Liar

Liar                                                       3301

Tuesday, January 31, 2006-12:38 A.M.

Weekend recap for Wisecrackers, Scranton, PA.

When last you checked in with me, gentle reader, I was rather sick and had just piloted my way across Pennsylvania (west to east...the hard way).  Saturday's shows with host John Ager and headliner Jimmy Graham were a mixed bag of the hard knocks of the comedy business...first show was a dream, second show was a nightmare.

During the first show, we had a contingent of the "Red Hat" society in attendance...I've experienced these groups before, and they are a lot of fun.  I played around with them, and one of the ladies even bought my DVD after the show.  I was doubting sincerely that she even had a DVD player, and then she said "This will play on my computer, won't it?"  She totally blew my stereotype.  I guess I had it coming...I've done the same thing to people in the past, looking like a heavy-metal meat-head, and then showing off my literacy.

Second show, it was the "cut 'n' run" laughers who came out in droves.  After the show, Ann, the club manager, said at one point it looked like I fell off my bicycle.  I told her I not only fell off my bicycle, I ditched it in a gravel driveway and skinned both knees.  Damn, it was terrible!  Actually, I was getting laughs, but they were so stilted, I never got a rhythm going.  During the headliner's set, I went to my room, packed my suitcases and headed to the car...I had a four-hour drive home, and I wanted to start as quickly as possible.

The ride home was uneventful...I stopped for a few bathroom breaks, once for fuel, and still made it home in 3 1/2...that's a warrior's spirit, right there.  I'd had three days of intestinal flu, and all I wanted was the comfort of home.  I even took the time to bullshit with the night crew at Burger King....I asked them if anyone really ever ordered the Triple Whopper.  The stock answer, apparently, is no.  You can't order that burger, anyway....you'd have to be able to unhinge your jaw like a python just to take a bit of the damn thing.

Sunday was a day of complete rest...I don't think I got out of bed, except maybe twice...I was a spent cartridge, tired in body and mind.  I get sick about twice a year, and I'm for crap for the duration of the illness.

Today, Pam, Harmony and I tried to get back into the routine with a trip to the post office, the bank and a few shopping stops, and somewhere along the line, Harmony got sick.  She might have gotten the bug from me, or possible one of the rhotaviruses that are going around, but she can't keep any fluids down and started vomiting in the checkout line of the supermarket (sorry, Stoneridge Wegman's).  The last time she had this, we weren't out of the woods for about 7 to 10 days.  I hope that an older, stronger baby will shuck this disease quicker...it stands to be a pisser if she doesn't.

I don't leave again for tour until Thursday night...I got the call to do morning radio on Friday (not sure why the headliner isn't available, but I said I'd do it) so if you're in the Allentown, PA area around 7:00 Friday morning, tune in to WZZO and maybe you'll hear me.  I sincerely hope that Harmony's feeling better, because I'll feel pretty guilty leaving Pam with a sick baby to care for all by herself.

Well, tomorrow's the big State of the Union address, and I'm eager to listen to the address live and really soak it in instead of reading it the next morning and depending on the cable news soundbites to get the feel of the thing.  I've been deeply interested in politics lately, and I want to get more in tune with what's happening on the national stage.  Maybe I'll share some of my insights in the next blog....actually, try and stop me.

Suggested reading this month:  I picked up a copy of "Big Lies" by Joe Conason.  Joe is a national correspondent for the New York Observer, and writes a daily on-line journal in Salon.  His book is quite an eye-opener on the positioning of politics and policy in Washington, and shows (with significant proof) that a lot of the things we hear are only half-truths, if they contain any truth at all.  It's a good book that moves well, and I enjoyed it.  One note; there are so many sources to be credited in the back of the book, you think you have a few chapters left when the book actually ends.

The baby's sleeping now, and soon, mommy and I will be, too.  Thanks for reading, and drop a line if you wish....I think it would be cool to share around some "reader mail."  Write at YuksOnMe@aol.com.  You can ask questions, make comments, or share your lists with me.  I have a movie list that I'll be posting later this week...I think you'll be amazed how much (or how little) you know about American cinema.

Sleep tight, readers.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Sick As A Dog

Sick As A Dog                3268

Saturday, January 27, 2006-12:31 A.M.

Scranton, Pennsylvania.  Well, I'm finally here.  Of course, I feel so crappy, they should draw a chalk outline around me.

Wednesday, the day before I hit the road, I had flu-like symptoms that included "losing it" from both ends.  It cleared up in time for me to hit the road and work the show in Ohio on Thursday night, but apparently, I wasn't out of the woods.

I woke up at 5:30 A.M., and couldn't stop "Ralphing."  I had a seven-hour drive in front of me, and I needed to get myself together quick.  After I had pretty much eliminated everything in my system (and left housekeeping a nice tip for their troubles), I grabbed some Diet 7-Up (no ginger ale to be had in Ohio, I guess) and hit the road.  I was afraid to eat anything, so all I had all day was Pepto-Bismol, water, and Diet 7-Up.  Not a good combination for a person who leans toward hypoglycemia.  The last couple hundred miles, I felt sleepy and woozy, and at one point, I caught myself racing down route 80 in Pennsylvania going 100 miles per hour.  I didn't even know my car could go that fast...it was impressive.

I got to the hotel in time to have a nice two-hour nap (only got the four hours of sleep, so it was completely necessary), and had a nice shower and was right on time for the 9:00 P.M. show with Jimmy Graham and John Agers.  I've worked with both of these guys before, and we had a lot of fun.  Scranton's own Brad Cox dropped in and did a guest spot, and we talked comedy after my show.

I was tired, but got through my show pretty well.  They gave me a nice salad to take back to the room, and so far, it's stayed down, but my fingers are still crossed.  Maybe after a good night's sleep, I'll feel better.  There's two shows tomorrow (or tonight, however you look at it), and then I'll probably drive home...it's only four hours back to Rochester and the weather's mild, so I'll take advantage of it.

Have a good day!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

All Apologies

All Apologies                                             3261

Friday, January 27, 2006-12:16 A.M.

Good evening from East-Central Ohio, where I worked with Bert "Chili" Challis at the Canal House in Tuscarawas, Ohio.  There's no hotels in Tuscarawas, so we're staying in nearby Urichsville.  We are a short hop, skip and a jump from the Clark Gable birthplace, and I'd stop tomorrow on the way to Scranton, but frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.

It was a good show and the folks at the Canal House treated us well, tossing us extra cash for gas.  It was a class gesture, and I believe one that bears acknowledgement.  Also, I was offered a little dinner on the house, so I decided to try the award-winning barbecued ribs.  I'm not going to tell you that they were good, I'm just going to let the facts speak for themselves...I got rib sauce in my hair.  Yeah, they were that good.

This morning when I left Rochester, it was 15 degrees out, with a wind chill of 8.  That's butt-ass cold, I don't care who you are or where you come from.  I made good time getting down here to Ohio, where it's still cold, and I'm pretty exhausted.  Cold weather really whups on me sometimes...I'm at the age where it's starting to get into my bones.  I'm ready to really get into some world-class sleep.

But before I sign off, I have to offer up a public apology.

Back in September, Steve Burr and I happened to be staying at the Funny Bone condo in South Bend, Indiana.  While Steve was out, I looked in his engagement book that was laying on the coffee table. 

This was a heinous invasion of Steve's privacy and was unforgiveable, and I apologize to Steve in this public forum.  I was completely out of line.

I could sit here and tell you that my motives were harmless, but that doesn't matter.  I invited myself where I wasn't welcome, and it was wrong.  Steve and I have been buddies for a long time, but that didn't give me the right to do what I did.

Steve, buddy, I'm totally sorry.

I will accept my lumps like a man.  Go ahead and let me have it, people.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Got The Time

Got The Time                                                      3231

Wednesday, January 25, 2006-1:53 A.M.

There's an old Yiddish proverb; Man plans, God laughs.  Or to make a perfectly short line even longer (my stock in trade), Life is what happens while you're making other plans.

I can't believe that January, the month I'd been dreading, is almost in the bag.  I had big dreams about what I was going to accomplish with 2006, and I hit the ground running, but all I did was stand still.

I still have to get RalphTetta.com up and running.  So far, I've done nothing to make it happen, and getting that website was my New Year's resolution last year....how bad is that?  Also, I've come to a standstill as far as getting new clubs on board, which begs the question...if my entire schedule is full all the time, should I even be worried about adding new clubs?  I mean, I could always solicit better work, but when I started this road thing, the trick was making sure that I worked every week (can't support a family without a weekly income, I say).  So if I'm working every week, and paying my modest bills, how intent should I be on getting into new clubs?  Road work is road work, and is it really worth getting bent out of shape that I can't get (insert club here) to return my phone calls or even acknowledge that they received my DVD and promo pack?  I'm going to say "no" here, although I can't help but feel differently about it.

I've got about three other projects I want to pursue, but where's the time?  I've gotten greedy about spending time with my wife and daughter, to the detriment of my career.  Not that everything isn't going fine, but I constantly hear that clock ticking.  It's not a real clock, either, just one that I've set for myself.  I keep feeling older than I really am, like at some point I'm no longer going to be welcome on a comedy club stage because of my age...which is ridiculous, because every week I work with someone older than myself.  I need to shake it off and get into some sort of a routine.  Maybe that should be my New Year's resolution for 2006.  Set some simple goals and stick to them.  I know I post a lot of journal entries, but they're all done in the middle of the night, when there's not a lot of business going on.  Maybe I'm sleeping the wrong hours.  Ah, hell.

Nothing to report other than a couple of nice days together with the family, running errands and visiting older relatives and friends on the mend.  We did lunch over at Pam's grandmother's house, and went to go see our friend Crystal who is home convalescing after surgery.  Harmony turned out to be a little ray of sunshine in both instances...she's got bags of charisma, and she's not even speaking conversationally yet.

Yesterday I went to pay my insurance bill ($104, in case you're interested, Steve...I have no secrets) at State Farm, and the receptionist got a little lippy with me.  I don't respond well to that sort of thing.

Her:  Can I help you?

Me: (smiling)  Yes, hello!  I'm here to pay my monthly.

Her:  Do you have your bill?

Me:  (still smiling)  No, I don't.  I pay in person every month, so I usually just stop in on my day off.

Her:  (frowning)  Well, they want the bill, so you'd better start bringing it from now on.

Me:  (paying the cash)  Well, if they want the bill, then just keep it here instead of mailing it to me.  I always pay in person, so then it would be here when I come in.

Her: (getting tired of my seemless logic)  Sure, we'll just keep everyone's bill here on file for them.

Me:  (still smiling)  No, I mean just *my* bill.  I pay in person, I'm sure everyone else mails theirs in, or pays on the internet.  I have no problem asking for special treatment.

Her:  (thinking I'm joking and lightening up)  I'll run it by my supervisor and see what they say.

Me:  (still smiling)  Thank you for your help today!  I'll see you again in a month!

If your job sucks so bad that you don't realize you're making a customer angry or uncomfortable, which I was, hence the sarcasm (veiled as innocence and naivette), then you need to get another job.  And while I realize that being a receptionist in an insurance company's branch office probably doesn't live up to the glamour you'd expect, you still have to do the dance when the paying clientele come in.

I'd lodge a complaint with my agent, but who has the time?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

Working Man

Working Man                                                      3208

Monday, January 23, 2006-4:25 A.M.

The muscles in my back and legs are screaming!

Wrap-up on the weekend...got a little treat in the form of one Tom Anzalone, the worst guitar act ever, who hosted for Jim Dailakis and myself at the Syracuse location of the Lake Ontario Playhouse.  Tom is actually a great singer and guitarist, and I hadn't seen him since his last appearance at the Comix Cafe in Rochester when I was runnin' the joint.  Tom's been doing children's entertaining and was recently showcased on National Public Radio...do a Google search for "Mr. Songflower" and you can read all about him.

First show was a delight...the room was almost packed, better than Friday night, and the show went well.  Second show, there was a weird energy, capped off by the third consecutive show where nobody was sitting at the front center table.  I freaked out a little bit and started riffing wildly, leaving the stage, standing on chairs, going to the back of the room, ditching the microphone and just talking to the audience to get back into a rhythm.  Come to find out, the table was extremely wobbly, and no one wanted to sit there...it's bad enough when you have to pull the old restaurant scam of throwing a batch of napkins under one leg to get it straight, but this thing was ready for the woodpile.  A guest named Doris set me straight on what the problem was, as she was offered the table when she and her date were seated, and after seeing how bad the table was, declined.  Doris works for Hunt Real Estate, and my shameless plug goes out to her...if you have real estate needs in the Syracuse area, look her up   Her number is 315-637-5700, ext. 9329.

On the way home, I ran into Comix Cafe owner J.J. Parrone at a rest-stop on the New York State Thruway.  He was coming back from a night's recreation at the Turning Stone Casino (no word on how he did, but he was smiling and buying food....and that could very well have been the reason for the smile).  We had a nice chat, and then parted ways when he hit the road, and I stuck around to savor the flavor of $2.56 a gallon unleaded.  I guess the supplies are short again, or that impeachment talk that brought prices down a few months ago has cooled off.  All I know is that nationally, temperatures have been warm and mild, which should bring usage of heating oil down, which should send prices down as well, assuming that supply stays constant.  I guess the rules of supply and demand don't count when you're dealing with the oil business.  Go figure.

So Sunday morning, I rolled out of the rack around 11:30 after a nice 7-hour's sleep, and my wife decided that today would be a good day for me to put in the new kitchen floor.  I picked up the materials weeks ago, and was waiting for a good day to install it, and today was as good as any.  It was a nice diversion from having to see the lousy Pittsburgh Steelers and their granite-jawed asshole of a coach advance to the big game.  I watched clips of the Steeler's victory later in the day when I took a break, and my biggest thrill was watching them dump the ice bucket on Bill Cowher at the end of the game, and imagining that the thing was filled with my uirine.  You get your happiness where you can, I say.

The work of putting in a kitchen floor is basically pretty easy.  My task was a little more difficult due to the age of the house we live in and the condition of the old flooring.  I had to take up the rug in sections (yeah, we had a rug in our kitchen...not a shag or anything, although it would have hid the crumbs better), then pry up the old tile with a trowel, then sweep and clean the surface, and lay down the new tile.  I used the peel 'n' stick kind, so the going was pretty quick, and I was slowed only by having to cut around fixtures, and then realizing I needed another box of tiles around 4 hours in.  The trip back to Big Lots was a nice break, and I picked up a little Chinese food for Pam, Harmony and myself.  After a little chicken fried rice, it was back on my knees to do the final portion of the floor, the section under the refrigerator.  Well, I'm no Bob Vila, or even Norm Abrams, but by 9:30, the kitchen looked great and every muscle in my back, arms and legs was throbbing.  At 39 years of age and easily 140 pounds over my ideal weight, an undertaking of this order is just beyond my physical reach.  I slept a few hours, but woke up to take another pain pill and decided to catch up on my journal.  I plan on sleeping well tomorrow, and then getting back on the phones to start booking May, June and July (February, March and April are full). 

I hurt, but I have to admit that doing a job like that makes me feel alive.  I don't have a lot of know-how, so when I can do a project like this, I feel really accomplished.

Have a great week!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Highway Star

Highway Star                                 3191

Saturday, January 21, 2006-3:49 A.M.

Liberals Laugh Louder!

Did a show in Syracuse, NY with one V.J. Stanley in tow.  V.J. was guest-spotting for Mike Kinnie, the owner/booker of the Lake Ontario Playhouse in Sackett's Harbor, NY, as well as Geneva, NY, Syracuse, NY and Troy, NY.

V.J. did a great job in the opener spot, nailing a 5-to-7 minute set in just about 6 and a half.  His closing bit got an applause break....can't get better than that, huh?

When I arrived, Mike asked me to omit a piece of material.  It's a bit about analingus.  O.K., no problem.  He said "Don't do that bit tonight.  As a matter of fact, don't do it in any of my rooms."

I was a little surprised.  Mike has always said that he likes my act, and I've never had a problem getting booked in any of his locations.  Point, I was the opening weekend of his Geneva room.  That's a measure of trust, as far as I'm concerned.

Now, I haven't done the bit in about six weeks.  I didn't consciously drop it, but there's certain markets where you just know that graphic sexual material isn't going to please the audience....the South, the Midwest, etc.  I ditched it (didn't really need the bit), but felt kind of weird about it.  I like to go that route if the audience really looks like they've let their guard down and are willing to play.  In really liberal towns like Madison, Wisconsin, I've actually gotten really favorable feedback about the piece, because I walk the audience all the way around the bit, rather than slamming them over the head with it.  It's really a tasteful presentation, if I can be trusted to be objective about my own act.

We cleared out after my set and drove back to Rochester, where I picked up comedy buddy Ray Salah and headed over to the Little Theater to do warm-up for a midnight screening of the film "The Aristrocrats."  The set went well, even though I had to do the old "draw the numbers from the hat" bit to give away copies of the DVD.  I got the crowd to do some audience participation in reciting the swear words as a group, starting out with "damn it all" and graduating up the the big "C" word.  It was a fun time, and I took advantage of knowing that the crowd was full of Granola types, so I bashed conservatives and their willingness to piss away freedom of speech and expression.  When I left the stage, the audience was eating out of my hand.  Except for the big bull dykes that were sitting far away from the rest of the crowd who I mocked and said they were quarantined like they had SARS.  Thank God they won a DVD or they probably would have kicked my ass.

Two shows in two cities in one night...I know that's not a record or anything, but I always over-romanticize stuff like that.  It was only a 90-mile ride on the New York State Thruway, but in my mind, I'm Phil Collins playing Live Aid in London, and then taking a Concorde to Philadelphia to play a set at the other one.

Fuck you, it's my story and I'll tell it like I want to.  Using whatever language I see fit.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

57 Channels

57 Channels                                   3163

Thursday, January 19, 2006-4:11 A.M.

Owning a lot of underwear is a license not to do laundry that often.  Theoretically, if you owned 122 pairs, you'd only have to do laundry three times a year.

Regardless, I've been a laundry-doing machine these last few days, to the detriment of the growing stack of dishes in the sink.  The downside of being home is that I get complacent about housekeeping...I'm not working until Friday night, and the gig's only an hour and a half away in Syracuse, so there's *plenty* of time to get the simple household chores done.

Today was promo day...I mailed out headshots and updated bios to the major bookers that I get most of my comedy work from.  It's good to keep them updated, and make sure they have plenty of headshots, although sometimes I think they don't necessarily send them out to the clubs I'm performing at...I'm beginning to think that some of them are just rolling my promo and using them as cheap fireplace logs.  Heating oil *is* expensive, you know....

At the post office today, I got a gasp from one of the clerks...I was trying to fish out exact change from the pile of coins in my pocket, and I vapor locked...I literally looked at the money in my hand and didn't know how much I had.  When I recovered, I told the clerk that I flaked, and I felt like that one guy they fished out of the mine in West Virginia.  She laughed and gasped at the same time, that uptight laugh that says "I find that funny, but I can't really laugh or you'll think that I'm as bad as you are."  Why don't people lighten up?  I swear to God, some people walk around with sphincters so tight you couldn't get a toothpick up there with a jackhammer.  What's the benefit to living a joyless life?  If I wanted to me a monotonous drone, I'd go work at the United States Post Office.  Or become Lutheran.....

I was at the Post Office today mailing out my promo, but also mailing out a few packages.  I make a little side living selling books and CDs on the internet on a website called www.half.com.   It's an arm of eBay, and instead of bidding on product, you just list the stuff, and the people whowant it buy it, pay for the shipping, and after half.com takes their commission, they direct deposit the funds into your checking account.

Well, last week in Michigan, Dobie Maxwell and I walked around the mall in Battle Creek (Mid Rivers Mall?) and I went into an FYE store, and they had clearance CDs for a quarter each.  Twenty-five cents.  Four for a buck.  Yeah, the titles were a little sketchy, but that's the beauty of it....folks who want those out-of-the-mainstream titles are willing to pay a good dollar for them, because you can't just waltz into a store and find them.  The pride of the treasure trove was a solo disc from ex-Guns 'n' Roses guitarist Izzy Stradlin that I listed for $14.  The sale of that disc will easily pay for the princely $5 I dropped.  The biggest turkey of the batch was Morton Downey, Jr. sings.  Morton Downey Jr. was a talk-show host, sort of a gonzo precursor to Bill O'Reilly.  Morton was an asshole, and he would pick a fight with anyone, from Christian ministers to Nazi skinheads.  He seemed to hate everyone.  Well, his CD collection of standards isn't even listed in the catalogue, and I bought two copies, so I can't even offer them for sale.  If you're interested in buying one, send me a dollar and I'll make sure it gets to you in time for Valentine's Day.

I cross-post this journal on AOL and on www.comedysoapbox.com.  I have no idea who's reading me, but AOL gets about 40 or 50 hits between entries, and the comedy soapbox site seems to be getting ten times that amount.  I enjoy reading the blogs on comedy soapbox, but it doesn't seem like there's very many comics that aren't operating outside of NYC or Los Angeles except me.  And I really don't get the vibe that any of the comics are making a full-time living at comedy, except for a very few.  I took a call from a fellow comic from the Boston area today, and we talked comedy for about half an hour.  I'm no elder statesman, but I've been doing the comedy thing since 1988, and the cat was just starting out, so I was happy to share some anecdotes and pointers.  He's doing his first paying gig this weekend, and I hope it's a smashing success.

Finally, I found out that NBC is bringing back "Last Comic Standing" this summer, and I'm excited about it.  I didn't get involved in the audition process until late in the game in the second season, when they pretty much had casted the show and there wasn't a chance to get in.  I eagerly awaited the third season, and then they did that "first season-second season" playoff format that sucked so bad it got the show canceled.  I'm definitely going to try to get involved with the new season if there's any way possible.  I think I would be good on the program, especially the weekly tests; I have an improv background and I think well on my feet.  And it would be a great shot in the arm for my comedy career.

If it happens, it happens, and if it doesn't, it doesn't.  I'll still be doing what I'm doing, which is what I love, if I don't get on, but if I do, wow.  Hey, there's always hope.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY