Thank You (Led Zeppelin)

Sunday, November 23, 2008-6:30 P.M.

Back home after a week of work, and feeling guilty about blogging....isn't that funny? Blogging is the most self-indulgent thing you can do without hand lotion, and when you don't do it, you feel this guilt, as though there were droves of people hanging on your every post, and when you don't write anything for a long time, it's as though their lives stop because they don't know what you're doing or what's on your mind. Luckily, I harbor no misconceptions of my "fan base" or "readership" or whatever you want to call it. My guilt comes from my adoption of a regular blog as a clearinghouse for events as my life, as a document that my daughter can go back and read when she's older to understand what Daddy was doing when he went to work, and my inability to keep that task up with any regularity.

This week was a busy one, and performed in the throes of walking pneumonia, upper respiratory infection, or whatever the final diagnosis turned out to be. I was popping Mucinex, trying to stay phlegm-free, and certain I was infecting everyone around me. Monday, I set off for Niagara University in Niagara Falls, New York, with comedy buddy Ray Salah in tow. We made the 90 minute journey with little difficulty, and loaded in the "Dash For Dollars" gear into the student union. While leisurely setting up the props for the game show, Ray was fiddling with the sound system, and playing some pre-show music to set the ambiance. A group filed in and asked us if we would turn down the music, as they were doing some sort of poster presentation. We obliged, and the young lady continued to speak, as if we somehow hadn't fully acquiesced to their wishes. Come to find out, the group was under the impression that they had reserved the space for their event, and viewed us as interlopers, and as she went into her pitch to somehow get me to understand that I wasn't supposed to be there, I explained that I was an off-campus concern, basically a vendor, and that I was hired by Student Activities to be there, and that if there was a conflict, I was just the hired help and merely doing what I was instructed by the folks who contracted me to be there. She disappeared into the Student Activities office, and shortly after, her group hit the bricks.

Now, I'm not one to piss on campus activism. The poster presentation that the young lady (who as it turns out, was a member of the schools faculty) and her group had planned on displaying had something to do with peace in the Middle East. I'm all for peace in the Middle East, the Far East, the Near East, and even back here in North America. But I really question how effective the poster presentation would have been in bringing about peace. Were the warring factions represented here in New York? Were there enough members of the groups present in Niagara Falls to constitute a quorum? How many of them were on campus at Niagara University? And finally, how many of them would luck have to be present in the student union at lunchtime? I suppose the answer to these questions are moot, but in all fairness, if you want peace in the Middle East, I think the minimum requirement is that you actually go there to drum some of it up. I am a pragmatist, if I am nothing.

Tuesday, Ray and I made our way to Finger Lakes Community College, and a blizzard was gripping the Finger Lakes region of New York. We were driving the company vehicle, a Ford E150 van containing the Incredible Cash Cube, the centerpiece of the Dash For Dollars game show, which doesn't carry much weight as the cube is mostly air when it comes right down to it. Vehicles were colliding on the slick roads leading into Canandaigua, and we fish-tailed a couple of times on our way down, but remained on the road the whole time and arrived in a safe and timely fashion (two of the best ways to arrive, in my opinion). The show was in danger of not being very well attended until I decided to prime the pump a little bit, intruding into the student cafeteria adjacent to our performing space and throwing out dollar bills at random. In the business, we call this a "teaser," and even though no such event was scheduled, I decided that it would be a good idea. It paid off in spades, and by showtime, the event area was full of students ready and raring to compete for the money. One of the funniest moments of the show was when a game involved blowing up balloons, and one of the contestants was a young man with an assortment of piercing appliances in his lower lip. It was awkward, and led to some good comedic interplay, and he actually wound up passing that particular round and moving on in the competition.

Later that night, after returning to Rochester, Ray and I decided that with the snow that was hitting the southern part of New York, we ought to get into town early, as the next gig was in Olean, NY and they were getting their fair share of crappy weather. We took off and got into town early, slept over at the wonderful Hampton Inn (I am a whore for the Hampton Inn) and were only blocks away from Jamestown Community College, Olean Campus, the next morning. When I checked in, there was a poster on the front desk with my face on it, as I was scheduled to perform in town on Saturday doing my own standup comedy show. It was neat to check in and point to the poster and tell the desk clerk, "I'm checking in, that's me right there." JCC is a very small satellite campus, being only a cluster of four buildings in the downtown Olean area. We still had a good showing, and with the help of a diligent maintenance man who was willing to use his power tools to disassemble doors for us, we were able to roll the Incredible Cash Cube directly into our performance area instead of just putting it in the hallway, as the Student Activities Director informed us was done on the game show's last appearance at the school. I'm willing to do whatever a client wants to make them happy, but I am still a showman at heart, and I know that having the entire game show set in the performance area is a basic minimum to having a successful show. Again, the show went great, there was good attendance, and everyone had a good time. The drive back to Rochester was pleasant, with temperatures in the 50's, and no sign that snow had ever fallen in the area.

Thursday night, I was on my own, and I made my way to the State University of New York (SUNY) Canton. It was about a four hour trip, and I really dragged my feet as the grip of whatever illness I was harboring made me lazy, sluggish, and belabored my breathing. I made my report time with a few minutes to spare, and did a teaser in the dining hall where everyone was enjoying a buffet-style Thanksgiving dinner. I'm not going to lie and tell you that the glistening steam tables of turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and gravy and pumpkin pie didn't distract me at all. My antidote was to perform the teaser as quickly as possible, throw the money around, and get the hell out of there.

With the help of some student volunteers, I set up the show and got ready. I was met with a boisterous, crazy audience who went from highly involved and interested to absolutely volatile. I think if they could have just collectively picked me up, held me upside down and shook me until all the money came spilling out of my pockets, they would have. Large, athletic men were karate chopping young ladies out of the way to get a dollar. People were threatening my life and telling me in so many words that there was no way the cash cube and I were leaving campus with any money to show for it, and one young lady (who, by the way, was a contestant on stage who had her chance to win money, but was eliminated in one of the challenges) criticized me that I wasn't paying enough attention to her section, the far left-hand side of the stage. I throw money right-handed, so she may have had a point, but throwing money is completely to my discretion. I started having second thoughts about my populist views as I realized that the core of many people's psychological makeup is greed, and worse than that, a sense of entitlement. I finished the show and on the way home, I stopped at a Subway sandwich shop and had a spicy Italian sub that was in no way, shape or form as good as turkey, stuffing and mashed potatoes.

Friday was my only day off, and I packed all of my errands into it. First off was trip to the doctor and a prescription for antibiotics to finally start fighting off my illness which had been a thorn in my flesh since before Halloween. Next, a trip to the post office and my local comic book shop, Comics Etc., to pick up a month's worth of reading material that I'd missed as I'd been out of town since before Halloween. I stopped by Monroe Community Hospital where Pammey was doing a craft show and swapped our cars, and then took her car in to be diagnosed as to why her sunroof was allowing not just sunlight but rainwater to come in. The prognosis, if you're curious, was bad lifters in the back of the unit and some body rust in the roof of the vehicle. We have an appointment in December to get the unit replaced, which will provide my wife and daughter with a nice, dry vehicle to drive around in (it's the least I could do). One last stop to my daughter's school to drop off a book order, and it was back home for a nice nap. Later that evening, Pamela and I toasted our eighth wedding anniversary with a nice dinner at Red Lobster, one of our favorites (don't laugh). My mother-in-law volunteered to watch Harmony so we could have some time together, and because we're old and tired, we figured the best thing to do was go out to dinner. Ah, how time makes fools of us all! Still, we had a good time and after dinner, went out winter-coat shopping for me as my leather jacket that I've been holding on to since Chuck Yeager passed it on to me was no longer in good repair. I picked out a nice, low-cost fleece lined number with a million pockets in it to store my cell phone, bluetooth (which I don't wear if I don't have to), wallet, chewing gum, chapstick and car keys. I wanted something cheap because I just know that one of these days, I'm going to be unloading the cash cube out of the van and a sharp metal corner is going to do a number on the jacket, and I'd rather it be a cheap coat than an expensive one.

Saturday, I slept in and finally started making my way to Olean. I got into town just as the sun was setting and the snow started coming down like a bitch. I got ready for the show, shaved and ironed my clothes and made my way to the Premiere Banquet Center where I was performing with Jamie Lissow and Bill Benden. It was a co-headliner show with me as the warm-up act, and it shook out that I only needed to do 15 minutes. Still under the weather with only one day's worth of antibiotics in my system, I gladly filled the short set with a "greatest hits" montage that went over well. I palled around with Bill and Jamie, talked shop, new babies, and all that stuff that standup comics talk about when we get together. After the show, Jamie opted to brave the snow and head back to Rochester. I opted to stay in the cushy Hampton Inn and beg a late checkout. By the time I left the hotel, the sun was shining, the roads were clear, and I got to hear the first quarter of the Buffalo Bills beating the stuffing out of the Kansas City Chiefs. I swear, after Monday night's dismal, last-second loss to the Cleveland Browns, I vowed that if Buffalo couldn't hand a 1-9 team their ass, I was through with them. Luckily, they delivered, and Trent Edwards ran for two touchdowns, which is making me like him again. Then again, Rob Johnson did that crap against Jacksonville a handful of seasons ago, and I started liking him and he turned into a total piece of shit. So let's just say I'm being cautiously optimistic.

This week, it's Absolute Comedy in Toronto, my first time at the club and I'm excited to be breaking new ground. Next month, there's a lot of work close to home, holidays to prepare for, and then in January, I head off for a month-long tour of Calgary, Edmonton, and other snow-tossed cities of Western Canada. I'm excited, but also happy that it's still a couple of months off....I'm going to have to get ready for one of the farthest away places that I've ever performed in before.

Best to you and yours this Thanksgiving holiday.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY