Monster Mash

Monster Mash                                         2134

Saturday, October 29, 2005-1:20 A.M. (Tuesday Morning)

Another fine week on the road is over for your buddy Ralph, and I eagerly await returning home, heat or no heat.

Pamela and Harmony accompanied me on my roadtrip to Jr.'s Last Laugh Comedy Club in Erie, Pennsylvania.  This marks Harmony's first trip out of state, and the furthest west she has ever traveled in her young life.

We packed as light as possible, and did a pretty good job; we didn't wind up leaving anything important home.  Of course, the fact that Erie has a Wegman's grocery store (Rochester's finest) helped out when we needed to fill in some odds 'n' ends.

We didn't wind up doing anything fun, just going out for lunch as a family, and then I would abandon the girls in the hotel room while I walked down the street to the club.  The Ramada Inn, formerly the Holiday Inn, is just a short walk from the club, which is a great advantage.  We did get a little shopping done, taking advantage of Pennsylvania's tax policy that declares clothing and food as necessities and therefore non-taxable.  Pam bought some nice shirts, and we saved a bunch of money, which is always nice.

This week's shows were interesting, to say the least.  There were folks dressed for Halloween at every show, with much more participation on Thursday than on Friday, and more on Friday than Saturday.  I guess if I rented a costume, I'd want to get as much mileage out of it as possible.  There was one gentleman they rolled in on a guerney, and I thought he had the best Halloween costume, but as it turns out,  was just disabled.  Who knew?  I'm glad I didn't say anything.  His party brought him up to the headliner and me after the show to say hello, and I think he liked us because he blinked twice.  That's a standing ovation, as far as I'm concerned.

This week, I worked with headliner Joby Saad, who was filling in for Derek Richards, whose Florida home was damaged by Hurricane Wilma, and Dominic Dierkes, a funny lad from Tennessee who now lives in New York City.  We had fun all week, although with the family in tow, I wasn't much for hanging around during the day.  Jeremy Schachter, an old friend from Rochester, was in town doing a college show, and he stopped by for the late show tonight and did a guest spot/audition set.  I felt bad for the guy, he comes by to showcase his wares, and he winds up pulling the lousiest attended show to prove what he can do.  We all fought like dogs, but it wound up being one of the loosest and most satisfying shows of the week (for me, anyway).

Now it's time to take advantage of Daylight Savings Time and get an extra hour of sleep, and then pack up the caravan for the trip home to Rochester.  Next week is South Bend, Indiana, and a return to the Funny Bone, which I am very much looking forward to.

Happy Halloween, and don't eat too much candy!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Spin The Black Circle

Spin The Black Circle                                2114

Wednesday, October 26, 2005-10:44 P.M.

I'd like to thank everyone who wrote and wished my family well during our heating crisis.  If you haven't been keeping up, our furnace crapped the bed, and even though we have the good people at Ryan Heating and Cooling on tap to install a new one, there's a significant waiting list, and we have no heat until they get to us, hopefully before the snow starts flying.

But today, I went out and got one of those nice area heaters, and we set it up in the bedroom, and it made it nice and toasty!  Luckily, our apartment is small enough that it doesn't take a lot of wattage to warm or cool the air.  So we're not going to die.  I appreciate the cards and letters, but in all honesty, I'm going to have to send the checks back.  And thank you, my friends (you know who you are).

So today was a nice quiet day, spent indoors and enjoying the latest Spin magazine.  Pamela subscribes to it, I think, just to remind me of how un-hip I am.  Which hurts, truth be told, because I used to work in college radio, and I was cooler than King Kong, Hollywood and the House of Guitars put together.  But you get busy with a demanding career, wife, family and etc., and somehow the music thing gets past you.  Still, I have a few notes:

Public Enemy has a new album out called New Whirl Odor, and it may be the first new album purchase for me in almost 10 years.  I've always loved Chuck D.'s lyrics and unapologetic style, and that thing Flavor Flav does, whatever you want to call it.  Sheila Rayam, a reviewer for the Rochester Democrat & Chronicle newspaper, said it sounded "old," which I think is a weak criticism...without even hearing the album, I think she's trying to say that it doesn't sound like the rap and hip-hop that's being produced today, and frankly, I consider that a good thing.

Spin's essential songs to download are a complete mystery to me...not only have I never downloaded a song, who are these bands?  I've heard of Radiohead, and Gang of Four, and thank god Charles Mingus is on there...I know him, but he's been dead for years.  But who are these other bands?  My MorningJacket?  Fat Lip?  Cut Copy?  They have Echo and the Bunnymen on there, but I didn't listen to them in the 80's, and I probably won't go out of my way to listen them now.

Slash and Duff McKagan, formerly of Guns 'n' Roses, are suing Axl Rose for selling the back catalogue of the band to Sanctuary records.  Slash and Duff are making megabucks in their new band, Velvet Revolver, and Axl is eating macaroni and cheese.  Where's the love, fellas?

Three of the New York Dolls are dead...I knew that, but I could only name Johnny Thunders.  I could give you David Johansen (Buster Poindexter to you, loser).  I still bob up and down when I hear "Personality Crisis."  Don't you?

I thought Green Day sucked out loud when they debuted 10 or 12 years ago, and now I think they're o.k.  "Boulevard of Broken Dreams" still sucks, though...punks don't do ballads, guys.

The RZA from Wu-Tang Clan did a one-page interview, and he said "No disrespect, but even white girls' booties are big now!"  I just came back from the South, and I can tell you why that is...it's because Crackas put pork in every G**Damn thing...it's green beans, kids, it doesn't need chunks of ham!  Still, I like a big booty, so God Bless America.

Gwen Stefani has no chest; why is she a sex symbol?  Also, what is a "hollaback girl?"  Am I just too white to get this?

I'm looking forward to the new Johnny Cash biopic starring Joaquin Phoenix.  It looks pretty good, and Cash had an interesting life, to say the least, and I like his music a lot.  I have been listening to the Bob Dylan tribute concert a lot lately, and Johnny does a cover of "It Ain't Me, Babe" that is hotter than fish grease.

Lou Reed has a new album coming out called The Other Side, and it features a duet with Lita Ford.  Now that's a track I want to hear.  I think Lou Reed is great, and I had a severe teenage metal fanboy crush on Lita Ford back in the 80's.  Lou Reed wrote "Walk On The Wild Side" and "Sweet Jane," and for that alone, he should be in the Rock 'n' Roll hall of fame.  Coincidentally, he has a track on the Dylan tribute concert...he does "Foot of Pride," and it sounds like he wrote it...it has that chugging shuffle rhythm that he uses on "Sweet Jane," and he sings the lyrics like he means them.  I don't mean to gush, but damn it's good.

I heard a few songs from Damian Marley's Welcome To Jamrock CD while I was in D.C. last month, one of the comics I had lunch with had it in the car.  It's very good, and he does his father's legacy well with the combination reggae, rock and even a little hip-hop in the mix.  Because it's so good, it'll sell 25,000 copies and won't be on the radio eight months from now.  America sucks.

O.K., that's enough for now.  Pam and Harmony are making the trip with me to Erie, Pennsylvania tomorrow, and I'm so excited!  All the benefits of working, with none of the loneliness!  I know it's going to be a bit of a drag, hauling all of the baby stuff that's going to have to come along (babies carry more gear than mountain climbers), but it's going to be fun!  And probably a learning experience, too.

Have yourself a good one...I'll be reporting along the way.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Drive

Drive                                         2099

Tuesday, October 25, 2005-6:25 P.M.

I'm home from North Carolina, and it rained the whole way.  The hurricanes this season are something else, and if it's not global warming, there's definitely some other forces afoot, because I can't remember it ever being this bad in a single year.

Saturday night at the Comedy Zone in Greensboro, NC was special...to give you an indication of the madness that ensued, there were two girls in the audience that showed the headliner their coochies...and not even for money, just because he asked.  I never understood that low-level whoring around, especially why it seems to be so much more prevalent in the Bible belt.  It seems that people would be so much more God-fearing, but that's apparently not the case, from my constant touring experience in the American southeast.

I got back into Rochester around Midnight, and I was sad to leave the 200 miles (or so) of Pennsylvania behind me....they had the cheapest gas prices of any of the six states I drove through in the last four days....$2.29 a gallon.  I wished I had a 55-gallon drum in the car, I would have filled it up...that's 5 1/2 tanks of gas in my car.

On the way home, it was raining constantly, and I got up late, and my only thoughts were, "I'm never going to get home at this rate!" and with that in mind, I drove between 80 and 85 miles an hour the whole way.  I don't advise it for normal human beings, but I guess I gave up that label a long time ago.  I still wound up keeping it to a 13-hour drive.  When I got home, I was awake and alert...by all rights, I should have fallen asleep at the wheel, but I guess I paced myself just right.

It's colder than the bottom of a well in my house, but we have a heating and cooling company scheduled to install our new furnace pretty soon.  Hopefully the snow will hold off until that happens, but in the meantime, it's sweaters, sweatpants, and big comforters on the bed.

And with that, I bid you adieu.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Mr. Brownstone

Mr. Brownstone                                             2071

Saturday, October 22, 2005-12:38 P.M.

It was more like an 11-hour drive.  I'm in Greensboro, North Carolina, and I'm somewhat back to normal.  I left Rochester yesterday morning around 5 A.M., and after gassing up and hitting the ATM for traveling money, I actually got on the road at around 5:20.  My RandMcNally.com directions had tagged my arrival time in Greensboro for 12 hours and 15 minutes later...if they held up, I was looking at a 5:35 P.M. arrival time...three hours before showtime, plenty of time for a shower, nap and a meal.  If there was a delay, I could forego the meal, nap and shower (in that order) as time dictated.  Luckily, that was not the case.  My first few hours of my trip, traffic was light and I averaged 80 miles per hour on the route 90.  Pennsylvania was also a breeze, and I hit Pittsburgh, PA, normally a 6 hour drive, in about 4 1/2 hours.

It started warming up in West Virginia, and I ditched my light jacket and hoodie sweatshirt.  It was damn cold, under 40 degrees when I left Rochester, and all I could think of was my wife and daughter home with no heat.  Our furnace is on tap to be replaced by next week, but this week, high temperatures are only scheduled to be in the low 50's, and the low 40's by next week.  I'm in Erie, Pennsylvania next week, about 2 1/2 hours from home, and I'd like to take Pammey and Harmony with me, just so they'll have lodging with warmth.  I've learned a valuable lesson this month...don't take your furnace for granted....try firing it up before it starts getting cold to make sure it's working.

I rolled into Greensboro around 4:00 P.M....an hour and a half ahead of schedule, and despite some light traffic coming through Winston-Salem.  I carried an electric wok and some canned goods this trip, a little experiment in some hotel-room cooking.  I've been at this club a couple of times, and new that they supplied a small kitchenette type setup, with a small fridge and a sink, but no microwave or oven.  I brought spaghetti, bottled sauce, and cans of diced tomatoes.  I also brought tomato soup and green beans, some apples and oatmeal.  There really isn't any food close by the hotel, and I'm sick of fast food and the weight I'm having difficulty in shedding because of it.  I whipped up some linguine, and damn if it didn't taste great!  I boiled the spaghetti in the wok, drained it and removed it and heated up the sauce and diced tomatoes.  After the sauce was hot, I added the linguine and realized I had no bowls or plates to serve it on, so I enjoyed it right out of the wok.  I picked up some plastic bowls at a mini-mart next to the club later, so I'm set up for that.  I had spoons, knifes and forks, but forgot the plates...that's what happens when you pack at 4 o'clock in the morning with three hours of sleep.

Our shows at the Comedy Zone were excellent...the Friday late show was tough, as most Friday late shows are, but I had a good time and had excellent audience feedback and product sales were better than usual for this club.  I keep track of that sort of thing for tax purposes, and sometimes I make more out of it than I should.  Chris Wiles, the local hero who is the house m.c., was in attendance, and looking skinnier than I remember.  We joked around while Mutzie, the headliner from New Orleans, was on stage, and from what Chris said about drugs, I think he was joking without joking, if you know what I mean.  If he is on some sort of drug that's causing him to lose weight and look skeletal, I really pray for him, because I had my turn with cocaine back in 1993, and I can tell you that it's evil as evil can get, and hard as hell to beat.  He joked on stage about being on crack, and if that's the case, he's doomed because crack is 4 times worse than cocaine, and 4 times as cheap.  It's become a cliche, but it's really a one-way route to destruction.

Mutzie and I worked together, at this club, back on New Year's Eve.  We really didn't get a chance to chat much at that time, but we spent a little more time last night between shows catching up and he told me the story about how Hurricane Katrina wiped him and several of his family members out of their homes.  Luckily, no one died, and they wound up spending some time in Alabama where he was performing during the hurricane.  He told me that several comics and agents in the business stepped in and helped him when he lost a month of work at one of the casinos that closed due to the damage and evacuation.  Kudos to Chuck Johnson, of Summit Comedy, for helping out and making sure that Mutzie had some work and some money to ride the storm out.  Chuck's one of the good guys in the business, and I work for him whenever I can.  Now if only he'd headline me....

Today I plan on staying put until showtime.  I'm still a little drained from the drive, and I have food in the room, so I don't have to go anywhere if I don't want to.  I have a 92 mile drive tomorrow, and two shows in Fayetteville, North Carolina, then the long day-long drive home to Rochester.  I'm going to conserve my energy and maybe work some more on my book.

Catch you tomorrow with the Saturday night update, and don't forget to click on the Campbell's Chunky Soup Click For Cans promotion online and vote for New Orleans.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Before It Sleeps

Before It Sleeps                                      2054

Friday, October 21, 2005-12:43 A.M.

I go back to work tonight...it feels good and lousy at the same time.  I've got about a 12-hour drive in front of me, and I should be sleeping right now.  Still, once I get into the car, around 4 A.M., all I have to do is make it to daylight, and my system will check in to awake mode, and I'll roll into Greensboro, North Carolina in time for a nap, shower and a nice meal before my 8:30 early show.

My sleep is all screwed up anyways from that sleep study I did the other night...first, I had to reset my internal clock to sleep between 8 o'clock at night and 6 o'clock in the morning...prime waking hours for me for the last 20 years.

I arrived on time at the Sleep Disorders Center of Rochester with a small bag in tow, and right away, two of the clinic workers, Cindy and Karin, started on me.  "You better make us laugh tonight!" they said.  I didn't know how they knew I was a comic, so I just smiled and told them that I was off the clock. 

They got me set up in a small room, set up like a bedroom if your bedroom was outfitted by a hospital.  There was a TV (local channels only...it never got turned on while I was there), a nightstand/bureau, a table with fresh linens, a bed, and a coat rack on the wall.  There was a water cooler down the hall, and a community bathroom with a shower down the hall, and sad to say, I've stayed in worse accomodations in my career as a road comic.  Berwick, Pennsylvania comes to mind...the lodging was upstairs from the nightclub, and the whole place was a remodeled whorehouse. 

I read for about an hour, and then Cindy and Karin told me it was going to take about an hour to hook me up to all of the sensors they would need to monitor my sleep.  I got hooked up around 9 o'clock, figuring I'd be good 'n' sleepy by 10.  Cindy was training, and during the hour it took to hook up all the sensors, many of which required this goopy glue (in my hair, on my chest, on my legs....yuck), we made conversation.  I asked Cindy how she came about this type of work, and found out she has a background in Veterinary Pharmacology.  She dispensed medicine to house pets.  I never felt like I was in such good hands.

I went to sleep around 11 o'clock, and woke up around Midnight.  The creepy thing is that Cindy and Linda, the technician who took over for Karin, came into my room with flashlights to reconnect the sensors that I had sweated off.  It was pretty weird.

I didn't get back to sleep for what seemed like forever, and when I had to go to the bathroom, they had to take the control box that al of the sensor wires were connected to and hang it around my neck.  I felt like a cyborg for a minute or two, a cyborg that had to pee.

They woke me up at 5:40, and apparently, I had actually gone back to sleep.  They only needed two hours to collect the data they needed, which is good, because I don't think I gave them much more than two hours of sleep.  I do most of my sleeping between 4 AM and Noon, not counting the sleep I get behind the wheel of a car I happen to be operating.  I left the clinic, got some bagels for the ride home, and went home to (what else) sleep.  I get the results in two to three weeks, so I'll update you when that comes in.

OK, so now I'm off to sleep...it's difficult, because the anticipation of finally getting back on a comedy stage after 12 nights off is like the night before Christmas for me.

I'll check in with you later tonight or Saturday morning at the latests.  Get some sleep.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Dreamweaver

Dreamweaver                                    2034

Tuesday, October 18, 2005-2:38 P.M.

I'm back on the comedy horse again, after a week of inaction.  I'm looking forward to my road trip to Greensboro, North Carolina, and even though it's a 700 mile trip down and an even longer trip back home (there's a one-nighter in Fayetteville, North Carolina on Sunday night that pitches me slightly to the southeast and adds 100 miles or so to the return trip), I'm restless with the anticipation.  The Comedy Zone in Greensboro is a good room for me; I was special-requested there for New Year's Eve last year, and they wanted to have me three times this year, but a scheduling cock-up eliminated my July 4th weekend date.  Still, I enjoy the place, even though there are some comics who would rather not play the club.

You see, there's a guy who acts as the house mc at the Greensboro Comedy Zone, and his name is Chris Wiles.  Chris has a bit of a reputation in the field as being a joke thief.  Now, I don't know if this is true or not; I worked with him for a full weekend and I didn't hear anything familiar in his act, but that doesn't mean anything unless I've heard every bit that every comic out there does, and I haven't.  I will say that Chris was very kind to me, being the out-of-town talent and all, and the crowd loves him.

Now, the first time I worked this club, I featured, and Chris was destroying me left and right.  I couldn't figure out what was going on, although there was a slight "yankee" factor that I seemed to be battling, like as soon as the host indicated that I was from New York, I was the enemy and was to be hated, or at the very least, ignored.  I fought like a wild Indian to get the audience, engaging them directly, flinging my material at them like a machine gun, and still walking off stage to considerably less response than I'm used to.

When I got paid for the week, I told Paul, the manager, that I was sorry I didn't do better, and he indicated that he thought I was great and wanted me back.  I assumed it was kind words, but I found out later that he really meant them.  Apparently, I fared much better than the usual feature acts who passed through Greensboro, who all get destroyed by having to follow the local hero on stage.

The difference was that I didn't complain about having to follow Chris, I kept my professionalism, did my show, and kept working.  The last time I was there, New Year's Eve, Chris had his own show at a local auditorium, and my mc was a kid from Tennessee, who wasn't much of a challenge to follow.  Chris will be there this weekend, and I welcome the chance to follow him, now that I know what I'm in for.

The gig on Sunday is kind of a knife fight, two shows on a Sunday in a college/military town, but I've always done well there, even though they don't buy product much...it's a nice hotel, there's a good buffet restaurant in the same plaza, and it's good money.

I shouldn't even be awake right now...I have my sleep study tomorrow night to think about, and I need to get back on schedule.  I'll check in on Wednesday and let you know how it worked out.

Sweet dreams, my friends.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Stranglehold

Stranglehold                                      2009

Sunday, October 15, 2005-11:36 A.M.

Good morning.  Damn, I hate time off.  I don't mind a few days between gigs, but having a whole week off is making me feel like crap.

I've been sleeping more than usual, and despite a mad rush of housecleaning that Pamela and I got done yesterday, I'm hard pressed to list any achievments this week.

I had a plan to send out a bunch of DVD's to various booking agencies, and follow up on the ones I have out there already, but that idea went to hell.  It's cold and I'm depressed and all I want to do is sleep.  I even nixed the idea of heading out to the club this weekend to see D.C. Malone and Dave Ing...Annette Lorenzo is hosting and she's one of my students, so I wanted to throw her the support, but I just couldn't get out of the house.

I have a sleep apnea study that I have to do on Tuesday...that should be fun.  They're going to hook me up to sensors and see if I stop breathing when I sleep...I already know I do, because I fell asleep in a chair a few months ago, and woke myself up when I stopped getting air.  Sleep apnea is common, what happens is the soft tissue at the back of the throat collapses during sleep and cuts off the windpipe...the sleeper stops breathing until the body goes into suffocation mode and wakes the sleeper up, usually not enough to be fully awake, but enough to roll over or change positions, then back to sleep, and the cycle starts again.  The result is you sleep all night, but wake up groggy, and that's definitely what I've been doing.

I've been up for the last couple of hours, just listlessly trolling the internet, so I'm going back to sleep until the Bills kick off at 4:00.   They're playing the Jets, so maybe they'll win one today and I'll get out of my depression for a little while.  I sure hope so.

Blessings and tidings,

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Great White North

Great White North                                                2001

Saturday, October 15, 2005-1:19 A.M.

Good evening from the relatively warm but still furnace-less sanctuary of Pamela, Harmony and Ralph Tetta...God, I haven't had a Friday off in so long, I literally didn't know what to do, so I slept.  I woke up in time to watch "I, Robot" on HBO, and while it wasn't the greatest film I ever saw, it was pretty good.  When you pay for cable television, it's a good feeling watching a movie or two and figuring in the theater ticket or at least the Blockbuster rental fee on every movie you see, and hoping that it laps the monthly Time-Warner bill.

We had a few different heating & cooling places over today and got some estimates, and our landlord (my wife's aunt) is going to make a decision on who to go with, and we'll have heat before the snow starts flying.  I'm not so much concerned about Pam or myself, we can cope, but it's little Harmony that worries me.  She's a sturdy little girl, but she also has the bad habit of pulling her socks off and kicking off her covers (just like Papa), and I don't want her getting sick from being cold all night.  I could just be overly concerned, but when it's your only child, I don't think you can be too concerned.

Pamela the coupon queen set me up the other day for a trip to the grocery store, where I purchased 13 boxes of "Hot Pockets" brand sandwiches.  Now, the other night, I went on a rant because I hate all of the food she brings into the house when she shops....Pam's a vegetarian (who still eats fish and seafood), and she's raising Harmony to do the same.  I am allowed to eat whatever I want, but the compromise was always that I just respected her feelings and didn't bring meat into the house.  Fair is fair, and I lived with those rules for 11 years.  The other night, though, I snapped and bitched and just generally made a fuss, so Pam sent me off with coupons and I picked up the aforementioned Hot Pockets, in all their meaty glory.  I have to say that I've been quite content, food wise, these past few days, and what with being unemployed, I've needed all the contentment I could get.  I know on it's face it sounds quite pathetic, but I've gotten to the point where beef jerky and a can of Pringles is like a steak and baked potato to me.  I will definitely recommend the meatball and mozzarella pockets as being my favorite kind so far.

So, with Hot Pockets in hand, I did what every out-of-work comedian does...I trolled the internet for seven hours.  And I came across a forum that is interesting reading, to say the least.

The site is www.torontocomedy.com, and it is a discussion formum of all things comedy, originating out of Toronto, Canada.  There is a good amount of infighting, disagreement, toxic alienation, in-jokes, and some good advice, but for the most part, it bleeds with the bile that is the current state of Canadian comedy.

I started out doing comedy at Yuk Yuk's in Rochester, NY, which was the end of the Canadian tour.  Comics would work their way through Toronto, into Niagara Falls, down to Buffalo and then on to Rochester.  Buffalo's Yuk Yuk's became the Comedy Trap, and Rochester Yuk Yuk's merged with the Funny Bone to become Hiccup's, and all of those clubs are closed now.  Yuk Yuk's is the major comedy club chain in Canada, and has been for the last 25 years or so, I have to guess, and probably more.  Comedians like Jim Carrey and Howie Mandel are the bigger names that you would recognize who got their start with Yuk Yuk's.

Yuk Yuk's, to hear the comics who work with them, is run like a machine.  They are the champs at making money, providing entertainment for corporate events, running highly successful clubs, and working in other endeavors in the comedy and entertainment field, including retail, that make them hard to beat in Canada.

However, lately there has been unrest among the men and women who perform for Yuk Yuk's.  In an attempt to starve out other competing clubs who open in markets against Yuk Yuk's, they've forced their comics to sign non-compete contracts and roster agreements that offer no real work or protection, but prevent the acts from working other rooms.

Now, I'm no mathematician, but if a club or management company asked me to sign such an agreement and didn't offer at least 45 weeks of work a year, I'd be hard-pressed to go along with it.  How could you?  You'd work for only one employer, and for the number of weeks they decided they could use you, or face getting blackballed from the major employer in your whole country.  That's Country, with a capital "C."  That's a far cry from not working a particular region in the States because you don't get along with a particular booking agent....I'm a pretty good talent with NO name recognition or TV credits, and the only week I've had off this year is THIS one, and that's because I chose to take it off (financial reasons included). 

I feel terrible for my Canadian brothers and sisters who are laboring under such horrible conditions...the handful that can actually make a living are still in an unenviable situation as they can be cut off or cut loose at any moment with no recourse.  Loyalty that only goes one way isn't loyalty....it's fear.

When I started out in comedy, I was enthralled by the quality of the comedians that Yuk Yuk's sent through Rochester...my favorites being Wayne Flemming, Norm MacDonald, Kenny Robinson, Ron Vaudry, Ronnie Edwards, Wayne Turmel, Gary David, Glenn Foster, Jeremy Hotz, Lawrence Morgenstern, and the list goes on.  The rap on Yuk's at the time was that it was a mecca of comedy creativity with a no-holds-barred, anything goes mentality, and it showed in the performance of these Canadian comics who entertained here week after week.  If the situation has truly turned sour, that Yuk Yuk's is truly treating it's comics as an expendable commodity, then that is a sickening loss in the field I have chosen.

Maybe I'm too liberal, too union, or too Christian to see people being mistreated, cheated out of making a living, having their freedom of speech stifled and being bullied into signing agreements against their best interests, but that's just the way I see it.

Not to be trite or cliched, but it's certainly no laughing matter.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Southern Man

Southern Man                                                  1975

Thursday, October 14, 2005-3:36 A.M.

It's cold and flu season, ain't it.....

Today, Pamela and I slept in like we had a gas leak in the house, which is funny, because our furnace is busted, and there's no gas comin' in.  We got that intestinal flu bug that's going around, and I shook it off pretty quick, but Pamela went into a coma.  Harmony's doing well, despite constant contact with two carriers.

I decided today was the day to cement shut the holes in our attic that the squirrels chewed open.  I had purchased the supplies the other day and hiked them up to the attic, and today I went into action.  I mixed the mortar, put the screen in place and started plastering away.

Except the hole was down in the eaves of the attic, and even laying on the floor on my stomach, I really couldn't reach the hole, so I had to make do with a long plank, lowering gobs of mortar down toward the hole.

I patched the first hole, and realized I didn't have enough mix to go after the second, so I had to make my way back to Chase Pitkin's for another bag.  I picked up a nice lantern as well, the better to see the work I was doing.

When I got home, I saw a little red-haired bastard squirrel, poking around the hole I covered, trying to get out.  He had another hole to choose from, about four feet to the right, but it was obvious to me he had no idea it was there, and he was scared as hell.

Squirrels can carry rabies, and I've always been very careful around them; when I was a kid, my brother and I had attic bedrooms, and we had a squirrel invasion that kept us banned from our rooms for a good couple of weeks.  We had to call an exterminator, who caught the little guys and carried them out in big cages while they ran back and forth.

I called an exterminator and explained my plight, and he informed me that there's a good chance I'm harboring 6 to 8 red squirrels, their average family unit.  I needed to unplug the hole I patched, concentrate on getting them back into their regular routine, catching them and releasing them, and THEN plugging the hole.  How fun!  In the meantime, they run back and forth, and I hear them above my head, taunting me.  I can only hold fast to the negro slave's hope that suffering in this world provides reward in the afterlife.

On other topics, I forgot a note from the road....Last week's gig paid me by check, and the next morning, a rainy Friday, I hit a bank in Virginia and cashed the check.  The teller, a nice lady named Debbie, asked me if I had an account, which I did not, as the bank did not have a branch in Upstate New York.  She asked for my I.D., and because I was from out of town, she cheerfully asked me what brought me to Fishersville, Virginia.  I told her I was one of the comedians that played at the Comedy Zone at Mossy Creek Cafe, and she went on and on about how her 15-year-old son loved standup comedy, and wanted to do comedy himself, so I went out and grabbed one of my CD's for him.

Now, before I handed it over, I asked her if it would be o.k. if he heard some mild swearing and possible sexual descriptions, and she said that would be fine, that he liked watching "that colored fellow" on Comedy Central.  Now, she was talking about Dave Chappelle, but I was frozen just a bit hearing someone say "colored fellow" in 2005.  I took it with no umbrage, but it really allowed me a look at a culture clash between the "north" and the "south," even though we were only talking about a distance of 500 miles or so from Rochester, NY.  Later, on the I-81 expressway, I saw a sign for a section of a river called "Blacks Run," and I thought that there must certainly be a double meaning there; I know if I was black, I'd be running. 

I'm turning into Lenny Bruce on stage...I'm a smart ass, know-it-all, who does a modicum of reading and then starts spouting off.  I'm not saying I'm as talented as Lenny, I just mean I'm copping his style in a very unashamed way.  And the more I pay attention to politics in America, the more I feel drawn to commenting on them, which is a very dangerous consideration for a standup comic.  No matter what side you take in political humor, you're gonna piss off half the room, and no comic is good enough to bat .500 and still keep working.  Still, Bush is an idiot, a liar, an egomaniac and a fake Christian, Cheney is a diabolical vampire who is sucking the blood (and money) out of the United States for his Haliburton and oil cronies, Tom "The Hammer" DeLay is a corrupt, human slimeball who ought to be given the Dan Rostenkowski suite in Leavenworth, Bill Frist is a criminal who needs to have an ankle bracelent to keep him from leaving his own house, and the list goes on.  I know as a good Christian I should forgive, but I can only turn the other cheek so many times....I've run out of cheeks.

For now, all I can say to my red-state voter friends, YOU are what is wrong with America.  You're being soaked by the government you helped elect, they are killing you and you helped it happen, you ignorant, cracker dumbasses.  And you can take that to the bank, cash it, and buy yourself a colored butler to slap the shit out of you, you stupid bastards.

I just realized, squirrels have bushy tails, and anything bush or bushy needs to be destroyed. 

O.K., I'm going to sleep now.  Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow morning and not be so cranky, but I don't think so.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Welcome To The Machine

Welcome To The Machine                                 1943

Monday, October 10, 2005-4:30 A.M.

It's the one-year anniversary of my near career-ending injury, which I didn't realize until I looked at the calendar just now.  It's fitting that I'm taking this week off, because I've reached a sort of burnout point for the year.  I'm not happy not to be working this week, but I am happy that I don't have to drive all over the midwest and come home with less money than I left home with.

I drove home overnight from Harrisburg, PA and the Comedy Zone at Doc Holliday's steakhouse.  It's one of my favorite clubs to play, because it has a nice stage, good sound and lights, good attendance, and the folks are smart and playful; they don't groan or stare if they don't like or get a joke.  Saturday night, we had a bachelor party the first show, and a bachelorette party the second show.  The bachelorettes were well-behaved, respectful, and unencumbered by the usual penis-straws, dildoes and other junk...it was a perfect evening.  Merchandise sales were very good, and I was second-guessing driving home overnight, but the rain had broken, and I decided to get it over with.  I rolled into Rochester around 7:00 A.M., was in bed by 8:00 A.M., and still woke up in time to watch the Bills beat the Dolphins (barely).  Congratulations Kelly Holcomb...you're not gonna make us forget that other Kelly we used to have, but a win is a win, and we thank you.

Our furnace shat the proverbial bed today as we made the decision to fire the old girl up, and like so many women before in my life, she let me down.  Our repairman paid us a visit today and pronounced her dead on arrival, and told us that he would be willing to cart away 2,500 of our dollars if we would take a new one off his hands.  That's a small price to pay not to freeze in the night in a Rochester winter.

If we're unable to get things rolling with the new furnace, I am going to seriously consider taking Pam and Harmony on the road with me, just to ensure that they have someplace warm to stay, although long roadtrips to Greensboro, North Carolina and South Bend, Indiana beckon, interspersed with short rides to Erie and Reading, Pennsylvania.  Also, I'm in a condo situation in South Bend, and it's considered bad manners to bring along the wife or girlfriend, because you're sharing quarters with one or two other comics.  But that's three weeks away, and hopefully, we'll have our situation rectified by then.

I'll leave you with a joke I heard this weekend.  It's actually a joke that has to be heard rather than read, so you'll have to do a little work on your end to really get the joke.  Here goes:

One of President Bush's advisors is giving him a briefing on the Iraq war, and he tells him, "Mr. President, this weekend, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."  And the President responds, "Oh no, not three Brazilian soldiers!"  And the aid said, "Mr. President, I understand your concern, but it was only three Brazilian soldiers."  And the President says "Wait a minute....how many is a Brazilian?"

I laughed my ass off, and of course, "And if I laugh at any mortal thing, 'tis that I may not weep."  -Lord Byron

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Aqualung

Aqualung                                                   1926

Saturday, October 8, 2005-10:50 A.M.

What a difference a week makes.  As many of you know, I was in North Dakota last week, and this week, they were hit with a horrific blizzard that left many motorists stranded and turned the Dickinson State College Student Union into a refugee camp.  I was there a week ago, eating Knoephla and watching movies!  Walking around without a coat!  Who knew I ws missing killer weather by only five or six days!  The same thing happened to me this past summer, although it was a little less dire; I was in Biloxi, Mississippi playing at the Casino Magic hotel in June, and in August, a giant hurricane wiped it off the face of the earth.  I seem to be the herald for disaster, so woe betide if I come to your town.  I'm in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania right now, and they're already stocking up on bottled water.

Thursday night in Fishersville, Virginia was a fun time.  I checked into the Microtel, and as most hotels feature free newspapers for their guests, I picked up a copy of the local paper, and they had a big feature story on the comedy club, Comedy Zone at the Mossy Creek Cafe.  They mentioned me in big type, with a nice paragraph lifted from my official bio...oh, what a star I felt like!

I was reunited with my good friend, Al Katz, and the show was great...the room was almost completely full, and this was despite the fact that the Rolling Stones were performing down the road at an open-air venue in Charlottesville, Virginia.  I'm familiar with that venue, because I was there as part of the George Carlin tour back in 1996.

Last night, it was off to Harrisburg, PA and performances with headliner Mark Klein (www.corpjester.com) and Buffalo's own Matt Wayne.  The first show was o.k. as far as attendance, and I told Mark and Matt that I didn't think I was going to work up much of a sweat on stage.  When I got off, I was drenched...they were one of the best audiences I've performed for in a long time.

The second show was a different story; there were a bunch of prison guards sitting up front, many of whom had never attended a live comedy show and didn't "get" how they were supposed to act; it turned into a running dialogue that had me fighting for my life.  They loved me, and came up to me after the show and told me so, but it was still way too much like work.

After the show, I met up with a young man who had contacted me by e-mail and was interested in talking with me about standup comedy.  We sat down after the late show and jawed for about an hour and fifteen minutes...ask me to talk about comedy, and I'm a kid in a candy store.  He has a wife, two kids, and one more on the way, so of course, I tried to talk him out of the business...comedy is no place for a family man, as I discover every day of my life.

It's piss raining in Pennsylvania today, so I may just stay in the hotel room and catch up on my reading, writing and relaxing.  There's a nice steakhouse connected to the hotel and club called Doc Hollidays, and the food is exceptional, so I may just eat here rather than venturing out and finding something more interesting or economical.  I'll be driving home to Rochester after the second show tonight, and it's about a five hour drive, so a good afternoon nap will also be in order.

Next week is a week off for me, so there may not be anything interesting to report, but I never stop working, so you never know.  I nailed down a return trip to Knoxville, Tennessee, at the Comedy Zone in April of 2006.  Knoxville is one of my favorite places to play, and even though it's under new management, it's still a Comedy Zone, so I'm sure I'll have a good time.

Also, while I'm thinking of it, Campbell's Soups is doing their annual "Click For Cans" promotion, and you can win Super Bowl tickets, Madden 2006 video games and other cool stuff, and you get to vote every day for your favorite football team.  Right now, the Buffalo Bills are trailing badly, so if you want to do your buddy Ralph a solid (which I will appreciate), how about going on there and clicking for Buffalo a couple of times?  You can vote once a day for as many days as you want, and it costs nothing.  Let's go, Buffalo!  Campbell's Chunky - What's Happening  Campbell's will make a donation to the team with the most clicks and donate soup to a hunger relief charity in that community.

Actually, now that I think of it...vote for New Orleans...click for the Saints Monday through Friday, and give Buffalo Saturday and Sunday.

And have some soup...it's good to support companies that do nice things for the less fortunate.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Hole In The Sky

Hole In The Sky                                               1907

Wednesday, October 5, 2005-7:54 P.M.

Good Evening from the North Coast of America.  I did something today that I thought I'd never do...I cancelled a week of comedy work.

The week was the "Indiana Tour" for the Funny Business Agency...it consists of a Wednesday night in Decatur, Illinois, Thursday night in Terre Haute, Indiana, Friday off, and Saturday in Bloomington, Illinois.  With the gas running near three dollars a gallon and having a night off to dip into my pocket for a hotel room, I was looking at a red-ink weekend, and politely asked the booking agency to be replaced.  I'm not going to try to rebook the week, and instead, will catch up on some home improvements before the snow starts flying.  We have a couple of makeshift squirrel ingresses in our attic that we don't want anymore, because the squirrels have a tendency to chew on things made of paper in our attic that we want to keep.  I need to pour some cement in those areas so the squirrels can't chew through them again, plus, when I see the squirrels in the yard with chipped teeth, I'll know which ones to shoot.

Yesterday, I shot my third ever commercial spot.  It was for Novus Auto Glass, and represented my second ever glass company spot.  The gag was this; the spot starts out with me waxing a red 2004 Mustang convertible.  I would never own such a vehicle; I don't like the wind mussing up my hair...most Italians don't.  So I'm waxing the car, and the director's eight-month old son John, who is playing my son, gets attracted by the sun gleaming off the antennae of the car, and he pulls a small trampoline over, jumps up and grabs the antennae.  I see him hanging from the antennae, rush over and grab him, and wrestle the antennae out of his hands, which causes it to whip down into the windshield, cracking it.  At that point, Alison Roberts, another Rochester actor, who is playing my wife, comes out and says "Don't worry, I've called Novus Auto Glass."  We shot two spots, a 10-second ad and a 30-second ad.  It was good money, too.

When I got home, I realized that every muscle south of my belly button hurt to high heaven.  There was a lot of standing, running, pivoting and jumping to be done, on a hard concrete driveway all day long, with no place to really sit down between takes.  Even today, a day later, I'm still feeling a little sore.

Tomorrow it's the big drive to Fishersville, VA and the Comedy Zone's new room in that town.  I then make a turn northward and play the Zone's room in Harrisburg, PA, one of my favorite rooms to play.  For tonight, it's a little rest and relaxation with my wife and daughter.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Selling The Drama

Selling The Drama                               1891

Monday, October 3, 2005-10:55 P.M.

Ouch.  It always takes me a day of rest to recuperate from a long-ass drive across America.  Today was veggie day, which meant I vegetated.  Actually, I did go to the Post Office and conducted some business, because I am driven and obsessive, but believe me, I didn't do much more than that.  I did treat Pam and Harmony to a little home-made stir fry, one of my specialties, with broccoli, mushroom, onion, tofu and Chinese vegetables.  It's surprising that I'm not healthier, I eat like a Buddhist monk when I'm home....too bad I'm not home more often.

I almost got the hall pass for a week in December...the Comedy Zone in Norfolk, VA went belly-up, leaving me dry for a week.  Now the big decision...stay home a couple weeks before Christmas, or try to refill the date and make the money?  Survey says....make the money!  A quick e-mail to my boy Tony Gigliotti in Niagara Falls, and the date was replaced as quick as you can say "Holiday Headliner."  The money's not as good as what I lost, but I'm employed and basically home two weeks before Christmas.  It's like a bonus to be able to work, and still have time for the wife and child!  For a day when I really needed the rest, it was still business as usual.

The drive home from St. Cloud, Minnesota, was fraught with traffic jams, bad weather, and just an overwhelming distance.  In Chicago, the rain came down like it was Noah's Ark, and the cars were sliding into the guard rails two by two.  Luckily, I keep five to ten delineations between me and the cars behind me, so I'm usually safe.  The weather was nice for a cross-country drive, but I didn't bring enough music with me, so I had to listen to the 1992 Bob Dylan tribute album twice...it's a great collection, with artists like Johnny Cash, Stevie Wonder, Johnny Winter, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, Tracy Chapman, Richie Havens, Lou Reed, Eddie Vedder and Stone Gossard from Pearl Jam, Roger McGuinn from the Byrds, and Neil Young, all paying tribute to Bob Dylan through his own songs.  It's a nice album, lots of different musical styles, and recorded live so there's no breaks between songs, and it makes for a good continuous listening experience when you want to just go on autopilot and drive straight ahead without fixating on the fact that you're still 800 miles from home.  For the record, the total mileage of the drive home was 1,114. 

The shows in St. Cloud, which I realize I failed to report on, were good.  Friday's show was a little better attended than Saturday's show, but I liked Saturday's show better.  The weird thing was that the Saturday crowd was almost completely made up of women.  There was a bachelorette party of about 25 women on one side of the room, and a large group of young ladies on the other side of the room who didn't seem to realize that there was a comedy show going on until I took the stool on stage, dragged it all the way over towards their table, sat down, and started addressing my entire act directly at them until they realized that they were not anonymous and couldn't talk to each other at their table without fear of repercussion.  It was a softer, nicer way of saying "shut the hell up" than I usually use, and it worked well.  I know the rest of the audience appreciated it.

Tomorrow I'm shooting a commercial for an auto glass company...this will be the second auto glass commercial on my TV resume, and the third commercial overall.  I think I'm getting typecast, but that's o.k., because typecast actors get all the work when their type is being cast.  It's an 8:00 A.M. call, which I'm not excited about, but the money's good so I'm not bitching.  I'll check in tomorrow with all the neato details.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY