Well, it's that time of year again, and that means that baseball season has started. And it's time for me to come clean to the American public, and state, for the record, THAT I HATE BASEBALL.
Always have. It's a fucking pox. It's a shitty game. Boring as hell, puffed up on it's own self-importance, and followed by the shallowest of human beings.
The big arguments are widely held, even by fans and people in the baseball industry. And yet they blindly soldier on, drinking beer, eating peanuts, and keeping track of statistics. Well, let's take a look at this bullshit game that stopped being the "national pastime" sometime during the Nixon administration.
1. THEY PLAY TOO MANY GAMES. 162 games a year, to be precise. Well, let's do the math...that's double the games that hockey and basketball teams play in a season, and about ten times the number of games a football team plays. So basically what you're telling me is that a team could dump a ton of games in the crapper, and still be considered one of the best. All sports is frivolous, but baseball seeks to make frivolity an art form. Let's cut the season down to a reasonable number of games so that individual games actually mean something. I think baseball sucks, so I'd be satisfied with every team playing every other team once and then start the playoffs. Hell, NFL teams go eight years before they go through the rotation and play every other team, and they have the same number of teams.
2. BASEBALL IS NOT A TEAM SPORT. When it comes down to it, the game is a face off between a pitcher and a batter. And most of the fielding team doesn't even move once a ball is put in play. You want to liven the sport up for Ralph Tetta? You want to get me involved? Get rid of the benches, and let the batter's team hang out on the field. Easy out, pop fly? The batter has a guy right there to push the fielder out of the way and prevent him from catching the batter "out." Or, he could catch the ball, and then the batter's team plays a spirited game of "keep away" while the batter rounds the bases. Either way, you've got a sport that's fun to watch and challenging to play. Now that I've chimed in with my plan for improvement, regular baseball sounds like shit, doesn't it? You're god damned right it does.
3. THEY CALL THE CHAMPION SHIP "THE WORLD SERIES." And all the teams are from the United States, unless the Toronto Blue Jays somehow sneak into the playoffs. The only thing "world" about the series is that there are usually a butt-load of South American and Asian guys on the teams, and what does that say about the game when Asian guys are athletic enough to make the team?
4. THE MANAGERS WEAR UNIFORMS. Fucking ridiculous. Granted, it's rooted in tradition when the manager of a team would also be a player, but again, how stupid does some old fat guy look trotting out in pinstripes? It's as out of place as the 14-year-old kid who rings your door at Halloween looking for candy, and it needs to go. And how about updating the look of the uniforms, anyway? A baseball team looks like a busload of douche bags in their pajamas...they're not on their way to a physical contest, it's nap time.
5. THE ALL-STAR GAME IS PLAYED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON. Not to be disparaging, but is that really fair to all the players? A guy who's picked as an "all-star" could shit the bed in the second half, or a rookie player could hit his stride and start streaking after being passed over. Fuck if we're gonna be so nonchalant about the placement of the All-Star game, play the fucking thing in the winter. During Christmas week, when everyone's out of town for the holidays.
6. DOUBLE HEADERS. Let's face it, if you can play two games in a day, it's not even physically strenuous enough to be called a sport. And what happens when your team wins one and loses the other? What are you supposed to do, celebrate and mope?
Baseball appeals to people who like statistics. You know who else likes numbers that much? Accountants. And everyone knows what a bag of laughs they are. Baseball is an out-of-date system that we keep in place for some misguided traditionalism, like the Electoral College. It has no place in society, and takes more than it gives. Congress actually got side-tracked from dealing with real issues like war and the economy to try and figure out if players had used steroids or not. I demand a recount.
Baseball is light on action. If you want to play up the strategy aspect of the game, here's a one-word rebuttal.....chess. My amplified answer is "Chess, motherfucker." During an NFL contest, every player on the field is in motion. During an NBA or NHL contest, every player is in motion until the period is over. In baseball, there's a lot of standing around.....talking......and scratching. Sometimes, the manager and the catcher take a stroll out to the mound for a sidebar. YAWN.
Some of the teams are named after laundry. The Boston Red Sox? You do realize that this nick-name is only one generation removed from calling themselves the Boston White-Striped Boxer-Briefs. Lame, lame, and more lame.
In closing, I will offer one positive observation about baseball, just so you baseball lovers won't think I'm all bad. Baseball has provided people like me who don't like guns an alternate form of home security in the baseball bat. It's way more effective than trying to chase off home invaders with a hockey stick or a ping-pong paddle.
Play ball.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester (Red Wings), NY
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Everyday I Write The Book (Elvis Costello)
It's funny how things change. Mostly, change comes gradually...you don't notice it because it's a small change each day, but then months or years down the road, you compare whatever it is that changed to the way it used to be, and it's a drastic difference.
Want proof? Look at your high school graduation photo, and then look in the mirror. I'll wait.
Big difference, huh? Unless you're Michael J. Fox, who for some reason is holding on pretty well.
I mention change because I've certainly changed. I used to blog about three times a week, and now I finally get a chance to sit down and write, and I look at the date of my last entry, and it's been two weeks. The way it feels, it might as well be a lifetime.
I'm always on the fence about what I should write. The least interesting types of blogs, my friend Ward told me today, are the "road diary" types of blogs (what I had for lunch, where I'm playing this week, how the crowds were, etc.) and the current events, political or philosophical blogs.
Unfortunately, those are the two big guns in my arsenal.
When I do write something funny, I try to record it as a podcast and post it on my primary website, www.ralphtetta.com. As my webmaster Bruce would tell you, I'm sporadic at best at generating new material, and to be more honest about it, piss-poor. I've written one thing this YEAR. That blows.
I'm writing a book about standup comedy. I have a great deal of it already finished, but I showed it around to a bunch of fledgling comics for their feedback, and got lots of great ideas about things that should be added and amplified. I've hoped to use some of my down-time to get the writing done, but there's always something cool on TV, or the internet, or one of the books I brought to read, the complimentary USA today from the hotel, or just a nap.
I have an idea for a CD full of "radio plays" that I think would be great fun to record. Basically, a comedy album full of sketches that include audio only. I've written one sketch, and figure I need between nine and twelve more. That project is dry-docked until I can get off my ass.
My discipline is for shit.
I've become the most useless person I could possibly be; I'm a writer who doesn't write.
I've gotten accolades in the past for my writing abilities; now I'm resting on my laurels. I need a kick in the ass to get going again, and I just don't know how to do it. I've been keeping plenty busy with the college tour, and I've got Easter week off, but I can tell you right now what's going to happen; I'm going to get home from New Mexico, and I'm going to decompress and spend time with my family who will be hogging my time because they haven't seen me in a month. Then I'm hitting the road again for about three weeks. Hopefully I can shake out some of the dust, but lately I just feel unmotivated. I'm actually only writing this blog to get the juices flowing.
I wish it was just writer's block. I can beat that. I've learned all the tricks. I'm just dodging the task at hand with other bullshit pursuits. The upside is that I've consumed so much news, I'm an expert at most anything going on in the world today. Go ahead, try me.
O.K. I think I've indulged in enough self-flagellation for one day. Maybe I can get some work done now. I'll check in from time to time and tell you how it's going.
Crap. "Family Guy" is on.....
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Want proof? Look at your high school graduation photo, and then look in the mirror. I'll wait.
Big difference, huh? Unless you're Michael J. Fox, who for some reason is holding on pretty well.
I mention change because I've certainly changed. I used to blog about three times a week, and now I finally get a chance to sit down and write, and I look at the date of my last entry, and it's been two weeks. The way it feels, it might as well be a lifetime.
I'm always on the fence about what I should write. The least interesting types of blogs, my friend Ward told me today, are the "road diary" types of blogs (what I had for lunch, where I'm playing this week, how the crowds were, etc.) and the current events, political or philosophical blogs.
Unfortunately, those are the two big guns in my arsenal.
When I do write something funny, I try to record it as a podcast and post it on my primary website, www.ralphtetta.com. As my webmaster Bruce would tell you, I'm sporadic at best at generating new material, and to be more honest about it, piss-poor. I've written one thing this YEAR. That blows.
I'm writing a book about standup comedy. I have a great deal of it already finished, but I showed it around to a bunch of fledgling comics for their feedback, and got lots of great ideas about things that should be added and amplified. I've hoped to use some of my down-time to get the writing done, but there's always something cool on TV, or the internet, or one of the books I brought to read, the complimentary USA today from the hotel, or just a nap.
I have an idea for a CD full of "radio plays" that I think would be great fun to record. Basically, a comedy album full of sketches that include audio only. I've written one sketch, and figure I need between nine and twelve more. That project is dry-docked until I can get off my ass.
My discipline is for shit.
I've become the most useless person I could possibly be; I'm a writer who doesn't write.
I've gotten accolades in the past for my writing abilities; now I'm resting on my laurels. I need a kick in the ass to get going again, and I just don't know how to do it. I've been keeping plenty busy with the college tour, and I've got Easter week off, but I can tell you right now what's going to happen; I'm going to get home from New Mexico, and I'm going to decompress and spend time with my family who will be hogging my time because they haven't seen me in a month. Then I'm hitting the road again for about three weeks. Hopefully I can shake out some of the dust, but lately I just feel unmotivated. I'm actually only writing this blog to get the juices flowing.
I wish it was just writer's block. I can beat that. I've learned all the tricks. I'm just dodging the task at hand with other bullshit pursuits. The upside is that I've consumed so much news, I'm an expert at most anything going on in the world today. Go ahead, try me.
O.K. I think I've indulged in enough self-flagellation for one day. Maybe I can get some work done now. I'll check in from time to time and tell you how it's going.
Crap. "Family Guy" is on.....
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Working On A Dream (Bruce Springsteen)
Thursday, March 19, 2009-11:00 A.M.
Good morning, readers from blogger.com, Facebook, MySpace, and ComedySoapbox. I'm delighted that you chose to take a few minutes to read me and see what's on my mind.
In the past few years that I've been putting fingers to keyboard, I've attempted to chronicle my journey in the world of standup comedy and professional entertainment. At key points in my life, I've deviated from that path to share personal musings, recognize departed family and friends, and discuss current events of interest.
I've always attempted to keep a balance; to provide as much information as possible to give a real look at what my life on the road is like, but not so much that it becomes a boring exercise. Sometimes I manage the task quite handily, and sometimes you read about my roast beef sandwich that I made in my hotel room after a show.
My life has always seemed to have been chopped up into four-year increments; I do something for four years, and then move on. I spent four years in college, four years managing the Comix Cafe, and now toured the country for eight years in the comedy clubs. I guess I enjoyed this part of the ride so much, I did two tours. And now I'm starting what I have to assume is another four-year stint hosting the college game show "Dash For Dollars."
I'm absolutely loving it, and each college that I visit brings a new challenge. Some schools are bigger than others, some are situated in densely populated urban settings, others out in the country among the cornfields. Some colleges provide huge performance venues, others have access to more intimate spaces. I welcome the challenge that each school provides, and work according to the specifications.
The thing that they all have in common is the trust they put in me to provide a great show, and I work very hard to make sure that I deliver on that promise. The students are the stars of the show, not me, and I try not to forget that. I deliver the show with the promise of fair play, sportsmanship, and the idea that a positive attitude will be rewarded, and not just greed. And some audiences are better at accepting that than others. I roll with the punches, do my job and let the chips fall where they may. A roller coaster has to creek slowly up a hill to provide the rush of the plunge down the other side.
The great advantage that this new opportunity has afforded me is that I'm working constantly, doing colleges mostly during the week, and leaving weekends open for club work, which I still enjoy. The disadvantage is that the time I've been allowed to spend at home to reconnect with my family and decompress has shrunk, and made those moments more precious. But a curious side effect has also taken hold, and that is that I'm absorbing even more news now than I used to. There's a great deal of down time on the road, and I've got all the tools at my disposal to absorb a ridiculous amount of information. In the vehicle, I have satellite radio, and now that XM and Sirius have merged, there's about 250 channels to surf through. Every hotel has some sort of cable package, and my laptop provides constant connection to the internet, which I access for what seems like every waking moment. Today, they pushed a USA Today under my door. I literally can't stop the information from flowing.
With all that being said, I come to my point; I finally understand why our economy collapsed. From what I understand, the problem stemmed from the housing market. Banks were writing mortgages at sub-prime rates, which allowed people to purchase homes they couldn't afford. At the same time, housing prices were going through the roof because everyone could basically get the financing they needed to purchase the homes. As demand went up and the supply stayed constant, the price went up; simple economics. Then the banks, knowing that many of these mortgages were going to wind up in foreclosure, went to companies like AIG to insure the loans, which was smart. The problem was that AIG was insuring the loans at a much greater ratio than their actual asset ability to provide. They would then bundle these debts as securities and made them available to investors, and of course, they weren't worth the paper they were printed on because they were unsustainable debts backed by money that just wasn't there.
So when regular working folks who had these mortgages for homes they couldn't possibly afford started defaulting, the banks started collecting on the insurance of these bad mortgages, and the whole house of cards fell down. AIG failed, which meant that the banks holding all of these bad mortgages failed, and the investors who plowed money into AIG lost their investments, which in many cases represented their retirement funds.
There are other factors in play, and I don't have a background in economics so I can't really comment, but it seems that the whole mess is predicated on a few simple factors; first, that Americans couldn't pass up the idea that they could live in a house beyond their means to maintain, and second, that the banks couldn't pass up the profit that they would make writing mortgages far and above the business that they would normally do, and not see it as a risk because they were able to get the loans insured. And there was no regulation going on at any point of the cycle.
People who know me know that I would have no problem laying the blame for this squarely at the feet of the Republican President of the last eight years, but there is essentially no one person who can shoulder the blame. President Calvin Coolidge famously said, "The business of America is business." Capitalism should exist for the purpose of individuals making money, providing a comfortable lifestyle, allowing ones self to raise a family, and to secure a retirement free of worry. The social contract, though, is that money should be earned, and be based on something; usually the sweat of one's brow or the product of a factory or field. That's all there is on the playing field, folks....goods and services. Products and labor. And when we start shifting around air, we blow up a balloon that has no choice but to pop.
But who can blame the financial sector for contriving such a scheme? We don't have goods and services anymore. We allow China to make all of our consumer goods, and we ship our jobs to Mexico and India and anywhere else we can, favoring the 60 cents a day worker over our American minimum wage which stifles a corporation's profitability. So there's nothing left to do but trade in money, and bundled debt disguised as securities. And watch the stock market drop like a rock that moments ago was skipping along the surface of the lake.
We need a way out. The Republicans cry "tax cuts!" but how much of a tax cut could you provide for someone to keep them in their home? To rebuild their shattered nest egg? To allow a company to start hiring workers again and provide them an income with which to start anew? I personally don't think it's possible.
I think the answer is that we have to start making things again. We need to open factories, hire workers here in the United States, and start elevating the middle class...because the middle class is the class that actually consumes the goods.
I don't know the ins-and-outs of farm subsidies, but I do know that there's less food in the world than there are people who need to be fed. Why are we not producing as much food as possible? Instead of sending cash overseas in the form of foreign aid (which I believe we should be doing, absolutely) why are we not sending boatloads of grain? There are probably factors I'm not considering like spoilage, cost of distribution, etc, but again, I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just a man crying out in the wilderness looking for answers.
Can we start working again? Can we reclaim our American dream?
How about this....health care seems to be on a lot of people's minds, and rightfully so. The state of health care in this country is unsatisfactory by anyone's standards except for perhaps the pharmaceutical manufacturers and insurance agencies. Every doctor I've spoken to (not enough for a sample, but enough to make me say this without hesitancy) is in favor of a single-payer health care system. Preventative medicine seems to be the area in which we particularly lag in this country. And that means that illnesses, ailments and conditions don't get treated until they are in the drastic stages, and they become more difficult to cure. How much do we waste by allowing people to get that sick? And how much does overall production suffer due to lost time on the job by workers who are out sick? Has anyone calculated that cost?
And of course, all of this speculation falls on the shoulders of one man; President Obama. I trust President Obama, and I think a lot of Americans do, too. Currently, his popularity is riding around 60%, but even that number is moving downward as impatient Americans look for answers and results. He understands that in order for us to dig our way out of the hole, we need shovels. And right now, the government is in the best position to provide those shovels.
Obama's plan at this point seems to be a carbon copy of Franklin Roosevelt's plan, to start building infrastructure (which to be fair, we do need) and creating jobs. We almost need a Marshall plan to rebuild America much as Japan was rebuilt after World War II. There are critics of Obama's plan, to be sure, and the rhetoric seems to center around the idea that "You can't spend your way out of a recession." The criticism shrivels a bit when you change the word "spend" into the word "invest." Building safe bridges, levies, dams, roads and highways is an expenditure, to be sure, but it is an investment. Just as having up-to-date schools to educate and train the next generation of Americans is also an expenditure, it is no less an investment.
My father lived through the Great Depression, and now it looks as though I'll get the opportunity to do the same. And I've decided that perhaps this is something that America needs right now. In times of trouble, we pull together and help each other, we share what we have and we lift each other up. We speak more softly and we listen a little more carefully, because we're all in this together. And we embody the great American spirit that all things are possible if we stick together, join hands, contribute our talents to the pool and push in the same direction.
We need hope, not despair. We need to roll up our sleeves and start working again. And we need each other.
There is an old English proverb that goes like this; "Fear knocked at the door and Faith answered, and lo, no one was there."
Have faith in God, each other, and yourself. We can do this. And if you know someone who needs encouragement, please send this along as a text or a link.
Let's get to work.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Good morning, readers from blogger.com, Facebook, MySpace, and ComedySoapbox. I'm delighted that you chose to take a few minutes to read me and see what's on my mind.
In the past few years that I've been putting fingers to keyboard, I've attempted to chronicle my journey in the world of standup comedy and professional entertainment. At key points in my life, I've deviated from that path to share personal musings, recognize departed family and friends, and discuss current events of interest.
I've always attempted to keep a balance; to provide as much information as possible to give a real look at what my life on the road is like, but not so much that it becomes a boring exercise. Sometimes I manage the task quite handily, and sometimes you read about my roast beef sandwich that I made in my hotel room after a show.
My life has always seemed to have been chopped up into four-year increments; I do something for four years, and then move on. I spent four years in college, four years managing the Comix Cafe, and now toured the country for eight years in the comedy clubs. I guess I enjoyed this part of the ride so much, I did two tours. And now I'm starting what I have to assume is another four-year stint hosting the college game show "Dash For Dollars."
I'm absolutely loving it, and each college that I visit brings a new challenge. Some schools are bigger than others, some are situated in densely populated urban settings, others out in the country among the cornfields. Some colleges provide huge performance venues, others have access to more intimate spaces. I welcome the challenge that each school provides, and work according to the specifications.
The thing that they all have in common is the trust they put in me to provide a great show, and I work very hard to make sure that I deliver on that promise. The students are the stars of the show, not me, and I try not to forget that. I deliver the show with the promise of fair play, sportsmanship, and the idea that a positive attitude will be rewarded, and not just greed. And some audiences are better at accepting that than others. I roll with the punches, do my job and let the chips fall where they may. A roller coaster has to creek slowly up a hill to provide the rush of the plunge down the other side.
The great advantage that this new opportunity has afforded me is that I'm working constantly, doing colleges mostly during the week, and leaving weekends open for club work, which I still enjoy. The disadvantage is that the time I've been allowed to spend at home to reconnect with my family and decompress has shrunk, and made those moments more precious. But a curious side effect has also taken hold, and that is that I'm absorbing even more news now than I used to. There's a great deal of down time on the road, and I've got all the tools at my disposal to absorb a ridiculous amount of information. In the vehicle, I have satellite radio, and now that XM and Sirius have merged, there's about 250 channels to surf through. Every hotel has some sort of cable package, and my laptop provides constant connection to the internet, which I access for what seems like every waking moment. Today, they pushed a USA Today under my door. I literally can't stop the information from flowing.
With all that being said, I come to my point; I finally understand why our economy collapsed. From what I understand, the problem stemmed from the housing market. Banks were writing mortgages at sub-prime rates, which allowed people to purchase homes they couldn't afford. At the same time, housing prices were going through the roof because everyone could basically get the financing they needed to purchase the homes. As demand went up and the supply stayed constant, the price went up; simple economics. Then the banks, knowing that many of these mortgages were going to wind up in foreclosure, went to companies like AIG to insure the loans, which was smart. The problem was that AIG was insuring the loans at a much greater ratio than their actual asset ability to provide. They would then bundle these debts as securities and made them available to investors, and of course, they weren't worth the paper they were printed on because they were unsustainable debts backed by money that just wasn't there.
So when regular working folks who had these mortgages for homes they couldn't possibly afford started defaulting, the banks started collecting on the insurance of these bad mortgages, and the whole house of cards fell down. AIG failed, which meant that the banks holding all of these bad mortgages failed, and the investors who plowed money into AIG lost their investments, which in many cases represented their retirement funds.
There are other factors in play, and I don't have a background in economics so I can't really comment, but it seems that the whole mess is predicated on a few simple factors; first, that Americans couldn't pass up the idea that they could live in a house beyond their means to maintain, and second, that the banks couldn't pass up the profit that they would make writing mortgages far and above the business that they would normally do, and not see it as a risk because they were able to get the loans insured. And there was no regulation going on at any point of the cycle.
People who know me know that I would have no problem laying the blame for this squarely at the feet of the Republican President of the last eight years, but there is essentially no one person who can shoulder the blame. President Calvin Coolidge famously said, "The business of America is business." Capitalism should exist for the purpose of individuals making money, providing a comfortable lifestyle, allowing ones self to raise a family, and to secure a retirement free of worry. The social contract, though, is that money should be earned, and be based on something; usually the sweat of one's brow or the product of a factory or field. That's all there is on the playing field, folks....goods and services. Products and labor. And when we start shifting around air, we blow up a balloon that has no choice but to pop.
But who can blame the financial sector for contriving such a scheme? We don't have goods and services anymore. We allow China to make all of our consumer goods, and we ship our jobs to Mexico and India and anywhere else we can, favoring the 60 cents a day worker over our American minimum wage which stifles a corporation's profitability. So there's nothing left to do but trade in money, and bundled debt disguised as securities. And watch the stock market drop like a rock that moments ago was skipping along the surface of the lake.
We need a way out. The Republicans cry "tax cuts!" but how much of a tax cut could you provide for someone to keep them in their home? To rebuild their shattered nest egg? To allow a company to start hiring workers again and provide them an income with which to start anew? I personally don't think it's possible.
I think the answer is that we have to start making things again. We need to open factories, hire workers here in the United States, and start elevating the middle class...because the middle class is the class that actually consumes the goods.
I don't know the ins-and-outs of farm subsidies, but I do know that there's less food in the world than there are people who need to be fed. Why are we not producing as much food as possible? Instead of sending cash overseas in the form of foreign aid (which I believe we should be doing, absolutely) why are we not sending boatloads of grain? There are probably factors I'm not considering like spoilage, cost of distribution, etc, but again, I don't claim to be an expert. I'm just a man crying out in the wilderness looking for answers.
Can we start working again? Can we reclaim our American dream?
How about this....health care seems to be on a lot of people's minds, and rightfully so. The state of health care in this country is unsatisfactory by anyone's standards except for perhaps the pharmaceutical manufacturers and insurance agencies. Every doctor I've spoken to (not enough for a sample, but enough to make me say this without hesitancy) is in favor of a single-payer health care system. Preventative medicine seems to be the area in which we particularly lag in this country. And that means that illnesses, ailments and conditions don't get treated until they are in the drastic stages, and they become more difficult to cure. How much do we waste by allowing people to get that sick? And how much does overall production suffer due to lost time on the job by workers who are out sick? Has anyone calculated that cost?
And of course, all of this speculation falls on the shoulders of one man; President Obama. I trust President Obama, and I think a lot of Americans do, too. Currently, his popularity is riding around 60%, but even that number is moving downward as impatient Americans look for answers and results. He understands that in order for us to dig our way out of the hole, we need shovels. And right now, the government is in the best position to provide those shovels.
Obama's plan at this point seems to be a carbon copy of Franklin Roosevelt's plan, to start building infrastructure (which to be fair, we do need) and creating jobs. We almost need a Marshall plan to rebuild America much as Japan was rebuilt after World War II. There are critics of Obama's plan, to be sure, and the rhetoric seems to center around the idea that "You can't spend your way out of a recession." The criticism shrivels a bit when you change the word "spend" into the word "invest." Building safe bridges, levies, dams, roads and highways is an expenditure, to be sure, but it is an investment. Just as having up-to-date schools to educate and train the next generation of Americans is also an expenditure, it is no less an investment.
My father lived through the Great Depression, and now it looks as though I'll get the opportunity to do the same. And I've decided that perhaps this is something that America needs right now. In times of trouble, we pull together and help each other, we share what we have and we lift each other up. We speak more softly and we listen a little more carefully, because we're all in this together. And we embody the great American spirit that all things are possible if we stick together, join hands, contribute our talents to the pool and push in the same direction.
We need hope, not despair. We need to roll up our sleeves and start working again. And we need each other.
There is an old English proverb that goes like this; "Fear knocked at the door and Faith answered, and lo, no one was there."
Have faith in God, each other, and yourself. We can do this. And if you know someone who needs encouragement, please send this along as a text or a link.
Let's get to work.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Saturday, March 7, 2009
This Land Is Your Land (Woody Guthrie)
Not to over dramatize, but I woke up this morning feeling like a gunfighter who had to shoot 50 cowboys the night before.
I'm in Canton, NY, the home of SUNY Canton, and the first return engagement of the Dash For Dollars Comedy Game Show in my tenure as host.
When last I checked in, I was heading towards Warwick, Rhode Island and the Comedy Zone at the Showcase Cinemas. The drive from Rutland, Vermont wasn't very long, but it did take me through Boston. I think sometimes that directions provided by a GPS system or calculated by Mapquest, RandMcNally.com or some other service, are not the best directions because even though they calculate the directions as being the fastest or shortest routes, they don't take into account the rush hour traffic (or even general daytime congestion) that can occur in major metropolitan areas. As soon as I noticed that the GPS was sending me to Boston, I gritted my teeth, but kept on going because it was early afternoon and I figured I'd catch a break.
Well, as it turned out, I did catch a break and even though there was a slowdown or two, I wound up making it into Rhode Island with plenty of time to spare. I checked in to the hotel and didn't see many cars, but the hotel was full; that's because there was a college women's basketball tournament going on, and everyone had arrived on a single bus. And the whole time I'm sitting there thinking, "I'm in a hotel filled with female college basketball players, why didn't this shit ever happen when I was single?" Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but her turnaround-jumper is for shit. Ha ha, just kidding, I love you honey, stop hitting me.
I was working at the Comedy Zone with fellow road dog Mutzie from New Orleans, Louisiana. Mutzie and I work a lot together, and I think that's part and parcel of the Comedy Zone's faith in us to deliver a great show. The room at the Showcase Cinemas was a new endeavor, and even though there had been comedy done in movie theaters before (Buffalo had the famous Como 8 comedy night, lovingly re-named the "Coma 8" by disenchanted Western New York comics for the less-than stellar turnouts and reactions from the sparse audiences), but this was a whole different animal. The Showcase Cinemas had literally turned one of their 16 screening rooms into a real comedy club, complete with tables down in the front, a great stage, beautiful sound and lighting, a full restaurant menu (not just popcorn, but they had that, too), and a liquor license! They really did the place up nice, and it was a joy to perform there. They had printed up really nice lobby cards, those big posters that you see in theaters that specialize in live theater, plays and stuff like that, and there in glorious color was my new headshot! After the weekend was over, the cards were going to be discarded in favor of the next week's performers, so Mutzie and I grabbed one each for a souvenir. It was really a great weekend, with plenty of folks coming in, many for the first time, and I think Mutzie and I made a good impression on them.
During the day on Saturday I did the road comic thing, getting up early to grab the complimentary continental breakfast and then doing laundry, and napping because I knew that Sunday morning I was going to need to beat some weather. A big snowstorm was coming, and I had one day to drive to my next game show date in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I got up early enough on Sunday to get coffee, jump in the van, and get out of town before the first snowflakes could hit the ground. I will compress the next 13 hours into as small a space as possible; I drove to Indiana, stopped for gas several times and also to use the bathroom, talked on the phone, listened to talk radio, and tried not to let the uninteresting terrain of Pennsylvania and Ohio hypnotize me into driving off of the road. When I reached the hotel in Fort Wayne, I was exhausted. Even though it's just driving in a van, it's pretty tough work, especially if you're sharing the road with truckers jacked up on coffee, energy drinks, truck stop amphetamines (caffeine pills, my ass) and deadlines with delivery incentives.
I got about 6 hours of sleep and woke up the next morning, not completely sure exactly where I was. Luckily, the Student Activities director at the college called my cell phone and I snapped back to current reality. My venue had been changed at the college, so I got up and bee-lined for the proposed area. There were some difficulties, as in, the cash booth that is the center piece of my game show didn't fit into the building I was assigned to do the show. I had been warned to expect this sort of thing and prepare in advance, so I used my vast improvisational skills to figure out how to do the show without it, and even though it was a small turnout, we had a great time, the students loved the show, and I got out of there with a feeling of job satisfaction that I had done the best job I could. In retrospect, it was good thing that I didn't have to load in the cash booth, because the standard rider on the college contract is that the school provides help to load the unit in. The single person who was assigned to me was a pregnant secretary. She was helpful, but that wasn't the "two helpers" I was expecting. Pre-natal volunteers rarely carry their own weight in such circumstances, as said weight is in the single digits.
After the show it was back east to Cleveland, Ohio, where I did a very exciting show at Cuyahoga Community College in the downtown area. The school was in the general vicinity of the Cleveland Improv comedy club, so I was somewhat familiar with the area. I caught a break in the morning as one of my pre-show duties is to visit a bank and replenish the cash that is necessary to put in the money booth, and broken into the correct increments. You can't just shove any amount of money you want in there, it has to be $500 and in the proper amount of bills. The hotel had a cash machine in their lobby, and after chatting with the folks at the desk, they told me that they were both willing and able to break the $20 bills that the ATM would provide into the bills that I would need. It saved me a trip, and I used the time savings to relax with the paper, some coffee, and a hot bowl of oatmeal (always working on my cholesterol, I am).
The real fun of the week was to happen the next day, in Middletown, Ohio, home of the Middletown campus of Miami of Ohio University. I got to the hotel just a little before 7 in the evening, in time to enjoy the manager's reception in the lobby, which garnered me free nachos. I put together a bowl with some nice hot cheese sauce (I somehow always undermine my efforts to work on my cholesterol) and retired to my room to enjoy movies on HBO and an early night's sleep. The next morning, I was up with the birds and ready to start my day.
I headed down to the breakfast area to put together a plate with some eggs, sausage, and a nice bowl of oatmeal. I grabbed some coffee and skim milk and set myself up at a table facing the wide-screen television in the breakfast room. I was enjoying my breakfast and the local newscast, when an older gentleman, probably in his 50's, sat down at the table next to me with his plate.
This gentleman had put together a huge amount of food, eggs, sausage, biscuits and gravy, and it was all chopped up together into a big mound. He was a portly type, with a clean flannel shirt, tucked into his jeans, and wearing a pair of wide suspenders. He had a bald head, but a big white beard that made me think of Santa Claus for some reason. He looked like a blue-collar type, and for some reason, I figured he was an electrician or something. The table he chose was parallel to mine, and he was facing the TV, and literally was no farther away from me than a foot. The tables in the breakfast area were quite close together.
After he put his plate down, he got up and changed the station on the TV, which immediately pissed me off. Shared television etiquette dictates that you can't just change the station without asking if anyone else was watching the program that was on (which I was), and also first-come, first-served comes into play as well. And to make matters worse? This son-of-a-bitch put on FOX NEWS. So now I am doubly pissed....he jumped the TV for his own purpose, fuck everyone else who was there first, and he's a right-wing conservative. I sat there and stewed in my own anger, because I never would have just assumed that I could switch off the local news and choose some left-leaning program that I would have liked, I would always have some sort of sense of decorum for those in the room that wouldn't enjoy such programming.
So I'm sitting there hating this contemptuous individual, and a lady in a sports jacket comes over and addresses him. "Sir, are you a hotel guest?"
And there's a pause. I know immediately that he's not a guest, and he just snuck in to cadge the free breakfast.
"I'm with (inaudible) up in room (inaudible)." He's sitting right next to me, I'm right there in the middle of this, and even though I know this guy's getting his comeuppance, I'm uncomfortable.
"Sir, the breakfast is a courtesy for our hotel guests. You can't help yourself AND YOU'VE BEEN TOLD THIS BEFORE." The son-of-a-bitch has done it before! I'm delighting in the embarrassment of the situation. I try not to smirk, finish my coffee and get the hell out of there.
Now, I'm not going to sit here and try to draw some parallel between people who watch Fox News and people who steal complimentary hotel breakfasts that they're not entitled to. But it's interesting, is it not, that this cat did what he did? He wandered in from off the street (and if he's done this before, he's a local resident), helped himself to some food he had no intention of paying for, commandeered the television set to his own liking, and sat there with no qualms.
It seems like a sense of entitlement to me. It seems like (at it's worst) THEFT. Conversion for personal gain. And this sense of entitlement, from a man who I assume because of his choice of Fox News, a conservative-leaning programmer, would rail against such things as the cost of this entitlement lays squarely on the backs of the people who PAY for lodging in the hotel. So much for individual achievement, huh? So much for the rejection of entitlements, Socialist ideas, the idea that everyone should be fed and cared for.
Coincidentally, there were some folks milling around in the breakfast area earlier, before Mr. Suspenders showed up, and they were speaking German, which I don't speak. But there is a German word, and you may have heard of it, known as Schadenfreude. Translated, this word means secretly delighting in the misfortune of others. I confess that I felt this as I made my way to the elevator, that this man who I don't like was found out to be a thief, a hypocrite, and was told off by the hotel staff. My show was fine, and there was an eight-hour drive home, and I whistled all the way.
I mentioned the story to my mother-in-law the next day, and she postulated that maybe the guy was homeless. Maybe he couldn't afford food. In truth, he was too clean and well groomed to make me think that he was indigent in any way, but that begs another question; why would a homeless guy be watching Fox News? The Right's whole shtick seems to be that if you're down on your luck, it's because you didn't work hard enough, and giving you a handout is hurting you because it will take away your impetus to work harder and do better for yourself.
It's hogwash, by the way. It assumes that everyone has equal access to the tools of success, and there's no such thing as bad luck. Tell it to someone who has a child with a catastrophic illness, a birth defect, a special need. Tell it to someone who just isn't mathematically inclined and gets enough B's on their high school transcript that they aren't eligible for an academic scholarship, but their family is also too well off to qualify for a needs-based scholarship. Tell it to someone who for a million different reasons, falls through the cracks and works as hard as they can, but still wind up with a bare-bones subsistence life.
Boy, wouldn't it be great if it were different? We could all afford our own eggs and sausage. We wouldn't worry about someone taking the toast off of our plate. "Why should I share my breakfast with that guy? I earned this breakfast. Tell him to get a job."
My breakfast was provided by the hotel, and the hotel room was paid for by the college I was performing at that day, as a part of my compensation. I worked for my breakfast. And here's the worst part of the story....if Mr. Suspenders was truly in need, truly hungry, homeless, down on his luck, his wife's in the hospital with breast cancer and her illness has drained their savings down to the last dime he had to spend on breakfast, if he had come up to me with any of those stories, I would have given him my breakfast. Regardless of his choice of television shows. I would have made up a plate for him, chopped up the sausage and eggs, put the gravy on, and sat with him outside in my van, heat blowing, while he ate his breakfast.
Because I love people. I hate to see people hurting. I hate to see them go without, to be down, to feel like no one's on their side. It's why I'm a Liberal. If I have ten dollars and you have nothing, then the truth is we both have five dollars and we're eating at Subway. And next week, maybe you'll have ten dollars and I'll be broke, but it won't matter because you'll honor our social compact and we'll be at Subway, having a sandwich and enjoying the feeling that says we're not alone today. It's why we live in cities, close to each other. It's why we have Neighborhood Watch (Socialist idea), neighborhood schools (Socialist idea), why we go to church together (Socialist, Socialist, Socialist) and donate to charities, and build playgrounds and let our children play together and why we work together. We are not alone. We don't rise and fall based on our own merits. We need each other.
Don't let anyone tell you different.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
I'm in Canton, NY, the home of SUNY Canton, and the first return engagement of the Dash For Dollars Comedy Game Show in my tenure as host.
When last I checked in, I was heading towards Warwick, Rhode Island and the Comedy Zone at the Showcase Cinemas. The drive from Rutland, Vermont wasn't very long, but it did take me through Boston. I think sometimes that directions provided by a GPS system or calculated by Mapquest, RandMcNally.com or some other service, are not the best directions because even though they calculate the directions as being the fastest or shortest routes, they don't take into account the rush hour traffic (or even general daytime congestion) that can occur in major metropolitan areas. As soon as I noticed that the GPS was sending me to Boston, I gritted my teeth, but kept on going because it was early afternoon and I figured I'd catch a break.
Well, as it turned out, I did catch a break and even though there was a slowdown or two, I wound up making it into Rhode Island with plenty of time to spare. I checked in to the hotel and didn't see many cars, but the hotel was full; that's because there was a college women's basketball tournament going on, and everyone had arrived on a single bus. And the whole time I'm sitting there thinking, "I'm in a hotel filled with female college basketball players, why didn't this shit ever happen when I was single?" Don't get me wrong, I love my wife, but her turnaround-jumper is for shit. Ha ha, just kidding, I love you honey, stop hitting me.
I was working at the Comedy Zone with fellow road dog Mutzie from New Orleans, Louisiana. Mutzie and I work a lot together, and I think that's part and parcel of the Comedy Zone's faith in us to deliver a great show. The room at the Showcase Cinemas was a new endeavor, and even though there had been comedy done in movie theaters before (Buffalo had the famous Como 8 comedy night, lovingly re-named the "Coma 8" by disenchanted Western New York comics for the less-than stellar turnouts and reactions from the sparse audiences), but this was a whole different animal. The Showcase Cinemas had literally turned one of their 16 screening rooms into a real comedy club, complete with tables down in the front, a great stage, beautiful sound and lighting, a full restaurant menu (not just popcorn, but they had that, too), and a liquor license! They really did the place up nice, and it was a joy to perform there. They had printed up really nice lobby cards, those big posters that you see in theaters that specialize in live theater, plays and stuff like that, and there in glorious color was my new headshot! After the weekend was over, the cards were going to be discarded in favor of the next week's performers, so Mutzie and I grabbed one each for a souvenir. It was really a great weekend, with plenty of folks coming in, many for the first time, and I think Mutzie and I made a good impression on them.
During the day on Saturday I did the road comic thing, getting up early to grab the complimentary continental breakfast and then doing laundry, and napping because I knew that Sunday morning I was going to need to beat some weather. A big snowstorm was coming, and I had one day to drive to my next game show date in Fort Wayne, Indiana. I got up early enough on Sunday to get coffee, jump in the van, and get out of town before the first snowflakes could hit the ground. I will compress the next 13 hours into as small a space as possible; I drove to Indiana, stopped for gas several times and also to use the bathroom, talked on the phone, listened to talk radio, and tried not to let the uninteresting terrain of Pennsylvania and Ohio hypnotize me into driving off of the road. When I reached the hotel in Fort Wayne, I was exhausted. Even though it's just driving in a van, it's pretty tough work, especially if you're sharing the road with truckers jacked up on coffee, energy drinks, truck stop amphetamines (caffeine pills, my ass) and deadlines with delivery incentives.
I got about 6 hours of sleep and woke up the next morning, not completely sure exactly where I was. Luckily, the Student Activities director at the college called my cell phone and I snapped back to current reality. My venue had been changed at the college, so I got up and bee-lined for the proposed area. There were some difficulties, as in, the cash booth that is the center piece of my game show didn't fit into the building I was assigned to do the show. I had been warned to expect this sort of thing and prepare in advance, so I used my vast improvisational skills to figure out how to do the show without it, and even though it was a small turnout, we had a great time, the students loved the show, and I got out of there with a feeling of job satisfaction that I had done the best job I could. In retrospect, it was good thing that I didn't have to load in the cash booth, because the standard rider on the college contract is that the school provides help to load the unit in. The single person who was assigned to me was a pregnant secretary. She was helpful, but that wasn't the "two helpers" I was expecting. Pre-natal volunteers rarely carry their own weight in such circumstances, as said weight is in the single digits.
After the show it was back east to Cleveland, Ohio, where I did a very exciting show at Cuyahoga Community College in the downtown area. The school was in the general vicinity of the Cleveland Improv comedy club, so I was somewhat familiar with the area. I caught a break in the morning as one of my pre-show duties is to visit a bank and replenish the cash that is necessary to put in the money booth, and broken into the correct increments. You can't just shove any amount of money you want in there, it has to be $500 and in the proper amount of bills. The hotel had a cash machine in their lobby, and after chatting with the folks at the desk, they told me that they were both willing and able to break the $20 bills that the ATM would provide into the bills that I would need. It saved me a trip, and I used the time savings to relax with the paper, some coffee, and a hot bowl of oatmeal (always working on my cholesterol, I am).
The real fun of the week was to happen the next day, in Middletown, Ohio, home of the Middletown campus of Miami of Ohio University. I got to the hotel just a little before 7 in the evening, in time to enjoy the manager's reception in the lobby, which garnered me free nachos. I put together a bowl with some nice hot cheese sauce (I somehow always undermine my efforts to work on my cholesterol) and retired to my room to enjoy movies on HBO and an early night's sleep. The next morning, I was up with the birds and ready to start my day.
I headed down to the breakfast area to put together a plate with some eggs, sausage, and a nice bowl of oatmeal. I grabbed some coffee and skim milk and set myself up at a table facing the wide-screen television in the breakfast room. I was enjoying my breakfast and the local newscast, when an older gentleman, probably in his 50's, sat down at the table next to me with his plate.
This gentleman had put together a huge amount of food, eggs, sausage, biscuits and gravy, and it was all chopped up together into a big mound. He was a portly type, with a clean flannel shirt, tucked into his jeans, and wearing a pair of wide suspenders. He had a bald head, but a big white beard that made me think of Santa Claus for some reason. He looked like a blue-collar type, and for some reason, I figured he was an electrician or something. The table he chose was parallel to mine, and he was facing the TV, and literally was no farther away from me than a foot. The tables in the breakfast area were quite close together.
After he put his plate down, he got up and changed the station on the TV, which immediately pissed me off. Shared television etiquette dictates that you can't just change the station without asking if anyone else was watching the program that was on (which I was), and also first-come, first-served comes into play as well. And to make matters worse? This son-of-a-bitch put on FOX NEWS. So now I am doubly pissed....he jumped the TV for his own purpose, fuck everyone else who was there first, and he's a right-wing conservative. I sat there and stewed in my own anger, because I never would have just assumed that I could switch off the local news and choose some left-leaning program that I would have liked, I would always have some sort of sense of decorum for those in the room that wouldn't enjoy such programming.
So I'm sitting there hating this contemptuous individual, and a lady in a sports jacket comes over and addresses him. "Sir, are you a hotel guest?"
And there's a pause. I know immediately that he's not a guest, and he just snuck in to cadge the free breakfast.
"I'm with (inaudible) up in room (inaudible)." He's sitting right next to me, I'm right there in the middle of this, and even though I know this guy's getting his comeuppance, I'm uncomfortable.
"Sir, the breakfast is a courtesy for our hotel guests. You can't help yourself AND YOU'VE BEEN TOLD THIS BEFORE." The son-of-a-bitch has done it before! I'm delighting in the embarrassment of the situation. I try not to smirk, finish my coffee and get the hell out of there.
Now, I'm not going to sit here and try to draw some parallel between people who watch Fox News and people who steal complimentary hotel breakfasts that they're not entitled to. But it's interesting, is it not, that this cat did what he did? He wandered in from off the street (and if he's done this before, he's a local resident), helped himself to some food he had no intention of paying for, commandeered the television set to his own liking, and sat there with no qualms.
It seems like a sense of entitlement to me. It seems like (at it's worst) THEFT. Conversion for personal gain. And this sense of entitlement, from a man who I assume because of his choice of Fox News, a conservative-leaning programmer, would rail against such things as the cost of this entitlement lays squarely on the backs of the people who PAY for lodging in the hotel. So much for individual achievement, huh? So much for the rejection of entitlements, Socialist ideas, the idea that everyone should be fed and cared for.
Coincidentally, there were some folks milling around in the breakfast area earlier, before Mr. Suspenders showed up, and they were speaking German, which I don't speak. But there is a German word, and you may have heard of it, known as Schadenfreude. Translated, this word means secretly delighting in the misfortune of others. I confess that I felt this as I made my way to the elevator, that this man who I don't like was found out to be a thief, a hypocrite, and was told off by the hotel staff. My show was fine, and there was an eight-hour drive home, and I whistled all the way.
I mentioned the story to my mother-in-law the next day, and she postulated that maybe the guy was homeless. Maybe he couldn't afford food. In truth, he was too clean and well groomed to make me think that he was indigent in any way, but that begs another question; why would a homeless guy be watching Fox News? The Right's whole shtick seems to be that if you're down on your luck, it's because you didn't work hard enough, and giving you a handout is hurting you because it will take away your impetus to work harder and do better for yourself.
It's hogwash, by the way. It assumes that everyone has equal access to the tools of success, and there's no such thing as bad luck. Tell it to someone who has a child with a catastrophic illness, a birth defect, a special need. Tell it to someone who just isn't mathematically inclined and gets enough B's on their high school transcript that they aren't eligible for an academic scholarship, but their family is also too well off to qualify for a needs-based scholarship. Tell it to someone who for a million different reasons, falls through the cracks and works as hard as they can, but still wind up with a bare-bones subsistence life.
Boy, wouldn't it be great if it were different? We could all afford our own eggs and sausage. We wouldn't worry about someone taking the toast off of our plate. "Why should I share my breakfast with that guy? I earned this breakfast. Tell him to get a job."
My breakfast was provided by the hotel, and the hotel room was paid for by the college I was performing at that day, as a part of my compensation. I worked for my breakfast. And here's the worst part of the story....if Mr. Suspenders was truly in need, truly hungry, homeless, down on his luck, his wife's in the hospital with breast cancer and her illness has drained their savings down to the last dime he had to spend on breakfast, if he had come up to me with any of those stories, I would have given him my breakfast. Regardless of his choice of television shows. I would have made up a plate for him, chopped up the sausage and eggs, put the gravy on, and sat with him outside in my van, heat blowing, while he ate his breakfast.
Because I love people. I hate to see people hurting. I hate to see them go without, to be down, to feel like no one's on their side. It's why I'm a Liberal. If I have ten dollars and you have nothing, then the truth is we both have five dollars and we're eating at Subway. And next week, maybe you'll have ten dollars and I'll be broke, but it won't matter because you'll honor our social compact and we'll be at Subway, having a sandwich and enjoying the feeling that says we're not alone today. It's why we live in cities, close to each other. It's why we have Neighborhood Watch (Socialist idea), neighborhood schools (Socialist idea), why we go to church together (Socialist, Socialist, Socialist) and donate to charities, and build playgrounds and let our children play together and why we work together. We are not alone. We don't rise and fall based on our own merits. We need each other.
Don't let anyone tell you different.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Meeting Across The River (Bruce Springsteen)
Thursday, February 26, 2009-11:55 P.M.
Good evening from the cold, snowy, wind-swept, frigid, warmth-challenged town of Rutland, Vermont, home of The College of St. Joseph (CSJ). I'm in the middle of the big tour, taking the Dash For Dollars Comedy Game Show out on the road, as well as my own hilarious comedy show.
This week, I knocked two more states out of the box, New Jersey and Vermont. Believe it or not, in 20 years of doing standup comedy, I'd never performed in either state, and they both border my home state of New York. Well, that monkey's finally off my back! I started out Sunday night heading south for Jersey, the town of Carneys Point to be precise, and even though it's in southern New Jersey, it is really a Philadelphia suburb. I got in rather late due to some unexpected weather that wasn't horrible but the snow was obfuscating the white lines on route 81 and I couldn't see a damn thing. By the time I got into New Jersey, everything was fine and I was off to the races.
The show went off fine, although I had to do some 11th hour prop-shopping. In the game show, we use several wacky props, and while most of them are re-used, some of them get consumed, like toilet paper and bubble gum. I set up my show, and then ran out for said props, returning with plenty of time to spare. The show was fine, but afterwards, I was bushed; I got in late the night before and really didn't wind up getting a good night's sleep, and coupling that with a 9 AM report time, I was pretty spent.
After the show, I dragged my feet and then finally packed up and headed for Newton, New Jersey, located in the northern part of the state. I didn't have a hotel reservation, as the college decided instead to provide me with a lodging stipend. The problem was that when I arrived, all the hotels were sold out. I wound up staying in a location slightly farther away from the college than I would have preferred, but even though it was a mom 'n' pop, they had wireless internet, a fridge and microwave in the room, and all the comforts of home. They even provided shampoo.....take *that,* Motel 6!
I had a day off so I used the time productively, getting the van an oil change, doing some writing, and mostly listening to and dissecting President Obama's address to Congress. Wednesday morning, I checked out and made my way to Sussex County Community College, where my reception was warm and welcoming. They even gave me a special parking tag that allowed me to basically park right up against the building where the game show was being staged, and that was quite appreciated. The cash booth is cumbersome enough, without considering a 25 gallon storage tote full of props, the tripods and frames for the backdrop and the vinyl backdrop itself, four hula hoops and a putter....it's a pain toting all that stuff in from parts unknown!
The Monday morning show was hard, and I expected that it would be. Monday mornings, it's hard to get motivated and excited. But the Wednesday show was like pulling teeth! I couldn't predict how difficult it would be to come onto a college campus and basically give away money, and get ignored like a guy at an off-ramp with a cardboard sign that said "Hungry-Homeless-Help." But there I was, begging for some sort of interaction with a crowd of students who couldn't be bothered. Oh well. Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.
After the show, I headed north to Rutland, Vermont, and the College of St. Joseph where I currently reside. No game show for me this evening, rather, my own headlining set. CSJ is a small college, but the people opened their doors to me and really made me feel welcome. The advantage of the size of the school is that everyone is on a first-name basis. The school provided me with on-campus accommodations, basically a dorm room, which was perfect. I got in Wednesday night and settled in, visiting the "downtown" area of Rutland in search of dinner and a LAN cord to take advantage of the internet connection in the dorms. I found a decent Chinese buffet, and after dinner, retreated to the dorm for a good night's sleep.
Today, I had lunch with Rob Lukaskiewicz, the gentleman in charge of student affairs and my gracious host. We had a nice chat and spoke of many things, including the challenges of parenthood, student involvement on college campuses, and the book I'm writing about standup comedy. He had his fingers crossed regarding the attendance of the show (the "town hall" meeting of the night before drew zero) and we were pleased that the total attendance fell just a few heads short of our goal. The show itself was staged in a beautiful 200-seat theater, and it was the type of venue I wish I had the opportunity to play in all the time. After the show, I chit-chatted with some of the students, then grabbed some sandwiches from the on-campus sub shop and retreated to my room to watch movies on DVD and of course, compose this blog.
Tomorrow, it's off to Warwick, Rhode Island, and a two-day engagement at the Comedy Zone (I've heard nothing but good things) and then Sunday is a day off to make it to Fort Wayne, Indiana for the game show. Tuesday and Wednesday I make my way back home with gameshow dates in Cleveland and Middletown, Ohio, and then Thursday night, I'll be judging the finals of the standup comedy competition back home in Rochester. Friday night, the game show runs back up to Canton, NY (my first repeat engagement since taking the gig) and then a weekend off before heading to Connecticut, West Virginia and Virginia. March is shaping up to be a very busy month, and that's fine with me. I love the stage and the opportunity to perform for appreciative audiences. And to be completely honest, I'm happy to have a job in a time when a lot of people don't, either for the want of a job or just having lost a good one. And I'm doubly lucky that it's a job that's so much fun, it doesn't even feel like work.
Stay warm....the winter's almost over.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Good evening from the cold, snowy, wind-swept, frigid, warmth-challenged town of Rutland, Vermont, home of The College of St. Joseph (CSJ). I'm in the middle of the big tour, taking the Dash For Dollars Comedy Game Show out on the road, as well as my own hilarious comedy show.
This week, I knocked two more states out of the box, New Jersey and Vermont. Believe it or not, in 20 years of doing standup comedy, I'd never performed in either state, and they both border my home state of New York. Well, that monkey's finally off my back! I started out Sunday night heading south for Jersey, the town of Carneys Point to be precise, and even though it's in southern New Jersey, it is really a Philadelphia suburb. I got in rather late due to some unexpected weather that wasn't horrible but the snow was obfuscating the white lines on route 81 and I couldn't see a damn thing. By the time I got into New Jersey, everything was fine and I was off to the races.
The show went off fine, although I had to do some 11th hour prop-shopping. In the game show, we use several wacky props, and while most of them are re-used, some of them get consumed, like toilet paper and bubble gum. I set up my show, and then ran out for said props, returning with plenty of time to spare. The show was fine, but afterwards, I was bushed; I got in late the night before and really didn't wind up getting a good night's sleep, and coupling that with a 9 AM report time, I was pretty spent.
After the show, I dragged my feet and then finally packed up and headed for Newton, New Jersey, located in the northern part of the state. I didn't have a hotel reservation, as the college decided instead to provide me with a lodging stipend. The problem was that when I arrived, all the hotels were sold out. I wound up staying in a location slightly farther away from the college than I would have preferred, but even though it was a mom 'n' pop, they had wireless internet, a fridge and microwave in the room, and all the comforts of home. They even provided shampoo.....take *that,* Motel 6!
I had a day off so I used the time productively, getting the van an oil change, doing some writing, and mostly listening to and dissecting President Obama's address to Congress. Wednesday morning, I checked out and made my way to Sussex County Community College, where my reception was warm and welcoming. They even gave me a special parking tag that allowed me to basically park right up against the building where the game show was being staged, and that was quite appreciated. The cash booth is cumbersome enough, without considering a 25 gallon storage tote full of props, the tripods and frames for the backdrop and the vinyl backdrop itself, four hula hoops and a putter....it's a pain toting all that stuff in from parts unknown!
The Monday morning show was hard, and I expected that it would be. Monday mornings, it's hard to get motivated and excited. But the Wednesday show was like pulling teeth! I couldn't predict how difficult it would be to come onto a college campus and basically give away money, and get ignored like a guy at an off-ramp with a cardboard sign that said "Hungry-Homeless-Help." But there I was, begging for some sort of interaction with a crowd of students who couldn't be bothered. Oh well. Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.
After the show, I headed north to Rutland, Vermont, and the College of St. Joseph where I currently reside. No game show for me this evening, rather, my own headlining set. CSJ is a small college, but the people opened their doors to me and really made me feel welcome. The advantage of the size of the school is that everyone is on a first-name basis. The school provided me with on-campus accommodations, basically a dorm room, which was perfect. I got in Wednesday night and settled in, visiting the "downtown" area of Rutland in search of dinner and a LAN cord to take advantage of the internet connection in the dorms. I found a decent Chinese buffet, and after dinner, retreated to the dorm for a good night's sleep.
Today, I had lunch with Rob Lukaskiewicz, the gentleman in charge of student affairs and my gracious host. We had a nice chat and spoke of many things, including the challenges of parenthood, student involvement on college campuses, and the book I'm writing about standup comedy. He had his fingers crossed regarding the attendance of the show (the "town hall" meeting of the night before drew zero) and we were pleased that the total attendance fell just a few heads short of our goal. The show itself was staged in a beautiful 200-seat theater, and it was the type of venue I wish I had the opportunity to play in all the time. After the show, I chit-chatted with some of the students, then grabbed some sandwiches from the on-campus sub shop and retreated to my room to watch movies on DVD and of course, compose this blog.
Tomorrow, it's off to Warwick, Rhode Island, and a two-day engagement at the Comedy Zone (I've heard nothing but good things) and then Sunday is a day off to make it to Fort Wayne, Indiana for the game show. Tuesday and Wednesday I make my way back home with gameshow dates in Cleveland and Middletown, Ohio, and then Thursday night, I'll be judging the finals of the standup comedy competition back home in Rochester. Friday night, the game show runs back up to Canton, NY (my first repeat engagement since taking the gig) and then a weekend off before heading to Connecticut, West Virginia and Virginia. March is shaping up to be a very busy month, and that's fine with me. I love the stage and the opportunity to perform for appreciative audiences. And to be completely honest, I'm happy to have a job in a time when a lot of people don't, either for the want of a job or just having lost a good one. And I'm doubly lucky that it's a job that's so much fun, it doesn't even feel like work.
Stay warm....the winter's almost over.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Monday, February 16, 2009
Used Cars (Bruce Springsteen)
February 16, 2009-8:05 P.M.
Wow. The days are starting to blend together, even more than they used to.
I've been staying busy, and I'm starting to wonder whether or not "burn out" is better than "rust out." God knows, I've done them both.
I only wound up doing one show at Pare Restaurant back on Saturday the 7th, but it was a good one. I worked with Rochester comics Dan Maslyn and Annette Lorenzo. The room was full, and set up just fine for comedy. I pulled out all of the air in my lungs and did an hour and 5 in the closing spot....I don't know what I'll ever be able to do to placate my love of the stage....when I get up there, I can't stop! It's a sickness! Still, it was a fine show with a lot of nice comments afterward.
Sunday morning, I packed and headed off to Buena Vista University in Storm Lake, Iowa, for another installment in the college tour of Dash For Dollars, the comedy game show. I drove all day, starting around 10:30 in the morning, and managed to escape the death-trap that is Chicago, Illinois. I was sure I would wind up hitting major traffic there, but Loren, my assistant (ok, she's the voice programmed into my Tom-Tom GPS) re-routed me further south so I didn't have to deal with it. I got in to the hotel around 2:30 in the morning, but I picked up an hour because of the time change. I slept well after the 16 hour drive, as you could imagine.
The next morning, I was up super-early, and hit the continental breakfast (you gotta love waffles) and actually attempted to hit the work-out room, but the treadmill was busted. I always have a weird feeling using hotel excercise equipment these days, as my friend Tiny expired about a year ago doing exactly the same thing. The hotel desk clerk claimed that the machine had been repaired, but I found it unplugged and when I plugged it in, it only worked for a minute or two and then the power shut off, and I decided that I didn't need more of a hint to pack it in for the day.
I checked out of the hotel and headed over to the college, where I wound up spending the day. I did a lunch-time teaser event, handing out t-shirts and money to promote the evening event, and then killed time. I set up the equipment for the show, ate lunch, and went to the bank to get the proper increments of currency for the money booth. After the show, the students from the Student Activities Board treated me to dinner and even gave me some burgers to go, and I hit the road. The first thing I did was to gas up, because Iowa is a long, wide and unforgiving state, and there is nothing happening between the major cities. There was some sort of windstorm hitting the area, and I pumped gas as the corrugated steel canopy above me at the gas station shook like it was about to come loose. The winds howled at me all the way east, and around midnight, I decided I'd had enough. My destination was a Motel 6 (the preferred accomodations of the Ralph Tetta national comedy and game show tour) and I found one in Cedar Rapids. Imagine my surprise when at check-in, the desk clerk punched my driver's license information into the computer and then announced that I'd stayed at that particular property before. In fact, almost two years earlier to the day. I had to think about it, and talking to my mother on the phone the next day, I realized it was the tour that killed my old Toyota Corolla back in 2007.
Tuesday, I drove back the rest of the way and managed to get home before midnight. I listened to so much talk radio I actually overdosed and by the end of the drive, I was searching frantically for a music channel that was playing something that I not only like but wasn't sick of yet. I've spent years working in radio and there's not a lot of music I can say that for. Lately I've been digging the Bruce Springsteen sattelite radio channel, but I know the day is going to come when I tell the Boss to take his job and shove it. It's probably going to take a long time for that to happen, because I have a ridiculous fascination with Bruce. I also agree 100% with his politics, so maybe I'll stay in the union for a while...and as long as the new albums keep holding up, I should be alright.
Thursday, I hosted at The Comedy Club in Webster, bringing the first group of semi-finalists for their in-house comedy contest to the stage, and finishing up by introducing Kris Shaw, a comedy buddy of mine from Indianapolis, Indiana. They asked me to do five minutes to warm up, and of course, I went over. It takes me five minutes to remember my jokes, much less tell them. Two of the four contestants tied, and will move on to the finals, Dan Maslyn and Pat Duffy. I'm judging again this Thursday, and I'm looking forward to seeing who else will advance.
Saturday, Pamela and I packed up the car, dropped Harmony over to my mother-in-law's house, and headed to the Western Ohio town of Beaverdam, for an evening comedy show on Valentine's Day. The trip got started about 90 minutes later than I had hoped, as wrangling my wife and daughter into the car is only slightly less challenging than herding cats. After much Andy Capp and Flossy fighting in the car, we made it to the Comfort Inn and I started getting ready, pressing my clothes, shaving, and getting ready for the 9 PM show. We hadn't had dinner and were trying to figure out where we could eat in a timely fashion, what with it being Valentine's Day, a Saturday, and a small town with limited options. We wound up having to go to Lima, the next largest town over, and after seeing a mob scene at the chain restaurants around the mall, opted for a Captain D's meal, which pleased my "vegetarian wife who still eats seafood" to no end (the actual term is pesce-vegetarian, but I like to call her a "pesty vegetarian"). We arrived at the club with plenty of time to spare and were pleased to see that there was a full boat in attendance.
I was working with Scott Dunn, a former Rochester home-boy (actually he worked in Batavia) who now makes his home in Indiana and he's a regular caller to the Bob and Tom radio show, and a draw in the midwest. I did my 35 minutes with relish, and had so much fun with the accomodating crowd that I had to cut set-ups and did the last 10 minutes as punchlines only. It wasn't really that bad, but it seemed like it in my head. I wound up getting a phenomenal reaction overall, the owner was pleased, and I sold a boatload of CD's and DVD's after the show. It was great.
On the trip home, we were frought with pitfalls every step of the way. I stopped at a gas station in front of the hotel to repleshish the window wash fluid in the car, and the hood wouldn't close. We drove the first 100 miles with the hood rattling and looking like it would fly up in our faces at any moment. We finally pulled into a Wal-Mart in Fremont, Ohio and got an oil change, which the car probably needed anyway (my wife's car has no documentation in that respect....no window sticker, no receipts, and no memory of when the service was done last). Along with the oil change came the added service of the technician properly clicking the hood down into a fixed position. I guess we're good until we have to get under there again, hopefully it won't be too soon. Then, of course, driving through Cleveland, we hit two pockets of snowfall that looked like we were dead in the water, and then they dried up as quickly as they came. It was bizarre. We finally made it home, and I can't remember when I've been this tired. I took all day today to rest and recuperate, and luckily, I have no obligations until Friday, and it shouldn't be a bad excursion. I'm a little concerned, because next week, the college tour really starts revving up, as well as a weekend in Rhode Island. I'll also be performing for the first time in the states of Vermont and New Jersey, two close-by states to New York that have thus far eluded my grasp.
Hopefully the weather will cooperate, and it will be an uneventful tour. I'm just glad to be working, to be honest.
Thanks for reading, and be good now.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Wow. The days are starting to blend together, even more than they used to.
I've been staying busy, and I'm starting to wonder whether or not "burn out" is better than "rust out." God knows, I've done them both.
I only wound up doing one show at Pare Restaurant back on Saturday the 7th, but it was a good one. I worked with Rochester comics Dan Maslyn and Annette Lorenzo. The room was full, and set up just fine for comedy. I pulled out all of the air in my lungs and did an hour and 5 in the closing spot....I don't know what I'll ever be able to do to placate my love of the stage....when I get up there, I can't stop! It's a sickness! Still, it was a fine show with a lot of nice comments afterward.
Sunday morning, I packed and headed off to Buena Vista University in Storm Lake, Iowa, for another installment in the college tour of Dash For Dollars, the comedy game show. I drove all day, starting around 10:30 in the morning, and managed to escape the death-trap that is Chicago, Illinois. I was sure I would wind up hitting major traffic there, but Loren, my assistant (ok, she's the voice programmed into my Tom-Tom GPS) re-routed me further south so I didn't have to deal with it. I got in to the hotel around 2:30 in the morning, but I picked up an hour because of the time change. I slept well after the 16 hour drive, as you could imagine.
The next morning, I was up super-early, and hit the continental breakfast (you gotta love waffles) and actually attempted to hit the work-out room, but the treadmill was busted. I always have a weird feeling using hotel excercise equipment these days, as my friend Tiny expired about a year ago doing exactly the same thing. The hotel desk clerk claimed that the machine had been repaired, but I found it unplugged and when I plugged it in, it only worked for a minute or two and then the power shut off, and I decided that I didn't need more of a hint to pack it in for the day.
I checked out of the hotel and headed over to the college, where I wound up spending the day. I did a lunch-time teaser event, handing out t-shirts and money to promote the evening event, and then killed time. I set up the equipment for the show, ate lunch, and went to the bank to get the proper increments of currency for the money booth. After the show, the students from the Student Activities Board treated me to dinner and even gave me some burgers to go, and I hit the road. The first thing I did was to gas up, because Iowa is a long, wide and unforgiving state, and there is nothing happening between the major cities. There was some sort of windstorm hitting the area, and I pumped gas as the corrugated steel canopy above me at the gas station shook like it was about to come loose. The winds howled at me all the way east, and around midnight, I decided I'd had enough. My destination was a Motel 6 (the preferred accomodations of the Ralph Tetta national comedy and game show tour) and I found one in Cedar Rapids. Imagine my surprise when at check-in, the desk clerk punched my driver's license information into the computer and then announced that I'd stayed at that particular property before. In fact, almost two years earlier to the day. I had to think about it, and talking to my mother on the phone the next day, I realized it was the tour that killed my old Toyota Corolla back in 2007.
Tuesday, I drove back the rest of the way and managed to get home before midnight. I listened to so much talk radio I actually overdosed and by the end of the drive, I was searching frantically for a music channel that was playing something that I not only like but wasn't sick of yet. I've spent years working in radio and there's not a lot of music I can say that for. Lately I've been digging the Bruce Springsteen sattelite radio channel, but I know the day is going to come when I tell the Boss to take his job and shove it. It's probably going to take a long time for that to happen, because I have a ridiculous fascination with Bruce. I also agree 100% with his politics, so maybe I'll stay in the union for a while...and as long as the new albums keep holding up, I should be alright.
Thursday, I hosted at The Comedy Club in Webster, bringing the first group of semi-finalists for their in-house comedy contest to the stage, and finishing up by introducing Kris Shaw, a comedy buddy of mine from Indianapolis, Indiana. They asked me to do five minutes to warm up, and of course, I went over. It takes me five minutes to remember my jokes, much less tell them. Two of the four contestants tied, and will move on to the finals, Dan Maslyn and Pat Duffy. I'm judging again this Thursday, and I'm looking forward to seeing who else will advance.
Saturday, Pamela and I packed up the car, dropped Harmony over to my mother-in-law's house, and headed to the Western Ohio town of Beaverdam, for an evening comedy show on Valentine's Day. The trip got started about 90 minutes later than I had hoped, as wrangling my wife and daughter into the car is only slightly less challenging than herding cats. After much Andy Capp and Flossy fighting in the car, we made it to the Comfort Inn and I started getting ready, pressing my clothes, shaving, and getting ready for the 9 PM show. We hadn't had dinner and were trying to figure out where we could eat in a timely fashion, what with it being Valentine's Day, a Saturday, and a small town with limited options. We wound up having to go to Lima, the next largest town over, and after seeing a mob scene at the chain restaurants around the mall, opted for a Captain D's meal, which pleased my "vegetarian wife who still eats seafood" to no end (the actual term is pesce-vegetarian, but I like to call her a "pesty vegetarian"). We arrived at the club with plenty of time to spare and were pleased to see that there was a full boat in attendance.
I was working with Scott Dunn, a former Rochester home-boy (actually he worked in Batavia) who now makes his home in Indiana and he's a regular caller to the Bob and Tom radio show, and a draw in the midwest. I did my 35 minutes with relish, and had so much fun with the accomodating crowd that I had to cut set-ups and did the last 10 minutes as punchlines only. It wasn't really that bad, but it seemed like it in my head. I wound up getting a phenomenal reaction overall, the owner was pleased, and I sold a boatload of CD's and DVD's after the show. It was great.
On the trip home, we were frought with pitfalls every step of the way. I stopped at a gas station in front of the hotel to repleshish the window wash fluid in the car, and the hood wouldn't close. We drove the first 100 miles with the hood rattling and looking like it would fly up in our faces at any moment. We finally pulled into a Wal-Mart in Fremont, Ohio and got an oil change, which the car probably needed anyway (my wife's car has no documentation in that respect....no window sticker, no receipts, and no memory of when the service was done last). Along with the oil change came the added service of the technician properly clicking the hood down into a fixed position. I guess we're good until we have to get under there again, hopefully it won't be too soon. Then, of course, driving through Cleveland, we hit two pockets of snowfall that looked like we were dead in the water, and then they dried up as quickly as they came. It was bizarre. We finally made it home, and I can't remember when I've been this tired. I took all day today to rest and recuperate, and luckily, I have no obligations until Friday, and it shouldn't be a bad excursion. I'm a little concerned, because next week, the college tour really starts revving up, as well as a weekend in Rhode Island. I'll also be performing for the first time in the states of Vermont and New Jersey, two close-by states to New York that have thus far eluded my grasp.
Hopefully the weather will cooperate, and it will be an uneventful tour. I'm just glad to be working, to be honest.
Thanks for reading, and be good now.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out (Bruce Springsteen)
February 6, 2009-9:35 P.M.
Helldrive 2009 is officially over. Actually, it's been over for almost a week now, but I had to get out from under some things here at home before I could even sit down and write about the experience.
Helldrive 2009 is just a cute nickname I gave a two-week tour that I just completed. I always used to say that once a year, I torture myself with a routing just to keep myself honest. Now, after 5 or 6 years of doing that, I've entrusted the task to others, to make sure it gets done with no screw-ups.
Helldrive 2009 started on Wednesday, January 21st. Ray Salah and I were tapped to be the judges for The Comedy Club's "Last Comic Sitting" contest (www.thecomedyclub.us) and it was an interesting night, to say the least. I spotted stolen material from every generation of comedian from Pat Cooper all the way up to some thinly concealed Jim Gaffigan. I spotted every one of them, including evergreen theft-pots David Brenner and Lenny Bruce. I guess the rationale is that these budding comic wanna-bes are the only ones who ever listened to these records and there's no way they're gonna get nabbed. Well, they all got nabbed and none of them won.
After the show, I dropped Ray off at his house and picked up Joel Lindley for an overnight drive to Huntington, West Virginia. I'll spare you the gory details other than we got there in time for Joel to be spirited off to a radio interview and I collapsed into my sleep-number bed at the Pullman Plaza. That night, after readjusting and napping, I began my slate of shows at the Huntington Funny Bone. All I can say is "wow." What a great room, great people, great staff, perfect sound and lights and stage. It was literally perfect as far as the stage being just the right size to stalk around, just the right height to be seen from everywhere in the room without rising too lofty, just everything was exactly as it should have been. I didn't have one show the whole week that I wanted back; every once in a while, I'll say something that I just shouldn't have said, and the whole show will go to shit. This week, I was like Rumpelstiltskin, weaving gold out of straw. The room really spoiled me for every other comedy club I've had the pleasure of playing.
The Funny Bone is in a downtown mall/entertainment complex, and they have a trade-out agreement with the movie theater. I got to see Clint Eastwood's "Gran Torino" and I have to say that it was just excellent. The movie wasn't entirely perfect, but it surely would have gotten a nine out of 10 from me if I were asked to rate it. If you're on the fence based on reviews you've seen or your own personal judgement of the trailers and previews, go see it and tell me I'm wrong that it was an excellent performance by Clint Eastwood. If you remember the movie "Heartbreak Ridge" that Eastwood did in the 80's, where he played Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Highway, this is like the continuing adventures of Gunny.
At the end of the weekend, namely Sunday night, Joel and I turned in our sets for the Sunday club-goers and bid farewell to snowy Huntington, piling into the car for the ride home. West Virginia was snowy and the roads were icy, winding and treacherous, but we made it home alive. I slept about two hours (!) and then got up, showered, and left again to hit the road. I picked up Ray and the van with the Dash For Dollars game show stuff in it and we headed towards Columbus, Ohio and Ohio Dominican University. Ray had even less sleep than I did, and opted to stay at the hotel and catch up with his shut-eye while I did the show. Running on adrenaline, caffeine and a sense of duty, I finished the show and returned to the hotel where I picked up Ray and we headed out for a late dinner. We found a family-style restaurant and some country cooking, and then returned to the hotel where I managed to fall asleep mid-sentence. I woke up at 5 in the morning with my stage clothes still on and my glasses askew.
The next morning, we headed off towards Chicago and managed to hit some of that horrible winter weather that was crushing the Midwest. We drove through Indianapolis, where they forgot what snowplows looked like, and pirouetted and sashayed all across the highway. By the time we reached Merrillville, Indiana, we bunked down for the night, figuring the next day would be easier as we were far enough north to be out of the storm. We got a good night's sleep and headed off early for Harold Washington College, which is located at the corner of Smack and Dab in downtown Chicago. To say that the city is congested is an understatement; parking is not only at a premium, it's expensive as hell. I wound up digging down for $50 (no lie) to park the van for the duration of my four hour work-day. The overhead train tracks wreaked havoc with my GPS and cell phone, and as hypnotizing as Chicago is from the skyline view you get when travelling west on the 90, I guess I wouldn't do very well living there with my sense of claustrophobia that I didn't even know I had.
The evening's dinner was Cracker Barrel, and food never tasted so good. It was damn near 5 PM and neither Ray nor I had eaten a bite since the day before. I had catfish and a loaf of biscuits and Ray had some sort of roast beef platter. Then we hit the road, traveling back through Indianapolis where I cashed in my Speedway loyalty card points and purchased gasoline for $1.17 a gallon. We headed south towards Cincinnati and finally, the highway turned to crap and we grabbed the first hotel we found, a Comfort Inn. The next day, we piloted our way through Kentucky and into Tennessee and some ice-storm ravaged country, but the roads were cleaned and salted and I guess it varies from community to community whether or not they can afford such luxuries as salt and plows, but the roads stayed clean well towards our final destination. We ate a Golden Corral buffet dinner (I know all the sweet restaurants, eh?) and had a little floor-show as a party who arrived just before we were about to leave bitched out a floor manager and a kitchen manager over an entire section of the restaurant that hadn't been bussed.....there were dirty dishes everywhere, and 90% of the patrons had tipped their server and gone. The young lady who was working point on this party of ten or more diners seemed nice at first, helping the one waitress who was working the section bus the tables and mentioning nicely that she had waitress ed before and knew how hard it was. They quickly cleared about three tables and shoved them together so that the party could sit down, and then she went into full puma mode, seeking out someone with a supervisor's name tag that she could dress down in the middle of the place. I looked down and away, and left my server another buck.
We kept moving until around midnight, and I managed to find a Motel 6 that I'd stayed at last year in Newport, Tennessee. It was just dumb luck that I stopped at that exit for gas, and started to recognize everything from my visit last summer. This was the town that I saw the first available midnight showing of The Dark Knight, and camped out two days in between engagements for The Comedy Zone in Clarksville and Johnson City, Tennessee. The Motel 6 is super clean, and offers free internet, and that's unusual for Motel 6's, they usually try to get you to pay around $3.50 for a day's use (which isn't bad, to be honest). The next morning, we chewed up the last few hours and motored towards Salisbury, North Carolina, and Catawba College, for the last date of the Dash For Dollars tour. We set up and did a "teaser" for the show in the student cafeterias, and then hung out and killed time for a couple of hours until showtime. We did the show, packed up the van, and headed for home, once again hitting horrible weather in West Virginia. It seemed that the high elevations were getting horrible snow, and then we'd come down a hill and everything was clear again. I drove until the Pennsylvania border and then pulled into a rest area for a couple hour's sleep.
By the time I woke up, it was daylight, and off we headed again. We stopped for gas at a Sheetz and grabbed some breakfast and dog-legged it the rest of the way home, pulling in at maybe 1 o'clock or so. But it didn't end there, because Ray's driveway was full of snow and we had to shovel a spot to stow the van. I don't know what energy I was tapping because I cleared the space out in what felt like about five minutes. I transferred all of my luggage into my waiting Camry and headed home. Pam and Harmony had gone out for some children's event, story time or some such thing, I can't really remember and to be honest, when she told me what it was, I was a zombie. I tried to sleep, but that wasn't happening. I laid in bed until the alarm rang, twitching with caffeine, Red Bull and coffee, and several dark cola drinks. I showered and dressed and headed to my evening engagement, two shows at a restaurant called Patti's Pantry.
Patti's Pantry is located on Dewey Avenue in Rochester, just minutes from where I grew up. I did two 50-minute shows to a mostly middle-aged group, and had a great time doing it. There was an added bonus as a few of my friends came out to see me; the first show, Jon "Lumpy" Dubner, his wife, and a couple of friends surprised me. Jon was a mainstay at Yuk Yuk's, the first full-time comedy club that Rochester ever had. He was always and continues to be a good friend and a person who is filled with the stuff that good karma is made out of. He took some pictures with his digital camera and posted and tagged them on Facebook and with apologies from the source material, they were pretty good.
Second show, my good friend Mark Block came out. Mark is a former co-worker of mine in the Great Lakes Entertainment productions of Joey and Maria's Comedy Wedding, Joey and Maria's 25Th Anniversary, and the Soapranos. He is also my tax preparer, and the first and only person who has ever invited me to Passover supper. We had a good time hanging out backstage, which was really just a smaller dining room away from the main dining room, and while I wished I could have spent more time with him, I was coasting on fumes after 10 days of running myself like a dog and had to get home. I was telling my wife how things went, when apparently I fell asleep in the middle of a sentence and woke up at 5 in the morning with my stage clothes still on and my glasses askew.
All day Sunday I felt like hell, bones aching, dry mouth from all the caffeine, and of course, hating the snow and the cold which feels like it will never end. I drifted in and out from the Super Bowl, not really caring to watch Pittsburgh outgun the Cardinals. It was like watching a schoolyard bully push around a kid with asthma, only in this story, the kid with asthma actually put up a decent fight towards the end. At the end of it all, my team won......THE E-STREET BAND.
Yesterday, the cycle ended as it began, Ray and I judged another week of the competition at The Comedy Club, and today, I finished compiling paperwork for my health insurance. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but the big machine starts up again on Saturday, where I do two shows in Rochester at PeRe (it's a club) and then hit the road to Buena Vista University in Storm Lake, Iowa. More of the same, but in a different order this time.
I hope the weather's good.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Helldrive 2009 is officially over. Actually, it's been over for almost a week now, but I had to get out from under some things here at home before I could even sit down and write about the experience.
Helldrive 2009 is just a cute nickname I gave a two-week tour that I just completed. I always used to say that once a year, I torture myself with a routing just to keep myself honest. Now, after 5 or 6 years of doing that, I've entrusted the task to others, to make sure it gets done with no screw-ups.
Helldrive 2009 started on Wednesday, January 21st. Ray Salah and I were tapped to be the judges for The Comedy Club's "Last Comic Sitting" contest (www.thecomedyclub.us) and it was an interesting night, to say the least. I spotted stolen material from every generation of comedian from Pat Cooper all the way up to some thinly concealed Jim Gaffigan. I spotted every one of them, including evergreen theft-pots David Brenner and Lenny Bruce. I guess the rationale is that these budding comic wanna-bes are the only ones who ever listened to these records and there's no way they're gonna get nabbed. Well, they all got nabbed and none of them won.
After the show, I dropped Ray off at his house and picked up Joel Lindley for an overnight drive to Huntington, West Virginia. I'll spare you the gory details other than we got there in time for Joel to be spirited off to a radio interview and I collapsed into my sleep-number bed at the Pullman Plaza. That night, after readjusting and napping, I began my slate of shows at the Huntington Funny Bone. All I can say is "wow." What a great room, great people, great staff, perfect sound and lights and stage. It was literally perfect as far as the stage being just the right size to stalk around, just the right height to be seen from everywhere in the room without rising too lofty, just everything was exactly as it should have been. I didn't have one show the whole week that I wanted back; every once in a while, I'll say something that I just shouldn't have said, and the whole show will go to shit. This week, I was like Rumpelstiltskin, weaving gold out of straw. The room really spoiled me for every other comedy club I've had the pleasure of playing.
The Funny Bone is in a downtown mall/entertainment complex, and they have a trade-out agreement with the movie theater. I got to see Clint Eastwood's "Gran Torino" and I have to say that it was just excellent. The movie wasn't entirely perfect, but it surely would have gotten a nine out of 10 from me if I were asked to rate it. If you're on the fence based on reviews you've seen or your own personal judgement of the trailers and previews, go see it and tell me I'm wrong that it was an excellent performance by Clint Eastwood. If you remember the movie "Heartbreak Ridge" that Eastwood did in the 80's, where he played Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Highway, this is like the continuing adventures of Gunny.
At the end of the weekend, namely Sunday night, Joel and I turned in our sets for the Sunday club-goers and bid farewell to snowy Huntington, piling into the car for the ride home. West Virginia was snowy and the roads were icy, winding and treacherous, but we made it home alive. I slept about two hours (!) and then got up, showered, and left again to hit the road. I picked up Ray and the van with the Dash For Dollars game show stuff in it and we headed towards Columbus, Ohio and Ohio Dominican University. Ray had even less sleep than I did, and opted to stay at the hotel and catch up with his shut-eye while I did the show. Running on adrenaline, caffeine and a sense of duty, I finished the show and returned to the hotel where I picked up Ray and we headed out for a late dinner. We found a family-style restaurant and some country cooking, and then returned to the hotel where I managed to fall asleep mid-sentence. I woke up at 5 in the morning with my stage clothes still on and my glasses askew.
The next morning, we headed off towards Chicago and managed to hit some of that horrible winter weather that was crushing the Midwest. We drove through Indianapolis, where they forgot what snowplows looked like, and pirouetted and sashayed all across the highway. By the time we reached Merrillville, Indiana, we bunked down for the night, figuring the next day would be easier as we were far enough north to be out of the storm. We got a good night's sleep and headed off early for Harold Washington College, which is located at the corner of Smack and Dab in downtown Chicago. To say that the city is congested is an understatement; parking is not only at a premium, it's expensive as hell. I wound up digging down for $50 (no lie) to park the van for the duration of my four hour work-day. The overhead train tracks wreaked havoc with my GPS and cell phone, and as hypnotizing as Chicago is from the skyline view you get when travelling west on the 90, I guess I wouldn't do very well living there with my sense of claustrophobia that I didn't even know I had.
The evening's dinner was Cracker Barrel, and food never tasted so good. It was damn near 5 PM and neither Ray nor I had eaten a bite since the day before. I had catfish and a loaf of biscuits and Ray had some sort of roast beef platter. Then we hit the road, traveling back through Indianapolis where I cashed in my Speedway loyalty card points and purchased gasoline for $1.17 a gallon. We headed south towards Cincinnati and finally, the highway turned to crap and we grabbed the first hotel we found, a Comfort Inn. The next day, we piloted our way through Kentucky and into Tennessee and some ice-storm ravaged country, but the roads were cleaned and salted and I guess it varies from community to community whether or not they can afford such luxuries as salt and plows, but the roads stayed clean well towards our final destination. We ate a Golden Corral buffet dinner (I know all the sweet restaurants, eh?) and had a little floor-show as a party who arrived just before we were about to leave bitched out a floor manager and a kitchen manager over an entire section of the restaurant that hadn't been bussed.....there were dirty dishes everywhere, and 90% of the patrons had tipped their server and gone. The young lady who was working point on this party of ten or more diners seemed nice at first, helping the one waitress who was working the section bus the tables and mentioning nicely that she had waitress ed before and knew how hard it was. They quickly cleared about three tables and shoved them together so that the party could sit down, and then she went into full puma mode, seeking out someone with a supervisor's name tag that she could dress down in the middle of the place. I looked down and away, and left my server another buck.
We kept moving until around midnight, and I managed to find a Motel 6 that I'd stayed at last year in Newport, Tennessee. It was just dumb luck that I stopped at that exit for gas, and started to recognize everything from my visit last summer. This was the town that I saw the first available midnight showing of The Dark Knight, and camped out two days in between engagements for The Comedy Zone in Clarksville and Johnson City, Tennessee. The Motel 6 is super clean, and offers free internet, and that's unusual for Motel 6's, they usually try to get you to pay around $3.50 for a day's use (which isn't bad, to be honest). The next morning, we chewed up the last few hours and motored towards Salisbury, North Carolina, and Catawba College, for the last date of the Dash For Dollars tour. We set up and did a "teaser" for the show in the student cafeterias, and then hung out and killed time for a couple of hours until showtime. We did the show, packed up the van, and headed for home, once again hitting horrible weather in West Virginia. It seemed that the high elevations were getting horrible snow, and then we'd come down a hill and everything was clear again. I drove until the Pennsylvania border and then pulled into a rest area for a couple hour's sleep.
By the time I woke up, it was daylight, and off we headed again. We stopped for gas at a Sheetz and grabbed some breakfast and dog-legged it the rest of the way home, pulling in at maybe 1 o'clock or so. But it didn't end there, because Ray's driveway was full of snow and we had to shovel a spot to stow the van. I don't know what energy I was tapping because I cleared the space out in what felt like about five minutes. I transferred all of my luggage into my waiting Camry and headed home. Pam and Harmony had gone out for some children's event, story time or some such thing, I can't really remember and to be honest, when she told me what it was, I was a zombie. I tried to sleep, but that wasn't happening. I laid in bed until the alarm rang, twitching with caffeine, Red Bull and coffee, and several dark cola drinks. I showered and dressed and headed to my evening engagement, two shows at a restaurant called Patti's Pantry.
Patti's Pantry is located on Dewey Avenue in Rochester, just minutes from where I grew up. I did two 50-minute shows to a mostly middle-aged group, and had a great time doing it. There was an added bonus as a few of my friends came out to see me; the first show, Jon "Lumpy" Dubner, his wife, and a couple of friends surprised me. Jon was a mainstay at Yuk Yuk's, the first full-time comedy club that Rochester ever had. He was always and continues to be a good friend and a person who is filled with the stuff that good karma is made out of. He took some pictures with his digital camera and posted and tagged them on Facebook and with apologies from the source material, they were pretty good.
Second show, my good friend Mark Block came out. Mark is a former co-worker of mine in the Great Lakes Entertainment productions of Joey and Maria's Comedy Wedding, Joey and Maria's 25Th Anniversary, and the Soapranos. He is also my tax preparer, and the first and only person who has ever invited me to Passover supper. We had a good time hanging out backstage, which was really just a smaller dining room away from the main dining room, and while I wished I could have spent more time with him, I was coasting on fumes after 10 days of running myself like a dog and had to get home. I was telling my wife how things went, when apparently I fell asleep in the middle of a sentence and woke up at 5 in the morning with my stage clothes still on and my glasses askew.
All day Sunday I felt like hell, bones aching, dry mouth from all the caffeine, and of course, hating the snow and the cold which feels like it will never end. I drifted in and out from the Super Bowl, not really caring to watch Pittsburgh outgun the Cardinals. It was like watching a schoolyard bully push around a kid with asthma, only in this story, the kid with asthma actually put up a decent fight towards the end. At the end of it all, my team won......THE E-STREET BAND.
Yesterday, the cycle ended as it began, Ray and I judged another week of the competition at The Comedy Club, and today, I finished compiling paperwork for my health insurance. I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders, but the big machine starts up again on Saturday, where I do two shows in Rochester at PeRe (it's a club) and then hit the road to Buena Vista University in Storm Lake, Iowa. More of the same, but in a different order this time.
I hope the weather's good.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
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