Hey Nineteen
Wednesday, February 9, 2005-1:30 PM
You're looking at one my most prized possessions; a picture of me suited up for the Buffalo Bills at #19.
I've been a Bills fan for 25 years now, and back in 1994 or 1995, I forget which, I was cast as a background player in a Sprint Long Distance commercial.
It was the middle of June or July when I got the call. As a standup comic, I registered with almost every local talent agency that I could find with the hopes of landing that elusive gig that might provide a little bread between standup engagements. In this business, you never know where your next meal is going to come from. A casting agent asked me how much I weighed. At the time, it was about 330 lbs. She said "Perfect. Are you available tomorrow?"
The gig was simple. Dress as a Bills player, no speaking lines, and get $200 for the day. Are you kidding me? When do you want me there?
They wanted me there at 8:00 AM. Not really a time that presents itself in a comic's dayplanner. I made the ride with Patrick Michaelson to Buffalo, which normally takes about an hour, but he managed to make it in 40 minutes because he overslept and I had to keep pounding on his door to wake him up.
We showed up at Rich Stadium relatively on time, and I looked around at the other "actors." I say that with quotes because they weren't all actors. One guy was actually an ex-pro athlete. Patrick was a comedy club employee who was big enough to fit the bill. In other words, they were looking more for beefy guys than guys who could deliver a line.
After a good period of waiting, they started handing out the uniforms. At 6' 3" and 330 lbs, I kid you not when I tell you I was one of the smallest guys in the locker room. The woman handing out the uniforms says "We'll fit the largest guys first for pants. OK, I have a 32!"
I wear a 54. You must be kidding me. An actor (or an actual Buffalo) slipped past me and snatched them up. I was in trouble.
"Er, miss....I wear a 54....is there any chance you have something larger in that bag?"
"They stretch." she assured me. OK, I'll wait my turn.
I wound up getting a 28, and they're football pants, so the waist has a vertical cut in the front with laces, and you just pull the laces until the cut seals up. My pants were sporting a 180 degree cut, and I'm pretty sure my bush was showing. I figured I would just pull the jersey down over my poorly fastened nylon pants. It mostly worked.
Shoes time. I had collapsed arches in both feet, so I was pretty concerned here. I wear a 13, and the best they had was 12. I knew I was in for 8 hours or more of shooting so I was pretty concerned.
Out on the field, we were given the "script," which was for Sprint Long Distance pre-paid phone cards. The spokesguy, a little wiry character actor from New York did all the lines, basically introducing Rich Stadium as the Offical Icebox of the NFL, then patting a referee on the ass and saying "This is an offical referee" and holding up a football and saying "This is an official NFL football," etc. The capper was "There's only one offical calling card of the NFL, and that's the Sprint Long Distance card" blah blah blah. "It's prepaid for the whole NFL season, so in the springtime, there's no bills, and I like that."
At that point, the celebrity actors, Buffalo Bills quarterback Jim Kelly and coach Marv Levy lean in and say "No Bills?!?" and all the background players basically trample the spokesguy into the ground. Cute little spot, good enough payday for everyone involved.
It was definitely a lot of sitting around and wait while they set up all of the different camera angles, lighting rigs, and boom microphones. They also had to position the meager amount of extras in the stands to make it look like a full stadium. Oh, did I mention that we were all wearing winter weather gear to make it look like December in Buffalo? And that it was the middle of summer and we were all dying? There was one talent coordinator's assistant who's only job was to come by with a bucket full of astringent and mop down our necks to cool us off. They were really pampering us. With the use of foam insulation blowers, high-powered fans and these little white cornflakes painted white to look like flying snow, they turned Rich Stadium into a winter wonderland. It was quite a lesson in movie magic.
Anyway, to keep us occupied, they let us clown around with a football at the other end of the field. It was like football fantasy camp. We were kicking field goals from like 5 yards out, and failing miserably. Let me tell you, NFL kickers really earn their money. I teed up and tried one, and really hurt my foot because of the collapsed arch and too small sized shoe. I limped around for the rest of the day. It was very painful, and between shots, I would take the shoe off and massage my foot.
At one point, a school group full of children appeared near the broadcast booth with a stadium guide giving them the tour. They all appeared to be around 8 or 9 years old, and when they saw us extras throwing the ball around on the field, they thought we must be the actual Buffalo Bills practicing.
I thought fast....I was the only player wearing a quarterback number, so I took charge. We ran about 5 pass plays, with me throwing a touchdown every time. You would have thought it was Christmas morning to see and hear those kids jumping and shouting. They were watching their TV sports heroes do their thing live and close up. They could have kept their $200 at that point, it was one of the best experiences of my life. Of course, the guys who caught the touchdown passes did their part, spiking the balls and doing end-zone celebration dances. It was a blast.
Around lunchtime, the catering became available, and as "talent," we were the first bunch of people who got to eat. The spread was awesome, and I remember having some Chinese chicken dish with little pieces of mandarin orange in it, chicken salad sandwiches, and of course, the cold soft drinks and bottled waters were made available all day long.
After lunch, Kelly and Levy showed up to do their close-up parts. Jim Kelly had just come off shoulder surgery, and every major network was there. Jim and Marv were standing next to a pretty young lady who was playing the part of a sideline reporter, next to a "cameraman" who had a real television camera, although it was not operational, the purpose being the scene in the commercial showing the two being "interviewed." The networks had their own cameramen, and between shots, someone said "Hey Jim, how's the shoulder?" and tossed him a football. Jim looked around and spotted me, #19.
Now, #19 in the Buffalo Bills all-time roster only shows three guys ever having worn the number. One was a third-string quarterback, and two were rookie wide recievers. Jim must have decided I was a wide receiver, because he threw the ball to me. I was aproximately 20to 30 yards away, and not wearing my glasses. I saw a blury Jim Kelly toss the ball at me with about the same arm strength that you or I would toss a used tissue into a wastebasket. The ball WHISTLED through the air, and by the time my nearsighted ass focused on the ball, it was caroming off of my chest and into the air. I hauled it down and made the catch...you don't want to drop the ball with ESPN there.
Now, I have to toss it back. Jim's standing between Levy and the pretty young girl, and within a 10' radius, there's all these TV cameras. You don't want to hit the girl or the old man, and you certainly don't want to hit the TV cameras because they cost thousands of dollars each, and if you hit them, they have you ON CAMERA doing it. I lofted a wounded duck into the air that Kelly caught, and he must have been disgusted because he looked at me and said "Hmmph! You oughta stay on the offensive line!"
I was crushed. Nobody wants to be humiliated in front of a bunch of people, much less by his hero of all heroes. I muttered to myself, and continued walking around.
Between shots, Marv decided to walk up to some of the actors and greet them. Marv was also coming off surgery, but this was for a cancerous prostate. He was in a very good mood, and I guess he realized we weren't actually football players like Jim did, or else he probably would have had me do laps or something. He came up to me and said "Hello, youngster, how are you today?" I turned into a babbling fan, and thanked him for leading the team to all of their success, and that I was really pulling for the team to have a great year. He was every bit a class act, shaking hands, posing for pictures and signing autographs. I talked someone with a camera into taking my picture, the one seen above, and they were nice enough to mail me a copy.
By the end of the day, my foot was cramping something fierce, and we turned in our uniforms after about 10 hours of filming, and Patrick drove me back to his house where I picked up my car and drove home (painfully). When the commercial finally aired in the Fall, it didn't even show in Rochester, although Jim Kelly showed it on his TV program which did air in Rochester, and I saw that the only time I made it on screen was a group shot where a piece of my head was sticking in from the left side of the frame. Ah well, fame is fleeting. But I'll never forget the day that I suited up for the Buffalo Bills, and threw 5 touchdown passes. I'm sure those little kids won't.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
