Big Bottom

Big Bottom                                 3581

Tuesday, April 1, 2008-8:26 A.M.

I haven't been blogging very much lately, as regular readers might figure out.  It's been a combination of distraction and the desire to spend more time with my family.  March was a month of close-to-home gigs, which I thought was great because if you read my last blog, weather was getting the best of me in February.  March wasn't much better, even though the farthest away I drove was Philadelphia, which is only a six-hour drive at the worst of times.

March was a month of milestones, to be certain.  It's hard to determine which ones ranked most important, and which ones were relegated to second or third, but among the very important ones were my daughter's 4th birthday, which I was home for this year (haven't really been good about being home for them in the last couple of years) and a better bill of health from my nephrologist.

Harmony turned 4 on March 11th and a couple of days later, Dr. Hix, my nephrologist, announced that after my battery of blood, urine and stool tests, that my kidney function had elevated to 60%.  That's up from a previous 48% back in January.  I suppose that a lot of the damage done to my kidneys is a result of the mild diabetes that I suffer, and I've started taking steps (literally) to slow or reverse the symptoms.  Among other things, I've been watching my carbs and starches (so crucial), eating less meat and more vegetables, and integrating mild exercise into my regular schedule.  I've started mall-walking with my friend Ray, as we found out that the interior circumference of the Greece Ridge Mall is 1.5 miles, so we go and do three laps whenever we can.  So far, we've been getting out a couple of times a week; the original goal was three times a week, but it's so difficult to manage it around work and family obligations.

Walking the mall is definitely an interesting proposition from a people-watching perspective.  There are the regular compliment of school-aged kids, who choose to demand that the world notice them through the fanatical display of hardware either in their clothing or embedded in their face.  Who wears a bullet-belt to the mall?  And why would you wear one with a cloak?  Those two things are completely anachronistic....if you get attacked by Orcs, there are plenty of garden implements at Sears, and I'm sure they wouldn't mind if you borrowed a 15-pound sledge or a pair of garden shears in the middle of such a crisis.

One day, we were walking past a shoe store and a woman coming the other way slipped and went down to a knee.  She slid through a puddle of liquid that looked like a spilled beverage, only there wasn't a cup anywhere to be seen.....there was a trail, though, that went from a puddle over to a spot directly under a bench where an elderly woman was sitting.  I'm not sure but I think it was urine.  And slipping and falling isn't injury enough without having the insult of hydroplaning through someone's piss. "Greatest Generation" my ass....get some adult diapers, wouldja?  Unless this was the magical, sword-from-the-stone Excalibur moment when this woman realized that she might be incontinent for the first time in her life, she should have been equipped with some precautions.

I'm fat...considered "morbidly obese" by my medical records (Dr. Hix, don't leave me alone in an examination room with my big ol' file to look at), but I feel I carry it well.  I'm 6' 3", and that allows me to hide a lot of sins.  Plus, I dress in clothing baggy enough to parachute with...that definitely helps.  But during our excursions to the mall, Ray and I have twice observed individuals, both of them female, who are in dire need of some sort of surgery.  They were both walking, God love them, but they had derrieres that were so large it was like some episode of "Punked," like the scam was to drop a miserably-formed individual in front of an unsuspecting observer to see their reaction.  One woman was black, and there's nothing wrong with a ba-donk-a-donk...but this woman looked like her ass was in a car wreck and the air bag went off, and she just decided to put some jeans on over the whole thing.  People like that are fun because you can start observing them from a distance and making your smart-alecky comments before they can hear you.  Another specimen was a really large woman who was walking with a relatively average-sized man, and again, God bless her because she was walking, because she could have just as easily grabbed one of those mall-issue scooters to get around and no one would have begrudged her.  So we're walking behind this couple and I'm thinking that sooner or later, we're going to have to make our way around them because she's not moving very fast, and then as we catch up to them, they turn into the Chinese Buffet....not a big surprise, and not a moment too soon.  They were still in there when we passed on our second and third laps....I guess they wanted to get their money's worth.

I got booked to do my first-ever retirement home this year, and I did the gig last Wednesday.  I was dreading the show, to be honest, because it was another one of those "gotta be clean" events, and when you're talking about folks in their 80's, I really don't know where the line is.  I got around it by doing an hour clean, with very little filler if you don't mind me bragging, and I found out three very important things apply when you're doing a gig of this type;

1.  Don't be afraid to use a book joke.  They like them, and even if they heard it before, it's fairly unlikely they'll remember it.

2.   Don't talk too fast.  Many of the folks might have some hearing loss and you don't want to jumble a bunch of words in their ears that are difficult to decode.  Plus, you don't have to do so much material.

3.  Just because they're not laughing doesn't mean they aren't enjoying themselves.  These folks have to take a nap after dinner, a nap after a bowel movement, they aren't going to waste a lot of precious lung energy laughing at your little monkey show.

The folks who stayed awake really enjoyed the show and I got a lot of nice comments afterward, and I got the feeling that they didn't get a lot of visitors and were just happy to have the company.  Well, I got a good feeling doing the show and it satisfied that tree-huggin' liberal side of me that always wants to do good and help people.  The fact that I was making a little money on a Wednesday night didn't hurt, either....hey, I've got a family to support.

Speaking of family, Harmony had her first ever school assembly last Friday and aside from me having to dog-leg it back from Philadelphia to see said assembly, the six-hour drive turned into eight because of inclement weather, which has affected me in three out of the five weekends this month.  I was getting slush-strafed all the way up route 81 and across route 90, and one double-trailer actually flooded my windshield for almost a full ten seconds, and I definitely thought I was going right into a guard rail.  The good news is that I lived and got to see my daughter sing "The World Is A Rainbow" with the other pre-schoolers and Kindergartners and I videotaped it with Ray's camera and then afterward I cried a little bit because I was so happy and I only had about three hours of sleep and my defenses were down.

Other March highlights include an appearance at Rob's Comedy Playhouse, a new club in Buffalo, NY run by 97 Rock's Rob Lederman, a funny comic and my former employer at the Comix Cafe (Rochester).  Danny Pordum and Jeff Kuz, two funny Buffalo comics came out, Jeff doing a set and working with Rob's improv group after my set and Danny just to hang out and support.  Another Danny, Danny Liberto and I worked his room in Corning, NY at the Raddison, and I daresay I hadn't had as much fun at a gig in quite a long time.  I filled the feature role and I worked with Blane Kelly after not having seen him for a few years and we had a good time catching up.  Steve "The Nuclear Guy" Natarelli and Phil Sherman worked with me at a joint called Capizzo's in Ontario, NY and we had a good time entertaining the folks out in the woods.  An older guy tending bar there recognized my name, and come to find out he used to work with my father years ago.  It was sort of a bummer having to tell him that Dad passed away, and it was a year to the day, too.  And of course, there was a show early in the month in Buffalo, a fundraiser for the Kathleen Mary House, a charitable concern to benefit women and children who had been victimized by domestic violence.  The gig included a drive to Buffalo at 5 o'clock in the morning the day before to appear on the Channel 2 morning program for approximately 30 seconds.  Still, a big thank-you to Chesley McNeil for having me and warning me about the giant storm that was coming that doubled my drive back to Buffalo and made me curse the elements.  Last but not least, I was able to make a return appearance at the Funny Farm in Gloversville, NY, where I warmed it up in front of eight customers, five comics, and the waitress' boyfriend.

And Philadelphia can kiss my ass!  My GPS found the hotel and the gig just fine, but trying to park in Philly is ridiculous.  They don't have any spots!  There was a big giant historical building across the street from the Urban Saloon which just happened to be Eastern State Prison, and for my money, they should have torn the whole damn thing down, made a parking lot, and put a little plaque in the corner letting folks know what used to be there.  Just my opinion, of course.

I did it all this month, corporate events, fire halls, hillbilly hell-holes, traditional comedy clubs, hotel gigs, and I worked every position from feature to headliner to one-man show.  I'm looking forward to a more traditional April, which includes three weeks of work at rooms I've never played before, and a return to Dr. Grins in Grand Rapids, a club I've played numerous times (and appearing with Last Comic Standing's Rich Vos).

Happy April Fools Day!  I have no prank for you, because you don't deserve such mistreatment, and everything I have chronicled here is true.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY