Six String Sting

Six String Sting                                1569

Wednesday, August 31, 2005-2:43 A.M.

Good morning.  This is the third time I've tried to type this journal entry over the last three days.  The first time, AOL shut down for the night, the journal section anyway, and my entry was lost to the ages.  Who knew to save it?  I just sent it out to the stratosphere.  The second time, I was bumped off line because I walked away from the computer in the middle, and the entry was lost again.  This time, if the entry doesn't take, fuck ya, I'm just going to get along with my life.

Saturday night at the House of Comedy in Niagara Falls was a very fun show; I even stayed within my time.  I sometimes have a problem with that.  Actually, I'm not the one who has the problem, it's the comedy club staffs that I hold hostage who have a problem.  Apparently, they just want to serve the drinks, collect the money and go home.

Anyway, I thought I was going to just stick to my material instead of clowning around, but I was having a great time and the audience was riding along with me, and I wound up in the Ralph Zone and talked about everything, even to the elimination of my core material.  My act didn't suffer, the comment cards were good, the club owner shook my hand and asked to rebook me two more times over the next three months, and product sales were brisk, so who's complaining?

Ray Salah did a great job in the opener slot, and there was a guest spot named Steven Rose who had a strange, uneven set.  Ray got some nice compliments from Tony, the club owner/manager.  WayToGo, Ray.

Sunday morning, I couldn't sleep, so I wound up getting up early, showering, and went garage sailing while my wife and daughter slept.  I came home about five hours later with an arm full of CD's, videos and books, many of which I've already sold online.  At the first garage sale, which was the big community garage sale at the Rochester Public Market, I noticed that there was about a million bumblebees flying around, and I didn't think anything of it because there was a lot of flower and fruit 'n' vegetable vendors there.

At the first public garage sale I went to, though, a woman got stung by a bee.  There was a nice hippie couple selling off their crap because they were moving, and didn't want to take their ceramic candy dishes and books on witchery and metalugy with them.  The woman, the "stingee," was a neighbor of theirs, and she flounced up in her peasant dress and commented that one of the ceramic candy dishes was one that they bought from her at her last garage sale.  About 15 seconds later, the bee, the "stinger," flew up her peasant dress of many colors and stung her on the ass.  She hustled off on her way, and we all had a nice laugh as soon as she was out of earshot.  The bee flew away as well, leaving us all to discuss the heady matter of "Don't bees die when they sting someone?"  Perhaps they do, but there's some sort of exemption if the sting is in the ass.  It's known only to the bees and the entymologists.

Today I picked up my car with the cracked windshield repaired, and hustled it off to the body shop to get some of my accidental customizing reversed.  I'm flying to Florida this weekend, so I won't need the car.  My career must be booming, because I can afford to fly!  Hooray for me!  I'm working this weekend with Al Katz from Florida, and it's my first time at the Laugh Inn Comedy Cafe.  I'm sure I'll have some exciting road reports this weekend, so stay tuned.

In the meantime, turn your thoughts and prayers (if you would) to the people of Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, and the other areas hit by hurricane Katrina.  Also think of the many animals who will be suffering due to the effects of this catastrophe.  And if you can see your way clear, send a couple of bucks to the Red Cross.  They're gonna need it.

Stay dry this weekend.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Dixie Chicken

Dixie Chicken                                                        1536

Friday, August 27, 2005-1:40 A.M. (Saturday morning)

Tonight's show at the House of Comedy was interesting, to say the least; I was operating under sleep deprivation, thanks to my daughter's middle-of-the-night gas pains that kept me awake all night.  My show was one part my act, one part riffing and crowd work, and one part non-sequitars and stream-of-consciousness babbling that even I don't know what I meant.  Bottom line, they liked it, and I had a lot of nice audience hand-shaking and after-show approval.

Ray Salah did a great job in the opening slot; there were moments when he seemed a little lost and didn't know what came next, but that's just a component of not working out his material every week.  Still, he did a fine job of recovering, and even though he backpedaled on one bit and had to squeeze a joke in so he could do the callback, the audience didn't really know the difference, and everyone involved seemed to have a good time.

Sadly, the Burger King down the street from me went 24 hours, which means that I now have full weekend access to chicken fries, whoppers, and other foods that are bad for me that I love dearly and refuse to give up.  Bob your head!  Bob your head!  Chicken fries are awesome, even though spokesband CoqRoq is a bunch of SlipKnot imitators.

O.K., sleep now.  One more show tomorrow, then off to sunny Florida for my engagement at the Laugh In Comedy Cafe in Fort Myers.  I fly in on Thursday for a three-day stand, and I must be making it in this business, because I can afford to fly!  Ah, showbiz!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Picking Up The Pieces

Picking Up The Pieces                           1530

Friday, August 26, 2005-12:30 A.M.

What do comedians do on their day off?  What's a day off?

I started my day by answering my desk phone, which is usually reserved for the computer line, and it was my old friend Debbie Richardson, proprietor of JR's Last Laugh Comedy Club in Erie, PA.  It was quite an interesting conversation we had; she basically called me out of the blue and asked me if I was interested in coming down to feature her club this winter.

Now, I've been there before, and let me tell ya, it's not like any other club in the country.  For starters, they don't do the mc-middle-headliner thing; they have an audience person (selected from the previous week's comment cards) host the show, then they have a 15-minute middle, then a 20-minute middle, then the headliner does the normal set.  And the club is totally clean...last time around, I got the fish-eye because I used the word "penis," and it was totally medical in nature...it wasn't a urinating penis, nor a sexually involved penis, just a penis.  Come to find out, the problem was they had heard the joke before and didn't care for it, so I dropped the joke for the rest of the weekend.  Unfortunately, it was my closing joke, so I really had to change gears (which I did).  Because the weekend was kinda "hinky" I didn't really pursue getting rebooked into the club, but this morning, Debbie started throwing dates at me, all of which I had already booked, so I took a shot and told her I had only two dates left, and she said she might be able to juggle things around, then called me back five minutes later and filled the one that wasn't New Year's Eve.  Damn, it should always be this easy.

A couple of hours later, John Yoder of the Funny Business Agency in Grand Rapids, Michigan, calls and fills my New Year's Eve.  This, coupled with the week I filled yesterday with a date at the Comedy Playhouse in Geneva, NY, has completely filled my year.  Now I can start booking 2006!  This year has been truly amazing, even with weeks of work falling out here and there, I've been able to fill them almost immediately.  Of course, that bulletproof feeling only needs one cancellation to go away, but for now, I'm riding high and that's all thatmatters.

So today, the lovely Pamela Ruth and I continued our quest to eliminate junk from our house to make room for Harmony Rose and all of her toys, clothing, and etc.  Our house looks like the final scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where they are storing the Ark in the warehouse with all the boxes and they're stacked to the ceiling.  Only the warehouse didn't have as many boxes of crap as we do.  We went through a bunch of stuff and I have come to terms with the fact that my wife refuses to write on anything larger than a Bazooka Joe bubblegum comic, and she will never throw anything away.  Consequently, we have more paperwork than we know what to do with, and only four drawers worth of filing cabinets.  We do have one big blue recycling box, but God forbid anything goes out of the house that way.  Sometimes I feel like King Sisyphus (Thurman, look it up).

Tomorrow night, Niagara Falls awaits.  It's one of the clubs that headlines me, so I'm excited because I get to do my whole show, not get hung up over the time and have fun.  It's a freeing experience that I can't describe except to say it's like skydiving in slow motion, and you don't touch the ground until you want to.  I'm psyched.

O.K., King Sisyphus was from Greek mythology, and he was doomed to roll a rock up a hill for eternity, and everytime he almost got to the top, it would roll back down to the bottom for him to try again.  And "Look it up, Thurman" was a quotation from Buffalo Bills' coach Marv Levy's Pro Football Hall of Fame induction speech, directed at future Hall of Famer Thurman Thomas. 

But you knew that, didn't you?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Great White Buffalo

Great White Buffalo                                   1517

After 750 miles along the trail of tears called Interstate 90, Ray Salah and I are back in Rochester.

The Wisconsin Death Trip (thank you, Static X) was a success, meaning I brought home more money than I left home with, which is always a plus.  The extra gig on Sunday was very helpful, as it wound up paying for the gas all the way home, and no small feat at $2.79 a gallon (the going rate in Milwaukee and Chicago).

Saturday night, the club in Milwaukee was desolate.  The Green Bay Packers were on TV playing in Buffalo against the Bills (who schooled them pretty good).  Consequently, everyone stayed home and watched the new kid (Aaron Rogers) on TV show everyone that he ain't Brett Favre.  On the other side of the ball, Bills QB J.P. Losman showed everyone that he ain't Drew Bledsoe.  Hooray for us!

This week, it's Niagara Falls, a scant 90 minutes away from home base, and back to headlining the room.  Ray is opening on the shows, too, continuing the "Summer of Salah."  We were packed to the gills coming home, Ray had six boxes of books he bought.  I had a small duffle bag full, and we both found, upon arriving home, that we sold many several of them.  I went to the post office today with 16 packages.  Ebay is a wonderful thing.

Still no light at the Tetta/Davis household...our electrician crapped the bed, and he won't be available for another 4-6 weeks.  Totally unacceptable.  I feel like I'm in some "Survivor" type TV show, working with clip-style desk lamps in two of our rooms.  It ain't fun, believe me.

Today I got back to my roots, meaning I watched the baby for a few hours, then went out and ran errands all day, paying phone bills, bringing home heavy groceries, and doing everything else except napping, which is what I would have done were I still a single man.

O.K., I'm going to go sit in the dark now.  Have a nice day!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

A Quick One While He's Away

A Quick One While He's Away                                          1502

Just a quick entry today.  The Southeastern Wisconsin area was hit with a pretty major tornado this week, but it's just a little rainy where I am.  This is the second time this year that I've travelled into harm's way and come out safe.  The first time was in Florida, where I missed a hurricane by about 4 days.  Thank God for small favors.

Last night at the club, first show, we had a lady with a very distinctive laugh that drove my 25 minute set into 15 minutes of material and about 10 minutes of waiting for her to catch her breath.  It was fun but frustrating at the same time, but whatcha gonna do?  I look forward to more conventional audiences this evening, and Sunday should be fun as well.

This is my last shot at internet access until I get home on Monday, so have a great weekend, and GO BILLS as they take on the Green Bay Packers in Buffalo tonight.

And stay in the basement if you hear the wind kick up, OK?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Houses of the Holy

Houses of the Holy                           1493

Friday, August 19, 2005-1:25 P.M.

Happy happy day, peoples!  I just found out that my beloved Buffalo Bills are playing the Green Bay Packers tomorrow at 5:00 central time, which means I'll get to see most if not all of the game here in Milwaukee.  My first show is at 8:00 P.M., and because I'm in the heart of Packers country, the game will most likely be on the TV in the bar, so unless the game goes into overtime, I'll catch the whole thing before I have to be on stage.  I will, of course, have to hide my enthusiasm when the Packers receive their trouncing.  You're in OUR house, be-yotch!  If you're into fantasy football leagues, which I am not, I happened to notice on the cover of one of those fan magazines that Bills' running back Willis McGahee is considered the top prospect in the fantasy leagues.  Besides J.P. Losman and Lee Evans, he's the Bill to watch this year, along with Nate Clements, who I understand is renegotiating his contract (as well he should).

Last night's show was very good, with Chris Barnes closing the show and special guest m.c. Clint Gritt opening up.  I worked with Clint last time I was here at Giggles, and he came up to me and handed me a dollar and said "Jose Canseco."  He's formally entered into the Comedy Central roast pool that I talked about yesterday.  This thing is starting to pick up steam.

Ray Salah and I are starting to become late-night fixtures at the Pick 'N' Save...last night, we walked over to pick up bread and a newspaper, and wound up walking out with $20 worth of groceries, which isn't a bad thing...I found out last night that my week has been extended with a special fundraiser show on Sunday, so we needed one more day's worth of food.  The condo situation is nice, you can save money not having to eat out every meal of the day, and I cook at home, so I welcome the chance to prepare my own meals, but unfortunately, the average comedy condo is woefully unequipped to cook in.  I don't have a spatula, which doesn't seem like a big thing, but it's like a thumb...you don't miss it until you don't have it.  Also, we have like 40 drinking glasses, but only 3 bowls...as comics continue to inhabit these condos, things get burnt, stolen, destroyed, etc., and they never get replaced, so I always try to go to thrift stores and pick up replacement items when I can, and "donate" them to the condo.  Last time I was here in Germantown, I bought a bathmat for the feature's bathroom, and it's still there!  Of course, it looks like it's never been washed, but it's there.  Ray actually washed it a few days ago, as well as every other piece of linen in the place.  He bleached the pillows, too, which I'm sure helped stanch the spread of head sweat and bacteria from about 9 years' worth of comedians.  We also picked up lightbulbs for the fixtures that were out, dishwasher detergent, and other household necessities.  I don't want you to think that the club does a poor job of maintaining the housing for their out-of-town guests, but after a few years go by, and comedians use and abuse the quarters, it's difficult to care anymore.  It must be totally disheartening to scrub a place down spic-n-span, and then have a couple of slobs move in and tear the place a new asshole.  Fortunately, the slobs are few and far between...most of the comics I've worked with are fastidious and neat, with only a few wretches thrown in the mix, but those are the guys that spoil it for the rest of us.

I talked to Pamela this morning, and the electrician didn't come.  I guess the appointment has been rescheduled for today or tomorrow, so hopefully the lights will be on for me when I get home.  If you see Pamela at the "Bands On The Bricks" show at the Rochester Public Market tonight, stop by and say hello.  She'll be working the Nice NRG jewelry concession.  And enjoy the music!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Lights Out

Lights Out                                                                  1487

Thursday, August 18, 2005-1:37 P.M.

And a pleasant good day to you, my journal-reading friend, as I report from rainy Germantown, Wisconsin.  Tonight, it's back to work for your friend Ralphie T. at Giggles Comedy Pub here in Milwaukee.  Last night, Ray Salah and I did the pal-around thing with Chris Barnes, Kevin Bozeman, and Mick Laczinski, three of Wisconsin's finest (I would have said Milwaukee's Best, but Mick's moving to Vegas and Kevin lives in Chicago).

Tuesday night in Rockford, Illinois was fun, as it always is, and on the way back, Ray and I hit yet another thrift store, and now we have so many boxes of books to cart home, I'm fearing for the space issue in my car.  My trunk is practically empty, but we're gonna need all the room we can get.  The good thing is that they continue to sell, so we're not going to bring all of them home, but most of them.  I was reading in a local newspaper that there are 13,000 people in the Milwaukee area who sell on eBay for their full or part-time living, so with Ray and myself added to the mix, you can make that 13,002...

I'm running a pool on one of the comedy chatboards regarding the next "victim" of the Comedy Central Roast series.  So far, there have been some good picks...I chose Damon Wayans, and other choices have included Adam Sandler and Jon Stewart.  If you're interested in knowing more, e-mail me at YuksOnMe@aol.com and I'll give you the details.  So far, it's just bragging rights, but if enough people want to do it, I'll have everyone chip in a buck and the winner takes all.

I continue to miss my pretty wife and daughter, and things at home are stressful at best for Pam.  I guess there was an electrical problem at the house while I was gone, and now two of the rooms in our five-room apartment are without lights.  There's an electrician coming today, but I still wish I was there to help and lend moral support, instead I'm out here having a party and blowing up balloons.  That's not entirely true, but yesterday, a guy who was at the show in Rockford saw me at the hotel I was staying in, and he works for a vending company so he loaded Ray and me up with chips, cookies, and other snacky delights...all the things I shouldn't have.  When I told Pam about it, she said "You ARE having a party, you bastard!"  Funny how far chips and cookies go when you're partying....

O.K., work beckons.  More updates tomorrow, and have yourself a wonderful day!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

P.S.  T.L. Johnson still owes me $10 and his mama stank.