Working Man

Working Man                         7860  (1080)

Thursday, May 24, 2007-12:00 P.M.

A comedy set is like sex...sometimes you get paid to do it, even though you're too tired to do it properly.

And you can do it when no one else is there!

Today I'm celebrating my fifth day of unemployment, and I have high hopes as I enter the final stretch toward my big Florida tour.  I got word earlier in the week that a few dates were canceled, but I'm staying with my mom down there, so that just means a couple more days bumming around her place....normally, I'd go nuts because it would mean *not* earning money *and* having to pay for a hotel...which sucks, to be quite honest.

Last week, I had a nice run of stage time, starting with the open mic at the Comix Cafe.  We had a good group in the room as the weather was cool and a bit rainy, and everyone seemed to bring their "A" game.  I riffed a bit and came up with a couple of "keepers," and that alone is the best reason to do open mic.

Wednesday, I hit the stage at Shenanigan's, an open mic held by Rochester's own Danny Liberto (www.noclowns.com) and we only had two guys in the place to watch the show, and they were only there because the hockey game was just getting over.  They stayed and listened politely for the first couple of comics, and then left the bar, now populated by five comics talking to the wall.

Thursday, Liberto's open mic at the Boulevard Bar and Grill was the complete opposite....the place was full of regulars and also there was a softball team swilling down beer in postgame celebration, which was funny to me, because they lost.  Also, Joe Cumbo, an area comic, was part of the softball team and performed in his ballplaying uniform, which I think was a first.

The crowd was boisterous, to say the least, and I had to fight to be heard....I jumped up on a chair (all 300 lbs. of me) and almost had my eye taken out by a ceiling fan that I didn't see in time.  I launched into a shouted version of my act, which turned into a combat comedy set with all the softball hecklers.  Joe had an easier time of it, as they were his people, but they still were looking to rip into his ass....familiarity breeding contempt, and all that.

Liberto booked me into a weekend gig on Friday, and I worked with him and Mike "Pickle" Dambra down in Waterloo, NY, at a bar called the Upper Deck.  We all had our highs and lows, and I thought I was just eating it, until I saw that every comic on the bill was having their lulls.  Still, I was flop-sweating 15 minutes into my half hour, and wound up going over time.  It kills me that the worse I'm doing, the longer I do....I guess I'm trying to win them over in one valiant surge; it's sort of like the Iraq strategy, I guess.

Saturday was a great show.  I booked myself into a dinner show for the Hammondsport, NY Volunteer Fire Department.  They were a great group, and they treated me to a prime rib dinner before I went on stage, and they couldn't have been more cordial.  I worked cleaner than usual, although I let a little language pass, but they didn't seem to mind much.  Actually, I got better laughs when I swore than when I was trying to clean things up, but I was deferring to the older folks in the group.  I got a nice e-mail from the event coordinator thanking me for my performance and inquiring as to my availability next year.  You can't ask for more than that.  It's made my whole attitude toward comedy change...I know I don't want "fame," whatever that is, I like getting on stage.  And if I can work in front of an attentive, appreciative audience, wherever it may be, than why should I bust my ass trying to get into full-time clubs that pay worse and treat you as some sort of obstruction to their business?

I understand now why a lot of comics go the corporate route.  Corporate gigs don't bristle when you ask for a contract, and you pretty much name your terms.  Clubs tell you what you're jolly well going to get, and if you don't like it, there's a hundred guys standing behind you that will happily take what they're offering.  I had more fun at the Hammondsport VFD than I did at some full-time clubs I've worked this year.  And when I was done, I went home and slept in my own bed.

Tuesday night, it was back to the routine hosting the open mic at Comix Cafe.  Steve Burr, my good friend who I've seen a lot of lately, came out and did a set, and split the $50 cash prize with Danny Viola, a comic who I started out with back in the late 80's and who is getting back into the game after sitting out for quite some time to get his teaching degree and start a family (BIG family...as he says in his act, if he has any more children, they have to move into a shoe).

Yesterday, I rented a hedge trimmer from Home Depot and spent most of the day sculpting the pair of conifers that flank our front porch.  I put on work clothes and headed outside, and when I gassed up the trimmer and pulled the cord, I felt positively Mexican!  I suddenly had the urge to drink Tequila and impregnate my wife, but I kept working.  I trimmed back most of the low-lying stuff until my friend Ray Salah arrived to help me by holding the ladder.  When all was done, I was on baby-sitting detail with my daughter, and Ray needed a ride home, so we all went to lunch at Bill Gray's, home of the World's Greatest Cheeseburger; I'm not sure who hands out that title, but I'm pretty sure Bill Gray's is in the top 10.  Later, I toddled off to Liberto's Wednesday night open mic and turned in a tired set, as my arms and legs were hurting and distracting me in ways I'm not used to.  I still managed to split the money with Steve and Danny "D-Lo" Brown, because we were the only comics who showed.

Tonight, I'm back to the Boulevard, and I won't stand on any chairs this time, and try to get a piece of that money, because I'm not working at all the rest of the week, so any little bit of income will help, even if it's just finding change at a fast-food restaurant drive thru (see Steve Burr's blog at www.steveburrcomedy.com for more information).

Thanks for reading, and the next time I check in, it should be from Daleville, Alabama, leg 1 of the Ralph Tetta Summer Tour.  Y'all be cool, now.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Raise A Little Hell

Raise A Little Hell                             7747  (967)

Wednesday, May 16, 2007-2:30 A.M.

It is very busy work to be unemployed!

I've been on a tear this week, trying to make up for the lost time I spent dealing with my father's death.  On Monday, I started ripping up the internet, using it for what I felt it was always intended, and that is the world's biggest combination encyclopedia and phone book.  I contacted a room that I've worked before asking for a date, and today I got one, and I sent out one promo package to a booker I never heard of before in the New York/New Jersey area, and they seem to have quite a few rooms that I'd like to play; especially because I never played New Jersey before in 19 years of doing standup comedy.  Yeah, it's official....my standup anniversary is the second week of May, 1988.  Maybe next year I'll do something special to commemorate the occassion.

So last week, I was working with my friend Steve Burr, born in Rochester, NY, but late of Los Angeles, CA.  We were playing the Comix Cafe in Buffalo, NY, and our Thursday show was ruined by game 1 of the NHL playoff series between the Buffalo Sabres and Ottawa Senators.  Instead, the club had dueling pianos, and we stayed home.  We were getting paid the same, but who the hell wants that?

Friday, we had two decent shows, although they weren't packed by any stretch of the imagination.  The highlight of the evening for me was talking to a couple of girls after the first show who made a big deal out of explaining where their army husbands were deployed and how far away those places were.  The one girl had nice tits (read: large), but not nice enough to break a marriage vow over, mine or hers.  Actually, the highlight was a prank that Steve played on me the second show.  I was hanging out in the bar talking with some of the Buffalo local comics, and one of the servers came running out and yelled to me "Steve's getting his ass kicked!  There's a guy on stage!"

Now, I know my friend Steve to be a peaceable guy (who said "fop?") and smart enough to run if things got too hot, but I'm going to get in there anyway just to make sure he's o.k.  I started running into the showroom, which requires you to run around this little tunnel past the box office and on the way, my wedding band fell off and bounced on the ground.  I stopped only for half a second, picked it up, put it back on and gave it a little kiss (as I always do, Pammey, if you're reading this).  Once into the showroom, I saw Steve on stage as though nothing happened, but a large guy from the audience (huge bastard, but young) smiling and walking toward the stage like he was claiming his raffle prize.  That's when I knew it was a prank and we had a little comedic give 'n' take that was actually a lot of fun.

Saturday, we had the Buffalo Sabres game 2 with Ottawa, and the club rented a large screen TV to show the game on, with comedy planned for the two intermission periods.  I didn't think it was going to be such a hot idea, and to be honest, I was right and it couldn't have been any worse.  After the first period, Buffalo scored a late goal to tie it up 2-2.  I went on stage, happy that they weren't trailing anymore, and started doing my show.  A four-top in the front row were arguing over what seemed to be the check, and I thought it unusual that the checks would be dropped so early in the evening.  I tried to get them quieted down by directing some jokes at them, but they kept fussing and sooner or later, Mike the manager came over.  I was no more than two minutes into my set when one of the guys at the table swung at Mike, who then decided to unleash the Irish fury on the guy, yanking him out of the chair and throwing him on stage at my feet.

So during this whole episode, I'm silent....like, what could you say?  And the kid's yelling "Call the police, call the police," like he's not the one who told Mike to suck his dick and then swung at him, and displayed behavior that basically led everyone to believe he wasn't going to pay his bill.  Now, my ten minute set is shot to shit, the room is in disarray, and I'm getting the same attention I would have gotten if I was auctioning off bags of candied bat assholes.  It was horrible.  I soldiered through, but I don't really know what I was expecting.

Next period of hockey, the Sabres sink to a 3-2 deficit.  Now MC Kevin Carlin brings up Steve.  Steve does his thing, but there's a malaise in the room, just a depression.  It's not a comedy club, it's a wake for a professional sports team.  If they lose this one, they're looking at two games in Ottawa and the possibility of getting swept, and who the hell needs that?  So after that, we spent the time chatting with several Buffalo area comics who came out to hang around, including Nick Siracuse (writer for The Arsenio Hall Show and The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and one of the funniest guys I know), Tom Tran and Matt Bergman.

The game is ticking down and I'm seated in the crowd, talking hockey with some of the guys in the front row like I actually know what I'm talking about, and miracle of miracles, the Sabres score, sending the game into overtime!  I begged Mike to let me go back on stage, and he obliged, and I did another 10 minutes, which went well.  I really needed the opportunity to redeem myself, I felt like a sham trying to comedy under the circumstances the first try afforded.

So after one overtime period, there's another intermission, and another comic takes the stage, this time, it's Tom Mahoney, formerly of Buffalo, now living in Florida and up visiting the area.  He did his show, but the crowd was so exhausted, they responded like they were the ones who had been skating around for three hours.  Sadly, the Sabres lost 4-3 after being scored on in the 8th minute of the second overtime, and then they lost again on Monday.  Tomorrow night, they face elimination after winning the most games in the league in the regular season, and surviving two playoff rounds against the New York Rangers and Islanders.

And what about me?  My merchandise sales were killed as the kind comedy loving folks from Buffalo shuffled past me, harboring no interest at all in procuring a souvenir from such a disappointing evening.

Tonight was fun, though, as we bid Steve bon voyage on his way back to Los Angeles.  We had a comedian's supper out at Ponderosa Steakhouse, attended by Rochester's Mike Dambra, Danny Liberto, Mark Wiedmann, Steve and myself.  We enjoyed a tasty repast and good conversation, and then Steve and I headed off to the Comix Cafe for the open mic.  Steve did a great set in the lead-off position, and then headed out with a female acquaintance.  I was hosting so I stayed to the end, bringing some of Rochester's newest comics to the stage, all vying for the big cash prize for the funniest comic.

The rest of the week is mine to decide what I want to do, with two nice local gigs to fill my weekend, and then next week, I could go live on a desert island because nobody's expecting me.  The Cafe mentioned that there might be some work for me in my old position of showroom coordinator, and I might take them up on that to shake the dust off and see if my record still plays.  Plus a little money in my pocket sounds better than sitting home, wishing I was in a club somewhere.  There might even be a guest spot in it for me if I'm really itching for the stage time.  We'll see how that shakes out.

And hey, I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but my webguy Bruce put up some video on my site at www.ralphtetta.com, so check it out if you want.

Peace be with you, and also with you.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

 

Skating Away On The Thin Ice Of A New Day

Skating Away On The Thin Ice Of A New Day             7693  (913)

Friday, May 11, 2007-2:30 P.M.

Well, it's Summer here in Rochester, and I'm suffering...mostly from allergies, the pollen is kicking my ass, but also because the Buffalo Sabres are in the NHL playoffs.

I'm scheduled to perform at the Comix Cafe in Buffalo, NY tonight and tomorrow with long-time comedy buddy Steve Burr, and tonight will be normal, but tomorrow will be all messed up because of Game 2 between Buffalo and the Ottawa Senators.

Instead of conventional wisdom, running shows as normal or perhaps condensing to one show when the game is over, the Cafe has chosen to work a different format.  The middle act for the evening (Me) will take the stage during the first intermission, and the closer (Steve) will perform during the second intermission.  That's it, one show on Saturday, actually interrupting the playoff game.

Now, I'm no fortune-teller, but I'm gambling on this being a rough show or at the very least, a difficult time for Steve and myself.  It's a special $5 admission to the club to see the game and the comedy show, and I have to figure that it's just going to be annoying for anyone who wanted to see comedy to have it interrupted by the second period of hockey, and anyone who is focused on the hockey probably won't be too concerned about the comedy.  And the intermission periods are only, what, 10 minutes each?  I'm not a big hockey fan so I don't even know.  I almost feel like why bother having comedy if you're going to concede to the game?  It's being played in Buffalo, so that's going to take 17,000 people off the streets, which would kill attendance at the best of times, so what do I know?  Maybe this is the perfect strategy.  Regardless, it's a bit of a morale buster for me as I love the Buffalo Comix Cafe and their above-average audiences very much and the missed opportunity to perform for them to my full potential has me down.

Last night the show was changed from comedy to dueling pianos, so I stayed home, yet another bummer.  I enjoy time with my family, but I am also a man, and that means I have a desire to be fulfilled by my work, and this week isn't living up to my expectations.  Not that cutting the lawn and doing other domestic chores didn't give me some sense of accomplishment, but the applause just wasn't the same when I was finished.  Ah, well.

I'll check in again after the dust settles.  This should be interesting, to say the least.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

More Than Words

More Than Words                                     7618  (838)

Friday, May 4, 2007-4:00 P.M.

I made a breakthrough last night on stage at the Comedy Zone in Knoxville, Tennesee.  I actually trusted myself to be funny, did my closer in the middle of my set, and left myself without an out.

Not really, but basically, I did a weaker closer and it worked just fine.

I riffed on some stuff I'd been working on and it worked great.  This was all provoked by a discussion I had with headliner Greg Warren who said to me, "If your material is overlapping with another comic on the bill with you, you're writing in the wrong direction."

It was powerful, to say the least.  I watched Lewis Black on HBO after the show last night, and was so envious of his ability to work, speak his mind, and not worry about who he might piss off.  I need to work like that, speak my mind, not be afraid, and trade on what makes me special, my specific point of view.  I must be a commodity, I'm the only me that's ever been made....I'm one of a kind.

So I got to thinking about my material, and bits that I do that get laughs, but frankly are pandering and insincere.  And also started looking at stereotypes and cliches.  And that got me interested enough to search out cliches on the internet and I came up with an interesting list.  Check these out;

Comparing Apples To Oranges.  O.K., you want me to compare apples to apples?  That's fine, a Macintosh is not the same as a Red Delicious, but isn't it fair enough to compare apples to oranges rather than, say, broccoli?  Or lightbulbs?  How about if I compare apples to apple pie?  I can make the argument that comparing apples to oranges is valid or invalid depending on the way I want the argument to swing.  So let's stop pretending that this is a valid response to an argument that the speaker doesn't find favorable.  He's a pretentious blowhard who's been backed into a corner.

Been There, Done That, Got A T-Shirt.  You're basically trying to tell me that either you know what I'm talking about or that my comment is not advancing our conversation any further.  What I basically think when you say this is that you're not skilled in the use of conjunctions and you're stupid enough to pay too much for souveneirs.

Gave 110% Effort.  Well, that's physically impossible.  You have whatever measurable talent or energy you have, and that's it.  There's no mystical storehouse that you can draw on just because your coach has cancer, or you've lost the last three Super Bowls or your company really needed this account or they were going out of business.  The truth is, you gave 100% effort, and all the time leading up to this event, you've been slacking.  You've been giving 90%, and only because your balls were on the chopping block, did the remaining 10% suddenly come bubbling to the surface.

Emotional Roller Coaster.  This is stupid.  How about, Bob crashed his car and then while he was in the hospital, he won the state lottery and then his mother died?  I think any reasonably prudent person would be able to identify the emotions that Bob went through.  Emotional Roller Coaster sounds like a stupid ride at a bad amusement park.  And after you ride it, you can go spend some time on the mood swings.

Exchanged Pleasantries.  Really, man?  How about they said "hello?"  Exchanging pleasantries sounds to me like they jerked each other off....there's a lot more going on than just talking.  And you have to watch out when you exchange pleasantries, because things might Get A Little Out Of Hand.

Old News.  This is a phrase that I would like to see abolished.  It's either old or it's new....can't be both.  It's wrong, unless you're talking about a bum sleeping under some old newspapers, in which "old" is commenting on the papers, not the stories in them.  And stop being so judgmental, the papers might be "new" to him anyways.

Y'all.  This is a common phrase in the South, and Southerners use it just to keep Northerners off balance.  Y'all is the supposed contraction of You All, but frankly, the phrase can mutate into another meaning altogether in the course of one sentence.  A Southern man could honestly say (and mean it), "O.K., I can take Y'all to the movies, but I can't take All 'O Y'all.  All 'O Y'all?  Really?  All Of You All?  You All went from meaning "everyone" to meaning "not everyone" in the same sentence.

Old Man Winter.  I don't really understand this one.  We already had Mother Nature, but I guess we don't like the idea of our Mother being cold and mean to us, stopping us from getting where we have to go easily.  The biggest problem in Winter is the difficulty in driving in the snow and ice, so in that respect, I guess Old Man Winter slows down traffic, and it's more politically correct than saying Old Man Driving Too Slow In The Fast Lane With His Left Blinker On Winter.

How about these phrases that contain unnecessary fat?

Close Proximity.  You mean "close."

General Public.  Is there a specific public?  They're not talking about me, are they?

Taken Into Custody.  This is the Park Avenue way of saying "arrested."  It's for white people who make over $100,000 a year.  Black people and poor people are "busted," which used to mean just "broke," and probably is closer to the truth than anyone wants to admit.

Submitted His Resignation.  He resigned.  He had to; it took him too long to get to the point.

And with that, I will sign off.  I've tried to be funny today, but I'm at my Wit's End.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY