Dog and Butterfly

Dog and Butterfly                            1383

Sunday, July 31, 2005-3:01 P.M.

Well, I'm back home a day earlier than scheduled from McDivot's Comedy Corner in Myrtle Beach.  Just before the Friday show, the booker, Bobby Dean, informed me that there was a big wedding at the hotel on Saturday, so the comedy show was cancelled because they needed the club space for the reception.  I was invited to stay at the resort the extra day, and what with being paid cash the night before, I was tempted to hang around, sit on the white sand beach, lounge by the pool and sip adult beverages while I watched hot young redneck girls cavort around.  However, Saturday morning brought nothing but rain, so I packed the car and went home.  It took almost three hours just to escape from the 10,000 car parking lot called Myrtle Beach, and I arrived home around 3 A.M. this morning.

Friday night's show was o.k., with about 15 people in attendance, and even though there weren't many people there, they were in the right mood, and I sold more merchandise than I did the whole week in West Palm Beach.  I like people on vacation...they like to spend money.  I spent the day waltzing around Myrtle Beach buying groceries and whiling away my time, making a few business calls, taking a nap, and otherwise enjoying a long, lazy day.  With only one show to prepare for, and the late start of 9:00 P.M., the world was my oyster.  I like the Coral Beach Resort a lot, and I'm going to try to get rebooked there for next year so I can bring Pammey and Harmony out for a nice working vacation.

I ordered George Carlin's third book, When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? through half.com, and it arrived while I was on the road.  It's a good read, and I'm through the first 65 pages already.  I consider myself lucky to have been able to work with George for as long as I did...after all, how many people ever get a chance to meet their heroes, much less talk to them on a semi-regular basis?  The book has a written-out explanation of George's routine on shell shock.  It's one of the best examinations of language I've ever heard, and I'm happy he included it in the book.  If you enjoy William Safire or just the quirks of language in general, this is definitely a piece for you.  I've always thought that a person ought to be well versed in their native language, and I guess I've taken that to it's irrational conclusion.  I love words, and I collect them like they were butterflies, pinning them to corkboards and waiting for the proper time to release them and let them fly.  Unfortunately, the butterfly that ususally gets the most flight time is the ugly little grey one called "fuck."  But hey, I worked on a shipping platform with truck drivers for a long time, and if you didn't swear at them, they walked all over you.  I'm a product of my environment, and I don't make any apologies for that.  And if that's not good enough for you, then fuck you.

This week, I'm looking forward to the distasteful task of getting the damage to my car assessed, and then it's off to the booming metropolis of Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania.  I'm playing one of Scott Bruce's Wisecrackers comedy clubs, which I've enjoyed so far, even though I've only done the locations in Allentown and Scranton.  The gig is a short distance from the hotel, and I actually saw both of them from route 81 on my way to Myrtle Beach Wednesday night, with the gig being on the left, and the hotel on the right.  It's about 4 hours or so from home base, and there's only one show each night, so as far as road gigs go, it's a milk run.  But the money's right, even though they cancelled one of the Saturday shows already...we originally had one show scheduled for Friday and two for Saturday, now we only have one each night, but for the same money.  I miss the opportunity to get on stage that second show, because it's another chance to sell some product, and I'm going to be there anyway, plus having the later show lets me be a little more experimental, looser and improvisational.

Ah, bullshit.  It's another group of people to sell product to.  I got a wife and a kid, people!  Gas is $2.33 a gallon!  It cost me $140 to go to work this week!

Again, no apologies.  This week is going to be nice, with 4 days off to finish the project of switching my office and the baby's room, unload a bunch of packed boxes and come up with a final resting place for a bunch of stuff.

After a nice nap.  Ah, the life of a comedian!

Ralph Tetta

Rochester,  NY

Crash

Crash                                                                                           1374

Thursday, July 28, 2005  2:13 A.M.

What a day...not exactly business as usual for Ralphie boy.  I'm working at McDivot's Comedy Corner in the Coral Beach Resort in Myrtle Beach, South Carolina this weekend.  It was easily a 16 hour drive down here from Rochester, and all the way up until I left the house at 1:00 A.M., I was second-guessing whether or not I should even go to this gig.  I'm not making very much money this weekend, and Pam was getting used to having me home.  Regardless, I don't cancel on short notice, so into the car I went.

A couple of cups of coffee, and I was good until daylight.  I drove all the way to North Carolina before a traffic slowdown due to construction halted me in my tracks.  Unfortunately, it didn't halt the woman in the Ford Focus behind me, and I got rammed, but good.  My beloved Toyota Corolla has a bashed in rear-end, most of the damage occuring on the left side of the vehicle.

The car was still driveable, so after calling in a claim to Nationwide Insurance, I rolled into Myrtle Beach.  I got a two-hour nap before showtime, which I woke up from, despite two alarms that I set and turned off...catastrophe narrowly averted.  The show was really good despite my disorientation, and I sold some good merchandise.  My optimism for the weekend is renewed.  Except for the damaged car, which I'm not very happy about, this is starting off to be a good weekend.

Also, I'm the proud owner of a new laptop computer, which I successfully set up today to go on the internet and type this entry.  I'm quite proud of myself; usually, Pammey has to do this work....she's the computer expert in the family.  Come to think of it, she's the expert at everything, except killing spiders and changing lightbulbs...then I get to come off the bench.

It's hotter than four cats in a tube sock down here...sweaty and humid.  I'm gonna hide in the room as much as possible.   More updates tomorrow.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Celebration

Celebration                                                                                1360

Monday, July 25, 2005-5:56 P.M.

What a weekend...after arriving home Friday night from my show at The House of Comedy in Niagara Falls, I got a few hours of sleep, and then joined my wife Pamela at a craft show in Sodus, NY.  It was sparsely attended and she wound up coming out a few dollars below the break-even point for her booth rental, as did many of the vendors around us.  At least it was a pleasant day.

We packed up early and I got a nice 50-minute nap and a shower before heading back to Niagara Falls.  Ray Salah broke his back, so he begged off on the trip, but my mom came along again and I had a pretty good show, considering I was dead-dog tired by the time I hit the stage.  Shelley Marshall had a good set up front, and there was a reporter from a Niagara Falls newspaper present doing a feature story on her. 

Saturday morning came hard when my daughter Harmony woke up with some bad gas pains just before 6 A.M.  After comforting her and getting her back to sleep, I knew that 8:30 was going to hurt pretty bad, which it did.  We got up, showered and picked up picnic stuff for the 2nd annual Meet Harmony Rose picnic.  We rented out the Oatka Creek Lodge in Oatka Creek Park in Scottsville, NY.  It was a beautiful day, and we had around 60 guests.  Unlike last year, I shopped smart and bought just enough food that we had no leftovers, and no one left hungry.  I spent most of the day on the grill, but I'm pretty sure I had a chance to say hi to all of our guests, including Mike Dambra, Ray Salah, Annette Lorenzo, Julie Donofrio and Kim (another comic who's last name escapes me), Steve Natarelli and Eileen Loveman (who came right from her book signing....go Eileen!   The book, by the way, is "Rhythms and Rhymes of the Heart" and it's out on Publish America press...go to www.PublishAmerica.com for more info).

There were several other non-comedy types in attendance, including my mother Linda, my brother Christoper, his wife Amy, and of course, their two chicken-legged children William Ralph and Olivia (I kid my niece and nephew...they're beautiful children), my wife's Aunts Dina and Mary Anne, Debbie and Tim Keller and three of their four children, Stephen, Alyssa and Victoria Keller (the girls were marvelous baby-sitters for the day...whenever we see them, they bee-line for Harmony and play with her all day; it makes hosting the picnic much easier).  We also had some of my Comix Cafe ex-co-workers, Natalie Gould and Dawn Short in attendance, as well as some of my wife's friends, Renee Kendrot, Crystal Scott, Mara and Dana, and I'm sure I missed some folks, but I was busy burning cow-meat over a charcoal fire.

The lodge is really a great deal...for $150, you get the lodge for the day, and inside, it's really great...they have a wood-burning stove (not so much an issue yesterday, but if it came into play, they also supply a box of firewood), an electric stove and range, a refrigerator-freezer (exactly like the kind I have in my house...the coincidence did not escape me), picnic tables galore, and two bathrooms outfitted with electric hand-dryers.  I've stayed in comedy condos that weren't that well equipped.

It was a busy day from start to finish, and I was pretty beat by the end of the day, but I'm sure it will be the only time this Summer that I'll get the chance to really enjoy myself, spend some quality time outside, and not concern myself with work so much.  At one point, I actually said out loud, "I didn't realize that relaxing was so much work!"  It got the laugh, but it also made me realize that I was going about things the wrong way...I needed to sit down, get a plate of food, and chat around with some people.  Once I did that, I really started to relax and have a good time.

Lessons learned the hard way are the ones that stick, aren't they?

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Spare Parts

Spare Parts                                                                   1333

Friday, July 22, 2005-1:58 A.M. (Saturday Morning)

Just got back from the House of Comedy in Niagara Falls, Canada.  It was a great show tonight, for about 60 close friends, myself, and opening act Shelley Marshall (www.shelleymarshall.com).  She's a comic from Toronto, and we worked very well together.  The club manager warned me that she was a little blue, but as it turned out, she was actually very dirty.  I thought she was hysterical, and some closers are threatened by that.  I actually welcomed working with such a strong, funny female.  After all, I'm making the big headliner bucks, so it's my job to follow her, whatever she does.  And I did.  I think her act actually set mine up by putting the audience on notice that this wasn't going to be a Sunday School class.  I enjoy doing the shows where I don't have to censor myself and I can let the wild side of me loose.

By contrast, the show the night before was a living nightmare.  It was at a resort called Sherkston Shores in Ontario, Canada, and the show was at 10 O'clock at night (a minus), it was a free show (a minus), there were underage kids in attendance even though the show was billed as R-rated (a minus) and everyone had started drinking since last Tuesday (a big minus).  One kid mouthed off, and when I jabbed him back, he got up from his table and started walking toward me like he wanted to fight me.  He looked no bigger than the broom they sweep up with at the end of the night.  I told him to back off or I was gonna give him another piercing.  He chicken-shitted right back to his table, and then it was systematically the death of the show.  The other comic, Matt Disero (www.MattDisero.com), fared no better with his comedy magic approach.  It was a throwaway show, and he came off stage soaked in sweat.  At least the money was decent.

I look forward to tomorrow's show...my mom tagged along tonight, and she's coming out tomorrow, along with my buddy Ray Salah.  I got Ray the opening spot when I headline the club in August (26th and 27th if you're in the area).  Today Ray and I hung out, and he helped me shuttle my wife's car to the muffler shop...$430 later, the car is fine, but goodbye earnings for the week.  It's a hard row to hoe in this comedy business...not to be cliched, but it's easy come, easy go.

Pam's got a big craft show tomorrow in Sodus, so I'm gonna get about 5 hours sleep, go hold her hand while she sells her wares, then clean up and drive back to Niagara Falls to do the gig tomorrow night at 9:00 P.M.  I guarantee, I'll sleep like a baby on Sunday.  Work hard, play hard....not to be cliched, of course.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Centerfield

Centerfield                                                                         1319

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

There's nothing like getting called off the bench to do a show, especially when it's 10 minutes to showtime.

My mother is visiting from Florida, and tonight, we decided to go out for a nice sushi dinner at California Rollin', a fun little Sushi place here in Rochester.  Also in attendance were my wife, daughter, and friend Ray Salah.

After dinner, we headed over to my mom's place, a house she's renting for the summer, over on Winton Road, the same road where my home club, the Comix Cafe is.  It was there that I got the call that the club had no mc, the regular host, WCMF radio personality Tommy Mule was out of town, and the club had neglected to replace him.  I hopped in the car, and minutes later, I was on stage at the Cafe in my casual dinner apparel; a black "Soapranos" T-shirt (it's a spoof show that I was in, mounted by Great Lakes Productions) and a pair of black cargo shorts.  I also was sporting white sneakers and white tube socks, rolled down 80's style.  I was quite the sight.

The show was fun, and I got a chance to work with pals Robert York and Cal Verduchi again, plus pick up a little extra bread.  The downside of the show was that the air conditioning wasn't working.  Even though today was a relatively cool day by the standards of the past couple of weeks, it was still mucho caliente in the club proper.  I didn't notice until I got the "under-the-manboob" sweat that is prevalent in gentlemen of my stature.

My wife dropped me off at the club, and my mother volunteered to shuttle me home.  As I was leaving the club, a drunk guy shook my hand and gave me the standard "nice show" thing, and then wanted to tell me a joke.  Just then, my mother honked the horn, and I politely told the guy that I couldn't listen to his joke just then, my ride was here and I didn't want to keep them waiting.  The guy got all offended and told me "Well, fuck you then!" like I was being really rude...I was somehow obligated to listen to his joke, that he also said "I could use in my act next time."  Is this behavior appropriate in any other sport?  Would it be o.k. to stop Tom Brady on his way to the Patriot's locker room and say "Hey good game...listen, I got a pass play you could use in your next game."

Probably not.

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised to hear Brady say "It happens all the time."

Next stop, three days in Niagara Falls.  Have a good weekend.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

Bad Girls

Bad Girls                                                   1296

Hey!  I'm back home in Rochester after a fun-filled stint at the Lake Ontario Playhouse in Sacketts Harbor, NY.  Today was the Can-Am fest, some sort of Canadian-American fellowship festival, which included an oom-pah parade that woke me up at 11 A.M. in the morning.  How rude!

After being abused at the coffee shop, I followed Sky Sands around and watched  him set up for his big kid's magic show in the town gazebo, and he watched me eat a hamburger, hotdog, and a chicken leg that would have made Henry the Eighth whimper.  I also talked my way into a piece of watermelon...the firemen's chicken roast offered a chicken leg for $5.50, or a meal for $7.50.  I didn't want the beans or the potato salad, so I just got the chicken leg, moved down the line, and then offered to give the woman who was handing out the watermelon a buck or so for a piece.  She wasn't taking any money, the guy at the front of the line was, and rather than send me back through the line, she just gave me a piece.  I love small-town people because they just keep it simple.  Plus they give away watermelon to hungry-looking out-of-towners.

Tonight, there were three bitchlerette parties.  And no, I didn't misspell bacherlorette, I call them bitch-lerettes, because they always commandeer a show and think it's all about them.  I don't mind a group being overly festive, but the whole bachelorette thing stuns me....the purpose is to go out and act like whores, and yet it's all just a big tease.  They suck on penis candies and penis straws, but if an actual penis made the scene, they'd run from it like it was made of live spiders and dead birds.  Meanwhile, the bachelor party is a scene out of Caligula...any guy who has his bachelor party at a comedy club is a hen-pecked fag.  Never you mind that I had mine at a club, it wasn't during a public show.  We had whiskey and poker and good manly things...I think there was food, too, I don't quite remember.

Anyway, the bitchlerettes practically ruined the show with their heckling and carrying on, and it was not the most artistically satisfying show of the week, but somehow, I performed better than on the three previous nights.  I may be getting too used to playing for gin-soaked rednecks, and I think that may hurt me when I start moving into "A" rooms with people who actually pay attention to the show.

I gotta go...I'm helping Pamela at the Italian Festival tomorrow, so I need some sleep.  I'll write more when I have time.  In the meantime, pass the link to this journal along to any folk whom you think might enjoy it.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

 

I Wish It Would Rain

I Wish It Would Rain                                                                            1287

Good afternoon from the public library in Watertown, NY!  I've just finished off a fine lunch at Ponderosa Steak House, and am ready to update you, my faithful reader, on the happenings of Ralph Tetta (me) as I make my way across the country.

Well, we're making with the ha ha's this week at the Lake Ontario Playhouse in Sacketts Harbor, NY with Sky Sands, also from Rochester, NY.  Sky's da guy, and a good friend, so it's nice working with him this weekend.  We started out with a one-nighter in Oswego, NY, at an outdoor venue called Coleman's Pub, and it was a little like pulling teeth with those fine folks.  I thought I had it out of my system, and then last night at the Playhouse, it was also very difficult getting off the ground.  There have been some really bad rainstorms in this region the last couple of days, with many Niagara-Mohawk customers losing power.  One radio report I heard quoted as many as 20,000 customers without power.  And coupled with the fact that it's hotter than a wolfdog out here, I guess I wouldn't be in a laughing mood either.

Yesterday, Pamela and I swore, cursed and uttered profanities at each other until our computer desk and hutch were completely moved out of what will soon become baby Harmony's room.  We struggled to make sure that everything had power and was connected, and now we have our computer, monitor, scanner, printer, TV with cable and deck-to-deck VHS setup all in one place.  I wanted to keep my big square table as part of the setup, but Pamela is against it.  It's a big table with a wrought-iron pedestal, and Pam's worried that the baby will someday pull it down on herself.  I maintain that the table is completely safe.  It's a piece that I've had for many years...when I was in third grade or so, a teacher recommended that we always have a place where we could do our homework, rather than a kitchen table or in front of the TV, and my father gave me the table to actas my desk.  I've had the thing for 30 years, and I hate to part with it.  I think it would be a great arts 'n'crafts area for Harmony someday, as it's nice and big and not too terribly tall.  I etched my name in it with a pen many years ago, and it's one of those things that I just assumed I would have forever.  I've unscrewed the base from the tabletop many times to move it, and it's still strong and sturdy.  Hopefully, I'll find the words to make Pamela reconsider.

There's still a lot to do in getting the baby's room ready.  I really want Harmony to have her own space, but with the heat the way it is, and only having air conditioning in one room in the house, I think she's going to be sleeping with us in our bedroom, at least until the heat breaks...and who knows when that's gonna be?

Changing gears...this is the second week in a row that I've worked with a very clean headliner, Sky Sands this week and Scott Novotny last week.  It's forcing me to work a little harder to be funny and not just shocking-dirty-funny.  I welcome the challenge, but at the same time, I long for those easy laughs and candy-store sets where I'm regarded as a comedy god and sell more CD's than Media Play. 

Speaking of candy stores...I guess I'm pissed off at movies in general, that they have to grave-rob old movies like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory instead of writing good new movies.  Do we collectively have no more imagination?  Are we bereft of new ideas?  Do we really need The Transporter 2?  Shit on that.

Also, curiously, a 26-year-old man just announced that he's running to be mayor of Rochester, NY, my hometown.  I think the bastard's been reading my journal, and jumped my train while I was out of town.  He gave a speech that I caught on TV a day or two ago, and his platform is as hippie left-wing as mine is.  Sad as it is to say, the kid doesn't have a chance.  He's too young to be taken seriously.  I, on the other hand, am just long enough in the tooth to get it done.  Now I have to go collect signatures.  Which is a bitter shame, because I've been trying to give my signature away for about 17 years now.

Dammit.

Ralph Tetta

Rochester, NY

P.S.  How old is Marianne Sierk?