More Than Words

More Than Words                                     7618  (838)

Friday, May 4, 2007-4:00 P.M.

I made a breakthrough last night on stage at the Comedy Zone in Knoxville, Tennesee.  I actually trusted myself to be funny, did my closer in the middle of my set, and left myself without an out.

Not really, but basically, I did a weaker closer and it worked just fine.

I riffed on some stuff I'd been working on and it worked great.  This was all provoked by a discussion I had with headliner Greg Warren who said to me, "If your material is overlapping with another comic on the bill with you, you're writing in the wrong direction."

It was powerful, to say the least.  I watched Lewis Black on HBO after the show last night, and was so envious of his ability to work, speak his mind, and not worry about who he might piss off.  I need to work like that, speak my mind, not be afraid, and trade on what makes me special, my specific point of view.  I must be a commodity, I'm the only me that's ever been made....I'm one of a kind.

So I got to thinking about my material, and bits that I do that get laughs, but frankly are pandering and insincere.  And also started looking at stereotypes and cliches.  And that got me interested enough to search out cliches on the internet and I came up with an interesting list.  Check these out;

Comparing Apples To Oranges.  O.K., you want me to compare apples to apples?  That's fine, a Macintosh is not the same as a Red Delicious, but isn't it fair enough to compare apples to oranges rather than, say, broccoli?  Or lightbulbs?  How about if I compare apples to apple pie?  I can make the argument that comparing apples to oranges is valid or invalid depending on the way I want the argument to swing.  So let's stop pretending that this is a valid response to an argument that the speaker doesn't find favorable.  He's a pretentious blowhard who's been backed into a corner.

Been There, Done That, Got A T-Shirt.  You're basically trying to tell me that either you know what I'm talking about or that my comment is not advancing our conversation any further.  What I basically think when you say this is that you're not skilled in the use of conjunctions and you're stupid enough to pay too much for souveneirs.

Gave 110% Effort.  Well, that's physically impossible.  You have whatever measurable talent or energy you have, and that's it.  There's no mystical storehouse that you can draw on just because your coach has cancer, or you've lost the last three Super Bowls or your company really needed this account or they were going out of business.  The truth is, you gave 100% effort, and all the time leading up to this event, you've been slacking.  You've been giving 90%, and only because your balls were on the chopping block, did the remaining 10% suddenly come bubbling to the surface.

Emotional Roller Coaster.  This is stupid.  How about, Bob crashed his car and then while he was in the hospital, he won the state lottery and then his mother died?  I think any reasonably prudent person would be able to identify the emotions that Bob went through.  Emotional Roller Coaster sounds like a stupid ride at a bad amusement park.  And after you ride it, you can go spend some time on the mood swings.

Exchanged Pleasantries.  Really, man?  How about they said "hello?"  Exchanging pleasantries sounds to me like they jerked each other off....there's a lot more going on than just talking.  And you have to watch out when you exchange pleasantries, because things might Get A Little Out Of Hand.

Old News.  This is a phrase that I would like to see abolished.  It's either old or it's new....can't be both.  It's wrong, unless you're talking about a bum sleeping under some old newspapers, in which "old" is commenting on the papers, not the stories in them.  And stop being so judgmental, the papers might be "new" to him anyways.

Y'all.  This is a common phrase in the South, and Southerners use it just to keep Northerners off balance.  Y'all is the supposed contraction of You All, but frankly, the phrase can mutate into another meaning altogether in the course of one sentence.  A Southern man could honestly say (and mean it), "O.K., I can take Y'all to the movies, but I can't take All 'O Y'all.  All 'O Y'all?  Really?  All Of You All?  You All went from meaning "everyone" to meaning "not everyone" in the same sentence.

Old Man Winter.  I don't really understand this one.  We already had Mother Nature, but I guess we don't like the idea of our Mother being cold and mean to us, stopping us from getting where we have to go easily.  The biggest problem in Winter is the difficulty in driving in the snow and ice, so in that respect, I guess Old Man Winter slows down traffic, and it's more politically correct than saying Old Man Driving Too Slow In The Fast Lane With His Left Blinker On Winter.

How about these phrases that contain unnecessary fat?

Close Proximity.  You mean "close."

General Public.  Is there a specific public?  They're not talking about me, are they?

Taken Into Custody.  This is the Park Avenue way of saying "arrested."  It's for white people who make over $100,000 a year.  Black people and poor people are "busted," which used to mean just "broke," and probably is closer to the truth than anyone wants to admit.

Submitted His Resignation.  He resigned.  He had to; it took him too long to get to the point.

And with that, I will sign off.  I've tried to be funny today, but I'm at my Wit's End.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY