Talk Dirty

Talk Dirty                                           2446

Friday, December 2, 2005-4:43 P.M.

Well, I arrived safely in Johnson City, Tennessee, nestled in the crook between the Appalachian, Smokey and Blue Ridge Mountains.  And it only took 7 hours to get here!  Of course, I was averaging 80 miles an hour...

Last night at Froggy's was one of the strangest gigs I've ever done.  It was in Paducah, Kentucky, and it was just a straight-up redneck bar.  Like American flag red, not Crayola red, either.  The owner came up to myself and Stephen Juliano Moore (the headliner) and read us the riot act before we got onstage that we should just shoot our material out the door, and give the crowd a verbal beating, be loud, dirty, obnoxious, offensive, and keep it coming.

Well, he was right about one thing, that's exactly what his crowd wanted.  I gave them as much dirt as I could, and they liked it, but it turned into a group discussion, with me being a moderator.  At one point, Craig (a guy in the front row) got on stage and stuck his tongue in my ear.  It was fertile ground for comedy, but I never want that to happen again.  Stephen did his show, and he's a fine funny fellow, but you could tell that he was not a razor-fight comic.  He had a few walkouts, and that's sad, because this was a room that is setting up comedy in the wrong direction...instead of changing the comics, they should be working on getting the crowds to understand more of how it works.  There are rules of conduct when you go to a movie theater (no talking, sit down, don't put your hand in front of the projector), there should be rules at any live performance where people pay to hear comedy.

Anyway, they said they liked me and I signed a picture, so I suppose I'll be back at some point, but I need a raise or something if I'm gonna get aural sex from a hillbilly.  I was in such a state of mind that I actually needed a shot of whiskey to steady my nerves after the set.  I had a shot of Jim Beam Black, the first alcohol I've had since June 17th (touring with Charlotte, North Carolina's Paul Hooper will do that to you).

I'm goose-egging on product this week, and I goose-egged last week.  I'm owning it up to the beginning of the Christmas shopping season, and also because I had some bad shows.  There were only about 30 people in the club last night, so I expected nothing...there seems to be a critical mass of people necessary to sell merchandise.  Although at the Fireside Restaurant in Gloversville, NY a few weeks ago, I had fewer people and cleaned up.  I guess I could analyze it until I'm blue in the face, but I think I'll just remain thankful that the gas is so much cheaper down here in Tennessee and Kentucky than it is back home.  I haven't paid more than $1.99 a gallon since I left New York State.  So merchandise sales aren't crucial to help offset traveling expenses, but they always help.

O.K., so I have a couple of shows coming up tonight, the first of which is at 8:00 P.M., so I'm going to catch a nap.  Luckily, the Comedy Zone is right here in the hotel, so all I have to do is take the elevator to the club.  That's a bonus.

Hope you're well, wherever you are.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY