Who Made Who

Who Made Who                                                    1871

Friday, September 30, 2006-11:48 P.M. CDT

Technology hates me.  Cars, cell phones, laptop computers and vending machines have all conspired against me this week.  But I am unscathed.  The lowest human being is still better than the best machine.

O.K., it's not as bad as all that, but it's pissing me off pretty bad.

The week started out crappy in western Nebraska, South and North Dakota, where I had a tough time getting a cell phone signal.  I remember when I first started doing comedy, it was all about pay phones, and you made sure you had quarters before you left the house in case you had to make a call.  Cell phones made us dependent, and now when you can't get a cell, it's like you're cut off from the world like Gilligan.

Traffic is a bitch....I had to drive through Minneapolis yesterday to get to La Crosse, Wisconsin, and back through today to get to St. Cloud, Minnesota.  I got mutilated by traffic jams both times.  Yesterday, it was a crash that closed off one lane.  O.K., I understand.  Today, it was just idiot drivers hitting their brakes and waiting until the last minute to drive across 4 lanes of traffic to get to their exit ramp.  Buncha assholes.

I'm at the Thrifty Inn in St. Cloud, Minnesota...it's the first hotel this week that doesn't have wireless internet.  I knew that wasn't going to happen when they handed me a door key to my room that wasn't a swipe card.  Hello, 19th century.  I didn't mind using a wire to connect to the internet, but I kept getting an error message.  Come to find out, I was asking my laptop to dial "9" instead of "8."  I was just following the instructions on the call guide...fuck me. 

Finally, I was taking a nice nap before the show, and some jackass called my room looking for "Mike."  I swear to God, I wished I could send electricity through the phone line and fry his nuts.  All I wanted was a NAP!  I suffered in traffic all day, it's the least I deserved.

O.K., rant is over.

The show last night at the Starlite Lounge in La Crosse, Wisconsin was cool.  The lounge is "cocktail cool" with a late 60's, early 70's motif and I felt like I was Joey Bishop.  The mc was a radio kid with a Simpsons fixation....he had a giant Simpsons tattoo on his leg, the "Sopranos" spoof with the Simpsons characters in it.  Also, he showed me his driver's license, where he had his last name legally changed to "Simpson."  Needless to say, he went up on stage and dug a comedy hole the equivalent of the Marianis Trench...why do d.j.'s think they're funny?  Please, just play the new Kelly Clarkson CD and get off the stage.

Tonight, Bob Jay and I lit up the stage at Rum Runner's in St. Cloud, Minnesota.  It's a nice club with a comedy lounge on the second floor (sorry, handicapped folks...there's premium parking for you, but no elevator).  The last time I played this room, I opened for the Disgruntled Clown, and I mentioned that when I went up tonight, and many people "ooohhed" and "aaahhed" in recognition.  The show rocked, but Bob and I aren't the party types, so when the show was over, we hauled ass back to the hotel.

I'm happy to be settled into one place for at least the next day.  The Thrifty Inn is like my home away from home....they have my headshot up in the lobby, for God's sake!  There's a nice comic book shop halfway between the hotel and the club, so that's on the docket for tomorrow, and I'm probably going to hit some church rummage sales looking for books.  I'm doing great so far, I've sold 4 of the books I picked up on this roadtrip.  With gas going at $2.75 a gallon or more, every dollar counts!

I'm very tired, so I'll go now.  I'm looking forward to returning home after 12 days on the road, but not looking forward to the 15 hour drive home from Minnesota.  It'll be nice to see my wife and daughter again.  I heard Harmony playing with her toy blocks today, while Pam narrated over the phone, and I felt so lonely I almost broke down in tears.

Have a good weekend, and enjoy the nice weather while it lasts.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Ticket To Ride

Ticket To Ride                              1855

Wednesday, September 28, 2005-11:24 MDT

Days off suck.  There's no sense of purpose, no direction.  I don't kill time well.  However, I did get on the phones and squeezed four weeks of work out for 2006, so that's a plus.

Headliner Bob Jay accompanied me to the Dickinson, North Dakota Public Library's bookstore where I cleaned up on some resale prospect books.  Anyone who knows me knows that I'm an avid Half.com salesman (www.half.com) and make some good money in my off time buying books at thrift stores and the like, and reselling them online.  I bought about 10 bucks worth of books today, and I've already sold two of them.  When you're supporting a wife and child on a comedian's salary, every spare dollar counts.  Although, I got word that I'm going to be in a commercial that is being shot next Tuesday, so that's going to be some nice extra money for the cause.

So after the book shop excursion, Bob retired to his room, leaving me on my own for lunch.  In the plaza across the street from our hotel, there was a Bonanza steakhouse (clearly a Ponderosa that went independent), so I grabbed a local paper and had a nice lunch.  I discovered a North Dakota regional delicacy called Knoephla, which is pronounced "NUFF-leh."  It's basically a chicken 'n' dumpling soup, and it was so good, I went back for seconds on it.  I did some investigation, and found a recipe for it here; The NDSU Libraries: Germans From Russia.  The folks at the Bonanza steakhouse told me they feature that soup every day that they're open, and they go through about 300 gallons of it a week.  I found that pretty impressive.  If you have a spare moment, call them at 701-225-4481 and ask them what their soup of the day is.  When they say "knoephla," ask them what it is.  I think it would be a neat prank for people to call them from all over the U.S. asking them what knoephla is.  Please remember that Dickinson, North Dakota, is on Mountain time, so call at the appropriate hour.

Bob talked me into going to see "The Brothers Grimm," which was playing at a movie theater, also across the street from the hotel.  I'm not a huge Matt Damon fan, aside from "Rounders" which is one of my favorite movies, but "Brothers Grimm" was really good.  It was directed by Terry Gilliam of Monty Python's Flying Circus, who also did "12 Monkeys" with Bruce Willis (another of my faves) and it was an amazing visual spectacle.  I'm glad I went.  It's pretty dark, like Johnny Depp/Edward Scissorhands dark, so if you go to see it, be prepared.

I have a 683-mile drive tomorrow, and I lose an hour going into the Central time zone, so I will close here.  Wish me luck as I make my way closer to home.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

p.s.  The picture above is my pal, SnaxTheCat.  Snax has been with me for 12 years now, and he's a good boy.  Here, he's taken up residence in a nook in our bookshelf in my office.  We thought he was cute there, so Pam and I took a picture of him, and I'm happy to share it with you.

RT

Badlands

Badlands                                                  1844

Tuesday, September 27, 2005-12:48 MDT (Wednesday morning)

Hello from Dickinson, North Dakota, home of the new Days Inn Grand Dakota Lodge, and the field office for Ralph Tetta and Inner Loop Comedy Productions for the next day or so.  I left Lexington, Nebraska, around 7:00 this morning, and drove about 9 hours, trimming 3 hour or so off of the expected drive time (according to RandMcNally.com).  I traversed western Nebraska, South Dakota and North Dakota, going through a part of the country known as "The Badlands."  If you've never been out here, there's really no way to describe it, other than that there's absolutely nothing, and plenty of it. You might see a herd of cows, about eight or twelve of them, and have no idea who they belong to, because you won't see a barn or a house for miles.  The curvature of the Earth seems to disappear, and you can see absolutely nothing for ever and ever....it's very humbling.  About six hours into my trip, I absolutely declared my unquestioning faith in a God because only a supreme being could make a place like this, but at the same time, I decided that His love for us is overrated.  The Badlands are a Godforsaken place.

I hit the road as the sun came up, and it was one of those red sunrises that they tell you sailors don't like, because the weather is supposed to be bad.  I got lucky and stayed in front of it all the way to Dickinson.  A little rain might have been nice, because there's an overpowering animal waste smell in the midwest, either from the animals they raise, or the crops they fertilize.  Either way, western Nebraska needs a flushing.

My biggest fear was running out of gas or having a mechanical problem on my way to North Dakota.  I had zero cell signal for most of the day, which meant I was subject to the loneliness of no human contact.  Luckily, I brought music for the car, because radio wasn't happening, either.  For long trips, I recommend blues and jam band stuff like Widespread Panic.  It really makes the miles melt away.

I'm working with Bob Jay this week, formerly of Full Contact.  He's an impressionist and is a lot of fun to watch on stage.  The bar was a rowdy place to work tonight, and I didn't envy him having to do his thing.  I fought my way through, but only had to hand for half an hour, and I could do the mc/warmup thing and not try to drive my material home.  Afterwards, it was Taco John's for us, and now I'm getting ready for a nice nap.

In the meantime, I got my pictures back from the developer, so I thought I would share some with you.  This is me after my headlining set in Niagara Falls at the House of Comedy with a couple of fans back in August.  Ain't I the chick magnet?

Have a nice day!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Every Picture Tells A Story

Every Picture Tells A Story                                        1827

Monday, September 26, 2005-12:04 A.M CDT (Tuesday Morning)

Hello folks, from Lexington, Nebraska, right at the intersection of Smack and Dab.  I did a show tonight with Patrick Candelaria (www.pcandelaria.com) at RC's Galley in Johnson Lake, Nebraska.  The smell of fertilizer filled the air, and the smell of audience members in the chairs didn't.  They were the nicest folks in the world, but there was 20 of them, and I don't care if you're Guns 'N' Roses with an 8-ball of coke, how do you rock THAT room?

I should've know what I was in store for.  When I left Omaha this morning (and by the way, damn U.S. Bank and their assinine $5 charge for check cashing....I don't have an account with you, but the guy who handed me this check does!  Aren't you obligated to hand over the money from his account?  It's just ridiculous and assures that I will never do business with U.S. bank.  Fuck 'em with a big rubber dick, then break it off and beat 'em with the rest of it), I should have known that I was driving towards a Hell Gig.  I called ahead to the hotel, and they said I wouldn't be able to check in until the guy from the gig came down and paid for the room.  I said that was no problem, that I would go to a movie or go mall-walking or something, and she just laughed at me.  Lexington is the kind of town where you stop only if you need gas.

Or if you want to work at a Tyson chicken packing plant.  I noticed that there were mucho signs in Spanish, because there's Mexican-Americans a'plenty up in this piece.  I also noticed that the Tyson plant had a daycare center and a playground out in front...now that's a worker benefit...a lot of people can't work because child care just eats up the money they would have made.  For a company to see that and offer child care right on the premises shows a proactive spirit, and it's smart business.

Lexington has a Wal-Mart, signs that it's a town with people with basic needs like food and clothing.  I found a Canadian penny in the parking lot, and I had to wonder how it made it's way all the way down here.  I picked it up, and will return it to Upstate New York where it will be appreciated (or at least accepted in lieu of a U.S. penny).

Still, the show was good and the folks were appreciative...and how often in this business do you get to work on a Monday?  I'll tell ya, it's not frequently, although I did a show at my home club last Monday (no show, but got paid anyway), so that's two weeks in a row.  I guess I shouldn't bitch, because statistically, I'm the luckiest guy in the comedy business.

I have a long drive tomorrow....574 miles, or about 12 hours according to my good friends at www.randmcnally.com and their online driving directions.  I pick up an hour because I'm heading into Mountain Time from Central, but I want to get there early enough to have a shower and a nap.  The gig in Dickinson, North Dakota, is in the hotel where they put up the comedians, so that's an added bonus.

I go now.  Until then, I wanted to share with you a thing I saw on TV; hope you enjoy it.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

I'm Winning

I'm Winning                                              1813

There's nothing worse than a sports bar.

I'm back at the Ice House Live, where for some reason, the wireless internet wasn't working for me last night, but today, it's fine.  I'm chilled out in the corner of what was the comedy showroom last night, but today it's the secondary seating for a packed, NFL-crazed crowd.  I'm watching my beloved Buffalo Bills all by myself in a corner on one of the smaller sets, and while Buffalo currently trails 13-6, there's a contingent of Miami Dolphins fans (read; dicks) enjoying the Dolphins current domination of the Carolina Panthers.  Also, they cheered when St. Louis ran back an interception against Tennessee, so basically, they're just WAY too into the game (and that's why they're dicks).  Hey, I'm a fan, but I don't flounce around in my team's jersey like I just blew the quarterback and stole it off his bedroom floor while he was sleeping.

Maybe I'd be in a better mood if Buffalo was winning.

Anyway, last night's shows were just as weird as Friday's....the early show was light, and the late show was packed.  There was a huge table of lesbians, and a huge table of scruffy Iowans, and they were all looking at me like I killed their puppies.  I battled them and eventually got them, but it was too much like work.  It's a new club, and they're getting a lot of folks who have never been to comedy before, so it's going to take some breaking in.  It was fun though, and Scotty Goff, the headliner from Tucson, Arizona, was a pleasure to work with.  He's the type of guy that works his ass off on stage and he's very funny, plus he's experienced without being bitter and jaded (which happens to us long-timers some times).

Carolina just pulled off a long pass play complete near the goal line, which shut those Dolphins dicks up pretty good.  I just noticed that one of them is wearing a cheese head hat.  Which to me means they have no idea who they're rooting for.  Maybe it's just a field trip from a group home.

Anyway, I got a nice little surprise last night; the club was supposed to mail my paycheck to my house, and instead, they presented it to me in person, which means a lot less jumping through hoops to access my money.  It makes a big difference to have cash when you're on the road and gas is $3.00 a gallon.

O.K.  I'm going to eat my cheeseburger, enjoy the Bills game (win or lose) and go do some laundry.  Have a nice weekend (what's left of it).

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

p.s.  While I was trying to think of a classic rock song to name this column after, Willis McGahee punched the ball into the Atlanta Falcons' end zone for a quick six points.  Oh, lucky day!

My Old School

My Old School                                                                     1804

Saturday, September 24, 2005-2:36 P.M. CDT

Good afternoon and what a fine day it is today in Omaha, Nebraska.  I'm in the Ice House Sports Bar and restaurant, my home for at least one more day before pushing off to Lexington, Nebraska, and taking advantage of their wireless internet.  I have to say, it's quite handy, and I am getting used to it to an unhealthy point.  Yesterday, I sat in the bar for almost four hours online, doing God knows what, and today, I made the smart move of grabbing a booth rather than a table, because the high-back bar stools made my butt numb.

The staff here at the Ice House have been over-the-top nice to me this week.  The food has been complimentary, and delivered with a smile, and of course, I tipped generously each time.  It's nice to be treated like a commodity once in a while rather than an interruption of business or a nuisance.  If a comedy club is charging a ten dollar ticket for their comedy show, and you could see a mid-level rock act (let's say, Government Mule or the Spin Doctors) and get the same ticket price, believe me, nobody would think of treating the members of those bands the way that comedians get treated...it's almost a foregone conclusion that comics can be mistreated because we're of a lesser calibre.  It's nice when you get to play in a place that doesn't subscribe to that school of thought.

I just got back from the bathroom, where I had a nice pee and then washed my hands.  As I was leaving the restroom, I used the door handle to open the door (duh), and because it's a sports bar, the door handle was shaped like a baseball bat.  And suddenly, it occured to me; not every gentleman who uses the bathroom washes his hands, but EVERY gentleman uses that door handle.  Henceforth, I just put my clean hands on every kind of germ, virus, microbe, amoeba and pestilence that every guy before me had.  And I'm sure that whomever cleans the bathroom didn't give the door handle a good Lysol spritz...I've cleaned many a bathroom in my day, and the thought never occured to me until just now.

It's college football day, and here at the Ice House, there are several contingents watching the games and hooting and hollering.  I just looked up and besides the full compliment of Nebraska Cornhusker and Iowa Hawkeyes banners and paraphenalia, there's a United States Navy banner.  Now, I love the good fighting men and women of the Navy as much as anyone else, but this is Omaha, Nebraska...they are as land-locked as you could possible be.  Anyway, Iowa is getting drubbed by Ohio State, and everyone's pretty quiet, but Miami is beating Colorado, and that must be important because everytime Miami scores, confetti falls, horns blow, all the girls in the bar take off their shirts and dance on the bar, and free drinks get passed around.  I'm kidding....there's no confetti.

Last night's shows were just as backward as they could possibly be.  The first show, the MONEY show, there were about 14 people in the place.  I sat on the edge of the stage, dangled my feet, and talked to the audience like we were around a campfire and I was about to make some S'mores.  The second show, it was a viking ship full of people, every possible race, color, creed and economic status was represented, plus a table full of Iowans (wretched, wretched bastards).  These were the kind of people that trailer park folk band together and get kicked out because they're "bad for the community."  I had fun, although it was like being a cop during a British soccer riot...I did my best, but it wasn't enough to keep the peace.

To pass away the time, I took one of those online tests to see where I fit in the political spectrum (like I really didn't know where I was).  The results were as follows.  I always thought I was a fair and decent person, but it's nice to have that validation.

 

You are a
Social Moderate
(55% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(18% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Democrat

You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness. loc: (18, -119)
 w: (1531)

For the record, I am a registered Independent (Liberal).  And apparently, I'm also Fair and Balanced.  Ain't that a kick?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

p.s. Take the test here if you wish, and drop me an e-mail with your score.

http://www.okcupid.com/politics

It Keeps You Running

It Keeps You Running                                                                1791

Friday, September 23, 2005-4:40 P.M. (Central Daylight Time)

Hello from the IceHouse Live! Sports Bar and Restaurant in  IceHouse Sports Bar and Restaurant - Omaha, NE  Omaha, Nebraska.  I'm here in Steak City (or whatever they call it....they do have good steaks, though) at the club taking advantage of their wireless internet for the first time ever with the new laptop.  It's great, learning this new technology, but I wish I was smarter about it.  Maybe I need to take a class or something.

I started driving Wednesday night around 8:00 P.M. and got as far as Chicago, about 5:00 in the morning.  I napped in the parking lot of a Pilot truck stop for about two hours, grabbed some coffee and headed west.  I arrived in Omaha around 2:00 in the afternoon, sixteen hours later; not bad for a one-stop drive.  During the second leg of the trip, I got a call from the booking agent indicating that the lodging had changed from a Best Western hotel to a house that the club bought.  It's nice, and close to the club, but because it's new, there's no phone yet and no cable TV.  Both of those are available at the club, but it's an inconvenience to have to get up, schlep the laptop over to the club, and try to wrestle the remote away from the other restaurant patrons.  Although, today they bought me lunch, and they had Spanish TV on the big screen.  I don't understand anything they're saying (despite four years of high school Spanish at my command), but one thing's for certain....Spanish TV sure knows how to trot out the T 'n' A.  It's nice to look at, but it just makes a man homesick.

The show last night was interesting....we had about 40 people, slow for a Thursday, I'm told, but the crowd was good.  I was sleep deprived and tired, and even though I thought my set was good, I knew it could have been better.  A guy from the show named Phil hung out with me at the bar for lunch...he's a salesman, and he took the day off,and we wound up doing the pal-around thing at the Ice House.  He's a regular here, and I did a mind-reading trick with the head server, and now she hates me (because I read her to a T).  Women like to be cool and mysterious, but they're generally all the same animal...they have wants and needs, and they want a man to supply them without being told what they are, but when you read their mind, they feel violated and resentful.  It's a very feline tendency, and I think it's tied to hormones.  Oh well.

Today I found a library and pillaged their used book section for a couple of interesting titles, including a murder mystery novel by a standup comedian named Dan Barton.  The book is called Killer Material, and I've already listed it for sale on www.half.com, but I may wind up reading it.  I'm not much into fiction, but if it involves standup comedy, I get interested.  I'm working on Pagan Babies by Elmore Leonard, because one of the characters is a standup comic.  Leonard wrote Jackie Brown and Get Shorty, along with the sequel Be Cool.  I enjoy his stuff, and recommend it thoroughly.

I'm working on a book about standup comedy myself, and I did a little more work on it this morning.  It's coming along pretty good, but I'm a ruthless editor.  I have to just write the damn thing, and let a professional editor make the changes.  I'm getting hung up on tense and word choice and forgetting the meat of the book.  Still, it will be the first full-length thing I've written, so I'm proud that I'm making the effort.  So far, all I have to my credit is standup comedy, poetry and short stories.  And the songs that I make up and sing to my baby daughter.....

....who, by the way, is doing great, thanks for asking.  The other day, she said pop-pop, which to me is close enough to Papa, so I cried joyful tears.  She also picked up my wallet and started running through the house with it, which is a habit she picked up from her mother.  She had no problem picking up my wallet, because there's hardly anything in it, but that's another story.  When Harmony was born, I told Pam that I thought I was too old to be a father, because at 38, I would be 54 when the child turned 16, and I didn't think I'd have the energy to run after her.

She's coming up on 2, and the running has begun.  God help me.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

P.S.  I forgot to mention something....this club, the Ice House, is a new location for the former Joker's Comedy Club.  Last year when I played here, I was working with Chicago's Tim Joyce, who was born and raised in Buffalo and is a big Bills fan (like myself).  We wanted to watch the Bills play the Dolphins at the end of last year's NFL season, and came to the Ice House to watch the game, because each of the booths has their own TV.  Everyone in the bar was watching the Chiefs (Kansas City is the next closes NFL town) and I kept yelling "PAY-TON MAN-NING!" just to stir up the pot.

I feel like I'm back home.

RT

Rochester, NY