Loser

Loser                                                                       1189

Friday, June 24, 2005-7:33 A.M.

Reporting from the Island Lounge at the Cumberland Hotel in St. Mary's, Georgia.  Good morning to you, and congratulations to the San Antonio Spurs on their NBA championship.  It seems like just yesterday that I was in Michigan for the final game of Detroit's sweep over the Lakers for their NBA championship.  Ah, well, dynasties fall hard.

Last night, the show was a typical knife-fight.  I played this venue last year and was greeted with a round of silence like you never heard before.  I was bound and determined not to be a victim this year, and really cut loose on the crowd.  It was work, but I survived, and sold some product.  I also drank about three Jim Beams, one courtesy of a table who I later met out for breakfast, unplanned.  There's a Huddle House restaurant right next to the hotel, Waffle House style food and open 24 hours.  Hoo-rah.

The folks were nice enough, and were from all over the country...St. Mary's, Georgia is a submarine base for the Navy.  There was a girl from Oregon, a guy from Texas, another guy from Georgia, an Italian guy (don't remember where he was from) and a redneck girl who was completely crazy.  She was telling me stories of how she used to be hooked on cocaine, and would strip at a club, make $300 a night, blow that on coke, and then perform oral sex to get more money for coke.  She also has two children, a 3-year-old and an 11-year-old.  God, please love those children.

Today, Ray and I head off to Waycross, Georgia.  I'm looking forward to it...it was a fun time last year, even though there were only about 10 people at the gig.  They have a Southern-style buffet that they treat the comics to, and when I say Southern-style, that means that there's ham and bacon in everything.  Green beans?  With ham.  Lima beans?  With bacon.  I think there was some pork in my diet Coke, but I can't totally be sure.

A quick read of the Florida Times Union (Georgia edition) over my continental breakfast of waffles and milk revealed that the "Bewitched" movie is a bomb.  Well, no shit.  Will Ferrell is terrible, I don't care how much you like him, he sucks and you suck for liking him.  I don't understand why Hollywood thinks they can just lay out any piece of crap as a vehicle for a comic "star" and we'll continue to patronize it.  People want stories that matter, comedies that are funny, and stars that are truly talented.  I didn't like "Bewitched" when it was a TV show, so why would I want to see a movie made 30 years after the show it's based on was cancelled?  Didn't we learn anything from "The Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas" starring the guy that wasn't John Goodman?  Listen up, Hollywood...write some scripts instead of digging bones of old TV shows.  Give us characters that we care about and comedy that's funny, and not just Adam Sandler pissing on a wall.

Did I mention Will Ferrell sucks?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY