get much rest).

Take advantage of the great weather this week (unless you're in Colorado, in which case I'm sorry) to do some home maintenance that you've been putting off, and feel the good Chi (life energy) flow through your home and yourself.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY  

Allentown

Allentown                                                        771

Friday, April 15th, 2005-11:39 AM

Well, I'm getting ready to hit the road for Allentown, Pennsylvania, any minute now....I wanted to leave at 11:00 AM, and it's 11:30 and I haven't showered or packed....good start to the day.  Luckily, I don't have a show until 9:00 PM, so I have some wiggle room to work with...as long as I don't hit rush hour traffic, construction, accident slowdowns, or any of the other hazards that can ruin my average miles per hour.  I usually get 70 as an average (I drive really fast when I can), and the trip is just under 300 miles today, so four hours is my estimated drive time.  Even if that swells to five hours with delays (I really only have to stop once for gas, food and bathroom break), I have about a three-hour cushion.

A quick shout-out to my friend Rick in Florida....he directed me to a website pointing out that the Mackinac bridge truly isn't the longest suspension bridge in the world.  The longest bridge is in Japan.  I humbly doff my cap to his research skills.  I was just shooting from the hip because I bought into the cock 'n' bull story the Mackinac bridge radio station was spewing out....they probably put it in place back in the 50's and haven't changed it since....which is bullshit, because at $2.50 for a one-way crossing toll, times 5 million cars a year that go over that thing, you'd think they could afford to update the tape.  Screw 'em....the U.P. stands for Upper Peninsula but it should stand for Underfunded Propaganda. 

I'm going to Allentown today...because of Billy Joel, I can't say the word Allentown without going "chh-poof-hah."  Damn his drunken piano playing ass.

Have a great weekend.  Stay safe.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

The Core

The Core                                                                    768

What a ride it was home from Duluth, Minnesota.  The show was good, well attended with nice people, and before the show, Dennis Ross and I participated in an interview with a young lady doing a paper for school.  The room was very sparsely populated when we started the interview, and by showtime, the joint was packed.  I hate it when it turns out that way, I like to get a look at my audience before I hit the stage, to try and figure out what material I think they'll like, troubleshoot any possible problems (hecklers, loud celebrations, groups that really aren't there for comedy, etc.).  It was a nice experience, though.

The drive home was hell on wheels.  I took off at 8:20 CST, so I automatically switched over to Eastern time so I wouldn't forget later.  I hit Chicago by 4:00, and had to deal with rush hour traffic for at least two hours.  Oh, and also, my fan motor burnt out....the motor that imports heat and air conditioning into the part of the car where the people sit.  I had to make do with open windows for air conditioning, and then at night when it was cold, I had the heater on and the vents open, so the motion of driving at 70 miles an hour (or more....I'll never tell) drew heat into the passenger compartment.  $200 later, I got that fixed today.  Also, my car's been burning oil....I use the synthetic oil, the kind you can drain right out of the car and it keeps running....I checked my levels in Indiana, and found out why my oil light was flickering all day....I was driving dry!  $12 worth of Castrol 10W-30 and I was on my way.  I got an oil change today, so now I'm back to full capacity and ready for my weekend in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

Music is always a subtext in my road trips, and this week was no different.  The highlight was coming home through Buffalo and hearing 97 Rock playing "The Core" by Eric Clapton off his "Slowhand" l.p.  It's one of my favorite songs ever, and I'd been waiting to hear it.  It was a nice way to spend some of the waning moments of my long drive home.

I'm bushed, bedraggled and bruised.  15 1/2 hours in the car really kicked the crap out of me.  I'm going to bed, and will report on the Allentown weekend on Sunday.

Have a great weekend!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Cold As Ice

Cold As Ice                                                                         759

Tuesday, April 12, 2005-2:45 P.M.

I'm in Duluth, Minnesota, on the shores of Lake Superior, and it's cold as hell here!  My hotel, the Voyager Lakewalk Hotel is right on the lake, and last night, the wind was howling, the building was shaking, but the room was warm.

Nothing special to report, other than my bookings in Myrtle Beach fell through.  They were double-booked, which basically means that either two people were involved in the booking process and they both filled the dates with two different comics (it happens) or the same person booked the dates, and then booked them again with a different comic (it happens) or some other third option that I can't possible imagine.  Regardless, I have those weeks off now, which actually isn't bad because I now have them open for work that may be closer to home, or if I'm unemployed completely, that's more time with my wife and baby daughter (and what's so wrong about that?).

I got off the phone with my doctor's office today, and they're upping the dosage on my thyroid medicine, as well as putting me on Glucophage, which probably has something to do with the diabetes that runs in my family.  Hooray!  More pills!  Actually, I'm not advocating pills in replacement of excercise and nutritional responsibility, but hey, if they're offering them, take 'em, I  say.

I'm not too excited about my drive home tomorrow.  It's 1100 miles by my reckoning, and part of that is going through the flypaper maze called Chicago, Illinois.  Invariably, I always catch traffic going through Chicago, but until my Toyota sprouts wings and I can fly over Lake Michigan, it's the Dan Ryan Expressway for me.

I'm looking forward to the show tonight, it's at a restaurant called The Tap Room in an entertainment complex with some stores and other bars and restaurants.  I stopped in last night to check the place out, introduce myself around and have a Jim Beam and a Diet Coke (Whiskey is a constant proof to me that God loves us...if you have one.  If you have five or more and start fighting with your knuckles, then it's the Devil's game all the way). 

An apology for yesterday's entry.  I had forgotten that Jaime Wixson was from IronWOOD, Michigan, not Iron Mountain, so forget what I said about that.  Also, a hello to my old buddy Ricky K. of OnTheRun, Florida for a quick overview of my comments about the Mackinac bridge.  He claims that the bridge is only the world's third longest because "the Japs beat us out on that one, too."  But I only intimated that it's the longest SUSPENSION bridge, not the longest bridge of all.  I think that claim may be substantiated.  Hey Ricky....Sprechen Zie "Back Child Support," hobo?

In the meantime, a very happy tomorrow to all, I'll be in the car driving for about 15 to 16 hours, so think of me as you're home sipping coffee or hot cocoa, as I'm stuck in a car, dodging deer, road debris, pissed-off truckers and the like as if I'm in a demented video game that never ends.  I'll have one day off to decompress, and then it's off to Allentown, Pennsylvania.  Road report will continue on Sunday when I get home unless something noteworthy happens along the way.

Happy Spring!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Spinning Wheel

Spinning Wheel                                                                     746

Monday, April 11, 2005-11:51 CST

A happy good morning to all my journal readers; Ralph Tetta reporting from my tour of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, with a side stop in South Jacksonville, Illinois. 

The tour started out Friday morning with a nine-hour drive through Ontario, Canada, then turning northward through Michigan.  The weather was nice the whole way, and I arrived at the Bay Mills Casino in time to take a nice nap.  I only slept about 5 hours the night before the drive, and the nine hours in the car really kicked the wind out of me.

The show was great, about 320 people in attendance, and they turned almost 50 people away by my count.  Why they don't do two shows is beyond me....they charge 5 bucks at the door, and they put tickets on sale for the following week the morning after the show....do they realize what a goldmine they have going?  I think so, but dynamics may be a problem, turning the showroom over for a second show, staffing, etc.  And I guess casinos don't really have a big problem making money, so maybe I'm solving a problem that doesn't really exist.  Story of my life.....

The one thing I would complain about the casino (and I'm gonna complain about something......) is the physical plant is a little run down.  You know what kind of sleep you're going to get when you sit down on a bed, or throw your luggage on it....my mattress had no bounce whatsoever.  I described it to my wife over the phone like this...."Honey, I'm sleeping on the Bed of A Thousand Humps!"

Saturday morning, it was off the Illinois....700 miles worth.  I got out really early, and took some nice photos of the Mackinac bridge.....the longest suspension bridge in the world.  It's just 28 feet shy of 5 miles long, and the only reason I know that is because the only radio station that was coming in well was the bridge information network....it's about a 4 minute bridge history message that runs over and over on 1620 AM or something like that.

It was about 11 hours to Illinois, and I was treated by a doe running in front of my car about 2 hours into the trip.  I totally saw her like a half mile away, and so I was in no danger, but those Bambis are my biggest fear as a road comic.  Animals usually get the worst of the exchange in a collision, but I'd rather die than wait for Triple A to come to the North Country of Michigan to tow my wrecked car to a garage.  Speaking of dead animals, I saw possibly the strangest sight ever on route 10 in Michigan.  There was a small stretch of the road going through construction, and on the left there was a row of orange cones, and on the right, a series of small indentations drilled into the road, shaped like squares, probably about 10 feet apart, and they were all ringed with hot pink flourescent paint...I guessed that they were about to dig up the road, repave, or whaterver.  Traffic was slowed down to about 30 mile an hour, so I had time to look down and spot a piece of roadkill, a dead raccoon, laying on the right side of the road, and mysteriously, he had been painted over by the construction crew....not entirely, just the small pink ring that encircled all of the drilled indentations.

Now, I'm guessing that the drilling and painting were done automatically as a driver just navigated the vehicle down the road, and either the little guy was already dead, or got in the way of the drill and got drilled AND painted in the same stroke, but it was just kind of odd seeing a raccoon with a pink face....it was like the ultimate indignity.

The Country Club in Jacksonville was great, lots of older folks in the audience, and a squeaky clean performance by yours truly.  I wound up riffing on a bit that I think I'm going to keep because it worked very well.  I won't tell you the bit here, wait for my show!  Then Sunday morning after a well-deserved night of rest (I slept until 8 AM!!!  Whooo!) it was off to Harris, Michigan.

By all rights, the trip should have taken 7 hours or so, but in fact, took almost 9.  My itinerary indicated that the show was at 7:00 PM CST, but actually, it was 7:00 PM EST, which means I arrived at the casino only 15 minutes before showtime, not an hour and fifteen like I thought.  A quick rush into stage clothing and it was off to the show.

The show wasn't bad, they usually get quite a few people out for the comedy, but the stage has a full servicebar in the pit right in front of it, and then a row of video poker machines, so the comedy customers have quite a moat in between them and the comics.  They laugh, but you can't hear them on stage.....the casino full of slot machines rings right at you, and you really have no idea if you're killing or bombing.  The upshot is that they buy you dinner in the beautiful Firelight dining room, which last night consisted of the Surf 'N' Turf, chili, shrimp cocktail, and coconut cream pie.  They really know how to treat the talent here.  A $40 dinner for free!  And then after cashing my paycheck, I lost $40 in the nickel slots.  Casinos are NOT stupid.  If they don't get you on the front end, they'll get you on the back end.  And boy, is my back end sore.  I lost 800 nickels!

Today I started out the day by soaking in the jacuzzi in my room....jacuzzi suite for the comics...it's one of the reasons I keep coming back to Chip-In's....and now I'm taking a short break at the public library in Iron Mountain to type this journal entry.  Iron Mountain is my friend Al Wixson's wife Jaime's home town.  I stopped in a Goodwill store and found a pair of blue jeans, next to new, in MY SIZE!!!!  They were $6.99, so I jumped on them.  Of course, I had no idea that because they had a pink tag, they were 50% off, so I wound up with nice new pants for $3.50.  My wife is teaching me to be a smart shopper, but she doesn't like the second-hand stores so much.  I love 'em!

So it's off to Duluth, Minnesota, for a day off, probably to do laundry, and then tomorrow night, the big show at the Tap Room.  If you're in the area, stop by.  And if you're reading me regularly, drop me a line once in a while to say hello.  I check my e-mail every chance I get.

Best Wishes from the North Coast of America!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

That Was Yesterday

That Was Yesterday                                                      730

Thursday, April 7, 2005-1:22 P.M.

I'm very excited about my road trip this weekend...it's a long one up to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, with a side trip to Illinois and ending up in Duluth, Minnesota.  I lined this tour up with Summit Comedy, one of the finer booking agencies in the country, and it's mostly casinos, which means my language and topicality are going to have to be more clean and scatologically unbased (how's that for dancing around a point?).

Pamela and I managed to get our taxes done online the other night.  It's a weight off my shoulders to be able to get on the road without that hanging over my head.  I always try to take care of as much business as possible before long road trips (this weekend doesn't get me home until Wednesday....there's a Tuesday night show and a day off on Monday).  It's nice not to come home and have to hit the ground running, especially after 16 hours in the car (my estimated drive home from Duluth).  Also, with the one-year-old, my wife has enough to do and I don't like to shovel more on her plate than I have to...it wouldn't be courteous, would it?

I've been thinking about the old days, when I first started comedy back in 1988, and how I used to conduct myself.  There was a show every week, open mic night on a Wednesday, and it was like a pack of blind squirrels trying to find a nut to see some of us getting on stage and trying to be funny.  We had no sense of what writing a joke was, no sense of promoting ourselves as a talent, no business acumen whatsoever.  But to our credit, we had energy, tried new things every week (regardless of how half-baked they were), and stayed up late every night drinking cofee and eating cheeseburgers at the Peppermill and trying to think of some way to break through that invisible wall, to be taken seriously and to "make it in this business."

Today, there's no gathering, no joke-writing bull sessions, no late-night coffee, just an endless striving to find the next paying gig, get there, and get home with the money.  The quality of the shows we do are better, butthe fun is largely gone.  Art begins from the seed called love, but commerce strips that away so quickly...it's the difference between the passion of a gardener watering the begonias in the back yard, enjoying their beauty and sprucing up the place where they live, and the factory farmer, spreading fertilizer acres at a time and trying to maximize the cash value of a crop.

Case in point; my long road trip this weekend would be the perfect time to load a buddy into the car, and have somebody to pal around with all weekend, seeing the sights, having new adventures, and thousands of miles of time to talk about comedy and think up new ideas and bullshit around in general.  Instead, it's a surgical strike, a long distance drive that I'll make alone, like a mercenary, an assassin, to get there, get the job done, and get home as quickly as possible.  The blood is gone.  There is no fun, the main reason I got into comedy to begin with.  Showtime will be as fun as I allow it to be, which will probably be not much.  The "clean" shows are tight, like walking through a minefield, every joke second-guessed as far as what I can and can't say.  And where is the line of acceptability?  What's clean to me may not be clean to another person.  Is cleanliness the absence of foul language, or is it the absence of any impolite material whatsoever?  Get the money and get home, as quickly as possible.

At least I have my small family to come home to...my wife Pamela and my baby daughter, Harmony.  Their photos on my nightstand at the hotel keep me focused, the sense memory of their hugs and kisses drive me home, keeping my right foot strong on the pedal.  Other comics come home to bare apartments, a mailbox full of window envelopes and final notices, and a cold bed.  And God help me, I was one of them.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Riding The Storm Out

Riding The Storm Out                                          713

Monday, April 4, 2005-1:37 P.M.

Closing out the weekend in Merrillville, Indiana...what a hell ride it was getting home.  After the two shows Saturday night, which were o.k., no great shakes, I got a nice night's sleep and prepared for the odyssey ahead.  I had a 580 mile drive, roughly a nine hour trip by my estimation, but I had the added bonus of losing one hour to daylight's saving time, and one hour for the time change from the Central to the Eastern time zone.  I got out of the hotel by 9:20 A.M., so I instantly set my watch and car clock to 11:20 A.M., and cursed that half the daylight driving day was gone.

Upon loading the car, I was treated to the unexpected pleasure of having difficulty with my ignition key.  It opened the car just fine, but wouldn't turn the ignition to start the car until I wiggled it around.  Not a good sign; bad when you're near home, definitely bad when you're nine hours and half a thousand miles away from home.

I drove about 80 miles and stopped at the travel oasis at Howe, Indiana, and upon returning to my car, was greeted by the same problem, however, wiggling the key did nothing.  I was stranded!  I thought the key might be bent, or the wheel locked, but no such luck.  I called AAA, which were as useful as a pig with side pockets....the first truck was to arrive in a little over an hour, and then I got a call indicating that they were swamped, and another truck was coming in 45 minutes.  I was as stranded as stranded could be.

I went into the gas station and struck up a conversation with the two girls working there, and they gave me a couple of numbers for locksmiths.  I got a very skilled locksmith by the name of Ron www.ronslockandkey.com who wasn't able to get the key situation settled, but he removed my dashboard panel, removed the lock barrel, and started my car with a pair of needlenose pliers.  I drove the car hot the whole way home, fueling up with the car running.  I know that's a no-no, but I didn't have any other choices.

Driving was good until Cleveland and Erie, Pennsylvania, who got hit with a foot of snow or more the day before.  Erie must have really gotten caught with their pants down, because they had to close the 90 Expressway, putting me on a slow crawling detour through North Erie.  By the time I was routed back onto the 90 back into New York, it was 1:30 in the morning.  We then proceded to sit on the Expressway, not moving, as ten miles of cars were allowed to start driving again.  I must have been at the back of the pack, because we didn't start rolling until almost 3:30.  I actually fell asleep for half an hour, which actually felt good.

The road wasn't exactly plowed; there were caterpillar ruts like they actually used backhoes to clear the road....I guess I've gotten spoiled as a New York State resident, because we actually have snowplows and trucks and the like to clear the snow.  I thought I was a tank gunner in Beirut, Lebanon driving over that stretch of the road.  I almost kissed the ground when I got back into New York, because lo and behold, they were actually plowed clean to the ground.

To tie things up, I got the car to a Toyota dealership where my wife met me, and they have already repaired the damaged cylinder.  I got home at 7 A.M.,  and I feel like my body was thrown down the stairs and stepped on about a hundred times.

One note.  If you know you're going to be stranded in a traffic jam, which I did, thanks to my good comedy buddy Steve Burr who was reporting to me ahead of time as he left St. Louis the night before and had to drive through the same area, three things are very, very important.

1.  If you can stop and get a piece of food or water, do it.  There's nothing worse than getting a miss-meal cramp because you've got no Slim Jims in the car.  Also, water is nice...it rehydrates the system and keeps your mouth from getting all pasty.

2.  Fuel up.  I saw many cars that just plain old ran out of gas because they were sitting, running, and not going anywhere for eight to nine hours.

3.  And last but not least, gentlemen, carry a bottle to piss in if the chips are down.  I used mine five times on the trip home, and can happily tell you right now that my bladder holds a half litre.  Luckily, I had a one-litre Aquafina bottle to work with....nice wide spout and large capacity....nothing worse than getting pee in your car.

It's nice to be home.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Bad Moon Risin' 702

Bad Moon Risin'

Saturday, April 2, 2005-12:57 P.M. CST

Reporting from Merrillville, Indiana, deep in the heart of Chicagoland and the home of the Wisecrackers Comedy Club, situated in the beautiful Raddison Star Plaza Hotel, I can say that April Fool's Day was a red-letter day for comedians.  Maybe it was a full moon, or a dead moon, I don't know

After conversations with a few of my comedy buddies, it seems as though we all went through several rings of Hell last night in our comedy lives.  I won't bother intimating others' stories, I will regale you only with my own.

First show, 8:00 PM, was a complete debacle, the likes of which I have never seen before.  The recipe for disaster started with a table of four, seated directly in front of the stage, who were celebrating a birthday by one of the young ladies (O.K., she wasn't that young) by drinking like there was no tomorrow.  They kibitzed, harangued, interrupted, heckled, offered assides, and generally stopped me from doing my job all through my 30-minute set.  I usually don't mind the hecklers, as I take pleasure in destroying them (as most comics do), but I was being interrupted during the set-ups to my jokes....just blatantly disrespectful behavior, not unlike going to the movies, sitting way up high in the raked auditorium, and putting your hand in front of the projector.  George Carlin calls it "theft of services," and for the 100 give-or-take a few people in the club, services were being thefted at a remarkable rate.

Cut to Chris "Boom Boom" Johnson, my partner in crime this week, and a very funny headliner.  He lasted less than a minute with heckle girl before he really started laying into her.  He then proceded to collect money from the audience to refund her table their admissions...$40 would have covered it, he got $47 and gave them the $40 and left $7 for the poor waitress (who in all honesty, was probably guilty of over-serving the table....get that, establishment owners and liquor license holders....there's a concept called OVER SERVING) and then security escorted them out to a chorus of cheers by the rest of the audience.  After the show, we were regaled with drinks, hugs and love, and sold quite a bit of our souvenir merchandise.  It was the single most bizarre show I had ever been involved with.  Truthfully, and a quick perusal of my earlier journal entries will bear this out, I have never really had a fun time at this club, and I'm beginning to understand why.  The club management really doesn't manage the club, they manage the admissions and the drinks.  The rest of the show is a fuck-fest of do-whatever-you-want and damn the consequences.  And as a frustrate performer, who exactly do I complain to?  The booker?  The Food and Beverage Director of the hotel?  The club manager?  Any one of these routes will certainly do nothing except insure that I never play the club again.  Which begs the question, actually....do I really want to play the club again?  I guess I'm the eternal optimist, who believes that over time, things will improve.  And yet, in four years that I've been performing at this club, they really haven't improved.  The crowd is red-necky and  uncontrolled, and the club staff really don't agressively try to reign them in at all.

Exhibit B, just to prove that I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill here, was the second show last night.  A large, bald-headed gentleman who I picked on a little bit (he had it coming....he was ordering drinks like he was at a Cubs playoff game) had to use the bathroom, so he left the showroom.  Instead of going down one floor to where the men's room was, he went upstairs and pissed in the stairwell.  The urine then proceded to leak down the stairs to where the crowd would exit (luckily there was another exit that they were directed to) AND THE GUY WASN'T ASKED TO LEAVE!  THEY KNEW IT WAS HIM, AND THEY LET HIM STAY AND ENJOY THE REST OF THE SHOW!

Now, I may just be a simple teller of jokes, but I know how many fingers make ten, and those ten fingers should have grabbed this guy by the scruff of the neck and the seat of the pants, and slid him out of the club like shit through a goose.  Instead, they gave him a V.I.P. card and served him some more drinks.  Outrageous.  I understand why comics who have been in the game for 20 years or more always tell me that they want to open their own club....they're sick and tired of seeing clubs run poorly (or not at all!) and want to do it "the right way."  It's actually very simple; provide adequate sound and lights, play music in the showroom before and after the show to provide some sort of ambiance, treat your guests well and don't allow them to get belligerent or to interrupt the show, first with a gentle reminder, then a firmer gesture,and finally with ejection.  It is disrespectful to the guests who know how to come out and have a good time (AND SPEND MONEY!!!!) to allow any one person or small group of persons to ruin it for everyone else.

Also, treating the comics a bit nicely doesn't hurt either....we're not Lippizaner Stallions that have to brushed for three hours and fed rose petals, but offer us a sandwich or a cocktail on the house, for God's sake.  We're not an interruption of your job, we're your partner for the week!  We do the show, you serve the food and drinks, the customers have a nice evening of entertainment, and everyone profits.  Is that so hard?

And then White Castle fucked up my drive-through order.  The only thing worse than shitty food is shitty wrong food.

O.K., I've vented, and now I am purged.  Dammit!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Flirtin' With Disaster

Flirtin' With Disaster

Friday, April 1, 2005-12:16 P.M.

Reporting from Spring Lake, Michigan, on the (almost) shores of majestic Lake Michigan.  Last night's show at the Holiday Inn turned out to be what I expected-fuck or fight night.  Half the room (thankfully, the half closest to the stage) was attentive and really wanted a show, the other half (in the back) wanted to heckle and talk during my entire set.  The headliner, Chris "Boom Boom" Johnson, made it a point to shred one particularly rude older gentleman when he walked out of the room because he was overly talkative and responded to requests that he quiet down with a dismissive wave of his hand.  I'm always flattered when my co-stars on the bill leap to my defense, because I'm not very good with just asking people nicely to be quiet...it always comes across like I'm the substitute teacher or something, and I get all the respect of Al Gore on the Bill O'Reilly Show.

The drive in was a bitch and a half....all across Ontario and into Michigan, the wind whipped and wailed, and three times, my car was dragged by the wind into another lane.  The fact that I was going between 75 and 85 miles an hour probably didn't help.  When I finally got to Spring Lake, I overshot the hotel and attempted a U-turn, and almost bashed into a small white car coming from the other direction.  God must love bad drivers and fools, because He saved my life yesterday.  Also, I'm seeing a general increase in the dead animal population, particularly in Michigan....it's almost as if the deer are committing suicide.  Raccoons, too.  It's a little curious.

I just got an e-mail from Bobby Dean from Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, offering me not one, not two, but three weeks of work this Summer.  After I check my book to make sure I'm not driving across half the country to get to the dates, I'm going to accept at least one or two if not all three of the weeks, which would pare my unbooked schedule down to a mere eight weeks.  2005 is turning out to be an incredible year...I think I should pinch myself, actually.

Which leads me to yet another gripe....I'm starting to realize I have too much material.  When I hit the stage, I get 25 to 35 minutes to warm the air, unless I'm filling the ever-so-rare closing spot, where I get 45 minutes to an hour.  I simply can't get out all of the material I want to do.  I need to find a way to stanch the gluttony of doing every single joke I ever wrote, but I still come off stage whining to myself that I didn't get to do this bit or that bit, or the piece I came up with in the car on the way to the gig.  I should just be happy that I'm getting paid on a weekly basis to stand in front of a crowd of people and talk to them, tell them what's on my mind, and make them laugh.  Or heckle.

Not to shift gears so suddenly, but today the Pope's health has taken a very grave turn.  Whether or not you are Catholic, I ask that your prayers go out for him today, either for health and recovery, or more likely, a painless and quick passing to his final reward.  And if you're the praying type, also throw a prayer in for peace amongs Terry Shiavo's living relatives, who I understand are bickering after her death about the final arrangements for her burial and/or cremation and memorial.  The time for arguement and divisiveness in our world is over.  We need to pray for peace and commiseration.

Peace be to you.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY