Before It Sleeps

Before It Sleeps                                      2054

Friday, October 21, 2005-12:43 A.M.

I go back to work tonight...it feels good and lousy at the same time.  I've got about a 12-hour drive in front of me, and I should be sleeping right now.  Still, once I get into the car, around 4 A.M., all I have to do is make it to daylight, and my system will check in to awake mode, and I'll roll into Greensboro, North Carolina in time for a nap, shower and a nice meal before my 8:30 early show.

My sleep is all screwed up anyways from that sleep study I did the other night...first, I had to reset my internal clock to sleep between 8 o'clock at night and 6 o'clock in the morning...prime waking hours for me for the last 20 years.

I arrived on time at the Sleep Disorders Center of Rochester with a small bag in tow, and right away, two of the clinic workers, Cindy and Karin, started on me.  "You better make us laugh tonight!" they said.  I didn't know how they knew I was a comic, so I just smiled and told them that I was off the clock. 

They got me set up in a small room, set up like a bedroom if your bedroom was outfitted by a hospital.  There was a TV (local channels only...it never got turned on while I was there), a nightstand/bureau, a table with fresh linens, a bed, and a coat rack on the wall.  There was a water cooler down the hall, and a community bathroom with a shower down the hall, and sad to say, I've stayed in worse accomodations in my career as a road comic.  Berwick, Pennsylvania comes to mind...the lodging was upstairs from the nightclub, and the whole place was a remodeled whorehouse. 

I read for about an hour, and then Cindy and Karin told me it was going to take about an hour to hook me up to all of the sensors they would need to monitor my sleep.  I got hooked up around 9 o'clock, figuring I'd be good 'n' sleepy by 10.  Cindy was training, and during the hour it took to hook up all the sensors, many of which required this goopy glue (in my hair, on my chest, on my legs....yuck), we made conversation.  I asked Cindy how she came about this type of work, and found out she has a background in Veterinary Pharmacology.  She dispensed medicine to house pets.  I never felt like I was in such good hands.

I went to sleep around 11 o'clock, and woke up around Midnight.  The creepy thing is that Cindy and Linda, the technician who took over for Karin, came into my room with flashlights to reconnect the sensors that I had sweated off.  It was pretty weird.

I didn't get back to sleep for what seemed like forever, and when I had to go to the bathroom, they had to take the control box that al of the sensor wires were connected to and hang it around my neck.  I felt like a cyborg for a minute or two, a cyborg that had to pee.

They woke me up at 5:40, and apparently, I had actually gone back to sleep.  They only needed two hours to collect the data they needed, which is good, because I don't think I gave them much more than two hours of sleep.  I do most of my sleeping between 4 AM and Noon, not counting the sleep I get behind the wheel of a car I happen to be operating.  I left the clinic, got some bagels for the ride home, and went home to (what else) sleep.  I get the results in two to three weeks, so I'll update you when that comes in.

OK, so now I'm off to sleep...it's difficult, because the anticipation of finally getting back on a comedy stage after 12 nights off is like the night before Christmas for me.

I'll check in with you later tonight or Saturday morning at the latests.  Get some sleep.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY