The Writer (UFO)

Thursday, May 29, 2009
11:45 P.M.

Just going down memory lane on a rainy, muggy night in Rochester. Ray Salah accompanied me to my last "Dash For Dollars" show of the season down in New Jersey on Wednesday, and for two days, we laughed and talked about the past.

Ray and I have been friends since I met him at Yuk Yuk's Comedy Club in Rochester back in May of 1988. We've been friends for 21 years, played countless shows together, and this summer, we're going to be doing something new, an improv show targeted towards families with children looking for entertainment options for their kids.

After two days in the car talking about all the stuff we've been through, I found a folder full of pictures, including a picture of our friend, Tiny Glover, who passed away last year. I also found folders full of jokes I'd written, hoping at one point to start my own "morning radio joke service" to funnel material at that market. I also found a folder full of poems that I wrote during a time when I was black-balled from the only comedy club in town, Hiccup's, and the only stage time that Ray and I could get was the Pure Kona open mic poetry night at Java Joe's. The black-balling basically occurred because there were two clubs in town, and Hiccup's didn't want me working at the other club, but the other club treated me better so I went with them, and then they went out of business, turning me into a man without a country.

Looking through the joke folder first....wondering what dusty gems lay in waiting....

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David Letterman returned to the Late Show on February 21st after undergoing quintuple bypass surgery. All that work, and they didn't do anything about his teeth.

The TV show ratings leader this week was ABC's "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" UPN is introducing a knock-off of the popular show called "Who Wants To Get Their Heat Turned Back On?"

Magician Doug Henning passed away on February 7th. Six pallbearers carried his casket to the grave site, and then sawed it in half.

Every year on George Washington's birthday, they have a mattress sale. Shouldn't they have it on Bill Clinton's birthday?

Monica Lewinsky's book tour is causing anger all over America. Democrats are mad because she disgraced the President. Her parents are mad because she embarrassed the family. Even her dentist is mad at her because he can't get her to spit.

A women's basketball league is being introduced for fans who can't get enough of the NBA. The WNBA promises the players are just as good as in the NBA, but they wear one more pad.

Wal*Mart is expanding it's presence in Europe, where it is taking over 21 supermarkets in Germany. No word yet on whether or not they're planning a Berlin Wal*Mart.

A ring of Canadian counterfeiters was caught trying to pass phony U.S. bills here in the states. They were caught when it was noticed that the $1 bill featured George Jefferson.

Thousands of Chinese-made condoms were returned to China as defective because an hour after you use them, you're still horny.

Business leaders in Hawaii are trying to stimulate business in the 50th state with a program called "Thumbs Up, Hawaii." New York state has a similar program, except it's not a thumb.

The National Support Group for Bulimia is having their annual fund-raising spaghetti dinner this Saturday. Dinner will be served at 7:00, 7:30, 8:00, 8:30, 9:00, 9:15, 9:20.....

The World Series contest this year will feature the Cleveland Indians and the Atlanta Braves. Tickets are only available through scalpers.

The mayor of Charleston, West Virginia was reprimanded for using city workers to repave his home driveway. He was caught when the crew painted a double yellow stripe down the middle of it.

Hugh Grant is selling the car he picked up prostitute Divine Brown in. He's going to take the money and buy an Escort.

It's a true fact: the first fortune cookie ever was manufactured in the United States. And the first fortune was "Inspected by #5."

A study by the American Medical Association shows that men who masturbate regularly are less likely to develop prostate cancer. But they suffer from a malady called "penis elbow."

The town of Preston, Mississippi has discontinued their recycling program because they're tired of reading the same newspapers over and over again.

A study at Johns Hopkins University shows that the poorest-selling flavored condom is peanut butter. Consumers didn't like it because it sticks to the roof of their mouth.

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Wow. Say what you want, at least I never stopped working.

The poetry was, in a lot of circumstances, standup comedy disguised as poetry. Here's a taste.

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Tradition 5/20/94

"Eat it,"
my buddy said-
the worm at the bottom of the bottle;
"it'll be cool."

So I ate it.
It was bitter
and nasty
and I felt sick instead of cool.

I don't hang around with Larry anymore
and tomorrow I'm writing a letter of complaint
to the Heinz Tomato Ketchup company.

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Well, that's enough for tonight. Maybe I'll share some more next time. I'm off until Thursday when I'll be at the Cleveland Improv, which I'm looking forward to.

Take care, and thanks for reading.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY