Stuck In The Middle

Stuck In The Middle                                                  1220

Wednesday, June 29, 2005-11:50 A.M.

Ouch.  What a mess I walked myself into yesterday.

I was waiting on an itinerary for this week's shows in West Palm Beach.  When I didn't get it right away, I panicked, wrote and called the booking agency and told them to consider me cancelled, and picked up a Saturday date that another booking agency was scrambling to fill.  I was settling for less money, but to me, less was better than nothing.

Today, booker "A" called me and straightened things out, which means I had to call booker "B" and cancel the date I just took, three days before the gig.  So now I'm at the Lady Lake public library, posting the booker "B" gig on the internet and hoping there's a comic in the area who can fill in.  This sort of thing doesn't happen very often to me, but it's common in this business, so I really get uncomfortable when it's my turn.

Dammit.

Well, what's done is done, and now it's time to get on to bigger and better things.  After allowing my head to clear, and talking about it a little bit with my father, I am definitely going to run for public office.  My wife also thinks it's a good idea, but she's a little more cautious than I am.  I seem to be convinced that my charisma will carry the day, but Pam's a little more grounded in the facts that I have no experience, no money, and little name recognition outside of Rochester, NY.  So I will procede cautiously, and try to do what good I can inside my sphere of influence.

In the meantime, I drew up about 30 or so platform planks that I will undoubtedly be questioned about, and I will answer a few of them today, and a few more tomorrow, and so on, until I've covered just about everything of interest (and more, I assure you).  If there's a topic you believe I haven't touched on that you would like me to address, please e-mail me at YuksOnMe@aol.com and I'll make sure that I get to it right away.

These topics are addressed in no particular order, but I will try to include topics of interest in the areas of social concern, fiscal concern, and then throw in a few issues of my own that I believe are given short shrift in political debate...things nobody thinks about or talks about, but are important nonetheless.

ABORTION

This topic seemed to sway a lot of folks in the last Presidential election.  John Kerry's comments that he was a good Catholic and was even an altar boy when he was younger, but still supported stem cell research, seemed to turn a lot of folks off.  I was raised Catholic, but stopped going to Sunday school in the third grade.  My attendance was so bad in the second grade, the nuns told my parents that they needed to hold me back a grade.  This made me an object of ridicule amongst the public school students whom I attended classes with during the week who attended Sunday school with me on the weekend; after all, who gets left back a grade in Sunday school?  Apparently, me.  So I stopped going all together.  Years later, 1993 to be exact, I got mixed up in drugs (cocaine, to be exact), and giving my life and trust to Christ was the only thing that helped me in the recovery of that treacherous time.  I'm still not a regular church-goer...I'm usually driving home from somewhere on a Sunday morning, having performed shows out of town on Saturday night.  So I'm not exactly in lock-step with the traditional Christian stance on abortion.  My attitude is simply this; my wife and I have a beautiful, healthy baby girl that we wanted, planned on, and are prepared to support and raise.  We are in the 100% range when it comes to deciding whether or not to have a baby is a good decision.  Some folks don't have that luxury.  Pure and simple.  If a woman is raped and becomes impregnated, should she be obligated to carry her attacker's baby for nine months, and then give the child up for adoption or raise the child herself, a living reminder of her trauma?  Is that a Christian decision to require her to do that?  I wouldn't make that decision for someone.  The woman's been through enough.  How about a woman who becomes pregnant, and through ultrasound technology or other investigations, the doctors conclude that the child wouldn't be totally healthy?  I worked with a woman who gave birth to a child who didn't have all of her spine and heart.  The child died four months after birth.  Is it Christian to allow a child to go through the pain of all the procedures that were tried in those four months to keep the child alive, even though everyone involved knew they were grasping at straws?  I think abortion, even though I detest the idea of using it as after-the-fact birth control, needs to be allowed and used when the situation dictates.  Every situation is different, and to pretend that one sweeping policy will cover all and make it good is ridiculous, small-minded and wrong.  And if you try to tell me that human beings shouldn't have the power that God reserves to determine life and death, then I say to you...

CAPITAL PUNISHMENT

...is wrong, too.  Pure and simple.  Lifetime imprisonment in solitary confinement is worse than death for crimes that are barbaric and heinous.  And, if the State finds out that an individual is wrongly imprisoned, they can let the guy go!  It's a win-win!  And if you complain to me that the cost of lodging a criminal for life is expensive, it's actually right about the same as the appeals process for a death-row inmate.  And without tying up valuable court time.  The end.

TAXES

This is a touchy subject.  People hate it when you mess with their money.  But that's the point, isn't it?  Poor people don't object so much, because they have less money to mess with.  There are actually laws that protect poor people from having their money messed with because at some point, lawmakers decided that you can't deny someone the basics of life (food, clothing, shelter) once they start hovering near the poverty line.  I, myself, flirt dangerously with the poverty line every day of my life.  I have a wife and a child, and a job where work comes in fits and starts (read the above account way up at the top).  So I understand the passion with which both the rich and the poor feel about their money.  As the middle class dwindles away, the rich will soon have to bear the tax burden.  And I mean all of it.  My conservative brother, whom I love even though he is a callous nitwit, whenever we discuss this, says "You can't punish the rich for being rich."  I don't mean to punish the rich.  But if you overtax the rich (and no one will ever come up with a rate that is fair...high-paid accountants will always find a loophole), you will not deny them the qualities of life.  And as a matter of fact, if you do overtax the rich, and dump the money into programs that help the poor, you get the benefit of a lot less poor people mugging, burglarizing and robbing the rich to put food on their tables.  A hungry, sheltered guy usually doesn't go out and get a gun and cause trouble...I believe Elvis covered  this in his song "In The Ghetto."  And if that cracker hillbilly can get it right, what's wrong with the rest of us?

HEALTH CARE

The Hippocratic oath, the oath that doctors take to treat every patient, regardless of their right to pay, is a sacred one.  However, hospital adminstrators, HMO personnel, insurance agents and the like do not take this oath.  Catostrophic injury or illness can and does strike everyone, with little regard to financial worth.  If all men are created equal, like the Declaration of Independence says, then don't we all deserve equal care?  If you stand idly by while people go without proper health care, prescription medication, life-saving surgeries or other processes, there is a special place in Hell for you, my friend.  Denying care is a by-product of greed, and I won't have it on my watch.

SUPERHEROES

You heard me, jackass.  Why don't we have any?  We've got amazing technologies in place already...how come we don't have a Batman or an Iron Man?  All they are is normal guys with good technology.  You can take a picture with a phone, program a computer to launch a missile that will hit a target the size of a loaf of bread 3,000 miles away, send real time information about temperatures on Mars all the way back to Earth, you'd think we'd have a Super Soldier or two flying around New York or Los Angeles keeping the peace.  We certainly could have used one on 9/11, huh?  And people like superheroes.  They stand for Truth, Justice and the American way, they give kids role models, people to look up to, and finally, they give color newspapers like USA TODAY something interesting to put on the front page.  Wouldn't you love to see a front page color picture of Spider Man webbing some terrorists or drug dealers to a lamppost?  I sure would.  I think we need to start working on this stuff right away.  It sure would make the world a lot safer than some politician sitting at a desk wondering whether or not the wording of a law was correct or not.

More tomorrow.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Politician

Politician                                                                                    1212

Tuesday, June 28, 2005-2:22 P.M.

I'm getting ready to leave sunny Florida, USA and go back home to Rochester.  I'm still waiting on the itinerary for my weekend gig in West Palm Beach, Florida, but as of now, it has not been received.  I'm wary of a gig with no itinerary; have I been fired and just don't know it?  Is the gig still there?  If I'm unemployed, I'd like to get a jump on the Fourth of July traffic this weekend and get home for a few days of R 'N' R.

I took Ray to the Orlando airport yesterday.  And when I say I took him to the Orlando airport yesterday, I mean it took all day yesterday to get him there and then return to my father's house.  The traffic was horrific, and it rained like a scene out of The Ten Commandments.  At least Ray got home safely.  And I spent 6 hours in my car, where I seem to spend all of my time now.

I have decided that my life's work is to enter the world of politics.  I don't know the law and I don't know how government works, but I feel exceptionally called to help straighten out the bullshit state our country is in.

For the record, I don't know what level of elective office I am going to try for, but I'll shoot as high as possible.  I'm not ruling out a run for Governor of New York, if I can get the financing together.  I think a plain-talking family man like myself might do well, if I can get my message across and move the hearts of common working people.  I have no experience, but I think the American people don't mind that if the guy's (or gal's) heart is in the right place.  We live in a country that saw Jesse Ventura, a professional wrestler and actor, become governor of Minnesota.  I think a comedian can do just as well.

Tonight, I'm going to sit down and create a platform.  Tomorrow, I'll list my stance on issues.  In the meantime, if you'd like to ask me questions or suggest issues I should address, e-mail me at YuksOnMe@aol.com.  I sure would like to hear from you.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY

Hot Blooded

Hot Blooded                                                                         1203

Monday, June 27, 2005-10:00 A.M.

Dear Hustler,

I thought it would never happen to me, but it did.  I was attacked by two women in a bar who did me right on the pool table.

Actually, it didn't happen that way.  But it could have.

Saturday night's show in Valdosta, Georgia, was an interesting affair.  The show was supposed to come off at 8:30, but didn't start until 9:00.  At times, it seemed like there would be no crowd to play to, and many people walked in and out of the room before showtime, offering false hope, and then dashing that hope to the ground when they left.  Come to find out, the bartender was being very fastidious about checking I.D.'s, and if the patrons were not 21 years of age or more, they were asked to leave.

So the show went on at 9:00, with about 15 people in attendance, and it was o.k.  There were two ladies in attendance, Krissy and Jackie, two divorcees who were out for a good time.  They cackled and interrupted the show, not in a mean way, but interrupting nonetheless.  After the show, they hung around with Ray and myself and were asking us out to another bar, which I, being the married one, respectfully declined.  Ray, however, had no wedding ring or alibi, so he got his rear-end fondled and his package grabbed, and he bitched at me at length the next day.  Jackie bit my neck at one point.  They were interested in more fun than Ray and I could provide together.  Alack and alas.

We went book shopping the next day at one of those joints that advertise "No book over $3!"  And the place was rife with biographies of Bill Frist and Laura Bush and a bunch of other right-wing standard bearer losers.  What could I possibly glean from the biography of Laura Bush?  How to be a honky Stepford wife?  Puh-lease.

Ray flies home to Rochester today at 2:00 P.M., and I have a week or less before my big drive home.  I'm still waiting on an itinerary for this weekend's work, and if I don't get it, I'm going to be able to go home early, which right now would be quite a blessing.  I'm tired and homesick and want to be with my wife and daughter again.  Not that my father's company hasn't been fun, but I spent 30 years with him, so it's all just more of the same.

Enjoy your family today, because trust me, you will miss them like hell when they're (or you're) gone.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY

All Mixed Up

All Mixed Up                                                                1196

Saturday, June 25, 2005-12:24 P.M.

Good afternoon from Waycross, Georgia.  Last night's show was interesting and weird, like masturbating with a piece of raw liver.  It felt good, but I knew it was just wrong.

The room, which was in the Holiday Inn we were staying in, was all wrong for comedy.  There was a big dance floor (for the karaoke after the show), and the bartender insisted on running the big blender during Ray's set, and then not running it at all during mine.  So now you get interruptions during the guy who is setting the tone for the show, and pissed off customers during the headliner's set because they can't get their blender drinks.  Better to do either or and be consistent for the show.  Alas, the folks were clueless, and explained it away; "We thought last week was the final week of comedy for the season, but it's next month."  OK, so that's the perfect explanation on why everything is done half-ass.  I love a good rationalization, I hardly go a day without one, but that's total bullshit.

Dinner was good, though.  At least there was a comped meal involved.  A nice steak and baked potato, and the fact that I had already been paid for the performance in advance, really took the edge off.  I was so comfortable, I dropped my pants on stage.  Again, the show was good, but afterwards, it was obvious that I was just a time-killer until the karaoke patrons came in.  They couldn't wait to fill those slips out and get up and sing the same country songs they listened to in their pickup trucks with the cracked windshields on the way to the show.  Que Sera.

Tonight, the show is in Valdosta, Georgia, and experience shows that the crowd will be a little more metropolitan, even though the city hold little more than 44,000 people.  I will make the best of it, and continue to count the days until I can go home.  For those that are counting, that's late night on July 5th I will pull my car into the driveway of my home in Rochester, and get out and kiss mywife, my daughter, and the ground, and not necessarily in that order.

Today it's cool and rainy, and that's a nice break from the sweltering heat we've been having down here all month.  Thank God for the rain!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Loser

Loser                                                                       1189

Friday, June 24, 2005-7:33 A.M.

Reporting from the Island Lounge at the Cumberland Hotel in St. Mary's, Georgia.  Good morning to you, and congratulations to the San Antonio Spurs on their NBA championship.  It seems like just yesterday that I was in Michigan for the final game of Detroit's sweep over the Lakers for their NBA championship.  Ah, well, dynasties fall hard.

Last night, the show was a typical knife-fight.  I played this venue last year and was greeted with a round of silence like you never heard before.  I was bound and determined not to be a victim this year, and really cut loose on the crowd.  It was work, but I survived, and sold some product.  I also drank about three Jim Beams, one courtesy of a table who I later met out for breakfast, unplanned.  There's a Huddle House restaurant right next to the hotel, Waffle House style food and open 24 hours.  Hoo-rah.

The folks were nice enough, and were from all over the country...St. Mary's, Georgia is a submarine base for the Navy.  There was a girl from Oregon, a guy from Texas, another guy from Georgia, an Italian guy (don't remember where he was from) and a redneck girl who was completely crazy.  She was telling me stories of how she used to be hooked on cocaine, and would strip at a club, make $300 a night, blow that on coke, and then perform oral sex to get more money for coke.  She also has two children, a 3-year-old and an 11-year-old.  God, please love those children.

Today, Ray and I head off to Waycross, Georgia.  I'm looking forward to it...it was a fun time last year, even though there were only about 10 people at the gig.  They have a Southern-style buffet that they treat the comics to, and when I say Southern-style, that means that there's ham and bacon in everything.  Green beans?  With ham.  Lima beans?  With bacon.  I think there was some pork in my diet Coke, but I can't totally be sure.

A quick read of the Florida Times Union (Georgia edition) over my continental breakfast of waffles and milk revealed that the "Bewitched" movie is a bomb.  Well, no shit.  Will Ferrell is terrible, I don't care how much you like him, he sucks and you suck for liking him.  I don't understand why Hollywood thinks they can just lay out any piece of crap as a vehicle for a comic "star" and we'll continue to patronize it.  People want stories that matter, comedies that are funny, and stars that are truly talented.  I didn't like "Bewitched" when it was a TV show, so why would I want to see a movie made 30 years after the show it's based on was cancelled?  Didn't we learn anything from "The Flintstones: Viva Rock Vegas" starring the guy that wasn't John Goodman?  Listen up, Hollywood...write some scripts instead of digging bones of old TV shows.  Give us characters that we care about and comedy that's funny, and not just Adam Sandler pissing on a wall.

Did I mention Will Ferrell sucks?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Cinema

Cinema                                                 1185

Thursday, June 23, 2005-1:50 P.M.

Yesterday, I whiled away the time at my father's house by watching movies.  He's a movie buff, and has literally over 1,500 titles on VHS tape.  He has shelves built into a walk-in closet to house all of them, and I was notified that upon his passing, I will inherit them.  Oh boy.

I watched "Monster's Ball" last night, a film I actually bought for him last year when I was down here in Florida (I visit for a month or so each year).  It was quite a dark film, and it showed an ugly part of the South...the racist, poor, violent stuff that nobody likes to talk about.  I find it funny that "the Bible belt" has the highest incidence of prejudice, violence, and ignorance, not to mention poverty.  Of course, that's not to say that our urban centers in the North don't have those things, think of the murder and violent crime rates in New York, Detroit, Washington and Philadelphia; but in the South, it seems to be more focused on, perhaps because of the smaller populations.  Regardless, it is my belief that every stereotype has a root in truth, and upon my visits to the South, I've found them to be quite truthful.

For instance, in Biloxi, Mississippi, I did a joke that I do every night, about Halloween.  I say that normal folks have normal Halloweens.  Your mother puts a sheet over you, cuts a couple of eye holes, and you go as a ghost.  I was the fat kid, so my mother put an afghan over me and sent me out as a couch.  The joke gets a nice laugh.  I follow it up with the line "I tried that joke in (insert southern state here), and they said 'Hell, we do that now!'"  It's a Klan reference, and it always gets the laugh.  Well, I was in Mississippi, so I decided instead of using a different state, which I would do, I used Mississippi itself.  It got probably the biggest laugh of the evening, because it's TRUE.  Black folks and white folks alike got a chuckle out of it, and frankly, that's sad.

Life imitates art, and that's unfortunate.  See a good movie today, if you can.  I promised my precious wife Pamela that I wouldn't see Star Wars III without her, and it's killing me.  I will, however, probably see Batman Begins this weekend, because I'm a huge comic book fan and can't hold off.  Besides, a nice, air-conditioned theater is what I'll need to escape the Georgia heat.

See a nice movietoday.  I recommend "The Terminal" if you're going to rent, or check out "League of Extraordinary Gentlemen" which is on HBO this month.  And don't forget the popcorn!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Bark At The Moon

Bark At The Moon                                               1175

Wednesday, June 22, 2005-1:50 P.M.

Good afternoon from the Lady Lake Public Library in Lady Lake, Florida.  I'm home safe after a grueling drive from Biloxi, Mississippi, to my dad's house in Central Florida.  What a weekend it was, even if the shows were on Sunday and Monday rather than Friday and Saturday.

Sunday night's show was at a bar called Howl At The Moon in Fort Walton Beach, Florida.  All the warnings I received about the rough 'n' tumble crowds they get were hogwash.  Nobody sent shots up on stage for me, nobody heckled me beyond what I call a "joyous heckle," one where the audience member is so moved by what you said that they felt obligated to respond, and they were very attentive during my whole set.  And to top it off, I tied the merchandise sales record for this tour.  Hooray for me!

Howl At The Moon is one of those "dueling piano" bars, and one of the guys looked just like Dana Carvey.  We wound up speaking for a few minutes while Paul Hooper was on stage doing his thing.  We also had a guest spot, Marc Ryan, who was visiting from Los Angeles.  It was a great show all the way around, and I had a lot of fun.  Which was good, because the night started out with a total cock-up, I arrived at the hotel after my 5-hour drive, and the desk clerk had no knowledge of me, the bar which had been lodging their comics there for years, and couldn't pull up any name I gave him.  I proceded to the bar (which the desk kid had never heard of and didn't know where it was even though it was three blocks down the road) and hooked up with Paul, who had the same problems I did.  We stayed at the club until the assistant manager, Mick, let us in, and he called Steve, the manager, who went down to the hotel and set things straight.  I won't tell you the name of the hotel chain, but I've spent many a Days Inn them.

The next day, I had a two hour drive to Biloxi, Mississippi, the home of the Casino Magic Resort.  The room, a jacuzzi suite, was one of the nicest rooms I've ever been put up in.  I like the casinos, because they go all out to make the talent feel comfortable.  I got a comped buffet pass, and had a nice meal before the show, but skipped the crab legs...I justdon't know how to open those things.  It seems like too much work to go through for some food.

The show was good...the average age in the room was easily 65 or older.  I did a clean show, mugged around a little bit, and enjoyed my time.  As I got off stage, which was a standard Vegas-style showroom thing with a big ramp going down the middle of the room, a lady came up to me and said that she saw me in New Smyrna Beach, Florida two weeks ago.  What are the odds, I said.  Apparently, the odds were 1 out of 1, because there we were.

The trip back to Florida yesterday was grueling.  560 miles, and I managed it in just under 8 hours.  You do the math...and consider stops for gas, rest areas and bathroom breaks, and the odd construction slowdown here and there.  Also, there were cops everywhere, which I managed to evade, praise the Lord.  Then after a nice nap, I headed to Orlando to pick Ray Salah up at the airport.  We're doing the big Giggles Georgia tour, which I enjoyed very much last year.  I'm looking forward to our shows this weekend.  It's always a bonus to go to nice places where they treat you nice, and an even bigger bonus to bring a friend along to enjoy it with.

I got word today that I just picked up a one-nighter that falls in the middle of a week where I would normally have had the night off.  Just when I think I can't possibly schedule any more work this year, I managed to squeeze one in.  God is looking out for me, no doubt about it.

I continue to miss my wife and daughter, and I'm counting the days until I return home.  For the record, that's 13 days.

Have a wonderful week, and remember that God can't answer prayers that you don't make.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY

Sweet Home Alabama

Sweet Home Alabama                                                         1153

Saturday, June 18, 2005-10:00 A.M.

Hi, gang!  It's nice to be back at my home-away-from-home, the Lady Lake Public Library in Lady Lake, Florida.  I've been out on the road for the last four days, making a swing through Florida and Alabama.  

Winter Haven was nice, it was a short drive from my dad's place in Lady Lake, but I got confused with some of the route numbers and had to backtrack and start out again.  The gig was good, even though there were only about 25 people in the room.  I worked with a comic named Pete Johannsen, a Canadian comic who had been living in Los Angeles via Seattle, and now stays in Wilmington, North Carolina.  We had a good time, and after the show, we hung around in the bar and talked politics with a German guy and some of his friends.  I sang a karaoke song, "Black," by Pearl Jam.  Like I needed the stage time, ok?

The next night, Pete and I made our way to Daleville, Alabama.  The gig was at a billiard bar that was frequented by a lot of military folks.  There was a lot of tough talk, machismo and bad language, and the guys were even worse.  I was getting pushed around by this army girl until I did a magic trick that messed with her mind a little bit (thank you, Kevin Burke).  I don't fear many men, I'm still big enough to take care of myself, but this latina girl looked like she could cut my throat and pull my tounge through it with a pair of tweezers.  I sold some merchandise, and Pete and I went out to breakfast with some people from the show.  One of the girls was in the middle of an abusive relationship, and I tried my best to counsel her to get out of the situation, but like a lot of abused women, she was scared about what that would mean.  I hope she remembers my words next time her boyfriend yells at her.  It's very sad.

27 miles away lay Dothan, Alabama, and a bar named Cowboys of Dothan.  The crowd was sparse and very submissive.  Neither I nor the headliner, Paul Hooper, made any kind of a dent in them.  They sat quietly thorugh the show, and then filed out quickly when it was over.  Paul drank all during my set, and then all during his set, and then he and the staffbadgered me into drinking like four beers and three of the most horrible shots ever.  I haven't taken a drink in about a month, and even then, it's only a small shot of whiskey, which I can usually handle, no problem.  They were giving me shots with names like "panty wad" and "bloody penis," and at one point, the girl that was bartending was laying on top of me challenging me to leg-wrestle.  Then when the bar closed, Paul grabbed a six-pack to go, and we drank two more in his room and talked politics.  I woke up feeling like Andre The Giant's Dr. Scholl's insert.  I will never drink again.

Last night in Ocala at the Hilton was very good.  The crowd was pretty old, so I did my Vegas-style set, Catskills one-liners and humor they would appreciate, also very low on the swearing.  I got a lot of nice comments and sold some more stuff.  One gentleman pulled me aside during Paul's set and explained that he liked me better than Paul because "I was a man of morals."  God, if he only knew.  I'm a shill for public adoration and merchandise sales.  I'd cop to being a lesbian vegetarian socialist soccer mom if it would sell a DVD.  After the show, I packed up and headed back to Dad's place for a nice day off.  I'm taking him out to dinner for Father's Day, because I won't be around on the actual Father's Day, but on my way to Fort Walton Beach, Florida, where I understand the crowd gets big fun and entertainment out of sending liquor up the comics on stage.  I think I might be able to get away with the old "beer bottle" trick, where you do the shot but don't swallow, and then chase with the beer, and spit the shot back into the beer bottle (thank you, Mike Dambra).  Unless it's whiskey, where I guess I'll take my chances.  Hoo hah.

Monday is the Casino Magic resort in Biloxi, Mississippi, and my first appearance in that state.  It will probably be another Catskills type affair, with lots of older folks.  I shouldn't have any problem...those shows are starting to be my bread and butter.  Maybe there's a market there that I never considered before....hmmm.

Anyway, don't forget your father tomorrow.  He's a hard working guy who only wanted the best for his children and drives thousands of miles to tell jokes in front of toothless, drunken strangers, or some other thankless task.

Have a good weekend.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY

Photograph

Photograph                                                          1139

Tuesday, June 14, 2005-12:40 P.M.

Happy Flag Day, America!  It's Flag Day, and my father's retirement community is festooned with little American flags in front of each house.  It's already a nice (if somewhat sterile) looking place to live, just like an affluent suburban anywhere, and it's neat to see it all dressed up for the holiday.  Before I left for Florida, I put my new power drill to work and affixed a flagpole holder to our house at attic level and put out the flag that we've been storing in our back hallway for a year or so.  We wanted to put it out at ground level, but were sure that one of our nasty neighbors (and in our neighborhood, there's plenty to go around) would steal it.  If they want to steal this one, they got a nice climb ahead of them.

Ray and I part company today, but he'll be back in a week.  He's heading back to Rochester for his mom's birthday, which I think is sweet.  He'll be back next week for our tour of Georgia, which I think will be fun.  I start a four-day stretch tonight in Winter Haven, Florida, and I'm very excited.  Ray's taking some money back home to my lovely wife, which saves me the problem of mailing it back to her or directly to my bank (there's no branches of either of our banks down here in Florida), and then when Ray comes back, he'll have more merchandise for me as Pam is busily spinning off new DVD's for me back home.

Yesterday, Ray and I took my dad's golf cart to the post office, and there was an old guy there with a couple of Pomeranians in his golf cart.  They were possibly the smallest dogs I've ever seen, and the old guy let us take a picture of them.  When Ray gets the pictures developed, I'll make sure to post them on this journal.  I guess I wanted to take a picture of them because my parents had miniature poodles when I was growing up, and even though I haven't thought of them in years, there's about a hundred pictures of them all around my dad's house.  You can't walk into a room without seeing pictures everywhere of Alex and Giddy, who were famous back in Rochester as being "the dogs in the window;" we lived on the corner of Dewey Avenue and Seneca Parkway, and we had a big bay window thatwe put a sofa in front of, and Alex and Giddy would sit on top of the back of the sofa and look out the window, and of course everyone would be able to see them.  My mother and father loved those dogs, and it was pretty heartbreaking when they got old and had to be put to sleep.

My dad also has a great picture of SnaxTheCat when he was little...you could see how fit and trim he was when we let him outside to run around.  Now he's a fixed indoor cat, and he's gotten fat.  He's fast when he wants to be, but clearly, he doesn't really want to be fast that often.

I realize now why I don't enjoy picture taking that much...I prefer to look forward rather than backwards.  My father has a lot of picture of me when I was younger, and many of them are not very flattering, and remind me of a time when I was much less stable and not very happy.  And I wonder why I turned to drugs and alcohol...especially with that haircut...what was I thinking?

I'm going to go now...I'll check in from the road as the spirit or opportunity moves me.  Enjoy the Summer and the good outdoor activities it allows.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Old Man

Old Man                                                                  1134

Monday, June 13, 2005-12:58 P.M.

Ray and I had a nice weekend in our mini-tour of Florida's Route 19, in the nice towns of Weeki Wachee and Homosassa Springs.  The gig in Weeki Wachee was nice, the show was in the hotel we were staying in, which is always a bonus.

The crowd was "Cocoon" old, and even though I'm not that young, (38) I felt like a pitchfork in a utensil drawer.  Ray did a great job in the opening spot, and then I got a great surprise as the audience really enjoyed my show.  I didn't bother second-guessing whether or not my material was too "blue" for them, I just delivered it the way I deliver it.  I did back off on the language, though, just out of respect.  They rewarded me with good laughter and applause, and I moved a fair amount of CD's and DVD's after the show.  The manager actually remarked to me that several comics have brought merchandise with them, but no one ever sold very much.  I think that makes a statement right there.  I was proud as a peacock.

Saturday night in Homosassa Springs was a good show, but they really made me fight for it.  Good response overall, but there were a few moments where they got absolutely silent, like it was a total group decision that "We didn't like that joke," moreso than "We didn't understand that joke."  There was mile audience interaction, but nothing scathing.  I plowed through my set and finished well, which is what I wanted to do.

Yesterday, I finally got to a comic book store.  I picked up the ever-elusive final chapter in the Justice League "Syndicate Rules" storyline, as well as the new Astonishing X-Men, written by the incredible Joss Whedon.  Then, after a saunter through the "6 for a dollar" bin, I scored a big pile of Superman and Justice League back issues.  I'm sure I got some doubles by mistake, and I will happily farm them out to my wife's friend Mary's son Shaun.  He's 12, so it'll be like Christmas in July for the lad.

I have today off before resuming the tour in Winter Haven, Florida, then it's up to Alabama for a couple of dates, and back to Ocala, Florida, then Saturday off.  Sunday and Monday take me to Fort Walton Beach, Florida, then the Casino Magic showroom in Biloxi, Mississippi.  This will be my first visit to the states of Alabama and Mississippi, which leaves Louisiana as the only state in the region I haven't performed in.  Someday....Someday....

I had a brief cock-up with my scheduling through the Comedy Zone...I was supposed to perform in Greensboro, North Carolina on my way home to upstate New York, but got the dates wrong.  Luckily, I got that straightened out this morning...I actually picked up work that same week, thanks to Carol Pennington at Hysterical Management in Cleveland.  One of her client clubs opened up in West Palm Beach, and I scored the open week of dates.  It's half the money I was supposed to make in Greensboro, but at least I'm not unemployed.  Also, it gets me home a day earlier than expected, which my wife will appreciate.  I miss her and the baby very much, so I appreciate it, too.

Keep on rollin'.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY

Call Me A Dog

Call Me A Dog                                                                      1125

Friday, June 10, 2005-1:01 P.M.

Good afternoon from Lady Lake Public Library in Lady Lake, Florida. (www.ladylakelibrary.com)  Ray Salah and I are having a fine time down here in Florida as part of our Southeastern tour.  Wednesday night, we performed at Gilly's 44 in New Smyrna Beach, Florida.  It's a nice little sportsbar/restaurant, and they draw well for comedy.  Ray had a nice set up front, and then despite a few hecklers who really didn't get the whole "I'm at a comedy show and ought to shut my fucking mouth" thing,  I had an enjoyable time doing my one-hour set, which I rarely get to do.  I remember when I first became a feature, I knew I was really ready to be in that position when I would come off stage and think to myself, "Oh, damn,  I forgot that bit," or "I forgot that set of jokes."  Well, I'm happy to report that that exact thing happened to me on Wednesday.  I didn't do any fluff or filler, I did jokes that I wrote, and after an hour, still had pieces that I forgot to do.  Any self doubts that I had in that respect are gone.  It's a very good feeling.

Last night was a night off, so Ray and I decided to venture up to Daytona Beach, home of the Daytona Kennel Club and poker room.  Ray played in a couple of poker tournaments, culminating in a "bad beat" when his pocket aces got cracked by some redneck asshole who decided he was "chip rich" enough to play a 5-6 off-suit, and then caught a straight on the river.  I was there for it, and it wasn't a pretty sight.  I bet on the dog races, which is unusual, because I never even bet on horses before.  It's pretty easy, which makes me understand even less how people could be so worked up over it.  I placed a total of 15 two-dollar bets over the course of 13 races, and won back 12 of my 30 dollars.  So it turned out to be 18 dollars worth of fun and education.  It's actually really exciting watching the dogs haul ass around that track...those puppies can RUN.  And lest you think the dogs are mistreated, they are only allowed to run one race every three days, andthey are kept well, brushed and petted and loved.  There was one young lady who was taking her dog around inside the building where you make your bets, and the dog was getting more than her share of love and attention.  It was a real eye-opener of an experience, especially since there were a lot of families in attendance last night.  I wouldn't have thought that a racetrack would have made the cut for family entertainment, but at only a one-dollar admission cost, where else are you gonna take a family of five for an evening's diversion?  Also, they had hot dogs, nachos, ice cream, pretzels, popcorn, sodas and beers at the snack bar, and I got a double cheese nacho dish and got a nice big cheese stain on my white shirt.  Fun times, fun times.

Tonight, we have a show in Weeki Wachee, Florida, which I never heard of before, but it's on the Gulf Coast on route 19.  It should be a good time.  I'm looking forward to that, as well as the gig tomorrow night in Homosassa Springs, which I did last year and had a great time with.

Today, it's thrift store shopping and hopefully a comic book shop.  If not, plenty of time this weekend to make it happen.

Pet a dog today.  They truly are man's best friend.  And if the spirit moves you, send five bucks to an animal shelter (or adopt a stray).  Every dog deserves a nice home, or at least a place where they can run and run and run.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY

Heroes

Heroes                                                1115

Hello, and welcome from Lady Lake, Florida, home of The Villages, the largest retirement complex in a state that is basically one big retirement complex.  I'm at my regular hangout, the Lady Lake Public Library, where they know me pretty well because I come here everyday to scam free internet access and nice air conditioning.  It's 90 degrees out, give or take Satan's breath, and I'm sweating so much, children run in and out of my shadow like I'm a wrenched-open fire hydrant.  

My mother helped me pick up Ray Salah, my opening act for the week and one of my best friends in the world, from the Orlando airport last night.  It was easily a one-hour trip one way, so I had a chance to catch up with mom a little more about what's been going on in our lives since we last saw each other last year.  Ray's flight was delayed because of an equipment problem, so Mom and I had a bite to eat at the airport McDonald's.  My mom was impressed that my career was doing so well that I could afford to take her out to such an expensive restaurant.

Tonight, Ray and I are performing at Gilley's 44, a nice sports bar/restaurant on the Atlantic coast in a town called New Smyrna Beach.  I worked there last year, and the place was very well attended.  I hope things go as well this year, but we're getting a little rain, so I hope that doesn't hurt the attendance at all.

So far, hunting down a comic book shop has been the biggest of my worries.  The Villages are insulated from the cares of the world, and I guess the adventures of the Justice League of America don't matter much to the octegenarian set.  I, however, care a lot and I will not be thwarted in my endeavors to get the new issue of JLA.  It's the seventh part of a seven-part story, so you can imagine my distress.

I've only been in Florida for a week or so, and my arms are bronzing nicely.  Maybe I'll slip out when no one is looking and get some color on my legs.  I did bring some swimming trunks.

Yeah, let's scare some old people.  With their bad eyesight, they might mistake me for a polar bear.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY

Southern Man

Southern Man                                                    1104

Monday, June 6, 2005-10:27 A.M.

Good morning, and welcome from Lady Lake, Florida!  The sun is high in the sky, and I'm dying...I guess my blood is still thick from being in the Northeast for the month of May.

The trip to Florida was relatively uneventful, although I have lost lumbar support in my car seat due to wear and tear...the car has 255,000 miles on it, so that's to be expected, I suppose.  I picked up a lumbar cushion at Wal-Mart, and that almost did the trick; what really worked was purchasing a small blanket at a Goodwill store (love the Goodwill stores) which I rolled up and put under the pillow.  My back feels great!  For a while, I was experiencing some lower back pain that was so severe, I figured I'd have to stay in Florida because there's no way I'd be able to drive back.

The gig in Blacksburg, Virginia (home of Virginia Tech) on Wednesday was great.  I worked with a headliner I never worked with before, Miss Gayle from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.  She was really nice and funny, and we had a great time.  I sold my first DVD, which was a thrill, and I got a free pizza.  I do a joke in my act about Domino's Pizza, just a one-liner, but there was a guy in the audience who, as it turns out, is the district manager for the three area Domino's Pizza stores.  He gave me a business card, which was redeemable for a free large pizza.  I ordered up a pepperoni and mushroom, and shared it around with the happy comedy show patrons in the lounge.  It was a nice perk, especially since I hadn't eaten since lunch, and my stomach was barking at me a little bit.

The next night, I worked another college town, Cookeville, Tennessee.  Tennessee is one of my favorite states to work, because it's beautiful, and the people are very friendly.  And it's not that "nice to your face, talk behind your back" kind of friendly.  I worked the Obscure Cafe with Mimi Gonzalez, an Albany, NY area comic who I heard of many times but never worked with.  We had a good show, despite low attendance, and she gave me a tag which I can't wait to use....thanks Mimi!  Check her out at www.mimigonzalez.com.

The trip down to Florida was a bit harrowing...lots of talk on the radio about hurricane season and the like.  I hit five major rain storms, all of which lasted about two minutes each.  Still, it was enough to send cars careening off the road, and send many more to the shoulders with their hazard lights on.  I, however, kept driving, because I wasn't going to let a 12-hour, 600-mile trip get any longer.  Even with the one-hour time difference between Tennessee and Florida, I got in at about 10:30 at night to my dad's house.  We've had a nice weekend together, and actually ran into my mother at a restaurant on Saturday afternoon.  She and my father are recently divorced, and they live about fifteen miles apart now.  My mother and I wound up hanging around on Saturday night and talking about the entertainment business.  She's a singer, and she wants to try and get her career off the ground, so I gave her some tips (not that I know anything) about how to get that to happen.  She has a CD that she's recorded, and while she's no Mariah Carey or Celine Dion, she makes up for that with a lot of enthusiasm.  Desire can take you a long way, sometimes longer than talent does.

I'm looking forward to getting back on stage.  Staying in a retirement community can make your blood settle in your veins, and I'm not much for settling.  I'm headed out to pay some bills, which is difficult because I can't get any money into my checking account without mailing it back home to my bank...I can either send it regular mail and sweat the three days it would take to get there, or bite down on the $14 next-day delivery that the Post Office offers.  I'm going to hunt down Cingular wireless and just pay them cash, and later in the month, I'll probably be able to do the same thing with State Farm for my car and renter's insurance.  Everything else is a problem, so I have to find a way to send money home to my wife.  It's annoying, but it's one of the necessities of working the road.

Last but not least; Newsweek was right and the government was wrong; they lied about flushing the Korna down the toilet, it happened just as Newsweek reported it.  This is a scary situation; if the press is bullied into not reporting the truth, the American people are never going to be truly "free."  I wish the Bush administration was as concerned about Democracy in this country as they were about spreading it in the Middle East.

Question authority, especially now.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY