Thursday, May 29, 2009
11:45 P.M.
Just going down memory lane on a rainy, muggy night in Rochester. Ray Salah accompanied me to my last "Dash For Dollars" show of the season down in New Jersey on Wednesday, and for two days, we laughed and talked about the past.
Ray and I have been friends since I met him at Yuk Yuk's Comedy Club in Rochester back in May of 1988. We've been friends for 21 years, played countless shows together, and this summer, we're going to be doing something new, an improv show targeted towards families with children looking for entertainment options for their kids.
After two days in the car talking about all the stuff we've been through, I found a folder full of pictures, including a picture of our friend, Tiny Glover, who passed away last year. I also found folders full of jokes I'd written, hoping at one point to start my own "morning radio joke service" to funnel material at that market. I also found a folder full of poems that I wrote during a time when I was black-balled from the only comedy club in town, Hiccup's, and the only stage time that Ray and I could get was the Pure Kona open mic poetry night at Java Joe's. The black-balling basically occurred because there were two clubs in town, and Hiccup's didn't want me working at the other club, but the other club treated me better so I went with them, and then they went out of business, turning me into a man without a country.
Looking through the joke folder first....wondering what dusty gems lay in waiting....
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David Letterman returned to the Late Show on February 21st after undergoing quintuple bypass surgery. All that work, and they didn't do anything about his teeth.
The TV show ratings leader this week was ABC's "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" UPN is introducing a knock-off of the popular show called "Who Wants To Get Their Heat Turned Back On?"
Magician Doug Henning passed away on February 7th. Six pallbearers carried his casket to the grave site, and then sawed it in half.
Every year on George Washington's birthday, they have a mattress sale. Shouldn't they have it on Bill Clinton's birthday?
Monica Lewinsky's book tour is causing anger all over America. Democrats are mad because she disgraced the President. Her parents are mad because she embarrassed the family. Even her dentist is mad at her because he can't get her to spit.
A women's basketball league is being introduced for fans who can't get enough of the NBA. The WNBA promises the players are just as good as in the NBA, but they wear one more pad.
Wal*Mart is expanding it's presence in Europe, where it is taking over 21 supermarkets in Germany. No word yet on whether or not they're planning a Berlin Wal*Mart.
A ring of Canadian counterfeiters was caught trying to pass phony U.S. bills here in the states. They were caught when it was noticed that the $1 bill featured George Jefferson.
Thousands of Chinese-made condoms were returned to China as defective because an hour after you use them, you're still horny.
Business leaders in Hawaii are trying to stimulate business in the 50th state with a program called "Thumbs Up, Hawaii." New York state has a similar program, except it's not a thumb.
The National Support Group for Bulimia is having their annual fund-raising spaghetti dinner this Saturday. Dinner will be served at 7:00, 7:30, 8:00, 8:30, 9:00, 9:15, 9:20.....
The World Series contest this year will feature the Cleveland Indians and the Atlanta Braves. Tickets are only available through scalpers.
The mayor of Charleston, West Virginia was reprimanded for using city workers to repave his home driveway. He was caught when the crew painted a double yellow stripe down the middle of it.
Hugh Grant is selling the car he picked up prostitute Divine Brown in. He's going to take the money and buy an Escort.
It's a true fact: the first fortune cookie ever was manufactured in the United States. And the first fortune was "Inspected by #5."
A study by the American Medical Association shows that men who masturbate regularly are less likely to develop prostate cancer. But they suffer from a malady called "penis elbow."
The town of Preston, Mississippi has discontinued their recycling program because they're tired of reading the same newspapers over and over again.
A study at Johns Hopkins University shows that the poorest-selling flavored condom is peanut butter. Consumers didn't like it because it sticks to the roof of their mouth.
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Wow. Say what you want, at least I never stopped working.
The poetry was, in a lot of circumstances, standup comedy disguised as poetry. Here's a taste.
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Tradition 5/20/94
"Eat it,"
my buddy said-
the worm at the bottom of the bottle;
"it'll be cool."
So I ate it.
It was bitter
and nasty
and I felt sick instead of cool.
I don't hang around with Larry anymore
and tomorrow I'm writing a letter of complaint
to the Heinz Tomato Ketchup company.
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Well, that's enough for tonight. Maybe I'll share some more next time. I'm off until Thursday when I'll be at the Cleveland Improv, which I'm looking forward to.
Take care, and thanks for reading.
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Delicious (Rod Stewart)
Sunday, May 17, 20092:30 A.M. EDT
The house is quiet.
Good evening, dear reader, or God Save Us, good morning, if you should rise so early. It's 2:30 in the morning and mommy and baby have both gone to bed, leaving daddy to his own devices, tip-tapping at the computer keyboard, searching the internet for all manner of information, gossip and drivel. It then occurred to me that I hadn't checked in with you in quite some time, and lo, it's almost been a month! Where has the time gone off to....
When last I reported, I was in a hotel room in Storm Lake, Iowa, preparing to perform for an all-night after-prom party for a small high school in Newell, Iowa. I was a little worried about the show, not that I wouldn't be funny, but that I could find the right balance of dirt. Youthful audiences crave blue material, and the adults who look after them fear it. One complaint, carefully worded, and an individual is out looking for a new job. Nobody needs that. I'm glad to say that the feedback that evening was excellent, and a follow-up by my college agent confirmed the same. I had a great time with the kids, and think I might pursue the position of professional commencement speaker. I think I'd be great in that role. If only I could inspire as many protesters as President Obama, then I'd really be on to something. Let's face it; if everyone agrees with you 100% of the time, you're either a pandering abjurer or a simpleton with nothing to contribute to the dialogue.
The drive the next day was a rainy one, and I was glad I was able to get my brakes done. The only thing worse than driving on wet pavement is driving on same without adequate brakes. The sun started shining through just a little before the Illinois border, and the rest of the trip was without incident. I arrived at the McCamley Park hotel in Battle Creek, Michigan, got myself cleaned up, ironed some clothing and headed over to Gary Field's Comedy Theater to participate in the annual Relay For Life benefit show for cancer relief. We had a great turnout, with every seat sold and dynamite performances from Gary Fields, John Face, Kathie Dice, Chris Young and Mike Evitts. I have done this event three times, and they keep asking me back, and I try to mix up my material because I don't want to get repetitious...one line got a woman to walk. Actually, she didn't care for the joke and was verbal in her criticism, and I whacked her the way I would any heckler. Hey, if you don't like the joke, sit down and shut up, everyone else laughed! Sometimes, majority rules whether you like it or not.
On Monday, I dragged my feet getting up to my college agency's office in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and after a few minutes making nice with the agents, I headed north to Petoskey, Michigan getting ready for a show at North Central Michigan University. I stopped along the way to go to a KFC restaurant because they were running their "free piece of the new grilled chicken" promotion (this was before the Oprah coupon debacle, if you've been following that) and my review is that the grilled chicken is pretty tasty, but it is grilled, not fried, so make sure you have a beverage on hand because it can get a little dry. I am of the opinion, however, that dry chicken is good because that means it's cooked all the way through, and I've had undercooked chicken and the nausea and vomiting that follow. I'll take it dry, thanks, and pass the Diet Coke.
The next morning, I headed over to the college and the battery light on my dashboard started to flicker to life, just as the needle on the battery charge indicator started dipping down to the "negative" sign. Just as I pulled into the college parking lot, the vehicle died. Long story short, alternator. I did a quick "teaser" event to promote the Dash For Dollars show, and then started working the phone to get the Automobile Club to send a tow-truck. Good news, there was a repair shop just a couple of blocks over, and the show wasn't for six hours. I unloaded all of the game show gear, and just as I was finishing, the AAA driver showed up. He hauled the van down to the repair shop, and there was only one other car in front of me, so it got fixed up in about 90 minutes, maybe less. I headed out to lunch, and then made my way back to campus. I set up the game show set, and then started trolling around the campus handing out dollar bills and promoting the evening show. The gambit worked, and the place was just packed! Nothing guarantees a good show like a big, full audience. Any kind of show, for that matter, is better with a crowd. The funniest comedian in the world can't rock two people, not without tickling them, anyhow. Give me a couple hundred and I'll show you a good time, I tell you what.
I had a couple of days off back at Grand Rapids where I stayed with Bill Smith, my college agent. I bummed around and did laundry and some administrative tasks I'd been putting off, like some basic bookkeeping and computer file maintenance. E-mails build up if you're constantly putting them in the "respond to later" file, but never responding to them. On Thursday afternoon, I brought in lunch for the office as a small token of thanks to the men and women who keep me employed. Every day, make a friend, I say. I found a great sandwich shop right near the office called "Broadway Subs" and the banner outside the shop said something about New Jersey so I decided right there that the food would be good, because New Jersey is an Italian outpost, and Italians know from the cold cuts. Germans know bologna and liverwurst, and maybe Muenster cheese, and after that, feh. I'll stick with the guineas on this one, thanks. I ordered up a sandwich tray and got some sodas and trotted it into the office in the pouring rain. Still, an army marches on their stomach. And if you're ever in Grand Rapids, get yourself one of those Broadway subs, they are De*Lish! I went back the next day and got a monster pastrami and provolone, and it was possibly the best ever. Then I went and saw "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" and it was awesome. Thursday night, I was invited to dinner by one of the agents and a couple of his buddies, and we hit BD's Mongolian Barbecue, a small chain restaurant that has locations all over Michigan. The four of us had a great time chatting over comics, movies, TV shows, and all the stuff that nerds like us go for. The company was good, the food was great, and before we knew it, we'd been sitting there for four hours. I don't socialize much, so it was nice to get out and do the "hang around" thing. By the way, BD's is De*Lish.
Friday night, I headlined a show at Shots Bar, Grill and Pizzeria, and it was fun, until some old sourdough truck driver named Charlie started making the rounds to every table and shaking hands like he was running for office. I tried to get him to sit down, but he seemed oblivious to the idea that we were doing a comedy show, and the next thing I knew, I was "stuck in the tar baby," trying to shut up a guy who was intoxicated AND southern. Pinch me, mama, I'm dreamin'! I drove home Saturday after a nice omelet breakfast at Bill's house. I'll say this for Bill Smith, he whips up a great plate of eggs considering I never see him eat anything. Earlier in the week, I brough over a package of bagels and he had whipped up a spread with real horseradish and garlic, and Neufchatel cheese. De*Lish, I say.
In case you're wondering, I'm trying to get "De*Lish" trademarked, so don't start using it, see?*
I was home for the first time in three weeks, and I hit the stage again, this time at The Comedy Club in Webster, performing for the benefit of the family of Tiny Glover, one of my good comedy friends who had died last year. I performed with Danny Liberto, Jamie Lissow, Pat Duffy, Dan Viola, and a few other guys I'd never met before, and I took the lead-off position. Tiny was a good guy, and I've talked about him in this space before so I'm not going to run over the same old ground again, but it felt good to perform in that event.
After a few days off, I was in the car again, with Ray Salah in tow, headed for Johnstown, Pennsylvania. I headlined a show at the Pony Club Lounge with special guest Spark Man. We had a thinner-than-usual attendance due to the Pittsburgh Penguins being in the NHL playoff against whomever they were playing, and folks stayed away in droves. We had a good show regardless, but there's something about a mostly empty room that's hard to get over. The next day, it was up to Strykersville, NY and a comedy benefit show for the troops at the Six Star American Legion Post. Weather and construction delays had caused me to show up at the club just a few minutes after our scheduled showtime, but I was going last on the bill so it didn't much hurt us. The room was sold out and the show was great (food was good, too) and again, I was happy to be included. Kudos to my co-stars, Josh Smith and Steve "The Nuclear Guy" Natarelli, who helped round out the evening. We would up raising $1,000 for the post, which wasn't bad considering Strykersville isn't that big a town to begin with.
I did my second-last game show date of the season on Friday in Madison, Indiana at Ivy Tech Community College. I was performing for the graduating class, and it was a phenomenal show. I caught a lucky break as the school had a freight-sized elevator that was big enough to get the Incredible Cash Cube up to the second level where the performance was, but we still had to call maintenance to get them to remove a door to get it into the room. The girl who was the grand-prize winner was pregnant, and I felt kinda good about that, because I know how much diapers and other "new baby" expenses are. I drove back all day Friday and after a lazy day here at the house (it rained and was pretty crappy so I stayed inside), I went out to the Comedy Club where two of my friends, Jason Russell and Ray Salah, were performing this weekend. They talked me into doing guest spots both shows (seriously, try to keep me off stage) and the crowds were a little stiff, but it was fun to go up and try some new material. After a while, I had to quit screwing around and do some of the "A" material, but that felt too much like work.
I've got ten days off before my last game show date of the season, and in the middle of that, I'm doing a cancer benefit here in Rochester (that will be my sixth benefit show this year) and then my club schedule revs up for June. In July, Ray and I are planning to do some family-friendly improv shows at the Comedy Club as we've had great success with the show for years doing First Night Celebrations in Binghamton and Buffalo, and want to branch out. In addition, I'm going to start teaching comedy classes again, and maybe that will be the impetus to finish my book about the subject. No matter what, I'm going to stay busy and try to enjoy some family time while I'm doing it.
It's cold and rainy, which doesn't feel like May, but it's gonna be hot soon enough. Enjoy what you have, when you have it.
*De*Lish is a trademark of Inner Loop Comedy Productions, copyright pending
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
The house is quiet.
Good evening, dear reader, or God Save Us, good morning, if you should rise so early. It's 2:30 in the morning and mommy and baby have both gone to bed, leaving daddy to his own devices, tip-tapping at the computer keyboard, searching the internet for all manner of information, gossip and drivel. It then occurred to me that I hadn't checked in with you in quite some time, and lo, it's almost been a month! Where has the time gone off to....
When last I reported, I was in a hotel room in Storm Lake, Iowa, preparing to perform for an all-night after-prom party for a small high school in Newell, Iowa. I was a little worried about the show, not that I wouldn't be funny, but that I could find the right balance of dirt. Youthful audiences crave blue material, and the adults who look after them fear it. One complaint, carefully worded, and an individual is out looking for a new job. Nobody needs that. I'm glad to say that the feedback that evening was excellent, and a follow-up by my college agent confirmed the same. I had a great time with the kids, and think I might pursue the position of professional commencement speaker. I think I'd be great in that role. If only I could inspire as many protesters as President Obama, then I'd really be on to something. Let's face it; if everyone agrees with you 100% of the time, you're either a pandering abjurer or a simpleton with nothing to contribute to the dialogue.
The drive the next day was a rainy one, and I was glad I was able to get my brakes done. The only thing worse than driving on wet pavement is driving on same without adequate brakes. The sun started shining through just a little before the Illinois border, and the rest of the trip was without incident. I arrived at the McCamley Park hotel in Battle Creek, Michigan, got myself cleaned up, ironed some clothing and headed over to Gary Field's Comedy Theater to participate in the annual Relay For Life benefit show for cancer relief. We had a great turnout, with every seat sold and dynamite performances from Gary Fields, John Face, Kathie Dice, Chris Young and Mike Evitts. I have done this event three times, and they keep asking me back, and I try to mix up my material because I don't want to get repetitious...one line got a woman to walk. Actually, she didn't care for the joke and was verbal in her criticism, and I whacked her the way I would any heckler. Hey, if you don't like the joke, sit down and shut up, everyone else laughed! Sometimes, majority rules whether you like it or not.
On Monday, I dragged my feet getting up to my college agency's office in Grand Rapids, Michigan, and after a few minutes making nice with the agents, I headed north to Petoskey, Michigan getting ready for a show at North Central Michigan University. I stopped along the way to go to a KFC restaurant because they were running their "free piece of the new grilled chicken" promotion (this was before the Oprah coupon debacle, if you've been following that) and my review is that the grilled chicken is pretty tasty, but it is grilled, not fried, so make sure you have a beverage on hand because it can get a little dry. I am of the opinion, however, that dry chicken is good because that means it's cooked all the way through, and I've had undercooked chicken and the nausea and vomiting that follow. I'll take it dry, thanks, and pass the Diet Coke.
The next morning, I headed over to the college and the battery light on my dashboard started to flicker to life, just as the needle on the battery charge indicator started dipping down to the "negative" sign. Just as I pulled into the college parking lot, the vehicle died. Long story short, alternator. I did a quick "teaser" event to promote the Dash For Dollars show, and then started working the phone to get the Automobile Club to send a tow-truck. Good news, there was a repair shop just a couple of blocks over, and the show wasn't for six hours. I unloaded all of the game show gear, and just as I was finishing, the AAA driver showed up. He hauled the van down to the repair shop, and there was only one other car in front of me, so it got fixed up in about 90 minutes, maybe less. I headed out to lunch, and then made my way back to campus. I set up the game show set, and then started trolling around the campus handing out dollar bills and promoting the evening show. The gambit worked, and the place was just packed! Nothing guarantees a good show like a big, full audience. Any kind of show, for that matter, is better with a crowd. The funniest comedian in the world can't rock two people, not without tickling them, anyhow. Give me a couple hundred and I'll show you a good time, I tell you what.
I had a couple of days off back at Grand Rapids where I stayed with Bill Smith, my college agent. I bummed around and did laundry and some administrative tasks I'd been putting off, like some basic bookkeeping and computer file maintenance. E-mails build up if you're constantly putting them in the "respond to later" file, but never responding to them. On Thursday afternoon, I brought in lunch for the office as a small token of thanks to the men and women who keep me employed. Every day, make a friend, I say. I found a great sandwich shop right near the office called "Broadway Subs" and the banner outside the shop said something about New Jersey so I decided right there that the food would be good, because New Jersey is an Italian outpost, and Italians know from the cold cuts. Germans know bologna and liverwurst, and maybe Muenster cheese, and after that, feh. I'll stick with the guineas on this one, thanks. I ordered up a sandwich tray and got some sodas and trotted it into the office in the pouring rain. Still, an army marches on their stomach. And if you're ever in Grand Rapids, get yourself one of those Broadway subs, they are De*Lish! I went back the next day and got a monster pastrami and provolone, and it was possibly the best ever. Then I went and saw "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" and it was awesome. Thursday night, I was invited to dinner by one of the agents and a couple of his buddies, and we hit BD's Mongolian Barbecue, a small chain restaurant that has locations all over Michigan. The four of us had a great time chatting over comics, movies, TV shows, and all the stuff that nerds like us go for. The company was good, the food was great, and before we knew it, we'd been sitting there for four hours. I don't socialize much, so it was nice to get out and do the "hang around" thing. By the way, BD's is De*Lish.
Friday night, I headlined a show at Shots Bar, Grill and Pizzeria, and it was fun, until some old sourdough truck driver named Charlie started making the rounds to every table and shaking hands like he was running for office. I tried to get him to sit down, but he seemed oblivious to the idea that we were doing a comedy show, and the next thing I knew, I was "stuck in the tar baby," trying to shut up a guy who was intoxicated AND southern. Pinch me, mama, I'm dreamin'! I drove home Saturday after a nice omelet breakfast at Bill's house. I'll say this for Bill Smith, he whips up a great plate of eggs considering I never see him eat anything. Earlier in the week, I brough over a package of bagels and he had whipped up a spread with real horseradish and garlic, and Neufchatel cheese. De*Lish, I say.
In case you're wondering, I'm trying to get "De*Lish" trademarked, so don't start using it, see?*
I was home for the first time in three weeks, and I hit the stage again, this time at The Comedy Club in Webster, performing for the benefit of the family of Tiny Glover, one of my good comedy friends who had died last year. I performed with Danny Liberto, Jamie Lissow, Pat Duffy, Dan Viola, and a few other guys I'd never met before, and I took the lead-off position. Tiny was a good guy, and I've talked about him in this space before so I'm not going to run over the same old ground again, but it felt good to perform in that event.
After a few days off, I was in the car again, with Ray Salah in tow, headed for Johnstown, Pennsylvania. I headlined a show at the Pony Club Lounge with special guest Spark Man. We had a thinner-than-usual attendance due to the Pittsburgh Penguins being in the NHL playoff against whomever they were playing, and folks stayed away in droves. We had a good show regardless, but there's something about a mostly empty room that's hard to get over. The next day, it was up to Strykersville, NY and a comedy benefit show for the troops at the Six Star American Legion Post. Weather and construction delays had caused me to show up at the club just a few minutes after our scheduled showtime, but I was going last on the bill so it didn't much hurt us. The room was sold out and the show was great (food was good, too) and again, I was happy to be included. Kudos to my co-stars, Josh Smith and Steve "The Nuclear Guy" Natarelli, who helped round out the evening. We would up raising $1,000 for the post, which wasn't bad considering Strykersville isn't that big a town to begin with.
I did my second-last game show date of the season on Friday in Madison, Indiana at Ivy Tech Community College. I was performing for the graduating class, and it was a phenomenal show. I caught a lucky break as the school had a freight-sized elevator that was big enough to get the Incredible Cash Cube up to the second level where the performance was, but we still had to call maintenance to get them to remove a door to get it into the room. The girl who was the grand-prize winner was pregnant, and I felt kinda good about that, because I know how much diapers and other "new baby" expenses are. I drove back all day Friday and after a lazy day here at the house (it rained and was pretty crappy so I stayed inside), I went out to the Comedy Club where two of my friends, Jason Russell and Ray Salah, were performing this weekend. They talked me into doing guest spots both shows (seriously, try to keep me off stage) and the crowds were a little stiff, but it was fun to go up and try some new material. After a while, I had to quit screwing around and do some of the "A" material, but that felt too much like work.
I've got ten days off before my last game show date of the season, and in the middle of that, I'm doing a cancer benefit here in Rochester (that will be my sixth benefit show this year) and then my club schedule revs up for June. In July, Ray and I are planning to do some family-friendly improv shows at the Comedy Club as we've had great success with the show for years doing First Night Celebrations in Binghamton and Buffalo, and want to branch out. In addition, I'm going to start teaching comedy classes again, and maybe that will be the impetus to finish my book about the subject. No matter what, I'm going to stay busy and try to enjoy some family time while I'm doing it.
It's cold and rainy, which doesn't feel like May, but it's gonna be hot soon enough. Enjoy what you have, when you have it.
*De*Lish is a trademark of Inner Loop Comedy Productions, copyright pending
Ralph Tetta
Rochester, NY
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