Mountain Song

Mountain Song                      7035  (253)

Saturday, March 3, 2007-1:00 A.M.

Please send me back to Canada.

I finished out the week in Ottawa at Absolute Comedy on Sunday night, and then packed up and headed home.  I got crushed by a snowstorm blowing off the east coast of Lake Ontario, but luckily the plows were out in force and cleared the roads enough that I didn't feel like I was gonna die every step of the way.  After two days off, which didn't turn out to be two full days, either, it was back on the road again.

I hosted the open mic at Comix Cafe on Tuesday, and let me tell ya, it was definitely rugged in spots.  The lowlight of the evening was a guy who none of us had seen before who insisted on being introduced as the Man of 1,000 voices, and he proceded to do hardly any impressions whatsoever.  He also made the mistake of walking around the room before the show and interjecting himself into conversations and just generally being obnoxious (not a good thing to do in a room full of comics).  We had a performance from a disgruntled guy who won a previous open mic contest at the club but never received a prize for his troubles, and he called out the club owner during his set, even though the owner is in Aruba.  Good luck with that, my friend.  Way to get yourself banned from the only club in town, ya douche.

Bright spots included the return of Mike Ruiz, who took advantage of some of his time off to write some new material, and also an appearance by Danny Viola, an old comedy buddy of mine from way back in the 1980's, who is getting back on the comedy horse.  Pat Duffy also turned in a good performance, but I cut the list off at 12 performers to prevent the show from becoming a Bataan Death March of comedy...this precluded the inclusion of some of the latecomers who play that game that they will show up late to avoid having to go on early in the show, before the crowd is "warmed up."  It's a cheap move, and the reward from now on is you aren't getting on.  A kid tried coercing me into putting him on later in the show because his friends weren't coming until later, and I told him to hope for a large number in the draw, or trade with someone.  He wound up getting #9, which worked out for his purpose.  See, you can enforce the rules and nothave to be the bad guy all the time.

I was going to leave for Tennessee right after the show, but I was too tired to pull it off, so I went home and got some sleep.  I got up around 4 AM and hit the road shortly after 5.  I was worrying about weather going through Erie, PA, where the winds off of Lake Erie usually bring lots of snow, but everything was cold and clear and the roads were salted and dry.  I fueled up at the Hess Mart up the street from where I live, and I lamented to the cashier as she was loading up the case with fresh Krispy Kreme doughnuts that I wasn't allowed to have them.  She informed me, "But they're kosher!"  I guess she made me out to be a little more Jewish and a little less diabetic than I really am.

I made it into Pigeon Forge, Tennessee around 5 PM, and I felt weary from the long drive and short night's sleep.  A 45-minute nap, a shave and a shower brought me up to speed, but nothing could prepare me for the show in Sevierville, Tennessee.  The folks were as nice as could be, but I guess they turned off to me after I called them rednecks.  Which to be honest, confused me, because they refer to themselves as rednecks all the time.  I didn't know the "N-word Rule" applied to hillbillies, but I guess it does.

Now, if you've never been to Pigeon Forge or any of the Smoky Mountain region of eastern Tennesse, I can describe it like this....Tennessee decided they wanted to have a Las Vegas, so they built one for themselves.  It's a VERY touristy area, with theaters and T-shirt vendors, fast food restaurants, steakhouses and buffets by the dozens, flea markets, thrift stores and wax museums without number, amen.  The club, the Triple C, was only in their second week of doing comedy, and I shared the bill with Big Ed Caylor, a Comedy Zone headliner and helluva nice guy.  I met him in the lobby of the hotel we were staying in, and he had already been to the club, so I followed him.  The Triple C was so far away from the hotel, I felt like I was back in Rochester again!  Anyway, he put on a great show, but at one point, I turned to Joel Pace (one of the agents from Comedy Zone who was hanging out to help get the fledgling comedy venue off the ground) and said, "His accent's so thick, I literally didn't understand a word of that last sentence he said."  Joel laughed, and I'm sure that there are certain things I say on stage that make the southern audiences crook their heads and think, "What'd he say?" but that's just a hurdle that I'm going to have to figure out if I'm going to continue working in the southern United States.

Thursday in Prestonsburg, Kentucky was fun, as always, and I was working with headliner Robert York.  Robert and I had just worked together in Charlotte, North Carolina, and he's always cool to hang out with.  He's a top road dog comic, and puts on as many miles as I do in a week, if that's even possible.  This morning, I was going to help him out with some transportation because he had to get some car repairs done, but he managed to find a place right near the hotel here in Charleston, West Virginia, so it didn't matter that I overslept and got a late start.  I wasn't in a hurry, but still managed to draw my second speeding ticket of the year, this one in Kentucky.  It also counts as my fifth ticket in the space of fifteen months.  I've been doing the road full-time for almost six years now, and only recently am I having problems with the officers of the law.  I don't think I'm doing anything differently, but I am driving a white car rather than my old periwinkle Toyota Corolla (R.I.P.), and I guess I look more guilty in it.

When I got to the Ramada Charleston, West Virginia, home of the Comedy Zone, I noticed that they were tearing up the joint with renovations.  It turned out to be a good thing, because they moved the comedy show out of the old room (which was terrible) because it was filled with building materials.  Instead, they put the show in another adjoining room, which was just the right size for the crowd that showed up tonight.  I met Melissa, the manager of the club, in the lobby as I was hauling my luggage in, and she showed me the room where the show was going to be held, and the stage and tables hadn't been set up yet.  I asked her where in the shoe-box shaped room the stage was going, and she told me it was going way in the back.

Now, since I've left the employ of the Comix Cafe as a club manager, the most difficult thing for me to do is to mind my own business when I am the booked entertainment at another venue.  I've been told that I'm just an employee and that it isn't my sandbox and I should keep my mouth shut, but I always hated the Charleston Comedy Zone's long setup, because I feel that the people way, way, way in the back are disconnected with the show and have a tendency to chit chat through the show, which makes it tough to perform.  I convinced Melissa that putting the stage on the side wall and setting up tables around it in a horseshoe actually made the small room intimate, with every seat being a good view, and actually made it easier for her serving staff to dish out the drinks.  Well, if the setup had been a problem or the show sucked or I got yelled at because I was wrong, I guess I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of telling you this story.  The fact of the matter is that it worked great, and even though as a peformer I had to pan from side to side to include everyone into the performance, everyone loved the show and Robert kicked ass and I got a couple of applause breaks and we sold a butt-load of merchandise after the show, in a room where merchandise sales for me have always sucked.  I'm glad that I opened my mouth when I did.

Tomorrow we have two shows, and I'll probably stay mostly put here in the hotel room.  I somehow managed to leave my hair mousse at the last hotel, so I have to go get some more, but there's a 7-11 two blocks up the road, so I'll get some there and then just hang out.  I searched out a comic book store today, Cheryl's Comics & Toys, and picked up some new stuff I'd been wanting, so I have no shortage of reading material to keep me busy.  I'm going to have to get some rest, too, because I have to dogleg it back to Rochester overnight to make it to a benefit show I'm doing on Sunday.  The gig's at 2 PM, but I don't actually go on until 4.  I'll still want to get there early to get the lay of the land, even though I'm only doing 15 minutes worth of material.  The show is at Nazareth High School, exactly 1.7 miles from my house...it is quite possibly the shortest distance away from home that I've ever performed.  I got my friend Julie Donofrio to volunteer her services, so she'll be going on earlier in the show, and they also have some musical performers getting involved.  I feel good when I get to do these types of things, because it makes me remember what comedy was like when I first started, when I would get up in front of any audience and it wasn't always about the money.  Sometimes I feel I've lost that giddiness about my chosen profession, and I want it back badly.  I want every show to be an event, and not just another day at the office.  If I wanted a day job of drudgery, I would have stayed in grocery or stayed in school and became a lawyer, as my plan A formerly dictated.

Blessings and peace to you all, my friends.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY