White Christmas (Crash Test Dummies)

Monday, December 8, 2008-4:00 P.M.

Wow, it feels like life is a little back to normal.

I'm home from visiting my mother in Florida, and the three days were just full of phone calls, doctor's appointments, trips to the hardware store, and a lot of love, helping my mother mend after her horrific car accident.

Frankly, the details of the accident were grim. The accident occurred at night, and she was struck by two separate vehicles, both on her driver's side door, the first spinning her around so the second could strike her again. I don't know the details, but as I understand it, both vehicles were going at least 55 mph (mom's Jeep Cherokee going much slower as it entered the highway), the impact gave her a concussion, knocked her wig off of her head, knocked her glasses off of her face, and she lost a lot of blood before being taken by helicopter to Orlando Regional Medical Center.

Today, she wears an arm sling to help relieve the pressure on her crushed clavicle (near the collarbone) and she features no other signs of being in an accident at all except for some stitches on the left side of her head, a few inches above the temple.

According to my sister, who had time to investigate the wrecked remains of the Jeep, the floor compartment on the driver's side of the vehicle was crushed to within eight inches in width, and yet Mom has no leg injuries.

My sister went immediately to Florida from her home in North Carolina to be with mom, and when she left, I arrived and stayed for a few days. My brother Christopher relieved me, and stayed until today, when my sister arrives and he'll go back to Syracuse. I'm on the next stay, whenever that may be.

We lost our father almost two years ago. I guess that fresh scar moved us all a little quicker to rush to Mom's side. I was just there a month ago, cooling my heels on a few days off from my college tour, and taking advantage of the rent-free guest room. We always have a good visit, and this was my third time visiting Mom this year. Having the gypsy job that I do offers me more flexibility to make such excursions, and now that I'm in my 40's, I treasure the time with family so much more than I used to when I was a young buck trying to make a name for myself, and now I'm just trying to make a buck, having discovered that my name has limited value.

Mom's name is Linda. But to a generation of comedians working in Rochester, she was always "Mom." When I started doing open mics at Yuk Yuk's in the Olde Rochesterville section of town, mom used to tag along, and to my horror, sit in the front row at open mic night. Then she would talk to every comic that addressed her from the stage, completely obliterating any credibility I would have as a performer. When you're a comic, you're supposed to be this hip, swinging smart-ass, not the guy who's mom is sitting in the front row! But the truth be told, I wasn't hip, I didn't swing, and I was more smart than smart-ass, which doesn't always translate to laughs. I protested, but Mom kept coming out to shows, until she was a staple, a household name among the comics. I just had to get used to it.

My mom loved comedy. For mother's day, I used to give my poor, tired father a break and take Mom to the Yuk Yuk's in Niagara Falls, a 90 minute drive, and we'd see the comedians there on a Sunday night. She loved those shows, and I enjoyed using my connections as a Yuk Yuk's comic to talk my way into the comps.

A bunch of us "new jacks" formed an improv troupe, The Inner Loop. We started doing improv comedy on our own night at Yuk Yuk's, by that time the club had gone independent and was named "Hiccup's." Mom didn't attend many of our shows, but sometimes accompanied us on out-of-town gigs (there weren't many of them) as her schedule allowed. We had posters made up to promote our shows, and after one show, we all autographed one of them and gave it to Mom, and she still has the thing, along with one of our group headshots....we changed personnel so many times, I can't tell you what version of the group it was, but the headshot is framed and sitting on her dresser.

The group has long since been scattered to the four winds (our one long-standing gig, the First Night celebration in Binghamton, NY passed us over this year, probably because they'd had us four years in a row and needed some variety) but they live forever at my mom's house, on the dresser and on the wall.

Well, as the situation would turn out, Mom has let some of her finances get away from her in the past couple of years, and my sister and brother and I have used much of the time with her to "untangle the Christmas lights." I wonder sometimes, if this non-fatal (yet scary, violent and jarring) car accident wasn't God intervening and saying to the three of us "your mother needs help, get down to Florida!" I believe in God and believe that when terrible things happen to people, they happen for a distinct reason. It's like the story of Lazarus in the Bible; Lazarus was sick and everyone called Jesus to go and help his friend, but Jesus dilly-dallied for a few days and when he got there, Lazarus was dead. Jesus then performed on of the miracles, raising Lazarus from the dead, as if to say "your request of me is so small; you ask me to heal the sick, when I am willing and able to raise the dead for you." Jesus let a terrible thing happen to reaffirm his love (and power) to the people that trusted him. I guess God could have just reached my brother and sister and I in a different way, but this car accident was his way of ringing the bell. It certainly got our attention, and we've all gone to visit and started the heavy lifting of getting mom back on track. (The story of Lazarus is in John 11:1-45 if you're interested in reading the story).

So, I made it back to Rochester in time to fulfill my weekend obligations, a Friday morning appointment and a Friday night show in Pennellville, NY with Steve Natarelli and Annette Lorenzo that was just smashing. We were working at Monirae's in Pennellville, which is just outside of Syracuse, NY. It was a bitter cold night, but we had a good crowd and they turned out to be a lively bunch. I was headlining and early in my set, addressed a heckler that wound up being the owner. I went deep into him, prompting one of the servers to ask me to stop talking about her parents having sex...the two servers were the owners' daughters, and that lead to a whole other line of comedy. I had a great time, sold a good number of souvenir CD's after the show, and look forward to my next booking with Danny Liberto and The Comedy Company (http://www.noclowns.com/), a New Year's Eve show in Corning, New York.

Saturday, I was the entertainment for a holiday office party for Hospitality Restaurant Group, the owners and operators of the Taco Bell/Pizza Hut/Kentucky Fried Chicken Restaurants in Upstate New York. I had a great time, even with a small sound system problem (the people in the back couldn't hear me) that was corrected by Johnny-on-the-spot DJ Steven Turner. I had requested a long, corded microphone because I do some bits with the microphone cord, but the room was set up the long way, so the cordless mic that Steven provided was more appropriate. I set them up with some "canned" material, and then went into the stuff they really liked....going through the audience and improvising material with them. Without going into too much detail, it was a great experience, the big boss seemed delighted. Anyhow, Steven was the guy who recommended me to the group in the first place, having seen me do my thing at another event, and turnabout is fair play, so if you're interested in a top-notch DJ, a real craftsman who doesn't just come in and spin tunes but someone who really controls the mood and tempo of an event, Steven Turner at Turner Music Productions is your guy. The website is http://www.tmpdj.com/ or call him at 585-663-3948. His website features audio samples of his work as well as an avalanche of testimonial letters from happy clients.

I took Sunday off to decompress and slept like I never slept before. My mother-in-law was watching my daughter and my wife was off at a craft show, so I was able to sleep into the afternoon. After being non-stop go for ten days, I needed the break. I resisted the temptation to watch the Buffalo Bills play their game in Toronto (that I *knew* they were going to lose) and instead, picked my daughter up and took her shopping and out to lunch and spent some good "daddy" time with her. I figure after being away from home so much, she deserved my undivided attention, and we had a good time. We even went to Taco Bell and had a nice lunch....Harmony's a sucker for the beans!

This week, it's a long week off to try and get the house back in order, and Saturday I'm working a Christmas party up in the North Country of New York...in the town of Massena, where I've played a few times before in my 20-year career. I don't know the name of the group or the showtime or any of the details because I'm waiting on the itinerary from the booker, but it's a full week away and I'm not gonna sweat it until Thursday....that leaves only one more business day to reasonably get in touch with the booker, who is also a comic, and they will probably be on the road and hard to reach after Thursday.

So in the meantime, it's drag out the tree, put up the garland, light the candles, do the dishes, all that good holiday stuff, and start getting into the spirit of the season!

Here's hoping that you don't have to be prodded by a catastrophe to visit your loved ones, or reach out and contact them. Cherish them while you have them, especially this time of year.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY