For The Movies

For The Movies                           8176  (1396)

Friday, June 29, 2007-8:00 A.M.

Where does the time go?

I'm in Fort Myers, Florida, at the beautiful Crowne Plaza hotel, my home-away-from-home provided me by the Laugh In Comedy Cafe.  Just thought I'd pop a little update in before my radio call-in to WCMF back home in Rochester.

Sunday at Howl At The Moon in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, was great, I worked with Kris Shaw from Indianapolis, Indiana, who I'd communicated with online but never worked with before.  The Howl crowd was packed, and there was a youngster named Dennis Hooten who got up and warmed up the crowd before I took the stage.  He had only been on stage twice before, so he was as new as new could be, but he did a fine job.  I had an above-average show, pumped up from the events of the day which I will not go in to, but I will only say check the paper supply before you do anything in a McDonald's bathroom, and what am I going to do with my one remaining white tube sock?  I promised myself I wouldn't tell this story, but I opened with it on stage at Howl, so I guess I'm not keeping any secrets here.

My last few days with my mother were good, I helped her paint a cabinet that she'd had the supplies for but kept putting off (over a year, by the date on the receipt in the bag with the brushes, stir sticks, etc.) and on Wednesday, I went and saw the Fantastic Four movie with a friend of my mom's who also collects comics and wanted to see it.  It wasn't great, but it was better than the first film.  I gave it a 7, whereas I gave the first film a 4.  If you really want my full review, write me and I'll break it down.

Packing was a bummer, and I got on the road yesterday bright 'n' early, but a 4-hour car ride turned into almost 6 courtesy of an accident on I-75 that sent me detoured to the west.  Also, Fort Myers is currently on fire, actually, Cape Coral, Florida to our Northwest, and that has traffic diverted in places.  Fun, fun fun!

I wound up headlining the Laugh In last night as the headliner wasn't scheduled to come in until today...must be nice being a big star.  His name is Al Romero, and I've never met him but heard good things.  Anyway, I rocked out a 40-minute set and got a good response....the manager of the club actually asked me how much time I had....I do 40 when I'm supposed to do 30 all the time!  Not that that's a good thing....

Today I'm probably going to catch the Michael Moore film "Sicko."  There's a movie theater in the same plaza as the hotel I'm staying in, so it's a short walk.  That ought to get me fired up, I think....the movie *and* the walk.

Two more days and I hit the trail to head home, and I would be lying if I said I'm not dreading the 1,500 mile drive, which I'll split up into two days worth, but I would also be lying if I said I'm not looking forward to seeing Pam and Harmony again after a long month away.  Also, I'm looking forward to a full week of headlining at my home club, where I'm going to be taping my first full-length CD, "Tetta-fensive."  I'm pretty excited about that.

I'll check in again before the weekend's up.  Have a good one!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Army

Army                                         8133  (1353)

Sunday, June 24, 2007-9:10 A.M.

Well, the gig I worried about all week has come and gone, two shows in Palm Harbor, Florida at the Comedy Zone.  I did a radio call-in on Thursday and got the news that the club was cutting down to one show a night (not good) and was in a new location (not good) because the old place was in bad repair and the landlord wouldn't fix the roof which leaked and Florida is in their rainy hurricane season (not good).  I was worried that we weren't going to have very good shows, and I was going to be sent away with a check instead of cash, and as I sent all my money home to Pamela so she could maintain our household, I would be strapped for cash to get to my next job.  Happily, the shows were decent, I moved some product and the club paid me half in cash, half in a check.  It turned out not to be such a nightmare after all.

I'm up early for the longest drive of the tour so far, a 6 1/2 hour drive to Fort Walton Beach, home of Howl At The Moon (the dueling piano bar) and home of Fort Walton Beach's Comedy Zone.  I'm not sure I remember correctly, but I think it's far enough up the panhandle that I actually pick up an hour, but I'm not taking any chances and hitting the road early.  Howl is a pretty good gig, well attended and a lot of fun, it's just so damn far off the beaten path I was a little reluctant to do it, but I'll net some cash after the gas cost, and it's another chance on stage, so what the hell.

I woke up with an interesting memory, and had to go back in my journal to see if I had mentioned it, and I saw that I hadn't and I feel like I wanted to share this.  At the start of the tour, I did the Comedy Zone's gig in Columbus, Georgia.  Columbus is an Army town, the home of Fort Benning, and when I checked into the hotel, I noticed that a large number of the guests were from someplace else, and I couldn't place their language or tell by their physical attributes where they might be from.  Honestly, they could have been Middle Eastern, Greek or some kind of Eastern European.

Anyhow, they were nice enough, and at night, they were outside cooking on a charcoal grill and drinking beer inthe hotel parking lot, so they were all right by me.  When I checked out of the hotel the next morning, I was heading toward the elevator with my many bags of crap, including a large black duffle bag that has seen better days, slung over my shoulder.  An older man, part of the foreign group said to me, "Are you ready to go?"  At first I thought he might be a member of the housekeeping staff asking me if I was ready to check out, then I thought no, he's a guest, maybe he thinks I'm part of his group.  I told him I was heading for the elevator, and he says, "No, are you ready to go to Iraq?"

Now, I don't know what the physical specifications are for the military in his country, whichever that is, but I'm pretty sure I'd be rejected as 4F in any country that knows what a Body Mass Index is.  I guess I must have thrown him off with the duffel bag and fresh haircut which made him think, "A-ha, MILITARY!"  Anyway, that was a funny little happenstance that I wanted to pass along.  My touring life isn't exactly chock-full of stories, so I appreciate them when they come along.

I can't wait to get home, but I have another nine days and I feel like they'll pass pretty quickly.  I'll keep you posted.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Bittersweet

Bittersweet                    8118  (1338)

Friday, June 22, 2007-1:00 P.M.

Rapidly reaching the end of my annual Florida comedy tour, I picked up another show; Sunday night in Fort Walton Beach, Florida at Howl At The Moon.

It's not a big dollar gig and it's probably out of my way, but after five days off, I've gotten restless.  Comedy Zone was happy to oblige, and on short notice, I was probably the answer to a few headaches when I said "yes."

So yesterday I continued on with the business of being a working comic; talking on the phone, mostly to folks about the demise of the Buffalo Comix Cafe, which went out of business after almost 20 years of bringing the funny to the Queen City.  I did a radio interview by phone to promote the gig in Palm Harbor, Florida, tonight and tomorrow.  I fretted about it all day, and it turned out to be really nothing, about five minutes of shtick and the jocks were really nice about it, setting me up and letting me prattle on.

Afterwards, my mother and I went out and met some friends and I took a night off from being a comic to do KARAOKE!  We met her friend Rick and his mother, and another lady named Betty, and they all live in the Mid Florida Lakes community where my mom is.

Now, my mom is an above-average singer, but she likes to do the bluesy, Rosemary Clooney stuff, which is cool; I like to do the type of songs that we called "Oh Wow" selections when I worked in radio...songs a lot of people know but haven't heard in a while.

They were running a contest at this particular bar, and I submitted a song to sing, just to sing, not to be in the contest.  They put me on after the last contestant as a buffer because they were going to ask all the contestants to sing another song.  I did a song by Big Head Todd and the Monsters called "Bittersweet," a poppy ballad from a band who's glory days have pretty much come and gone with the H.O.R.D.E. tour and the time when bands like Blues Traveller and the Spin Doctors roamed the earth.  I'd never sung the song before, but I like to stretch when I do karaoke, and I thought the song would go over pretty well with the group that had so far been leaning VERY country.

So I got up on the mike and started talking to the crowd, explaining that I'd never sung the song before and asking them for their patience, and the jock asked me if I was a D.J. and I explained that no, I was a comedian and I had a night off from the tour.  She seemed to hint that she might have work for me this weekend, but I explained that the tour picked up again and that I wasn't available, but thank you.  I think the lesson to be learned here is that you should always try to get out and get some kind of stage time somewhere, especially on your nights off, because you can never be sure what might come of it.

So I sang the song, and I missed a couple of the high notes and I went back and forth with my mom and her friends at our table in the back of the room, and sang as best I could, and probably scored maybe a 7 on a 10 scale....not my best, but pretty much better than anyone who saing that evening.  Next thing I know, the D.J. and her partner have entered me in the contest, and they want me to sing another song, too, but I explain that I'm just visiting and really wouldn't be around for their finals so it made no sense to participate.  There was a $500 cash prize to be had, so I was disappointed, but flattered that they enjoyed my performance.

So the four contestants went back up and sang, and honestly, most of them were just horrible...one older woman sang "8 Days A Week" and it sounded so bad, I turned to my mother and said "The last time the Beatles sounded that bad, one of them was getting shot outside his apartment building."  It was really awful.  Betty sang "My Way," and she really brought it home for a lady who just turned 80 years old.

I got called back to the stage, and I sang an old favorite of mine, "We Just Disagree" by Dave Mason.  I'd sung the song before, it's pretty easy and within range, and I sing it in my voice instead of trying to do an impression of Dave Mason.  It's a good song, and it really seemed to strike a chord in the room, because I saw a lot of smiling faces and at least a couple of folks were singing along.  It was pretty neat.

After a little happy chat about incorporating music into my standup routine, we broke camp and headed home.  I enjoyed the night off, but mostly I think I enjoyed the attention after five days without it, and I see myself a little more clearly now in what I need and why I do what I do.

So I peddle off to Palm Harbor in a little while, it's a very short trip today, about two hours in the car and then Sunday will be the nut-buster getting up to Fort Walton up on the panhandle, but I'll be happy to get on stage again.

Have a great weekend, and keep doing what you love because the money will follow!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Cats In The Cradle

Cats In The Cradle                                                 8076  (1296)

Sunday, August 17, 2007-11:10 A.M.

Wrapping up the weekend here at the Comedy Zone in Jacksonville, Florida.

Well, it's Sunday, and I've turned back into a pumpkin.  After a fabulous week at the Jacksonville Comedy Zone, I'm getting ready to shower up and head back to Leesburg to spend the better part of the week with my mom before I head to Palm Harbor, Florida and week four of my Summer in Florida tour.

It was a great week and I had a phenomenal time with all of the local comics and staff here in Jacksonville.  There's a bar next door called the Monkey's Uncle that seems to be the defacto dumping ground for comics and friends who aren't willing to call it a night after the Zone closes up for the evening.  I'm not a drinker, so I had an O'Doul's or two, and one night, they actually coaxed me into having a shot of Jim Beam (the glorious amber proof that God loves us as his children).

Thursday, I had dinner with Erica Simon, who used to work with me at the Comix Cafe in Rochester.  We hung out, shared pictures and talked about the old gang, who we kept up with and what they were doing lately.  She came out with a bunch of folks on the late show Saturday and afterwards, we all headed to the Ale House to rabble rouse until they threw us out at closing time (exactly one O'Doul's and a Diet Coke later).

On Saturday, I sat in on the comedy workshop hosted by Fred Pozin, the General Manager of the Comedy Zone, and a really nice, laid back guy.  I was invited by Billy B., our mc for the week, to come down and check it out, and I have a background in teaching standup comedy so I printed out copies of my class notes and brought them to the workshop.  Fred got ahold of one of the copies, about a 14-page booklet, and after skimming through it, asked me if I wouldn't mind doing a presentation.  Well, I thought he'd never ask!  I talked about 20 minutes and then answered questions for another 40, and then hung out as the fledgling comics took the stage and did their thing, but I only had time to see the first five, because I had other pressing matters to attend;comic books.

I found a comic book shop here in Jacksonville and they had back issues of Teen Titans Go!, a kid's title that my niece and nephew have taken a liking to.  Usually comic books shops will take back issues and mark them up significantly, because as a book gets older, it becomes harder to find.  This particular shop only marked the books up a quarter each, and that covered the price of the backer board and plastic bag they were in, so they were basically going at cover price.  I had merchandise money from the night before, so I took a drive and scarfed up the issues and I'll get them in the mail for the kids on Monday.  It's a little thing that I do to let my brother's kids know that I love them, even if I don't get to see them as often as I'd like.  When I was younger, my family wasn't close with my Mom's brother and his family, and while I'd met my cousins, we haven't seen each other in 30 years, and I regret that.  I don't want my niece and nephew to be denied the company of their aunt and uncle and cousin, and in lieu of that, I guess the comics are my way of "keeping in touch."

When I got back to the hotel after spending time with Erica and her Jacksonville friends, I got a nice message on my room phone from Fred, thanking me for coming to Jacksonville and offering praise on my performance this weekend.  I think that he may pitch me to come in and close a split week, one of those weeks where they get a "big name" headliner who only performs Friday and Saturday, and they need a comic to close the other nights, Tuesday through Thursday.  This seems to be the industry standard, and I'm certainly up to the task, and I need another pinch because it's just the next nice thing that's happened in a month that's going so well, I feel like I'm dreaming.

Yesterday's only downer was talking to my daughter, Harmony, on the phone and having her say in her little, three-year-old girl voice "I want you to come home!" and then trying to explain that I was almost done working and I'd be coming home in a few days (actually a couple of weeks), and then having her say, "But I want you to COME HOME!"  Well, Happy Father's Day to me, because that just about broke my heart.

Yeah, it's all ice cream and lollipops when I'm on stage, making the people laugh, and then afterwards, basking in the glow of their love and appreciation, signing autographs as they take their souvenir CD's and DVD's homewith them, but hardly anyone knows the pain that drives a road comic, the separation from family, the hotel rooms that all look the same, waking up and not remembering what city you're in, and the long, long, long drive home.

I'm coming home, sweetie, in a couple of weeks.  And you know we'll have a good time then.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Wild Thing

Wild Thing                      8057  (1277)

Thursday, June 14, 2007-12:00 P.M.

I've got a full head of steam going now, people, if you'll forgive me the atrociously shopworn metaphor.

My prospecting for comedy work has yielded even more fruit today, as I nailed down a weekend's worth of work in the Garden State, glorious New Jersey, USA.

I've never worked New Jersey, and never tried, either, figuring that comics from New York City and Philadelphia must have all of the gigs nailed down, not to mention my funny friends who actually reside in the land of Bruce Springsteen, Bon Jovi, and that Governor who told everyone he was gay at a press conference before he told his wife.

I'm working a club called Uncle Vinnie's in Point Pleasant, just a short drive down the coast from Asbury Park.  I'm headlining two shows, one on Friday November 9th, and one on Saturday, November 10th.  I don't have the details yet, but details are to be had here (NJ Comedy Club - Uncle Vinnie's Comedy Club at Ferrara's Ristorante) and if the site you're viewing doesn't allow the hyperlink, the URL is http://www.unclevinniescomedyclub.com/ and I really need to learn how to post this sort of thing; pictures, too.

So I'm fulfilling a few comedy dreams here...I'm finally being recognized as a comic who can be trusted to close a show, I'm working New Jersey which I've never worked before, and I'm closer to my goal of performing in all 50 states.  Plus I'm making a little bit more money than usual, and I'm working closer to home.  Things are on the ups, and I couldn't be more giddy.

This week, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida, featuring for Jimmy Shubert ( The Official Website of Comedian, Jimmy Shubert ) at the Comedy Zone in the Ramada Inn.  Now, this is quite an amazing thing for me, because I saw Jimmy Shubert on the Sam Kinison Outlaws of Comedy Tour way back in the late 80's, and I had just started doing comedy at that point and came out of the show so mesmerized that I was sure I would do comedy the rest of my life.  Well, here I am, the rest of my life later, and I'm sharing the stage with Jimmy and he's been nothing but nice to me, complimenting my work and I'm so infused with energy and I'm falling in love with being a comic again.

My act has always ranged from edgy to blue, and working with Jimmy, it's almost like the perfect compliment.  Just when I thought I couldn't push the envelope any more, Jimmy ups the ante and leaves the room gasping for breath, they're laughing so hard.  Jacksonville's a little rednecky, but for the most part, they're digging the show.  It's a great week so far.

I've got another show tonight, one tomorrow, and then two on Saturday.  This is a pretty long week for me, but the pay is good, the hotel is excellent, and the perks are great, too.  There's a complimentary hot breakfast buffet in the morning and a great dinner buffet at night, and at check-in, they gave us gift cards to use at the restaurant, and there's a 25% break on dinner for the comics to begin with.  Except for tips, I haven't had to dig into my pocket once.  The club is right in the Ramada Inn, so I walk to the show and back home, and one of these afternoons, I'm going to use the pool or the workout room.

O.K., I gotta go back to living the dream.  Catch ya later.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Don't Stop Believin'

Don't Stop Believin'                                   8033  (1253)

The common thread that all volumes of self-help or success literature I've read contain is boiled down into the Nike slogan "Just Do It."

I came to this epiphany in the bargain barn of the Goodwill store in Englewood, Florida, this past weekend, hanging around with my buddy Ricky Kingston.  More on this later.

Ricky started out in comedy around the same time as I did, back in the late 80's when we were in our 20's and full of starry-eyed comedy dreams.  Now we're both long in the tooth and I'm living the road comic's dream and Ricky is self-employed, pursuing various fields such as graphic arts and a new endeavor, a cat shelter (www.puffypawskittyhaven.com).  Our common bond is that we realized a long time ago that we couldn't work for anyone else, and that we had to be the captains of our fate(s).

I was working this weekend in Port Charlotte, Florida, a stone's throw (if you have a surface-to-air missile to throw the stone) from Tampa.  Englewood is just up the road a bit, and it allowed me to visit my friend and also for him to come out and support me for the Friday late show.

Even though Rick has refocused his energies away from standup comedy, he's still quite the funny guy and he even wrote a few lines in my act.  Friday night, I spent a lot of time working with the audience and didn't get a chance to do the bit, even though the author was in the room.  Ricky, I publicly apologize; I was "in the moment" and wandered away from my script.

The Comedy Zone in Port Charlotte is located in an Italian restaurant called Visani, which looks like two Guineas built a castle in a swamp.  The club is beautiful, though, and the early shows were well-attended, and even the late shows, though sparse, didn't suck at all.  The food is as fresh as you could possibly imagine, and the proprietors, Mark and Sela Asciutto, are as hospitable as they could have been, buying dinner for the comics each night and being just the nicest people in the world.  Their staff are also very nice, and being as the club is only about a year old, I expect thatit will only be a matter of time before they become jaded comedy club veterans and start telling the comics to get the hell out of their face.  Actually, I couldn't imagine that happening, and I hope it doesn't....they are all such very nice people.

I worked with headliner Ken Evans, himself a very nice man and a good comic to share the bill with.  The club preferred that we keep the shows to the cleaner side, respective to language, at least for the early shows, and Ken and I obliged, and even though I'd never seen him before, I could tell where he was editing, just as I'm sure he could tell where I was editing.  The average age of the club patrons was in the 50's or 60's, and they all seemed to enjoy us regardless, so who cares if the occasional line came out clunky?

So anyway, Ricky knows that I sell books online as a hobby, and he took me to the Goodwill in Englewood, where we visited their "bargain barn," a place where merchandise was being cleared out at rock bottom prices.  I bought about 10 dollars worth of books, which I've started reselling on the internet, and I've already doubled that amount in just a few sales.  Ricky was pointing out some self-help literature and he asked me if that sort of thing sold very well .  I replied that no, it didn't, and that my opinion was that all self-help literature basically said the same thing; keep going after your goal until you get it.  Ignore the people who say no, ignore the failures, just keep trying.  There wouldn't be much of a market for success literature if everyone knew that simple truth and internalized it.

Case in point, yours truly...I would be much more successful in my standup comedy endeavors if I asked enough booking agents to headline me instead of just being satisfied with feature money, which is usually about half.  I don't usually ask to close because I'm not interested in hearing the answer "No."  I also don't want a booker to stop offering me feature work because they think I won't be satisfied unless I'm headlining.  It's that old saying that half a loaf is better than no bread at all.

Well, my fears have been getting in the way long enough, and today, I asked a booker point-blank that I wanted to close, and I named a specific club that I did very well at last year.  To my surprise, he started rifling off dates that were available, and said in fact, yes, he would be happy to close me in that room.

Now, before you get the ticker-tape parade going for me, I must include the fact that none of the dates worked for me in my routing, and I wasn't able to take the work.  But the simple fact that I asked to close and the booker said "Yes" was enough to boost my confidence so that the next booker I happen to speak with is going to be dealing with a very different Ralph Tetta.  I'm ready to close, I do close for a small amount of bookers, and I'm going to start taking an active role in moving up.

Now, am I going to say no to feature work if it's offered in the future?  Absolutely not, at least until I tip the scales from mostly featuring to mostly headlining, at which point I'll be very selective about the middle work that I take, whether it be a club that I particularly like, an engagement that's very close to home, or warming up for a big name headliner.

I didn't put any work on the books today, but I got a "yes."  And that's worth a lot more than a week of work, I can tell you.

I did take advantage of my red-hot streak, though, and got a few good leads for some of the final open weeks in my summer.  If the week in August finally gets filled, then I'm looking at November before I have any more open weeks to consider, and that's a very good feeling.  If I may offer another lesson to any fledgling comic who wishes to take heed, when you call a booker, ask them for one very specific thing, and most of the time, they'll give it to you just to be able to get you off the phone quickly.  Bookers deal with hundreds of comics, all calling them looking for work, and if you can make their job as simple as possible, they will appreciate it and reward you with the booking you ask for.  I was able to do this last week very effectively by asking for a specific club date, and nailed it down for December, the week before Christmas.  I was very pleased at how well my system is working.

As I draw this blog to a close, I wish you well, my reader and friend, and remind you that your goals are only as close as your grasp.  If you want something, keep reaching and eventually you will get it.  But if you decide that it's just too difficult, and stop reaching, you will guarantee that you will always draw back an empty hand.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Everybody Wants To Rule The World

Everybody Wants To Rule The World                        7983  (1203)

Wednesday, June 6, 2007-10:30 P.M.

Well, it's Day 9 of my Florida tour and Day 6 of my time off until my next engagement.  I've been staying with my mother in the exotic Mid Florida Lakes community here in Leesburg, Florida, and when I say exotic, it's only because the local animals may take it upon themselves to join you in your house.  Just a couple of hours ago, I was heading to the bathroom to enjoy a magazine (*coff* *coff*) and a gecko lizard scurried up the wall and ran behind a shelving unit.  Let me be the first to say he didn't necessarily scare the crap out of me, but wouldn't that have been apropos?

Keeping up on current events has been dificult down here, as my mother doesn't see the need for television or newspapers; she's never been what you call a new junkie, and I always have been.  You can't even get local channels down here on the TV with an antennae, because the houses all have metal frames and it interferes with the broadcast signal....I found that out the hard way, after purchasing the equipment and attempting to hook it up.  Consequently, I missed both the Democratic and Republican debates of the past week, and had to piece things together after the fact by reading the Huffington Post, which isn't the way I prefer to get my hard news.

One thing I can say for certain, it seems that regardless of what side of the aisle you're on, there isn't a man, woman or child in the United States outside of Crawford, Texas or Kennebunkport, Maine, who can't wait for George W. to take that last walk to Air Force One.  The Republicans have been going out of their way to criticize the President, and the Democrats are playing the "I Told You So" game.  Both are very entertaining to me, but I want red meat and not just bread....I'm waiting for the dust to settle and for two clear candidates to start revving up against each other in the final battle for the Oval Office.

I don't know what to think about Hillary Clinton.  She seems to have the fundraising behind her, but I also don't think she's electable.  Conservatives who hated Bill certainly won't rally around her, and I think she basically wants to be President way too much.  I don't know if I trust anyone who wants it that badly.  Could she be President?  I wouldn't be against it, because I like her stance on children's issues and the importance of domestic issues, and I like the idea that Bill would be there as a resource (Ambassador Clinton?  Secretary of State?) and you don't get better than a two-term Presidential success story like that.  Still, I don't think any voters south of Virginia would be willing to take a chance on her. 

I won't even talk about Barack Obama because I don't know all that much about him.  I know he writes a nice book, and speaks from his heart, but he says the things that people don't want to hear, even if it's for their own good.  He has everything in the package to be a black John F. Kennedy, except for the privileged background.  I really want to know what America thinks about the idea of a black man leading our nation....we can't get three black head coaches in the NFL, what are the chances of us getting a black President?

No one's talking about Bill Richardson, Governor of New Mexico.  He's Hispanic, well-versed in foreign policy, and he would probably be spot-on in the areas of immigration and the Iraq war.  As such, he's probably over-qualified for the job.  Every time I've heard him speak, he's been amiable, friendly and down-to-earth.  I would like to see him win the nomination just to see 45 million Hispanic-Americans come out of the woodwork and vote and defeat the Republican candidate by a Reagan-esque landslide.

John Edwards is shaping up to be a non-entity in the race.  I don't think you come off a losing ticket and all of a sudden become a player in the race again.  His strategy right now is to be everyone's second choice, which means he's basically abdicated to Hillary and Obama.  How about we have a candidate who is at least *someone's* first choice?

Joe Biden is a little long in the tooth and he comes from Delaware, not really a hotbed of influence....he's probably too "Northern" to have a chance, anyway.  Dennis Kucinich, Chris Dodd and Mike Gravel have about a Sharpton's chance of lasting until this time three months from now, so watch them shrivel as the funds dry up.

Will Al Gore run?  It's the question everyone's asking, and you have to just look at the smile on the man's face that he's not in the middle of a White House shitstorm anymore, and ask yourself, "Does he even *want* to?"

On the Republican side, Rudy Giuliani is running six years too late.  He was America's mayor, and now he's a moderate trying to play games with the Conservative party.  I truly wonder if the party core voters will tolerate a pro-choice candidate?  The good news is that he's way more popular than the next candidate, former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who won't get elected because he's a Mormon.  John McCain's so dried up, there's more juice in Ted Kennedy's tie.

The Republicans also have such awe-inspiring names as Chuck Hagel, Jim Gilmore, Sam Brownback (sorry, some pee just exited my body), Ron Paul, Tom Tancredo, Tommy Thompson, Duncan Hunter and Mike Huckabee.  But seriously, do any of them have a real chance?  That actor guy might be interesting to mix things up a little bit, but I don't know if I've ever heard of an actor running for President.  Couldn't happen, not in this country.

Picking this race is almost like picking the Super Bowl; you never get the matchup you really want.  I'd have to say that we're looking at Barack Obama running against Rudy Giuliani, and the running mates are anyone's guess.  I know that Hillary has too much pride to accept the back seat; I'd love to see Bill Richardson take the job.  Rudy's running mate?  If he chose a savvy guy like Newt Gingrich, who is actual very stable and has toned his act down, that would be one hell of an unbeatable ticket.

Obama/Richardson vs. Giuliani/Gingrich.  Good for America, no matter who wins that one.

And it will never fucking happen.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Pigs On The Wing (Part One)

Pigs On The Wing (Part One)                                        7936  (1156)

Saturday, June 2, 2007-2:00 A.M.

Good morning from Florida, where it's raining on the second day of Hurricane Season.  Can I book a tour, or what?

I took off from home on Tuesday afternoon after a thousand hugs and kisses from my wife and daughter.  Seriously, when you could die in a flaming car wreck at any point during a road trip, is any number of kisses and hugs ever enough when they could be your last?  I think possibly I need to think a little more positively.

I got as far as Knoxville, Tennessee, and called it quits after about 13 hours in the car.  I was just up to the point where I knew I would start hallucinating about animals jumping in front of the car, and I'd seen enough dead deer on the the way to err on the side of caution.

Wednesday, I dog-legged it the rest of the way to Daleville, Alabama.  I didn't have far to go, but I opted to stray from my RandMcNally.com directions and bypass Atlanta, which has notoriously bad traffic.  Instead, I drove through rural Northeast Georgia, where every police officer looks like Broderick Crawford but I didn't get to meet any of them, because my New York State License Plate-having ass was driving nice and sloooooooooow.  I was heading down into Alabama and on the final leg of the drive, through the army town of Dothan, Alabama (on my way to yet *another* army town), when I saw what I thought was a pack of feral dogs running across the highway.

All of the cars in front of me saw them, too, and we all begun to slow down.  The group crossed in front of me, and I was able to get a close look, because I was the second car in the line...they weren't dogs at all, but a wild boar and her four little piglets running across the road.  When I tell you that the last little piggie, the slowest of the bunch, was possibly the cutest thing I ever saw, I'm not lying.  Walt Disney couldn't have made them look any cuter, these little porkers running after their mama into a field of high sawgrass.

Well, if those pigs had turned into people and came to the show Wednesday night at the MVP lounge in Daleville, it wouldn't have made a difference, I can tell you.  It seemed that the whole base was on leave for the Memorial Day holiday, and except for a dozen or so townie regulars, the place was empty.  I worked with Jesse Pangelinan from Texas, and we had a decent show considering what we had to work with, which is to say, not very good of a show at all.  We failed to reach a critical mass where there were enough people emotionally invested in hearing standup comedy, and you can do your show under those circumstances, but you're still basically the piano player at the whorehouse...nobody came to listen to you, they are there for other reasons.

Thursday night was the Loft in Columbus, Georgia, yet another army town.  Sometimes I think the South is peppered with military bases in case they get the idea to secede again.  I feared a replay of the previous evening's sparse crowd situation, and was pleasantly surprised when the first show sold out, and the second show nearly did.  I worked with Matt Davis, who reminds me of Bill Hicks (his dirty material, not political) and he was quite amazing.  After I saw his first show, I decided to open up and do my more coarse material, which the second show people loved.  They were basically like a second-show Friday crowd; young, liquored-up and ready to succumb to any of the baser instincts that sexually graphic material would awaken in them.

The funny thing about both evenings is that both headliners wanted to get something to eat (which I'm always up for), and we wound up at a Waffle House both times....boy, Southerners sure enjoy their waffles, I must say.  I'm still getting the hang of ordering the hash browns, saying scattered, smothered, covered, peppered and chunked (which means with cheese, ham, jalapeno peppers and onions....they also offer mushrooms [capped], tomatoes [diced] and chili [not sure what the word for that is], but I've so far passed on those options.  You can get the whole shebang and save about 26 cents, which is the cost of any one topping, but at that point you should probably just shit your pants in the booth to save yourself the trouble.

I'm off until Thursday, so reports will probably be light.  Enjoy your summer, and stay out of the hot sun.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY