Power of Positive Drinking

Power of Positive Drinking                                        8918  (2128)

Thursday, September 6, 2007-3:50 P.M.

Well, good afternoon from Garner, North Carolina, where I'm sitting in a McDonald's using their brand-new Wayport Internet service.  It's $2.95 for two hours of internet, but when you can't find a Panera Bread or a public library, it's just the ticket for browsing the web or as us road comics call it, "our day job."

I'm right around the corner from my sister's house, and I'm meeting her and her husband for dinner tonight.  It will be the first time I've seen her since before my father died, and I'm looking forward to the visit.  Hopefully, the conversation won't get too heavy...I'm not really in the mood for it today.

I last checked in on Saturday, before the Saturday evening shows at Cozzy's Comedy Club in Newport News, Virginia.  The first show was pretty sedate, a non-smoking crowd full of folks who wanted to chat, so chat I did.  Straight comedy wasn't impressing them at all, they wanted to discuss things.  It was as annoying as a husband and wife trying to converse when he wants intercourse and she wants to talk about feelings.

Second show, they wanted straight sex, no foreplay.  I said something bitchy about some guy who was drinking a Jaeger bomb, which to the uninitiated, is Jaegermeister dropped into a glass of Red Bull energy drink.  It's God-awful, and I called the guy a pussy and told him "real men don't drop their liquor in soda pop."  So, here comes the Jaeger shot with the Red Bull, courtesy of faggy drinking guy.  I downed the shot and returned the can of Red Bull, unopened, to the server.  "I drink whiskey!" I thundered, and six shots of Jack Daniels' later, I was declaring war on West Virginia and trying to get the Virginia National Guard to go with me.  And to show you what sweethearts the gang at Cozzy's are, the last shot was watered down....thank God....after 5 shots of whiskey and a Jaeger, who knows what a sixth one would have done?  Good looking out Jimmy, you English bastard (Jimmy is the limey bartender at Cozzy's....good guy, but pushes the cocktails like he's on commission).

The next morning, I paid for my indiscretions with a blood sugar count of 300...the proper range is between 90 and 120, if you're keeping score.  I had only a mild buzzing in my skull, not a full hangover, but I wasn't going to play three rounds of racquetball, either.  I took it easy, getting laundry done as I stayed as a guest of the club in their comedy condo (also known as Karen's house).  Karen spent most of the time sleeping, so it was easy for me to stay out of her way.

Monday, I spent most of the day killing time, screwing around on the internet and capping the day off with a six-episode [Scrubs] marathon.  I managed, thanks to the TV section of the Sunday paper, to find six episodes of Scrubs on three different stations thorughout the day, with only a half-hour break to watch Futurama (another of my favorite shows).

Tuesday, it was back to the road and a six-hour drive to Lake Norman, North Carolina and the Comedy Zone room in the Galway Hooker.  I was working with headliner Just June, who I work with a lot, and I had a fun show.  I did a bit on stage for the twelve or so audience members, basically asking them if they wanted to hear my normal comedy act, or would they indulge me in telling a story?  They opted for the story.....had they seen my act before?

Wednesday, I headed over to Greenville, North Carolina, home of the University of East Carolina.  The gig at Tie Breakers was fun, there were about 60 people there, which was quadruple the attendance the last time I played there.  June knocked it out of the park, and I was no slouch, if I do say so myself, although it's getting harder and harder for me to do only 25 minutes.

The highlight of this morning was finding out a little prank my good friend Steve Burr pulled on me....while my laptop computer was unattended, he changed some of my toolbar favorites to porn sites, and didn't change the icons.  Boy, was I surprised when I tried to Google something!  The funny thing was, I was looking for information about Bill Clinton, and I wound up seeing a girl with a cigar.....truth is stranger than fiction, I guess.

Friday I'm back to headlining at the room in Morgantown, West Virginia with feature act Kate Brindle.  Kate's a good kid and we've worked together a bunch before, so I'm looking forward to some good-natured tomfoolery, or in other words, I'll make off-color remarks, and Kate will scrunch her nose and make a face at me like if she smelled something bad.  Look out, Morgantown!

Saturday, it's back to Belmont, North Carolina, just outside of Charlotte, where the weekend has dried up from Thursday through Saturday to just the Saturday.  It's a small club, and the last time I was there, I did really well, so I'm happy to be going back.  The last time I was there, I was with Robert York, the cowboy juggling comedian, and this time I'm with Just June.  I'm starting to feel like a Comedy Zone All-Star!

I'm semi-dreading the 12-hour drive home, but I've gone longer and the weather's mostly nice, so I just need to keep my head down and plow, and try not to dawdle in the morning.  If I can get moving by 7 or 8, I can do the whole drive in daylight, and that will make a big difference, I think.  Also, I spared myself the Labor Day traffic by not going home last week, although I've become pretty homesick.  Maybe if I'm lucky, I can listen to some football on the radio while I'm driving.  That sattelite radio package is looking better by the day.

O.K., that's me out.  Have a good one and enjoy the rest of the summer weather before it splits.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY