Six String Sting

Six String Sting                                1569

Wednesday, August 31, 2005-2:43 A.M.

Good morning.  This is the third time I've tried to type this journal entry over the last three days.  The first time, AOL shut down for the night, the journal section anyway, and my entry was lost to the ages.  Who knew to save it?  I just sent it out to the stratosphere.  The second time, I was bumped off line because I walked away from the computer in the middle, and the entry was lost again.  This time, if the entry doesn't take, fuck ya, I'm just going to get along with my life.

Saturday night at the House of Comedy in Niagara Falls was a very fun show; I even stayed within my time.  I sometimes have a problem with that.  Actually, I'm not the one who has the problem, it's the comedy club staffs that I hold hostage who have a problem.  Apparently, they just want to serve the drinks, collect the money and go home.

Anyway, I thought I was going to just stick to my material instead of clowning around, but I was having a great time and the audience was riding along with me, and I wound up in the Ralph Zone and talked about everything, even to the elimination of my core material.  My act didn't suffer, the comment cards were good, the club owner shook my hand and asked to rebook me two more times over the next three months, and product sales were brisk, so who's complaining?

Ray Salah did a great job in the opener slot, and there was a guest spot named Steven Rose who had a strange, uneven set.  Ray got some nice compliments from Tony, the club owner/manager.  WayToGo, Ray.

Sunday morning, I couldn't sleep, so I wound up getting up early, showering, and went garage sailing while my wife and daughter slept.  I came home about five hours later with an arm full of CD's, videos and books, many of which I've already sold online.  At the first garage sale, which was the big community garage sale at the Rochester Public Market, I noticed that there was about a million bumblebees flying around, and I didn't think anything of it because there was a lot of flower and fruit 'n' vegetable vendors there.

At the first public garage sale I went to, though, a woman got stung by a bee.  There was a nice hippie couple selling off their crap because they were moving, and didn't want to take their ceramic candy dishes and books on witchery and metalugy with them.  The woman, the "stingee," was a neighbor of theirs, and she flounced up in her peasant dress and commented that one of the ceramic candy dishes was one that they bought from her at her last garage sale.  About 15 seconds later, the bee, the "stinger," flew up her peasant dress of many colors and stung her on the ass.  She hustled off on her way, and we all had a nice laugh as soon as she was out of earshot.  The bee flew away as well, leaving us all to discuss the heady matter of "Don't bees die when they sting someone?"  Perhaps they do, but there's some sort of exemption if the sting is in the ass.  It's known only to the bees and the entymologists.

Today I picked up my car with the cracked windshield repaired, and hustled it off to the body shop to get some of my accidental customizing reversed.  I'm flying to Florida this weekend, so I won't need the car.  My career must be booming, because I can afford to fly!  Hooray for me!  I'm working this weekend with Al Katz from Florida, and it's my first time at the Laugh Inn Comedy Cafe.  I'm sure I'll have some exciting road reports this weekend, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, turn your thoughts and prayers (if you would) to the people of Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and the other areas hit by hurricane Katrina.  Also think of the many animals who will be suffering due to the effects of this catastrophe.  And if you can see your way clear, send a couple of bucks to the Red Cross.  They're gonna need it.

Stay dry this weekend.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Dixie Chicken

Dixie Chicken                                                        1536

Friday, August 27, 2005-1:40 A.M. (Saturday morning)

Tonight's show at the House of Comedy was interesting, to say the least; I was operating under sleep deprivation, thanks to my daughter's middle-of-the-night gas pains that kept me awake all night.  My show was one part my act, one part riffing and crowd work, and one part non-sequitars and stream-of-consciousness babbling that even I don't know what I meant.  Bottom line, they liked it, and I had a lot of nice audience hand-shaking and after-show approval.

Ray Salah did a great job in the opening slot; there were moments when he seemed a little lost and didn't know what came next, but that's just a component of not working out his material every week.  Still, he did a fine job of recovering, and even though he backpedaled on one bit and had to squeeze a joke in so he could do the callback, the audience didn't really know the difference, and everyone involved seemed to have a good time.

Sadly, the Burger King down the street from me went 24 hours, which means that I now have full weekend access to chicken fries, whoppers, and other foods that are bad for me that I love dearly and refuse to give up.  Bob your head!  Bob your head!  Chicken fries are awesome, even though spokesband CoqRoq is a bunch of SlipKnot imitators.

O.K., sleep now.  One more show tomorrow, then off to sunny Florida for my engagement at the Laugh In Comedy Cafe in Fort Myers.  I fly in on Thursday for a three-day stand, and I must be making it in this business, because I can afford to fly!  Ah, showbiz!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Picking Up The Pieces

Picking Up The Pieces                           1530

Friday, August 26, 2005-12:30 A.M.

What do comedians do on their day off?  What's a day off?

I started my day by answering my desk phone, which is usually reserved for the computer line, and it was my old friend Debbie Richardson, proprietor of JR's Last Laugh Comedy Club in Erie, PA.  It was quite an interesting conversation we had; she basically called me out of the blue and asked me if I was interested in coming down to feature her club this winter.

Now, I've been there before, and let me tell ya, it's not like any other club in the country.  For starters, they don't do the mc-middle-headliner thing; they have an audience person (selected from the previous week's comment cards) host the show, then they have a 15-minute middle, then a 20-minute middle, then the headliner does the normal set.  And the club is totally clean...last time around, I got the fish-eye because I used the word "penis," and it was totally medical in nature...it wasn't a urinating penis, nor a sexually involved penis, just a penis.  Come to find out, the problem was they had heard the joke before and didn't care for it, so I dropped the joke for the rest of the weekend.  Unfortunately, it was my closing joke, so I really had to change gears (which I did).  Because the weekend was kinda "hinky" I didn't really pursue getting rebooked into the club, but this morning, Debbie started throwing dates at me, all of which I had already booked, so I took a shot and told her I had only two dates left, and she said she might be able to juggle things around, then called me back five minutes later and filled the one that wasn't New Year's Eve.  Damn, it should always be this easy.

A couple of hours later, John Yoder of the Funny Business Agency in Grand Rapids, Michigan, calls and fills my New Year's Eve.  This, coupled with the week I filled yesterday with a date at the Comedy Playhouse in Geneva, NY, has completely filled my year.  Now I can start booking 2006!  This year has been truly amazing, even with weeks of work falling out here and there, I've been able to fill them almost immediately.  Of course, that bulletproof feeling only needs one cancellation to go away, but for now, I'm riding high and that's all thatmatters.

So today, the lovely Pamela Ruth and I continued our quest to eliminate junk from our house to make room for Harmony Rose and all of her toys, clothing, and etc.  Our house looks like the final scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where they are storing the Ark in the warehouse with all the boxes and they're stacked to the ceiling.  Only the warehouse didn't have as many boxes of crap as we do.  We went through a bunch of stuff and I have come to terms with the fact that my wife refuses to write on anything larger than a Bazooka Joe bubblegum comic, and she will never throw anything away.  Consequently, we have more paperwork than we know what to do with, and only four drawers worth of filing cabinets.  We do have one big blue recycling box, but God forbid anything goes out of the house that way.  Sometimes I feel like King Sisyphus (Thurman, look it up).

Tomorrow night, Niagara Falls awaits.  It's one of the clubs that headlines me, so I'm excited because I get to do my whole show, not get hung up over the time and have fun.  It's a freeing experience that I can't describe except to say it's like skydiving in slow motion, and you don't touch the ground until you want to.  I'm psyched.

O.K., King Sisyphus was from Greek mythology, and he was doomed to roll a rock up a hill for eternity, and everytime he almost got to the top, it would roll back down to the bottom for him to try again.  And "Look it up, Thurman" was a quotation from Buffalo Bills' coach Marv Levy's Pro Football Hall of Fame induction speech, directed at future Hall of Famer Thurman Thomas. 

But you knew that, didn't you?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Great White Buffalo

Great White Buffalo                                   1517

After 750 miles along the trail of tears called Interstate 90, Ray Salah and I are back in Rochester.

The Wisconsin Death Trip (thank you, Static X) was a success, meaning I brought home more money than I left home with, which is always a plus.  The extra gig on Sunday was very helpful, as it wound up paying for the gas all the way home, and no small feat at $2.79 a gallon (the going rate in Milwaukee and Chicago).

Saturday night, the club in Milwaukee was desolate.  The Green Bay Packers were on TV playing in Buffalo against the Bills (who schooled them pretty good).  Consequently, everyone stayed home and watched the new kid (Aaron Rogers) on TV show everyone that he ain't Brett Favre.  On the other side of the ball, Bills QB J.P. Losman showed everyone that he ain't Drew Bledsoe.  Hooray for us!

This week, it's Niagara Falls, a scant 90 minutes away from home base, and back to headlining the room.  Ray is opening on the shows, too, continuing the "Summer of Salah."  We were packed to the gills coming home, Ray had six boxes of books he bought.  I had a small duffle bag full, and we both found, upon arriving home, that we sold many several of them.  I went to the post office today with 16 packages.  Ebay is a wonderful thing.

Still no light at the Tetta/Davis household...our electrician crapped the bed, and he won't be available for another 4-6 weeks.  Totally unacceptable.  I feel like I'm in some "Survivor" type TV show, working with clip-style desk lamps in two of our rooms.  It ain't fun, believe me.

Today I got back to my roots, meaning I watched the baby for a few hours, then went out and ran errands all day, paying phone bills, bringing home heavy groceries, and doing everything else except napping, which is what I would have done were I still a single man.

O.K., I'm going to go sit in the dark now.  Have a nice day!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

A Quick One While He's Away

A Quick One While He's Away                                          1502

Just a quick entry today.  The Southeastern Wisconsin area was hit with a pretty major tornado this week, but it's just a little rainy where I am.  This is the second time this year that I've travelled into harm's way and come out safe.  The first time was in Florida, where I missed a hurricane by about 4 days.  Thank God for small favors.

Last night at the club, first show, we had a lady with a very distinctive laugh that drove my 25 minute set into 15 minutes of material and about 10 minutes of waiting for her to catch her breath.  It was fun but frustrating at the same time, but whatcha gonna do?  I look forward to more conventional audiences this evening, and Sunday should be fun as well.

This is my last shot at internet access until I get home on Monday, so have a great weekend, and GO BILLS as they take on the Green Bay Packers in Buffalo tonight.

And stay in the basement if you hear the wind kick up, OK?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Houses of the Holy

Houses of the Holy                           1493

Friday, August 19, 2005-1:25 P.M.

Happy happy day, peoples!  I just found out that my beloved Buffalo Bills are playing the Green Bay Packers tomorrow at 5:00 central time, which means I'll get to see most if not all of the game here in Milwaukee.  My first show is at 8:00 P.M., and because I'm in the heart of Packers country, the game will most likely be on the TV in the bar, so unless the game goes into overtime, I'll catch the whole thing before I have to be on stage.  I will, of course, have to hide my enthusiasm when the Packers receive their trouncing.  You're in OUR house, be-yotch!  If you're into fantasy football leagues, which I am not, I happened to notice on the cover of one of those fan magazines that Bills' running back Willis McGahee is considered the top prospect in the fantasy leagues.  Besides J.P. Losman and Lee Evans, he's the Bill to watch this year, along with Nate Clements, who I understand is renegotiating his contract (as well he should).

Last night's show was very good, with Chris Barnes closing the show and special guest m.c. Clint Gritt opening up.  I worked with Clint last time I was here at Giggles, and he came up to me and handed me a dollar and said "Jose Canseco."  He's formally entered into the Comedy Central roast pool that I talked about yesterday.  This thing is starting to pick up steam.

Ray Salah and I are starting to become late-night fixtures at the Pick 'N' Save...last night, we walked over to pick up bread and a newspaper, and wound up walking out with $20 worth of groceries, which isn't a bad thing...I found out last night that my week has been extended with a special fundraiser show on Sunday, so we needed one more day's worth of food.  The condo situation is nice, you can save money not having to eat out every meal of the day, and I cook at home, so I welcome the chance to prepare my own meals, but unfortunately, the average comedy condo is woefully unequipped to cook in.  I don't have a spatula, which doesn't seem like a big thing, but it's like a thumb...you don't miss it until you don't have it.  Also, we have like 40 drinking glasses, but only 3 bowls...as comics continue to inhabit these condos, things get burnt, stolen, destroyed, etc., and they never get replaced, so I always try to go to thrift stores and pick up replacement items when I can, and "donate" them to the condo.  Last time I was here in Germantown, I bought a bathmat for the feature's bathroom, and it's still there!  Of course, it looks like it's never been washed, but it's there.  Ray actually washed it a few days ago, as well as every other piece of linen in the place.  He bleached the pillows, too, which I'm sure helped stanch the spread of head sweat and bacteria from about 9 years' worth of comedians.  We also picked up lightbulbs for the fixtures that were out, dishwasher detergent, and other household necessities.  I don't want you to think that the club does a poor job of maintaining the housing for their out-of-town guests, but after a few years go by, and comedians use and abuse the quarters, it's difficult to care anymore.  It must be totally disheartening to scrub a place down spic-n-span, and then have a couple of slobs move in and tear the place a new asshole.  Fortunately, the slobs are few and far between...most of the comics I've worked with are fastidious and neat, with only a few wretches thrown in the mix, but those are the guys that spoil it for the rest of us.

I talked to Pamela this morning, and the electrician didn't come.  I guess the appointment has been rescheduled for today or tomorrow, so hopefully the lights will be on for me when I get home.  If you see Pamela at the "Bands On The Bricks" show at the Rochester Public Market tonight, stop by and say hello.  She'll be working the Nice NRG jewelry concession.  And enjoy the music!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Lights Out

Lights Out                                                                  1487

Thursday, August 18, 2005-1:37 P.M.

And a pleasant good day to you, my journal-reading friend, as I report from rainy Germantown, Wisconsin.  Tonight, it's back to work for your friend Ralphie T. at Giggles Comedy Pub here in Milwaukee.  Last night, Ray Salah and I did the pal-around thing with Chris Barnes, Kevin Bozeman, and Mick Laczinski, three of Wisconsin's finest (I would have said Milwaukee's Best, but Mick's moving to Vegas and Kevin lives in Chicago).

Tuesday night in Rockford, Illinois was fun, as it always is, and on the way back, Ray and I hit yet another thrift store, and now we have so many boxes of books to cart home, I'm fearing for the space issue in my car.  My trunk is practically empty, but we're gonna need all the room we can get.  The good thing is that they continue to sell, so we're not going to bring all of them home, but most of them.  I was reading in a local newspaper that there are 13,000 people in the Milwaukee area who sell on eBay for their full or part-time living, so with Ray and myself added to the mix, you can make that 13,002...

I'm running a pool on one of the comedy chatboards regarding the next "victim" of the Comedy Central Roast series.  So far, there have been some good picks...I chose Damon Wayans, and other choices have included Adam Sandler and Jon Stewart.  If you're interested in knowing more, e-mail me at YuksOnMe@aol.com and I'll give you the details.  So far, it's just bragging rights, but if enough people want to do it, I'll have everyone chip in a buck and the winner takes all.

I continue to miss my pretty wife and daughter, and things at home are stressful at best for Pam.  I guess there was an electrical problem at the house while I was gone, and now two of the rooms in our five-room apartment are without lights.  There's an electrician coming today, but I still wish I was there to help and lend moral support, instead I'm out here having a party and blowing up balloons.  That's not entirely true, but yesterday, a guy who was at the show in Rockford saw me at the hotel I was staying in, and he works for a vending company so he loaded Ray and me up with chips, cookies, and other snacky delights...all the things I shouldn't have.  When I told Pam about it, she said "You ARE having a party, you bastard!"  Funny how far chips and cookies go when you're partying....

O.K., work beckons.  More updates tomorrow, and have yourself a wonderful day!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

P.S.  T.L. Johnson still owes me $10 and his mama stank.

Call Me

Call Me                                1470

Monday, August 15, 2005-2:30 P.M. (Central Time)

Hello from the Germantown, Wisconsin Community Library!  The weekend in Madison is at a close, and we had a super time with headliner Mike Armstrong (from Louisville, Kentucky...the 16th largest market in the United States).  Ray Salah was a welcome addition to the show, and received a lot of nice compliments from Gus and the staff at the State Street Comedy Club.

Mike was quite a trip to hang around with, although we didn't spend much time together during the day.  Apparently, on Friday afternoon, Mike dressed up in a polo shirt, RayBan sunglasses and a nice pair of shorts, and paraded up and down college avenue with a cup, soliciting money.  He was telling people, "I don't want to work," and he wound up collecting $18 in half an hour.  Madison is very liberal, and there are quite a few people up and down the street collecting money and signatures for every cause you could imagine.  I'm a liberal myself, but even I know that half the causes are the same as pissing in the ocean...they don't make very much good.  Mike wound up donating the money to a food pantry.

Ray and I met every kind of strange person you could want to meet this weekend; there was an able-bodied young black man who attached himself to Ray and Mike as they walked down the street with me, and then tried to get us to buy him a piece of pizza.  I think Ray stiff-armed him in the chest, I'm not sure.  There were a family of Oompa Loompas in a Subway sandwich shop halfway between Dubuque, Iowa and Madison that were just the silliest people you ever could have seen.  The older guy looked like Jonathan Winters when he would pull his pants way up on the old "Mork and Mindy" TV show.  We had to leave there, because we were laughing too hard and we didn't want to offend anyone.  Finally, when we were in Dubuque, we visited a few pawn shops to see what there was to see, and a guy came in with two bags of goods (stolen?  Who knows?) and a line of bullshit a mile long.  He had just been released from prison, please don't say no, can you buy these things, I'll let 'em go real cheap, yadda yadda yadda.  I think the guy did buy them, because the ex-con left the shop with a smile.  I was busy looking at bass guitars, so I didn't catch the whole exchange, but I did see the tracheotomy scar on this guy's neck that was so big, it looked like a cadillac hubcap.  The bass guitars were weird; there was a left-handed model and a right-handed model, and they were both strung upside-down.

Ray and I hit a whole bunch of used book stores, library book shoppes, and even one open-air market with a bunch of hippies just giving stuff away.  Ray scored a small pile of "Far Side" cartoon anthologies, and we spent the weekend listing books for sale on the internet.  I've sold a half-dozen titles, and I think Ray is at 15 sales or more.  It's nice to have something to divert your attention from the boredom of having a whole day to kill, waiting for showtime.

So we're settled into the Milwaukee, Wisconsin comedy condo, and there's no phone service, so my laptop isn't internet capable.  Luckily there's a library right down the road with internet, so it's probably going to be my home-away-from-home for the week.  Tuesday night, there's a show in Rockford, Illinois...one of my favorite rooms out this way.  Today, it's kill time slowly for Ralph and Ray.

Have a happy day, and stay out of the hot sun.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Heading Out To The Highway

Heading Out To The Highway                                         1458

Friday, August 12, 2005-1:27 A.M.

Today I'm a miserable standup comic.  Crude oil just hit $66 a barrel, which means gas prices are going to rise, and they're already flirting with $2.50 a gallon.  These prices will effectively take me off the road if they keep rising, because the fuel to get me to an engagement will erase any money I might make.

Last night at the State Street Comedy Club was a triumph.  There were five open micers on the show, so I was relegated to only 20 minutes on stage, but they couldn't have been any better.  I called back to the previous comic's act, a blind kid named Rodell who was very funny, and the callback was excellent.  He talked about going to a strip club, and his buddies did him wrong because they took him to a club called "Visions."  He said he got kicked out because he tried to use the Braille method as much as possible.  When I got on stage, I said that the last time I was in Madison I made a lot of money; I went to a strip club, snuck on stage and danced for a blind kid for half an hour and made $45.  It was funny; you should have been there.

Then a blonde girl interrupted me, which got her a verbal punch in the poop-hole.  It was a stock response, but the crowd loved it.  Then my actual set with actual jokes just went so well, I wished I had taped it.  Afterwards, headliner Mike Armstrong, opener Ray Salah and myself went down the street for pizza.  Along the way, we inadvertantly picked up a young black man who was panhandling and tried to get us to buy him pizza.  We were flicking this guy onto each other like he was a booger, and finally he got gone.  Then it rained like hell and we were trapped in the pizzaria.

This morning, it was 6:30 A.M. for Ralphie Boy to go do radio with Mike at Solid Rock WJJO.  I'd been to the station before, but they have nice new studios in a different place, and Johnny Danger was on vacation, so we did radio with the sports chick, Mary Carrol.  She was cool and we had some good fun on the radio, and when they opened the phones to give away tickets, they were ringing off the hook.  And it was mostlyfemales; I'm going to have to explore this phenomena, as the station is one of those Metallica-Limp Bizkit-Korn-Staind type of stations.  Curious.  Also, Mary ponied up with some free station long-sleeve T-shirts, which was nice.  Mine didn't fit, so Ray got it.  Someday the shirts will fit me, but not this week.

Today is comic book day, as the new Justice League and Exiles come out, two of my favorite series.  I'm taking Ray to the gyro place down the street from the club, because it's a Madison ritual for me everytime I come here and the food is awesome.  Then we'll go junking and see what there is to see before our two shows tonight.

Today, do something to help the gasoline situation...write your congressman and complain.  Mention that you vote, and that the state of our energy situation is unacceptable.  Legislators that are up for reelection are always good 'n' fearful for their jobs, and you can get the most action out of them by reminding them of that.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Riding The Storm Out

Riding The Storm Out                              1451

Thursday, August 11, 2005-11:00 A.M.

Hello from Wisconsin!  What a rocket ride this tour has been so far.  It started out Tuesday morning about 3:15 A.M., when I woke and realized that my 3:00 alarm hadn't gone off.  I got up and showered really fast, but my daughter had different plans than I did.  Instead of loading out my luggage and picking up touring buddy Ray Salah at 4:00 A.M., I had to soothe and comfort the infant from a case of gas or night terrors or whatever was making her howl inconsolably.  My pretty wife was the only tonic that Harmony was interested in, and she finally got her settled down around 5:30 (I was in Buffalo by then, and still communicating by phone).

I drove around 16 hours (counting stops) on two hours of sleep and we pulled into LaCrosse, Wisconsin on the heels of a twister, hurricane, tornado, monsoon, or whatever you want to call it.  The skys grew purple and pregnant with rain, and the wind starting whipping up dust devils as LaCrosse grew closer and closer.  With only 15 miles to go, lightning bolts like the anger of God started striking in the distance, and I pokes a sleeping Ray in the ribs and said, "Hey, we're gonna die...you're probably gonna wanna be awake for this."

We actually made it to the hotel and checked in before the rain started falling, and there was a good group of people there.  I was tired, which never makes for a good show, but I got my point across despite a few unwanted lulls.  I'm working with Mike Armstrong this week, positively one of the best in the business, and that's a little intimidating.  He's a good guy and we've met before, back when I was running the club in Rochester.

Last night was Dubuque, Iowa, in a new room than the one I've played before...the old Brass Ring used to pack 'em in, but this room is still getting their feet wet, and to make matters worse, there's another bar in town doing comedy on the same night.  Again, there was good participation from the folks down front, but the bar clingers in the back were a little disassociated.  All in all, an unsatifying experience, but a few people came up after the show and expressed their enjoyment, and that's what really matters.  No comic gets 100% approval for every show, anyway.

Tonight we head off to Madison, Wisconsin, possibly one of my favorite rooms in the country.  I always do well here, and the hotel is to die for...plus it's right next to the club.  The other fun thing is the string of shops leading up to the college...it's the dope-smokingest, patchouli-oil-smellingest, juggling-with-sticksingest place in the world!  Liberal thought abounds, and for just a few days, I feel like I can unclench my sphincter and relax.  Plus there's hot college girls everywhere, but I'm a happily married man, so it's like Krispy Kreme donuts to my diabetic ass...I can look, but no touchy.  And I definitely can't put one of them in my mouth.

Merchandise sales have been soft so far this week, but one-nighters usually are.  I expect to do better this weekend, and hope so, because we've already put 1,000 miles behind us....that's three tanks of gas!  I'm $70 in the hole just going to work! I'm sure that Madison won't let me down.

Last night's dinner was the broasted chicken for two at the Hoffman House restaurant here at the hotel...I only mention that because it was so good, it was the best meal we've had so far this week.  Madison will probably change that....there's a gyro place on the college strip that is to die for, and I go there everytime I'm in Madison.  It's sad that I'm excited over a few strips of beef in a pita shell and a Greek salad, but life offers it's treasures sparingly, so take them when you can.

Lotsa love and we'll see you later.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

The Kids Are Alright

The Kids Are Alright                                        1435

Monday, August 8, 2005-10:57 P.M.

Greetings from Rochester, NY, and the home of Ralph Tetta Enterprises, a subsidiary of Steve Burr Enterprises, Inc.  On the eve of my big road trip to Wisconsin, I'm excited, stressed, looking forward to it and not looking forward to it all at the same time.

My wife Pamela and I have gone through our regular ritual that we play out whenever I go away on an extended roadtrip; she has asked me to pull everything down from the high shelves that she can't reach, I've killed every bug and taken out all the garbage (like she and the baby won't create any garbage in two weeks).  It's all over but the crying, and actually, it's only two weeks, wheras in June and July, I was gone for five weeks straight, so this is nothing more than an excercise.

The books I bought continue to sell; I've been averaging two a day.  Not bad for passive income, and I'm sure my touring companion, Ray Salah, and I will most definitely make the scene at every thrift store, Goodwill, library book sale and church second-hand sale we can find.  He's actually a much better book-sniffer than I am, so I'll utilize his bloodhound skills.

I've got a 3 A.M. wakeup call to hit the road by 4, so I'm calling this one short.  Mobile updates as the two weeks progress, so stay safe and Go Bills (who by the way, had a successful scrimmage with Bills QB J.P. Losman making a good showing)!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Selling The Drama

Selling The Drama                                                               1416

Saturday, August 6, 2005-7:03 P.M.

Good evening...this seems funny to me, because I typed this journal entry this morning and then erased it, and decided rather than retype it on the spot, to do it again later.  I guess I thought I wasn't in the correct frame of mind to do it over, and maybe I was right.

Yesterday, I got up early to make the 8:00 A.M. opening of the service department at Valley Cadillac to get my car roughed into shape for the road.  I'll be taking it there when I get back from Wisconsin, in about two weeks, for the final inspection ready body work it will need.  In the meantime, it ain't pretty, but it's getting me where I have to go.

I rolled into Wilkes Barre, PA after receiving two disturbing phone calls...both of them cancellations.  One of them is screwing up my Florida trip, so Harmony isn't going to be able to meet her grandfather, my dad, the elder Ralph Tetta.  This is the second time this year my plans have been altered, and I don't like it, not to mention the missing money.  I have to scramble for work.  And because most comedy bookings are a handshake contract, there's no recourse for me except to hope some scraps fall on my plate that week.  It's an ugly feeling, to say the least.  The other cancellation is a one-nighter in Indianapolis that was going to fill in a day off, and not for great money, but it was a headlining spot, which I'm trying to do more of.  I can talk for that amount of time, but I'm not getting enough repetitions to where I'm developing a theme, and I can get tired at the end of the set, which isn't good because you want to finish strong.

Last night's show was a victim of an under-rested Ralphie.  I was all over the board and ran long, luckily there was only one show and the headliner was amiable.  His name is Jimmy Graham from New Jersey, and we hit it off great, partially because I found his wallet full of DVD's in the hallway of the hotel we're staying at, and returned it to him after the show.  Ralph earns his points the old fashioned way; through wanton brown-nosery.  Anyway, the show was good, if not well-attended, with about 46 people in the room, including a bachelorette party with whom I had my way (not that way, ya pig!).  And they fed me a nice Italian sandwich, which I enjoyed, half at the club and half later back at the hotel.

I was woken this morning by the stupid alarm clock going off at 5:30 A.M....I swear to God, I didn't set it, and this happens to me and everyone I know in every hotel in the world...I think the housekeeping staff does it as a bad joke, or to get everyone up and out of the hotel so they can clean the rooms and go home.  Or just to piss us off.  Whichever, I wound up rising earlier than usual, and started planning my attack.  I picked up a local paper yesterday and found that several churches were holding rummage sales today, including St. Ignatius, which was doing it "bag style;" they give you a shopping bag, and you fill it up with whatever you want for $3, or two bags for $5.  I bought three bags of books, and spent the morning back at the room listing them on half.com, a subsidiary of e-bay.  I spent a total of $5 on books I thought I would sell, plus another bag of children's books for my daughter.  I am happy to report that the first sale already came in, a title called Biblical Themes For Pastoral Care that sold for $9.95.  I've already paid for the lot!  And the 38 books I listed today, if they all sell, will realize a total of about $125.  That's a solid investment, I don't care who you are.

So there's one show tonight, which I will prepare for soon, and then the four-hour drive back home, and a nice couple of days off before the two-week trek to Wisconsin with fellow comic Ray Salah in tow.  And tonight is the pre-season kickoff for the Buffalo Bills, my 25-year love affair with the bridesmaid of all bridesmaids.  Oddly enough, they play the Green Bay  Packers on the Saturday's eve before my excursion to Packerland, so hopefully I'll be able to go out there with my head held high.

Hey, it's just a game, right?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Everyday I Write The Book

Everyday I Write The Book                                 1404

Thursday, August 4, 2005-4:44 P.M.

Well, I'm back from my damaged car's inspection at Nationwide insurance, where they sent me away with a check to cover the unintentional body work that was performed on my Toyota Corolla last week en route to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina.  Happily, the check is just a little more that what I thought the total value of my car was, which means basically that it was worth more than I thought, which is good.

The problem is that I have to drive it in it's dented and damaged state to Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, and then on to Madison and Milwaukee, Wisconsin...but the good folks at Valley Cadillac (the host body shop of Nationwide Insurance in Rochester) are going to bang out a bubblegum and spit repair so's I don't get an equipment violation out in the nation's dairyland.  Hooray for me!  Still, that means getting up at 8:00 A.M., a decidedly comedian-unfriendly time of the morning.

Today was another day towards moving Harmony into her new room.  I have about 200 books on comedy that I need to condense into a small bookcase, which means some volumes are going to go the way of the albatross.  I have a book of portraits of comedians, signed by Victoria Jackson of Saturday Night Live and Jeff Altman, veteran of over 40 Late Night with David Letterman programs...I wonder if it's worth anything?  Some items might find their way onto e-bay, so keep your eyes peeled.  Or make me an offer...chances are if you're looking for a book on comedy, I've got it.

Pam and Harmony and I are going to my mom's place now for bragiole...I haven't had it in about 10 years, so I'm pretty excited.  I'll report later to let you know if Mom still knows her way around a kitchen.  We'll see.

Blessings and glad tidings to you!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Cars

Cars                                                                   1390

Monday, August 1, 2005-11:28 P.M.

Good evening.  It's my grandmother's birthday today.  If she had lived, she would be quite old today, but she died in her 80's, back in the 90's.  That's life, I guess.  Happy birthday, Grandma Tetta...I hope you're proud of me.

So today I participated in the National Take Back The Night parade, a neighborhood effort to fight crime at the street level.  We got a bunch of folks from the various neighborhood associations in Rochester and got a big motorcade going, complete with a police escort, and drove through all of the city neighborhoods, honking our horns and waving to the residents.  I don't know how that fights crime exactly, except that there were a few drug-dealer looking types that were yelling at us and throwing the finger.  But most of the folks seemed to be happy to see us, especially the small children, who knew it was a parade of some kind, and generally like waving.  We finished up with a rally at the Edgerton Recreation Center, just a few blocks from my house, and  we had a nice catered dinner, complete with a performance by a step team.  Community activism is civic minded and tasty!

Tomorrow, it's back to business as usual, although I might just drive around honking my horn and waving at folks just on my own.  It was fun.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY