Already Gone

Already Gone

Thursday, March 31, 2005-9:31 A.M.

I'm off to Spring Lake, Michigan today, and then on to Wisecrackers comedy club at the Raddison in Merrillville, Indiana.  I'm not looking forward to either gig, because Spring Lake is a very rednecky town when it's not tourist season, and while the weather is pretty nice this weekend, it's still not what you'd call tourist season.  The gig in Merrillville is o.k., the hotel is beautiful, but the club is run by a bunch of corporate drones who establish policy in a defacto sort of  way, and the club is really a hospitality afterthought, even though no one staying at the hotel goes to the club, it's all locals.  But if you've seen the movie "Office Space" or read a "Dilbert" comic strip, you know how useless it is to try to explain something to corporate types who already have their minds made up.  Ultimately, I'm happier to be working than not, but the whole reason for getting into comedy is so that it never hurts to go to work.  Today, it hurts.

I have no friends.  My wife was working yesterday, and I was on baby patrol again, and I had a hankering for dinner (real dinner, not something that was handed to me through my car window or something that I cobbled together in the kitchen, although I cobble pretty good) and I couldn't think of one person to call to go with me.  Actually, that's not true....I couldn't think of one person who was in position to go with me.  All my friends are comics, and they were either out of town, working at other money-making endeavors, or ironing out personal problems.  Either way, I came up dry, and wound up taking Harmony shopping, and ate a Burger King meal on the way home.  I'm definitely taking a vacation, just because the food's better than working another week on the road...I subsist on meals behind the wheel way too much than I should, but that's the nature of the beast.  I have a 480 mile drive today, I can't afford to sit down and take a lunch break for fear of not making the gig.

Speaking of not making the gig, I gotta go.  Don't forget to set your clocks forward one hour on Sunday night, and don't look at it as losing an hour, look at it as the blessed arrival of Spring, renewal and rebirth.  By Monday, you won't even notice that you're still tired.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Vacation

Vacation

Tuesday, March 29, 2005-5:49 P.M.

My life has turned itself inside-out with the inclusion of a baby into the mix.  Now it seems that when I go on the road to my never-ending comedy tour (the work days) it's more like a vacation because I'm away from house work, errands, and the constant attention that my daughter needs.  I'm ashamed to say that I don't feel like I have the energy to adequately give her what she deserves...play time to me is letting her scoot all over the bed or letting her examine and chew on whatever favorite toy she has at the moment, and I lay there like an invalid, only moving when she gets dangerously close to falling off onto the floor (too big a drop for lil' baby).  I want to read to her and spend time, but she's at the age where chewing on books is more satisfying than looking at the pictures, so it just drains me.

Yesterday on line at the post office, I was holding Harmony in my arms and I got into a conversation with a young man behind me.  He asked how old Harmony was, and when I told him she had just turned one, he told me he had two daughters of his own, and one more on the way.  I couldn't even imagine!  He also observed that Harmony only had one shoe on, and added "It's probably in the car," which of course, is exactly where it was.  The funny thing is that before going into the post office, I had just put that shoe back on her, but she managed to get it hooked on the child safety seat as I was lifting her out.  Thanks again, velcro.

So today, among my house-husband duties while my wife is working at the Eastman school preparing for the opera, I managed to fill in another week of work for myself this year, with a booking at the Funny Farm comedy club in Broadalbin, NY.  I'm down to ten open weeks, and I think I'm going to take one or more of them off as a vacation.  I haven't really had a week off in about eight years or so, and I think that my wife deserves my time and attention.  I don't know if we should travel somewhere, but I think Pam might enjoy that.  I fiddled with the idea of getting U2 tickets for Toronto or Cleveland and taking her on a weekend excursion, but that would entail leaving the baby at home and imposing on someone for a whole weekend, and I don't think Harmony or mommy and daddy are ready for that, not to mention the caregiver who steps up and volunteers.

In other news, I took my 1996 Toyota Corolla in to Jiffy Lube for an oil change, and was told by the staff that it didn't have any oil in it!  I think the oil reserve must have been low, but that's the benefit of using a full synthetic...you can run the engine low on oil and not be so concerned about blowing the engine.  I splurged on an engine flush, too, and was out in less than half an hour.  You can't be too careful with your car maintenance when you're averaging 1,000 miles a week.  Comedians do so much driving, we should have sponsorship stickers on our cars like the NASCAR drivers....more people would see them than NASCAR, too.

OK, off to play with the baby.  Or take a nap.  Whatever you want to call it.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Running On Empty

Running On Empty

Sunday, March 27th (Easter), 2005-1:16 A.M. (Monday morning)

I got back home today from my mini-tour of Michigan.  Big Rapids turned out to be one show only, and it was very well attended and the crowd was very good.  Afterwards, the restaurant manager treated headliner Jimmy Rascal and myself to dinner, which consisted of grilled pork chops, garlic mashed potatoes and cinnamon apples.  Their hospitality level was very high in Big Rapids; they wanted to please the talent with the free food, free booze, and no-hassle cashing of our paychecks (that's always nice).

By contrast, the Saturday in Cadillac was less than ideal.  Upon check-in, the desk clerk at the hotel portion of McGuire's Resort told me that reservations had not been made for me....I understand that happening, but the comedy show was going to take place under the very same roof...you'd think someone would have mentioned it to the front desk staff...."Oh, by the way, we're having a comedy show with two out-of-town comedians...should we provide them with lodging or let them sleep in their cars?"  Then, the show took place in a little banquet room, and I knew the show was going to suck because there weren't any lights.  They had the room lights dimmed to a nightclub level, but there was no light on stage.  When I see that, I automatically know that the venue has no idea what they're doing.  I talked to the General Manager of the facility earlier in the day when I was trying to check in, and the vibe I got was that comedy was an up-and-down proposition for them, and later I found out why.  Comedy isn't the kind of thing that just happens, like a joyful lunchtime song and dance number by the Fame kids that starts with one kid tapping pencils on the table, and other kids joining in one-by-one.  Comedy has to be orchestrated, from music in the room before the show to provide some sort of ambiance (there was none in Cadillac) to some sort of a greeting at the door, and a seating plan (there was none in Cadillac) to proper sound, lights and staging (I guess we covered this).  Then there was the cashing of our paychecks.  We received them, no problem, from the night desk auditor, but he wouldn't cash them.  After about a ten minute conversation, suddenly the money was available.  I hate being jerked around for no reason, y'know?  And I hate taking checks from comedy clubs, because I'd beenscorched once on a check and I swore to myself "never again."  It's a different story if the bank's open the next morning and I can go cash it there, but on the weekend, everything's closed and all bets are off.  Just shut up and gimme the fuckin' money.

After the show, Jimmy and I went out to find some food (no comped meal in Cadillac....not even an employee discount) and I got pulled over by a cop for doing 37 mph in a 25 mph zone.  After running my license and finding out I'm the cleanest driver in New York, he let me go with a verbal warning, no ticket and no fine.  I am grateful, but in my defense, I was going the same speed as every other car around me, except I was doing it with New York plates in Michigan.

So it took me about eight hours to drive home today, and I made it in time for a nice Easter dinner with my wife's family, which consisted of a nice corned beef and cabbage with all the trimmings.  It occurs to me now that it's not the traditional Easter dinner, I was so hungry it didn't even register that this was more of a St. Patrick's day feast, and I should have been eating ham.  Regardless, my wife's a vegetarian, which pretty much makes me a vegetarian (Thanks, Jules), so whenever a piece of meat gets plunked down in front of me (especially a good corned beef, slow cooked in a crock pot with onions and carrots, etc), I don't ask a lot of questions.

I knew about dinner, so I didn't really eat on the way home.  I didn't want to fill up on fast food garbage, when there was good grub waiting to fill my gullet.  Consequently, I started to feel really tired and weak on my drive home.  Luckily, I found a books-on-tape copy of "The Testament" by John Grisham at the Kent Library that was for sale for two bucks, and that kept me focused on my drive home and made the eight hour trek a little more tolerable.  I'm halfway through the recording, and it's a riveting little tale.  I can't wait to get back on the road to hear how it ends.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Old Man

Old Man

Friday, March 25, 2005-11:55 A.M.

My Comedy Roadtrip finds me in Grand Rapids today, last night was an engagement in Rockford, Michigan at the Crazy Horse Saloon.  I was working with my good friend, Mark Knope (pronounced kuh-NOPE), who happens to be the first headliner I ever worked with for the Funny Business Agency (the company I am working for this week).  We had a great show, there were over 225 people in attendance, and everyone seemed to have a great time.

After a quiet Denny's breakfast after the show, I retired to the Grand Inn for a good night's sleep...I was bushed after only getting about five hours of sleep, having got to bed late preparing for this weekend...packing clothes, printing out driving directions, and stocking up on copies of my CD, Original Gagster.  They only take a couple of minutes each to burn, and a couple of minutes to label, but by then, you're talking an hour of sleep time sacrificed.  I slept right up to my 10 o'clock wake-up call.

I needed a haircut badly this morning, so I tried a hairstylist across the street from the hotel...I was almost up to the door when I saw the sign "Women and Children's hairstyles."  No mention of large Italian men or monkeys.  My second try was a Supercuts in the very next plaza.  That place had a 45 minute wait.  The third time was the charm, though, when I found in the same plaza a barber shop called the Yankee Clipper.  A good, old-fashioned barber shop with old guys talking sports, and the news playing on a color TV that was doing really well with the greens but not too well with the reds or blues.  The kind of set where you turn it off, and there's a white dot in the middle of the screen for about two minutes.  The kind of set that's seen all the Super Bowls, the first moon landing, the inaugaration of at least eight Presidents, and the shooting of two.  I got a good, old-fashioned haircut.  From a girl who was about 22 years old.  Not that I'm complaining,  The two old guys working with her looked competent, but old guys' hands shake, and I like my ears the way they are....not bleeding.  Regardless, I have what I call an "old man" haircut...lots of razor on the sides and short on the top.  Even though my hair grows really, really fast, this one's gonna last 'til the end of Summer.

Tonight, it's off to Big Rapids, but first I must find lunchables.  There's a couple of Chinese buffet restaurants on the same street as the library where I now type this entry, the Kent District Library (www.kdl.org), so I might try one of them out.  I have two shows tonight, and one tomorrow, so this is turning out to be a pretty good week.

Have a very blessed Easter weekend, or Passover if you prefer.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Scenes From An Italian Restaurant

Scenes From An Italian Restaurant

Wednesday, March 23, 2005-2:48 A.M. (Thursday morning)

Tonight I played the beautiful Cucina DiAmore in Liverpool, New York (near Syracuse).  March Madness at the Carrier Dome and lousy weather threatened to cancel our little comedy show, but we pressed on anyways (after rounding up all the guests in the lounge and forcing them into the showroom).  Our host was comedy magician Bob Burr, and there were two guest spots, Jay (Sorry I didn't catch his last name) and Dave Kelly.  Driving home in the snowstorm was the least fun part of the evening...the crowd turned out to be small but appreciative, a combination that is handy in sex and, as luck would have it, comedy.

Tomorrow, a 460 mile drive to Rockford, Michigan awaits me.  Then, the drive to Big Rapids, Michigan and Cadillac, Michigan are only about 45 minutes each the next two days, so even though it's a one-nighter run, it's not complete torture.  Last year, I did a run through Kansas, Arkansas, Iowa and Michigan that lasted five days and took 3,600 miles to complete.  I like to torture myself once a year with a run like that to keep myself honest and to keep from getting "rock-star head."  My ego is big enough without thinking that I'm really something in this comedy business.  My drive home on Sunday is going to be about eight or nine hours, so I'm going to miss Easter, but we didn't have big Easter plans anyway.  I should be home in time for my wife and daughter and I to go out and have a nice dinner somewhere.  We live simply and don't ask much, so the time together out at a restaurant is precious.

On a more somber note, I watched the first 20 minutes of "Saving Private Ryan" last night; I'd never seen the movie, but heard about the opening scenes of the movie and their depiction of the D-Day invasion during World War II.  I have to say that I was moved to tears, and after seeing what America's "Greatest Generation" went through, I am embarassed by the soft, candy-store life I led as a youth, buoyed by the freedom that my Grandfather's contemporaries paid for.  Spielberg did an excellent job visually depicting the horrors of war, and even though I'd read about the invasion in history class in school, nothing brings it to life like actually seeing it on screen.  I watched it while my baby daughter slept, my wife was out of the room checking e-mail on the computer, and I sat in the dark slowly heaving sobs that became so heavy that my chest started to hurt.  What price have I paid for my freedom?  For my country?  I know it's just a movie, but it stirred something within me that I will not be comfortable with until it can be addressed.

The Declaration of Independence declares that we are endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights, and chief among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, but if the right is just endowed, then it doesn't have to be earned.  Liberty has to be earned.

Enjoy your liberty today, and give a little thought to the men and women who laid down their lives to purchase it.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

You Can't Always Get What You Want

You Can't Always Get What You Want

Monday, March 21, 2005-1:47 A.M. (Tuesday morning, really)

Weekend recap of my continuous comedy tour, which I'm thinking of calling the "Feed My Family" tour, because I want a cute name for the tour like the rock stars get.  I performed last night at the Rochester Comix Café with Steve Burr and Ray Salah and it felt good to get on the old stage and really just goof around and have fun.  However, unlike my usual hosting tendency when I used to run the joint, I actually stuck to my time, to the surprise of everyone in the back of the room.  My favorite line of all time germaine to my overtime antics was contributed by one Steve Burr a few years ago when he said, "Remember the time we had to bring in the Sun to give Ralph the light to get him offstage?"  I know I'm mangling the original wording, which was brilliant, and is the perfect roast joke if I ever get a roast.  I've been watching the Jeff Foxworthy roast on Comedy Central and it looks like great fun...I wonder if I could get a roast-type show at the Cafe?  We could do a yearly event for charity, and roast a local celebrity.  Ah, well, I can continue to dream.

Today I went to our pediatrician's office with Pamela and the lovely Harmony Rose.  Harmony had three shots for mumps, rubella and the like, and a blood test for lead poisoning, which I guess is pretty routine.  I love our pediatrician because she had a baby just a few months after we did, so she's very sensitive to our experience, and it's fresh and new to her, rather than just being textbook knowledge and whatever pediatric field work you have to go through to become a doctor.  I hope I didn't just make that sound trivial, but again, I'm saying that Dr. Wirt is really good and makes me feel comfortable when I bring my daughter in for a checkup.

Taco Bell fucked me again...same location as the other night, but this time, I paid for a drink I didn't get because I asked for Diet Pepsi and they were out. The drink didn't get removed from the order, so I got nothing, and paid for it.  Even more annoying than paying for something and having it prepared improperly, I say!  So I threw the horns on them....that's a good Italian curse, also known as the malocchia (mal-AWK-ya), or evil eye, which if applied correctly, will cause someone's lawn to turn black, a boil to appear on their ass, and their business to fail.

Here's to your green lawn, your boil-free ass, and your prosperous business, gentle reader.  Thanks for dropping by.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

 

Still They Ride

Still They Ride

Sunday, March 20, 2005-3:10 A.M.

Just got home from the lovely House of Comedy Club in beautiful Niagara Falls, Ontario. Tonight's show was pretty good, I did 50 minutes with only a slight lull towards the three-quarter mark of my set where I was trying to decide which way to go.  I was kicking myself in the car on the way home because I left out a chunk that I should have opened with (cue the mad scientist music "How could I have been so blind?!?) but that's o.k.  Everyone seemed pleased overall, and they want me back.  It's actually very nice to work and then be able to drive home in less than two hours and sleep in your own bed.

This week coming up I have a long string of one-nighters, starting in Liverpool, New York (near Syracuse) and then three nights in Michigan including Rockford, Michigan (I've performed here a couple of times....I either rock the room or leave them staring...no in-between) and then the towns of Big Rapids and Cadillac, two uncharted territories for yours truly.  I'll make decent money, but it's back to the grind and getting in the car and going.  In some small way, the motion keeps me alive, and I like it, and when I get time off, my body shuts down....I sleep more, get sluggish, and my energy goes to hell.  Still, I wish there were more structure.

I was working this week with a young guy named Ary Van Eyk, a funny guy who I had the chance to pal around with a little bit.  We got to talking about the standup game, and what it has to offer and we bounced some different ideas off of each other.  He's got a friend who is a budding filmmaker, and Ary wants to get some video projects going.  That's kind of what I'd like to do....I have some ideas for projects away from standup comedy that I'd like to work on, two different book ideas, and two different CD ideas, one a kind of "radio theater" type thing with "audio plays," and the other, a spoken-word sort of a thing.  Henry Rollins is one of my heroes, and I love the way that his spoken-word stuff borders on standup comedy, but also is moody and has a point.  I'd like to do some of that sort of thing, I've been writing gonzo poetry for years now, and I play bass guitar, and I'd like to combine those two voices into something organic.  It might be the kind of thing that college radio would embrace, and maybe it would open some doors in the college market.  That would be cool, because colleges pay good money....I know, because when I was in college, I was the guy that paid the comics.  We had Nick Di Paolo and Henry Cho on campus the year that I was involved...it was a great experience being on the activities board as a young comic back in 1989. 

TacoBell screwed up my order tonight.  Insanity is described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results, like going to Taco Bell and thinking "they'll get the order correct tonight" and knowing in your heart that you're an idiot, and your wife is depending on a lovely, vegetarian-friendly seven-layer burrito, and damn if you get it home and it isn't filled with spicy beef, which a seven-layer burrito should never have.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Blue Collar Man

Blue Collar Man

It seems like I just got home, and I'm getting ready to hit the road again, even if it is just for the weekend.  I'll be lighting up the stage at The House of Comedy in Niagara Falls Friday and Saturday night, so if the spirit moves you, come on down!  I'm not sure of my placement on the show...I was supposed to be featuring, but by the looks of the club website, I'm the big cheese on the show.  Not that I'm complaining, but I'm making little cheese money.  This is Show Business, and I have to handle them both myself!

Today was "getting things done" day, and it's nice to have that.  My wife and daughter and I loaded up the Honda Civic and ran a day's worth of errands, topped off by a lovely home-cooked meal with my mother-in-law attending as well.  I like it when she has a chance to sit down and break bread with us...my mother-in-law works in the medical field, and she's always on the run.  She's been quite the Godsend with helping Pam and me raise little Harmony, always there to watch the baby, always there with good advice, and not above sliding a few bucks in there when needed (actually, she's been embarassingly generous....who needs a village to raise a child when you've got Mama Davis?).  Anyhow, pan-seared Tillapia is Pamela's new specialty, and it went down nice with a little rice pilaf and Wegmans mixed greens salad-in-a-bag.  What did we do before Wegmans?  It makes me understand why all those cavemen walked with a stoop.

I'm coming to a crossroads in my understanding of this comedy business.  It's almost as though I know all the things I should be doing to move up the ladder, and I'm consciously choosing not to do them.  At the beginning of the year, I promised myself that I would take a notebook around with me club to club, and ask club managers to write testimonials for me about how valued my act and I were to their club.  Managers who were willing to move me up to closer could express that, and managers who did not feel so strongly could indicate so or beg off.  I missed the first week, and before I knew it, it was the end of February and I decided not to do it.  What's to stop me from doing this in March?  Or starting in April?  Theoretically, I can start anytime I want, right?  Yet somehow, I've decided not to begin this process.  Why?  Am I afraid of success?  Am I worried about what club managers might write, or feelings they might express?  I'm constantly asked back to these clubs, and I have most of my year already booked, so somebody must think I'm OK at this comedy business.  What do I fear?

I promised myself that I would have a website this year.  I have a journal page (you're reading it) and an AOL homepage which is a handy little thing that allows me to update my schedule, but a living, breathing website would be so much better...and I'm dragging my feet.  In my defense, there's a cost issue involved, but it's not insurmountable.  If I had to, I could find the money.  What's slowing me down?

I don't know what I want out of this business.  I do know that I enjoy the travel aspect of the job, getting up on stage and really letting my stuff rip, but I also know that it's a treadmill to nowhere, and I'll burn out sooner or later.  There must be something more, and I really don't know what it is.  Most comics long for their own sitcom, but I don't know...even the best of the best only last ten years or so....is that what I want?  Lately, I've been listening to Al Franken on Air America Radio and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart ...I really like what they do, championing the left, but do I want to pursue political comedy?  I used to do it, years ago, and was somewhat successful with it, but there's also a certain amount of legwork necessary to keep up with the players if you're going to do political commentary, and that sounds like too much of a job to me...I got into standup comedy because it was fun...politics would strip all the fun out of it.

And then there's acting and commercials.  They can be lucrative, but again, you're committed to memorizing scripts, shooting schedules that last hours (the Sprint Long Distance commercial took all day to shoot-10 hours) and that's just too much work for me.  I'm not lazy...when I'm doing something I like, I can stay at it for hours  But in order for me to buy into it, it has to be of my creation...my improv show, for example.  When I'm working out with the Inner Loop Improv Troupe, I can run a four-hour practice and not even notice the time.

Ultimately, I'm a writer....I did that before I ever did standup.  At some point, I thought I might try my hand at writing screenplays, but even though I have a premise that I feel is workable, I'm finding the task to be daunting andodious.  Perhaps I have risen to my level of comfort in this business, just a rat on a wheel, chugging along in pursuit of the cheese.  I hope there's more than this, but I have to answer the question "What do I want?"  I wanted to be on Last Comic Standing, because I thought I would have excelled at the tasks that the comics had to complete, and I thought I would have been great on the package tours that the comics from the show got to do when the show was over, working the auditoriums across the country.  But alas, the show is cancelled and the opportunity has passed.

I will continue to explore this issue.  It is quite a puzzlement.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Play The Game Tonight

Play The Game Tonight

Wednesday, March 16, 2005-2:41 A.M.

 

My good friend Mike Kinnie passed this along, and asked me to spread the word....who am I to deny a request on the eve of St. Patrick's?

 

COMEDY PLAYHOUSE
20 East Castle St., Geneva, NY 13685 (315) 789-PLAY (7529) fax: (315) 646-2616
www.comedyplayhouse-geneva.com



Geneva---The new Comedy Playhouse, 20 East Castle Street in Geneva will be holding its first annual FINGER LAKES COMEDY COMPETITION at the Comedy Playhouse on Thursdays in March, beginning March 3, 2005.  The Finger Lakes Comedy Competition is open to all persons over 18 years of age who are willing to go on stage for 3 minutes to 5 minutes and try to make the audience laugh with their own original comedy material.   Aspiring comedians should sign-up in advance by contacting the Comedy Playhouse box office at (315) 789-7529.

The competition will be Thursday March 3rd, 10th, 17th, 24th and 31st. The winner each week will advance to the finals on Thursday April 7th. Although the audience will help choose the winner each week, the Comedy Playhouse management will be the final judge of the winner.  The comedians will be judged based audience applause and original material.  The winner of the finals will receive $100 and an opportunity to perform a longer set at the Comedy Playhouse in Geneva, and the Lake Ontario Playhouse in Sackets Harbor.  The Comedy Competition begins at 8:30 pm each Thursday night.  The regular comedy show will follow featuring comedians from the National Comedy Circuit.  Tickets are $10 per person and the first 40 people on Thursdays get in for $7 per person.  There is limited availability for the Comedy Competition, so interested parties should sign up by calling in advance Comedy Playhouse box office at (315) 789-7529. The Finger Lakes Comedy Competition is co-sponsored by The Wall 99.3, WINNER 98.5, The Finger Lakes New Network and Coors Light.

The new Comedy Playhouse in Geneva presents Stand-Up Comedy shows every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday all year round.  The Comedy Playhouse also serves drinks and a pub menu before, during and after the show.  The Comedy Playhouse will be serving lunches and dinners soon. For information about the Finger Lakes Comedy Competition or reservations please contact the Comedy Playhouse Box Office at (315) 789-7529 or www.comedyplayhouse-geneva.com.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Taxman

Taxman

Wednesday, March 16, 2005-10:39 P.M.

Today I found out that my services are not needed for the show tonight at The Comix Cafe in Rochester; I'm quite relieved, because I need to get going on filing my federal tax return for 2004.

Taxes are usually a source of stress around our household, because my wife Pamela and I both operate our own businesses and work for ourselves.  Consequently, there are a lot of receipts to be gathered and tallied to provide our deductions against our earned income.  Add to that the new baby, and our tax preparation package this year is going to be quite cumbersome and detailed.  On top of all the work that has to be done, everything in our house is in quite the dissaray because for the last year, we've been distracted by the new needy little human being who jumped out of my wife's belly.  Children require a lot of time that usually goes to keeping one's house organized, so now we have these stacks of newspapers, junk mail, receipts, catalogs, comic books (did I mention I love the comic books?), donation requests from animal rights organizations, and other assorted detritus.  Tax time sucks, and the only reason I've put it off this long is because they let you.

Not to just change the topic of discussion, but I'm going to....someone wrote to me and said, "Hey Ralph, how exactly do you keep your wits about you when driving hundreds and thousands of miles across the country on your whirlwind comedy tour?"  The answer, my children, is the same as it's always been-music.

Now, Ralph Tetta is not your high-powered Hollywood insider, with a fancy sattelite radio system in his car, or even a CD player...I have a tape deck.  I drive a 1996 Toyota Corolla with 240,000 miles on it.  I'm scared to add any new sound equipment to the vehicle because I don't know how long I'm gonna be keeping it, so I roll with the tape deck that was in the car when we bought it.

I've told the story before (I think) about visiting Goodwill stores and buying tapes to listen to in the car, but I have tapes that are part of my core survival kit when I first leave the house.

My hit list:

Love Gets Strange: The Songs Of John Hiatt (John Hiatt is a songwriting genius....this is a collection of songs written by John and recorded by artists such as The Neville Brothers, Emmylou Harris, The Jeff Healey Band and Marshall Crenshaw).

Little Village  (John Hiatt did one album with Ry Cooder, Nick Lowe and Jim Keltner.  Pure heaven!)

Widespread Panic: Light Fuse Get Away (Widespread Panic double live....the miles melt away when this is rolling).

Adrian Belew: Inner Revolution (Adrian is a guitar player who recorded several albums with King Crimson and Nine Inch Nails and also David Bowie...his solo material sounds like what the Beatles would be doing if they were around today).

Dire Straits (1st LP) (Mark Knopfler is great, and this album has "Sultans of Swing" on it; probably one of the top 10 rock songs ever written).

Temple Of The Dog  (The combined forces of Soundgarden and Pearl Jam singing in honor of dead Seattle singer Andrew Wood).

PUBLIC ENEMY -YO! BUM RUSH THE SHOW, IT TAKES A NATION OF MILLIONS TO HOLD US BACK, and FEAR OF A BLACK PLANET  (Everything that is wrong about hip hop and rap today is that this band didn't spawn 1,000 imitators.  Smart lyrics, strong opinions and funk for days.  Will someone please get Chuck D. his own show?  He should be on Air America).

Blue Oyster Cult -CULT CLASSICS (Thinking man's metal and one of the greatest rock bands of the 70's and 80's...."Burning For You," "Don't Fear The Reaper," "ME 262," "Godzilla" and "Harvester Of Eyes" are awesome!)

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN-MTV UNPLUGGED (Bruce is the man!  And this collection is like a greatest hits collection live...my only regret is that it's not 3 hours long like a regular Springsteen concert).

U2 -RATTLE AND HUM (Bono.  Bono.  And Bono.  He'll save the world, if we let him.  And the God I worship isn't short of cash either, mister).

Bruce Dickinson-Skunkworks (After Bruce left Iron Maiden, he put out some damn good solo stuff....this is my favorite).

Iron Maiden -BRAVE NEW WORLD (Three guitarists!!!!  Bruce is back in the band, and it's stronger than cow piss on a flat rock!)

The Song Retains The Name (Indie label can't get their clients arrested, so here's a collection of Zeppelin cover songs.  The bands are nobodies like  Hellen Keller Plaid, The Tent Poles, I Love Ethyl and Rich Hardesty & The Del Reys.  Mad Rover Records, 1988).

Deep Purple -MACHINE HEAD ("Space Truckin'," "Smoke On The Water," "Pictures Of Home," "Maybe I'm A Leo," "Lazy," and more.  If you don't like Deep Purple, you know nothing about classic rock or heavy metal, andI don't want to have anything to do with you).

Cream -THE BEST OF CREAM (Clapton is God.  The End)

Listen and love them.  What are your favorites?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

 

Take The Money And Run

Take The Money And Run

Tuesday, March 15, 2005-12:30 A.M.

Well, it's nice to be home after my 1200 mile, 20 hour drive from Tulsa, Oklahoma.  An overview of the last two weeks at the Rivercenter Comedy Club in San Antonio, Texas  and the Tulsa Comedy Club gives the tour an overall rating of 7 out of 10 points.

The accomodations for both clubs leave a lot to be desired, particularly the cockroach activity in the Tulsa comedy condo.  I understand that I'm not the top rung of the entertainment ladder, but I deserve better than to be lodged in a roach-infested, unclean apartment.  The San Antonio condo was clean but shabby, and very, very small.  A coffin actually has more elbow room.  I dropped the soap in the shower and had to step out into the hallway to pick it up (no lie).

The clubs, however, are excellent, with great crowds and great staffs.....it's a puzzlement that the accomodations are so shabby, you'd think someone would speak up.  Ah well.  At least the money was good.  By my count, I actually made almost double the money I would have made at the northern clubs that I usually play.  I'll probably go back, but I'll do a more exhaustive search for a cheap airfare next time.  And on the condition that the condo is clean when I get to Tulsa.

I came up with a funny line at the bar Saturday night.  They were talking about the south, and someone said, "Don't they still burn books in Mississippi?" and I said "They don't burn books in Mississippi, they burn authors."  It got a good laugh.  I might add it into the set somewhere, just haven't figured out where.

Diet Lime Coke is my new beverage when Diet Peach Snapple Iced Tea cannot be found.  I like it, and I like their new commercial "You put the lime in the Coke, you nut."  It's catchy.  I also like the Chevy commercial with the Yardbirds song "Under Over Sideways Down" in it.  The Yardbirds rock, and if you're not familiar with them, and you're older than eight, catch up, lame-o.  They're awesome.

And while I'm at it, I have to say that I'm really starting to like the Daily Show, but I'm having problems with Samantha Bee and others who interview clueless people and really rake them over the coals.  It's not very brave, and I get very uncomfortable and resentful watching them do it.  You don't make yourself look good by tearing down others, especially thelow.  It's part of a trend that I've noticed where every comic out of Los Angeles is just mean for no reason, and it's the weakest defense mechanism for self-hatred that I've ever seen.  Really, people, you can be funny without hurting people, can't you?  The comedy of ridicule is something you should have gotten over in the seventh grade.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Tulsa Time

Tulsa Time

Thursday, March 10, 2005-12:03 P.M.

Reporting from the Tulsa Comedy Club in Tulsa, Oklahoma; I'm working with the very talented Jim Dalaikis from Australia by way of New York City-he's my partner in crime this week at the comedy club.  I worked with Jim back when he was living in Syracuse and I was the GM of the Comix Cafe in Rochester; it's always nice when you are on the road and get to work with someone you know.

Yesterday and the day before, I hung out with my buddy Steve Burr from Rochester, NY in San Antonio...he came in a day early and we had lunch together and Steve even slept on the floor to save me from destroying my back and then making my eight hour drive to Tulsa.  Steve is one of the good guys in the business and really is doing the work necessary to become successful.  I have a lot of respect for him (plus, he saved me the money of a night's lodging at a hotel, even though I had to hear his incessant bitching about the floor, how drafty it was, etc., etc.).

My first show in Oklahoma was certainly an eye-opener; I went clean, because I thought the people of the Bible Belt would appreciate it, and come to find out, the dirtier material was the material they appreciated more.  Also, they like to interject....not heckle, just have a conversation.  I said something about Canada, and a woman identified herself as a Canadian transplant, but I think she spent enough time in the States to bleed all the Canadian decency and ettiquette out of her.  She was downright rude, and even walked up to the stage to speak to me during the show.  I was taken aback, but luckily the situation didn't escalate.

Just like San Antonio, I'm staying in a comedy condo, an apartment that the club rents out for the convenience of the out-of-town talent, and I'm none too impressed by the repair of the place.  The property itself is quite run down, and my bedroom contains only a bed and a TV stand, minus the TV.  It's the type of place they put you in temporarily before the Witness Relocation Program finds you your permanent residence.  I'm counting the hours until I get to return to my family, who I miss very much. 

On the upside, I sold a mess of my comedy CD's at the club last night, which takes the sting out of the substandard accomodations.  Not all problems can be solved with money, but in this case, it certainly makes the misery a little more tolerable.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY

Ticket To Ride

Ticket To Ride

Monday, March 7, 2005-9:23 P.M.

Reporting from the RiverCenter Comedy Club in San Antonio, Texas-A great weekend of shows, culminating in a soft Sunday set made for a good week here in S.A....I just got done participating in a fundraiser show for St. Cecelia's church here in San Antonio...a good church-going crowd that filled the room, and forced me to "clean up my act."  They seemed to enjoy my set, and I felt really good coming off stage.

Saw "Million Dollar Baby" today...what a downer of a film.  I enjoy Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman, and the film was great, but a tear-jerker is not what I needed to see in a town 2,000 miles away from my family.  But I disdain the screwball comedies that come out these days, so I figured I should at least check out the film that won the Academy awards.  The comedy club has an agreement with the movie theater across the way, so the ticket was free anyway, and I shouldn't complain.  I like this club a lot, and truly can't wait to return.  I take off tomorrow for Tulsa, Oklahoma, and another jaunt on the big winter tour.  I have about an eight hour drive in front of me.  My homeboy Steve Burr is flying in tomorrow afternoon, so I might just stick around and crash with him.

I have chicken fingers and a salad waiting, so that's my cue to end today's journal.  I'll fill in more blanks when time is less pressing.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Keep Pushin'

Keep Pushin'

Saturday, March 5, 2005-3:11 P.M.

Last night the shows at the Rivercenter Comedy Club here in beautiful San Antonio were very good; it's very much a tourist town, and they got a very "safe" show out of me at 8:30, but at the 10:45 show, I asked permission to go into my more risque, deviate sexually oriented material, which they seemed to enjoy.  After the second show, a sketch troupe called "Comedia-a-Go-Go" took the stage, and I had to leave in the middle of their first sketch.  They seemed to hang around much too long without getting to a punchline (there were a couple that I repeated to my wife that I thought were good) but I give them credit for doing a sketch show in the first place...it's something I've never attempted.  I always like improv because if a sketch wasn't doing well, you could just end the excercise and move on to the next one; in the sketch world, you're committed until the end.  That's balls.

Today I did laundry, and it's amazing when you're on the road a couple thousand miles from home, how satisfying something simple like laundry can be.  I have fresh underwear!  Thank you Jesus!  I like the fact that the apartment complex where the Rivercenter Club puts us up has laundry on the premises, some do not...and that's also a weak point in the clubs that use hotels for lodging their out-of-town talent, there is frequently no laundry service to be had.  Lunch today was toasted cheese sandwiches (or grilled cheese, if you prefer....it's the same thing, isn't it?) and some lovely shrimp Ramen noodle soup.  I felt almost civilized.  A brisk walk to the downtown library to check e-mail and post this journal entry is almost like excercise, and I must be doing something right, because last night, I had to drill another hole in my belt...the last one just wasn't doing the trick.  To date, this is the 10th hole I've installed myself after the five that were already in there.  The holes are roughly 1 inch apart, which means I've lost 10 inches off my waist since I bought the belt.  To be fair, I had an untreated thyroid condition when I bought the belt, and weighed a good 50 to 60 pounds more than I do now, but I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.  My weight has to be around 320 where just a couple of years ago, I was at 371.  It's been a slow climb, but little things like eating in moderation, and eating several small meals through the day rather than eating one very big meal just before bed seem to be making a difference.  Of course, when I'm on the road, I always try to get in some mall-walking for good measure.  I don't think excercise has to be torture and sweat, as long as you keep moving.  Once I get down to 250 or so, where I'm not crushing my knees everytime I run, I think I might start doing some aerobic stuff, maybe running or treadmill stuff, but for right now, I feel good, I'm rarely out of breath, and I don't own any clothes that I can't wear because I bulge out of them like a busted package of Pop 'n' Fresh dough.

CD sales were good yesterday, and tonight should be a full boat...I'm expecting good things.  Library is closed tomorrow, so weekend wrap-up update will post on Monday.  Have a great weekend, wherever you are, enjoy everything in moderation, and be good to someone, even if it's only yourself.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Bell Bottom Blues

Bell Bottom Blues

Friday, March 4, 2005-4:34 P.M.

Today hooked up with our M.C. for the weekend, James Ponce for lunch.  San Antonio comics Jay Whitecotton and Christina Lopez attended, and we had a lovely time enjoying Mexican food and talk about the comedy business.  Christina had to go back to her bartending job, then the boys graciously carted me around to a Goodwill store where I purchased some music tapes and a saucepan.  The music tape thing is a little hobby of mine that keeps the road from becoming boring and suicidal; I have a tape deck in my car, a 1996 Toyota Corolla (no CD player), so what I do is bring enough tapes on my road journeys to get me where I have to go, and then I have to go to Goodwill stores to buy music to listen to on the way back.  The benefits are that I am forced to choose from the selection in the Goodwill stores (vs. going to a real music store and buying the same boring stuff) and I only have to pay about 50 cents each for the tapes....if I really don't like them, I can just wing them out of the window.  Today I scored INXS live (didn't even know they had one), Delbert McClinton (excellent), Gin Blossoms and can't remember the fourth one.  I also bought a nice saucepan for the comedy condo....they are a little understocked in the kitchenware department.  I looked at clothes for a little while, but they never have anything my size....thank God....no Brady Bunch shirts in a 3X?  I might lose my mind and actually buy one of those things!

Last night I blanched the crowd a little bit with some of my dirtier material, which is a shame, because I felt they were really enjoying me up to that point.  I will have to adjust for the weekend, as I figure it will be more of the same.

San Antonio is shaping up to be a very good experience, I'm glad I took the gig.

More tomorrow.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Money

Money

Thursday, March 3, 2005-12:31 P.M.

Well, after a 2 1/2 day grueling drive across the eastern half of the United States, I'm in San Antonio, Texas!  The temperature is in the 50's, and the guilt of leaving my wife and baby in the snows of Rochester is preventing me from enjoying it.

The drive down was uneventful, even with snowy, slushy driving through to about Columbus, Ohio.  I took off Monday night, bunked down at the Super 8 hotel in Columbus, and then Tuesday, drove about 14 hours to Texarkana, Texas.  I was happy to be in the Lone Star State and so close to my destination, until I realized that I still had about another 500 miles to go.  Texas is big, baby!  Don't look at the map, it's an optical illusion.  Objects are way farther away than they appear.

Last night, the show was sparsely attended, but the folks there seemed to have had a good time until I brought out the flava, and then they got squeamish.  It's a tourist type town, so I played it like Vegas, light on the language, but not backing away from topicality.  My conspirators on the show are Rich Ramirez from Nueva York, and James Ponce from San Antonio, who I accidentally called Jeff (Sorry, Jeff).

This morning, I argued with a parking lot attendant.  Last night, I parked the car in a lot across the street from the apartments where the comedy club lodges their talent, and the attendant told me it was $7 a day.  I asked him when to come back to pay for the next day's rent, and he said noon.  I arrived at 11:30 to pay, and the attendant (a different guy) told me I was already late because I was supposed to pay at 8:00 AM.  Is it just me, or isn't that what I asked the first guy?  I was preparing to leave to go to the San Antonio Library (where I now type this entry) and he told me when I got back, I'd have to pay another $7 to park for the day.  I told him it was completely unacceptable, and after arguing fruitlessly for about 15 minutes, got in my car and left.  I'll have to find another place to park in downtown San Antonio, which I'm not looking forward to, but I'll be damned if I'll let some minimum wage cretin bend me over because I have no choice in the matter.  It's partially my fault because I started throwing legal terms like "agent" around, basically telling him that if the first guy told me something, he was an agent of the company and his word was a binding oral contract.  I overestimate people all the time, to my chagrin.

On the good side of things, the club has an in-house video system and a great looking stage, so I might get a nice tape out of this week.  Scott, one of the club employees, was glad to volunteer to tape me, and everyone has been awesome, considering I've only been here one day.  I look forward to my week of shows here.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY