Tessie (Dropkick Murphys)

Well, it's that time of year again, and that means that baseball season has started. And it's time for me to come clean to the American public, and state, for the record, THAT I HATE BASEBALL.

Always have. It's a fucking pox. It's a shitty game. Boring as hell, puffed up on it's own self-importance, and followed by the shallowest of human beings.

The big arguments are widely held, even by fans and people in the baseball industry. And yet they blindly soldier on, drinking beer, eating peanuts, and keeping track of statistics. Well, let's take a look at this bullshit game that stopped being the "national pastime" sometime during the Nixon administration.

1. THEY PLAY TOO MANY GAMES. 162 games a year, to be precise. Well, let's do the math...that's double the games that hockey and basketball teams play in a season, and about ten times the number of games a football team plays. So basically what you're telling me is that a team could dump a ton of games in the crapper, and still be considered one of the best. All sports is frivolous, but baseball seeks to make frivolity an art form. Let's cut the season down to a reasonable number of games so that individual games actually mean something. I think baseball sucks, so I'd be satisfied with every team playing every other team once and then start the playoffs. Hell, NFL teams go eight years before they go through the rotation and play every other team, and they have the same number of teams.

2. BASEBALL IS NOT A TEAM SPORT. When it comes down to it, the game is a face off between a pitcher and a batter. And most of the fielding team doesn't even move once a ball is put in play. You want to liven the sport up for Ralph Tetta? You want to get me involved? Get rid of the benches, and let the batter's team hang out on the field. Easy out, pop fly? The batter has a guy right there to push the fielder out of the way and prevent him from catching the batter "out." Or, he could catch the ball, and then the batter's team plays a spirited game of "keep away" while the batter rounds the bases. Either way, you've got a sport that's fun to watch and challenging to play. Now that I've chimed in with my plan for improvement, regular baseball sounds like shit, doesn't it? You're god damned right it does.

3. THEY CALL THE CHAMPION SHIP "THE WORLD SERIES." And all the teams are from the United States, unless the Toronto Blue Jays somehow sneak into the playoffs. The only thing "world" about the series is that there are usually a butt-load of South American and Asian guys on the teams, and what does that say about the game when Asian guys are athletic enough to make the team?

4. THE MANAGERS WEAR UNIFORMS. Fucking ridiculous. Granted, it's rooted in tradition when the manager of a team would also be a player, but again, how stupid does some old fat guy look trotting out in pinstripes? It's as out of place as the 14-year-old kid who rings your door at Halloween looking for candy, and it needs to go. And how about updating the look of the uniforms, anyway? A baseball team looks like a busload of douche bags in their pajamas...they're not on their way to a physical contest, it's nap time.

5. THE ALL-STAR GAME IS PLAYED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON. Not to be disparaging, but is that really fair to all the players? A guy who's picked as an "all-star" could shit the bed in the second half, or a rookie player could hit his stride and start streaking after being passed over. Fuck if we're gonna be so nonchalant about the placement of the All-Star game, play the fucking thing in the winter. During Christmas week, when everyone's out of town for the holidays.

6. DOUBLE HEADERS. Let's face it, if you can play two games in a day, it's not even physically strenuous enough to be called a sport. And what happens when your team wins one and loses the other? What are you supposed to do, celebrate and mope?

Baseball appeals to people who like statistics. You know who else likes numbers that much? Accountants. And everyone knows what a bag of laughs they are. Baseball is an out-of-date system that we keep in place for some misguided traditionalism, like the Electoral College. It has no place in society, and takes more than it gives. Congress actually got side-tracked from dealing with real issues like war and the economy to try and figure out if players had used steroids or not. I demand a recount.

Baseball is light on action. If you want to play up the strategy aspect of the game, here's a one-word rebuttal.....chess. My amplified answer is "Chess, motherfucker." During an NFL contest, every player on the field is in motion. During an NBA or NHL contest, every player is in motion until the period is over. In baseball, there's a lot of standing around.....talking......and scratching. Sometimes, the manager and the catcher take a stroll out to the mound for a sidebar. YAWN.

Some of the teams are named after laundry. The Boston Red Sox? You do realize that this nick-name is only one generation removed from calling themselves the Boston White-Striped Boxer-Briefs. Lame, lame, and more lame.

In closing, I will offer one positive observation about baseball, just so you baseball lovers won't think I'm all bad. Baseball has provided people like me who don't like guns an alternate form of home security in the baseball bat. It's way more effective than trying to chase off home invaders with a hockey stick or a ping-pong paddle.

Play ball.

Ralph Tetta
Rochester (Red Wings), NY