Running On Empty

Running On Empty

Sunday, March 27th (Easter), 2005-1:16 A.M. (Monday morning)

I got back home today from my mini-tour of Michigan.  Big Rapids turned out to be one show only, and it was very well attended and the crowd was very good.  Afterwards, the restaurant manager treated headliner Jimmy Rascal and myself to dinner, which consisted of grilled pork chops, garlic mashed potatoes and cinnamon apples.  Their hospitality level was very high in Big Rapids; they wanted to please the talent with the free food, free booze, and no-hassle cashing of our paychecks (that's always nice).

By contrast, the Saturday in Cadillac was less than ideal.  Upon check-in, the desk clerk at the hotel portion of McGuire's Resort told me that reservations had not been made for me....I understand that happening, but the comedy show was going to take place under the very same roof...you'd think someone would have mentioned it to the front desk staff...."Oh, by the way, we're having a comedy show with two out-of-town comedians...should we provide them with lodging or let them sleep in their cars?"  Then, the show took place in a little banquet room, and I knew the show was going to suck because there weren't any lights.  They had the room lights dimmed to a nightclub level, but there was no light on stage.  When I see that, I automatically know that the venue has no idea what they're doing.  I talked to the General Manager of the facility earlier in the day when I was trying to check in, and the vibe I got was that comedy was an up-and-down proposition for them, and later I found out why.  Comedy isn't the kind of thing that just happens, like a joyful lunchtime song and dance number by the Fame kids that starts with one kid tapping pencils on the table, and other kids joining in one-by-one.  Comedy has to be orchestrated, from music in the room before the show to provide some sort of ambiance (there was none in Cadillac) to some sort of a greeting at the door, and a seating plan (there was none in Cadillac) to proper sound, lights and staging (I guess we covered this).  Then there was the cashing of our paychecks.  We received them, no problem, from the night desk auditor, but he wouldn't cash them.  After about a ten minute conversation, suddenly the money was available.  I hate being jerked around for no reason, y'know?  And I hate taking checks from comedy clubs, because I'd beenscorched once on a check and I swore to myself "never again."  It's a different story if the bank's open the next morning and I can go cash it there, but on the weekend, everything's closed and all bets are off.  Just shut up and gimme the fuckin' money.

After the show, Jimmy and I went out to find some food (no comped meal in Cadillac....not even an employee discount) and I got pulled over by a cop for doing 37 mph in a 25 mph zone.  After running my license and finding out I'm the cleanest driver in New York, he let me go with a verbal warning, no ticket and no fine.  I am grateful, but in my defense, I was going the same speed as every other car around me, except I was doing it with New York plates in Michigan.

So it took me about eight hours to drive home today, and I made it in time for a nice Easter dinner with my wife's family, which consisted of a nice corned beef and cabbage with all the trimmings.  It occurs to me now that it's not the traditional Easter dinner, I was so hungry it didn't even register that this was more of a St. Patrick's day feast, and I should have been eating ham.  Regardless, my wife's a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian (Thanks, Jules), so whenever a piece of meat gets plunked down in front of me (especially a good corned beef, slow cooked in a crock pot with onions and carrots, etc), I don't ask a lot of questions.

I knew about dinner, so I didn't really eat on the way home.  I didn't want to fill up on fast food garbage, when there was good grub waiting to fill my gullet.  Consequently, I started to feel really tired and weak on my drive home.  Luckily, I found a books-on-tape copy of "The Testament" by John Grisham at the Kent Library that was for sale for two bucks, and that kept me focused on my drive home and made the eight hour trek a little more tolerable.  I'm halfway through the recording, and it's a riveting little tale.  I can't wait to get back on the road to hear how it ends.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY