Sweet Home Alabama

Sweet Home Alabama                                                         1153

Saturday, June 18, 2005-10:00 A.M.

Hi, gang!  It's nice to be back at my home-away-from-home, the Lady Lake Public Library in Lady Lake, Florida.  I've been out on the road for the last four days, making a swing through Florida and Alabama.  

Winter Haven was nice, it was a short drive from my dad's place in Lady Lake, but I got confused with some of the route numbers and had to backtrack and start out again.  The gig was good, even though there were only about 25 people in the room.  I worked with a comic named Pete Johannsen, a Canadian comic who had been living in Los Angeles via Seattle, and now stays in Wilmington, North Carolina.  We had a good time, and after the show, we hung around in the bar and talked politics with a German guy and some of his friends.  I sang a karaoke song, "Black," by Pearl Jam.  Like I needed the stage time, ok?

The next night, Pete and I made our way to Daleville, Alabama.  The gig was at a billiard bar that was frequented by a lot of military folks.  There was a lot of tough talk, machismo and bad language, and the guys were even worse.  I was getting pushed around by this army girl until I did a magic trick that messed with her mind a little bit (thank you, Kevin Burke).  I don't fear many men, I'm still big enough to take care of myself, but this latina girl looked like she could cut my throat and pull my tounge through it with a pair of tweezers.  I sold some merchandise, and Pete and I went out to breakfast with some people from the show.  One of the girls was in the middle of an abusive relationship, and I tried my best to counsel her to get out of the situation, but like a lot of abused women, she was scared about what that would mean.  I hope she remembers my words next time her boyfriend yells at her.  It's very sad.

27 miles away lay Dothan, Alabama, and a bar named Cowboys of Dothan.  The crowd was sparse and very submissive.  Neither I nor the headliner, Paul Hooper, made any kind of a dent in them.  They sat quietly thorugh the show, and then filed out quickly when it was over.  Paul drank all during my set, and then all during his set, and then he and the staffbadgered me into drinking like four beers and three of the most horrible shots ever.  I haven't taken a drink in about a month, and even then, it's only a small shot of whiskey, which I can usually handle, no problem.  They were giving me shots with names like "panty wad" and "bloody penis," and at one point, the girl that was bartending was laying on top of me challenging me to leg-wrestle.  Then when the bar closed, Paul grabbed a six-pack to go, and we drank two more in his room and talked politics.  I woke up feeling like Andre The Giant's Dr. Scholl's insert.  I will never drink again.

Last night in Ocala at the Hilton was very good.  The crowd was pretty old, so I did my Vegas-style set, Catskills one-liners and humor they would appreciate, also very low on the swearing.  I got a lot of nice comments and sold some more stuff.  One gentleman pulled me aside during Paul's set and explained that he liked me better than Paul because "I was a man of morals."  God, if he only knew.  I'm a shill for public adoration and merchandise sales.  I'd cop to being a lesbian vegetarian socialist soccer mom if it would sell a DVD.  After the show, I packed up and headed back to Dad's place for a nice day off.  I'm taking him out to dinner for Father's Day, because I won't be around on the actual Father's Day, but on my way to Fort Walton Beach, Florida, where I understand the crowd gets big fun and entertainment out of sending liquor up the comics on stage.  I think I might be able to get away with the old "beer bottle" trick, where you do the shot but don't swallow, and then chase with the beer, and spit the shot back into the beer bottle (thank you, Mike Dambra).  Unless it's whiskey, where I guess I'll take my chances.  Hoo hah.

Monday is the Casino Magic resort in Biloxi, Mississippi, and my first appearance in that state.  It will probably be another Catskills type affair, with lots of older folks.  I shouldn't have any problem...those shows are starting to be my bread and butter.  Maybe there's a market there that I never considered before....hmmm.

Anyway, don't forget your father tomorrow.  He's a hard working guy who only wanted the best for his children and drives thousands of miles to tell jokes in front of toothless, drunken strangers, or some other thankless task.

Have a good weekend.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY