Heavy Water

Heavy Water-Jethro Tull "Rock Island" l.p.                        884  

Sunday, May 1, 2005-2:00 A.M. (Monday morning)

Good evening, and welcome.  I just finished up the week of comedy work by hosting a couple of shows at The Comix Cafe (www.comixcafe.com)  in Rochester, NY.  It's always a pleasure to work in front of the home town crowds, there's always a group of regulars that I haven't seen since I ran the room full time that will come up and chat after the show, and I like that.  It's like having an extended family, and being Italian, we do that anyway.

As I last reported, I was leaving early from Tuscarawas, Ohio to make it to Fredericksburg, Virginia.  Good thing I left early, because the traffic out of Washington, D.C. was hellacious, to say the least.  It literally took two hours to go 40 miles.  They ought to build a highway going parallel to route 95, because it's always a parking lot, and not a very efficient way to travel.  Coming out of Ohio, I stumbled across the Clark Gable birthplace in Cadiz, Ohio.  For some reason, I always thought he was British....live and learn.  I also saw one of the funniest signs in my life....it was unintentional, I'm sure, but there was construction going on, and there was a Port-A-Potty on the site, and I was going slow enough to read the sign on the side of the stall.  It said "Jones Jons," which I assume is the manufacturer's name, and then it said "Flushing, Ohio."  I laughed out loud in the car.

Anyway, the gig at the Colonial Tavern was interesting, to say the least....I followed a performance of "The Vagina Monologues," and was followed by a band called the Campfire Orchestra.  I didn't see the Vagina, but I saw the orchestra, and they were excellent.  I'm going to write a man's version of the show called "The Banana Monologues."  HA!

Anyway, Julie, the woman in charge at the Colonial, was the second most beautiful woman I've ever seen, my wife being the first (kiss kiss).  If Pam ever kicked me out, Julie's phone would ring in about 10 seconds.  I don't usually go for the redheads, but hubba hubba!

I did my headlining set, which was fun because I got to do a lot of material that I normally don't have time to get to, constrained by the feature spot of only 25-35 minutes.  Also, the small audience allowed me to be more conversational and talk to the audience rather than at them, which you're forced to do with a bigger crowd.

Saturday morning, I shipped out of Fredericksburg, starting out my journey by fueling up at a Wawa gas station where unleaded was going for $1.99 a gallon....I wanted to get a big gas can at Wal-mart and buy as much as I could carry in my trunk, but I thought better of turning my vehicle into a rolling bomb without a fuse.  So I just filled the tank and made my way back to Rochester in terrible rain that lasted all the way home.  What should have been a seven hour journey took almost ten, due to some bad accidents on I-95.  A three car pile-up caused by an elderly Asian man in a giant cadillac (probably due to hydroplaning and cruise control....when you have cruise control on and you hit water, the wheels slip and the cruise control jacks up your speed to compensate, and you go airborne) slowed things down to a standstill, and then less than ten miles after that, a dumptruck caught his wheel on a concrete construction divider, went into the air, and came down on the divider.  The wrecker that was called in to lift the dumptruck off the divider took up two lanes, so there's another delay, plus everyone had to crane their neck in to see what happened.

Saturday and Sunday, I hosted at the Cafe with Artie Fletcher (www.nycbadboy.com)  and Ward Anderson (www.wardanderson.net) and we had a great time.  Again, it's great being home.  This weekend, it's off to Buffalo, just down the New York State Thruway and before the 25% toll increase that's coming down, to play the new Wit's End Comedy Club in Buffalo.  But before all that, I have an appointment tomorrow to check out my hearing....I used to do security at heavy metal shows at a small rock club called the Penny Arcade, and my ears have been blown out since the 80's.  It's only been recently that it's been a problem, because I've started hearing people call my name that aren't calling it, and when I talk too fast, I mush-mouth and sound like Lou Ferrigno.  I don't know if my hearing is bad enough to require hearing aids, but if it is, I want to get that taken care of.  I've blown the speakers to my car stereo because I crank the music too loud, and that's not healthy.

Before I forget, I also saw a sign in Ohio for "Dr. Boom's Lightning Rods."  Now, I have never been in the market for a lightning rod, but I gotta figure if I was, Dr. Boom would be my guy.  He sounds like a real party animal, to say the least.  I picture a guy with acid and oil on his face, and frizzy hair like a Warner Bros. cartoon character after the powder went off in his hand.

O.K., off to bed now.  I treated myself to watching a tape of the new episode of "Family Guy" (back from the dead!  And it was awesome!) and the terrible "American Dad" (from the same creators...I don't get it) and now it's late and I have a lot of things to do tomorrow, so I'm off.  Guys, don't forget that next Sunday is Mother's Day, so start preparing now.

This week, address a health issue in your life that you've been putting off.  You'll feel better, especially if it's been nagging you in the back of your head.  And remember, if you don't care about yourself, who else will?

Your mother will.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY