Drive South

Drive South                  6744  (2704)

Sunday, January 28, 2007-1:00 AM

It's almost unfair to call what I do a "roadtrip"....usually, when I think of a roadtrip, I think of getting in a car with a specific destination in mind, and letting the good times roll in between.  When I get in the car, I pack like a hitman....I only take what I'll need, nothing more, stick to a previously determined route, stop for food and rest room breaks only when I need to gas up the car anyway, and return home as quickly as possible.  It's not really traversing the country with a gypsy soul when you can say you've been to Washington D.C. three times and never saw the Lincoln Memorial.

This week has been a little different as I head south to see my father in between two weeks of work for the Comedy Zone in Charlotte, North Carolina and Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.  I picked up a Wednesday night show in Clemson, South Carolina, just a couple of hours southwest of Charlotte, only to have my Thursday night canceled when the club tightened up their show schedule due to flagging attendance.

No problem, as I would just drive in early, get a hotel room for the night off, and cool my heels.  There are books and newspapers to read, malls to walk and TV to watch, killing a day should be no problem.

Heading to the show at Pitcher's at the Clemson Marina, I ran into fellow comic Ward Anderson (www.wardanderson.net) in the parking lot of the hotel, just heading out himself.  He motioned me to jump in the car, and off we went.  The gig was a small bar but the room filled up pretty quick, and rather than being college or military folk, the showroom was comprised mostly of young townies and some older redneck types.  Jack Daniels was doing a liquor promotion in the bar, and I indulged in a shot, as I am a whiskey guy to people who know me, and Ward drank about the rest of the bottle while he was on stage.  We really let loose with it, and the show was good, and afterwards, we hung out and nearly closed the bar.  I did a cold read on the bartender, which is a skill I picked up from my good friend Mike Dambra.  I pegged this chick as basically being the patient type, and the type of girl who would look past the obvious deficiencies in her beau in favor of the task of "straightening him up."  After the read, she confessed that she had just broken up with a guy after a 5-year relationship, and she had to leave because he had no drive or goals whatsoever.  This girl was working her way through school and she was in the medical field, which is very strenuous (and expensive) and I think it offended her that buddy boy was basically a couch potato.  Big fun ripping people's souls out like I'm doing a card trick.

The next day, Ward invited me to tag along with him to Greenwood, South Carolina, where he was doing a one-nighter booked by Julie at the Comedy House Theater in Columbia, South Carolina.  He offered to let me crash with him rather than coughing up money for a hotel room, which sounded like a great idea.  We got headed toward Greenwood and basically got lost about seven times due to the poorly labeled road signs in South Carolina.  We took what should have been a two-hour trip and stretched it into about 4 1/2 hours.  After a Chinese buffet dinner that wasn't bad, we headed to the club, the Sports Break tavern.  During our little drive, I got a call from Joel Pace at the Comedy Zone inviting me to come down and play basketball with the guys from the office (a favorite pastime of theirs) and I felt annointed in a strange way.  I guess they didn't know I was fat and 40...not much use on a basketball court without a mascot uniform, to be perfectly honest.

Ward was working with a comic from Columbia named Mo Dixon.  Mo was funny, and his closing bit was stripping down to thong underwear and shaking his ass to music.  The crowd went wild, and I felt a little bad that Ward had to follow that.  I mc'ed the show, and flirted around with waitresses to pass the time.  Ward didn't start clicking with the crowd until he really started getting into their ass, ripping on a group of lesbians and an Asian girl who was drunk and heckling him.  After the show, he was basking in his headliner glory and I wound up hanging around with Tyler, one of the managers of the club.  I regaled him with stories of the road and my own comedy background, and I think I may be invited to play the club sometime in the future...he like what I did during my short mc set, anyway.  He gave me three club shirts, one for my wife, daughter and myself, and then gave me a card for two comped meals which Ward and I used the next day.  I let him buy me O'Douls' until he had to get back to work, and then struck up a conversation with some folks who had seen the show who were big Phish fans.

The next day, we headed out towards Charlotte, and after a few cock-ups in the directions (which I didn't have pre-printed, because I had no idea I was going to Greenwood), we got headed in the right direction and Ward and I managed to both get speeding tickets in a little town called Whitmire, South Carolina.  We finally made it to Charlotte, and we stopped off at the Comedy Zone offices and I met Joel Pace, who I had spoken to several times in the past, worked for dozens of times, but never actually met.  He was quite busy, so we puttered around the office and I came across a stack of Chris Wiles' promo packs.  Chris is the house mc at the Greensboro, North Carolina Comedy Zone, (www.chriswiles.net) and he is a nice guy albeit with a dubious reputation in the business.  His promo packs included a copy of his DVD and a package of microwave popcorn and a box of Milk Duds, like a cute way of saying "enjoy the show."  I ate a box of Milk Duds and not only were they old, but they weren't his.  HA!  Chris is a buddy, just kidding around.  Ward and I then proceded to get lost again on the way to the Microtel due to Yahoo's crappy directions.  We made it in time to iron a couple of shirts and make the show.

The Comedy Zone in Matthews is a nice little weekend room, and I was working with Skip Martin and Grandma Lee.  Skip and I had met several months ago (he interviewed me for a local paper, I think) and I had just seen him in Fayetteville, North Carolina last month.  Grandma Lee is a legend but we'd never crossed paths.  We had a very good first show (packed house) and then second show was a little sparse and weird.  Ward did a guest spot and then almost got into a bar fight out in the lounge.  After the show, Ward, Grandma Lee and I headed out to Waffle House for some late-night eats and suffice to say they might have been serving soup, but we were the only crackers in the place, if you get my meaning.  Grandma Lee picked up the check, and I liked her even before that, but that was the cherry on top of the sundae.  She's a classy lady and a good comic, and I enjoyed chatting with her about the business.

Today, Ward and I hung out, hadlunch, talked shop and then parted company.  I got over to the Comedy Zone at Starz Tavern just a little before showtime, and the place was packed.  We had two sold-out shows, and my comedy buddies Kurt Green and Steve Caminiti stopped in to say hi, they were working a country club gig up the road.  We hung out and talked some more shop (it's what I do, people) and we took some pictures which I will try to post on my new website www.ralphtetta.com.   Keep an eye out for them.  The crowds were excellent, and I just let myself go, did my material in whatever order I felt like, riffing with the people as I saw fit, and it went great.  If ever I felt like I was truly ready to headline, that I trusted myself and my abilities, tonight was the night.

Tomorrow I head down to see my parents in Florida, it's 8 1/2 hours down there and I'm not looking forward to the drive, but I am looking forward to seeing them.  Once I get there, I have four days to basically say goodbye to my Dad, and I don't know what I'm going to say.  I'm sure the time in the car will be plenty to prepare for it, but can you really prepare for such a thing?  I don't think you can.

I'll do my best.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY